INDEX PART 1 ENCYCLOPEDIA

Presentation encyclopedia 10

Vision, objective and realization, where around

Look differently, react differently 63

How a child experiences a situation or event will largely

determine his reaction.

Assertiveness youth theme 72

Assertiveness is the degree of self-confidence and

strength in your dealings with your environment. It is

something you have to a certain extent and that you can

develop further.

How to keep the balance positive ? 94

You can count on some things. Not on others. How does

the parent tilt the balance favorably?

Proactive development support 101

Parenting is more than rewarding or punishing. As a pa-

rent, you can proactively offer something to which your

child can react favorably.

Limiters - who or what stops me ? youth theme 109

As a young person you can stand for the task of slowing

down and limiting yourself.

From control to influence culture 119

What remains of the context in which I was raised? In

what context do I place the education that I give my

child?

Working together with the broad environment. Impor-

tance of social network 124

Parenting isn’t something you do on your own.

Reward and punishment. About development guidance

131

You reward to encourage behavior. How do you actually

do this in practice?

In your reach! youth theme 142

You often feel powerless as a young person. Is this al-

ways the case?

Development of meaning 149

There is a lot to learn to discover meanings and to gives

meanings for yourself as a child. Even harder is it to get

to know meanings that count for others.

Buffers as protection 160

Buffers ensure safety. They allow us to notice insecurity

on time. How to sensitize children for this?

Preventing burnout as a parent 168

How as a parent prevent to go under? Which signals can

you notice in time? How do you respond?

Out of the center 180

What if a child no longer identifies himself with the fa-

mily group?

Circular influence 188

What you say or do can be a reaction to your child. Your

reaction can then again be the starting point for the child

to which it in turn reacts.

Claim behavior, demanding a lot of attention 210

Every child needs attention. How to deal with it ?

What can coaching do for me ? youth theme 225

As a young person, much is still a dream to realize. With

discovering how to make this happen, via which roads

and with the help of what and who, you can be very

much at ease and help yourself.

Cognitions in parenting 230

Cognitions - as what you make of something - determine

your responding as a parent. This is also the case for the

child - what it makes of what you say and do - determines

his reaction.

Cognitive schemas and parenting 242

The development of the child coincides with the deve-

lopment of cognitive schemas. In the upbringing, the

child can be helped with the construction and filling of

cognitive schemas.

Communicative approach 268

How do you openly communicate with your child in an

open way as part of your upbringing ?

Communicative development child 272

In parenting, much attention is given to language and be-

havior development of the child. Less attention is given

to how communication develops in the child.

For a clear communication 288

Talking to your child is not always easy. A clear commu-

nication can offer more opportunities.

Phase-specific communication 300

Communication that accompanies someone's doing in

reality requires prior, during and afterwards conversa-

tion, in accordance with the different communication

phases.

A good contact with my child 310

Every parent wants a good contact with his child. What

does this mean a good contact?

Containment and holding in parenting 323

Children may need someone who knows how to cover

their emotions and can provide the necessary support

and protection.

From co-regulation to self-regulation 332

Adults play through the interactive process of co-regula-

tion an essential role in shaping and supporting self-re-

gulatory development of the child. Self-regulation as the

skill to get grip on emotions, needs and behavior and to

guide them.

Deconstruction & construction in parenting 346

Deconstruction is separating in our thoughts what

should better be not together. Construction is bringing

together in mind what helps and offers opportunities.

Partial grouping 361

Subgroups can arise in a group. This offers opportunities,

but at the same time involves risks.

Appeal which parts and sides ? 370

Each of us has parts that can become active and sides

that can be addressed to. How do these parts and sides

come into play ?

Thinking on 381

A thinking can be on or off. If it is on, a major influence

of this will be on the child's behavior and experiences.

Knowledge and thinking development 395

The development of know-how and thinking helps the

child to respond to questions and challenges.

Thinking about your parenting 404

Does thinking about your parenting confuse you, or does

it offer added value ?

By thinking 423

Take a moment to consider every day parenting, maybe

it brings you new ideas. Space to stop for a moment in

your upbringing can be to free yourself for new inspira-

tion.

Activation dialog 428

You want the other to perceive something like that and

react accordingly. The other does or does not respond to

this.

Direct and indirect approach 439

Want to focus your parenting directly on your child's be-

havior or indirectly focus on what surrounds it?

Keep distance and go on 446

Sometimes thoughts, feelings, memories and percep-

tions of yourself or of your environment bother you.

How to keep a distance and continue anyway?

Capacity & burden of the family 456

Also the family has a certain carrying capacity and has a

certain load capacity. These fluctuate over time.

Drug use child 473

It is not easy today as a parent to prevent your child from

having contact with drugs. What can you do preventively

and how can you respond? How to talk to your child, ac-

tivate his own forces and offer support with regard to

drug use ?

From pressure to attraction 488

What alternatives are there for pressure?

The child under pressure 505

Every child experiences pressure. Pressure is a signal that

asks for attention from parent and child.

External and internal pressure 513

A child adds internal pressure to external pressure. How

to avoid the pressure from becoming too high?

Dealing with pressure from your child 523

A child easily exerts pressure for what it wants or does

not want. How to deal with this as a parent?

For a favorable dynamic 541

An unfavorable dynamic can really get in the way of your

child. A favorable dynamic can help your child on his way.

Eating problems in children 550

The feeding of the child does not always go smoothly.

Where do you think about and how to react as a parent?

Referential guidance 559

Something that is going to turn around something gets

attention, so that something more favorable can hap-

pen: what about?

Presentation

encyclopedia

Vision, objective and realization

The encyclopedia ‘(P)referential parenting and guidance

from A to Z’ provides supportive information for family

and school. This is done in the form of a thematic inter-

active methodical approach. She focuses on educators

(parents, child care workers, teachers, pupil counselors,

educator-counselors, social workers) ánd young people.

The encyclopedia tries to translate scientific psycho-ped-

agogical insights and methodologies based on the very

latest (neuro)scientific research findings into concrete

This encyclopedia provides supportive parenting in-

formation for family and school.

The discussed parenting themes can also be found

on : https://www.opvoeding.be. These are freely ac-

cessible.

family and school contexts in a modular way. It is an ini-

tiative of the psychcom-research vzw training and re-

search center in Hove (Antwerp): info@opvoeding.be.

The focus in the encyclopedia is on parenting of the child

and on guidance in its dual sense. Guidance, on the one

hand for children with less need for explicit upbringing,

such as very young children, who require more develop-

mental stimulation; or older children, who require more

coaching. Guidance, on the other hand, in the form of

parental guidance, with particular attention to parents

as a person and their experiencing of being a parent. In

the encyclopedia there is so attention for child upbring-

ing, young child guidance, youth or adolescent guidance

and parent guidance.

At present there are already 600 specific alphabetically

ordered themes on development, parenting and guid-

ance available, each on itself. This corresponds to ap-

proximately 6,000 pages of information in book format.

The theme items are included in an alphabetically or-

dered database that forms the encyclopedia. All theme

items have also been developed for Internet, CD-ROM

and USB and can be found at www.opvoeding.be.

The encyclopedia follows an independent course and the

only objective is to make valuable scientific insights and

methods available for a broad audience, especially for

parents, teachers ánd young people. It can be concluded

that only part of these insights and methods can be

found in educational practice. In many cases, the same

approaches are used. This encyclopaedia wants to try to

fill this gap.

In the thematic components, a competence-enhancing

approach is chosen. This applies both to educators and

to children and young people. Attention is given to the

way of thinking, to the way of structuring and organizing,

and to the way of acting. This applies to both the parent,

the teacher, the child and the young person. The aim is

to add new ways of thinking, organizing and dealing in

education and development. In this way, more possibili-

ties can be made available and perhaps more specific sit-

uations in education and development can be played

out. The emphasis here is not so much on how to solve

problems, but on how to prevent problems through own

competences from acquired own and shared power and

strength. In other words, there is not so much a focus on

how to overcome weaknesses, but how to acquire

strengths. So an increased self-management and -regu-

lation as an individual and as a (family) group may be-

come possible within a larger whole. For example, an

attempt is made to prevent a great deal in ordinary up-

bringing in the ordinary environment, something that is

also referred to as 'normalising'. For example, an at-

tempt is made to prevent a great deal in ordinary up-

bringing in the ordinary environment, something that is

also referred to as 'normalising'. In this way an attempt

is made to prevent a great deal in ordinary upbringing in

the ordinary environment, something that is also re-

ferred to as 'normalising'. Ultimately, it wants to in-

crease parenting comfort for both parent and child, so

that mutual interaction runs more smoothly and more

and easier results are achieved in the desired direction.

So there should not be more, but just less.

Quality is set for each of the developed theme compo-

nents. To this end, a number of quality criteria are used

that each component must meet. These quality criteria

are:

* informative

* thematic

* process-oriented

* action-oriented

* context-oriented

* power oriented

* meta (contact) oriented

* user-centered

* inclusive

* overview focused

* situating

* methodically

* authentic

* experiential

* understandable language

* broad target audience

* minimal prior knowledge required

* illustrative

* innovative

* coherent

* increasing competency

* easily accessible

* gender inclusive language

* podcast friendly

The content has been kept as accessible as possible, yet

it is special. The quality criteria must guarantee this.

In this way, an attempt is made to make information im-

mediately available without a threshold and without ha-

ving to come forward with one’s own situation. But on

the contrary with respect for one's own situation and

own vulnerability and in a non-committal manner. He-

reby avoiding to create a feeling of inadequacy or com-

promising existing trust.

Providing information plays a key role. It should allow to

become more aware of one's own behavior and possible

reaction to it. The idea is that by looking more consciou-

sly or differently to an upbringing situation, a more cons-

cious or appropriate upbringing reaction becomes pos-

sible. Through the included interactive element in each

component, an attempt is made to link up with the pa-

rent or teacher and with one's own experience. So these

try to allow them to start a new experience that can in-

volve a certain evolution. Here there is not always a fo-

cus on what a parent can do, but also or first of all a focus

on what the child needs to develop. For example, to in-

vite parents to think and not to emphasize their own pa-

renting behavior, but to assume the situation for the pa-

rent. In order to be able to come up with solutions more

easily as a parent, without getting stuck in repetitive pa-

renting patterns that complicate being a parent. In this

way, not to perceive parent acting as determined only by

one's own upbringing, but as a result of a complex inter-

play of situation and parent. Here it is important for the

parent to start from their own situation and actions,

their own story and experience, and their own strength,

and to give them a place and also a space. Such as a fee-

ling of being able, which sometimes turns into po-

werlessness. Or feelings of joy and affection, which go

hand in hand with feelings of sadness and distance. Or

attention and care for oneself as a starting point to be

able to give attention and care to the child. Or not to

claim knowing the how as a parent, but looking for the

how together with the child.

Fundamental psychological and pedagogical research is

now making such a progression that it is obliged to re-

write a number of educational insights and approaches.

In this encyclopaedia, parents and teachers are trying to

do this for a number of themes.

As a parent or teacher you expect a lot from the environ-

ment as support in your task as an educator. You easily

feel like you want to count on others. You expect the

necessary help from the environment and society. That

contribution is however lacking easily, or at least you

have this feeling. In the theme sections, you will exa-

mine what you can do yourself to not experience these

consequences of standing to much alone. Often as a pa-

rent or teacher you will determine that it is for your ac-

count and that what you do can make the difference. In

the theme sections you try to offer help and support.

As a parent and teacher you can occasionally, often more

than you expect, come into behavior embarrassment.

This is easily accompanied by a feeling of powerlessness.

You have no influence on the child, while he has to deal

with the same problems over and over again. A don't

know anymore, as if blocked. Nothing gets done in any

way. Your knowledge and skills as parents and teachers

threaten to fall short. Usually you expect something

from the child that does not work. The danger then

exists of putting the child under pressure, with even

more risk of not succeeding. If you leave it that way, you

will fear that something will never change, at the same

time the child will be given a powerful tool that may in-

crease in frequency and the child might eventually take

over from you. You can easily fall back on your own

upbringing, or you appeal to your immediate environ-

ment, relatives or friends. But even then it is easy to see

that you do not get useful instructions.

In the theme components, the aim is to provide insight-

enhancing, action-oriented and contextually linked in-

formation. Information that mainly explains how some-

thing could happen. Which processes are present and

how they could respond to them. Attention is given to

sharing of each and of what is present, and what the in-

put of each and of what is present, could be. Today pa-

rents realize more than before that they do not always

know and do not always see it. In the media they tell you

about it, without hesitation. This means that there is re-

cognition for not being the ideal parent and to be able to

be searching. At the same time, it turns out that parents

are now more inclined to lean towards something more

strict in order not to go into action. Perhaps the higher

pace of life is something behind this. Patient search and

encouragement requires more time. Possibly also it is

related to the imbalance, according to some people, of

too little directive, sometimes too over-crowding and

leaving too much room for the child when they do not

know.

Many parents intend to have fun from and with their

child. This soon turns out to be less easy than expected.

As a parent you can easily show behavior insecurity.

Whether something is possible, whether you can best

handle something. In the encyclopedia, an attempt is

made to reduce this uncertainty from the perspective of

the opportunities and risks of own actions. Also in indi-

cating which actions in a concrete patenting situation of-

fers more opportunities with fewer risks. In this way,

one's own actions are confirmed or optimized, or useful

alternatives for their own actions are provided. Starting

from your own actions it is indicated how it can become

even more optimal. Rather than questioning one's own

parent- or teacher-dealing, one can try to find a way to

add value. It takes into account the rapidly evolving time

with new possibilities and challenges, making parenting

an increasingly complex task. The encyclopedia wants to

help parents and children gain strength in this increasin-

gly complex reality by looking for contemporary ans-

wers. So that both can find what suits them and gives

them more opportunities, so that they do not give up or

get them in overdrive. The intention is therefore cer-

tainly not to make parents insecure and weak, but rather

to let them gain and strengthen their confidence on the

basis of scientific input. As a parent, for example, you

may develop negative thoughts and feelings towards

your child, which can easily make you stiff and stuck. By

looking for how you can deal with these thoughts and

feelings differently and how to activate other thoughts

or feelings, it will allow more flexibility, something will be

is less in the way and there will be room for change and

a different reaction. This way you can transfer from

where you want to go away to where you want to go the

way. So you can give full attention to your growth op-

portunities.

In this encyclopaedia, the young person is also consi-

dered a full-fledged party or steakholder in the educati-

onal process. After all, it is him or her who is in the cen-

ter of the education process. He or she is considered as

an active 'agent' who colors the upbringing event and in-

dicates content and form as 'agency' or influence. This

implies attention to freedom of choice, behavioral space

and personally colored right to exist. This is apparent

from the age- and gender-specific approach in upbrin-

ging. There are, for example, theme elements that spe-

cifically address the young person and offer informative

help in his development. They were given the name

youth theme.

In the upbringing it is also the young person who in his

actions asks for specific parenting needs in perspective

to his development. Parenting needs where the upbrin-

ging of the environment can best be connected to as well

as possible. Thus both, young one and adult, are invol-

ved at the same time. This is based on the individuality

of each child and each young person. Individuality that

requires its own parenting approach for each.

This can also open the perspective for the adult to be-

come more aware of what parenting and development

processes mean for the child and the young person.

What they mean to them, how something is experienced

by them and how they react to it and try to exert influ-

ence.

This approach from child and young person contribute

to a child's reflex in the adult, of what his actions and the

present situation imply for the child. Something that asks

for feelers of how something is and appears to the child

or young person of the given and experienced parenting.

In this way, the safety and well-being of the child can be

prevented and, if desired, they can be restored with the

necessary support. This is discussed in, among other

things: parenting stress in the child, when it no longer

works between yourself and your child and my mom or

dad easily lose their temper. Something that can raise

such concerns as parents where they wants to work on.

This brings the child into the picture and makes it clear

where to pay attention to.

In this work, therefore, much attention is paid to the vul-

nerability of the child. A child is often unable to assess

the quality of the care and upbringing received. It often

tries to adapt to the care and upbringing situation and

circumstances and to learn from it in order to function

and develop as optimally as possible in that environ-

ment. Not only the child, but often also the parent is in-

sufficiently aware of the possible lack of quality. If the

care and upbringing received is problematic, the child is

often consciously unable to interpret this, but it does

show emotional and behavioral reactions that point to

possible chronic stress present in a context that is not

very suitable for the child and its development. The work

pays attention to this child's stress and possible emotio-

nal and behavioral reactions in order to prevent this if

possible, so that better functioning and development

opportunities can arise for the child. More specifically, it

tries to do something about it by providing a more opti-

mal living and development environment with more ap-

propriate guidance and upbringing. It provides informa-

tion and a framework for it. In this way, it may be possi-

ble to avoid a great deal of powerlessness being expe-

rienced on the part of the parent(s) and the child, resul-

ting in inappropriate mutual reactions. The information

provided must allow each to be situated in what is hap-

pening, what each is doing and what is possible. Hence

informative parenting support.

As a parent you consciously or unconsciously work to-

wards self-regulation of your child. For what the child

can not yet do, as a parent you take care of by co-regu-

lation. Co-regulation that helps the child and supports it

to develop more and more self-regulation. Especially the

way in which something can or does succeed will be

given attention in co-regulation, in order to help the

child find the way to self-regulation. It is particular this

method of regulation that will receive attention in this

encyclopaedia. The younger the child, the more co-regu-

lation will be needed, the older the child the more self-

regulation becomes possible. The younger the child, the

more important the co-regulation, in order to avoid that

the child is missing a step or facet in his development

with consequences for later. Co-regulation appears to

work in two ways. One, in which the parent helps the

child to find his own way. Two, where the child helps the

parent find the way to him or her. As the child grows

older the more self-regulation can be worked on. Such

as how to deal itself with experienced emotions, how to

keep communicating, how to stay itself in a group, how

to deal with expectations and realities, how to arm itself

against risk situations and how to meet encountered

problems and how to solve them.

From the perspective of the broad living environment,

the child is approached in an emancipatory, empowering

and participatory manner, so that it comes to its own as

an authentic person with individual meaning and active

contribution, who occupies a full place in his living envi-

ronment. A broad living environment that offers the ne-

cessary resources and protection for this.

This two-sided approach is fairly new because usually

only the adult perspective is taken in raising, as if only it

determines the upbringing. By thinking in terms of up-

bringing processes, this perspective changes to both pa-

renting actors, young one and adult and their mutual in-

teraction and relation. For example, each parenting

event is unique due to the share and interaction of adults

and young people. Most of the theme components are

therefore aimed at both as full partners in the upbringing

event.

Parenting is in this sense double layered. On the one

hand there is the encounter of parent and child as two

equal beings who share their lives together, interact with

each other in an equal manner, are involved with each

other and grow together. With an eye for meeting with

the wider environment of the family. This forms the ethi-

cal dimension and requires respectful and solidarity-ba-

sed interaction. On the other hand, there is the guidance

of the parent in the development of the child. To this

end, the parent offers the child care and support and

creates space and time to grow. This constitutes the pe-

dagogical dimension and requires a helpful approach.

Parents today invest more time and energy in their child

and his development. The child means a lot to the pa-

rent, especially emotionally. It also determines the iden-

tity of the parent. Parenthood partly determines who

they are, alongside all other partial entities. Parents are

increasingly demanding of themselves and want to offer

quality. They want to give their child every opportunity

and a happy childhood. This requires a lot of effort. They

account for an increasing share of this. At the same time,

they allow their child more input and a larger share. The

parent means so much to the child. The parent-child in-

teraction is more intense today than before. For parents

this means a more involved and intensive way of paren-

ting.

In some cases, the deep feelings towards each other in

the family may be somewhat underborn by troubles in

daily life. This often happens because people do not al-

ways know how to deal with each other. The needs of

each other – as the need of other members of the fami-

ly - may also have been lost and are little or no longer

addressed by the daily tensions and conflicts. By indica-

ting possibilities and ways to reduce and overcome ob-

stacles, tensions and conflicts, so that the unfavorable

reality and discussions can be lifted, room for these deep

feelings and needs towards each other can come in

place. Small successive successes can then gradually ini-

tiate a change process and provide the energy for further

steps towards each other. By bringing these feelings and

needs back to each other, they can also immediately of-

fer a basis for moving towards each other.

Finally, there are theme items that specifically target

adults. This specifically concerns parenting, as what

means the upbringing for the adult. This parent dimen-

sion is placed in the theme components next to the pa-

renting dimension.

In the scientific encyclopaedia, for example, there is

plenty of attention for parenting and guidance for child-

ren and young people. But in addition, a lot of attention

is also paid to parenthood, in the form of parenthood-

oriented information and guidance. Where in parenting

and guidance the child and the younger are central, pa-

rents are central in parenthood. Parenthood is seen as

broader than parenting. The offered upbringing can

end, the parenthood is not. Moreover, parents are not

only parent, but also partners, members of one or more

communities and a person on its own. For example, at-

tention is paid to the broader social context of parents,

by which someone gains meaning and comes into its

right as a person. How can favorable relationships be

built and positive relationships developed, so that a so-

cial network is created, which can be counted on if ne-

cessary and which indirectly benefits the parenting and

the upbringing and development of the child. Pa-

renthood is thus also seen as encompassing the upbrin-

ging. In the parent-child relationship there is not only

your upbringing, but also the cohabitation relationship

with your child, the emotional bond and commitment to

your child, your new parental identity, your sociocultural

background, your continuing social relationships and

your time perspective (parenting history and future per-

spective). In the encyclopedia, therefore, support is of-

fered in parenting, but also in parenthood. Not only are

the well-being and the development of the child and the

younger, the well-being and the development of the pa-

rent as a person also receive full attention. In addition

to the child perspective and dealing with the child, there

is attention to the parent perspective and dealing with

oneself as a parent. The parent is put in the centre here.

How could you do that being a parent, what does it en-

tail, where and when are you a parent, why or for what

purpose? How do you deal with the parent you someti-

mes are, but don't really want or can’t be ? Paying at-

tention not give a number of additional conditions for

being parent or to put forward a number of qualities that

must imply power and strength for the parent.

For example, parental feelings and stress - up to burnout

- are discussed. The stages of life of parents as a couple

are discussed as well as the development phases of the

child. Furthermore, the thinking development and set-

ting of the parent as a person and how this reflects on

the parenting offered. This means attention to the pa-

rent's interest next to the interests of the child. Like, for

example, how as a parent to pay attention to yourself,

yourself as well as a human being, and so on. This in-

cludes attention to questions, thoughts, feelings, needs

and concerns for the parent and as a person. As a parent,

you may know well how to parent, but there can be

something in yourself that is bothering you. Something

that you have little insight into, and about which more

information can be helpful in understanding and dealing

appropriately with the child.

Separate attention is paid to being a parent in relation to

the child. What does the child evoke in you as a parent ?

What is activated in you as a parent in contact with your

child ? What thoughts, feelings, needs and reaction ten-

dencies do you experience as a parent in dealing with

your child ? In what situation do you feel placed as a pa-

rent interacting with your child ? How much does the

child ask of you as a parent ? How much attention, time

and energy does the child demand from you as a parent?

Does what the child asks for, correspond to what you

want to offer as a parent ?

So it is proposed to start questions about parenthood

with questions about parenting. How to feel like a pa-

rent? How to grow in the role of parent ? What evolu-

tion to have gone through ? How to experience paren-

thood ? What it demands from you ? What it makes

difficult ? Whether it matches your presentation of

being parent ? Whether it meets your initial needs to be

a parent ? This is based on the assumption that a parent

who feels good about himself has it easier to raise a

child. Attention to being a parent in this work is aimed

at getting to know oneself better, taking oneself into ac-

count better, dealing with oneself better and being more

oneselves.

Today, there is a lot of attention for the relationship bet-

ween parent and child and its quality and sustainability.

A good and open parent-child relationship often forms a

solid basis for upbringing and development. In this work,

the nature of this relationship and its aspects and dimen-

sions are discussed in detail. In this way parent and child

can grow together and it can lead to a joint education

and development. Where people used to think in terms

of the child that needs to be raised and the parent that

needs to raise, people are now thinking in terms of the

relationship between parent and child and how this can

contribute to the shared challenge of developing and

education together. Together they are then responsible

for development and education. This goes beyond a in-

teractional or transactional proces. It is more about a

joint project and proces. For example are discussed :

connected parenting, partner and parent-child rela-

tionship, favorable parent-child relationship and parent-

child relationship as a basis.

More in general the context, as an important actor, re-

ceives plenty of attention. Both the real context as a

whole of small-scale and large-scale cohabitation, as the

ideal context as the whole of beliefs, values and norms

with which someone has to deal. Much is only expressed,

or is only relevant in a certain context. How is thought or

felt, how is acted or reacted and what something or so-

meone is like in reality, often requires triggers of what is

present in a specific situation as a trigger or ‘activator’.

For example, parenting questions or problems can be

linked to a certain situation or phase in someone's deve-

lopment and not so much to someone's person, beha-

vior or parenting history. For example, it is known that

certain difficulties only arise in unfavorable cir-

cumstances. By doing or changing something about that

situation, the difficulty can disappear or diminish, so that

it can be resolved or become more manageable to re-

solve. Any situation problem less is than a step in the

right direction. A term like growing up that stands for

becoming older, refers to the context in which this hap-

pens, both external and internal context. Both of these

contexts influence the existing and possible develop-

ments and the formation of identity and the opportuni-

ties or risks in this regard. Living in (disadvantaged) po-

verty or being ill, disabled, addicted or having a disorder,

often means that less development is possible or at a lo-

wer level. The living environment can be very decisive for

the development of personality and identity of the child,

such as living in a warm, familiar and stable environment,

or rather in a distant, unstable and critical environment,

an environment in which expected and desired or just

not, and so on. Attention is not only paid to the parent-

child relationship, but also to the family-child rela-

tionship and for the development of one's own network

as a surrounding context. The broader external context

such as society, culture and current times, such as virtual

online, also have a major influence on growing up. For

example, in addition to striving to strengthen one's own

strength, there is plenty of attention here for activating

surrounding social networks. The support of these net-

works mainly aims to work preventively and to increase

one's own strengths.

The attention for the child, the parent as educator and

the educational context are not approached here only in

isolation, but especially in connection with each other.

Thus, according to the transactional parenting model,

the child, the educator and the educational context are

the three actors in the dynamic circular process of pa-

renting, in which there is a mutual influence between

these three. The context often forms a condition for

something to be expressed or offered. At the same time,

child, educator and their mutual interaction help shape

the educational environment. In this way, it may be pos-

sible to join forces in parenting and jointly figuring out

and agreeing how it best can be done, as a joint quest

that offers opportunities for better ideas and dealing

with more well-being.

The encyclopedia also spends plenty of attention to the

time dimension, both on an individual and social level.

Individual attention is paid to the child from conception

to adulthood and to the parent from young parent to

grandparent. Social attention is paid to parenting and

parenthood in the past, in the present and also in the

future, with attention to the future of parenting and to

parenting for the future.

The information provided is therefore situated in the

current, constantly changing social framework of the so-

ciety. After all, the challenges parents and children face

today are constantly increasing in number and size.

Think of the increasing diversity, the disappearance of

the big stories, such as a religion that offered something

to hold on to, the globalization, the internet and social

media and networks, the inverse pyramid of authority,

the endless possibilities and at the same time limitations,

the blurring of categories and at the same time the in-

crease, the pervasive computerization, scientificization

and professionalization and the difficulties to control

pandemics.

Keeping in mind the context that you as a parent or child

can do something about and that is within your reach

and the context that is a given for you and which is

beyond your reach. In both cases this can have an effect

on the upbringing and thinking about it. In the first case

you can play and take your own responsibility, in the se-

cond case you can't. Bearing in mind the risk that the so-

cial situation and responsibility are passed on to the per-

sonal situation and responsibility, without paying atten-

tion to its coherence.

Nobody can predict the future anymore, not in the short

and long term. Every reason to gain in resilience and to

let it develop. So to prevent vulnerability, or to see it as

an opportunity for development. One can speak of a con-

tinuous transition of the society in which old patterns are

no longer useful and new patterns are not yet present or

not sufficiently flexible. How to deal with this and how to

respond to this as a family group is discussed below. The

increasing complexity of society can best be seen as a

given that you can trust and you are used to, and from

which you can start, without being overwhelmed by it or

losing control.

Attention to the time dimension also means attention to

change. Such as making parents and children aware of

and let them recognize that change and growth are pos-

sible and that they are in fact continuously present. Thus

in this way increasing empowerment. This can be done,

among other things, by discovering new coping me-

chanisms, how to use previous personal experience, to

realize that the brain has the capacity to change, taking

advantage of opportunities to grow, how to step outside

the comfort zone, how goal setting works together with

motivation and how to achieve goals.

In this encyclopedia, space has therefore been made for

a number of additional developmental aspects and areas

that are easily overlooked in education. Not only do pa-

rents often fail to pay sufficient attention to certain as-

pects and areas when dealing with their child, certain as-

pects and areas are also largely neglected in works on

upbringing and development. Attention to these deve-

lopmental aspects and areas should allow you as a pa-

rent to let the child develop skills in those areas. This at-

tention to this can mainly have a preventive effect be-

cause it often concerns less developed competences in

the child, which, however, if present, can increase self-

regulation and resilience. Supplement means an comple-

ment and addition. Complement of what was still little

or not offered attention or was not central in the deve-

lopment of the child and the upbringing offered by

adults. Also an addition of what has received little or no

attention or has been central in thinking and theory and

methodical education to date. This encyclopedia deals

with, among other things: development of favorable dy-

namics, emotional competence, development of cogni-

tive schemas and knowledge schema exploration, com-

municative development as a supplement for language

development, development of prosocial behavior and

social integration, development of one's own strength,

moral development, personal developmental plan, dea-

ling with changes, equilibration, self-regulation and self-

efficacy and development of the search, influence and

selection function of the child.

In our current complex society with its high degree of

instability and change, there is an increasing need for the

child to develop its own strengths. By pointing out these

own strengths of the child, it is also possible to respond

more specifically to them in the upbringing. In this way

preventive possibilities can be developed to deal with

the countless situations and challenges that children and

young people face today, or even to play a central role in

dealing or solution-oriented response. In this way, both

parents and children can increasingly develop a powerful

feeling and have less of a feeling that things are escaping

them, things over which they seem to have no influence

or control. This work aims to additionally highlight some

of these developmental aspects and areas, without in-

creasing the pressure on parents. Not even more, but

better less. Rather, perhaps partly different, which may

make it less demanding in the long run. This is because

solid foundations are laid in the development, on which

you can count on and build on. Memory and cognition

schemes play a central role in this story. It concerns pro-

cessed own experience stored in the memory and infor-

mation obtained from the experience of others. In this

way, in contemporary scientific thinking with attention

to information and neuroscientific processing, the ac-

tions of a child or young person are increasingly seen as

memory-determined and centered.

The parental approach in the past easily created dis-

tance, misunderstanding, hierarchy and immutability.

Think, for example, of an authoritarian upbringing or of

punishment and reward as a method. The current ap-

proach offers opportunities for proximity, understan-

ding, equality, changeability and is committed to this.

Think, for example, of authoritative parenting or bonding

parenting. Where previously communication was diffi-

cult due to the requirements or expectations, there is

now more optimal communication due to a listening at-

titude or supportive approach. Where previously the re-

lationship was regarded as less or of little importance,

now the relationship and its quality are paramount.

Where previously the parent was central and was the

starting point and the measure, now the child is central

and forms the starting point and the measure. Being a

parent used to consist of holding on and staying in one's

role, in being a parent there is now room for being able

to let go (for a while) and knowing how to step out of his

role, the parent is thus more than just being a parent.

Parenting thus depends on many actors as well as on

existing factors and processes that influence the child

and its development. In this way, forces specific to actors

can be activated or addressed in parenting, some factors

can be influenced in favor and existing processes can be

optimized and activated in a targeted manner.

Education is fundamental to one's life and development.

It lays a foundation for one's functioning and influences

one's later thinking and experience and one's behavior

and dealings. It provides both forms and contents that

help guide someone’s life and direction. It characterizes

someone for his further life and development. Education

is very unique, so is its influence and impact. It is at the

root of difference. Education can be more or less impli-

cit, but it is never neutral.

So much scientific research has already been done, that

this requires order and systematization. This systema-

tization allows to get an overview of the various

(researched) parental situations and opportunities. In

this way it allows you to situate yourself as a parent or

young person and to discover and oversee the available

possibilities. This way, an informed choice and selection

can be made of what fits best with you and the situation

and this can be added. For example, it allows you to si-

tuate yourself as a parent or young person in what you

do and is possible.

This encyclopedia is not so much about how to get con-

trol of your child's upbringing as an adult. Rather, it is

about how to influence your child's upbringing with res-

pect for your child as a person. The first finds its origin

mainly in science, the second in philosophy and ethics

around it. The first is hierarchical, the second egal and

solidary. Science is one, how you deal with its findings is

two. After all, it is up to you to find out how you can deal

with the various scientific findings and what they can

mean for you. Freedom of choice and space for this, ta-

king into account your own actions and your concrete si-

tuation, are crucial. You can read more about this in

'Deontology in parenting aid' (Franck, 1989) and in the

theme section 'From control culture to influence culture'

of this encyclopedia.

This differs from parenting information that is often pre-

sented as parenting advice in a or-or form. In this case,

the proposed form of parenting is presented as prefe-

rable, or as the mode of parenting. Other types of paren-

ting are then often presented as less desirable, or

avoided for a number of reasons listed. In this encyclo-

paedia, it has been decided to place valuable methods of

parenting side by side, with attention for their possibili-

ties and for how they are working process-wise. This is

more about an and-and story with attention to what

each of these modes of parenting can be used in which

specific situations. This without wanting to pretend or

claim anything, but rather to contribute in a modest and

appropriate way.

Consequently, this work does not pursue a reductionist

or prescribing perspective. But there is rather taken an

expansive and informative perspective. There is no con-

verging punctual direction, but a divergent all-encom-

passing representation is sought. Education and paren-

ting are not reduced to something, but what is present

and what can be added is sought. It is also not attempted

to convince, but to stimulate one's own thinking.

For example, when attention is paid to the neuroscienti-

fic contribution to parenting, no reduction is intended

from child or parent to their brain and its development,

but the brain is seen as involved in childhood and paren-

thood and the development of it. The aim is not to make

a point, but an attempt is made to cover all points and to

give them their place. Nothing is magnified for one's own

story, but rather everything is nuanced for the multitude

of stories. Not one presentation is central, but space is

offered for several presentations. Also, not too far-

reaching distractions are made with regard to parenting

practice, but an attempt is made to stick to the research

facts. Informing, not advising is the order of the day. Des-

cribing, not confirming or indicating preference is the

orientation.

In the encyclopaedia, the emphasis is on development

and parental processes, interactions and contexts. Not

so much the development and parental factors or cha-

racteristics. Factors and characteristics lead (too) easily

to labels and categories that are difficult to get rid of and

that focus unilaterally on something as if nothing else is

out there. Processes, interactions and contexts rather

offer a description that forms a basis for acting and dea-

ling with it. They are rather diffuse and leave room for

something outside. The emphasis is therefore not so

much on what and who. The emphasis is more on how

and which. Which processes and influences are no-

ticeable for both parents and children and how these

processes and influences could be anticipated to opti-

mize them for development and upbringing. In this way,

parenting is conceived as a development and learning

process in which you can grow. This is done without si-

tuating the origin of the less fluent education with you,

and not you as only responsible to succeed. Similarly,

this work helps to understand how potentially unfavo-

rable processes, such as polarization and radicalization

processes, arise and work, by means of the central con-

cept of cognitive or character. It then shows you how

you can work on depolarization and deradicalisation

from this insight. Finally, it also indicates how these pro-

cesses may link up with existing failures and disruptions.

In this sense, the encyclopedia is psycho- and socio-edu-

cational. With psycho- and socio-education is meant to

give more insight, more vigor and more control by ex-

plaining exactly what is going on, showing which pro-

cesses (psycho) and interactions occur in specific con-

texts (socio), and letting experience what mechanisms

there are to exert influence in favor and which me-

chanisms go away from what is unfavorable. By giving

visibility, by articulating and by making it experienceable

and workable, further skill can grow o act with more in-

sight and more impact.

The encyclopaedia aims to provide a certain level of

meta in concrete thinking and acting as a parent and tea-

cher in daily educational situations. So there is not only

what you think and do, but also a certain awareness.

This way, an insight and consideration moment can al-

ways be built-in. In this way, you can also incorporate a

moment of choice into your reaction, so that a reaction

with added value becomes possible. Because of this

greater awareness, you can better tailor your interaction

and better situate yourself between other possible reac-

tions. Your reflection creates more room to better at-

tune your actions to perceived needs for guidance with

your child. By keeping a mental view, by following, thin-

king ahead, guiding and reflecting, you get a better grip

on your actions.

By being able to situate yourself better, you also get to

know yourself better. Like what is typical of your way of

thinking and acting and who you are. Which, moreover,

this specifically goes back and at when somewhere be-

fore. This way you discover how what is specific to you

may be a resource, or a stand in the way, and how you

can change this.

Rather than questioning parent- and teacher-dealing, it

wants to offer a basis for this action. Parents and tea-

chers can experience support through this substantia-

tion. It also makes it clear to them how they can evolve

in their actions and offers the necessary support to know

these steps.

Rather than indicate anything from the outside about

the what and how of parenting and teacher-behavior.

From the inside the starting point is the what and how of

parent and teacher-dealing with respect for their own

context. What and how something is for the parent or

teacher. This should allow not to seek answers, but to

come to formulate their own answers. Rather than at-

tempt to provide answers, parents and teachers are sup-

ported to come up with their own answers and so gain own

power and strength.

Parents are rather presented as experienced and com-

petent. Parenting is not approached too quickly as if it is

beyond their possibilities and power. Parenting is also

not taken for granted. Nor is it taken for more, rather for

otherwise. Parenting is quite a challenge and difficulties

are considered to be associated with it. These difficulties

are often tied to the development phase of the child. By

informing parents, an attempt is made to increase their

options for action and to allow them to gain their own

and shared strength, so that they can cope with their ac-

tual challenges. However, if the problems encountered

threaten to exceed their own possibilities and forces,

outside help is recommended. This may be due to the

increase in problems, their timeliness, their intensity, du-

ration or recurrence. Even then parents can be sup-

ported from their vulnerability to have an increasing

share in the solution together with the child.

In a school context, there is a clear question of how to

stimulate social behavior so that young people develop

to deal responsibly with their environment and so that

roughness of behavior can be prevented. The develop-

ment of healthy behavior and learning and work strate-

gies also require attention. As well as learning to control

someone own behavior and dealing with stress and ten-

sion. In many countries, therefore, understanding expe-

riences and behavior is central in a school context. This

to acquire competences that help development and

learning.

In the encyclopedia the development of the child is put

central. To make this possible, parenting can make a

contribution. In the encyclopaedia this development-

supporting meaning and function of upbringing is ad-

dressed.

To give space to the own character of the child and the

adult and let them come to their right, is a central star-

ting point. Rather than disturbing present processes and

interactions, trying to them gain quality. Attempts are

made to make what is and happens visible and to offer

possibilities to improve the quality of the interaction.

The whole was developed from a supportive perspec-

tive, for both parent and child, in which polarization is

prevented. This happened by not thinking in terms of

(unfavorable) judgments: such as ‘spoiled’ or 'ungrateful

children’, 'unrespectful', 'unreasonable', ‘boundless’ or

'egocentric’ young people, or ‘overprotective' or 'pam-

pering parents’, or 'mutually opposed’ or ‘uncertain ma-

king' pedagogical experts. In other words, there is atten-

tion, not for what goes wrong and who is wrong, but

there is attention to how together from everyone's

strength the quality can be improved. So that it does not

turn out to be who is faced with whom, but it is a search

for what to support together. In this way not choosing

the track of more panic with negative representation of

children, young people, parents and pedagogical ex-

perts. Such as, for example, the child as a risk or problem

child, the upbringing shifted to school education, experts

as depriving spontaneity and intuition and alienating.

Support is not provided here for the sake of not being

able to handle it alone, which might support suggest. It

is based on their own autonomy and independence. Nor

is it an attempt to make parents professionals, but more

competent and with more options and possibilities, ba-

sed on their own autonomy. No attempt is made to strive

for or achieve professionalism for parents while maste-

ring all possibilities. But it is precisely to allow parents to

explore useful new possibilities based on their own act-

ions, situation and strength. This without feeling obliged

to choose with so much freedom and possibilities.

Parenting support therefore does not have the connota-

tion that parents can no longer or are not allowed to do

it alone. On the contrary, it tries to respect and streng-

then their independence, without imposing anything on

them, but making alternatives available. So that they can

still gain in self-assurance and self-confidence. For

example, the quality of upbringing can be further enhan-

ced by making information available if it is desired.

In this encyclopedia it was decided not to do this in a

language for professionals or experts, but to opt for a

universal design when providing insights and behavior.

Preference is given to the language of parents or tea-

chers. Even more, where possible, preference was given

to the language of the child or the young person to

whom it ultimately goes. Not what professionals say, but

what can something mean to me as an adult, or how can

it be useful for the child or the young person in develop-

ment.

Rather than winning the reader for something in the en-

cyclopedia, an attempt is made to bring together multi-

ple insights and to possibly build bridges. Attempts are

being made to broaden the horizon so that a better lo-

cation of one's own upbringing situation and action, and

a more specific choice and response become possible.

Sometimes focusing on parental competence is called

demanding and disruptive, as this would result in paren-

tal insecurity and confusion. It is meant that a scientific

approach would have insufficient eye and respect for its

own complex educational reality and would require pro-

fessionalism.

In other words, use is made here of a distinction bet-

ween an empirical scientific perspective with diagnoses

and advice and a philosophical framework and meta-ap-

proach that allows for more personality and more speci-

fically the individuality of the parent, the child and their

context. The first is then indicted and the second then

acts as prosecutor.

However, this latter philosophical insight may still re-

quire more competence than to conform to empirical

findings. In this encyclopedia both dimensions are

treated as competences for this purpose, the first empi-

rically-scientifically substantiated with emphasis on in-

forming and not advising, the second as philosophical-

scientific and ethical with emphasis on own experience

and thinking. These two dimensions or layers are ap-

proached in encounter with each other and in what they

can mean for each other.

As scientific knowledge increases, some scientists

become worried about the use of this knowledge. They

fear that scientific diagnoses and advice make parents

insecure. They suggest that parents better follow their

own compass and gut feeling and ignore scientific in-

sights and findings. At most they can exchange ideas

with each other as experience experts. With a risk today

of 'sharenting', where via the social media too much con-

tent about or outgoing from own children is shared,

therefore also called 'oversharenting'. In this sharing

with each other, more and more organization is pursued,

in accordance with the trend towards the socialization of

care as no longer just a matter for the government. Pa-

rents, citizens, volunteers and professionals work toge-

ther around everything related to education, from the

motto upbringing, you don’t do it as a parent alone. So

locally organized volunteer work is linked to informal

educational help, also known as educational civil society.

With the risk, however, of an unequal distribution of

upbringing support through initiative from below. In this

context, social meeting spaces with a range of games

and meeting options are provided, without specific di-

rection or preconceived purpose. Parents and children

can meet each other and exchange experiences and

ideas that can be enriching. Parents find recognition and

social and emotional support there, can learn from each

other and, through the diversity encountered, better si-

tuate and measure themselves and their actions. In this

way they can gain self-confidence and a sense of self-

worth. The importance of support from one's own social

network is also pointed out. Research by the Social Cul-

tural Planning Office in the Netherlands shows in parti-

cular that support from one's own social network often

has positive effects and advantages for parents. Howe-

ver, it can sometimes also bring uncertainty, as it turns

out. It also appears that being able to fall back on a social

network is less often possible for parents in a vulnerable

position. There appeared to be limits to the support

sought for privacy reasons and out of shame, parents do

not always want to share their situation and problems.

Another fear is that parents would blindly follow scienti-

fic developments closely and become afraid of making

mistakes by deviating from them in their thinking and ac-

tions. That instead of more options, only one way and

manner would remain. This out of concern for parents to

disadvantage their child or even cause harm. This con-

cern is stronger in Anglo-Saxon countries. More specifi-

cally, the numerous recent neuroscientific findings

would oblige parents to follow a neurodiscourse in pa-

renting that focuses primarily on the brain development

of their child. As if their child and its development could

be reduced to this. There is then talk of one-sided neu-

roparenting that would limit both the parent and the

child in their freedom. But here too it appears that it is

not entirely possible to eliminate parenting insecurity,

that a nuanced, faithful and appropriate translation of

research is necessary if it is to be useful and that it is dan-

gerous to reduce the child to its brain and parenting to

development of its brain.

Because we start from the independence and autonomy

of parents and young people and we only want to streng-

then and support parents and young people, rather than

confuse and weaken them, we chose to inform parents

and young people about the various available knowledge

and the range of also new possibilities. In this way we

want to leave the initiative to parents and young people

to inform themselves and make or strengthen their own

choices. This all is not based on a weakness or gap that

must be eliminated, on the contrary, parents and young

people are recognized and validated in their strengths

and forces. The optics are therefore rather bidirectional,

what can each learn from each other, rather seeking ba-

lance and dosed, which possible contribution each can

have and not reducing or persistent, but just opening up

and expanding with the necessary nuances. Perhaps to

join forces here too and find out together and agree on

how it best can be done, as a joint quest that offers op-

portunities for better ideas and dealing with more well-

being.

We outline the various options, so that this information

is available if required, without including the expert role

of diagnostician or consultant. Leaving users all (paren-

tal) freedom. Our point of view here is not to withhold

parents or young people from scientific information or

to put them in perspective. In this way we hope to allow

them to inform themselves about what they are doing

and what is possible in addition.

So this work is not about telling parents what to do. It's

more about pointing out options. No formulations as ad-

vice to be followed, but offering a possibility and oppor-

tunity to think for themselves and make their own choi-

ces. Taking into account available information, one's

own situation and one's own strength.

The encyclopaedia is primarily focused on a preventive

educational approach. This does not alter the fact that

a lot of information can be used in a more problematic

educational framework.

For each theme section at the back, a number of questi-

ons are provided for inspiration. They can help concre-

tize and apply the insights and methods provided.

What is addressed in education in a micro environment,

such as the family, can have a certain relevance for the

interaction in a macro environment, such as the society.

Similar stresses as a result of communication and in-

fluencing methods can, for example, be recognized. At

the same time, solution methods linked to more harmo-

nious communication and influence methods in a family

context can be meaningful in a broader social and cultu-

ral context. The how has many parallels, even if the who

is something different.

Often the challenge is even greater in the family, given

the close and continuous life of relatively few people,

while in the society there is more distance, temporality

and a larger and wider whole. In the family the conse-

quences and repercussions are immediate, in society the

consequences and repercussions require a little more

time, although they may be far-reaching.

From now on you can also listen to the alphabetically ar-

ranged parenting themes as a podcast. This can be done

by opening the part of the encyclopedia in which your

chosen theme can be found and then downloading it

with the download symbol at the top. You can then open

this downloaded file from Word. In Word, choose Re-

view and then Read Aloud. You can then go to the desi-

red parenting theme and listen to the fragment as a pod-

cast with the play arrow. Enjoy listening! If necessary,

convert PDF to Word and save a copy. Once you've figu-

red out how it works, it's very user-friendly. Playing a

dash of quiet or classical music in the background in a

split screen view can complete the picture.

All information in the encyclopaedia has been collected

and compiled with great care. However, no responsibi-

lity can be taken for the content and use thereof. Con-

sultation and use are entirely under your own responsi-

bility.

The content of the encyclopedia can be quoted with re-

ference of the source.

Where around

In the encyclopaedia, special attention is given to the re-

ferential thinking & working model. In English referential

model. This referential thinking & working model is gra-

dually making its appearance in the care and healthcare

sector and integrates many of the existing thinking and

working models by taking a step further. It does this by

systematizing the existing models and incorporating

them into a larger sustainable whole with its own con-

ceptual framework. Particularly insight into the often

problematic processes present and making a switch to

more favorable processes is one of its assets. To this end,

the referential model is simultaneously process-oriented

(neural and mental), action-oriented & context-

oriented. She relates these different orientations to

each other and visualizes their mutual links.

More specifically, attention is given to what parenting

and guidance models refer to, the where around, to give

them a place opposite each other and to make visible

what can still be added, the where to, in order to arrive

at a total picture. In particular, it wants to provide more

insight into the often problematic processes present in

someone's development, the where around, in order to

make a switch to more favorable development proces-

ses, the where to. On an individual level, it thus wants to

help to gain insight into what it is all about for someone,

the where around, to get from here to what it could be

about for someone, the where to.

The model shows affinities with the emerging schema

thinking & working model, the current identity question

and the evolving evidence-based information processing

theory with neuroscientific roots. It expands the con-

textual model further.

Referential represents what something is about. What is

in the center and is the essence. By being aware of this

in its various forms, what revolves around what is in the

center and forms the essence, can be changed. The re-

ferential approach wants to create space to make visible

what plays a central role in a person's functioning and

functioning together, but is difficult to make visible

because we are so close to it. It wants to make resources

available from visibly made processes to optimize what

is so central, so that a better personal and cooperative

functioning can ensue. From the referential it is just a

step towards the (p)referential.

In this approach, attention is given to the cognitive, the

virtual and the cultural in individuals and groups of indi-

viduals. This as inner core elements, also called cognitive

and cultural schemes, around which it can turn with so-

meone or a group. These mental elements are brought

together to describe and predict the influence and direc-

tion of individual and group behavior. It shows how each

participates in his own understanding, behavioral, and

contextual filling of his inner schemas and how this has

an orientation, steering and limiting effect on his own

expression and his own actions. In addition to the collec-

tive linguistic filling of used concepts, there is a personal

psychological filling of these concepts that determine

what something is or should be for each, how you do or

should do something, and where and when to achieve

something.

The referential model allows to visualize what is linked

and what refers to each other in its coherence and con-

gregation, to put it in its proper context and to help on

the way to from a new perspective. This way connections

can be made visible and what makes reference to some-

thing else made aware. This way the larger picture can

be mapped. As a result, possible obstacles can be de-

tected and forces released. This way difficulties can be

given a place and problems solved. Like, for example,

how negative experiences can stand in the way, or how

someone remains excessively stuck to unusable beliefs,

or how certain emotions and desires stand between so-

meone and his environment, or how someone threatens

to fall victim to unrealistic plans or unattainable dreams,

and more.

Schemes can help explain why we do not so easily

change opinions or feelings. First, there is a tendency to

retain an already developed cognitive or emotional

schema. As a result, we will only or preferably note what

fits within our schemes. This is how we protect our per-

sonal truth. Secondly, there is a tendency to defend our

schemes. We evoke thoughts and arguments ourselves

in accordance with our already developed schemes or

beliefs. Thirdly, if we want or need to change or change

our schemes, we do this only step by step or by little

bits. We only shift a little each time.

Thinking in terms of schemes around which something

turns or is about and which are disturbed is already com-

mon to researchers and professionals. This includes,

among others, identity questions, agression, schema

therapy, diagnosis and treatment of anorexia, trauma

treatment, suicidal and attachment problems. Schemes

often play a mediating role between what used to be in

the less favorable development and what is expressed at

a later stage.

In this work this is supplemented with schemes with un-

disturbed development in a favorable framework. For

example, schemas can be dimensionally situated on a

continuum of a non-disturbed with an average develop-

ment to a disturbed in a problematic development. Dif-

ferent degrees can then be recognized.

This approach deals extensively with seeing what we ex-

pect to see: such as our own anxieties and fears, desires

and wishes, ideas and benefits. This is possible without

the fact that something in reality corresponds with this

as present, or as is so, or as corresponds with to those

expectations.

But also that, as a rule, we do not notice what is not ex-

pected, because it is not feared, is not demanded or is

not proposed. Even though it is present or present in re-

ality, but not in expectation.

This is also sometimes described, if too pronounced,

distorted and/or too one-sided, as living in a world of its

own or a bubble of its own. Here the reality is replaced

by personal memories, ideas, expectations, dreams and

fears without a real link to reality. What lives inside is so-

metimes described as facts that can take the form of 'fa-

ke' or 'alternative' facts and do not correspond with rea-

lity.

The referential thinking & working model is substantia-

ted with scientific findings from recent research and thus

translates research into practice. It forms a scientific up-

date of existing insights. So she added to these insights

the contextual, the cognitive, the neuroscientific, the

cultural and the virtual dimension. Psychology is thus not

only in function of behavior and psychic behavioral pro-

cesses, but also in function of behavioral conditions. In

other words, the referential model is not a theory, but

forms a framework in which scientific research find his

place. It arose from a fragmentation of insights and me-

thods in the field of pedagogy and guidance that had no

binding agent.

(P)referential in the title of the encyclopedia has a dual

meaning. When talking about parenting, there is often a

preferential undertone : 'You can best do that.' However,

this encyclopedia uses an informative point of view -

hence the p in brackets. It wants to clarify what it refers

to in the various types of parenting. As where it revolves

around, so that this or that direction is not unconsciously

taken. What is parenting about and where thus it goes

to, together, where to go to or is referential. In addition,

there is a second reason for using (p)referential. Perhaps

or possibly the conscious own choice for certain and

multiple references in parenting is preferred and is pre-

ferential.

In summary, the initial p is stripped of the initial prefe-

rential, in order to become aware of what is central in

different ways of parenting. Later, after clarification of

several references to where parenting refers, it is possi-

ble to make a consciously and own choice for multiple

references as what is perhaps or possibly preferential -

in this way referential gets its initial p back.

On this scientific encyclopedia is worked for years. This

encyclopaedia wants to be an available precipitation of

this innovative work. Hopefully it finds its way to inte-

rested parties and end users.

A total of 12 volumes are available with alphabetically

ordered (p)referential parenting and guidance compo-

nents. Each of these theme items is self-contained and

can be used separately. At the same time, themes are

integrated into the larger whole that forms the encyclo-

paedia.

Even though the scientific encyclopaedia is arranged alp-

habetically, some emphases can be indicated of what is

dealt with in the individual parts:

In part one and two it is mainly about attention, care and

well-being for reality. For example, communica-

tion and dynamics are central to Part 1 and Section 2

describes behavior and well-being.

In part three and four it is mainly about attention, care

and well-being for yourself. For example, in part 3 inte-

raction and image formation is central and in part 4 mo-

dels and learning.

In part five and six it is mainly about attention, care and

well-being for the other person. For example, in section

5 guidance and development is central and in section

6 parenthood and parenting.

In part seven and eight it is mainly about attention, care

and well-being for the relationship. For example, in sec-

tion 7 the reactive and (problem) solution is central and

in part 8 relational and referential.

Part 9 and 10 focus primarily on attention, care and well-

being for the environment and context. For example, in

section 9 social interaction and schema development

is central and in part 10 language and change.

In parts eleven and twelve, it is mainly about attention,

care and well-being for the whole of the mind. For

example, in section 11, connection and valuation

are central and in section 12 world- and self-orientation.

The attention, care and well-being offered in each of

these areas can lead to a more optimal handling, rela-

tionship and connection in each of these areas. In the

contact-oriented, relationship-oriented and connecting

parenting, there is increasing interest in this. Attention

stands for mental in mind, care stands for behavior

around and well-being stands for the desired experi-

enced reality. All this can best be achieved from devel-

oping competence.

In each of the scientific parts the emphasis is always on

two complementary facets or processes of parenting

and counseling. One facet is for the share of parent(s)

and supervisor(s). The complementary facet is for the

child's share in development. One process takes place

with parent(s) and supervisor(s), the complementary

with the child. Both complementary facets or processe

anticipate and influence each other. No matter how dif-

ferent, they always form a whole. These complementary

facets are thematically broader across the parts.

These complementary facets are successively:

communication and own dynamics (part 1),

behavior and well-being (part 2),

interaction and image formation (part 3),

models and learning (part 4),

guidance and development (part 5),

parenthood and parenting (part 6),

the reactive and (problem) solution (part 7),

relational and referential (part 8),

social interaction and schema development (part 9),

language and change (part 10),

connection and valuation (part 11),

world- and self-orientation (part 12 & 12bis).

This broadening of the demands of parents can also be

found in the top 5 in the Netherlands of questions about

parenting, obtained on the basis of national and provin-

cial research reports. This has also been taken into ac-

count in the classification.

This top 5 of parenting questions is:

1: General development of children, health and child di-

seases, can be found in

communication and own dynamics (part 1) and

behavioral behavior and well-being (part 2),

2: Behavior of children, especially difficult and 'disobe-

dient' behavior, can be found in

interaction and imaging (part 3) and

models and learning (part 4),

3: Setting limits, listening and 'obeying', correcting and

punishing, reflected in

counseling and development (part 5),

parenthood and upbringing (part 6) and

the reactive and (problem) solution (part 7),

4: Socio-emotional development, self-confidence, uncer-

tainty and (failure) anxiety, reflected in

relational and referential (part 8) and

social interaction and schema development (part 9),

5: General educational questions and skills, to be found

language and change (part 10),

connection and valuation (part 11) and

world and self-orientation (part 12 & 12bis).

Today, the referential model is unintentionally more cur-

rent than ever. Today, more and more tendencies can be

observed in society to break through and abolish the tra-

ditional gender, ethnic and class categories and divi-

sions. This sometimes leads to new and other more va-

ried categories and dividing lines with a larger assort-

ment. Sometimes all divisions and distinctions are lifted.

Everyone can then fill in everything themselves and ac-

cording to their own preference and dosage, so that col-

lective labels and associated valuation are no longer

useful. This is often linked to accepting and appreciating

everything and everyone, called woke. The referential

model describes the underlying processes, including

how to bring about change.

If you prefer a first acquaintance, the basic work in Dutch

‘Referential schema thinking and acting for the educatio-

nal practice. Scientific insights updated ' is an interesting

option.

Some short visual illustrations of possible application of

referential thinking and working

animation presentation

I would like to laugh,

but I feel sad!

We try to solve upcoming problems,

while we do not pay attention to

what there is, what works and what

is feasible!

I am always excluded and then I feel unsafe.

I would love to belong to the group and count

as someone, so I could feel safe.

Our child can easily divide us, for whom our

child chooses.

Instead of competing, we could also discuss

together, support and follow each other!

I prefer other parents as experi-

ential experts to share things.

I choose to exchange thoughts

and experiences as parents and

to form myself as thus.

I prefer experts to help

me with this.

I choose to learn and increase

my competence as a parent.

Can you be realistic

and child friendly!

I am friendly and

warm!

I am principled!

Look differently,

react differently

How a child experiences a social situation or event, will

strongly determine his reaction. This reaction can be a

favorable starting point for children with whom it is con-

cerned. This reaction can also form an unfavorable star-

ting point for the reaction of the other children. The re-

action of the first child is determined by the way it per-

ceives the situation or the event, how it experiences and

interprets it. The child can change little about the situa-

tion or the event. The child can also change little how

the children will respond to his reaction. It may, howe-

ver, try to change its unfavorable perception into a more

favorable one. In this way it can react differently, so that

it gives the other children the chance to react more fa-

vorably and differently.

How a child experiences a situation or event, will

greatly determine its response.

In summary :

How a child looks, not only determines his reaction, but

largely also the reaction of the other children.

If we want to influence the reaction of the other children,

we will have to change the way of looking of the child.

Below are three situations, find out for yourself how the

child can turn his reaction, but also that of the other

child, by a more favorable experience. In order not to get

stuck in the 'unfavorable situation' and the unfavorable

reaction of the other child, it can try to change its per-

ception so that it can react differently. As a result, the

child can develop the sense of having a grip on a difficult

situation and not being dependent on it, or having to un-

dergo the helplessness.

Situation:

looks at me

To experience :

Thinks I am weird

My reaction :

look away and do not dare to do anything

say or do

Consequence:

The other child is really staring at me now

Situation:

laughs at me

To experience :

laughs with me

My reaction :

sting out tongue

Consequence:

The other child laughs even harder

Situation:

sticks tongue out

To experience :

hate me

My reaction :

turn my eyes down

and walk away

Consequence:

the other child starts to laugh laughter

Children with less favorable reactions are easily inclined

to stick to a first emotionally colored unfavorable per-

ception of a situation. From previous less pleasant expe-

riences in similar situations and a possibly less favorable

self-image and low sense of self-esteem, a new confron-

tation quickly evokes tensions that distort the expe-

rience. On the basis of this tense distorted experience is

then easily reflexively reacted against the other or

against themselves. This immediately implies an unfavo-

rable starting point for the reaction of other children,

who may feel misunderstood in some way or who per-

ceive that they are faced with someone who is a model

for self-discernment.

Children with such less favorable perceptions can be hel-

ped by helping them in addition to their first spontane-

ous unfavorable experience to find a second experience

that is more favorable. Not from a painful past but from

a hopeful self-challengers future. To take the height of a

less tense factual reality that is more nuanced. On the

basis of this image, which is closer to reality, one can opt

for a reaction towards the other. This immediately im-

plies a more favorable starting point for the reaction of

the other person, who feels addressed and experiences

someone who is open and approach-able.

Since the first emotional reflex has often become an au-

tomatism, the child will always have to go beyond this

automatism in order to arrive at a second more realistic

experience, closer to the other and themselves. A diffi-

culty here is that the emotional reflex is always faster

than the reality-based reaction. The child will have to

make every effort, until the new experience has gradu-

ally become an automatism. In this way the child can

come from a defensive or protective attitude to a more

involved and cooperative attitude.

red is unfavorable perception, green is favorable perception

Below are three situations, find out for yourself how the child can turn its reaction,

but also that of the other child, by a more favorable experience. In order not to get

stuck in the 'unfavorable situation' and the unfavorable reaction of the other child,

it can try to change its perception so that it can react differently. As a result, the

child can develop the sense of having a grip on a difficult situation and not being

dependent on it, or having to undergo the helplessness.

Situation:

looks at me

To experience :

Thinks I am weird

My reaction :

look away and do not dare to

do anything

say or do

Consequence:

The other child is really staring

at me now

Situation:

sticks tongue out

To experience :

hate me

My reaction :

turn my eyes down

and walk away

Consequence:

the other child starts to laugh

laughter

Situation:

laughs at me

To experience :

laughs with me

My reaction :

sting out tongue

Consequence:

The other child laughs even har-

der

Situation:

looks at me

To experience :

shows interest in me

My reaction :

stands still, watch back en

asks what happens

Consequence:

winks at me as recognition

Situation:

sticks tongue out

To experience :

does funny to me

My reaction :

run to him

Consequence:

make himself a joke about

tongue

Situation:

laughs at me

To experience :

likes me

My reaction :

teases with his tongue

Consequence:

is running to me

In summary :

The first old experiencing, feeling, thinking, imagining the

other and themselves and reacting in a situation will gra-

dually consciously be replaced by sustained effort by a

second new experiencing, feeling, thinking, imagining the

other and themselves and reacting.

In this way the child can gradually start from leaving be-

hind the situation and children with which to make, and

come to an on the way to the situation and the children

with whom it wants to deal.

Because of emotional automatism, the environment and

the child will have to pay sufficient attention to the actual

realism.

The situation and the children that are dealt with will

have to be stripped of their own less favorable associati-

ons and thus provide space for more favorable helping

connections. Deconstruction can thus provide space for

new construction.

This is not an easy task for the child, which obviously has

his feelings of insecurity, less trust in other children and

self-doubt. For these feelings, the necessary space must

certainly also be offered relational.

However, if the child does not want to become even

more victim of these feelings, with the risk that they still

increase in size and intensity, then it needs positive so-

cial confirmation. The child can increase the chances of

this by believing that the perceived insecurity and the

less trust in others and themselves are only temporary

and that certainty and trust for him or her and in other

children must also be possible by finding opportunities

for this.

In addition, it can often be even more difficult for the

child if it encounters real unfavorable feelings and a truly

repulsive attitude with other children, which may be trig-

gered by their own reaction. Even then, when the child

encounters unfavorable feelings, thoughts and inten-

tions with other children, it is necessary not to continue

this and to offer no longer any further opportunities for

it. But to make an attempt to reverse this yourself. The

grip on this situation and the reaction of the other child-

ren will otherwise be minimal in such a situation. Only by

taking steps to reverse the negative spiral by a second

more favorable perception of where to want to go in the

future, despite the perceived lack of openness and coo-

peration, can eventually be found to be connected to

other children and to awaken step-by-step a different

feeling, thinking, meaning and reaction to them.

How parents can help ? Recent research at Utrecht Uni-

versity shows that explanations parents give to child be-

havior helps young children to view the behavior of their

peers with less hostility. Young children are more easily

hostile or agressive when they think other children want

to hurt them. This is so when they interprets it as provo-

cation. Most children interpret ambiguous contempts as

accidental, some find them hostile. By framing social si-

tuations in a positive way, parents can let their child ex-

perience less hostility in their social world. This way they

can reduce the chance of agressive behavior. Young

children rely primarily on their parents to help them un-

derstand their social world. Very often they talk to their

parents about dealing with their peers.

Recent research from the University of Illinois shows that

the quality of friendships in children can be influenced

by the benign or hostile finding of the intentions of peers

and by how they experience and express their own emo-

tions. The emotions present do not stand alone, but go

together with the activated cognitions in a social context

when a child communicates with peers. Both interact

with each other. Here it is the emotion and its intensity

that motivates or stimulates the reaction and the cogni-

tion that gives direction to the reaction, friendly or hos-

tile. Children can respond more quickly when their hos-

tile judgment or bias is fed by stronger emotions. They

attack other children or ignore other children. On the

other hand, children can show a more positive behavior

towards friends if their friendly representation is combi-

ned with stronger emotions. Their friendship and inter-

action with each other is growing then.

A challenge for adults here is to help children who exhibit

negative cognitions to model more positive views on in-

teractions when the situation justifies this. For example,

the child does not want to hurt you, but cannot express

himself appropriately.

Or as a parent you can ask about thoughts and emotions

in the child during interactions. Certainly when adoles-

cence is reached, the child can increasingly reflect on his

own cognitions and, if necessary, adjust them more fa-

vorably. Deep positive emotions can then reinforce

friendships with peers.

Assertivity

A learning school for assertiveness

Assertiveness is not a given. It is something that can be

learned, or can be given in education. It is not some-

thing that you do or do not have. You have it to a certain

extent.

Assertiveness is not an easy-to-handle skill. If you use

too little of it, then you are subassertive and you achieve

little. If you use too much of it, then you are easily

agressive and you also achieve little.

In the first case you risk that others take over from you

because you are subassertive. In the second case you

Assertiveness is the degree of self-confidence and

strength in your dealing with your environment.

It is something you have to a certain extent and that

you can develop further.

YOUTH THEME

Actually

I mean no …

I say no.

No !!!!!!!!!

ASSERTIVITY

easily collide with resistance and resistance from others

because you yourself are agressive and offensive or

come across.

It is nice that assertiveness gives you the necessary

energy and strength to take the defense of your-

self. Preferably on time. In particular, it can be esta-

blished that whoever waits and, above all, waits, gets it

hard to stand up for himself, or to stand up enough. You

have already made too much space, or you are forced in

an ungrateful role to still save something.

Actually

I mean no …

I say no.

No !!!!!!!!!

A S S E R T I V I T Y

How to promote assertiveness and resilience develop-

ment

Communication assertiveness is an aspect of communi-

cation positioning. It is the degree of self-confidence

and strength with which you conduct a conversation and

move in your interaction with your environment, so that

possible influence or tenacity is the result of what is ex-

pressed and not of the perceived uncertainty and weak-

ness.

Attention can be paid to the belief in yourself, in your

own views and in your skills as a (conversation) partner.

Attention can be given to expressing assertiveness in

what and how something is expressed through both

speaking and body language.

You can pay attention to your own base, the personal

support and the self-contained responsibility for your ex-

pressions.

You can pay attention to how to resist or prevent pres-

sure from the other person.

You can also pay attention to how to create space for a

vulnerable attitude of yourself within a safe and trustful

relationship or environment.

Communication assertiveness is characterized by:

I know how to express my views, attitudes, feelings and

desires.

I clearly say what I think is important, desirable or neces-

sary for me.

I can easily make clear what I expect from the other per-

son.

I easily express my opinion in such a way that it is taken

into consideration.

I consider it my responsibility to express my feelings, my

experience, my needs and desires.

It's okay to ask what you want without feeling guilty and

without experiencing it as if the other person will judge

you.

In conversation, be attentive to his own (and possibly dif-

ferent) vision, opinion, preference or desire to have, to

recognize, to admit and to accept.

Let go of the idea not to have to listen to yourself what

your feelings, thoughts and needs are, because you can

not take them into account anyway and it only produces

disappointment and inner conflict.

Not from the idea of not having to listen to yourself, let-

ting others decide what to feel, think and want.

I dare to say and ask what I want.

To be able to convert my feeling and desire into an ex-

pression (yes, no, not yet, this non-, if not, will, will-not-

,-that-way, under-that-condition,. ..- feel).

I know how to express myself originally in a direct and

spontaneous way, not saved or restrained.

I feel comfortable with my personal experience, which I

believe to be right, so that I can express it in an open,

non-offensive way.

I know how to speak to the other person for myself and

for my expectations without contact-restraint.

In conversation, I know to ask for attention and to ask for

an 'account-with-'.

What you have to say, you express with conviction.

I dare to ask attention for myself and talk about myself

in conversation.

Connect and maintain in conversation with yourself and

with the other person.

Do not show too much restraint in conversation about

yourself and your feelings.

To talk to the other person with a positive and good

sense of self.

Consider whether you want to make your own views,

feelings, needs, plans or expectations dependent on or

subordinate to the other person, or want to come into

your own right with the other person.

For the satisfaction of your needs, make you lesser de-

pendent on the other person, by getting to know them

better in (conversation) interaction and choosing to

stand up for it yourself.

Getting to know yourself better and the reality around

you, to come to an optimal choice for you with more

(self)confidence.

I can speak enough in the 'I' form.

I know to (re)act in a timely, specific and focused way, to

prevent resistance and to use less power.

You know to express your appreciation or annoyance

about the other person.

Show your appealing or appealing-restraint attitude and

feelings towards the other person.

Do not let yourself be bothered or disturbed in conver-

sation by self-summoned and maintained physical

(unrest, sweating, ...), psychic (self-doubt, fear, ...) and

social tensions (acceptance, inferiority, ...), by not fixa-

ting you, not to seek confirmation, not to declare taboo

for yourself and not to want to suppress it.

You follow your own feelings, ideas, thoughts, me-

mories, desires and actions with your attention and use

those that help you achieve something.

The way you talk and interact with yourself, what you

think of yourself and what you feel for yourself, radiate

outwards.

So approaching yourself positively and treating you that

it reflects on the other person.

In conversation experience yourself and the other per-

son as very special, personal and unusual.

In conversation, assume that it is not only what you give

to the other person or get from the other person (for at-

tention) that makes you valuable.

Letting go of the unbalanced idea that you only mean so-

mething to the extent that you make the other(s) happy.

Not saying the opposite of what I mean from self-doubt

or to be accepted or positive.

In wanting to give attention to yourself, not being stuck

in non-helping ways of expression, but chosing for more

effective expressions: (from being kind is always

agreeing, to indicating how to what extent something

can be; from being helpful as forgetting yourself to how

you want to help; from expressing criticism as what is

negative, to what you would like differently; ...).

Do not choose negative thoughts that generate negative

feelings (fear, insecurity, anger, ...), resulting in weak or

collapsing behavior.

Leave a feeling or a characteristic in yourself or enable

another that can be helpful or offer protection.

I do not compare myself in a negative way with the other

person (more, better, faster, ...).

From the eyes of the other person I do not negatively

compare myself with the other person (less, worse, slo-

wer, ...).

To find a sense of security in yourself.

I stand on my own, which means for me a sufficient de-

gree of independence, individuality, support, respect,

appreciation and future objective.

Feeling responsible for yourself.

Motivate yourself to organize your life yourself.

To assign yourself a place in the relation to the other(s)

(equal, partner, friend, ... fascinating, appealing, inte-

resting, ...).

Not being so concerned with the negative reaction of the

other or with the other that you dare not to say what you

think, feel and want.

Check whether you are inconvenienced by an excess of

fear (to lose) or a lack of courage (win).

In conversation I give attention not to let me too easy,

too much or too often do, influence or convince myself.

Doing attempts to persuade the other person and not

give up in advance or too quickly.

Making connection with neglected or hidden parts of

yourself and bring them out.

Leaving behind inaccurate ideas about yourself that you

have spoken to yourself as an apology to avoid un-

pleasant and difficult situations.

Leaving behind inaccurate ideas about yourself that

others gave you to stimulate you or reduce your re-

silience.

Creating a mental space for yourself and your actions

(knowing, being able, daring, allowing, willing, being,

... something and not having to know, being able, daring,

allowing, willing, being, ...everything).

Not imagining or experiencing too much distance bet-

ween yourself and the other person in order to be able

to clarify in conversation, convince the other person, not

surrender yourself too much and be able to maintain the

desired safe distance, and give yourself a valid chance to

at least to come to self-expression, a certain understan-

ding or a rapprochement.

If I have changed my mind, I can tell the other person.

What you know, want, feel, can and do letting follow the

same step.

I dedicate my expressive expression to what I want to

achieve with it.

Not expressing your compliance, indulgence, docility,

submissiveness, passiveness (subassertivity) in advance.

Knowing your own domain and helping the other person

to recognize it.

Finding to know your own domain and letting the other

accept it and take it into account.

I discuss the other person's expectations with me in a

sharply way.

I focus my willingness towards the other person in con-

versation.

I clearly and expressively indicate my limits to the other

person.

I expressively indicate the way in which I wish the others

deal with me.

I can resist the other in a conversation.

If the other person asks me something, I know, if I wish,

to ask for an explanation to determine my answer.

Choose for yourself what you want to bring to the fore-

ground and what you want to bring to the background in

yourself and in your (conversation) interaction.

Take into account that you do not be more against your-

self (know, can, may, dare, do not want) than against the

other person.

Rather than running after yourself with consistently

disappointing ratings, prefer to lead the way with posi-

tive expectations.

I know how to take the initiative to express myself rather

than to adopt a passive or wait-and-see attitude.

Allow yourself space to enjoy the (conversation) situa-

tion and to think how and what you can contribute to a

pleasant interaction.

I ask the other person what he/she likes to talk about or

do and in what way, I then choose something that I also

like and put the other vividly and concretely for what to

do together and ask the other person finally to partici-

pate.

I can express complaints in a conversation and engage in

a confrontation with the other person.

I don't let myself get out of my lead during a conversa-

tion.

I transfer something of myself to the other person.

I do not suggest, but react and react in time.

In a conversation I remain very confident.

As preferable leave it to the other to be emotional (an-

xious, excited, annoyed, bored, angry, ...).

In conversation, I don’t abandon myself or turn against

myself.

Having sufficient self-esteem to always be able to fall

back on yourself in difficult (conversation) cir-

cumstances.

If your perception, experience, thinking, feeling, needs,

imagination, bodyfeeling go in the same direction

(keeping safety, expressing yourself, being aware of

yourself, defending yourself, ...), then this will also be au-

dible, visible and tangible to the other.

With confidence, I occupy my body fully and express my-

self easily and clearly.

With my body expression I confirm and support what I

express with words.

In conversation you are not only occupied with yourself

and how you come across to the other person, but also

have enough attention to focus on the other person and

how it comes to you.

Do not only listen to the other person in conversation

and do not only talk to the other person and listen too

little to yourself and talk too little to yourself.

So preferable you move your own attention and thinking

focus from yourself to your action, or to the action of the

other person, or to the other person without having to

compare.

In a conversation I look at the other person and let my-

self be looked to.

So preferably deliberately and slowly express you au-

dible in order to let your voice give shine on you.

So helpful keep your insecurity, doubt, fear, excitement

inside and come out with self-assured calmness.

By my trustful, crystal-clear expression, I invite the other

person to the same expression.

The way I position myself in space reflects my place that

I know to take in relation to my surroundings.

To experience it positively for you and to find yourself

valuable enough, you bring the other person into

something that spontaneously he did not consider or

choose on its own.

To ask questions should not be tied to who you are and

what your relationship is, but to whom you want to be

and what relationship you want.

I dare to come out with enough power.

In how you make yourself heard, seen or felt there is no

exaggerated expressing of uncertainty, hesitation, weak-

ness, shutting down, hiding, numbness, lack of meaning,

stopping needlessness.

Be careful that a too extreme presentation in one way or

another can reduce the hidden power, quality and indi-

viduality.

I express myself concisely in the matter.

Pretending to say and act where you still have to grow

up to, as with respect for the other person and yourself

expressing something and standing up for something.

In expressing myself and standing up for myself, I prefer

not to keep me from communicating, if the other person

does not want to listen, is hostile to me, criticizes me,

finds me unreasonable or ridiculous, constantly discou-

rages me or interrupts me, gets annoyed or out of ba-

lance.

I clearly indicate the obstacles and interruptions that the

other person brings about during a (conversation) inte-

raction.

I reconfirm my relationship to the other person in a po-

sitive way and then share with which concrete I have

which specific problem.

If I do not want to comment on something in a conver-

sation at the moment, I indicate this.

Showing sufficient self-confidence by daring to express

and formulate remarkable insecurity, doubt, fear, excite-

ment.

What you express does not represent a form of weak-

ness, but a way to become stronger (I know, dare, can,

... not, but I want or would like to know, dare, can ...).

Be aware that fear of saying or doing fades away by say-

ing or doing it.

Before, during or immediately after a conversation I do

not feel nauseous or sick.

I dare to leave my territory in conversation.

Through the content of the communication I can ques-

tion and change my actions without doubting my-

self.

Talking or reacting is not equal to losses for me.

To me, talking or reacting is equal to winning.

I know how to give and receive positive appreciation in

(conversation) interaction.

I do not adjust my message to the reaction I expect from

the other person.

I do not deny or do not simply cancel what I just expres-

sed.

I show that I mean it.

I can go against and with the other person's concerns

and criticisms.

In a conversation I can admit unevenly on the basis of

realities.

In a conversation I do not feel like I'm losing.

If it threatens to conflict, I will not shy away from this.

In a (conversation) interaction I only admit what I will ac-

tually be able to fulfill.

If the other person appeals to me in a way that does not

lie with me, I respond to this.

If I feel attacked or hurt, I can tell the other person.

When I want to convince the other person in a conver-

sation, I put enough power behind what I say.

I don't give up immediately or give in on some resistance.

In a conversation I don’t admit because of pressure.

I don’t give in to the unreasonableness of the other per-

son.

I enter into a (conversation) interaction with a lot of con-

fidence.

Feeling good, safe and dignified in (conversation) con-

tact helps me to come out for myself.

In (conversation) contact I strive for greater self-awa-

reness and self-reliance.

I don't equate standing up with wanting to dominate.

I can set myself open and be vulnerable in a confidential

situation.

I can immediately indicate a refusal of a request in a di-

rect and simple way with a short 'no' initial answer.

I can recognize that my fear of saying no comes mainly

from unjustified catastrophic thoughts and images (hurt

and repulse the other, make myself unsympathetic and

isolate myself, ...).

If I don't want to respond to something or refuse some-

thing, I say 'no' immediately after the other person has

formulated his question or proposal, while I shorten my

acknowledgment or appreciation and gratitude for the

proposal (no, thank you! no, that's great about the pro-

posal!

I can regard my negative reaction as an informative

event in which the position of the other person and his

question and the position of myself and my answer are

clearly clarified (I know that you think or feel this and

that you would like to, I feel and think differently and

can't or won't go into what you want, ...).

If desired, I can motivate a refusal with valid reasons or

as my own choice, without further explanation; I avoid

using weak reasons or excuses that provoke counter-ar-

gumentation and refutation.

I prefer to indicate that I do not want something rather

than that I cannot do something, in order to prevent at-

tempts to convince myself of my ability or the possibility

of it.

I indicate a short no-answer at the behavioral level, star-

ting with 'no, I ...' and the verb used in the question (no,

I am not going; no, I am not buying; ...) and with further

questions. I supplement this with 'because I ...' and the

same verb (because I don't go, ...).

If I don't want to respond to a question or comment from

the other person, I just listen without answering or reac-

ting.

If a refusal can come across as very antisocial or is diffi-

cult within my friendly relationship (not helping, not pay-

ing attention to, not taking into account, not responding

to, not using my possibilities, no effort for, hurtful to, ...)

I press my regret not being able to help in the requested

manner this time. If necessary, I indicate that I want to

help in a different way or make a better proposal that

suits me more and if necessary I ask how the other per-

son thinks I can help differently, and I ask about the con-

crete reason, circumstances, context or background of

his request what I can help for (practical, advice,...) or I

look together who could help and whether there is no

other solution.

If I'm afraid by refusing to hurt the other, I separate my

refusal from the intention to hurt the other (I don't want

to offend you at all, not harm you at all, not ignore you

at all, there's nothing personally, ...; you must not take it

as, do not think that you, ...; I can fully understand you, I

follow you without question, I believe you completely,

...; would you mind, can you accept it (from me), won't

you blame me, ...).

If I am afraid to refuse, I use the description of my per-

sonal situation as an explanation so that the other per-

son does not look for the origin in himself or your rela-

tionship (it does not suit me, it asks too much of me, I

have no experience with it, I'm afraid of it, I'm not going

to start it, I'm not able, I can't do it now, I can't do it, I

see no possibility, I can't combine it, ...) and I show my

willingness should my situation look different (willing if it

suits me, I would if it doesn't ask too much of me, if I

would have experience, if I wouldn't be afraid of it, if I

could , if it was possible for me, I would succeed, I can

combine it, ...).

If I am afraid to refuse to create a negative impression

about myself and to hurt myself, I indicate my attitude

and commitment to the general, the what as a principle

and rule, and I indicate my refusal to the particular, the

how as proposal and exception (normally yes, not now;

otherwise yes, if not; I want to belong, once I have to re-

nounce; ...).

If I am afraid to refuse due to the consequences for my

further relationship (being rejected, loss of the other,

tensions, distance, being less liked, ...) I express my fear

of this, and I indicate hoping this wouldn't happen, while

expressing my relationship desire, I indicate that I will

take the risk anyway and indicate the importance of

speaking out or (re)acting in order to keep my relations-

hip clear and pure.

If I can't respond to something, I give the feeling for the

other person, and the difficulty for me and I give my pro-

posal for the other (what a pity or bad for you, I can't or

don't know now, shall we at another time.. .).

I try to avoid having to refuse something by sensing the

evolution of a situation in time and being ahead of the

other: I tell my willingness, my attitude, my availability,

my reaction, ... in advance, or I will not respond to some-

thing and change the subject if possible, or I will distance

myself from the situation or leave it in time.

If I have to say something bad or negative, I make it clear

right away and help express and process the disappoint-

ment.

How to keep

the balans positive?

Something can go wrong, something can go along, some-

thing can contribute. It can be realized or is already rea-

lized, it can already be learned and acquired. It can offer

firmness. It can form a buffer. It can hold a reserve. It

can offer protection.

Something can disappoint, something can counteract,

something can not bear. It may be absent or not yet

okay, it can not yet be learned and acquired. It can in-

volve weakness. It can pose a danger. It can form a

gap. It can involve risk.

You can count on some things. Not on others.

How does the parent tilt the balance favorably?

WHAT LIVES :

MENTALITY

WHAT IS :

REALITY

WHAT HAPPENS :

ACTUALITY

RISK

PROTECTION

The more protection can be offered or found, the more

solidity, reserve and the larger the buffer.

The less risk can be taken or encountered, the less weak-

ness, danger and the smaller the gap.

You do not have much control. It's just like that. You do

have a lot of control. It is how you think and how you

want something. It is how you arrange and organize so-

mething. It is how you do something and deal with so-

mething.

The basic rule can be used here : whatever escapes you,

you can try to take care of what you do have, so that the

balance remains positive. That the risks that are there

remain relatively smaller than the protection you are

looking for and can find.

In this way, sufficient strength, reserve can remain or can

be found and a buffer can be provided.

Especially in times and in situations where there are fe-

wer problems, work can be done to provide more secu-

rity. There is more time and space for this and people

usually are more interested. What is possibly missing,

however, is to grasp the importance and meaning of this.

There is yet no immediate need for it.

Because of the positive spiral in which you end up, there

is more chance and opportunity to develop more

strength, for more growth, for more strength. This can

be expressed in the physical field, mentally and so-

cially. You and your child can have a better physical con-

dition, greater mental well-being and better social inte-

gration in a larger circle.

At times and in situations where things go less well, the

risk increases. There is less time and less space for buil-

ding up and the desire is largely missing. At such a mo-

ment, the necessity and usefulness of more safety is felt

most strongly. There is then most immediate need.

Because of the negative spiral in which you end up, there

is more chance and opportunity for the loss of more po-

wer, for relapse, for more weakness. This can manifest

itself physically, mentally and socially. Yourself and your

child will then easily suffer under a less favorable physi-

cal condition, under a reduced mental well-being and a

more limited social integration and in a smaller circle.

By coming to a situation with a positive spiral for a longer

period of time, a longer time can be avoided with a ne-

gative spiral. The positive spiral avoids ending up in a

tense situation. The absence of a negative spiral allows

for more lasting relaxation.

Within a positive spiral there are experiences of confir-

mation, of self-esteem, of a positive self-image, of self-

confidence that bring greater resilience.

Within a negative spiral, there are experiences of discou-

ragement, a low sense of self-esteem, a negative self-

image, a lack of self-confidence that show a greater vul-

nerability.

The presence of what offers protection reduces the in-

fluence of what constitutes risk. It can also change the

way of a response to what involves risk. The resilience is

greater.

In concrete terms, it is possible to eliminate or reduce

risk, or what constitutes risk to form its protective coun-

terpart, or add some protection and prevent what cons-

titutes protection is transformed into its risky counter-

part.

This way an experienced injustice can be removed, or re-

duced as much as possible, and instead of the injustice,

it is possible to allow as much right as possible, to streng-

then the right and to avoid being slipped to injustice.

Removing or deconstructing an element and inserting

another element in its place and letting it come into its

own strength can act as a lever or catalyst to also reduce

other risks and increase protective measures. This is pos-

sible for someone, this can also be done for each in a re-

lation or a group.

Searching for what offers protection and what entails

risk can occur at the moment when there are difficulties

and problems are experienced.

However, it can also be done on a regular basis to see

what (even) offers protection and what (still) risk. In this

way pro-activity rather than re-activity can work on more

robustness and a larger buffer and more reserve. In this

way, risks are less likely and someone can approach

them better and in a less risky way.

Some practice:

There are two problems. Assignment 1 is located in the

left column. Assignment 2 can be found in the right-hand

column.

WHAT LIVES :

MENTALITY

WHAT IS :

REALITY

WHAT HAPPENS :

ACTUALITY

RISK

PROTECTION

RISK

Place each of the elements below in one of the six provided boxes.

There are three risk elements, also called risk factors.

There are three protective elements, also called protective factors.

We’ll make it right again.

Seeing violence in the environment.

Few alternatives for using violence.

Talk in time.

Hate violence.

You can talk to us.

We can’t stand injustice.

We don’t help you.

I have few options.

We find you too busy.

No aversion of violence.

Violence in environment exceptional.

100

WHAT LIVES :

MENTALITY

WHAT IS :

REALITY

WHAT HAPPENS :

ACTUALITY

WHAT LIVES :

MENTALITY

WHAT HAPPENS :

ACTUALITY

WHAT IS :

REALITY

RISK

PROTECTION

Violence in environment exceptional.

No aversion of violence.

We find you too busy.

We don’t help you.

I have few options.

We can’t stand injustice.

You can talk to us.

We’ll make it right again.

Hate violence.

Few alternatives for using violence.

Talk in time.

Seeing violence in the environment.

101

Pro-active

development guidance

As a parent, you are often inclined to respond to your

child in an encouraging or discouraging way. You want to

encourage certain behaviors, so that your child could use

them easier or more frequent. Or you want to discou-

rage certain behavior, so that they would occur less ea-

sily or less frequently and that they finally no longer oc-

cur at the end.

In a lot of educational work, upbringing is often largely

reduced to this. Rewards and punishments are called

the pedagogical tools par excellence for the parents. Al-

though both can be very useful in education, they both

belong to the reactive type of development guidance.

Parenting is more than rewarding or punishing.

You can also proactively offer something as a parent

to which your child can respond favorably.

102

It is good to know that they are not the only tools for

parents. That there are a whole range of other pedago-

gical approaches in dealing with your child. Approaches

that belong to the proactive type. These tools offer the

advantage that your actions as a parent do not follow

what your child does or says first. So that the chance is

smaller that you have to adjust something. As a parent

you first do or say something, something that the child

responds to. The intention is that through your actions

or expression you create a favorable situation for the

child on which it can respond favorably. A situation that

is also adapted to the child. The chance that you will be

faced with a surprise to which you have to respond in a

decisive way will be reduced. Your input will increase the

chances of your child responding appropriately so that

you can respond to it in an encouraging way. By acting

proactively, you increase the chances of a rewarding and

affirmative re-active act. This is nicely included. This way

your child can react more positively to you and the child

will appear more positively. You too can remain in a po-

sitive role, so that you can also act more favorably. Be-

cause of the positive atmosphere in which you end up,

this can also have a positive effect on your mutual rela-

tionship, so that it also appears more favorable : there

is a better bond and it is more satisfying. Because of your

pro-activity, your child isn’t yet come to reactivity, such

as closing himself of, resistance or struglle, and is still re-

ceptive to your approach. If reactivity is already noti-

ceable in your child, your proactive action can bring the

103

child to more receptivity. In a proactive approach, the

relational comes first and it gets more opportunities, so

that less control is required and there is less controver-

sion.

Here a number of these proactive approaches for you as

a parent are named and briefly visualized. In each case,

typical parental acting is indicated. In each case, situa-

tions are indicated in which the approach is especially

useful. A separate theme part of this encyclopaedia was

devoted to some approaches.

O r i e n t a t i o n c e n t e r e d

Functional approach

Intentional approach

Direct approach

Indirect approach

P e r s o n c e n t e r e d

Childfriendly approach

Listening approach

Parentfriendly approach

Collaborative approach

E x p r e s s i o n c e n t e r e d

Informative approach

Advising approach

Directive approach

Communicative approach

104

I n t e r a c t i o n c e n t e r e d

Behavior interactive approach

Acting approach

Experience-giving approach

Experience-limiting approach

E n v i r o n m e n t c e n t e r e d

Authority-dosed approach

Supporting approach

Situation approach

Structural approach

T o o l c e n t e r e d

Reality approach

Motivational approach

Behavioral approach

Resource approach

C o n t e x t c e n t e r e d

Personal approach

Territorium approach

Referential approach

Contact approach

N e e d c e n t e r e d

Life safety approach

Attachment approach

Behavioral realization approach

Person realization approach

105

F o c u s c e n t e r e d

Optimization approach

Responsive approach

Monitoring approach

Reflective approach

106

O v e r v i e w proactive approaches

O r i e n t a t i o n c e n t e r e d

Functional approach

E x p r e s s i o n c e n t e r e d

P e r s o n c e n t e r e d

Informative approach

Collaborative approach

Parentfriendly approach

Listening approach

Childfriendly approach

Indirect approach

Direct approach

Intentional approach

Advising approach

Directive approach

Communicative approach

107

T o o l c e n t e r e d

E n v i r o n m e n t c e n t e r e d

I n t e r a c t i o n c e n t e r e d

Authority-dosed

approach

Experience-limiting

approach

Experience-giving

approach

Acting approach

Behavior interactive

approach

Resource approach

Behavioral approach

Reality approach

Structural approach

Situation approach

Supporting approach

Motivational approach

108

N e e d c e n t e r e d

C o n t e x t c e n t e r e d

F o c u s c e n t e r e d

Personal approach

Territorium approach

Referential approach

Contact approach

Life safety approach

Attachment approach

Behavioral realization

approach

Person realization

approach

Optimization approach

Responsive approach

Monitoring approach

Reflective approach

109

Limiters

Who or what

stops me ?

As a young person, you can be put for the difficult task

how to stop yourself. It requires a sufficient dyna-

mic. The ability to have a sufficient power that comes

from one or other power source. What can that power

be and who the power source?

You do not always want to stop yourself, but want the

environment to stop you. It is then the environment that

is looking for a sufficient force from a power source that

can stop you or stop you doing something. That power

and power source must then be acceptable to you. This

can be particularly difficult, because you are looking for

something and want to start something that the environ-

ment wants you to stop early with.

As a young person you can stand for the task of slo-

wing down and limiting yourself.

YOUTH THEME

P O W E R S O U R C E

110

But you can not blindly explore. Even then you place

stops or stops can be placed that you know to limit.

To know who and what stops you, you can pay attention

to your own actions lately and see who and what limits

this. Write down below three examples of situations

where boundaries have appeared. Indicate for each who

defined and what made it possible.

situation who as a limiter what as a limiter

What do you perceive ?

Did you put adults and government in front? Do you no-

tice that you slow yourself down or not? Do you think

that adults and authority figures should take care of that

and think about it? Are you going through with

something until adults tell you that you can not and you

have to stop? Do you think you should not think about

something yourself? Is there no room here for your fee-

ling? Have you never learned it? Have you possibly

canceled it because it did not count how you thought

about something and what you felt about it?

111

What did you discover about yourself?

You placed yourself and your thinking in front. Do you

experience that you easily and often slow down? Do

you think that you yourself and how you think about

something should be responsible for that? You do not

just go ahead, but only after you have set the green light

yourself and stop as soon as you have turned the light to

red yourself ? Do you think you should consider for

yourself how you think about something and what you

feel about something? Or have you previously thought

about things based on your developed feeling? So that

you can bring what you do into agreement with that thin-

king and feeling. Have you ever learned it and continue

to grow because it offers you a directional beacon for

what, how and what not to do for you?

Where do you find your friends and the reality?

You put your friends and the reality in front. Do you ex-

perience that you slow down your pace when the reality

and friends as belonging to that reality move you? Do

you think that only the (social) reality can stop you? If

you can not do otherwise and your peers expect it from

you. Do you think you should only look at whether some-

thing can and should not pay so much attention to what

is imposed on you or what you expect from your-

self? Do you need this less? Were you only taught to

pay attention to the actual situation and not to expecta-

tions and opinions?

112

Michiel (16): "I can sometimes have a hard time when

adults tell me what to do and especially what I should not

do. They then have such a sense of what they all know

better, they talk from experience. You, you have not

thought about it yet and you do not know what you're

talking about, I used to think: just tell me, then I do not

have to think about it myself. But today it's a little diffe-

rent. I think myself about what I want and find myself

okay, but they certainly do not encourage me, so they

serve me all as certainties, so I never learn to have my

own opinion. My friends sometimes tell me that I do not

have to think about anything, just do what they expect

P O W E R S O U R C E

REALITY

MYSELF

ADULTS

FRIENDS

AUTHORITY

MY THOUGHTS

Place the power sources in order in which theY limit you. Place what you

most limited in front.

113

from you, so that's the least you suffer, apparently they

are not encouraged to think about anything either."

Sofie (17): "At a party I can keep on dancing until I drop,

there is no one who tells me anything and you want to

join in. I sometimes get stitches and suffer from shortness

of breath. I just try not to pay attention to it. If I dare to

say something about it to my mother, she warns me that

if I am not paying attention I might get serious problems.

Fortunately in my circle of friends there is someone who

gets it also sometimes on her breath. I can talk to her

about this, she is the only one who understands me "

Jenne (15): "If something has to be done, then it must

also of myself, I can sometimes be really principled to-

wards myself, sometimes I pay too much attention to my

diet, but I am like that. I make no exception for myself.

Good is not good enough for me. My mum sometimes

says that I am perfectionist. I sometimes tell her that I

have learned it from her. My friends sometimes try to se-

duce me to something. I just tell them that I do not parti-

cipate in this, even though this is not always easy. Other-

wise I would feel very tense and uncomfortable. Someti-

mes I would want to be a bit milder for myself, but then

those principles will come back to me. I just can not stand

it, it is so and not different, even if I want something

else.”

114

Indicate the most used power source in the oval below.

Then enter in each of the four boxes what the power

source can be to your best to influence and limit you:

. what

. what not

. how

. how not

Put a = sign in front of your statements if this already

happens

Put a + sign in front of your statements if you think that

priority can be given to this.

WHAT :

WHAT NOT :

HOW :

HOW NOT :

POWER

115

Young people have automatically learned to take into ac-

count what adults expect from them. Adults have lear-

ned that young people often can not limit themselves

and adults have to impose structure and limits on

them. They want that young people should do like other

young people and they then impose the same expectati-

ons and norms on all young people. How the reality is,

then counts less. It is the formulated principles and rules

that must be met. A personal feeling and opinion is less

useful in that context, because it is expected to depend

on what adults expect and expect from them.

The more young people then abandon from looking at

reality themselves and what is possible and what is not

and the more young people neglect to feel for themsel-

ves how something is possible and to think whether it is

possible or not, the more adults experience that they

have to use structure and rules. Adults often try to im-

press their principles and norms on young people. The

hope then is that young people will remember them at

the right moment in a concrete situation.

Perhaps, in order to give young people more possibilities

to control and limit their behavior themselves, they

should gradually be taught to perceive situations them-

selves, to feel for themselves, to think for themselves, to

choose for themselves. So they can not only rely on their

memories and the model of peers. It is then not so much

116

something from the outside that limits them, but some-

thing that is driven from within.

Perhaps there is still a whole task here, now that the out-

side world is experiencing loss of authority. Teach young

people how to acquire authority over themselves. Tea-

ching young people to experience for themselves how

their environment experiences their actions, now that

the environment has to reduce the power of its laws and

does not know how to convey their experience expressi-

vely. The assignment is not so much to use rules from

outside to exercise external control, but to convey stan-

dards that young people want to keep themselves in, so

that internal control becomes possible. As an adult you

can then hold up a mirror to them, to what extent they

already meet their own standards. You can thus indicate

their progression and indicate the direction to continue

evolving. As an adult you point out for them at what they

want to keep themselves.

You can further teach young people to make their own

choices, young people who are increasingly guided by

peers through the reduction of authority. The peers to

whom they mirror themselves and who they want to re-

semble, form the norm to be like them, which also opens

up perspective for them and assurance not to be exclu-

ded.

117

In this way, young people can be taught to focus more

on their own needs, on what they are at a certain mo-

ment and not to get carried away by group members or

to limit themselves only when adults know how to im-

pose this. Young people can then learn how to deal with

those needs more from their own thinking and fee-

ling. Without making themselves a victim of compelling

thinking, of threatening feelings or of their needs. Adults

can be a model for this and help young people to find out

for themselves what opportunities they offer and is use-

ful and helpful for them.

Young people can also discover that it is easier to stick to

something if it is agreed together, so that they can think,

choose and decide together what to do or not. This

sense of being listened to and participation can have a

very stimulating effect on how to deal with something.

This way a joint commitment can arise. This from their

own choice who or what they want to follow as a young

person. In their own thinking they are behind that indivi-

dual and joint choice and decision.

Tom (14): "My friends try to drag me with them, I don’t

know a lot about what I want, I pay little attention to it, I

do not have a look at it, I'm more interested in the other

guys, what they want, that's what me too, especially ol-

der young people are attracting to us, we simply follow

them, even though I sometimes feel uncomfortable with

118

them. It's all new and strange. The only thing I fear is

that my parents or a teacher will come after it"

Freya (15): "Sometimes I'm afraid of what I do not know,

I sometimes think it's better not to join in. But then they

just laugh at you, you better not feel anything and do not

think at all, just get involved and wanting not too much

standing out with what you think and you feel, let alone

with what you will. Yet something in me protests, but I

dare not go into it too much, unless others support me.

Maybe I should show something more of myself than I do

not have to do things that I do not feel like."

Lisa (16): "I'm just away from home, making time to en-

joy things, if you're in the mood. No excess, only getting

the hang of it." Together with others if it’s possible. I just

don’t let myself be put under pressure, I do not like that

at all: doing what I feel good about and what I want, is

really in me - I think I have this from home. I do not put

pressure on other people, on the contrary, I find it easy to

resist when someone is put under pressure. Everyone

must be given the space to follow their own opinions, fee-

lings and choices. And not just having to run after

friends."

119

From control cul-

ture to influencing

culture

Parents are increasingly experiencing tensions in their

task as educators. The upbringing they received them-

selves is no longer useful in the contemporary context

and within the contemporary culture of interaction. At

the same time, they experience that their child asks for

an appropriate contribution and a share from their side

as a parent. How to make this happen in the current con-

text is their question.

It can help to clarify this context and at the same time

indicate which behavioral culture fits in and provides re-

sults.

What remains of the context in which I was raised?

In what context do I place the education that I give

my child?

120

Parents intuitively feel that a compelling and demanding

attitude is not the right way, even though an obligatory

response will occasionally prove to be the exception. A

more positive and constructive attitude - away from the

escalation of resistance and flight of the child - should

offer more prospects for cooperation and proximity. If

not, there is a risk of mutually compelling, opposing and

disposing, with the threat of violence and its develop-

ment in the longer term.

If in this way parents do not always immediately get what

they want from their child, it can be established that this

will allow favorable developments in due course.

Through a different way of exercising authority and in-

teraction with their child, chances are offered for deve-

lopment, which are only possible in this context.

Have influence and give influence

Increasingly, society is asking the question how to in-

fluence each other. One finds that the other is less wil-

ling to listen just like that, let alone just go into it or to

take into account what is being proposed or expected.

From that perceived powerlessness is then sought for

means to yet still have influence, or to acquire them

back. Often one seeks refuge in old recipes that are re-

called, in tightening the existing approach, or looking for

alternatives. For example, by engaging others, prefera-

bly others that are hoped to help in some way.

121

It is then assumed that something is lost and that this has

to be recovered. Possibly the other person has taken

over something that you want back. It is then presented

as if only someone can always have it, Initially you are

the other person, and therefore it comes down to regai-

ning its part. The origin of this problem, sometimes out

of despair, is explained to the other person and, as it

were, is expected to be solved by that side. It is then so-

metimes expected that he would give back the influence

of its own will and would encourage group members to

do so.

Influence, however, is not something that exists in a cer-

tain amount, that you can equate with having a say and

that you can win by appropriating it. Influence is some-

thing that expresses itself in quality, that you can equate

with the giving and that you can win by leasing it. One of

the things that can be thought of here is the distinction

between power and leadership.

Create conditions for self-regulation

Each of us has an inexhaustible source of energy, dyna-

mism, aptitude, approachability, growth and creati-

vity. Everyone wants to be big and strong. Nobody wants

a feeling of helplessness, uselessness or futility. To know

how to speak to this source and to stimulate that you

acquire influence. This by giving influence and providing

the necessary support and help so that the acquisition of

122

influence on itself and its environment continues to in-

crease. And not to remove any influence and motivation

already spontaneously present.

Research shows that where influence is given an opening

is created to shared consultation, shared understanding,

shared objectives, shared agreements and shared res-

ponsibility. Often one is even prepared to pledge a part

of his influence from growing trust or present

need. With good contact we come to a good co (n) act

or vice versa. In this way, one ultimately comes to a sha-

red influence.

Influence is not only about the influence of young people

towards adults or vice versa, but also about the influence

of young people towards themselves and influence to-

wards each other or towards the group, or even of the

group towards group members or towards adults. The

more, lateral influence of one person towards another,

the more influence there is, rather than less.

To have development requires something to add. Ad-

ding information, skills, experience, chances, opportuni-

ties, possiblities, power, strength. Something is often ta-

ken away out of uncertainty or fear. So there is no dan-

ger, so everything stays the old, so everything remains

clear, so the relationship remains intact, so you stay

on. For example, it is unfortunately not possible to prac-

tice with what one does not have and has not received.

123

In addition, it turns out that, unfortunately, your fear

comes true: the other person does not get enough in-

fluence over himself and his environment.

124

Working together with

the broad environment

Importance of social network

. Research shows that young people need informative

support, emotionally supported appreciative support

and concrete practical help from meaningful adults who

feel something for them. In particular, the emotional at-

mosphere in which help is provided is perceived by

young people as very valuable. As a person, they are con-

sidered worthwhile. Someone shows genuine interest

and concern for who they are.

. The number of people for whom a young person means

something and who can offer him or her informative

help, emotional help or practical help can be limited or

more extensive.

Do they help the young person who has to know some-

thing about which he is not sure ? Do they help the

Parenting isn’t something you do on your own.

125

young person who needs to talk about his feelings ? Do

they give the things the young person needs or wants, or

do they help him or her ? Do they offer the young per-

son anything on a mental-informative level, socio-emo-

tionally, on a real-practical level ? Do they offer support

in real life or online? What is the ratio of real life versus

online ?

. Also the regularity with which the informative, emotio-

nal and practical help is available, so young people want

to use it, and the quality of this help are important to feel

good and feel socially absorbed. Being able to use a so-

cial network can be an important support to be able to

It can be checked whether the youngster can, for ex-

ample, count on his or her mother, father, step- or

plusparent, brother, sister, grandmother, grandfa-

ther, aunt, uncle, cousin, niece, other children, neigh-

bor, neighbor friend, neighbor girlfriend, club friend,

club girlfriend, shopkeeper, cleaning man or lady,

class teacher, teacher, school friend, school girlfriend,

classmate, friend, grilfriend, buddy, partner, leading

person, youth service or organization, service or or-

ganization head, older-person, younger-person,

stranger, companion, confidant, online contacts and

friends, chat opportunities, ...

126

cope with life and everything that the youngster

faces. Tensions and problems can be handled better,

because one can count on others and one has the feeling

not to stand for it alone and one knows people who be-

lieve in him or her. People who love the younger person

and care about him or her. In short, letting the youngster

notice not to stand for it alone and not to stand al-

one. Others are around the younger. Especially the per-

sonal and the small distance are very meaningful

here. They hold more chances than the impersonal and

the greater distance from organized aid.

. On an emotionally supported informative level, a young

person may need help with thinking about something,

when solving a problem or conflict, when talking about

feelings and clarifying them, when sharing pleasant or

unpleasant feelings, when exploring something new,

when trying to tackle something differently or better,

when releasing something, when in doubt and insecure,

when looking for answers, when understanding and ex-

plaining something, when planning and looking ahead,

when to come to perspective and rest.

. On an emotionally substantiated appreciating level, a

young person may need help with getting over some-

thing when he is confronted with problems and possible

failure and loss, when he feels valued, when he or she

needs support and someone who defends him or her, to

say nice things about the younger ones, to be happy for

127

him or her, to show interest, to pay attention, to listen,

to being there for the young person who has a hard time,

when to process something, to be able to share some-

thing with him or her, to be able to trust the youngster,

to what you mean to him or her, to give the feeling of

belonging, to show how the youngster is perceived and

liked by others.

. On a concrete practical level, a young person may, for

example, need help with certain tasks and assignments

for which it has been asked, to take part in the responsi-

bility for something for which the young person himself

or herself is not only able to temporarily take care of so-

mething.

. Especially the opposite that no help is offered, or that

others are against the youngster or offer opposition and

counter-work, can come hard and isolate a youngster.

Others do not care about him or her, so the youngster

can not go to them. The young person is far away from

128

them, they can not accept him or her, they do not lis-

ten. The young person can not talk to them or ask for

advice, he or she can not be open with them or take

them into trust. They laugh at him or her or bother him

or her, they have no attention and no time, they do not

take the youngster into account and exclude him or

her. They do nothing for the younger person and give

him or her a bad feeling, the younger one can not count

on them. As a result, he or she risks missing a number of

development opportunities.

. Especially if a young person discovers not being able to

go to one group, he will take refuge with another

group. The group closest to life in the younger state will

usually give the easiest access. However, it is often the

group that can offer something emotionally, but that is

informally and practically less equipped to offer this

help. It is then a missed opportunity for those other

groups. The cause will then often be not being suffi-

ciently accessible and being experienced to much as an

opponent and a threat. One is too little inclined to res-

pond to the needs of the young person and wants too

much because of the help offered to meet his own needs

or to confirm himself. In the end one does something too

much for himself, the perspective of himself then stands

in the foreground and prevents the perspective of the

youngster.

129

. A young person who finally determines that he can not

go anywhere can feel bad and develop a negative self-

image. There is a risk that someone will actively iso-

late himself or herself in order to avoid feeling rejected

and so will in vain resort to resources and a response, as

a hold and shelter, which must reduce the pain of loss

and what missing and fill a large gap.

. A young person who feels isolated or excluded, also be-

lieves to have less influence and not be able to expect

help and support from people around him or her. From

this helpless feeling there is more and more the call for

powerful means and solutions of groups and principles

from outside. Those who do not feel isolated or exclu-

ded, believe that they have influence and that they can

expect help and support from people around them.

From this hopeful and confident feeling, more reserve is

created as opposed to interference and disruption from

outside.

. We can check and follow up to what extent who offers

what support to the youngster. And so certain help is

lacking and no one in a positive way is at present able to

do so, you can try to arrange this or letting arrange it,

by referral, so that certain persons will give the neces-

sary help that is lacking or inadequate.

. If this help can not be offered in the young person's na-

tural environment, it can be sought or made accessible,

130

by referring, how an organized facility (day center, re-

ception service, ...) can still offer this shelter and sup-

port, or of course the natural environment in the long

term.

. A movement has been active lately, called 'educational

civil society'. It concerns joint activities of citizens around

the young person with a view to raising and growing up.

This from the philosophy that raising and growing up is

not just a matter for parents alone anymore. As citizens,

they share a common responsibility with the parents.

The strength lies in social relations, formal and informal

networks, shared norms, the degree of mutual familia-

rity with each other and the common interest.

. ...

131

Reward and pu-

nishment

About develop-

ment guidance

Parenting as well as guiding the development of a child

is perhaps more difficult today than ever. Many certain-

ties from the past disappear and the future is difficult to

predict.

Moreover, parents and educators have become more

aware of their educational task. They certainly do not

want to make mistakes and perhaps provide better edu-

cation than they themselves had.

Parenting is often equated with rewarding and punis-

hing, in other words encouraging favorable behavior and

discouraging unfavorable behavior among children in

development.

You reward to encourage behavior.

How do you actually do this in practice?

132

As a parent or educator you try through your reaction to

learn a child something by rewarding it or to unlearn so-

mething by punishing it and not the other way around.

You let the child first try something and you react enthu-

siastically so that it would be repeated more often or

more easily.

Or you react disappointed so that the behavior would be

repeated less frequently and less easily and would disap-

pear as quick as possible.

However, it can be taken into account that there are also

many opportunities in a proactive, rather than reactive

act.

Proactive parenting means then, for example, creating

development-friendly situations for your child, talking to

your child in advance, making arrangements, setting a

model for your child, stimulating skills, developing one's

own strength, working in a connecting way, and so on.

You can read more about this in the theme section 'Pro-

active development support' of this encyclopedia.

Parenting by means of rewarding and punishing is there-

fore becoming less and less evident. There are so many

other parenting ways available that are more supportive

and power-oriented.

133

But even if you choose a different parenting relationship,

your reward and punishment will continue to play un-

consciously. You will, for example, be happy with what

you want or prefer from your child. You will not express

happiness for what you do not want or do not prefer.

Perhaps it is better then if you consciously deal with re-

warding and punishing.

However, not every reward method that is effective is

also desirable. The necessary conditions are that it is ac-

companied by respect and recognition of the child in de-

velopment, that it takes place in dialogue with the child,

that the effect is sustainable and that it promotes the in-

dependence and self-direction of the child.

If you want to reward and punish, it is important to build

a good relationship with your child and create a develop-

mentally friendly and child-friendly climate. This begins

in the first years of life by giving the child the opportunity

to attach safely.

If the distance between yourself and the child is too

great, it will be difficult for you to identify with what is

going on with your child and the willingness of your child

to invollow may be slight. Educating is simply a two-way

process. Your contact with your child will also be less

good, so that he or she experiences less safety. This is

especially true with long-term or frequent problems,

tensions and stress, which make it easier to become

134

angry, impatient or at risk of giving up and letting it run

its course. After all, parenting is a two-way process.

The better you can notice the needs and feelings of a

child, the better you can respond to it.

Every child needs well-being and feeling physically well,

safety and security, attention and love, appreciation and

individuality, growth space and a dose of autonomy. It is

important not to forget this when it comes to rewarding

and punishing.

It is useful to know that a child still has to learn just about

everything : getting to know himself or herself and the

immediate and wider world. This requires exercise

chances and stimulation and not in the first place limita-

tion and deceleration.

Now and then the child gets excited or out of control and

is then difficult to reach and approachable. Allowing time

to catch some breath and regain control over itself can

prevent you from reacting excessively. This is also so for

your own excitement. Maybe because you are missing

something and you do not know it anymore.

It is important to be able to work with rewards and to

make the most of the opportunities for this, rather than

waiting until it goes wrong and then having to intervene

in a punishing manner.

135

To pay attention to children when they get along well is

preferable, then intervene limiting when they go wrong.

It may be thought that rewarding is not only material,

such as spending money, a drink or something tasty.

Children often find social reinforcements very pleasant :

an admiring glance, smiling, attention, an encouraging

word and a hug can do wonders.

The reward of a possible joint activity is also very popular

with children.

Do not wait too long with your reward, the faster, the

more influence and then it is clear to the child what is

rewarded.

Do not, however, purchase your child's behavior by offe-

ring a reward in prospect, your child may only do some-

thing on condition that it knows what it will be.

A punishment is essentially something unpleasant. For

example, the absence of a reaction or result can be ex-

perienced as punitive, it is then spoken of ignoring if you

do not respond.

Spanking and even a tap can better belong to the past,

you also set the better tone and you will not let the child

want to do violence. That way you can be sure that you

136

has not given rise to violence. Violence that mainly pro-

vokes resistance and resistance, violates someone's phy-

sical integrity and is not the way to a sustainable solu-

tion.

For example, in countries where spanking or tapping a

child by anyone is legally prohibited, violence among

young people declines markedly. In countries where only

parents are allowed to tap their child as a pedagogical

tick, only aggression is reduced among girls. Recent

large-scale statistical research has also shown that child-

ren who were beaten at the age of 5 showed an increase

in behavioral problems at the age of 6 and also at the age

of 8 compared with children who were never beaten.

Hitting a child was linked to an increase in behavioral

problems. It was not effective and made the behavior of

children worse. This was also evident in families where

parents were otherwise loving and warm in dealing with

their child.

A child responds to hitting with a greater response in

areas of the brain related to self-esteem and confidence,

The greater response is related to signals of threat from

the environment. This increases the chance of develo-

ping anxiety, depression, behavioral problems and other

psychological problems. Spanking appeared to affect

how the brain develops, similar to what happens with

more pronounced forms of violence. Also a tap turned

137

out to have a greater impact than expected on the brain

development of the child.

Pausing the child, denying it something, putting it out of

the situation, having the child rebuild and temporarily

imposing a limitation are perhaps better choices.

Try to process something meaningful in your sentence

and have something done as it should.

Beware of humiliating punishments and remarks, such as

laughing at. They can have far-reaching side effects.

Your child can become anxious and insecure by regular

use and develop a negative self-image. Your child can

then respond anxiously from fear of punishment or from

disapproval.

But the child may also become or be insensitive to pu-

nishment, because it dislikes outcomes that arouse its

aversion or reluctance and predictors of these aversive

outcomes, such as punishment. It then clings to the re-

presentation it prefers or desires. It reacts negatively or

indifferently to punishment or the prospect of punish-

ment, so that it does not learn from it. This according to

a recent Australian study.

138

Tell your child I like you, but I do not like you to do or

don’t do this or that. Your attitude is then positive to-

wards the child and adjusting to the action.

It is better not to assume as usual negative or undesira-

ble behavior on the part of your child. Unfavorable be-

havior that you can counteract and unlearn with reward

if it is not there. Or that you can counter with punish-

ment if this behavior continues. Rather, you can let it re-

volve around a generally positive or desired behavior of

your child as a starting point, which you confirm with re-

warding if it remains present and can punish if it disap-

pears.

Respond in a timely manner and do not just let your act-

ions depend on your child who is disappointing or does

disappointing things.

Do not forget that every situation brings with it an expe-

rience that can be rewarding or punitive in itself. Some-

thing works and the child is happy with it or something

fails and the child is unhappy about it.

Avoid disturbing this naturally disturbed experience

through your intervention. The child is no longer

unhappy by your intervention - if possible unjustly expe-

rienced - or is thereby distracted from his original expe-

rience.

139

Also pay attention to how a child experiences something,

how does a child feel about it.

Keep in mind that an internal stimulator and motivator

from your child is preferable to an external stimulator

and motivator from outside of you as a parent. This way

the child can control itself and is not dependent on its

environment.

If your child finds an activity intrinsically satisfying, such

as with play activity, it is better to omit an extrinsic sti-

mulus. If not, the child threatens to do something only

for the sake of your external reward and the inner stimu-

lation disappears even if your reward is no longer recei-

ved afterwards. This is due to the overjustification effect.

Many educators assume that only they reward and pu-

nish. However, parents can often find that their child re-

wards them when they overlook something and, conver-

sely, punishes them or ignores them when they ask for

something.

Do not let yourself be rewarded for not holding on so-

mething or punishing for your holding on some-

thing. Make this clear immediately. You can, of course,

reward your child for something you can hold.

Parents are sometimes inclined to establish their autho-

rity through reward and punishment. It is good to be

140

aware then that you do this more for yourself than for

your child.

Every child has multiple sides. On the way you deal with

your child depends much which side develops. Especially

young children are still very flexible in their attitude and

actions, in their personality development.

Children do not change and grow suddenly, but step by

step. Every rewarding experience can be a step in a de-

velopment-friendly direction.

Every punishing experience, especially if it happens to

them personally, can lead to a defensive and repulsive

response. You then come out with your child to what you

just wanted to avoid, distant and self-centered.

It is important to be patient with the child, even if it does

not work out completely. Especially to prevent you from

discouraging and discouragingly react to your child that

does not meet your (high) expectations.

You can also pay attention to stay in balance yourself as

much as possible, by taking time and caring for yourself.

If not, there is a risk that you will reach to punishment

more quickly.

Every child wants to become big and strong, just like his

parents to whom it mirrors. By showing yourself how it

141

should be done and giving the child the chance to feel

big and strong and become independent, you can see

the child evolve favorably.

Your child becomes a communicative, interactive, lively

and cheerful person, full of confidence, just as you show

it to your child and radiate.

If you attract and stimulate your child to develop, your

child will attract you and you will have more opportuni-

ties to guide your child in his development.

142

In your reach !

As a young person you often meet situations where you

can do little, at least that is how these situations occur.

You discover that something can be up to you, but that

you can not do anything about it. For example, others do

not understand you, or they constantly misunderstand

you. You did not mean it like that, it's up to the language

you speak, learned at home. It's up to me, to my langu-

age, but I can not help it. It are the others who do not

understand it, or constantly misunderstand it.

You often feel powerless as a young person.

Is this always the case?

YOUTH THEME

143

Or you discover that it is not up to you at all. You can not

do anything about it then. For example, others do not

like someone who is not sporty. Even though I could do

something about it, which is not so certain, it depends

on the preference and interest of the environment. Just

bad luck!

Even though something is not up to you and even though

you can not do anything about it, you can try to perceive

it for yourself as within your sphere of influence. Even

though you are not responsible for the origin, even if you

are not responsible for the consequences, you can ima-

gine it to yourself as if not to undergo it. Not powerless

to face.

The least you can do is protect you from possible conse-

quences. It is better to formulate actively and find out

how you can deal with it, so that some effect becomes

possible.

This way you can search for how to avoid becoming a

victim of something that is not up to you or that you can

not change anything about. Searching for how you can

deal constructively with something that is not up to you

and that can not be changed in itself.

Find out what you can do about the consequences. How

you can avoid the negative consequences and be a victim

through your perception and your dealings.

144

That language of yours, for example, that you received

from home and that nobody really understands. Even if

you can not change it in itself, you can try to avoid the

consequences by dealing with it to others. This way you

could check with others, or in doubtful cases, whether

they have understood you completely. This way you can

immediately correct misunderstandings and avoid that

you would later be confronted with negative consequen-

ces.

That being not sporty of you. You can not really help that

you are not an athlete. Still, you might want to develop

It’s up to me

Can do so-

mething

It’s up to me

Can’t to anything

about

It’s not up to me

Can do something

about

It’s not up to me

Can’t do anything

about

145

some sporting activity. If you can not do this, you can al-

ways talk about sports and you can show some inte-

rest. Or at least do not allow any subdued disgust.

Look for an example of something that is up to you and

that you can not do anything about.

Then find out what you could do to reduce or eliminate

the consequences for you.

Doesn’t it work. For example, imagine that you are afraid

of something that has frightened you before and of

which you will no longer be redeemed. You could tell

your surroundings about your fear, and immediately ask

them to take this into account. Tell them that they could

help you a lot. Because of their understanding or support

you would be very helped and you could do something

about your situation.

Try it yourself.

Look for an example of something that is not up to you

and that you can do something about.

Then find out what you could do to reduce the conse-

quences for you, or make them disappear.

Doesn’t it work. For example, imagine that someone is

constantly making you angry, because he always tries to

146

make you wise something, or sometimes even acts diffe-

rently than agreed. You can then make it clear to him or

her that you do not want to be made wise something, or

do not wish to experience that something is different

than agreed. As soon as you notice something, you can

also remind the other person of what you do not want.

Try it yourself.

Look for an example of something that is not up to you

and that you can not do anything about.

Then find out what you could do to reduce the conse-

quences for you, or make them disappear.

Doesn’t it work. For example, imagine someone hurting

you. He or she makes you clear to no longer feels

something for you. You can have a very difficult time

with this. You can then talk about this with whom you

did this grief, or with someone you can trust. You can

also try to learn from this yourself : that not everyone

loves you and that you learn to live with this, that you

figure out why someone no longer cares about you and

what you can learn from this to avoid or reduce repeti-

tion.

Try it yourself.

147

Often we are inclined in what we do to react to what

happened to us : something scared us, someone made

us angry, or sad. We will respond to this. Something or

someone formed the cause, our response is then the lo-

gical consequence. The encountered cause is the star-

ting point of our actions.

We can also make the starting point of our actions from

a self-intended goal. Our actions then form the means to

achieve our preconceived goal. We then respond to a

self chosen goal. Finding safety, staying calm, knowing

how to deal with loss is then our starting point for our

response.

Through the chosen goals, we experience more in-

fluence and have a grip on the situation and the

course. It revolves around something we want, and not

around something that the environment wants or does

not want for us.

That way we are less vulnerable. In this way we remain

or become more resilient. It does not matter from what

we want to go away, or what we want to avoid, but

where do we want to go or what do we want to

reach. For example, we are looking for resources and

means for what can help us, who or what can support us

to figure out what we have chosen ourselves.

148

This way we can experience ourselves less as victims of

what happened to us, but more as responsible for what

we want. This way we shift the responsibility of the other

to ourselves.

Thus we can move from the limits of permissible, easier,

to switch to the conditions for the desirable.

For example, we do not have to go negative to the other

person to give a 'brake' signal, but we can do something

positive to the other person to give a 'pull' signal.

149

Development of

meaning

Common and additional meanings

Simply put, we could say that in our head we deal with

duplicates of the surrounding realities. Call it copies, alt-

hough this word is not so well chosen. Only one side of

the double refers directly to reality, this is the common

side. For example, consider the term 'younger' that re-

fers to a person of small age. This is the common mea-

ning or reference value of the double.

The other sides of the double refer to what is called in

our heads when we deal with this double, these are the

individual sides. These are the for each of us our own

There is a lot to learn to discover meanings and to

gives meanings for yourself as a child.

Even harder is it to get to know meanings that count

for others.

150

connotations that spring up automatically and are often

different for each of us. Think of associations of 'youn-

ger' with being playful, with being dependent, being

overconfident, and so on. These associations refer to in-

formation that is stored in our heads, often arising from

previous contacts and experiences. They only refer indi-

rectly to surrounding realities.

This means that when communicating alongside the

common side of the double which is easy to communi-

cate, a great deal of time must be spent on the commu-

nication of the individual sides of the double, if one

wants to get exactly the same wavelength. The lack of

this often leads to a different or wrong understan-

ding. Having common experiences can provide a basis

for building up multiple common sides of the doubles

that are used in a communicative way.

Cognitions and cognitive schema’s as linking

Such a meaning can be called a cognition. Because mea-

nings usually occur together, think of common and indi-

vidual meanings, one speaks of a cognitive sche-

ma. Where cognition is a unit of knowledge, a cognitive

schema is a knowledge package. Once the child has mas-

tered the language, cognition is associated with a name

that has often been taken over from the environment. A

concept is linked to a collection of cognitions as soon as

the child's memory and thinking ability allow it.

151

Cognitions and cognitive schemas allow to attribute

meaning to the child in the environment. What the child

perceives activates in the child certain cognitions and

cognitive schemas that allow it to be identified as this or

that as a common meaning. Or what the child perceives

can cause the child to be awakened to that or that which

gives it that individual meaning to something. If the per-

son who meets the child is small in shape, the child will

activate the child or younger schema. If the person who

meets it is smaller than the child, then the schema baby

may be activated, to which he looks somewhat down.

Meanings mean that there are links between something

in the outside world and something in the inner world or

between something in the inner world and something

else in the inner world. For example, the link between

the child in the outside world and the image that the

child has of a child or a younger, or the link between the

image of a child and being weak as a picture.

Semantic memory as a storage medium

It is the semantic memory that stores the defining cha-

racteristics and the characteristic features in the course

of the development of the child. It is also the semantic

memory that makes the defining and characteristic fea-

tures available. The determining factor for identifying

what is happening in the outside world. The typical mar-

king and characterizing of what is going on, this is sur-

152

rounded with feelings, judgments, anticipation or aver-

sion, and so on. The moment the child forms a meaning,

it does this on the basis of stimuli from one or more sen-

ses. It may also be that the child is involved in interaction

with that something from the outside world. Specific

sensory and behavioral experience are then linked to the

encountered reality and stored in the semantic memory

as characteristic.

Researchers from the Universities of Glasgow and Bir-

mingham were able to show that memories become less

vivid and detailed over time, so that ultimately only the

central core is preserved. This blurring of details of our

memory in favor of the essence was amplified with regu-

lar recall of recently stored experiences. Remembering is

seen as a highly reconstructive process and not as an

exact representation, where memories can change every

time they are thought of.

Memories thus appear to be primarily focused on mea-

ningful contents, which is also reflected in brain signals.

That memories change with time and use is a good and

adaptive thing. Memories preserve the information that

is likely to come in handy in similar situations in the fu-

ture. This preference for semantic memory content ap-

pears to be significantly stronger with the passage of

time and with repeated recall. In this way, meaningful

information for later, remains longer.

153

After a few characteristics are met in daily reality, the

whole of stored characteristics is activated in the seman-

tic memory. In this way something is quickly recognized

in reality and a rapid image and subsequent reaction is

possible. What is noticed is seen as a sign of and for (sig-

ning) a certain perception and reaction.

In semantic memory the encountered reality can be sto-

red as an image as a representation of that reality. This

is especially so in children up to about four years. Gradu-

ally, symbols are also formed that represent often more

complex realities. The scarf that symbolizes the connec-

tion with mommy who gave him to me. In the develop-

ment of the language, concepts are available to store

characteristics. Finally, rules are available to link con-

cepts to each other, where one term means a link for

another concept. A child that is small and young.

The development of the language allows the rever-

se : where the child tries to capture reality in images, it

now tries to evoke reality through the meaning of the

language concepts. For example, the semantic develop-

ment of language is seen as a second step in language

development. This after the phonological development

that concerns the making of sounds and the syntactic

development that concerns the making of sentences and

the morphological development that is about the use of

the right word form. This way it comes to understanding

154

what stands for what and thus listening for active use

and thus speaking.

Function of meaning development

Development of meaning can be seen as a system for

classification, organizing and structuring of the environ-

mental reality. The way this happens is very individual

and culturally determined. These are the child's own ex-

periences that are at the basis of the self-formed links. It

is the information obtained from the environment or the

shared experiences that form the basis of the jointly for-

med links. Who the parents are for the child will be very

colored by his personal experiences with his pa-

rents. What his parents are is heared from his environ-

ment and is determined culturally and historically.

A clear trend that is evident here is that the provision of

meaning today is more individually determined then be-

fore. Previously, the child was more likely to abandon his

own experience or let it precede by what the environ-

ment imposed and expected. Not who are my parents

for me from concrete experiences with them or from ex-

periences with needs in contact with them, but what do

my parents want in contact with them as interpretation

that in general can be expected in the society from child-

ren.

In addition to organizing reality, the development of

meaning also leads to that reality. How can the concept

155

allow a better response to and dealing with the environ-

mental reality.

Origin of own meaning development

From phenomenological research we know that the es-

sence of many realities can not be found in the core of

the realities themselves, but in ourselves in dealing with

those realities, in the meaning we give ourselves to these

realities, how much these realities in itself also displays

a certain meaning. For a child, a stack of books can have

the meaning of a sofa, however clearly the meaning of

the books may be to us.

Especially what the child is looking for in a reality and the

contact it has with it, is very decisive for his significance

assignment. So your mobile phone can be a nice toy for

the child. In the evolution of what the child looks for in a

reality and in the changing relationship with it, each time

different meanings are assigned. The strange child of the

neighbors becomes a playmate, later a friend, later the

sweetheart and yes perhaps the chosen life partner.

Development of meaningful constructions

Gradually the child develops besides doubles that refer

to realities outside of itself, also doubles that refer to

constructions in its head about realities. These doubles

also have a side that refers directly to the construction,

next to sides that refer to what is called with the double.

Think of 'young' as referring to the common meaning of

156

small age, in addition to individual associations of 'young'

with being active, with being-in, with new, with attracti-

veness, and so on.

For these abstract doubles even more differences in

meaning arise because the common side can also show

individual differences in nuance. Where, for example,

does young ends. As a parent you only have indirect in-

fluence on this.

Meaning to themselves and to others

Children first develop the ability to recognize meaning

and attribute it to what they meet. In this way they get

to know themselves what something means to them. In

this way they also learn to discover what is important to

them, what they seek and need in their own sense of

meaning. My mommy means everything to me, so I am

still very dependent. My mom goes before everything, I

seek and constantly needs her safety.

From the age of three, children develop the ability to

also discover the meaning that others recognize and at-

tribute to something. Children try to understand other

children and to understand their intentions. Which idea

other children make of something and what other child-

ren are looking for based on their knowledge, desires,

questions and expectations. In other words, the child is

able to attribute meaning to perceived behavior. My

mum takes good care of me, I mean a lot to my mom. My

157

mom constantly urges me to do what she expects, she

wants me to be sweet.

Where four to five-year-olds in the meanings allocation

mainly rely on the concrete situation and the concrete

actions of themselves and others, eight or nine-year-olds

also rely on the knowledge they have acquired about

themselves and others. I cry because I have lost

something or I cry because I am sensitive. He is angry

because he can not participate, he is angry because he is

light-hearted. Gradually these two knowledge contents

mix, these about the concrete situation and reaction and

the one about who someone is. She is excited because

she is not the first to turn and because she always wants

to win from others.

Encouraging the development of meaning

As a parent you can stimulate the development of the

meaning of the child by using images of realities in the

child's world. Images that accentuate certain characte-

ristics of these realities, for example, by simplifying

them. The smaller shape of the child is magnified against

that of an adult. The love of the mother for her child is

over-accentuated with hearts. Picture books and chil-

dren's videos can be helpful.

Regularly talking to, with and in the vicinity of the child

can make the child familiar with language sounds, from

158

your tonality a foundation can be laid for meanings. Re-

search shows that the richer your language use is in the

form of a variety of words and more complex sentence

constructions, the faster the vocabulary development of

the child (Hoff & Naigles, 2002).

It can help to give definitions of what the child meets, by

indicating its characteristics. If the child deals with a ball,

you can draw attention to the round, opposite the angu-

lar of a block. Around you can illustrate with roles, an-

gular with non-movable and sliding. Especially for what

is not immediately perceptible, you can indicate what it

typifies or typifies the child. For example, if the child

weeps you can link to a feeling of grief because it has lost

something.

Especially giving concrete examples of what something

is and what not, what belongs to something and what

does not, how something is and how something does

not, when something is and when it is not, make the

meanings very differentiated and at the same time more

extensive. What is all small, what is all great, for

example. What is not small, what is not great.

As a parent, you can give feedback to the child when it

gives an incorrect meaning to something. Not smaller

but less, no more but bigger.

159

Let the child tell a lot as soon as it can talk, let the child

read a lot as soon as possible. In his talk the meaning of

something becomes sharper and more frequent. In rea-

ding, the child meets meanings that others offer.

A child of two knows about two hundred to three

hundred words and their meaning, a child of three al-

ready nine hundred and a child of five nearly two thou-

sand words and their meaning. Personal use of language

can only stimulate this.

160

Buffers

as protection

What accompanies me as a youngster?

I've been there before I get anywhere. In my thoughts

and in my imagining I have already formed an idea and I

can feel and experience this in a physical way. Do I feel

tense, do I suffer from nerves?

The more often I experienced something, the more de-

tailed the image could be, but at the same time the more

volatile this happening, for the sake of predictability and

routine.

The newer a happening, the deeper and more detailed

this happening for me, even if I notice that it is still vague

or unknown and needs to be assessed and comple-

ted. Much remains in the question form. This ensures

Buffers ensure safety.

They allow us to notice insecurity on time.

How to sensitize children for this?

YES !

NO !

161

more prudence and a slower progress. First (knowing)

to know and feel and then only doing.

Multiple buffers

For example, we notice that several buffers surround us

who ensure safety and avoid too great risks with serious

consequences.

In this way we have the already mentioned mental buf-

fer of estimating and feeling.

Closely connected to this is the signal buffer. Signals that

point in a particular direction can be more direct or indi-

rectly read from what is being said, from what the per-

son shows and from what the person let feel.

Also related is the incoherence buffer. What someone

says, does not correspond with reality or with what so-

meone does.

Towards yourself there is the comfort (zone) buffer. You

notice that the situation or the other person takes you

out of your comfort zone and you don't feel comfortable,

like you feel bad about something, you don't recognize

something or you don't trust something, you risk falling

outside your limits, etc.

In addition, there is the social buffer, the others on which

162

we can count, who accompany us or on which we can

appeal. They provide a large dose of safety and security.

Furthermore, there is the communicative buffer. We can

address, agree, inform, warn, and more.

Not to mention is the behavioral barrier, such as proxi-

mity or distance-winning, respecting habits and rituals,

etc.

Finally, in emergency situations, there is the reference

buffer, such as apparently cooperating; say yes, doing

no; pretend; create a different impression; point to sur-

veillance; point to be met; someone on the way; set con-

ditions; delay; make ‘appointments’; 'promise'; keep tal-

king; gain time; distract; put on the wrong track; believe

in a way out and a happy ending; and so on.

This means that we are not immediately surrendered to

something, but that we often can see or feel something

in advance, that we can invoke the help of others in time

and act in a communicative or behavioral way. These

buffers surround us and make access to something pos-

sible or allow us to prevent access.

What to allow yourself?

For optimal use of these buffers, much will depend on

how you let yourself deal with a situation or event.

163

What you let go before, whether you want to go into so-

mething, go on with it, or want to go on. Whether you

want to go ahead, go along or go together. Whether you

want to check something or start from it. Whether you

want to go to something, or want to stop or go away or

go sideways or backwards. Whether you want to go

ahead or want to let something go down, get out of the

way, let breakdown or get lost. Whether you let go or

insist that something goes well and is possible. Whether

it goes this way before you go out. Or you allow yourself

to let go or get stuck. It will be a matter of determining

for yourself how far you want to go and not just going

through with something.

Give buffers opportunities

Adults can teach young people how to use buffers. They

can explain what to do and can show how to do this. This

offers young people a basis to optimize their own expe-

rience for themselves and their own situation.

Adults often neglect this development or refute the na-

tural and intuitive buffers by substituting their buffers

and acting as a buffer themselves. But what if the adults

are not there or are not available.

Buffers in what you undertake

Where the previous is useful for what the other person

says and does to you and how you respond to this or not

and whether or not you allows this, is the following

164

useful in your own or requested engagement, in what

you undertake and how you already does or does not

act.

With what you yourself do and undertake, on your own

initiative or at the request of someone, you can use an

emotional, rational and behavioral buffer.

Emotional buffer : You can use what and how you feel

about what and how you think and do.

Rational buffer : Or can you use what and how you think

about what and how you feel and do.

Behavioral buffer: Or you can still use what and how you

do from what and how you think and feel.

An example :

Someone wants something from you and asks for your

cooperation, but fears a no-answer if you knew the un-

derlying reason for his request.

You try to empathize with his proposal, but notice that

many questions remain open. Especially the why of his

question remains very unclear. Also why the question is

asked to you remains obscure. Especially the exclusive

and wanting to exclude the others can not be inter-

preted. You do not feel comfortable with your requested

engagement. Also, not wanting to talk openly about the

165

direction the other person wants to go, does not feel

right.

The mental image that remains vague, the feelings that

are unfavorable and that you can not appeal to others

about your commitment should encourage you to talk

more about what the other person wants from you. And

if this does not work, you can try to distance yourself or

actively take action not to go further with the other per-

son.

If you would go to the request of the other person, you

can consider how you would think about yourself and

how you would feel when you gave in to the other person.

Okay in all areas

Finally, you can check whether something is okay in the

three different territories with which you have to do :

Is it something I like or something I want, in the mental

territory ?

Are others in the social territory informed and agree with

what I do ?

Can I call on someone or something in the real territory

if necessary ?

166

Three questions on which three times yes

Before I want to respond to something attractive or to

an invitation, ask yourself beforehand :

. I feel for it and I agree with it ? (mental territory)

. others know where I am and they agree ? (social ter-

ritory)

. can I find help or way out in the

environment and support from others?

(real territory)

For example, if your answer is 'no' to one of the three

questions, express your no, inform others if necessary,

and seek help and support.

167

A practical situation as exercise

YES !

NO !

answer

At home they

think that’s okay.

The others are al-

ready gone.

I love a

party.

Other friends

are going

too.

It’s already

late.

Nobody else is

there.

NO !

YES !

168

Preventing

burnout

as a parent

Burnout as a parent?

Perhaps the topic will somewhat surprise : the occur-

rence of burnout as a parent. Is burnout not associated

with a 'burned-out' in a work situation ? Indeed, but un-

der a work situation can more in general be understood,

a task that has been given or an own assignment that ge-

nerally depletes someone so that he or she goes un-

der. Whether this is a work situation, a learning situation

(burnout at students) or a living situation (burnout at pa-

rents) is rather secondary. It always involves the con-

frontation with a task or assignment - here a parenting

task - that requires too much of a person (bearing load)

so that he no longer perseveres with his available possi-

How as a parent prevent to go under?

Which signals can you notice in time?

How do you respond?

[emotional exhaustation]

[decreasing competence feeling]

[depersonalisation]

169

bilities (capacity). Because the possibilities are ex-

hausted by the continuous, repetitive and prolonged

load, so that it can not be regained again. It is not so

much the balance of carrying capacity and bearing load

that is disturbed, but the balance of giving and building

up. The result is a long-term energy deficit and a perma-

nent feeling of exhaustion. If in time the reconstruction

of forces could be done, then burnout would not oc-

cur. However, a progressive reduction of forces takes

place, which in the long term gives burnout more oppor-

tunities. Reducing this reduction of forces and offering

opportunities to rebuild them is one of the main points

of attention for preventing burnout as a parent.

(Mia - 33 years) I experienced that I was very unhappy

with my child. No matter how much I tried, it did not

want to click between us. It was also difficult: I constantly

made comments about what it did or did not want to do

what I wanted. Sometimes I completely lost my patience

and demanded in vain that it would sit still and be silent. I

just could not have anything from my child at certain ti-

mes. The best moments were when it was away from

home. But even then I was very disappointed that it

would come home again and everything would start

again.

(Diane - 36 years old) I started to experience myself more

and more as an unfriendly, upbringing and hard-working

parent who could no longer handle it and knew it with his

170

child to whom she was less and less attached. Who did

the opposite of what she wanted herself, but who no lon-

ger had a grip on the child, on her own actions and on

herself.

The development of a burnout

Parenting can ask a whole effort of you as a parent. Es-

pecially if it is not easy when dealing with your child, you

may feel that you have a difficult assignment. It is then

easy to create a tense atmosphere that gradually turns

into a tense relationship with your child. This tense at-

mosphere and relationship can then easily create new

tensions and evoke stress both with you as a parent as

with the child. This way you as a parent and child easily

end up in a long-lasting and recurring stress situa-

tion. This requires a lot from the child, but also from the

parent who gradually feels that he can no longer easily

cope with his task as a parent.

As a parent you are inclined to make extra efforts to still

succeed in your parental task. Efforts to which the child

does not always react positively. This can generate a lot

of emotions, such as excitement, disappointment, anger

and fear that make you gradually become very irritable

and easily react emotionally. The feeling then gradually

arises with your little impact-providing commitment that

this can not continue endlessly, especially because the

child's positive response to your extra effort is lacking.

171

... or how emotional exhaustion occurs.

There is a danger that you will gradually question your

parental skills and your parental competence, that you

will gradually lose your self-confidence in this area, be-

cause you are increasingly confronted with not knowing

how to manege it as parent. You do not know how to

deal with the situation of your child and your child self,

so that additional tensions would arise. Especially the

decrease or lack of a clear vision on parenting makes so-

meone more vulnerable.

... or how decreasing competence feeling appears.

An additional danger is that your attitude towards your

child and your task as a parent becomes increasingly ne-

gative and you start to believe less and less in your child

and your task. This way you can gradually slide down to

Recently, Leuven researchers developed a new defi-

nition of burnout, with five core symptoms that can

be seen as characteristics of (emotional) exhaus-

tion. They are physical and psychological exhaus-

tion; cognitive loss of control, such as concentration

and memory problems; emotional loss of control, ex-

pressing itself in pronounced emotional reac-

tions; depressive symptoms, which is similar to de-

pression; and mental distance, expressing itself as a

mental distance from the present assignment.

172

a more cynical view of your child and your stated paren-

tal assignment. It does not yield much or anything with

your child who is disappointing.

... or how depersonalisation occurs.

Emotional exhaustion, a decreasing sense of compe-

tence and depersonalization are generally seen as the

three related core characteristics of burnout.

Risks

It will be clear that a developing burnout does not only

entail a risk for yourself as a parent, but also for your ac-

tions towards your child and for your child.

1. risk to yourself

. general feeling of powerlessness

. permanent feeling of tension and pressure

. doubt of own possibilities as a parent

. much as a burden and difficult to experience

. disinterested and isolated (want to be left

alone, ...)

. not be able to distance, nothing can be relative

or let away

2. risk for your actions to your child

. easily act emotionally charged towards your

child: disappointed, excited, angry, ...

. act impatiently with your child

. slight tolerance towards the child

173

. mood fluctuations and volatility

in your dealings with child

. increased pressure on your child

. lack of energy, interest and sense of

interaction with child

. show escape behavior or neglect behavior

. easily conflictual interaction

. in the background risk of abusing your child

(hitting, heavy punishment, ...)

3. risk for your child

. show your disappointing image of

child (child as a nuisance, ...)

. the development of negative self-image in your

child because of your reactions

. to develop a low self-esteem feeling

because of the lack of confirmation

. in the background risk for emotional neglect

(disinterest, rejection, …)

In summary, there is a risk that your actions will show

signs of overcompensation, giving up or escaping

Consequences of burnout

When the daily stress of being a parent continues,

it can lead to a burnout. This is an intense exhaus-

tion that leads parents to feel detached from their

174

child and become insecure about their parenting

skills. In today's society and cultural context, there

is a lot of pressure on parents. However, it is not

possible to be a perfect parent. Trying to do so can

lead to exhaustion, with the risk of achieving just the

opposite as intended. This according to recent re-

search at the French-speaking University of Leuven.

The research showed that burnout can have serious

consequences for both parent and child. For parents

emotional exhaustion, emotional detachment and

parental feelings of inefficiency. For children, ne-

glect of physical, educational and emotional needs,

confrontation with a parent's thinking to abandon

them and a propensity of their parents to verbal,

physical or psychological abuse.

Parental burnout and parental neglect also showed

a circular relationship: parental burnout led to more

parental neglect, which in turn led to more burnout,

and so on.

The study indicates that parents should know that

self-care is good for themselves and their child and

that when they feel severely exhausted, they should

seek help. Anything that allows parents to recharge

their batteries to prevent exhaustion is therefore

also beneficial for their child. It is best for parents to

avoid putting too much pressure on themselves,

such as expecting too much of themselves and wan-

175

How to prevent burnout

. Identifying signs of evolving bur-

nout in a timely manner, in

yourself, in dealing with child-

ren, in children themselves as a

reaction to your dealings. No-

ticing changes that occur pro-

gressively, such as no longer re-

cognizing themselves at certain

points.

. Perceiving causes in yourself

(loss of control), in your

dealings with child (conflict, dis-

tance, misunderstanding, ...)

and in child (insecurity, uncer-

tainty, ...).

. Reduce causes and, if possible,

eliminate them.

. Add protective factors (partner,

friends, family members, self-

care, ...).

Emma Mansour, psy-

chologist and psycho-

therapist, proposes to

prevent burnout, to pay

attention to yourself.

According to her, a

glass jar with marbles

can be helpful. Every

marble that you add re-

presents a moment or

an action of self-

care. Like, for example,

taking a break or just

moving. Every marble

you take away corres-

ponds to, for example,

skipping a moment of

rest or not moving. Ac-

cording to her, it is then

essential to keep as

many marbles as possi-

ble in the cup and in

this way be reminded in

time of the need for

self-care.

too much expectations of themselves and wanting

to do too much. So exhaustion can be avoided and

also the harmful consequences associated with it.

176

. Reduce risk factors (stressful work situation, deman-

dingness, perfectionism, ...).

. Increase carrying capacity (parent skills, expand used

parenting methods and responses, ...).

. Reduce load (help, share parenting task, ...).

. Call on social network for conversation or to relieve you

practically. For example, participating in parent groups

or chatting online.

. Break through continuity in load (temporary relief, op-

portunity to gain strength, ...).

. Pay attention to available energy: keep reserve, charge

batteries in time, take breaks in time, spread out, di-

vide, ...

. Focusing on and recognizing the positive: focus on

whatworks and is okay, being happy with small succes-

ses and going step by step.

. Don't pursue perfectionism.

Parents who worry and who lack a vision are sometimes

presented as more vulnerable to burnout. However, this

177

is a circular process. The gradually increasing vulnerabi-

lity undermines self-confidence, makes people insecure,

increases worry, and doubts the existing vision.

You can also take into account that what you just want

to avoid (such as not being able to cope, losing control,

getting exhausted, ...) is likely to occur due to your incre-

ased effort.

Apology

It can be a good idea for an experienced increasing fai-

lure in dealing with your child, to :

 not just accusing your child, as if your child is a

big problem. But to recognize that from an evol-

ving burnout everything is presented more nega-

tively, more magnified and less nuanced than it

is, so that no possibilities for rearing are seen and

tried out,

 not just blame yourself, as if you were not able or

willing to raise your child. But to recognize that

from a developing burnout your ways of dealing

with your child are presented as more negative,

problematic and less nuanced, so that no action

possibilities are seen and tried.

Stress and burnout

Every parent experiences sometimes to get out of ba-

lance and out of selfcontrol, yet he quickly regains con-

trol over himself and the situation. This is typical for

178

stress. Many children know these stress reactions from

their parents, without this really giving them problems.

Some parents are constantly experiencing loss of self-

control and can no longer find their balance, so that for

a long time the feeling arises that they no longer have

any control over themselves and the situation. This is ty-

pical for burnout. For children, burnout consequences

can best be avoided, it causes more than transient pro-

blems for them.

Children respond very differently to a parental burnout

Many children have noticed or felt for some time that

the relationship with the parent is becoming increasingly

tense and difficult. They also come under tension, which

can evolve to a more permanent state of tension.

Even though children sometimes do their utmost not to

increase the tension (being good, being quiet, not com-

plaining, keeping a distance, keeping quiet, sensing how

the mood is of parent, being careful in response, not da-

ring to react, ... ), yet the experienced tension causes fee-

lings of tension, such as agitation, irritability, fear, inse-

curity, guilt, disappointment and lethargy. The child can

respond to this with restless behavior, irritable behavior,

with uncertain behavior, with passive behavior and with

physical reactions.

179

These can strengthen the tension and the exhaustion

feeling in the parent. So that a negative spiral starts of

burnout symptoms that feed the behavioral problems of

the child, which in turn increase the burnout symptoms.

180

Out of the center

If we look at a group, we see group members who be-

long more to the center of the group. We also see group

members who belong less to the center. Sometimes we

see group members who are on the edge of the group or

even over the edge. Physically they are still part of the

group, but mentally they have distanced themselves

from it or they were socially excluded. Sometimes se-

veral group members can be in this situation at the same

time. It will be clear that they find each other easily.

The more someone is at the center of the group, the

more someone will be inclined to refer in his or her act-

ions to what lives and guides in the group. The more so-

meone is out of the center, the less someone will be in-

clined to refer to what lives in the group and is direc-

tive. The chance is then great that someone in his doing

What if a child no longer identifies himself with the

family group?

181

will refer to himself or to the subgroup who is also out of

the center.

The reasons why someone is out of the center can be

very diverse. On the one hand, they can relate to the less

favorable attitude of the group towards the group mem-

ber, or they may have to deal with group members

themselves that for some reason do not fit or find con-

nection or want to find with the group, or also they can

have to deal with less favorable experiences with each

other as a result of being incompatible with each other

or not being able or willing to become compatible.

Those who are more in the center have more reasons to

comply with the group. Such a person gets more bene-

fits from the group through his conformation. Those

who are more out of the center have fewer reasons to

comply with the group. Such a person may derive more

benefits from the distance to the center of the group due

to less conformation. It are the advantages of turning

with the group that makes someone move to the center

of the group. Once those benefits are lost, there is a risk

that someone will distance himself more from the

group. In this way one easily ends up in a negative circu-

larity, which progressively pushes someone from the

core.

Primarily, on the one hand, there is a bridge between pa-

rents and children, and on the other hand a bridge bet-

182

ween child and the wider environment, say society. So-

metimes parents end up in a struggle with their child, so

that the child will be more out of the center of the fa-

mily. This can make it particularly difficult for the child to

bridge the family group, so that the child could be in the

center of the family group. Sometimes you may notice

that parents are struggling with society and moving

more from the center of society and their environment.

This can make it particularly difficult to create a bridge

for the child to society, so that the child could be at the

center of the environment and society.

Sometimes parents can determine to their despair that

their child apparently does not respond as they should

expect as a minimum. The child does not conform to the

customs that are customary in the family or are expec-

ted. Apparently the child sails a different course, res-

ponds to something else, something that is strange to

the parents. The child apparently does not refer to the

family group in his expression and reaction. The child ap-

parently refers to himself or another group, with which

it is more related or connected or feels. In dealing with

this, this easily gives rise to stress and conflict situations

that can cause a lot of stress in the child but also in the

parents. On this stress the child can react with excite-

ment and agression because of the collision, but also

with pronounced grief and uncertainty because of the

perceived distance. Parents then clash with this excite-

ment, these outbursts of rage, or this stagnation, this

183

inability and grief. The child does not give itself to the

group that offers insufficient safety, space and recog-

nisability for it. The child prefers the safety and familia-

rity of itself or another group that allows more stability

and less risk. In other words, there is an attachment pro-

blem that expresses itself with the child in an attachment

disorder.

Parents can have a hard time with this situation, which

often also gets a habit and possibly leads to increasingly

serious problems. Parents often also take as standard

that the child refers to what applies in the family. They

can hardly accept that the child is out of the center and

even beyond the boundary of the family group.

Starting from this reality, that their child is self- or alter-

native referential, and if they can accept this reality, this

can lead to steps towards each other, without thre-

atening. Parents need not feel threatened and

misunderstood as a family group, the child does not have

to feel threatened and pressured. This mutual security

can provide a favorable basis for getting closer toge-

ther. You can maintain your own core and space, and

steps can be taken to another core and space without

this risk or loss.

From a dreamed we-feeling, over an actual I-feeling, to

get gradually away from being together next to each

other, in order to arrive at a desired together-with-each-

184

other, with guarantee for sufficient autonomy and main-

taining its own integrity at the same time.

S ometimes parents can distant themselves in some

way or another through less favorable experiences in

contact with society or authorities within society. They

then develop their own culture away from the center of

the society, or they already received that non-cultural

culture from home, a home that did not feel as socially

happy either.

Instead of trust in society, trust came in their own con-

victions and strategies. This own way of dealing with the

environment is often passed on to the child. It is often

about alternative or inverted values and norms that ap-

ply as a way of thinking and behavior. For example,

where a well-thought-out action is considered desirable

in society, an impulsive reaction as habitual behavior is

put in place instead. Where in society taking into ac-

count environmental expectations is preferable, prefe-

rence is given to stubbornly adhering to own momentary

desires. Where in society there are attempts to avoid

confrontation as much as possible, direct confrontation

is chosen. Where in a confrontation - if not to exclude -

the boundary is laid in a word dispute, it is easily threa-

tened with physical confrontation to show its own po-

wer. Where healthy trust prevails in society, a cautious

distrust is assumed.

185

Many of these own references, as a foundation, want to

protect themselves from becoming victims of the envi-

ronment. What is assumed is considered to be of in-

fluence, by acting in this way one experiences effect for

themselves. On the edge of the group, what society is

suggesting is insufficient to work and produce an ef-

fect. By postponing something and striving for effect in

the longer term, as often pushed forward in society, such

a person does not gain opportunities, but experiences

them to lose and to miss out on his chances. What is

indeed possible, if one can no longer count on others.

From the center of the group - family or community

group - there is a risk of ending up in a negative spiral

that moves someone further and further from the center

to or over the edge. The unpleasant contacts with the

group lead to negative reactions or a lack of res-

ponse. Such reactions in turn lead to even more un-

pleasant interactions by the group. Gradually, incom-

prehension, hostility and rejection, or an increased risk,

develop along one or both sides. This misunderstanding,

this hostility and that rejection give reasons for pushing

someone out of the center and withdrawing from the

center. Because of this double action, this process can

proceed quickly and take an extreme form. In this way

each tries to protect himself - the group and who is iso-

lated. Due to this interaction method, the need and ne-

cessity to protect themselves is also becoming increasin-

186

gly apparent. Every agreement, every band, every com-

munity threatens to be lost more and more for a longer

period of time.

All reasons to prevent pushing someone out of the cen-

ter or withdrawing himself. This can be done by preven-

ting negative spiral formation. Specifically, this can be

done by, among other things, recognizing the various re-

ference forms. By avoiding a battle between different re-

ference centers because of the contradiction or the dis-

tance. By bringing together multiple references and see-

ing what the similarities are, what the additions are,

what multiple interests entail and ask for attention and

seek attention. By proposing alternative references with

opportunities to open up to this without having to hold

back a threat. By creating a new reference group for an

increasing part or the whole for the future where every-

one can feel safe. By avoiding that anyone who already

has the tendency to withdraw from the center get fur-

ther away.

Imagine that you are in a weak position in a group.

Imagine that you are all alone in a group.

Imagine you do not notice it.

Imagine that others do not accept you as you are.

Imagine that others are against you.

Imagine that doing your best to belong to the group

makes little difference.

187

Imagine to perceive you do not seem to be and do like

others.

How would you experience this?

How would you feel?

How would you react?

How would you protect yourself?

How would you try to avoid repetition?

What effect could this have on you in time (self-esteem,

self-confidence, isolation, taking initiative, ...)?

How would you act as an educator towards someone

who experiences this?

P erhaps is often too little understood the importance

of belonging to the center of a group. Perhaps too little

is seen the reality that many, individuals or subgroups

are located out of the center. This reality is also often not

accepted. This often causes pressure on those who are

out of the center. Too little is perhaps seen the signifi-

cance of being able to make a contribution and to be

able to continue to strive continuously to let belong as

many individuals and subgroups as possible to the

group. Perhaps it is possible to use this difference not as

an element of exclusion but as a referential for belon-

ging. So you can to a certain extent be yourself and be-

long to the group.

Use the figure above for your child to mark the place in

or out of the center of the family and cohabitation group.

188

Circular

influence

Provoke

A child has a whole register of perceptions, feelings, de-

sires, thoughts, memories, fantasies, body sensations,

expressions and reactions of which some are awakened

under certain circumstances, in certain situations and

contexts, or which the child evokes for himself in func-

tion of what it wants to achieve, maintain or avoid.

As a parent or educator you also have a whole register

of perceptions, feelings, desires, thoughts, memories,

fantasies, body sensations, expressions and reactions,

some of which are awakened under certain cir-

cumstances, in certain situations and contexts, or which

What you say or do

can be a reaction to your child.

Your reaction can then again be the starting point for

the child to which it in turn reacts.

189

you yourself call forth in yourself in function of what you

want to achieve, maintain or avoid.

Mutual influence

When we respond or act as parents or educators, we

may lure a reaction or action with the child in connection

with the activated perceptions, feelings, desires,

thoughts, memories, fantasies, body sensations.

This can be a reaction or action that we choose or

want. However, it can also be the opposite reaction or

action that we do not prefer and just do not want. This

action or reaction of your child can in turn provoke a cer-

tain action or reaction that is not desirable for the child

or the child himself does not want. As a parent or child

you can be aware of this circular process of mutual in-

fluence in the form of provocation or not. A mutual in-

fluence that takes the form of circular triggering pro-

cesses. Parenting is rightly described as a complemen-

tary and circular process, in which both parent and child

are involved and successively active.

. With our impatience, we often try to encourage our

child to start, continue or stop something. The impa-

tience can, however, provoke resistance and possibly

provoke a blockage in the child. Just what we did not

want at all. However, we just wanted the opposite, some

more flexibility and mobility. The resistance and the

blocking and the lack of flexibility and mobility of the

190

child can arouse displeasure and cause even more impa-

tience. Just the opposite of what the child needs and de-

sires. This can then generate more resistance in the

child. Because of their own performance each of them

leads to the opposite of what to choose. The resulting

reaction of each provokes the opposite of what together

and what also each wants for themselves. With impa-

tience and resistance as a result, while each preferred

patience and cooperation.

If this occurs repeatedly, or permanently, or still very

pronounced, then the chances of provoking each other's

behavior increase more, each of which wanted to coun-

teract its own actions. Everyone's reaction increases the

chance of repetition, no longer ceasing or at a pronoun-

ced intensity, as a result of which each still wanted to

adjust the other person. The other person, who, howe-

ver, by your own performance, is less and less activa-

table for what you wanted, but on the contrary streng-

thens flight into what you endeavor to achieve with rigi-

dity and more extreme action.

. If you easily take the lead in avoiding indecision, this

can just provoke indecision, because the other can not

practice making his own choice and because your deci-

sion definitely accentuates the lesser decision as weaker,

what is also perceived as thus by the other. The weak de-

termination of the child then triggers your decision and

191

initiative, which is the larger as the child is more indeci-

vise. By triggering the opposite together the origin of

each other's problem is strengthened and the situation

evolves in a negative and more pronounced sense.

There is a high risk that everyone gradually resigns to the

development- and change-adverse situation and there-

fore requires each other to continue in the unfavorable

reaction.

. As a parent you do not expect any decision and initia-

tive from your child anymore and you endure his indeci-

siveness and passivity. As a child, you do not expect to

be able to make more efforts to be more self-determi-

ned and to take the initiative, and in this way you can

sustain the superiority of the parent. In this way you

keep provoking each other, which prevents everyone

from allowing change and development.

Unfavorable mutual influence

As a parent you run the risk of negatively influencing the

behavior of the child through this mutual provocation

process with your own behavior. You run the risk of hol-

ding each other in a mutually unconverted expression

and behavioral pattern that is re-activated each time by

its own expression and behavioral pattern. An additional

risk is that you permanently reinforce each other in this

pattern. So that you feel at a certain moment that it can

not go on like this. You do not want your child to evolve

192

further in that direction. By possibly feeling that you

have too few expectations and demands on your child

and being too accommodating and too weak, you risk in-

creasing your actions, with a more pronounced un-

wanted behavior of your child, something against which

you just came up.

. Your dominance that provokes dependence on your

child, which in turn triggers your dominance.

. Your talk that triggers the silence of your child, which in

turn triggers your talk.

. Your attack that provokes defense with your child,

which in turn triggers your attack.

. Your control which evokes hiding in your child, which in

turn triggers your control.

. Your criticism that provokes passivity in your child,

which in turn triggers your criticism.

. Your agression that provokes rebellion in your child,

which in turn triggers your agression.

. Your compete that provokes withdrawal from your

child, which in turn triggers rivalry.

. Your doubt that provokes uncertainty in your child,

which in turn triggers your doubt.

. Your superiority that provokes submissiveness in your

child, which in turn triggers your superiority.

. Your know-all that provokes know-nothing with your

child, which in turn triggers know-all with you.

193

. Your compliance and following that provokes doing is

own thing in your child, which in turn triggers your

compliance and following.

. Your constantly limitation of your child that elicits

boundlessness from your child, which in turn triggers

your defining of boundaries.

. Your constantly commanding and adjusting that pro-

vokes carelessness in your child, which in turn triggers

your commands and adjustments.

The toddler's stubbornness, for example, can lead to a

range of dysfunctional responses from the parent inclu-

ding limiting the child's autonomous desires, giving ex-

cessive directions, or disrupting his chances of develo-

ping independent skills to regulate his behavior. This can

lead to even more resistance from the child to maintain

himself. The parent's intent in being overdirective is to

manage and control the child's behavior.

However, when parents know how to deal with this in a

calm, confident way, responding with more autonomy

support and less disruptive and controlling behavior, the

child will come out less powerful and more benevolent.

It experiences a certain space and it experiences gaining

influence. The negative spiral is then reversed.

Research by New York University showed, by way of illu-

stration, that negative parenting in early childhood has

194

consequences for later. Negative parenting was reflec-

ted in negative emotions towards the child and rough

treatment of the child that escalated over time during

conflict. This led to pronounced negative emotions and

violent reactions of the child, which in turn fueled the

hostility of the parent. Negative parenting and not so

much the temperament of the child appeared to pave

the way for hostility and negative emotions in parent and

child during the toddler years, with the worst in every

one coming up. This resulted later in more behavioral

problems at school for the child.

Favorable mutual influence

While these circular triggering processes entail the risk

of both coming out where you do not want to and hol-

ding each other. They on the other hand have the

chance to trigger the positive behavior themselves by

adjusting their own expression and their own actions in

such a way that allows behavioral change at both sides

and that can activate it. It is not always possible to

change your child directly, but by changing your own in-

put you create opportunities to activate change in your

child. Because of the positive reaction that you provokes

with your child, it can in turn activate a further positive

relationship with your child. In this way you elicit a posi-

tive expression and behavior pattern, you keep each

other in this and you create opportunities for another in-

crease.

195

. Your positivity that provokes openness with your child,

which in turn triggers your positivity.

. Your willingness to help that provokes cooperation with

your child, which in turn triggers your willingness.

. Your discretion that provokes confidence in your child,

which in turn triggers your discretion.

. Your respect that provokes respect with your child,

which in turn triggers your respect.

. Your calm that provokes peace with your child, which

in turn triggers your calm.

. Your sense of perspective that deactivates panic in your

child, which in turn triggers your relativity.

. Giving responsibility to your child that activates your

child's responsibility, which in turn triggers your giving

of responsibility.

Where you as a parent do not succeed in direct influen-

cing your child, you can always use the indirect by chan-

ging your own expression and behavior, and thus chan-

ging the expression and behavior of your child.

. For example, if you want your child to become calm and

your insistence does not help, you can always try to set

a calm tone yourself or you can let a difficulty rest for a

while or you can try to avoid escalation and provoke rest

with your child.

196

Parents can sometimes see that, for example, one posi-

tivity is not the other, the first does not result in open-

ness, the other does. It is then important to be positive

in the right way, so that it can activate the openness and

de-activate the closedness. Possibly there was insuffi-

cient attention to de-activate the child's closedness, so

that the activated openness did not in itself receive suf-

ficient chances.

Multiple triggering patterns

What provokes each with the other can be very diffe-

rent. We already indicated that there can be a positive

influence, but also a negative one. It may be that you

hold each other in the opposite pole and that you are

reinforced in this opposition. It may also be that you

maintain an action and reaction, where no one wants

any concessions or changes. This way you both trigger

each other to exhibit a kind of mirror behavior. My di-

sagreement with you provokes an unconfirmed res-

ponse. The opposite is also possible that you can each

respond to each other and you let each respond to each

other. Your noticed confidence provokes me to be con-

fident. Your adult approach lures me an adult reac-

tion. Thus, in addition to a complementary triggering

process, a symmetrical or similar triggering process can

occur. How you approach each other will determine

which interaction process is triggered.

197

With a complementary and a symmetrical lure pattern,

each of you tries to avoid or prevent something that you

are afraid of or have resistance to. Especially your per-

ception of each other and of each other's expected reac-

tion elicits your own expression and actions. Wanting to

move forward with your child in a certain direction can

cause your child to slow down or steer in a different di-

rection. Getting you along as a parent for something the

child wants, can make you as a parent responds indeci-

sive or responds to something else.

With a similar triggering pattern you try to make every

effort to achieve something together or to retain what

you prefer and where you want to go. Your acceptable

approach to your child can cause your child to refrain

from any reproach. Not blaming each other and not

wanting to punish each other, can make you stand toge-

ther on the trail of commitment and to support each

other.

Known by parents ... and child

Parents are sometimes aware of this mutual inducement

process in one way or another. They say to their child

because you do not listen, I have to deny you this privi-

lege. I would like to give you this privilege, this is only

possible if you promise to listen. Children sometimes

also indicate this. I'm angry with you because you forbid

me this. They also immediately indicate how the parent

198

can take away their anger. Something that is not always

obvious to the parent.

Parents also sometimes use this provocation process as

a condition to adjust their child's behavior. I'll listen if

you do not yell. They then make it clear that yelling of

the child does not activate their listening and that it can

not de-activate not listening. Children do this too. I will

do this if you are no longer angry.

In certain cases each can be difficult, to use as a means

to get from each other that he originally or spontane-

ously did not want. In those cases it is best to handle it

carefully. It could lead to something circular by your in-

dulgence to provoke something that you do not want at

all and so to strengthen it. Your child always yells to in-

duce you to listen indirectly, so that it can reward you

with quiet talking. You are always bad tempered to indi-

rectly induce your child to do what you want so that you

can reward it with your calm.

More or less mutual influence

Possibly multiple circular triggering processes are mixed

together. Multiple between the same people. But also

with various other relevant people. For example, as a pa-

rent you may sometimes notice that if you try to reach

change in your child by changing your own expression

and behavior, this does not have the expected re-

sult. Your child may then be stuck in other dependencies

199

with you or with other persons relevant to your child

from his environment. Your child wants to listen because

you also listen to your child, but your reproach to your

child prevents your child from being very open. Or your

child may feel obliged by his bond with his sister to do

very superficially on certain topics. Other elements that

elicit other behavior prevent you from achieving the de-

sired behavioral change in your child through your beha-

vioral change.

Sometimes as a parent you may notice that your own

change does not bring about the desired change in your

child. There is a change in your child, but the content and

the form do not match what you prefer.

. By intervening less constantly, you child become more

autonomous. However, the autonomy that you deter-

mine is not what you prefer. You want your child to be

less helpless, but you did not immediately want your

child to make his own choices.

Sometimes you can also notice that your change has no

influence at all on your child, without the afore men-

tioned inhibiting factors playing. The reaction pattern

that your child showed might have little to do with mu-

tual influence, but had arisen earlier or in a different con-

text. At most, you can try to create a different reaction

pattern through your interaction with the child.

200

. Your child easily uses power words that it may have

picked up outside. No matter how calm you act as a pa-

rent, the child grabs if you limit it to these terms of ex-

pression. As a parent, you can try to get the child to ex-

press his feelings more directly, and to activate this reac-

tion scheme rather than the force word use

schema. Damn it, not back again' as 'If I do not like it then

I feel anger coming'.

Victim-offender mutual influence

With your actions you can easily victimize the other per-

son. Whoever is a victim can then easily feel entitled to

victimize the other in turn, because of the damage and

the shortages you experienced yourself and because of

the absence of recognition. Given the possible circula-

rity, each can victimize the other, making it only worse.

. You have repeatedly asked your child to help. You al-

ways assume that you have everything to do alone. You

also feel little willing to respond to a question from your

child. It does not matter that you would make an effort

for him or her. Only when your child is willing to apolo-

gize and to recognize how it does you wrong will you be

prepared to do something for him or her.

. Your child has already repeatedly indicated that he

finds it very bad to be laughed at whenever he indicates

that he can not do something alone. He still feels little

willing to answer questions from you, partly because of

201

fear of receiving comments again. In his eyes you do not

deserve that he would do something that you could pos-

sibly reproach him for too little independent. Only when

you promise not to laugh at him or her anymore and you

admit that this was unjustified, you can hope for some

compliance.

By having an eye on how to rightly repair injustice and to

undo or limit damage, you may be able to break through

the negative spiral and can generate willingness and

compensation together. This can be enhanced by recog-

nizing everyone's merit and acknowledging each other.

Yourself as standing in the way

As a parent, you can be aware of the fact that you may

be in the way with circular influencing by your own act-

ions, so that you may not be able to activate what you

want with your child.

Your distance to your child who possibly activates the

proximity search of your child, but at the same time en-

sures that more distance can not succeed. Your distance

blocks a possible distance from your child. Conversely, it

also applies that the proximity search of your child is a

stand in the way for more distance as a parent and en-

sures that more distance can not succeed. The proximity

of the child blocks a possible distance from you towards

your child.

202

Your talking that activates the silence of your child, but

at the same time makes sure that more of your child's

talking is not possible. Your talking blocks a possible talk

from your child. Conversely, the silence of your child is a

stand in the way of not talking to you. The silence of your

child blocks a possible silence from you.

Who comes first, what comes later

In mutual influence, you notice that you exert mutual in-

fluence on each other in the negative, so that a negative

and escalating spiral arises, or in the positive, so that a

positive and strengthening spiral can arise.

In this spiral you follow each other and you react to each

other. Your child flees you, so you go after it. It's just the

same for your child. You go after your child, so the child

flees you.

To break this spiral, you can choose not to follow each

other, but take the lead yourself and you can also choose

not to respond to each other, but prefer to choose an

'acting' or initiative. Your behavior starts with yourself,

with something that you choose. My child always runs

away from me, so I always walk behind it. I choose to

walk in front and I do not go after my child to come back.

My child will increasingly be tempted to walk away from

their own experience, to stay and follow more and more.

Your child reacts, you act. Your child follows, you take

the lead. In circular triggering processes, it is therefore

203

important to recognize who can be provoked and reac-

ted and who provokes and acts.

In the past, attention has not always been paid to who in

the first place provokes and who is provoked. Whoever

provokes colors immediately where it comes to turn. For

example, dominance and dependence, such as self-con-

fidence and uncertainty. Who finally set the tone? If it

is the dependency and insecurity of the child, then there

is a great risk of domination and self-confidence of pa-

rents. However, if the parents set the tone by their do-

minance and self-assurance and occupy the correspon-

ding place for the child, they may force their child into

complementary dependency and uncertainty. However,

if they leave room for their child, this can easily result in

a symmetrical dominance and self-confidence in the

child.

Whoever takes the lead or acts has more choice, for him

or her it is more wanted. Who follows or reacts has less

freedom of choice, for him or her it is made more so. For

example, anyone who compels and is not inclined to lis-

ten will possibly have to deal with someone who shows

increasing resistance and resistance even if the latter

does not want it at all. However, his or her response will

promptly provide for justice and instigation of more

coercion with less listening. From the second, his nega-

tive sides can then increasingly be addressed, while it

204

would never have come about in itself or in another con-

text. But this is provoked by the initial stubborn compul-

sion of the former.

Those who can’t do something will ask for help from

those who can do something. The help offered can make

that something is never learned. The weaknesses are

maintained by the strengths of the other. The weakest

takes the lead and makes the strongest respond.

Determining who takes dominant initiative for the na-

ture of the circularity can also immediately explain why

undergoing violence or abuse of the child can not be

seen as provocative, but its the parent, and the child

does not have a share in this event.

Whereas in the first place everyone's reaction was a con-

sequence of what preceded as a cause, everyone's

action can therefore become a means for what is aimed

at as a goal. In this case, both can also take the lead and

responsibility together for what you want together. This

prevents both of them from falling victim to what both

do not want together.

Unfavorable unwanted (schema) activations

Someone lures it out or obliges you to activate a certain

schema that is undesirable for yourself. A schema as a

way to record, observe and respond. In a relationship

this often happens mutual and escalating towards each

205

other. To an increasing degree, the intensity or the num-

ber of schemes for recording, perception and reaction

are often unconsciously increased.

For example, in a parent-child relationship, a child goes

into attack and tries to dominate, so that the parent

wants to defend himself and tries to restore the balance

of power in order to protect himself and keep the whole

thing going. This may provoke more attack and domi-

nance in the child. The parent may try to distance or re-

fuse to respond to reduce the impact and destructive-

ness, potentially allowing the child to try to hold and

claim the parent more. Through the child, schemas, such

as sides and parts, are activated in the parent in such a

way that the parent himself does not wish at all and

spontaneously never would. The parent, however, must

follow the schema dance started by the child and stepped

up. It does this to keep it livable and working and not to

make it worse. Both will easily have the impression that

the other person started and is the basis of the com-

pulsory schema dance.

Another example, a child easily disposes of everything.

This obliges the parent to follow and keep everything in

order. Because the parent takes over and keeps an eye

on everything, the child makes it even easier, after all can

be counted on the parent. Two processes may occur here:

the child is incapable of independence or not yet capable

of doing so, and the activated schemes with the parent

206

do not promote autonomy in any way and may prevent

it. If serious problems are to be prevented and to remain

fully functional, the parent will have to keep the schemas

that have been provoked at his own will.

Possibly a combination of dominance and dependence

occurs. This is, for example, when a child demands that

the parent does everything. This creates a very difficult

situation for the parent. The parents will have to defend

themselves if they do not want to go down completely,

at the same time they will have to take great care. If it is

possible to defend itself by not automatically taking on

everything, the child may be unwilling to notice this,

which may lead to more demands and expectations to-

wards the parent. The parent has to activate his defense

and give continuous caring, which he does not really

want at all. Sometimes this is reinforced if the child de-

velops hostile feelings in response to what it thinks it is

experiencing. As a parent you will unwittingly end up in

the hostile camp from an activated divide : companion

or opponent, friend or foe. The child then tries to isolate

the parent by choosing party for others against the pa-

rent.

If this hostility adds to the foregoing, an even more com-

plex and contradictory situation arises: as an unwanted

opponent (due to hostility) the parent must then defend

himself (as a result of perceived dominance) in a situa-

tion of care (as a result of experienced self-reliance). .

207

The crazy thing is that just being the opponent as a pa-

rent who defends himself but still gives care, provokes,

strengthens and holds dominance, dependence and hos-

tility in the child. Just all are ways that unfavorably af-

fect the child and its development.

208

Indicate the circular influence that applies to you and in-

dicate which one you want:

dominance

to talk

attack

check

criticism

aggression

competition

doubt

superiority

know-all

compliant

limit

command

impatience

less

triggers

dependency

keep silent

defense

hide

passivity

rebellion

withdrawal

uncertainty

submissive

know-nothing

to follow

boundlessness

inconsiderate

to block

209

decisiveness

initiative

to watch

do nothing more

keep distance

run after

positivity

helping

discretion

respect

tranquility

relativity

give responsibility

...

indecisive

passivity

do not dare

not participating

approaching

do your own thing

openness

collaboration

trust

respect

peace

panic

feel responsible

...

210

Claim behavior,

demanding a lot of

attention

- "Mom, mom ! Look !'

- "Dad, may I?"

- "Mommy, what is this?

- "Daddy, come and help!"

- "Mom, mom, mom, is this right?"

- "Dad, do I get a piece too?"

- "Mom, I can not join."

- "Daddy, she teases me."

- "Mom, when are we going to grandmother?"

- "Mum, Dad, I'm hungry."

Every parent thinks it's okay to be there for his child.

Every parent thinks it's okay that his child calls on him or

her. Every parent thinks it's okay to give the child suffi-

cient attention.

Every child needs attention.

How to deal with it ?

211

This is no problem for parents. The problem arises when

you, as a parent, have to be too much for your child, if it

appeals too much to you, demands too much attention.

This too much is very subjective. As a parent you can

quickly find something too much. Or, at times yourself,

may already be heavily burdened, and so find something

easier too much.

For an important part, the feeling of asking a lot of atten-

tion has to do with yourself as a parent and not with your

child in the first place. It feels as not pleasant for you, it

overloads you.

As soon as you feel overwhelmed, you will see if you can

not slow this down and how you could actually do this.

You will see if you can slow this down without neglecting

the needs of the child.

You want to know exactly which needs of the child are

the basis of his attention questions and claims. And

whether these are justified.

You also want to know which reaction, go into or against

your child and helps your child the most. In the long

term, help your child to get ahead by going into it, or help

your child by going against it or by not responding to it.

212

You can always take this into account in your response:

1. What does it mean for your child in the short term

now;

2. What does it mean for your child in the long term

later?

You can also always consider yourself in your response:

1. What means the situation of asking attention for you

now, can you handle it?

2. What means the situation of asking attention for you

in the long term, can you always respond in this way.

Make sure you take sufficient notice what your child

learns from your reaction of what it can repeat in the

future.

Responding to what your child says or asks in a positive

way increases the chance or frequency of repetition of

your child's asking for attention. If you respond negati-

vely or not, you reduce the chance or frequency of repe-

tition of your child's attention claims.

This way you contribute to the habitual formation of

more or fewer attention claims.

Do not react at first and eventually when your child con-

tinues to whine or makes trouble or threatens to make

213

fur, well, you risk to learn your child that it has to

persevere or must insist to get a desired response from

you.

If you first react positively and afterwards no longer or

negatively, then you risk that your child will repeatedly

look for attention with short interruptions because it

tries to get what he can now get before you change your

mind.

If you are changing in your reaction, then your child's at-

tention will easily be drawn to this. His sense of it makes

sense or it does not, works lesser then. By following up

and thinking about the situation, he wants to find out

what he can or can not expect.

He will then easily match his attention-seeking behavior

to what he expects. What he expects will also depend

on what you expect. If you would like your child to claim

your attention, this can also be picked up by the child.

Your child who is also responsible for the atmosphere

and comfort of daily life.

Today, a child takes an important place in the social

event for his parents. A lot often comes to turn around

the child. The child receives a lot of attention at the ta-

ble. Parents talk with the child and what the child does

is often followed with attention.

214

Children can feel which place they occupy and what

is expected of them. They often enjoy the attention they

receive and the role they play in company.

What they say and do is often given full attention. There

is also very often positive talk about the child. This hap-

pens in terms of how it surprises its parents and what

effort they are willing to make to ensure the child's well-

being.

The child does not easily get the feeling that when he

reacts positive to this, it would be disruptive for his envi-

ronment.

Because of lots of attention that parents give to the

child, they are also a model for lots of attention that a

child gives to the parents. As a child you can easily talk

with your parents because the parents talk a lot to you.

By giving a lot of attention as a parent, you indirectly pass

on the message that the child isn't standing alone, that

he can always turn to someone and that independence

is not something you expect immediately.

The child can deal with this implicit imaging that you

provide. And if he has a question or if he encounters a

difficulty, he immediately can turn to the environment

for an answer or for help.

215

Because you want to be there as a parent for your child,

you do not easily say no. This means that your child will

also easily claim you because you usually go to your child

and agree.

You do not want to come over as the forbidding parent

who is strict and does not allow anything. Or that autho-

ritarian conducts the child. You prefer to listen to your

child and you want to respond to him and if possible

agree.

So you can count on the love of your child, you hope, and

do not have to deal with his hatred. Love that now tran-

slates into joy with you and hatred that can be avoided

by not arousing the anger of your child here and now.

By being somewhat or very insecure as a parent about

being loved by your child, you can also easily arouse

some uncertainty in your child. For example, whether

it is still loved by you as a child. Your child can then ask

for attention by repeatedly asking for confirmation.

The child wants to know if everything is still in order, and

whether what is there now also has your approval.

As a parent you can notice that at certain moments and

times the claiming behavior of the child is stronger and

more frequent.

216

There may be differences that, in addition to the influ-

ence of the upbringing as described here, go back to the

temperament of the child. So one child requires more

attention or is more demanding than the other child.

If the attention-seeking and claiming behavior is tempo-

rary, it may be related to the development phase in

which the child is present. For example, the one and a

half year old child can want to manifest and seek confir-

mation for him. Likewise, the child may want to distance

himself more from adolescence and want to stand up

more and try to enforce this position if necessar.

If the size of the nuclear family is small, such as a child

alone, and if the social network is limited, because there

is little contact and interaction with the environment,

then the pressure of the child mainly comes to the few

members of the family and the small network. So the

child comes very quickly over as a lot and very questi-

oning person.

The restrictive attitude from the small immediate en-

vironment is then hardly compensated by a broader en-

vironment that allows more room for maneuver. The

restraining attitude then very quickly triggers a rebuttal

in the child who is characterized by fighting indepen-

dency. With the awakened attitude not to stop until this

is achieved.

217

If you come too quickly as a parent to comfort or reas-

sure the child, the child also expects your intervention.

He will then make little effort to do so himself if it ends

up in that situation.

As a parent, you can best pay attention to your child and

respond when the child starts to settle down or reassure

himself. Wait until the child is calmer than before and

reassures himself before you react. Knowing how to

posphone satisfaction and calm and comfort oneself are

important skills that reduce attention demands.

If you constantly go against your child because it does

something that you do not want, the child can gradually

become accustomed to this negative attention from

you. At your limitation, at your judgment, to your re-

mark, to your reproach.

The child may unwittingly provoke the same reaction

from you at other times. This is because at those times

it feels like something is missing so often, namely your

comments and your reaction.

By expressing your displeasure at what your child says

and does, there is a chance that your dissatisfaction also

arouses displeasure in your child. You are then on a ne-

gative track. You want to slow down your child by ex-

pressing your displeasure, and your child is trying to do

218

the same thing to you. Namely slow you down in your

displeasure by annoying you.

The result, however, is easily a mutually increasing and

escalating displeasure. What is activated in you acti-

vates something similar in your child. As if you turn on

each other. With your emotional expression you infect

your child unwillingly.

A child who gets a lot of attention can keep this attention

going, out of fear that an end would come on it.

He wants to know if he can still count on your attention,

and constantly tries to assure himself by demanding

your attention and seeing if nothing has changed yet.

In the past, the child may have gained the experience

that he did not receive attention and was left to himself.

He does not want to experience it again. Hence a cons-

tant check to see if he can count on your attention.

As a parent you do not like the claiming behavior of your

child. You actually want to go against this and take your

child the lead or his over-share. The child easily feels

that you are not favorable to his claiming behavior.

For that reason, it is possible through his constant atten-

tion seeking to ascertain himself whether he still has the

say and you have not taken it over from him or her.

219

Similarly, the birth of a brother or a sister can mean that

he looses a part of the attention of his parents.

The child can then become insecure about his or her

position and by looking for attention seeking trying to

know where it stands. It may possibly have to try to cut

back or undo attention parts.

By providing the child with clarity and certainty that it

will be able to receive sufficient attention, it can be pre-

vented that the child has to found out or has to try to

reduce the shared attention.

Often, claiming will become worse at the time the child

fears being confronted with loss. He wants to get some-

thing or does not want to do something and notices that

this will not work out. By putting more strength, he still

hopes to achieve its right or advantage.

As a parent you can try to inform your child in time

about what is going to happen, so that it can take this

into account and can already adjust to it or get used to

it. You can then appeal to your child to go into this and

you can then make appointments. "You can be strong!"

"How great you are that you can it alone !' "If you listen,

you may tomorrow." And so on.

It may be possible that you have adjusted your child or

banned something, that your child's attention seeking

220

mean so much as an attempt to undo this or to discou-

rage you from repeating this again.

His nagging attention seeking is the price you have to

pay if you deny something or ask for something.

It may not be about attention seeking, but rather about

giving attention. It may possible not be about unlear-

ning you something. On the contrary, attention seeking

may have to do with an attempt to abandon your expec-

tation.

You can be deduced by the attention you get. The

kindness of your child, wants to do away your reaction

or your requirement. If I am so kind to you, you can not

refuse me anything.

A child tends to use a more extreme way when as a pa-

rent you do not want something or just want something.

As a parent, you can make clear what you accept or re-

ject of how a child respond or react. What you want to

pay attention to and to what not, without what you

agree. "If you calm down, I want to listen, without auto-

matically agreeing." "If you stop cursing, we can take a

look at what makes it so difficult for you." "I notice that

you're having a hard time, maybe it can help if we try to

figure out which feelings are going on in you."

221

Afterwards or in advance if your child is calm and re-

laxed, you can raise a difficulty and make clear what is

possible and what is not possible, what you expect in this

context and what you do not want.

Because your child is more relaxed and not immediately

confronted with the difficulty, there will be less resis-

tance and it will be easier to develop willingness and mo-

tivation to accept your proposal.

As a parent, you can not always immediately enforce be-

havioral change. Usually this happens step by step,

over a certain amount of time. Small changes are usually

more acceptable for your child.

By setting up your own step-by-step approach and reac-

ting differently, you can progressively take small steps in

the more desired direction. A power struggle often ac-

companied by escalation on both sides can thus be

avoided.

As a parent you can make sure that you are not the only

one who can give attention to your child, but that other

adults and also other children can do this for your child.

If a child has a playmate or has another child to talk to,

giving attention and responding to your child is more di-

vided.

222

At certain times in certain situations they can give pre-

ference to others than yourself. This can make you

temporarily relieved.

Some children are busier, they are more sensitive to sti-

muli from their environment and respond faster and

more, sometimes quite impulsively.

Other children need more stimuli and a need to be ac-

tive.

As a parent you can take this into account, that this be-

longs to their nature and has little to do with unwilling-

ness and being not susceptible.

As a parent you can pay attention that not everything

has to go through you. If others are available or if the

child can already do something independently, you can

make it clear to your child how he can do without you.

In this way you run less risk of being overloaded. Instead

of focusing his attention on you, the child will focus his

attention on the situation and on who else can possibly

help.

As a parent you can pay attention to circular proces-

ses : the more you give attention and help, the more the

child may need attention and help. The more your child

223

needs attention and help, the more inclined you will be

to respond to this.

By dosing your attention a bit more, the child can get

used to less attention. Because he can be more in him-

self, you can dose the attention you give yourself.

Give your child an alternative for his attention seeking

to you. What could he do instead of your input.

Could he, for example, just try or do it? Would some-

one else have time to explain or help ? And who then?

Make sure that this alternative is valuable and feasible.

As a parent, you can provide sufficient time for pre-

ventive attention in the context of 'quality time' toge-

ther. Here you can pay attention to each child indivi-

dually, but you can also set yourself up so that you pay

attention to the group of children, so that each one ex-

periences it as if addressed.

Indicate your own needs as a parent. Make it clear to

your child that as you also give some attention to his

needs, you also want room for your needs. "Our mum

has no time now." "Dad, takes a break."

224

Also indicate the needs of others as just as legitimate

as your child's. "There must be something for every-

one." 'Everybody has to have their turn, later on it will

be your turn again.'

Consider your own experiences as a child. Did you get

a lot of attention, or just very little. Do you want to offer

your child the same, or do you want to make it possible

for your child what you missed? Do you respond from

yourself or from what your child needs?

What can I What can I What can I

do more ? do less? do it differently?

225

I walk behind,

I walk ahead.

What can coaching

do for me ?

As a young person, being with peers is an important

thing for you. It is also quite a challenge at the same

time. As a youngster you can be more at the front of the

peloton of peers and it costs you less effort. As a young

person, you may also feel that you are more in the

back. This can be very stressful. Especially because more

and more support centers are disappearing. Confirma-

tion and valuations are then easily missing. Sympathetic

expressions or jealous glances of peers can not be no-

ticed. Instead, comes worried looks or impatience from

alarmed adults.

As a young person, much is still a dream to realize.

With discovering how to make this happen, via

which roads and with the help of what and who, you

can help yourself.

YOUTH THEME

226

The risk then is that you tend to flee or crawl away, or

that you get stuck and do not progress or want to stop,

that you do not want to face your future and possibly dis-

tance yourself, and you do something unrealistic that

has no opportunities. Or that you do not get any more

opportunities, and no one can find anyone who still be-

lieves in you and wants to invest in you.

There is a risk that you will easily merge everything, so

that little movement is possible. And there is gradually a

negative image forming, on both sides: because they no

longer believe in you, you do not believe in yourself any-

more and no longer in them.

However, it can be a good idea to look at what you are

in, or even in advance, and what you are not in or even

in reverse with. And for which someone will still give cre-

dit for you, or you still want to offer the other credit.

Through this more nuanced and focused approach, at-

tention and work points can be recognized. Can gaps be

established for which bridges can be sought and thus

overcome barriers. Can strong points be found that can

be further developed, or that can be used. At the same

time, you can try to recognize existing opportunities and

learn to use them better and you can identify and avoid

pitfalls and stumbling blocks.

227

Especially as a young person, it is always important to

take a next step in your development. Starting from

where you are, entering the zone of proximal develop-

ment, reaching for something on a level one step higher

than you are on. Without being pressurized or putting

yourself under pressure. Without coming into great ten-

sion by having to or want to skip a step.

To make this optimally possible, longer-term follow-up is

desirable. Young people can be taught to take part in this

follow-up and to draw up and fill in their own life plan,

or young people can be taught to call on others where

necessary. Others who are willing and (perhaps better)

able to see the strengths and weaknesses of a young per-

son, not to judge them, but to find ways to acquire

skills. And especially in order to develop further what the

young person is good at. To this end, the young person

helps to discern and utilize existing opportunities, and to

help create desirable opportunities for this in the envi-

ronment.

For you as a young person much is still virtual and reali-

zable. It is worth discovering how to make this realistic,

by means of which roads and how to take care of this

yourself if possible and to follow this up.

If you are unable to do this yourself as a young person,

the use of a supervisor or coach who can offer a follow-

up in the longer term can contribute to this in a favorable

228

way. This coach can be found as a young person in your

environment. One or both parents may be able to in-

clude this. But also others, professionals may be invol-

ved here as a learning path counselor. Without, howe-

ver, posing a threat or exerting pressure, but to see op-

portunities that are there and to make optimal use of

them, so that you can better come to your right in your

environment and come more to yourself.

As a young person, you are very willing to train a lot and

practice for your future later. You want thoroughly pre-

pare yourself to succeed in reality and then to be suffi-

ciently armed and to have gained sufficient expe-

rience. Question may not be so much how you as a

young person motivate you to do this, but to examine

how you as a young person may have lost this motiva-

tion.

By taking the step yourself and indicating how a confi-

dential counselor can help you, a patronizing and forced

intervention can be avoided. As a young person you

want to be able to choose and take steps, or at least ex-

plore and learn. This does not alter the fact that an adult

could be helpful and would support you, so that your

self-initiative and autonomy are sufficiently res-

pected. An adult where you can feel safe and you feel

that it really is all about you. It helps you to see yourself

and your surroundings better and to speak to and to pick

sides in you and to help you take consecutive steps.

229

Do you think with me about my strengths:

Do you think with me about my weaknesses:

Do you think with me about the opportunities that are

there for me:

Do you think with me about the risks that are there for

me:

Do you think with me about successive objectives for me:

Do you think with me about successive steps for me:

Do you think with me about resources for me:

230

Cognitions

in parenting

Successively, for you as a parent cognitions about your

child are discussed that determine your reaction, first for

yourself as a parent, then for your parner. Subsequently,

your child forms cognitions about yourself and your part-

ner as a parent who will determine his reaction. These

cognitions form mental representations of the reality.

Behavior is then determined by these mental repre-

sentations or perceptions of the reality.

First a practical example is given each time, then this is

Cognitions - as what you make of something - deter-

mine your reaction as a parent.

This is also the case for the child - what makes it of

what you say and do - determines his reaction.

231

explained theoretically. The parenting situation for the

practical examples is always the same elaborate eating

situation, both for you and your partner as parent, and

for your child.

In this way you learn about what cognitions are as a men-

tal unit and how you can use them when raising your

child. In this way you also gain insight into the place of

cognition in the behavioral cycle or course as a unit of

parent-child interaction.

1. Practice

YOU AS A PARENT

This is happening

Iris constantly walks away from the table during the

meal.

We do not respond directly to what occurs.

For us, these are the original behavioral conditions.

What is and happens are behavioral conditions.

This is what you do (as perception behavior)

You try to find out what is going on by watching and lis-

tening.

We first try to know how we interpret what is occurring.

We respond to behavioral conditions with input or input

behavior.

What you do is your behavior.

232

This is what you make of it

Iris is as busy as ever for you. She is a busy child.

We want to know with what recognizable what occurs.

Our recording behavior activates appropriate cognitions

for imaging.

What you make of it are behavioral processes.

This is what you do (as reaction behavior)

You ask Iris to be more calm and to stay at the table.

We do not respond to what happens, but to the cogni-

tion of it with accompanying feelings and beliefs.

Our cognitions direct the executive or output behavior

for reaction formation.

This is happening

Iris wobbles back and forth on her chair in her attempt

to remain seated.

Our response causes changed behavioral conditions.

YOUR PARTNER AS A PARENT

This is happening

Iris constantly walks away from the table during the

meal.

This is what your partner does (as perception behavior)

Your partner wonders if she will start again.

This is what your partner makes of it

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Iris can not listen to your partner as usual. She is

headstrong.

This is what your partner does (as reaction behavior)

Your partner says she should not have a dessert if she

can not listen.

This is happening

Iris is crying on her chair. She did her best and did not

understand the consequences.

BEHAVIOR PROCESSES

BEHAVIORAL CONDITIONS

BEHAVIOR

schemas

reality

perception

behavior

doing

reaction

behavior

BEHAVIORAL CYCLE

this is what you make of it

this is what you do

this is happening

234

2. Theory

In our example, we notice Iris wobbling quietly and Iris

wailing aloud after she left the table earlier: THE BEHA-

VIOR CONDITIONS

The difference between wobbling and weeping is for-

med by seeing Iris as busy or seeing Iris as headstrong. As

a parent or educator you can usually not directly change

the child and his behavior. You can change the image

you form of the child and his behavior: THE BEHAVIOR

PROCESSES

By activating another cognition about the child and what

it does, you can activate another reaction yourself. This

reaction (encouraging or punishing) is controlled by your

cognition (busy or self-centered). This reaction gives the

child the opportunity to respond differently: THE BEHA-

VIOR

A cognition is what you know, as you know it. In other

words, it is very personal.

Cognitions are stored in the form of cognitive schemes,

as ready-to-use knowledge and doing packages.

Cognitive schemes contain not only an informative

knowledge. They also contain a feeling and a view. They

also indicate direction and interaction.

The creation of an appropriate cognitive schema is based

on triggers that are present in the behavioral condi-

235

tions. These observed data from the behavioral condi-

tions ensure that the most appropriate cognitive schema

in you is activated.

For you this was the being busy of the child, based on the

many distractions.

For your partner it was not listening, based on his pre-

vious comments.

Being busy involves very different feelings, a different

opinion and a different reaction than non-listening.

You can also create a cognitive schema yourself based

on what you know or found out.

For example, it may be useful to know that the child is,

for example, of nature busy. It does not mean not to lis-

ten, but easily gives too little attention.

3. Practice

YOUR CHILD

This is happening

You ask to be calm and to stay at the table in a quiet way.

A child does not respond directly to what you say or do.

For the child, these are the original behavioral condi-

tions.

This is what your child does (as perception behavior)

The child tries to find out what is expected.

A child first tries to find out the meaning and the pur-

pose.

The child responds to further information about beha-

vioral circumstances.

236

This is what your child makes of it

If something is said quietly, it allows attention and arou-

ses this willingness.

Something is awakened in the child.

This information matches the child with an existing co-

gnition.

This is what your child does (as reaction behavior)

The child tries to remain seated and to slow down.

On the basis of what is awakened in the child, is respon-

ded.

The activated cognition conducts its response.

This is happening

As a parent, you show satisfaction.

The child does not react to what is said, but to what this

awakens in the child.

His reaction works out for you and forms the changed

behavioral condition.

YOUR CHILD AND YOUR PARTNER

This is happening

You ask yourself in a busy way, incredibly, whether

change is possible.

This is what your child does (as perception behavior)

The child wonders what you mean by this and why you

say something like that.

237

This is what your child makes of it

The child's insecurity is awakened as well as his feeling

of inability.

This is what your child does (as reaction behavior)

From his excited inability the child gives up and bursts

into tears.

This is happening

As a parent you show disappointment with this repeti-

tion of unwillingness.

4. Theory

What you say or do as a parent or educator (your ques-

tion or judgment) can make the behavioral condition for

the child, sometimes more than the situation for which

it is placed (stay in place): THE BEHAVIOR CONDITIONS

Experiencing yourself as being addressed or failing is the

cognition to which the child responds, rather of what

you say or do directly.The child generates this cognition

based on what you say or do: THE BEHAVIOR PROCESSES

By allowing the child to activate another cognition, it can

react differently, also emotionally. This reaction (exer-

ting or giving up) is driven by its cognition (prepared or

powerless). This reaction gives you as a parent or educa-

tor the opportunity to react differently: THE BEHAVIOR

238

If you follow the successive steps in the behavioral cycle,

you can expect more and more concrete which will be

the next step. If you look back at how the successive

steps went, you can become aware and make it transpa-

rent for yourself as a parent or educator, or for the child

what made what followed successively.

Here cognitions were introduced as a concept. In the

following section cognitive schemes are discussed.

239

A COGNITION = SMALLEST KNOWLEDGE UNIT

= SOMETHING I KNOW -> information

LIKE I KNOW IT (ON MY MANNER)

-> feelings + thoughts

for example : cognition CHILD (vulnerable, cute, dependent)

COGNITIVE SCHEMA

= KNOWLEDGE PACKAGE

= COLLECTION OF ASSOCIATED COGNITIONS

(OR UNITS OF KNOWLEDGE)

for example : knowledge package CHILD

a child is young

is in development

is not independent

is playful

is distractible

is influencable

is part of a communion

is part of the future

SCHEMAS = KNOWLEDGE STRUCTURE

OR KNOWLEDGE NETWORK

= MAKES IT POSSIBLE TO ORGANIZE

AND INTERPRET INFORMATION

Helps to cope in a fast way with lots of information from

the environment.

They are and function as shortcuts.

They make use of part-whole relations : parts refers to the

whole, and vice-versa a whole refers to its parts.

for example : young and playful refers to CHILD

CHILD refers to young and playful

240

A basis for all this can be found in the perceptual cycle

model of Neisser, founder of cognitive psychology. It also

distinguishes between reality (object with its available

information, the schema (with its stored information)

and movement and action (with its exploration). Reality

modifies the schema, the schema directs movement and

action (directs) and this allows us to experience reality

concretely (samples).

241

He described it here for perception as both perceptual

and reactive behavior (see inner zone graphic represen-

tation). The model depicts how cognition influences per-

ceptual exploration, but is in turn modified by real-world

experience, creating a cycle of cognition, attention, per-

ception, and the real world in which each influences

each other.

However, as can be seen graphically, the model can be

extended and applied to any behavior in which percep-

tion and response are integrated (see out-of-zone

graphical representation).

The model was recently amended by Plant and Stanton

for use in an artificial intelligence context.

Neisser, U. (1976). Cognition and reality: Principles and

implications of cognitive psychology. San Francisco: W.H.

Freeman.

242

Cognitive schemas

and parenting

1. Development of cognitive schemas that are very

meaningful

Parents do not think about how their child develops cog-

nitive schemas based on their existing aptitude, their up-

bringing and their own experience, which are very mea-

ningful for how it perceives something and for how it re-

acts to something and deals with something. Parents do

not think about how much their child has to fill cognitive

schemas to know and understand what things in their

environment look like and how they can react emotio-

nally and judiciously and can deal with them behavi-

orally. Parents do not think about how children use

The development of the child is accompanied by the

development of cognitive schemas.

In the upbringing, the child can be helped with the

construction and filling of cognitive schemas.

243

these cognitive schemas constantly to know and esti-

mate things and to determine how to react emotionally

and judgmentally themselves and to interact with them

in a behavioral way. Parents do not realize how impor-

tant it is for their child to be able to read each other or a

situation. To learn which knowledge schemes to activate

with whom or in which situation. Like with whom can I

feel safe, when is a situation unsafe. Can I read if some-

one or a situation comes across as safe or unsafe? What

am I supposed to understand about what someone says

or does? What meaning should I give to a situation. But

also being able to read what has been activated in the

other person or has been activated in a situation. Pa-

rents do not think about how their child can be disabled

so certain cognitive schemas are lacking or little deve-

loped, or distorted, inappropriate or unusable, or very

dominant or rigidly present.

Recent research at Northwestern University shows that

a three-month-old child can already distinguish what is

equal from what is different. Something crucial for the

development of cognitive schemas. If first paired things

shown are the same, it will continue to look longer when

it is suddenly shown something unequal. Or vice versa, if

the succession of unequal being followed by what is

equal, it will continue to look on for longer. In other

words, even before the development of the understan-

ding of language, the relationship can be recognized as

244

equal and unequal and thus the child can make a distinc-

tion between what belongs or goes together and what

does not.

Parents can indirectly understand the meaning of these

cognitive schemas for their child when they notice how

very curious and active their child can be to get to know

everything, not only in what it is, but also in what it

means to the child and how it can be handled. Parents

can indirectly see the meaning of these schemas when

they determine how unrealistic their child may be and

against any reality or healthy judgment in do things that

in this situation here and now and at this age are not at

all suitable or useful for their child.

Parents often do not notice how much they are doing to

fill the content of their child's cognitive schemas. How

they do that by being a model in what is right for them,

in what something means to them emotionally and ra-

tionally and in what their association means. How they

do that in their reaction to what is right for their child, in

what something means to their child emotionally and ra-

tionally and in what it means for their child. How they do

this in informing and instructing their child about what

something could or should be for him, what something

could or should mean for him and what the child's way

of being could or should be.

245

According to research from Northwestern University, for

babies who learn their first words, the way in which so-

mething is mentioned determines the method of coding,

representation and memory. The designation can repre-

sent a category, for example a dog, or it can indicate so-

mething unique, such as this is Max. If the same name is

consistently used for a series of observation objects,

then mainly common characteristics, for example, pet

and bark, are stored, rather than what distinguishes the

observation objects. When a unique name is used, the

unique characteristics are stored, for example, scar and

collar with dog's name. Naming a series of different indi-

vidual objects with the same noun invites babies to form

object categories based on what is in common, without

regard to differences. It invites the child to focus on what

is similar and less on what is unique about an object of

observation.

When the same name is consistently applied to a range

of objects, babies mainly encode their common charac-

teristics. In contrast, when a unique name is given to

each observation object, babies encode the unique cha-

racteristics of each object. The method of encoding ob-

jects of observation in memory and retrieving them later

is fundamental to human cognition and arises in child-

hood.

The manner of naming objects, even if only once, can

have a lasting impact on how babies encode an object,

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remember it, and reproduce it from memory. Thus, na-

ming a series of different individual observation objects

with the same noun invites babies to form an object ca-

tegory.

2. The what of cognitive schemas

What are cognitive schemas then? They form the way

in which the environmental reality is stored in our

minds. Both reality as we know them, as reality as we

sense and estimate them, as our dealings with the

known, sensed and perceived reality. These knowledge

components are stored in knowledge packages that we

have about the most diverse realities. These knowledge

packages form the cognitive or inner schemas.

The learning of categories as knowledge packages, such

as colors, shapes and objects, happens initially pre-ver-

bal with the infant without words. This pre-verbal visual

category knowledge is then used to discover word mea-

nings, such as names for colors, shapes and objects. This

was recently found by researchers at Birkbeck University

of London and Central European University. Differences

between young children in the development of visual ca-

tegory learning help to understand the difference in

speed of language acquisition. For example, difficult ca-

tegory learning in children with autism can help explain

the slower vocabulary development.

247

The cognitive schemes are constantly supplemented and

modified on the basis of information obtained and of ac-

quired experience.These cognitive schemes are con-

stantly used to know, to feel, to estimate and to deal

with just about everything that we have to deal with.You

could say that about half of our behavior is at the service

of cognitive schema building and the other half for cog-

nitive schema use.Cognitive schemes form the best pos-

sible representation of the realities for us based on what

we record. From the multitude of realities we try to de-

duce a somewhat stable concept of understanding that

this variety clearly carries within itself, without being

confused by it. To this end, cognitive schemes will make

use of either the named realities themselves in simpli-

city, but also their symbolized representations by indi-

rectness, to regularities and rules at great complexity.

An example, a child wants to know exactly who his pa-

rents are. Thus it will try to deduce from the multitude of

behaviors of the parents how they are. In the cognitive

scheme of your child, you will thus find whether you are

sweet or impatient, or there is regularity in it, usually

sweet, exceptionally impatient. The child may also stop

rules in his schema : what is my mommy or daddy, what

is my mum or daddy not, how is mommy or daddy, how

is mommy or daddy not ? If you are like that, you are the

sweet mum or dad, if you are different, you are the im-

patient mommy or daddy for your child.

248

Cognitive schemas also provide the best possible res-

ponse and interaction with the proposed realities based

on information and experience. From the multitude of

possible reactions we try to derive a somewhat stable

behavioral fulfillment that implies the best possible reac-

tion intuitively and judiciously for ourselves and involves

the best possible interaction with the environment.

An example, a child will react emotionally and judgmen-

tally in a completely different way to the sweet mother

or dad and will deal with it very differently than with the

impatient mom or dad. The child is happy and relaxed

when it meets his preference. It is inclined to cooperate

and respond to what the parents expect. A child who is

confronted with the activated cognitive schema of the

impatient mum or dad will be rather angry and tensed at

his aversion. It will be more inclined to counteract and, in

this way, not want to show off the parental expectations,

unless the parents switch to their dear way of being and

allow him to activate an appropriate cognitive schema.

Cognitive schemas form so implicit syntheses that are

continuously used to know and deal with encountered

realities : the conceptualization or concept filling as the

best possible representation, the behavioral filling as the

best possible emotional and judgmental reaction for

oneself and the best possible interactive interac-

tion. Realities are constantly compared with already

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developed cognitive schemas and thus known and reco-

gnized. At the same time these schemes are constantly

being supplemented or adjusted. From the cognitive

schemas reality is then approached, so that someone

can react emotionally and rationally and can deal with it.

These reactions are also supplemented and adjusted on

the basis of experiences.

For example, a child will easily recognize familiar adults

on the basis of the comparison and found agreement

with his already developed facial schemas. The activated

schemes can be supplemented and adjusted so that small

changes can occur. My mother, that is brown hair, but

also red hair. My dad, that is without, but also with pier-

cing. For example, a child will respond differently in the

presence of unfamiliar adults and come to other inter-

actions. The child may be scared and inconvenienced, it

keeps distance. After all, the new adults do not fit into an

already developed cognitive facial schema, but fit into

the cognitive scheme stranger that is activated with res-

tlessness and distance as a result.

3. Building cognitive schemas

Children and also we needs cognitive schemas very

much to deal with the surrounding realities with more

precision and more ease. To this end, it is necessary for

the child to build up and fill in his cognitive schemes,

both in terms of what, the concept filling, the way in

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which, the behavior filling and the where and when, the

context filling.

For example, babies discover very early that mouth and

food goes together and hard objects, such as glasses or

smartphone goes with the senses, such as eyes and ears.

Thus a movement or action forms the basis for the beha-

vioral concept and the evolving schema behavioral filling.

This was ascertained because the child continues to look

longer when, unexpected, food was not brought to the

mouth and glasses were brought to the ear or the

smartphone to the eyes.

Completion of the concept arises on the basis of noticed

patterns. Behavioral infill is created on the basis of disco-

vered rules. Context completion finally goes back to es-

tablished regularities. These progressively observed pat-

terns, rules and regularities together form developing

schemes.

For example, from the adult visual cortex is known to

contain two regions that work together to process per-

ceived faces and two more regions that work together to

process places. Research at Emory University now found

that already in infants, the two areas of the visual cortex

associated with facial processing, and the two networks

associated with sites, fired synchronously. These infant

patterns were similar to those in adults, although not as

strongly. The visual and site networks of the brain were

251

connected within a few days of birth and talked to each

other. This finding suggests that there is room for these

networks from an early age to tune in better and better.

Babies' brains seem wired for specialized tasks such as

seeing faces and seeing places so that specific patterns

of brain activity are possible. The baby brain then essen-

tially waits for the relevant information for its progres-

sive processing. This may explain why a baby's gaze is fo-

cused on faces right from birth.

Another example, recent research by the University of

Washington shows that toddlers from 17 months are

able to recognize social dominance (what). They know

where to see who in a group is dominant (where and

when) and know how to commit to receiving more re-

wards (how).

In the development of a knowledge scheme as

knowledge structure, it can be established that first

mainly declarative knowledge is developed (the concept

interpretation: what something is and what to do), then

especially the procedural knowledge (the interpretation

of behaviour: how something is and how to do some-

thing) and finally especially conditional or conditional

knowledge (the context interpretation: where and when

something is and where and when something is to be

done). When a child, for example, becomes acquainted

with a game, he successively discovers what is there,

how something happens and where and when. At the

252

same time, it successively discovers what it should do,

how in what way, where and when as the best choice or

option. You could say that each time the form and con-

tent of the knowledge already present is converted into

a different form and content. The what is then converted

into the how and then into the where and when.

The child spontaneously puts a lot of effort into building

cognitive schemas: his outspoken curiosity, being conti-

nuously involved in a playful exploration, asking questi-

ons and asking why. These are ways of realizing this con-

ceptual and behavioral filling of cognitive schemas that

is necessary for the child.

Recent research from Ohio University shows that child-

ren four to five years old would rather explore than re-

ceive rewards. They explore a major driving force during

early childhood, of more importance than immediate re-

wards. They seem motivated in the first place by the in-

formation obtained from research. It helps them make

the world work.

It's not just running around aimlessly, opening drawers

and cupboards, and picking up random objects, as adults

easily think. Their exploration and investigation are not

random at all, but are done systematically to make sure

not to miss anything. The seemingly unpredictable beha-

vior of children at this age strongly resembles an urge to

store information.

253

Children apparently go through a stage where systema-

tic exploration is one of their primary goals rather than

being motivated by rewards.

The child also is using his developing sense of probability

in building cognitive schemas. The presence of a sense

of probability is necessary for the development of cogni-

tive schemes. Recent research at the Max Planck Insti-

tute shows that six month old babies are already able to

make generalizations based on limited information. The

brain does this by using probable information to direct

its own actions based on established regularities in the

environment. The brain records which situations and

events are more likely to occur than others and are the-

refore more likely. This may concern their coherence or

their succession. This is to estimate their occurrence to-

gether or sequentially.

Infants who, early in their development, even from the

age of 6 months, have the ability to process new infor-

mation and make associations with other information

and expand their knowledge this way, achieve a higher

degree of development, according to recent research at

the Case Western Reserve University.

The young child has a built-in learning strategy. Babies

don't randomly explore the world around them, but stra-

254

tegically. They select and focus on information that ena-

ble them to learn faster and more efficiently, and they

prefer to focus on that. Instead, what they see as what

doesn't help them learn, they ignore. They therefore fo-

cus on what learns them the most. Babies are thus pro-

bably the best learners imaginable. This all was recently

shown in a study by the Donders Institute for Brain, Cog-

nition and Behavior, by means of eye tracking.

Cognitive schemas can refer to situations, but also to

events. In the first case it is what is, in the second case it

is a course. The cognitive schema then refers to the co-

herence between what is: it indicates a causal relations-

hip, the second as a result of the first, or it indicates an

instrumental connection, the first that results in the se-

cond.

Also for this dynamic coherence included in cognitive

schemas, the child makes a lot of effort to get to know

them better. It questions how something has arisen. For

example, what made my mum impatient. It also goes for

itself how it can create something itself. For example,

how do I make my mum sweet. These cognitive schemes

will also regularly be used by the child to influence his

environment or bring about change.

Cognitive schemas can also refer to people. Himself or

herself, meaningful persons from the world and the re-

lationship between themselves and others. Who they

255

are and how to respond and deal with. How both relate

to each other and what causal or instrumental connec-

tion there is.

For example, newborns have a preference for orienting

themselves toward faces in their natural visual environ-

ment. This indicates that the mechanisms underlying

orienting and moving faces with direct gaze also facili-

tate activation of relevant cortical regions in young in-

fants, providing an important foundation for the emer-

ging social brain. There would be a rapid subcortical

pathway for face detection triggered by a face (or eye)

like phase contrast pattern within a bounded area. In this

way, the baby brain would absorb information about the

social world and process it into social cognition, which it

can then use in its social interaction.

Another example, who am I to myself, I love myself and I

value myself, how attentive and caring I am about my-

self. Who is my mother, what feelings does she raise and

how much does she mean for me, how do I deal with

her? What is the relationship between the two of us, how

does it feel and how important is it for me, what kind of

interaction does it take.

All this information is implicitly stored in the cognitive

schemas of the child and is used as a matter of course

and therefore often less consciously when assessing and

dealing with situations, events and people. They form

256

the best possible wholes as an undertone in what is the

predominant here and now. They provide a solid basis

for the concrete action of the child.

4. Perception and cognitive schemas

Every perception is carried by cognitive schemas as a

comparison of what the child hears, sees or feels with

what has already been acquired by schemes. The result

is that a scheme is applicable or applies in a new situa-

tion, something that is included in the scheme or assimi-

lated to the scheme so that it remains confirmed. The

result can also mean that something is not included in

the scheme, but is split off, or that the scheme is chan-

ged so that it is accommodated. In assimilation, the co-

gnitive schema applies more broadly, with accommoda-

tion the schema becomes more limited. For example,

research shows that children are looking at something

longer if something does not meet their expectations.

This information is used by researchers to gain more in-

sight into inner processes, for example in children who

do not yet master the language. In this way they acquire

insights into activated thoughts and feelings of these

children.

To illustrate, recent neuroscience research at Dresden

University of Technology suggests that someone hears

what he or she expects to hear. Previous research has al-

ready shown that the cerebral cortex continuously makes

predictions about what will happen, and that neurons

257

responsible for sensory processing code differences bet-

ween predictions made and actual reality. It now appears

that not only the cerebral cortex, but also the entire au-

ditory path represents sounds according to previous ex-

pectations. This fits with the more general theory of sen-

sory processing that describes perception as a process of

hypothesis testing. Predictive coding assumes that the

brain is constantly activating predictions about what the

surrounding world will look like, sound, feel, and smell,

and that neurons only process the differences between

these predictions and the actual physical world. The pre-

viously established subjective beliefs about the surroun-

ding reality thus appear to play a decisive role in how the

perceived reality is processed and understood.

Every feeling- and judgment-response is carried by co-

gnitive schemas. The activated schema evokes asso-

ciated feelings and stored judgments.

Every interactive dealing is supported by cognitive

schemes. The activated scheme calls up associated be-

havior.

An example, a child will deal with a stuffed animal very

differently than with a living animal. A child may start his

dealings with a living animal from his association with his

cuddly toy. However, it will quickly experience that both

can be best distinguished and that both raise different

258

feelings and preferences and necessitate a different ap-

proach, for example itself more active towards reactive

in the living animal.

Not only their own interactive dealing but also those of

others in the environment is supported by their own co-

gnitive schemes in development. Cognitive schemes al-

low predicting the behavior of others. This is necessary

for smooth social interaction. For example, according to

Bekkering of Radboud University Nijmegen, we are able

to estimate what the other person is doing, how he will

do this and in what context, such as with what intention.

For example, if your child is walking around with his plush

pet, then it will play with it when it is fit. However, if it is

tired, it will reach its favorite animal to nurture it and

press it against itself.

In the brain, there would be a memory area in the tem-

poral cortex at the brain side that would help to form

these expectation models.

The child himself gradually finds out how other children

deal with their pet animal, also from their own experien-

ces with pet animals. Playing in the wake-up time, che-

rish around the sleep time. The more they exhibit this be-

havior themselves, the better they can assess it with

other children.

Research shows that the brain sends stored predictions

259

to the brain area that is responsible for observation. For

seeing the visual area in the back of the brain. Signals of

low-frequency brain waves stand for this. If the observa-

tion does not match the predictions, signals from high-

frequency waves are sent to the memory area with pre-

viously built-up predictions. Possibly the prediction can

still be saved, because it is not applicable and can so be

saved. It was not the stuffed animal, for example.

However, the forecast may have to be adjusted. In the

example, not only when the child is tired, the hug is che-

rished, also if the child feels unsafe, playing with the hug

stops and the hug is pressed against him. In predicting

and estimating this, the child should first pay attention

to the context, then to the course and finally to what it

represents. That's how it goes from general and vague

to concrete and specific.

According to some scientists, we perceive from the out-

side in and from the global to the detail. For example, we

would first perceive and label larger wholes such as

areas of color, then perceive shapes through edges and

then focus within them on from larger to smaller local

details, which would lead to a precise identification. For

example, such as discovering body and facial profiles

first, it is a man or woman, a child or an adult, then per-

ceiving that it is someone with blond or gray hair, white,

brown or black skin and finally based on perceiving smal-

ler details that it is, for example, your child, your neigh-

260

bor or your grandmother. This would also be neurologi-

cally substantiated. For example, rods are mainly res-

ponsible for peripheral vision and cones for central vi-

sion. The principle outlined here is gratefully used in ar-

tificial intelligence.

5. Cognitive schemas and parents

Even though parents are not consciously busy with the

filling of cognitive schemas of their child, parents have a

big influence on these schemas. Significant for this cog-

nitive development of the child are the cognitive sche-

mas that parents themselves possess and use in their ex-

pression and dealings. Children are very influenceable

for what is for their parents, what they know in their own

way. Also for how they react for themselves and their

environment to what is right for them, for what feelings,

judgment and association they connect to some-

thing. This way we can talk about social cognitive sche-

mas that apply to the whole family or the whole environ-

ment and that also assimilates.

261

An example, what respect is for a child is strongly deter-

mined by what respect is in the immediate environment

of the child, such as not attacking, not laughing or not

denying. How the child responds to respect often shows

a lot of resemblance with the reaction to this in the envi-

ronment, whether it experiences well-being or indiffe-

rence, whether it experiences appreciation or misunder-

standing, whether it is responsive in respect and non-res-

ponsive in the absence of respect.

262

If the interaction between the parent and child is unfa-

vourable, and if there is long-term stress due to financial,

relationship, parenting, addiction, violence, (too much)

focus or diversity problems, the child can develop deve-

lopmentally unfavorable minus schemes in addition to

developmentally favorable plus schemes, resulting in in-

security.

Parents sometimes take this more consciously and then

make an effort to teach the child values and norms. To

contribute what is valuable and to contribute what and

how something is possible, and what and how something

can not. Even though parents do not do this explicitly,

their implicit use of their cognitive schemas will implicitly

affect children, especially at a younger age, when child-

ren easily assimilate what is implicit in their environ-

ment. What is expressed as an undertone in the expres-

sion and actions of the parents.

New European research shows that the tendency to form

a first impression about someone based on the ap-

pearance of a person's face arises early in development.

Parents, among other things, reinforce their child's for-

mation of impressions in interaction with them. About

thirteen percent of the parent-child conversations in the

study had to do with perceived characteristics of people.

Parents actively reinforced their children's facial attribu-

263

tes. Moreover, they often agreed on their mutually ex-

pressed opinions. Parents thus encouraged the mapping

of facial features to infer who someone is on the basis of

perceived physical appearance. Specifically, babies as

young as seven months old prefer already to look at faces

whose features resemble a subtle smile rather than a

subtle frown.

Parents who consciously take care of the concept and

behavior formation of their child can see that as the child

grows older this is not always as easy and runs not always

as smoothly as before. This is because their child usually

already has a certain developed cognitive schema with

personal concepts and own behavioral filling. What pa-

rents offer is included, as confirmation, as a supplement

or as a change to which the child does not always want

to pass. It disturbs the inner cognitive stability and

housekeeping. It may end up in the cognitive schema not

as own, but as what and how parents know something.

In recent research, children who accepted the habit of

imitating their parents naturally seem to be more open

to influences later on. A mindset or scheme is thus deve-

loped to supplement (assimilation) and change (accom-

modation) their schemes under development. This can

be of significance so later on openness is important.

264

John Dewey, an important educator of the last century,

already described the educational process as a conti-

nuous reconstruction of experience. For him it meant a

continuous learning process without end, not even in

adulthood. For example, he preferred the term growth

to that of development. Each new experience builds on

previous experiences and helps determine the quality of

future experiences. The upbringing process must be un-

derstood from the point of view of the child's activity.

The more intensive the interaction, the more interrela-

tions are made. So the more meaning is given to

something, individually but also collectively.

6. Operation guiding and control

Research shows that children around the age of about

three years evolve from being incapable of action con-

trol and are dependent on the outside world to the use

of strategies that allow a certain action guiding and con-

trol without leaving it to the outside world. The develop-

ment of this guidance and control appears to be in paral-

lel with biological, cognitive and social development pro-

cesses. They then gradually become aware of whether

something corresponds to what they apparently use as a

scheme or standard. If this is not the case, then this may

seem strange to even frightening, or crazy or even laug-

hable. Likewise, they gradually become aware of

whether something is going on, such as what or how, for

what they apparently use a stored scheme or rule. If this

is not the case, then this can be perceived to them as

265

non-okay, which makes them refuse, or just as okay and

as their priority. The development of this course of

action and control is progressing step by step, with more

and more schemes being used as behavioral orienting

and with increasing use of multiple schemes as behavi-

oral forms

Before a child is able to act internally based on cognitive

schemas, a whole period of externally information-dri-

ven action from the parents and environment precedes

it. This external information that the child must help with

his behavioral control consists partly of product informa-

tion and partly of process information.Product informa-

tion relates to a certain (social) situation or event and

forms a whole set of data and characteristics that is in-

dicated as an image.Process information includes an in a

certain (social) situation or event associated dealing and

(inter)action progress that is indicated as a model, the

how. By means of product information that is more

spontaneously derivable or more expressly provided by

the environment, the what, and process information, the

how, the child is able to orient and direct his beha-

vior. Initially with the necessary practical help and ad-

justment. On the basis of this information made availa-

ble and supplemented with own experience, the neces-

sary cognitive schemas gradually develop.

For the development of the child, this external informa-

266

tion, its degree, its quality and its availability are vi-

tal. Adults can be very intermediaries here in the transi-

tion to internal information. The lack of this or shortages

in it lead to less developed or unilateral schemes.

For example, the thinking scheme of a young person can

remain very elementary. Thinking is then possible : to

take over and repeat what others think and ex-

press. Thinking is done by passively relying on others and

their help, or impulsively taking over what others hold.

Thinking then is not able to produce as much new infor-

mation as possible with as little information as possible. I

do not think by actively exploring a situation or problem,

by expressing the information present and relating it, by

deriving possible explanations and solutions, by coordi-

nating purpose and means, before, during and af-

terwards. Thinking. If I did this well, that would require a

very different, more developed, thinking plan.

Parents and educators can contribute by helping the

child build rich schemes in the long-term memory. Sche-

mes in which facts, concepts, principles, methods, situa-

tions, contexts are mutually functionally linked and are

easily accessible for use in the various situations that

have to be processed in the working memory, such as

the solution of a specific problem, or the approach to a

task or assignment.

267

7. Cognitive schemes applied

Enter a cognitive schema : …

Fill in after each dot for your child :

... is for your child :

is your child doing so/is your child so dealing with :

can you wake up like this:

can you extinguish like this:

can activate your child like this:

can deactivate your child like this :

268

Communicative

approach

The communicative approach means talking back and

forth with your child in an open way in an open climate.

Experiences, feelings, thoughts, intentions and expecta-

tions are preferably conveyed precisely, completely and

clearly in word language on both sides. This event is ac-

cepted, stimulated and kept positive. It is avoided that

communication could only be done indirectly through at-

titudes, behavior or others.

The parent-child communication is functional when the

messages are complete, the concrete content aspect of

the message is important and there is a congruence bet-

ween the content aspect (what is communicated) and

How to talk back and forth with your child in an

open way in an open climate as part of your upbrin-

ging?

WORDS

269

the relation (how it should be understood) and rela-

tionship aspect (which relationship between communi-

cators).

The parent-child communication is dysfunctional if it is

characterized by incomplete messages, a content aspect

of the message that loses its unambiguous meaning and

becomes irrelevant and unimportant and a relationship

aspect that becomes overpowering and leads to misun-

derstandings, blockages and disorders.

Typical is:

Talk to your child in an open way.

Make clear agreements so that your child knows exactly

what can and can not and how something is possible.

Discuss a difficulty in advance and look for solutions to-

gether.

There are development oriented different ap-

proaches possible as educator.

They each contribute in their own way to a

development beneficial environment.

The communicative approach is one of these

development-favorable approaches.

270

The final responsibility for setting rules is with you as an

parent with the participation of your child.

Planning together in difficult behavior situations.

Creating an open climate with open communication.

Talking with your child when drawing up rules of conduct.

Build a positive relationship with your child.

Keep the underlying tone positive when communicating.

Being a sounding board for your child.

Report failures so that they can be better prevented in

the future.

. you may have your own opinion,

I do not attack it,

I place my opinion next to yours,

I may also have my opinion

. you may have your own feeling ,

I do not attack it,

I place my feeling besides this of you,

I may also have my feeling

. you may have your own desire,

I do not attack it,

I give my desire alongside yours,

I may also have my desire

. We explain our opinions, feelings and

desires together and take care of them

so that there is respect for them and if possible

they come into their own.

271

your opinions

my opinions

your feelings

my feelings

your desires

my desires

272

Communicative

development

1. Attention requested

In parenting of a child, a lot of attention is given to lan-

guage development and interactive development. Pa-

rents want their child to be able to get in touch with chil-

dren and adults from his or her surroundings as quickly

and as well as possible and to be able to deal with it as

well as possible. They pay a lot of care to learning to

speak and learning to get along with who it is dealing

with. Attention is given to language and interaction as

tools.

In parenting there is a lot of attention for language

and behavioral development of the child.

Less attention is given to how communication deve-

lops in the child.

273

There is less attention for the communicative element in

the use of these tools. What is expressed and exchanged

with language and interaction. How is language and in-

teraction expressed and exchanged? When it comes to

what and how something is expressed, it involves com-

munication of content in a certain way. Both the content

and the form will then determine what is exchanged.

2. Your contribution as an educator or parent

The communicative development of the child starts with

you. How you deal with the child and how you talk to it

allows the child to a greater or lesser extent convey so-

mething of himself: of what it experiences, of how it

feels, what needs it has.

A child can discover in this way how he can do something

within his possibilities. Whether it can and is useful to

convey something? Does it help to make something

clear, how loud, bad or long does it have to weep to get

your attention and get a reaction? Is it sufficient to give

a signal that something is going on and do you further

inform yourself how you can cater to the child? Are you

responsive in other words? Being responsive means

that you can notice the present (need) signals in the

child's expressions and respond appropriately to them,

without always giving the child his desire.

Do you encourage the child through your attention and

274

reaction to express what it experiences ? Do you en-

courage the child to express his experience appro-

priately ? Do you help your child to become more ex-

pressive, as by informing the environment about

yourself in a way that invites them to pay attention to

this and respond appropriately ?

As a parent, it is preferable not to resort too much to

questioning when encouraging communication. After all,

the child may not always know how to answer, or it may

experience too much pressure. You can better use des-

criptive statements about something to encourage con-

versation. For example, you can describe what happens,

or describe what someone does. For example, instead of

'Are you dressed yet ?' you can say 'You're still wearing

your pajamas.' Instead of 'Did you enjoy today ?' you may

prefer 'I see a big smile on your face.' Instead of 'Did you

play well together?' you may encourage to reply with "I

see you've made something beautiful together." That

way you already start a story.

3. Yourself as a model

Do you stimulate the child to take notice of what you ex-

press as an environment ? Do you give signals that the

child can understand or do you ask the child to derive

from your reaction what you want to express? As long

as the child does not speak a word language, are you

using a sign language, a voice language, a body language

or do you resort to a behavioral or middle language. Let

275

you yourself be heard through your voice, or see yourself

through gestures or your body what you mean ? Or are

you going to let feel by what you do or do not do, or

through which means you use, such as punish-

ment? For example : withdrawing or denying some-

thing ?

It is important that you help the child to take a higher

level and respond to what it hears and what it sees and

do not let it come to the point where you child only feels

it what you want. This way you can orientate the child to

your verbal language through your voice language to

take account of what you want to express. Likewise, you

can help to orientate your child on what you say and ex-

press, rather than on how you say something or express

something. In this way, it can also help you to not always

be obliged to hide your message in how you say or ex-

press something. For example : friendly or unfriendly, in-

viting or compelling. By not taking this yourself to ex-

pressing yourself through how, but preferring to express

yourself through what, you can lay the foundation for

the child.

By being self-respectful and not expressing your displea-

sure against the child but against the situation and what

the child does or does not do, you avoid affecting the

self-image and the self-esteem of the child. At the same

time you set the tone and stand model for a respectful

communication, in which you come to the point for what

276

you want differently and at the same time appeals the

child to its contribution. You can then focus on how

something is possible.

4. Discover communication channels and languages

A baby initially communicates very much with his

body. Reflexively in pain for example : it pulls away, or it

gets the hiccups in abdominal cramps. A baby communi-

cates also with a purpose : it ceases to suck, or it

squeezes the lips when it no longer wants the baby

bottle.

Very quickly the child also communicates with his mimi-

cry. His face is calm, neutral, relaxed, or his face shows

restlessness, displeasure or discomfort and is

tense. From his face can quickly read feelings present

with him or her.

Very soon it also communicates with its voice, even

though it can not talk at all. Its schreitone points very

quickly to a certain displeasure or a certain appeal. Its

vocalizing around 3 months, as with soft elongated

sounds 'uh, uh' indicates a certain pleasure and satisfac-

tion. Its babbling around 6 months becomes a social

babble a few months later, in which sounds can be found

of the native language. It invites you as a parent to talk

back, or is a response to your talk and is stimulated by

it. In addition to the game and exercise element, it can

277

have the meaning of answering, approaching, expressing

impatience, and so on.

Spontaneously or possibly in response to yourself, the

child begins to make gestures that match certain realities

or events by the end of the first year of life. Like opening

its mouth to get something, or pointing to draw atten-

tion to something. As a parent you have a tendency to

make a number of gestures. For example, sway when so-

meone leaves, or shrug your shoulder to indicate that

you do not know something. Especially when the child

tries to say the first words, it may be tempting if this does

not quite succeed in supporting this with certain gestu-

res. Like 'caa' for cat and a caressing gesture. As a parent

you can consciously try to become aware of these baby

gestures and try to support and stimulate them. As an

intermediary step for language acquisition, they can help

to experience communicative success. It also helps to

make the transition from not being able to talk to wan-

ting to talk but not yet succeeding, or not yet completely

successful. Gradually, as soon as the child can talk bet-

ter, these gestures disappear, even though they can still

occur together for a certain time. Think of saying no and

shaking the head at the same time. Research would indi-

cate the beneficial effect of gestures on language acqui-

sition.

As soon as the child learns to understand and learn to

278

use the language, a new world opens up communicati-

vely. It now finally understands what those adults have

been saying all the time. Moreover, it can give the ans-

wer, or elicit an answer by first saying something. This

language communication has two consequences: the

child is better informed and can better inform the envi-

ronment about itself, on the other hand more and more

influence can be exerted on the child, but on the other

hand it can also try to influence the environment. This

makes the exchange more intensive.

In the second year of life, the child discovers that if it

does not want to respond to something, it can do this

with its behavioral reaction. It does not want to be at the

table, it does not want to go inside or go to sleep. It also

discovers that if it has to do something mandatory, for

example, letting his sister ride his bike, it can do some-

thing to make his sister's life miserable. It constantly

forms an obstacle for his sister with materials. Or it sti-

mulates a play friend to tease his sister. In this way, the

child discovers the behavioral language (not at the table,

not inside) and the middle language (materials such as

obstacle, involvement of a friend). This way it can make

you and his sister feel something and make it clear.

In this way the child discovers the different communica-

tion channels: his body, his mimicry, his voice, his gestu-

res, his language, his behavior, means and others. In this

way, the various communication languages associated

279

with these channels also develop to a greater or lesser

extent : body language, mimic language, voice language,

sign language, word language, behavioral language and

medium language.

5. Which signals?

When using the various communication channels and as-

sociated languages, the child gradually discovers from

the reactions of the environment what is possible and

what is not possible. This is done on the basis of the per-

ceived appreciation and positive reaction and the expe-

rienced disapproval and negative reaction. In this way, it

quickly becomes clear that calling, or hitting, or making

something broken can not be done at all. This is how it

feels that respectful talking, ignoring or mediation can

be done. In this way his communication is increasingly

becoming a social (accepted) communication.

During use, the child gradually discovers in the various

specific groups of which it is part, such as the family, the

nursery, afterwards the school, the circle of friends, the

neighborhood, etc., which is the preferred language

that attracts attention and provokes the desired res-

ponse, or is most likely to offer it. This way it can discover

that it is best to ask everything in kindergarten, but that

it does not work out very well at home towards its bro-

ther(s) or sister(s) and that it only has influence by letting

feel it. This way it can be determined that each group

uses a signal language, language on which they often

280

have little insight. A language that is responded to with

attention and reaction. If a different language is used

then no attention is given or no or little reaction occurs.

To ask your sister or brother to participate makes little

impression, sharing a piece of your cake does offer the

desired response. A child of three to four years is able to

adapt his language to who it talks with. It can take into

account age, situation and demand for informa-

tion. Communication is often used to come to an agree-

ment and to work together, often in a game context.

6. Communication in itself

Between the age of five and seven years, oral communi-

cation skills are increasing. Communicating is becoming

increasingly disconnected from concrete (game) situa-

tions and specific behavior. The talking comes standing

at its own, becomes longer, is coherent and forms a

whole. Talking remotely with each other is more popular

because it works better, everything can be better ex-

pressed, even if nothing can be shown or seen. From

eight years onwards thoughts can be exchanged and

more (goal-oriented) dealed with the language. For

example, arguments can be formulated to obtain some-

thing. In what is communicated, the prior knowledge of

the interlocutor is gradually taken into account. It is also

possible to communicate more and more in a nuanced

and efficient manner, such as exchanging main issues

and staying with the preconceived main line.

281

The communication circle is gradually expanding from

the familiar environment to new contacts and more and

more functional communication is coming forward

here. Our own communication is becoming more and

more conscious and can therefore be better tuned.

7. Social communication

Social communication development is very important for

dealing with other children and young people in game

and group contexts. The child must be able to give sig-

nals to the others and receive timely and accurate sig-

nals. The child must be able to understand what the

others say and respond appropriately to the other child

and itself. The child must keep in touch with social con-

tact and know how to find a way out of conflict in a com-

municative way.

Parents can offer the necessary training opportunities in

dealing with their child. For example, helping their child

to notice what exactly you say as a parent, teach the

child to take into account what you say, how to express

yourself without making you angry, how to come to an

agreement, how to express what it feels and needs, how

to indicate in time when something brings the child in

trouble, and so on.

8. Consequences of development delay

Failure to timely or sufficiently develop communicative

skills could result in the child continuing to express itself

282

in a more elementary way. It shouts easily, throws things

or beats others. It can also result in it being left on the

sidelines, it is silent or is passively alone. Parents easily

experience their child as more difficult to handle, little

attentive or not social attentive, more active and little

capable of positive emotional exchange. Possibly this

also depends on being less able to take and understand

what is expressed by the environment.

Being able to express less of what it feels and needs in-

creases the risk of disappointment and isolation because

it does not meet its needs. This is certainly the case

when the child starts to go to school.

Problem behavior would be more at risk with less favo-

rable communicative development and there could be a

correlation with less favorable socio-emotional and be-

havioral competence development. For example, lan-

guage can help the child to slow down socially less va-

lued behavior and to opt for what is socially preferable.

9. Feelings and communication

Even though children manage to quickly understand the

environment and make themselves understood, it

should not be assumed too quickly that the child can im-

mediately be very accurate. A child often experiences si-

tuations easily, but therefore does not just succeed in gi-

ving this feeling, sometimes also physically, accurately

and completely in words. What you say as a parent easily

283

arouses feelings in the child, but these cheerful feelings

are not just a faithful representation of what you com-

municate and mean.

A child may feel very tense or uncomfortable in a new

situation, but will experience this possibly expressed in

stress complaints, such as withdrawing or feeling un-

well. As a parent you mean to make a comment about

something that you want to see changed in the behavior

of the child, the child can easily interpret this as an attack

or rejection.

As a parent, you can help the child by identifying exactly

what something is about and with which something is

connected. It is something unfamiliar and hence you ex-

perience some tension. It is not about criticism, but it is

about what can be a more favorable alternative to what

you do now or is happening now. Especially to make it

clear to the child how to do this and to practice exerci-

sing feelings and to express them and to distinguish

them from situations or events with which they relate.

10. Conscious communication

Communication is a matter of course. In fact, every inte-

raction between parent and child involves communica-

tion, even if you do not mean it at all. Not communica-

ting is simply not possible. It is precisely because it is so

spontaneous and self-evident that it receives little atten-

tion, also in the development. This also appears in works

and research on the development of the child.

284

Nevertheless, it can be experienced that many interac-

tion problems are partly related to less favorable com-

munication. Every reason therefore to pay attention to

this in the development of the child. This can be done by

becoming more aware of the communication of and with

the child as a parent. In this way you get a better view of

it, also on growth and evolution and you can better res-

pond to it. This way more opportunities can be created

and more can be practiced. The upbringing situation can

provide the safe basis for this.

11. Affectable

This way you can also pay attention to the link between

the presentation for the child and its communication. In

this way you can notice that the child, based on what it

receives, forms a representation that is very colored with

what lives in the child itself and that is not always exactly

related to what was actually expressed.

On the other hand, you can sometimes notice, because

the child has no or no precise representation yet, that

this can be very influenced by what it receives in com-

munication.

The younger the child, the more influenceable it is by

what is going on in him or herself and by what the envi-

ronment provides.

285

According to a recent study by the University of Utrecht

as soon as a child has a presentation his brain is in sync

with who it is talking. This is in case something of what it

will hear is predictable. The type of brain activity is more

such as to who it talks, this is in case it can predict what

will be said. The brains of both speakers and listeners

take particular account of the predictability of the langu-

age. This results in more similar patterns of brain activity

in both, even before a sentence is heard or spoken.

The brain of both parent and child appear here as a pre-

dictive tool, it continuously anticipate on the outside

world. So their can be a quick and accurate response.

This allows the brain to predict sounds and words based

on the context. For example, your child's shouting stands

for fun, even though your child has not yet said finding

something pleasant. The brain sends a signal to the au-

ditory cortex that it can expect sound patterns that are

similar to predicted words. In communication, therefore,

top-down processes play a role : this means that it can

be anticipated as to what is to come. Here what will be

said, for example, by you as a parent. The brain plays in

this an important role as a predictive force.

In the same line are findings from research at Radboud

University in Nijmegen. This research shows that talking

to each other is more than the exchange of words and

phrases, but that together a reality is evoked or created

within a small bubble, here parent and child, in which

messages are understood. In order to understand what

286

is being said, the shared context must also be grasped

here. For example, how can in what each say taken into

account what the listener already knows or expects. In

conversation an imaginary space is created together,

which evolves as the conversation progresses. This can

make the created context more aligned, as something

you can build on. The changing representations can be

larger or more limited.

In conversation, everything must come together in a

lightning-fast manner: communicative signals, know-

ledge of the world and knowledge of your interlocutor in

an imaginary collective context. For this purpose, the

brain constantly keeps all knowledge and expectations

ready, so that can be built on very flexibly, during con-

versation. Research shows that the same areas of the

brain are active in conversation partners. They respond

simultaneously and this is more active as mutual under-

standing increases. Activation represents the process of

jointly negotiating and updating that shared space. If

both conversation partners already have the same con-

text information, the synchronous activity will stop. If au-

tism is involved, this synchronous activity seems more

difficult because the shared communicative space is less

successful, with as consequence less understanding each

other.

287

12. Classification and attention

Indicate whit a cross what is typical for the communica-

tion of the child.

Indicate with a dot what you would like to pay attention

to in the communicative development of the child:

Body language

Mimic language

Voice language

Sign language

Word language

Behavioral language

Medium language

Social language

Signal language

Communication in connection with activity

Communication in itself

Social communication

Emotional communication

Development-delayed communication

Conscious communication

Very influenceable communication

288

For a clear

communication

Nothing is more difficult than talking to someone. We al-

ways find it difficult to communicate what we mean to

say. The other person does not always understand us. Or

the other person understands us wrong. Or the other

does not want to understand us. It becomes really diffi-

cult if we want to get something done from the other

person. Or whether we want the other to change. It is

even more difficult to stand up for yourself and put the

other in place.

In almost all situations we feel that it is good to talk. Pre-

ferably to talk and to discuss in advance. Even when we

do something together, keeping each other informed, is

important in order to avoid misunderstandings and

mistakes. After a successful or unsuccessful execution,

Talking to your child is not always easy.

Clear communication can offer more opportunities.

289

talking helps to learn from what we did. Sometimes it is

necessary to talk things out, for what we can not accept

at all.

I come to you across my borders,

but you are so closed within yourself.

I'm going on,

I am busy myself.

If only I could get your attention?

Even if it was for a moment,

you could look outside

and get over your own limits

and do not feel lost.

I will help you,

if you let me.

If you touch me,

we both are free.

This is certainly the case for you as a parent in relation to

your child. This talking together becomes more impor-

tant as your child grows up and develops and expresses

his own ideas, preferences and desires. The child asks

and expects you to take this into account. This then re-

quires a lot of consultation in order to allow everyone to

do their utmost in the care of your child.

Usually we live on friendly terms with our child. As a pa-

rent you are interested in your child and are very com-

mitted to it. And your child feels a lot for you. Such a

290

friendly relationship offers the most chances to under-

stand each other well and to influence each other. But

even then we notice that a very different way of talking

can be found in friendly conversations. After all, we have

each gained our own experiences from which we

talk. For example, your silence is for your child to agree,

for you it is an expression of disagreement. The things

we say can also have a different content. For example,

when I speak as a parent about 'difficult', I think of what

is complicated or delicate. Your child thinks about what

it should do alone, without help or support. The closer

we are to each other in experience and living environ-

ment, the easier we will be on the same wavelength.

Fortunately, this is usually so in the relationship with

your child.

It is difficult if we are at odds with our child. We did not

manage to find a rapprochement for anything, or we got

into conflict with our child and argued so that our

friendship or understanding cooled for a shorter or lon-

ger period of time. There is usually a certain power

struggle or inequality. Many daily frictions may then re-

turn to this resulting disagreement and distance. Even

though we are still struggling to make ourselves clear

and we are inviting our child, it wants to strengthen or

reinforce its position through refusal, contrarian or to do

difficult.

291

It becomes very difficult when we have to limit our child

or put it in its place, to reduce it in its field. Or have to

ensure that our child takes up his duties and responsibi-

lity for the agreed part. We are then easily pushed into a

very unsympathetic role as a parent. Your child thinks,

speaks, chooses, decides and acts in your place. Or your

child refuses to think, speak, choose, decide and act and

pushes this towards you. For example, your child is

struggling with your time and money spending. Or your

child leaves his chores and unpleasant messages to

you. Your child often expresses itself tactically to you. 'I

can do this better, you have no experience with it, I've

never had to do this before, you've been cut for it, it used

to be, now this is ridiculous, ...'

In many of these cases, it will be a matter of speaking

from and for yourself as a parent and standing up for his

experienced responsibility. Consideration should not be

given to being tempted to speak in the name of your

child, how much safer this may seem, from what is sup-

posedly only important to your child. It is indeed not

easy to speak about and for yourself as a parent. This re-

quires that you yourself have a vision, an opinion, a pre-

ference and have decided what you yourself want from

your self-declared task as a parent. So you know in ad-

vance what you want to say and you can concentrate on

how to say it. It often seems more social to talk about

and for the other person. For example, "if you pick it up

like that, if you ever acted like that, instead of I would

292

take it that way, I do not want to do it alone

anymore." However, it is good to know that by talking to

your child you are not in the loom and present it as if you

do not have to change. Your child then feels alone and

feels very personally addressed. It will therefore easily

go into defense and respond defensively. Moreover, it

will find its justification and justification for its opposition

to feeling attacked by you.

It is very important to come out very clearly from your

own point of view as a parent and to stand up for

yourself. Specify exactly what you yourself are and to in-

vite your child to take this into account and go into

it. Making it a joint issue and challenge. Not because you

want to attack your child and treat it as an enemy. On

the contrary, you prefer to respect your child as a person

and to maintain a friendly relationship with it. But this

does not mean to hold back and neglect yourself from

the idea of being only someone and meaning something

for what you give to your child or get spontaneously

from your child. For example, affection, attention, right.

Against this background you can try to be clear. This can

be done by ruling out everything that can lead to a

misunderstanding of what you say. This way you can en-

sure that everything is transferred to your child as preci-

sely, coherently, completely, directly and expressively as

possible. Only by being clear in what you want to ex-

press, you can achieve the desired positive result.

293

When I speak to my child, I can pay attention not to

exaggerate what I say and what I expect. By stating very

accurately, in detail, concretely, with nuances and speci-

fically what it is about and not staying vague or too ge-

neral and wanting to include too much, it remains clear

for your child. I share something and ask something. I do

not want to shake my child, it seems more reasonable

and acceptable. I also say specifically what concerns me

and my child. For example, 'if I do this, you can do that.'

When I share something, I can be careful not to contra-

dict myself. Often I say something, but I mean something

else. Often I do not dare to say what I mean, or I do not

want to show my purpose. I say 'yes, but … ; or no,

yet ...; or so, though ... '. I often give in with words, but I

do very angry. Or say to refuse, but laugh away what I

say or do differently. This often creates confusion among

my child as an observer, so that in the end I have less

control over how it understands and responds to it. In

practice, you often try to make it friendly clear that it is

no for this difficulty, but that it remains yes for the rela-

tionship with the other person. An explanation of this

double message, no and yet friendly, will often be desi-

rable if your child is not familiar with it.

Sometimes I only express myself half-way, instead of be-

ing complete. Possibly because I suppose my child

knows what it is about and understands what I

mean. Possibly also because I show some hesitation for

any resistance and reaction from my child. I also do not

294

have to show where I stand for. In case of refusal I avoid

to go off in the situation. In case of disappointing results,

I can also deny having said or asked anything. I am just

suggesting something. Your child will then be obliged to

guess and to estimate what it is about and what is expec-

ted of it.

Sometimes I also just express myself indirectly. I then

use detours or deviate from the subject, instead of spea-

king to my child in my presence in a clear, affirmative

way. Indirectness often originates in wanting to spare

your child, yourself or your relationship. Certainly

something negative or bad must be communicated, this

can best be made immediately clear. Your child can then

be helped in expressing and processing its disappoint-

ment. The tendency to express yourself indirectly is

mainly expressed when you seek refuge in your body lan-

guage, such as grimacing or excitement. This tendency is

even more pronounced in limiting yourself to behavioral

language, such as avoiding each other, or bullying each

other, or telling someone else.

In order to teach your child something, time, energy, ef-

fort and other means are often needed to inform it

exactly. Making something clear and lively increases the

chance of being followed. Starting and explaining in

good time too can make the child able to get used to it.

295

It will be necessary to avoid to do violence to reali-

ties due to incorrect and unjustified additions such as as-

sumptions, generalizations, expectations, interpreta-

tions, growing suspicion, emotional reactions, indeci-

sion, rigidity, hardening, position, principle realization ,

precedent definition, and symptomation. It is better to

try to solve the existing basic problem (unblocking), or to

raise awareness of the irrational framework (remove

swelling). It should not be forgotten that we at any mo-

ment make a double of what is happening in reality. We

would then be better able to make a constructive, usable

and workable double that helps us move forward instead

of a defensive, hindering and immobilising model that

separates us more and more as a parent and child.

By talking about reality, a model arises in everyone's

head. It is a model of how reality works and how to con-

ceive things, and how to deal with this in what con-

text. This model then communicates to the reality. In

this way reality becomes a communicated reality in

which the resulting model plays a leading role. This

creates a social model through communication. Commu-

nication often has the purpose to influence each other's

model in everyone's mind and, if possible, to harmonize

with each other. However, clear communication allows

to make the own model known to the other person,

while the other person is prepared to take notice of this

without immediately wanting to influence it. This often

makes a more explicit communication possible. Clear

296

communication then allows to add something to

everyone's model rather than wanting to change it and

make it so richer and more nuanced.

Attempts will also have to be made not to disturb the

conversation with, among other things, your unrest,

fear, tension, uncertainty, confusion, blockage, loss of

control, powerlessness, disappointment, grief, regret,

misunderstanding, isolation, excitement, surprise, irrita-

tion, anger, disgust, aversion, bitterness, distrust, envy,

impatience, struggle, threat. This can be done by expres-

sing your emotions in a positive-lasting conversation at-

mosphere for your child. This way it can be taken into

account and can be used for further orientation. It can

also be taken into account that you yourself attribute im-

portant emotional significance to what is being discus-

sed.

All of this must lead to precise and real giving and taking

of information of each other and each other's sensitivi-

ties and expectations in a mutually respecting and space

providing atmosphere. In this way you acquire authority

on the basis of respect and not so much on the basis of

your authority. Thus, from the actual distance to each

other, feasible opportunities for growth can be sought

and tested. Possibilities that each can accept and sup-

port and where no use is made of preponderance, pres-

sure, manipulation or violence. By being myself and be-

ing for myself and coming out for it, I invite my child to

297

be itself and to be for itself and to come out for it. This is

how we notice differences that come across as wealth

and personality. This way we can rely on it without any

misunderstanding of this diversity and we can build on

each other in addition.

In any case, it is important to continue to cherish positive

feelings and expectations in conversation, even though

there are currently few reasons for this. Nevertheless, it

should be taken into account that negative feelings and

expectations that we would begin to have, can have a

very big influence on one's own way of speaking. Nega-

tive feelings and expectations, such as 'my child does not

want to listen anyway, my child can not convince me, it

will never change, ...' It could lead to no longer tal-

king. Or things can not really be explained anymore. Or

you use the talk to accuse your child and express your

disappointment. So you close every door yourself that

could lead to some change. In the end, I'd rather stay for

a conversation, just as I stay for our relationship'. From

what we want to say, find out how to say this. Like from

what we want to do in our parent-child relationship, look

for how to do this.

As a parent you can work on two goals in order to ar-

rive at a clear communication. These are :

1. Becoming aware of your own way of communication

298

This is to recognize and situate your own usual way of

speaking and listening between possible communication

forms. You can pay particular attention to your own

place and space that you occupy when talking. Can I be

and remain myself ? Will I come to my right ? Do I

reach my intended goal ? Do I communicate from my

child’s expectations to me ? Do I communicate from

what I personally feel, think or want ? Am I violating my-

self ? Will I stay in the cold ? Which structure and limits

offer help or hinder ? Can I be open and direct ? Do I

have to be on my guard ? For whom or what ? Can I

stand up for myself ? Am I sufficiently resistant ? Do I

have to protect myself for my child ? Am I afraid to lis-

ten because my child is pressing me ? Can I stay nearby

or should I keep a distance ? Am I aware of what is dif-

ficult for me in communication ? What and when will a

conversation be disturbed for me ? What happens then

to me ? Does my child understand me or not ? Do you

want to or can’t you ?

2. Optimize your own way of communication

How can I supplement and adjust my usual way of spea-

king and listening so that communication gives me more

satisfaction and opportunities and there is less disap-

pointment and risk for me ? How can I find myself bet-

ter and speak better through talking and listening? How

can I achieve more skill to achieve more with less effort

and less failure in conversation ? How can I solve pro-

blems and conflicts in conversation in a functional way,

299

where each one wins ? How can I get closer to myself

by talking together with my child ? How can I also get

closer to my child ? How can I keep a friendly conversa-

tion with my child and still stand up for myself ? How

can I come to a change in my life, relationship and beha-

vioral situation by talking together ? How can I reach a

redistribution and reorganization of tasks, actions, atten-

tion, influence, agreements through consulta-

tion ? How can I avoid tensions that put me out of ba-

lance in a conversation with my child ? How can I avoid

feelings that disturb my listening and speaking ? How

can I avoid error ? How can I avoid giving an impression

so that I unintentionally commit to something and then

have to fulfill this ? How can I maintain openness in my

child ? How can I influence my child ? How can I ex-

press myself more clearly ? How can I better identify

realities ? How can I deal with feelings and emotions in

favor of the conversation ?

300

Phase-specific

communication

Where, when, with whom?

Nina (40 years) – ‘We often forgot to talk to our child

beforehand, or avoided talking in advance, to avoid po-

tential hassle. Afterwards we had to say that we did not

agree and did not want a repeat. Our daughter then rep-

licated that she did not know that this was not allowed.

She felt attacked and criticized, although she thought

she was doing well.’

Ben (30 years old) – ‘Once something was agreed, we as-

sumed that our child did what we asked for and what we

expected. Only later did we sometimes notice that

something else had expired. We just left it, because it

was just like that.’

Communication that accompanies someone's doing

in reality requires prior, during and afterwards con-

versation, in accordance with the different commu-

nication phases.

301

Louise (15) – ‘If I asked my parents something, their an-

swer was invariably that they should think about it. So I

gradually left it to ask something. I then tried to do some-

thing, outside of them. I sometimes did crazy or even

dangerous things. I certainly couldn't talk to them about

it, even if it risked to go wrong.’

Mathis (18 years old) – ‘There was not much talking be-

tween us. We should have already serious problems be-

fore addressing one of our parents. Questions with

which we were confronted we also rarely talked about

them with our parents. We preferred to consult with

friends. Even when something risked to go wrong, we

kept our lips together. There was no openness to each

other. Because of this silence, the mutual distance in-

creased. Occasionally this led to misunderstandings. We

were then blamed about it and made guilty. But even

then we did not try to explain or justify it. Everyone

chose to lock themselves in with his personal right. Also

afraid of the reaction of each other.’

Finn (16 years old) – ‘My parents were divorced. That

made them each very busy. I learned early to do my own

things, without thinking much about the things I did.

Usually I just started something. When my mom found

out, she easily commented because she was worried

about me and my future. My dad, for his part, tried to

steer me constantly, especially if it did not coincide with

what he chose or had in mind for me. They both said that

302

they loved me very much, but we would not sit together

in advance, consult and find out what was good for me.

No, because they didn't want to hurt me. But afterwards

they also avoided talking about something if it had not

been successful. Again not to hurt me. That way all the

pressure came on me. I could not experience real sup-

port, even though they often pretended.’

Marie (29 years old) – ‘As young parents, we intended to

do things differently, both in the relationship to each

other and in the relationship with our child. We espe-

cially wanted openness towards each other. We hoped

to achieve this by regularly talking to each other. Prefer-

ably as much as possible in advance. We also did not

want to avoid difficult conversations. But wanted to talk

precisely in case of difficulties. We also wanted to talk

afterwards to process things and learn from them.‘

Joran (31 years old) – ‘As parents, we quickly realized

how important it was to act as a team towards our child.

So everything would be unambiguous for our child. The

message was to talk as parents with one voice. Some-

times we each wanted to approach something in a dif-

ferent way. In order not to cause confusion, we worked

out how to get to the same wavelength. Also within our

relationship as partners, we quickly realized the im-

portance of openness and consultation. Especially con-

303

sultation on time, but also when implementing some-

thing and afterwards to look back. That way there was

no division between us.’

What ?

Talking in advance, during and afterwards or communi-

cating phase-own is what can offer many benefits for

each. In this way you come to a better understanding

and relationship with each other. It prevents problems

or their repetition. In this way you can also ensure that

problems are situated at conversation level and not at

reality level.

Phase-specific communication is the extent to which

communication is brought into conformity with the ap-

peal in the present phase of the interaction.

The phase-fitting communication has three phases, each

with its own appeal forms: one, informing, orienting and

directing what is to come; two, guiding, supporting and

adjusting what is going on; three, evaluating, following

up and concluding what is over. They correspond to the

three distinct communication phases.

You can pay attention to phase-specific communication

coordination. You can pay attention to the difference,

meaning and importance of the distinct communication

304

phases and the enclosed appeal. You can work on opti-

mizing your communication by integrating the phase

perspective with the enclosed appeal forms. You can pay

attention to the three-phase perspective for each of the

possible stages of a (conversation) relationship. You can

pay attention to come into conversation from the taken

up individual or shared responsibility to planning, organ-

ization, arrangements, follow-up and control.

How ?

What typifies phase-specific communication is:

Prior to

I inform others in advance of my needs and plans.

In conversation matching in advance the picture that

each of us has of what is coming.

Discuss with each other beforehand where we want to

come out and how to find and adjust usable ways for

this.

Together we indicate in advance what we hope to

achieve for each and the relationship through conversa-

tion (equal, more, better, less, ...).

From the certainty that you will meet with each other,

prepare for changes as well as possible, adjust to them

and try to integrate them positively into your life.

If I do not agree with something, I will say this clearly and

explicitly in advance.

305

Through conversation try to get in touch with and keep

in touch with what lives with each one and what each

does.

Continuously incorporate as much information as possi-

ble about each other's qualities and concerns into your

experience to be able to take this into account when for-

mulating proposals.

Before we do anything together, we consult with each

other and examine whether and how we can succeed.

In conversation we pay attention to what leads us to

want to do here and now and what this can result to or

has as consequence.

Involve own and joint experience reflections in choices

in conversation.

In case of foreseeable difficulties and tensions, talk in ad-

vance.

Trying to prevent, resolve or successfully manage a con-

flict through conversation.

In conversation so preferable give attention beforehand

to 'what, if', 'suppose, what', 'if-not, what', 'as if, how'

situations.

Use talking and informing as a powerful preventive tool

to prevent something from going wrong.

Make appointments in time and remind them in time.

I make the things I do in conversation sufficiently visible

and audible for the other person and myself.

I make the things I experience in conversation suffi-

ciently visible and audible for the other person and my-

self.

306

While

My speaking accompanies my doing.

I tell about what I am doing.

Surround what you undertake with good information

provision and support through it.

While I do something with others, I talk to them about

this.

We ensure that communication is underway - it supports

processes and changes and does not hinders them.

If something disappoints me, you can tell from my atti-

tude.

If others disturb me, I tell them this.

So necessarily I give my vision on the actions of others.

I prefer to talk to each other pre-actively and pro-actively

rather than re-and contra-actively.

So you notice that there is a problem, stop, put the prob-

lem into words and think together how to get out and

take the next steps.

Speaking over and over at intervals of where to come,

where to be now and where to go further.

Taking everyone's experiences, feelings and desires into

account by regularly looking back and checking what is

okay and what is not or less and doing the desired ad-

justments.

Afterwards

I talk about past joint experiences.

We talk about an event afterwards.

307

Reflecting in conversation about own and joint experi-

ences.

We discuss about experiences so we gain to learn from

them for the future.

If something went wrong, we discuss the event after-

wards, not to highlight failure, but to see how it can be

better for the future.

In conversation we use knowledge and experience infor-

mation to learn from them if possible before we or after

we do something (whether or not wrong).

Afterwards we do the discussion of an unfulfilled ap-

pointment.

Going together through a happening in a calm frame at

a later time and 'commemorating' from a more remote

perspective in order to come to terms with things, to

think differently and to regain trust in ourselves.

Afterwards we discuss the expressions through which we

had which effects on each other, in order to be able to

respond to each other more optimally and with more fa-

vourable influence.

Orienting a conversation afterwards as a conversation

beforehand to prevent a repeat of what went wrong.

Recognize the consequences of not talking and avoid

them through dialogue.

If we cannot find a solution by talking, seeing or trying,

with subsequent adjustment evaluations, we look what

another person can experience and look at this.

308

General

Ask each other useful questions during preparation, ex-

ecution and finishing.

Communicative duplication of the interaction reality and

phases.

Discussing the joint reality of interaction in conversation,

offering a focus on what is to come, intensifying the ex-

perience that is going on and enjoying or repeating look-

ing back on what is over.

If desired, respond more invitingly than in a timely man-

ner without taking initiative at the level of how to plan

something than at the level of implementation or later.

Follow up the results of previous conversations in later

conversations.

Indicate in I-terms before, during and afterwards how

you see things and want or choose for yourself, together

with clarification and explanation for the other.

What for?

Phase-specific communication is a permanent task with

several cycles that run simultaneously. Every time some-

thing requires communication, before, during and after.

Making space and time to tackle these issues continu-

ously and in parallel, can help them to achieve them.

There are two trajectories: one, this in reality and the ac-

tion in it and two, these in the fore, weather and reflec-

tion of it in communication. Sometimes the phase-spe-

cific communication will be focused on reality or dealing

309

with it, then again it will be focused on the representa-

tion of what is in reality or the handling of this represen-

tation.

Each communication phase therefore requires its own

joint attention. This joint attention that is dealt with in

communication optimizes something in reality that is

meaningful and valuable for everyone.

Where do you situate your own talk in the course of

events?

What do you think you can change in this?

310

What is it ? A good

contact with my child

What is this ? A good contact with my child

Tanja (34 yrs) – A good contact with my

child means that I can get along well with

my child. That is that quarrels

and discussions do not get in the way of a

good relationship with my child. That is

trying to get out of disputes it in such a way

that no destruc- tions are made.

Marissa (29 yrs) - I had as a child a bad relationship with

my mother. We could not talk to each other. I could ne-

ver go to my mother with anything, there was never time

to talk. I suffered a lot from that and I missed a lot. I have

planned for my children not to let it come to a repetition.

Every parent wants a good contact with his child.

What does this mean a good contact?

In which story

do you recog-

nize yourself the

most ?

build up, not

breaking down

311

We have made it a habit from the beginning to get a

good contact. We have a good and

close relationship. It can have some

troubles. We do not want to lose that

band. In this way we try to be as open

as possible to each other, so that great

tensions do not get chances and we

can stand close to each other. We are

really attached to each other, we just

can not miss each other. We also try not to have to miss

each other.

Nele (26 yrs) - For me a good contact asks simply respect

and recognition of each other. If this is there, then there

is just a good contact. That is respect

for your child and what goes on in your

child, and give your child recognition.

This has also brought your child to

know that it has respect for you and

what goes on inside you. If your child

does not accept this proposal for

respect, then you must insist that this is done as a mini-

mum. Without respect and recognition on both sides, it

just does not succeed to come to an exchange of views.

This does not mean simply agreeing, it means what so-

meone thinks, feels and wants to approach with re-

verence and give each other recognition. This also

means paying attention to what you think, feel and want

without being criticized or ignored.

close bond,

avoidance of

being on

oneself

mutual res-

pect, and re-

cognition

312

Iris (37 yrs) - We always try to do a number of things to-

gether. This way we get to know each other better, we

make time for each other and we

come closer together. Because

we are in the same situation, we can

only by working together make it us

more pleasant and easier. In this way we

are less easily separated and isola-

ted. We are used to each other and play

better in on each other. Neither my child nor myself

want to skip those moments together.

Marlies (40 yrs) - We are still trying to create a warm

nest for our children. Letting them feel that you love

them, that they are allowed to be themselves, express

your feelings for them, show your

affection and provide safety for them.

Really provide a place where they can

feel safe and can relax. Where they

can relax without not always expecting

every- thing. Rather, we try to

give a lot of information from the

meaning and value they have for us. Apparently they feel

what we offer them without any condition. In this way

we also experience a lot of affection and warmth from

them. If we address them to something, we also notice a

willingness not to disregard this just like that. They usu-

ally want to talk about how to accommodate, or make it

together-

moments

and doing

things toge-

ther

warm affec-

tion

313

clear to us that they do not want to give up solida-

rity. They tell us what makes it difficult for them, or to

which they can not answer. As long as we notice that

they do not take advantage of this, we do not drive it too

far.

Nathalie (35 yrs) - We are constantly arguing, I think. We

rarely get up to the same wavelength. Yet I notice that

my child needs a lot of support and someone who is

there for it. Just someone to tell and exchange ideas. So-

meone who helps it over the bridge

or limits it. That provides that extra

dynamic to get it in action, or to stop it, or

to protect something. No matter

how often we quibble, we try to do it

with respect for each other. I do not

bombard it with feelings of disappointment, excitement

or annoyance. I also do not accept that it blames or ac-

cuses me. By being more rational and stimulating and

not overly emotional, we usually come out. A few good

arguments and a few serious incentives, without beco-

ming emotional usually succeeds.

Sarah (42 yrs) - I remember as a child

how difficult it was at home to talk to each

other. Our mum always tried to avoid

having an open discussion or quar-

rel. We would hardly have dared to do

this

rational and

stimulating

avoid indi-

rectness

314

either. We feared that once a fight, it would no longer

come in order anymore. We had the habit of indirectly

letting each other feel everything. We were silent and

with an angry face. We escaped each other or did every-

thing in an irritating way. We pretended that the other

person did not exist or was air. We were aggravating this

harsh atmosphere until we gave each other his plea-

sure. That way we could continue to have the impression

of having good contact with each other, because every-

thing was enforced and imposed indirectly.

Julie (47 yrs) - Our children are gradually becoming older

and more independent. They are often with their friends

and talk a lot with them. Yet we notice that they often

still need to talk to us. Sometimes to share their joy and

pride. Sometimes also to be able to express their disap-

pointment and failure. Without to say so explicitly, they

sometimes want to hear from us how to respond to

something and how to deal with some-

thing. Sometimes they want confir-

mation for what they do themselves,

or support if they stand more isolated

with their friends. So you still notice

that you really need to be there.

Sometimes they doubt very much and

want a 'second opinion', or someone who finally puts

them out of a questionable choice option. Even though

you express your feelings and opinions clearly they do

point of con-

tact for child

315

not always take them into account directly, yet you no-

tice that they are still looking for you at times.

Tina (36 yrs) - Good contact is not given. It is something

that has to grow. It is important that your child feels

that what you say and do is what your child needs at a

certain moment in his or her development.

That what you offer your child, responds to

its demand for growth. Sometimes

that is more guidance if your

child does not get out of it. Sometimes

it is more space and consultation, so

that your child can find out and

learn something itself. Sometimes that is giving support

if your child does not become active or does not come

out. This way you can provide care for your child and his

or her development. The greater this success, the better

the contact with your child, we experience.

Pascal (32 yrs) - Above all, I think you need good contact

with your child to know what is going on in your child and

to have the chance to influence your

child. A good contact therefore re-

quires openness from your

child. It also means that you are also open

to your child. And that you accept both

this openness. That you do not

immediately suppress that openness. That you want to

development-

oriented

safe open-

ness

316

listen to your child who feels safe to tell you some-

thing. That you also feel free to say what you feel, think

and what you want. That you feel that your child takes

this into account. That your child does not close itself in

advance and you cause this with your overreaction.

Sven (27 yrs) - Together with my partner we always have

tried to make it clear to our children that a friendly rela-

tional arrangement is one, and our expectations are

two. We do not put the one on the slope for the

other. We do not deliver on our

expectations to secure our relation-

ship with the children. We do not

put our accepting relationship on the

slope to meet our expectations. We

feel a lot for our children, start from

who they are and are prepared to

respond to them. At the same time, we feel responsible

for their development and we want to stimulate them on

the one hand and, on the other, limit them if necessary.

Kim (29 yrs) - I try to be a modern parent. The smaller

the distance to my child, the better the contact is, I no-

tice. I do not try to prepare myself in

advance as the adult who knows it

all, and can everything and dares

everything. I try to avoid to treat my child

in a childlike manner as someone

who knows, can and dares little. This

childfriendly

relationship

proximity

through vali-

dation

317

does not mean that in order to reduce the distance, I

want to imitate my child. On the contrary, I want to raise

my child and get it closer to me. I try to involve my child

in many matters. I give answers that it needs and let my

child take care of itself as much as possible, or take care

of what it can handle. This automatically creates good

contact because the child feels addressed.

Steven (39 yrs) - From the beginning I have paid atten-

tion to creating a bond based on trust. I made my child

clear that it can always confidential

talk to me about anything. I have

made the habit of always wanting to

listen and to show always that I want to

help and support my child. That is not to

say that I admitted everything. It means

that I would never have attacked my

child, or denied. I always tried to speak to my child and

to bring something that I could not do anymore. I made

it clear to my child why it was not possible for me, and

why I also thought it was not possible for it. I talked to it

about a situation or about a behavior that was not pos-

sible and together we were looking for a change.

listening to

help

318

Gert (41 yrs) - I have a job where I have it to say. People

come for explanation and advice. I am convinced myself

that sometimes I am in danger of doing the same thing

to my children. In my work, however, I know that liste-

ning well and accurately already contains part of the ans-

wer. I try to apply this at home. Do not

immediately start responding or just ask

what you want in what way. But first

take sufficient time not only to listen to

the story but also to the story behind the

story. What it means to them, how

they see it themselves, where

they want to go, what it's all about. Only then in their

meaning and on their size exactly saying what is in front

of you and how you perceive it. This way you can be clear

at the same time without having to come out of the cor-

ner. To follow them for what it can, adjust them for what

is needed. I then ask them what to do about this them-

selves and to look for ways to change. I then try to be

careful not to take over too many of them and fill it for

them. If not, a unilateral relationship arises.

Pieter (36 yrs) - What we have tried to make a habit of is

that there are no things between us and no things that

remains stuck between us, so that we

don’t have still trouble meeting each

other. This is how we try to clarify and

talk out as many things as possible. That

way our relationship can stay

to involve

clear up obs-

tacles

319

good. Our relationship is too important to put it at risk

for something that comes between us. This way our child

can really go in against us. We then want to know at a

more quiet moment afterwards what went wrong, what

the reason was, whether the child would continue to do

so. We also want to talk about our disappointment and

our anger with the experienced refusal, so that these

feelings can fade away after we have been able to talk

with words. Recently we had a discussion point where

we still have not a resolution for. We agreed to let it rest

for a while because it was too sensitive on both sides.

Neither wanted to meet the other. By building a brea-

ther and let it rest for a while, it can allow us to talk again

and to get along well again.

Vincent (28 yrs) - I have always found that

you can only rely on realities and build

on them. Likewise, I find this in

contact with my child. As soon as you do

not have an eye for the reality of your

child: who your child is, what your child

does, what your child expresses of what

goes on in it and lifes, you create distance. Distance to

your child and distance in talking together. This also ap-

plies to your own reality: who you are, how you react to

your child and what you experience with your child and

his actions. Also having to keep this reality nearby in you

talking together. Sometimes this can be hard, but at the

true-to-life

communica-

tion

320

same time it creates clarity and gives a grip. In your con-

tact you are close to reality and this provides security for

your further contact. You do not let your child fantasize

endlessly to react negatively to this. You yourself do not

cherish irrealistic ideas and expectations to confront

your child in your contact with your disappointments

and reproach. You talk together and reality goes hand in

hand.

What about good parent-child contact?

For this you will find a number of testimonials from pa-

rents that indicate what is good contact for them and

how they try to achieve and maintain this.

The testimonies show that they usually put something

central. Good contact implies this or that. This or that is

a sign or proof of good contact. If this is missing, there is

no good contact, or no longer a good contact.

In the testimonies it can also be found that the parents

indicate in which way a good contact can be made, or

how it can be sought to keep it. Along this road or that

way you reach or maintain good contact. If this route or

approach is not followed, then no good contact is

created, or it is no longer possible.

Good contact is thus equated with this and in this way.

In achieving good contact, parents also try to involve

their children. They try in one way or another to make

321

clear to their child what good contact specifically

means. They also try to activate their child to choose and

use this way and manner to make this good contact pos-

sible. If you do this, we will come to a good contact,

which means this.

Parents do this by model, by encouragement, by their

explanation and directions, by discouraging the other, by

support, sometimes by imposing and enforcing it. The

way in which they approach this can then be a sign of

how good contact is obtained for them.

Of course, for parents a good contact can involve several

elements at the same time, with multiple ways to reach

it. This makes the contact qualitatively richer.

Parents attach great importance to good contact. It must

allow more and positive influence on their child and on

each other. It must also guarantee its continuity. If good

contact disappears, or if it is absent, much is immediately

not possible. Distance creates a lot of problems,

proximity can solve them. What that proximity then

looks like, every parent tries it his own way, taking into

account his child and himself.

What can be central, among other things, is:

close bond, avoidance of being on oneself

warm affection

322

mutual respect, and recognition

together-moments and doing things together

safe openness

proximity through validation

build up, not breaking down

listening to help

to involve

clear up obstacles

rational and stimulating

avoid indirectness

true-to-life communication

childfriendly relationship

development-oriented

point of contact for child

Name it key concepts around which the parent and child

come into contact. Sometimes the parent is more aware

of this and may name these key concepts as keywords.

Most of the time, however, they are implicit and are ea-

sier for others to draw their attention to.

In which story do you recognize yourself best ?

Tell your own story below if you would like :

Which implicit key concepts or explicit keywords are cen-

tral in this?

323

Containment

and holding

in parenting

Containment and holding are concepts that belong to

care in a therapeutic environment. In an ordinary educa-

tional environment, preference is given to terms such as

sensitivity and responsiveness in order to indicate how

parents can deal with their child, especially during the

first years of development.

Sensitivity means to perceive the feelings and need sig-

nals of a child in a timely manner and to interpret them

correctly, in such a way that you are responsive or, in

other words, the child can be responded appro-

priately. This does not always mean giving in to your

child, but by taking a good level of what is going on in

your child and expressing it, responding better to your

Children may need someone who knows their emoti-

ons and can provide the necessary support and pro-

tection.

324

child. For example, your child wants you to take some-

thing over because it is too difficult, or too much. Or your

child wants you to encourage it, or just help it for a while.

Especially sensitive children or children who are con-

fronted with pronounced or long-term stress often need

a supportive environment. An environment that not

only identifies the feelings and need signals present in

such an environment but is also willing and able to offer

this comprehensive (containment) and supportive (hol-

ding) environment. An incomprehension, ignoring or re-

jecting surrounding of the present feelings and needs

and attendant thoughts can only make it worse for the

child, because the sensitivity and the tension then incre-

ase. The child experiences only to stand alone for some-

thing that it can not do alone. Containment can then be

seen as a special form of emotional attunement. Emo-

tional attunement that every child asks for, but some

children or in some circumstances more. Holding is clo-

sely linked to containment and can be seen primarily as

support, making itself available and reassuringly present,

so that can be returned within protective boundaries.

It is important for the child that a parent manifests him-

self as a safe attachment figure. As someone who offers

safety by absorbing tension and transforming it into pro-

cessable parts and responding adequately to the signals

from the child. And the child is not overwhelmed and

325

burdened with own feelings from his own needs. By of-

fering containment and holding the child can develop a

positive sense of self and start seeing the world as a safe

and reliable place. This lays the foundation for an attach-

ment relationship because children start to attach them-

selves to the source of this safety and to those who pay

attention to their needs.

Specifically, a parent who for children who are confron-

ted with intense feelings, knows how to reach out to the

child without being confused, who recognizes and un-

derstands the child in his feelings, and thus learns the

child how to deal with them. In this way the parent

knows how to offer a way that the child can learn step

by step. This way the child can develop an internal wor-

king model on this basis in order to deal with himself and

his environment. Validation by the environment of the

child's feelings is necessary in order to develop trust in

the attachment figures and also to develop trust in

oneself. The attachment figure appears as someone who

is capable of emotional containment. The model of this

attachment figure allows the child to develop an identity

that is capable of emotion containment.

Providing security can exist in watching as a parent with

the child to what has happened and what it has genera-

ted in feelings, thoughts and needs in the child. Knowing

these feelings, thoughts and needs makes it possible to

influence and regulate them. What has happened is

326

fixed, how it is dealt with can be changed. As a parent

you can present an affective experience of the child to

him or her in a bearable and processable form.

It is also important to be able to see the child and his

feelings in isolation from his own emotions as parent. So

that the child does not appear as threatening or dis-

ruptive. This way the image of the child and his feelings

can be accurately represented, as well as what is mea-

ningful and relevant for the child. If, as a parent, you do

not want to notice certain feelings and dismiss them as

nagging or attention seeking because they appear to be

threatening to you, you may well miss out on justified

signals and needs. Or if, as a parent, you pay excessive

attention to feelings because you have become uncer-

tain, justified signals and needs are needless reinforced.

If the child follows the parent in this, it will set away his

feelings as a grumbling and not relevant, or the child will

strengthen his feelings as a threat and will not know how

to take these away. The own past as a parent to suppress

feelings or to be overwhelmed by them continues to play

a role in this. The personal attachment safety that was

experienced or lacked as a child may be at the basis here.

To summarize : Containment means to respond calmly

and confidently to the child's existing tension, anger, ex-

citement and fear, without becoming tense, angry, exci-

ted or anxious. As a parent, you act as a container or 'co-

327

holder' who opens up to the feelings, thoughts and needs

of the child, without judging them, but presents them as

processable pieces so that they can be better tolerated

and understood. In this way you offer a comprehensive

and enveloping environment and you ensure an environ-

ment that provides a secure environment. A 'holding en-

vironment' or protective environment according to Win-

nicotthat who devised this concept, characterized by ac-

ceptance, understanding, support, tolerance and con-

trol. According to Bion, who invented the concept of con-

tainment, every development takes place in the interplay

of something that is included with something that en-

compasses it. Both undergo hereby a change.

As a parent you can sometimes also feel the need for so-

meone who knows how to contain feelings of unrest, an-

ger, excitement or fear (containment) and can offer you

the experience of being seen and heard, understood and

supported (holding). This can make it better to be able

to offer a containment and holding environment for the

own child. You can not expect this understanding and

support from your child which should not be appropri-

ate. Your partner, or another adult, possibly a care pro-

vider, may be able to help with this. In doing so, they can

ask and look for a healthy balance between support and

autonomy. From experienced understanding and sup-

port, parents can then use existing and found powers in

themselves. In a holding environment, parents try to

keep emotions that are activated in themselves under

328

control, emotions such as excitement, anger, fear, impa-

tience and disappointment. They try to offer a reliable

supply of trust and confirmation in a stable, affective cli-

mate.

As a child you may need containment as a result of the

pronounced and difficult to bear emotional con-

tent. Specifically, this can take the form of a need for so-

meone who knows how to emotionally tune in to the

child and his/her experience, who tries to understand

what goes on in the child and tries to bring this back into

the child's own language, so that contact and communi-

cation becomes possible, as well as mental awareness

and verbalization. The holding that is offered here, holds

a grip, which means predictability, reliability and stead-

fastness.

In this way babies and very young children can be

overwhelmed by powerful feelings of frustration, dis-

pleasure, despair, anger and fear. Because of their limi-

ted development, these feelings can overwhelm them

and are incomprehensible to them. Containment then

asks for competence as a parent to absorb and regulate

these powerful feelings so that the child can safely

discharge them. Holding asks for competence as a pa-

rent to know the position of the child and to keep uncer-

tainties and powerful feelings in the hand, so that the

child can feel that someone will be there when neces-

sary, both physically and emotionally. The emotional

329

availability of the parent allows the child to discover the

present needs behind his experienced and expressed

emotions. His anger is then a need for help for expe-

rienced difficulties. His excitement then proves a need to

get change going, without knowing how. His fear then

means a need for more security and support, or wanting

to take a distance. The protective care of the parent

guarantees the child the safety it needs. The physical

touches communicate to the child the present affec-

tion. Being emotionally present gives the child comfort

when in fear or in tension and let knows how to temper

the feelings.

Once the child is familiar with language, parents can con-

cretely help to identify the feelings, thoughts and needs

the child has to deal with, so that they can get a name

and the child can learn to talk and think about them and

thus achieve more understanding and order in what is

initially unclear and confusing. Parents can also help the

child to name their reaction tendencies and reactions so

that the child can gain more sight and insight into how

things are handled. From here it can eventually discover

and try out other possibilities with the help of pa-

rents. Thus, when the child is panicked, or furious, or

helpless, with help by naming what is happening within

itself, the child can gain more insight into what is happe-

ning and with help by means of knowing how to deal

with this, looking for alternatives.

330

Containment and a holding environment must thus en-

sure safety, stability and protection for the child. A con-

text in which can be taken note from one's own expe-

rience and reaction, which must allow reflection and

promote growth. A context that also allows the child to

temporarily fold back and, if necessary, fall back without

being rejected or criticized. The comprehensive support

can help to get faster and better over something.

All children may need containment and holding when

confronted with emotions. Some children and in some

circumstances children will need this more. It is then im-

portant to be able to meet this.

Sensitive parents will then notice the need for contain-

ment of their child. If they are also responsive, they will

give an answer to the current need for holding of their

child. This without provoking or perpetuating these

needs.

Noted need for containment of my child:

Meeting need for holding of my child:

Bion , WR (1961). Experiences in groups.London:

Tavistock.

331

Winnicot , DW (1984). The child, the family and the out-

side world. Middlesex : Pinguin Books.

332

From co-regulation

to self-regulation

The what and why of co-regulation

A child can not do anything at birth without the help of

an adult. A child at birth knows nothing at all about how

to deal with something. At the same time, the child has

to deal with many needs from birth, such as body tem-

perature, food, sleep, safety and predictability. These

needs arise when looking for an optimum, not too cold

or too hot, not hungry or thirsty, but also no over-satu-

ration, no stress and insecurity, but also no apathy or

flight. This optimum is often a balance between too little

and too much. No panicking, but also no absence or bloc-

king, in case of stress for example.

Adults play through the interactive process of co-re-

gulation an essential role in shaping and supporting

self-regulatory development of the child.

Self-regulation as the skill to get grip on emotions,

needs and behavior and to guide them.

333

Even if the child grows up, it will face new tasks and chal-

lenges, where the child can not handle it alone and does

not know how to deal with it or cope with it. Even then,

adults will be needed to help the child and show the way

to meet the needs or expectations that are present. How

to finally reach an optimum or balance. The concept of

adjustment refers to an optimal or balanced regulation.

The concept also involves adjustment with others who

are responsible for an optimal or balanced regulation.

For what the child does not know how to regulate, adults

will be required to regulate it together with the child for

the part that the child can not yet manage. Where self-

regulation is not yet possible, there is a need for co-re-

gulation. This co-regulation is then a step or condition

for self-regulation. Read more about self-regulation in

the theme sections 'Self-regulation. The development of

more self' and 'Emotion- and self-regulation' of this en-

cyclopedia.

Also the child is not unconcerned in co-regulation. It tries

with its expression and reaction to indicate exactly what

it needs on the part of adults. It not only makes clear his

needs, but also his expectations how to meet them.

334

The importance of the cognitive in co-regulation

In co-regulation, the adults use their own developed cha-

racteristic cognitive schemes. On the basis of this, they

offer the child experiences that should lead to the deve-

lopment of his own cognitive schemes. The parents, for

example, will themselves notice the signs of hunger in

their child, they will interpret these signs as hunger or a

shortage of nutrients and they will feed the child as a

way to respond to hunger and to satisfy it. Gradually,

the child can discover for himself which signals indicate

hunger, state the body condition as hunger and look for

what can satisfy the hunger, as previously the adults did

for him or her. In this way the child comes from co-regu-

lation to self-regulation, which concerns hunger and fee-

ding. So regulation is also described as managing

thoughts and feelings to enable targeted actions.

All this indicates that the quality of parent-child interac-

tion contributes to the development of self-regulation

ánd cognitive development. Within a secure bond, the

way is open for a positive sense of self.

Adjustment of co-regulation

The graph below shows the decreasing proportion of co-

regulation and the increasing share of self-regulation

throughout the different stages of development, from

birth to adulthood:

335

During the development of the child, there are two peri-

ods in which self-regulation makes great progress, espe-

cially in early childhood and in adolescence. This is ac-

companied by maturation and development of networks

in the brain.

Therefore, although all children, young people and

young adults need support for co-regulation, there are

differences between individuals in self-regulating capa-

city and need for co-regulation support. They can be ba-

sed on internal factors such as aptitude and tempera-

ment. They can also be related to environmental factors,

such as experiences with stress and adversity.

Children, adolescents and young adults with self-regula-

tion problems due to internal or environmental factors

may exhibit more sensitive neurological responses to in-

terpersonal and environmental stimuli and may require

336

greater support, skills and coaching. They can be more

easily overwhelmed by physical sensations such as

sound, touch, sight and emotions, and probably also

have strong reactions to this. There is then a need for

effective co-regulation, including the presence of a sup-

portive care provider in a quiet environment that creates

space in which can start learning self-regulating skills.

You can read more about this in the theme section 'Brain

functioning and relational injuries' of this encyclopedia.

According to recent American research, strengthening of

self-regulation in childhood can improve resilience in la-

ter life. The strengthening of the research focused on

building skills in youth, improving parental emotional

support, encouraging communication between parents

and children and helping children set future goals. This

resulted in stronger connections in the form of more in-

teractions between the hippocampus and prefrontal

cortex, areas involved in memory and decision making. It

also meant fewer behavioral problems, from agression

to temperament. This research showed that strengthe-

ning the self-regulation skills of children and supporting

parenting have a positive effect on resilience in later life.

The well-known concept of scaffolding from Vygotsky

comes close to co-regulation. In this context there is a

zone of near development, within which the scaffolding

or declining support and counseling aid takes place. This

zone is located between the developed zone and the

337

zone that can not yet be developed. In the developed

zone there is what the child already can do and there is

self-regulation, in the zone of near development there is

what the child can do with decreasing help and there is

co-regulation, finally in the not yet for development ac-

cesible zone, there is what the child can not do with help,

and in the logic used here is a other- regulation or full co-

regulation. You can read more about this in the theme

section 'Scaffolding, activating help' of this encyclopedia.

Four modes of co-regulation

There are four ways in which parents or other caregivers

can provide support that can help the child develop self-

regulatory skills and meet more complex regulatory

needs as self-regulation increases.

1. Ensure a warm, responsive relationship by offering

care and affection; by recognizing and responding to sig-

nals that indicate needs and wishes; and by providing ca-

ring support in moments of stress.

Research by the University of Amsterdam shows that pa-

rents who constantly put themselves in their child's

shoes contribute strongly to his emotion regulation.

Mind-minded parents always think about which autono-

mous feelings, thoughts, wishes and preferences of their

baby can explain his behavior. As a result, they are more

able to respond sensitively to the signals of their baby.

338

Their words better translate their baby's inner state so

that they fit in well with his behavior. For example, pa-

rents can help to co-regulate the baby's internal expe-

riences so that the baby learns not to experience emoti-

ons as overwhelming and overwhelming, but rather as

manageable. This co-regulation of parent and baby can

slowly develop into self-regulation.

Through communication, word and deed, interest in the

world of the child, respect for the child and an uncondi-

tional positive appreciation, a strong relationship can be

built up.

2. Structuring the environment in order to make self-re-

gulation accessible and provide a buffer against environ-

mental stressors. A physically and emotionally safe envi-

ronment that allows exploring and learning at his or her

level of development without risk to one's own well-be-

ing.

Promoting a sense of security through consistent and

predictable routines, including through clear goals for

behavioral regulation and definite logical consequences

for negative behavior.

3. Teaching and coaching self-regulation skills through

modeling, instruction, practice opportunities, high-

lighting skills and strengthening every step towards suc-

cessful use of skills.

339

Coaching first in learning skills and then provide the ne-

cessary support or scaffolding, for self-regulation at the

appropriate time.

4. As adults, focus on their own capacity for self-regula-

tion and optimization. Attention can be paid to feelings

and reactions during stressful interactions with the child.

This way attention can be paid to own thoughts and be-

liefs about child behavior. This way you can use strate-

gies to effectively relax and respond empathetically.

Such as deep breathing and self-talk, for example 'I do

not let myself get excited', 'I had worse times with it'. By

staying calm yourself you avoid escalation and can be a

model for your child. If necessary, family or friends can

help with support, exercise and coaching, to build your

own coping and calm down skills.

Co-regulation in different development phases

Co-regulation as a supporting process from parent to

child is different in each development phase as the

child's self-regulation increases.

Babies need adults who are responsible for their physical

needs from feeding to body temperature and the ma-

nagement of environmental stimuli. Infants react physi-

cally to stimuli around them, with little ability to change

their experience. They need adults who are sensitive to

their needs and who, due to their soothing presence,

340

meet their unease. For example, by comforting them or

removing environmental stressors.

Toddlers gradually acquire motor and language skills that

allow them to get a grip on their environment. However,

there are still distinct emotions and reactions that trans-

cend their developing skills. Caregivers can start with a

targeted model for skills, such as postponing satisfaction

and starting to teach them. They can teach them using

simple words to express needs. Adults are still responsi-

ble for a safe and manageable environment and for com-

fort and reassurance when they become stressed.

Preschoolers experience rapid growth in areas of the

brain linked with self-regulation. This development ma-

kes them much more willing to learn and use self-regu-

lation skills. This is the ideal time for caregivers to learn

such as emotional identification, problem solving, per-

spective and calming strategies. Children will need a sub-

stantial repetition, incentive and exercise to use these

new skills. Modeling these skills is also important,

because children have to look at how to behave and res-

pond. Co-regulation in this phase involves learning in a

powerful way and clearly communicating behavior and

natural and logical consequences. As in the previous de-

velopment traineeships, infants still need structured and

predictable environments and warm and responsive

care providers that provide a supportive context for

practicing new skills.

341

Learning requires the development of self-regulation

Self-regulation, in the form of a cognitive ability to regu-

late one's own thoughts and behavior by inhibiting or

controlling impulsive responses, remembering and pro-

cessing information, as well as being able to maintain

and shift attention focus. Self-regulation is necessary to

focus on and solve problems, as well as to plan and carry

out tasks. Self-regulation is also important for the deve-

lopment of social skills, such as when playing and inter-

acting with other children, as well as for developing

school skills such as learning to read, write and solve

math problems. A child needs self-regulation to maneu-

ver in a complex world and take advantage of the lear-

ning opportunities around it.

Children's home environments can enhance their ability

to regulate their own behavior. However, experiencing a

lack of structure, a chaotic or a stressful home situation

can hinder the development of self-regulation. The

school can then give children the opportunity to develop

self-regulation. All children have the potential for this.

Many studies have been conducted in the United States

showing a link between self-regulation and academic

skills. For example, a link was found between self-regu-

lation and literacy and between self-regulation and rea-

ding and math skills when children go to first grade. Self-

342

regulation is thus important in learning new skills and ac-

quiring new knowledge, especially when a learning task

is difficult. Once a skill has been automated, self-regula-

tion should then be applied less.

It turned out that children's vocabulary is predictive of

their self-regulation in the first year, but not the other

way around. The promotion of language is such an im-

portant tool to enable children to develop their self-re-

gulation. In this way they can regulate their behavior

through the use of their inner language.

In primary school age children gain more control over

their attention, emotions and behavior. They have a gro-

wing ability to control their impulses and slow down sa-

tisfaction, and they are aware of their thought proces-

ses, emotions and decision-making. It is a relatively sta-

ble period in their development that provides ample op-

portunity to instruct and guide them in the use of self-

regulatory skills. The provided co-regulation helps to im-

prove and refine their skills in the run-up to increasing

expectations in adolescence.

In adolescence, the brain is in full development which en-

tails both benefits and challenges for self-regulation. Ini-

tially, brain systems that process and seek rewards are

more developed than the cognitive control systems that

are responsible for good decision making and future

343

planning. This means that adolescents initially opt for

short-term incentives rather than long-term benefits,

and their emotions strongly influence their decisions. In

order to avoid negative consequences in the long term

the supportive input of adults remains necessary. Ado-

lescents take more distance during their development

and seek more independence, yet a warm and accepting

relationship with a caring adult remains important.

Adolescents need adults who can listen supportively

when dealing with strong emotions, providing space and

support to settle down in conflict, and coping skills

to handle stressful situations. Likewise, they need care-

givers to monitor their actions, protect them from dan-

gerous situations and offer support for responsible choi-

ces. For example, adolescents sometimes realize what is

harmful to them, but their self-regulating skills can not

always stop them. In doing so, they need experiences to

develop good self-regulation. Meaningful social inter-

actions and pleasant activities can so contribute to the

development of skills that are the basis of self-regula-

tion.

This means a pronounced acceleration in the increase of

self-regulating skills in adolescence. Yet self-regulation

skills are only fully developed in late adolescence or

young adulthood.

344

This is not always so straightforward and does not always

go in the desired way. Recent international research at

the University of Zurich, for example, has shown that

girls with problematic social behavior are characterized

by reduced brain activity in the prefrontal and temporal

brain regions that are responsible for cognitive control.

They also show weaker connectivity between brain re-

gions that are relevant to emotion regulation and cogni-

tive control. This study offers for the first time a neuro-

biological explanation for difficulties in managing emoti-

ons.

How further ?

Indicate for yourself the what and how of the co-regula-

tion.

Indicate for yourself how you can optimize the offered co-

regulation.

Indicate for your child the what and how of the self-regu-

lation.

345

Indicate for your child how you can optimize the present

self-regulation.

Rosanbalm, K.D., & Murray, D.W. (2017). Caregiver Co-

regulation Across Development: A Practice Letter. OPRE

Letter # 2017-80. Washington, DC: Office of Planning,

Research, and Evaluation, Administration for Children

and Families, US. Department of Health and Human Ser-

vices. https://www.acf.hhs.gov/opre/resource/co-regu-

lation-from-birth-through-young-adulthood-a-practice-

brief

346

Deconstruction and

construction in paren-

ting

Changes can occur by working on things that are con-

nected, in particular by changing these connections. This

way the connections can be loosened or other connec-

tions can be found. Or connections can be adjusted or

things can be added. Or another arrangement may still

be sought between the connections. Several of these

change processes can go hand in hand.

In order for these connections to change in reality or in

a person's behavior, it is first and foremost advisable to

change them on a mental level. What you think and how

you think about something.

Deconstruction is separating in our thoughts what

should better be not together.

Construction is bringing together in mind what

helps and offers opportunities.

347

Deconstruction means to seperate things that are con-

nected to each other, but which are not very helpful and

work restricting, so that a new combination becomes

possible.

Construction means to connect things that are not con-

nected to each other, whereby a possibly existing limita-

tion can be overcome and more helpful possibilities

could be tried out. It is not so much about what is right,

or who is right, but about what works, is usable and

creates opportunities.

an example :

expressing criticism does not automatically or necessarily

mean

.. scold ..

.. breaking down your child ..

.. make your child responsible ..

expressing criticism is possibly also

.. quietly formulate what it is about ..

.. show respect for your child and indicate with what you

did not agree ..

.. indicate with what you have difficulty yourself ..

By making connections different or making other con-

nections, you will achieve more optimal conversation

and behavioral interaction with your child. In this way

connections can also be made that better serve your set-

348

up and goals and help you, rather than limit and hinder

you.

an example :

I as a parent does not automatically or necessarily mean

.. I figure myself away ..

.. I do not want to hurt my child ..

.. I do not want to ruin the pleasant atmosphere ..

being a parent can also be like that

.. I will not let myself down ...

.. express your appreciation for your child's proposal

and indicate that you had formed a different vision ..

.. consultation can also be done in a pleasant way

not to bring tensions or shouts with it ..

The problematic conversation and behavioral interac-

tion can be exchanged for a healthy conversation and

behavioral interaction with your child.

another example :

friendly interaction with your child is not automatic or ne-

cessary

.. do everything together ..

.. the same thinking ..

.. have the same taste and preference ..

friendly association with your child is possibly also

349

... what you do better together do together, what better

off for every one does it alone ...

.. you may have your own thought, which is not critized ..

.. discover and exchange together in which your taste and

your preference is different ..

a final example:

succeeding as a parent does not mean self-evident

.. the acquisition of power ..

.. have the material equipment for saying ..

.. winning of your child ..

succeeding as a parent can also be done by

.. the acquisition of influence ..

.. making available material possibilities ..

.. winning the child for you ..

With the first connections you stand as a parent against

your child, with the second connections you are concer-

ned as parent with your child.

Causal connections

Things are often connected to each other that do not

really or not have much to do with each other. For

example, as a parent, you can help your child with fixed

opinions and lasting feeling by opening up causalities

and constructing new connections.

350

some examples :

being sympathetic can be for your child

.. being fashionable ..

.. being spontaneous ..

.. look cool ..

Being bullied can be according to your child

.. do not agree with others ..

.. not participating with others ..

.. don't look cool ...

being accepted can, according to your child, be associa-

ted with

.. lucky that others like you ..

.. always depend on others ..

.. you adapt to others ..

Causes are sometimes attributed to immutable things

and things outside themselves, so that you can not take

part in them yourself.

an example :

young people with social problems attribute this to fac-

tors other than those who succeed socially. Those who

experience social problems often attribute their failures

to their own unchangeable causes such as personality

(introvert, shy, ...) or low social skills (difficult to express,

do not know how to make friends, ...) en attributes their

351

successes mostly to non-changeable characteristics of

others (is sweet, is not hostile, ...) or luck or coincidence.

Those who do not have problems usually attribute suc-

cess to their own changeable elements, such as commit-

ment and approach. Making a different look at the ori-

gin, could therefore already make a big difference in

own initiative and give a chance in itself.

Things are also rightly or wrongly connected to each

other and thus reflect a causal chain effect and possibly

also a circular effect. Often, however, one does not

come that far.

an example of causal chain effect:

why did it fail? (it is ... a possible conversation, a task, a

discussion, a collaboration, ...)

it failed because I was nervous

why were you nervous?

I was nervous because I feared to fail

why did you fear to fail?

I feared to fail because I thought I could not

why did you think you could not?

I thought I could not because it failed the last time

why did you remember that it failed the last time?

I remembered my failure because I keep looking at

something from my experience

why did you watch from your experience?

because I observed myself

352

why did you observe yourself?

I observed myself because it threatened to fail

why did it threaten to fail?

it threatened to fail because I was nervous ...

an example of circular effect:

why do you annoy your friend?

I'm annoying my friend because he's annoying me

why does your friend annoy you?

my friend is annoying me because I'm annoying him

why do you annoy your friend? ...

Or still a consequence is interpreted as cause or a too

small fragment of the cause-effect chain is taken.

an example :

Why are you so alone here?

I am here so alone because they want to bully me and

because they are real bullies

The plague setting is described here as the cause for the

consequences of exclusion. Bullying can also be descri-

bed as a result of another cause, such as an underlying

territory, identity or social power struggle.

an example :

why are they bullying you?

they bully me because I can not just be excluded, I urge

myself, I do not let others talk, I demand that they follow

353

my proposals, I ask them about their plans, I want to

know everything about them.

My own actions are also involved in the development of

bullying behavior and I can do something more about

this.

Another and second causal thinking may lead to a diffe-

rent perspective that allows you to change your actions,

which is difficult if you do not change your idea. This

other thinking can be characterized by being more rea-

listic, more nuanced and more reasonable, allowing you

to see your share more accurately. Putting the origin

outside of yourself for things you now take for your own

account. Then once again placing the origin within your-

self, for things that you now place outside yourself. Then

once again placing the origin inside and outside yourself,

for things that you now only see outside or inside your-

self, so not feeding each other. To change the other per-

son is not possible or not easy, but you can change

yourself. Only you do not get easy through this emo-

tionally and you have to allow it yourself. You wonder

what your goal is, how you work towards it, what you

have to change or allow yourself to do.

an example :

currently just about everyone leaves me behind

So I intend to have a good contact with at least one per-

son at the end of a certain period. I radiate this desire and

354

work in my expression and act accordingly. What does

not work, I leave. I try out what helps me a step closer. I

try to learn from what goes a step backwards. I do not

allow my actions to be determined by the negativity of

the others to me. In this way I give access to myself and I

attract others by at least my constructive and not conti-

nuous defensive attitude.

another example :

I have always had a hard time finding a connection with

a group

I always do my best to be accepted and do not dare to do

anything that would endanger this, even though I have

to do things that I do not fully support. I feel very depen-

dent on others and would like to change this.

I imagine offering myself what I offer to others : such as

appreciating myself, following myself, accepting who I

am, resolving what does not help me and stopping me

from not taking it up for myself, keeping what I want as

individuality, paying attention to myself, letting myself

know, leading to myself, support and defend myself and

challenge what I do not agree with. In this way I hope to

express myself more clearly and to stand stronger and

not to suffer without defense and not to be someone who

I am not.

355

Another possibility is to challenge the obviousness of the

(causal) connections : do they have consequences or ef-

fects? also in the longer term? what side effects or other

consequences? commitment-result ratio? which mis-

match scores and exceptions? which alternatives lead to

the same result? Through a more realistic, nuanced and

fact-based view know how to relativate and get out of

rigid coupling and look for other possible more loose

connections with the same result.

A final option is to make cause and effect interchan-

geable via a larger circle.

an example :

agressive behavior is often seen as the cause of much

mischief, but rarely as a result of something that pre-

ceded and rarely seen as an expression of a state percei-

ved to be tense.

Very often then this agression is discussed as a cause,

but the agression is not seen as a result and expres-

sion. In the first case, the agressor must be tackled, and

in the second case that what caused the agression in the

agressor. By taking the circle larger the cause and effect

are interchangeable.

one last example:

those who bully are often spared by peers, but not always

liked. By adults, those who bully are usually dealt with,

356

and not at all liked. His bullying behavior is seen as the

cause for the suffering someone inflicted. The bully is

then labeled as perpetrator who victimizes someone. Re-

search shows that bullies are also often victims in their

wider environment. Their unpleasant behavior is often

the result of the harsh and unethical approach of their

environment and the problems they themselves expe-

rience. For example, a recent Finnish study shows that

girls in particular suffer from a poor self-esteem and

school fatigue and some show depressions and suicidal

tendencies. Feeling unwell in their living environment

that tries to keep prevalence and does not always under-

stand and help them sufficiently, can make themselves

feel victim, which is reflected in the biting off of peers and

the right to be equally hard for others like those others

are to them.

Here again, finally, cause and effect are interchangeable

by enlarging the image. Viewed from here, bullies have

the same right to and need for emotional and social help

as their victims. Help that is still given too little, from a

moral standpoint and not from a process-based attitude.

357

Hey,

As a parent you notice now and then or

more regularly, that your way of doing

towards your child has little or no re-

sult.

You may be easily disappointed, or

slightly angry, or excited, you may also

become frightened or somewhat inse-

cure.

358

You are not easily inclined to deal with

it differently, you may feel a tendency

to tighten. Stand on your point. Stay

with you.

Yet you can sometimes notice that

your feeling and your thinking are an

additional difficulty in something. A

stand in the way of change that is just

needed to get out of the impasse.

359

One thing has often become clear is that

you can not just change your son or

daughter, that you can not directly influ-

ence him or her.

It is worth trying to try out how discon-

necting your feelings and judgment in

something and looking for new connec-

tions can trigger change processes.

360

Not just a simple matter. To overcome

your feeling and value judgment. But

one that can offer new perspectives for

yourself and your son or daughter.

What you do have in control is to

change your own feeling and thinking

about something with your child, by let-

ting go of something and connecting

something else.

361

Subgroup formation

Wherever people live together, it can be established that

group relationships arise. These groupings provide stabi-

lity, security, safety, understanding, support, help, reco-

gnisability, recognition, appreciation, influence and so

much more. Few can do without this connection. It of-

fers prevention for instability, insecurity, isolation, in-

comprehension, vulnerability, helplessness, strange-

ness, misunderstanding, worthlessness, powerlessness

and so much more.

For some, the participating to a group is the core of their

existence and their lives. They have a lot to do with

this. They therefore wish to do a lot of labor and effort

Subgroups can arise in a group.

This offers opportunities,

but at the same time involves risks.

362

to belong to such a group. Sometimes one can be part of

such a group, sometimes one will want to create such a

group. However, if the found or established groups do

not sufficiently satisfy what one needs or expects, it is

easy to find or create a subgroup that is able to provide

this sufficient.

The advantage of a subgroup is that you can find or form

a powerful group in which you can fully identify yourself

and can come into its own easily. The disadvantage of a

subgroup is, however, that not everyone in the group is

included. On the contrary, who undermines or endan-

gers what one seeks in the subgroup is easily excluded

and pushed away. The subgroup is hereby called in to

disable who is not accepted. At the most, people who do

not belong to it are used as binders from the joint strug-

gle for those who do belong.

Group formation may not be avoided. What takes place

within the subgroup is experienced as more valuable and

emotionally more positive than what falls out-

side. However, it easily results in a closed group, it makes

it not easy for the person who falls outside, it victimizes

him, it expresses everything that is less valuable and

emotionally negative and gives him little or no chance, it

introduces the conflict within the group and gives rise to

struggle and resistance, it sharpens the opposition and

the distance, it increases the mutual unwillingness and

powerlessness, it lures out what one wants to avoid.

363

There is a high risk that those who are excluded from the

group by subgroup training will resort to another pos-

sible earlier subgroup and no longer simply want to join

the current group. This is precisely why the subgroup

formation is provoked. Someone excludes himself from

the group by holding on to another subgroup.

By ensuring that everyone can belong to the group or

join him, how own or different too, effort can be made

to extend what is better or more valuable, or what feels

better and does not generate negative feelings to what

lives with each and what each needs. By inviting each

with its individuality to be part of the larger and com-

plete group relationship, looking for something that is

better and valuable can be extended to the diversity

found, so can also be found out how pleasant and not

uncomfortable with the individuality of everyone it is,

and can what is at first strange made familiar.

That this usually does not happen automatically, will of-

ten require great efforts to be satisfied with what is hap-

pening within the whole group. It will, however, be so

that everyone will show a greater willingness and com-

mitment to make this happen. After all, everyone has

the benefit of being able to find in the large group what

everybody needs.

364

In a group, natural subgroups can sometimes be recogni-

zed. Subgroups that formed a group and expanded af-

terwards. Subgroups with a great affinity with each

other, for example with a common history. They are of-

ten subgroups with an openness to the larger whole of

the group and an involvement with it. These subgroups,

no matter how large the inner coherence, feel enrolled

in the larger whole. They use their strength for broader

participation and not for isolation of themselves or the

group environment. These subgroups can at most be dis-

tinguished.

The drama in organized subgroup formation is often that

everyone tries to find shelter within a subgroup because

one can not up against or is afraid of the observed or as-

sumed subgroups. For example, one subgroup provokes

the further formation of other subgroups. For example,

everyone is looking for support and strength in a sub-

group and it is gradually becoming necessary to secure

the buffer that it can offer. That group fragmentation

can easily form the breeding ground for conflicts and

struggle is then built into the group division. In order not

to be excluded one seeks to belong somewhere. This,

however, triggers the spiral of exclusion. Who belongs

to where and who does not is then precisely selected

and decided. Whoever falls outside should only count

on little attention and care. It is already difficult enough

to pay attention and care to those who are part of the

demanding subgroup.

365

Those who want to be part of a non-natural subgroup

are often subject to a number of conditions, require-

ments, expectations and obligations. These do not al-

ways match those who sought contact with the sub-

group, possibly because of age, advanced development,

skills and experience. For example, someone is some-

times used, or misused, and his own personality and

development are, to a greater or lesser extent, compro-

mised. Being part of the subgroup is then possible at the

expense of itself and its growth. In extreme cases this

can take the form of giving up his individuality to merge

with the subgroup. The own boundary then disappears

and coincides with the subgroup. From that unit the pre-

vious individual limits are ignored and exceeded. It can

range from pronounced interference to takeover.

If a family wants as a group a chance again for openness,

supporting and reinforcing each other, unity, friendship,

solidarity, closeness, familiarity, understanding, equa-

lity, individuality, feelings of relaxation and feelings of af-

fection, then work will have to be done of global group

formation with reduction of the closed subgroup forma-

tion. Contact, communication and interaction will have

to be found and found with everyone who is part of the

family group. Certainly initially not an easy task, which

can only progressively start a spiral of mutual rapproche-

ment and finding each other. A process of letting go per-

haps too safe subgroups with insecurity to the outside

and looking for a less secure group with less insecurity to

366

the outside, an outside that gradually disappears. A

group where each is valued less for its value in use, but

more for its value of being and its input.

These processes of subgroup formation can now also be

recognized in the family as a group. Besides the natural

subgroup formation of parents as partners with an open

orientation, and of brothers and sisters as children with

a reinforcing influence, subgroup formation with a clo-

sed character and a weakening effect externally can be

recognized. So can an adult or child be excluded from a

subgroup, or can an adult or child be attracted to a sub-

group. Disunity, hostility, isolation, distance, strange-

ness, unfamiliarity, incomprehension, inferiority, loss of

identity, feelings of tension and feelings of disgust are

lurking. What one actually wanted to avoid by resorting

to a subgroup, is precisely the breeding ground for

this. More and more the effect of this negative spiral is

being felt in contradictions and mutual conflict. The risk

is then real that who is excluded seeks refuge in an ear-

lier, for example familial, subgroup or forms a subdivi-

sion, for example a non-natural coalition, and no longer

wishes to participate or join the larger family group.

367

Indicate as a parent for your child(ren) the applicable

group classification :

open group

368

open subgroup

369

closed subgroup

370

Appeal which parts

and sides ?

Idea 1:

A child has all the qualities, feelings and reactions in

itself. It is only which ones are addressed and expres-

sed. What inner part of the child is addressed.

Example:

A child can potentially be both friendly and unfriendly, it

can develop feelings of trust but also of distrust, it can

cooperate and act against someone. A certain approach

from outside or a self-determined objective can make the

Each of us has parts that can become active and

sides that can be addressed.

How do these parts and sides come into play?

371

child friendly, confident and cooperative. A different ap-

proach or objective could have appealed to his unfrien-

dliness, distrust and opposition.

Idea 2:

Characteristics are not in the child, but between the child

and his environment. It is only which ones are activa-

ted. Which outer side of the child is awakened.

Example:

Friendliness, trust and cooperation or the contrary un-

kindness, distrust and opposition do not exist in themsel-

ves. They only come to life in the current interaction of

the child with the environment. These characteristics

may be activated from the outside or the child activates

them in his interaction with the environment.

It is assumed, as illustrated, that both the environment

and the child can address a part or activate a side. The

environment can do this directly through its actions, but

also indirectly by offering a situation or context.

Both ideas form part of the reference model in which

cognitive schemas are central. Cognitive schemas, on

the one hand, refer to what is picked up by the addres-

sed part. Cognitive schemas, on the other hand, can also

refer to how something is dealt with by the activated

side. What is picked up is the comprehension concept,

372

how something is approached forms the behavioral fil-

ling. Conceptual filling and behavioral filling are the two

components of a cognitive schema that is addressed or

activated.

In the referential model, this conceptual content and

this behavioral content are central, whereas in other mo-

dels, the thinking and behavior manner used to receive

a lot of attention. Thinking and behavior that were

mainly taught from the outside. This is in contrast to the

thinking content and behavioral content that is mainly

the result of externally processed information and inter-

nally personal experience.

The fact that the content is central makes it immediately

clear why each child picks up and deals with a situation

or event differently, even if the environment sometimes

has a uniform approach.

Example :

"If you promise to be calm, you can come along." I speak

to the schema ‘calmly’ and ask to pick it up like that. I try

to activate the schema and ask for it to be addressed.

"If you stop screaming, we can talk about it." I try to de-

activate the screaming scheme and ask for a different ap-

proach. I try to appeal to the schema ‘talking’ and ask for

it to be picked up like this.

373

In this example, you can immediately find that schemas

as being calm can not only be awakened, but that you

can also try to extinguish schemas as screaming.

For example, it may be attempted to mute a part or side

by a deactivating approach (no attention or encourage-

ment for this part or that side), and to awake another

part or another side of the child by an activating ap-

proach (to appeal to or encourage this part or that side).

Example :

The irritable child scheme is discouraged in favor of the

stress-resistant child scheme that is encouraged in the

child. 'Fear is a bad counselor, cold-bloodedness can save

you'. We can also appeal to the stress-resistant child to

help deactivate the stressful child. 'You've already shown

that you can handle this if you manage to keep your ner-

ves under control.' Conversely, you can also appeal to

the stressful child not to jeopardize the chances for the

stress-resistant child. 'If you stay here, you miss the op-

portunity to prove yourself that it can also be done diffe-

rently and that you know how to find your resilience and

bring it in the foreground.

It may be a good idea however not to neglect the schema

that you place in the background or that is deactivated

by the environment and to pay attention to it at a diffe-

rent or later time. If it is stored away, what disturbs is

374

taken away, but on the other hand it can leave a void and

gap, so that there is no support or balance.

Example :

As a child you can expect from yourself not to give it up.

Just like what the parents try to address you. Neverthe-

less, it may be useful to pay some attention to your

doubts and hesitations in good time. They can help you

as a child to adjust in time your chosen direction, taking

into account your feelings and your needs.

As a young person you can easily be inclined to partici-

pate in what other young people expect. Your resistance

is then stored away. Nevertheless, it may be useful not

to neglect your resistance completely. She may indicate

that you and your needs do not get enough attention.

Yet it can generally be useful if necessary to activate suf-

ficiently your self-confident part and its strong side - I can

do something, I know something, ... -, rather than being

stuck in its overly insecure part and its weak side - I can

not do anything, I know nothing, ...

If this does happen, an attempt can be made to make a

switch to the more self-assured part or the strong side,

or it may be attempted to approach and assist the un-

certain part or the weak side from this part or side. "Are

you sure you can not or do not know anything. Nothing

at all, never at all, thinks everyone so, too ...? '

375

It is possible that young people only show their deman-

ding part or demanding side. With demands for themsel-

ves or for the environment. Young people can then be

helped by also offering their chances offering part or op-

portunity side. With opportunities for themselves or for

their environment.

Example:

Perhaps young people allow themselves to be easily in-

spired by adults for their demanding attitude. They can

be taught that there is a second track, with an opportu-

nity offering attitude. With opportunities to use and not

to be forgotten. 'It can, I can, you can, ...'

Risk

As an outside world, you can unintentionally activate too

many undesirable or less desirable schemes in young

people, for example, excitement or resistance, feeling of

powerlessness or uncertainty. The danger is that these

schemes will be easily activated again in new and other

situations, with even more unfavorable or undesirable

effects as a result. For example, a repressive environ-

ment can easily activate a self-protective attitude

among young people, or a classification of the environ-

ment in acceptable and objectionable. In this way,

young people risk coming into contact with new environ-

ments in the same way, resulting in a repulsive or con-

trary attitude, and with a division of what they accept

376

and what they ignore or reject. There is not much to be

noticed from an openly accommodating attitude.

Example:

Recent American research shows that when educators

and coaches make young people with delinquent and de-

structive behavior feel like they matter, this delinquent

and destructive behavior can be reduced. Adults outside

the family can contribute to reducing juvenile crime. If

they can feel themself useful and important to others, it

can help prevent at-risk adolescents from moving in the

direction of delinquency and dangerous behavior. Some-

thing that could jeopardize their future and possibly bring

them into contact with courts. Giving them the feeling

that they are being noticed, needed and socially accepted

by other adults than their parents can push them in the

right direction.

Opportunities

Research indicates that the wider the range of schemas

about themselves as a young person - as who, what and

how they are for themselves - the more opportunities

they have to handle different situations and events and

to respond appropriately and flexibly. It's not so much

about integrating these different sides and parts of

themselves, but rather allowing them to coexist so that

377

problems can be tackled from specific facets of themsel-

ves, without overpowering or completely drawing it

themselves. For example, the self-schema they appeal to

on one level in the face of a difficulty or a failure will not

necessarily disrupt another self-schema that can be used

on another level. In this way, a young person can also

continue to experience himself as valuable overall, even

if a part fails in a limited domain. Increasing relatively in-

dependent and distinct ways of experiencing oneself can

provide more stability, strength, resilience and appreci-

ation.

Example :

Due to repeated injuries, a youngster does not come into

his own as a player in his club. However, he can count on

his home, as a son and as a brother he feels good, even

as a friend between friends he feels safe and secure. His

weekend job as a helper also offers him a lot of satis-

faction and recognition. Finally, he can use his creative

talent in his hobby.

The young person can also be invited to look for different

parts, sides or facets of himself as diverse identities that

can entail multiple possibilities and strengths. To this

end, the young person can observe his own feelings,

thoughts and actions and try to become aware of under-

lying parts, sides or facets. The young person can also

observe relevant others in order to discover facets such

378

as diverse identities of themselves through their fee-

lings, thoughts and actions. In this way the youngster can

gradually find and build up his own identity(s) or identity

facets that can offer him optimal opportunities in various

situations and in which he can find himself. Due to the

diverse and changeable nature of current situations, this

requires a permanent task to constantly search for facets

of himself that suit him and the situation.

Tine can be both sweet and unfriendly, as

cheerful, as wild, as unacceptable, as angry, as

inaccessible, as playful, as serious, as despon-

dent, as enthusiastic, as open, as withdrawn.

Rino can be rough as well as brutal, as calm, as

opposed, as cooperative, as near, as

headstrong, as funny, as docile, as critical, as

expressive, als dominant, as caring.

How can we appeal to Tine or activate her, or how can

she do this herself ?

How can we appeal Rino to muffle his being like that,

or can we deactivate his behavior, or how can he let

go of this himself?

What we found

The question is:

379

What can you do for your child?

1. Check for yourself which schema in concrete you

want to appeal in your child or

activate:

2. Consider how you could address this schema or

activate it:

3. Check for yourself which schema

in concrete with your child would you want to mute or

de-activate :

4. Consider how you might mute this schema or

de-activate it :

What can the child do for himself?

1. Check for your child which schema your child

We can try to approach Rino in such a way that the bru-

tal and rough stops in him. We leave him alone for a

moment, hoping to appeal the calm down schema in

him and to deactivate the protest schema. Rino can also

address his self-management or schema in himself and

deactivate his anger. He can then exchange the schema

excitement for the schema being relaxed.

We can address Tine in such a way that it creates a

situation or context in which certain cognitive sche-

mas are activated. For example, we say: "Hey, Tine!

What great of you! " then there is a lot of chance to

see the sweet Tine. Tine can also appeal to the

cheerful girl or schema in herself. We then see a li-

vely and playful person.

Our answer is:

380

would really like to appeal to itself or

activate:

2. Consider how your child could encourage this schema

or activate it :

3. Check for your child which schema you

would want your child to muffle in concrete or

de-activate :

4. Consider how your child could mute this scheme

or de-activate it :

381

Thinking on

Nina her care

"Why don’t you say you're not coming?", her mother

wants to know. Nina keeps her lips together. She fights

the pain she has felt in her knee for a few days. She does

not want to drop out and hide behind a faint excuse in

the eyes of her peers. She also does not want to accept

this for herself, that she has pain in her knee again. Pain

that kept her home for a long time a time ago.

For Nina there is a lot going through her head at the

same time. The pain that plagues her again. The party

that she does not want to miss. The carefree teenager

she wants to be, just like everyone else. Her image of not

being faint and being reliable. She does not want her

A thinking can be on or off.

If it is on, then a major influence will be on behavior

and experience.

382

mother to remind her of her painful knee and disturb her

with her fear. Not everything that concerns her goes to-

gether. She prefers to be a careless teenager who is not

disturbed by her mother. But the pain and her mother

constantly awaken in her thoughts that she can not sim-

ply ignore. They threaten what she chooses to be occu-

pied with, the adolescent who is carefree and lively. Just

like her peers and someone who you can count on. Not

that she constantly thinks of all this at once. But in some

way she is working on it and it influences what she

thinks, what she feels, what she says, what she does and

how she reacts. As if never completely gone, or as if

quickly back there. As if actively present, or latently pre-

sent, more or less, but still influencing her.

Nicolas without care?

"You don’t think about nothing!", replies Nicolas Mom,

but Nicolas is not there with his thoughts. He came

home without a coat, without paying attention to the

time, his mum had been worried. And what about the

coat. He had come home because of the rain, did he

knew where his coat had gone, nor was it his care, To-

morrow they would know. For Nicolas, time and stuff

are not an issue. Not at his age, he is not busy with that.

That his mum does annoying, he has to face that, alt-

hough he thinks that she is exaggerating, so it is not yet

that late. Time is not something he keeps in mind, let

alone his clothes. Avoiding that his mum is annoying him

is the only thing that concerns him now. He hopes that

383

it will pass quickly by paying little attention to it, at most

to put it in perspective for his mommy, who must know

him anyway. For Nicolas is actively present in thoughts,

his mum and her exaggerate, and latently present, who

he is and that this should be familiar. Are not active or

latently present, his stuff and time. For Nicolas, little is

going through his mind at the same time, as if he wants

to keep his head free for important things, or things that

may have to come, or could come. Great things that he

sometimes dreams of, but which unfortunately never

become reality. He is then latent directed towards this.

Memory schemes

Nina and Nicolas are each dealing with very different

matters and are focused on completely different mat-

ters. What is latently present in the background is also

very different.

What someone is actively working on in his thoughts, or

what is latent for someone, will easily attract his atten-

tion if something in reality corresponds with it, or is con-

nected with it. For example, Nina will be very sensitive to

the attitude and reaction of other peers towards

her. This way, Nicolas will feel very touched if something

special happens in his immediate surroundings. As if so-

mething in their head is active or sensitive to what is hap-

pening in the outside world.

384

You can compare it with something that is familiar or

known and that something opens up a whole stored re-

ality very quickly and easily. This stored reality as a syn-

thesis of previous experiences takes the form of memory

schemes. For every reality there is such a schema in your

head that is activated in contact with reality. Once acti-

vated, it remains active or latently available, so that it

makes contact with reality easier. This quickly creates

image formation and can easily be responded to in the

appropriate situations and circumstances.

So we have a number of opened and already open sche-

mes. Here, one scheme can open the other or keep the

other open. Nina feels pretty helpless lately, she notices

that she is not so loved, other children are not so enthu-

siastic in her presence, it seems like she is cool, or at least

that happens. Her mama does not understand her either

and puts her under pressure, she does not feel so under-

stood and accommodated, as if nobody cares about her

and really cares for her. The knee again that makes it dif-

ficult for her as a game breaker. It makes her feel as if

she is a failure, it prevents her from being coquettish. Ra-

ther, she feels plump and awkward. This makes her feel

worthless, maybe stupid. This coincidence of emotional

thoughts makes her feel sad. Memory schemes like

helpless, unloved, cool, misunderstood, not-taken care

of, plump, awkward, worthless, stupid activate each

other easily and arouse in her increasingly the emotional

schema sadness. A part of one memory scheme can be

385

formed or linked with another memory scheme or part

thereof. Thus, helplessness can be unloved or wake up

stupidity. It will be the case otherwise I was not so

helpless. There is a risk that Nina will turn around in cir-

cles, she will stay in her sadness and will hold herself in

this. Only when other schemes could also be opened, a

different feeling could come to the foreground and help

to offer a way out.

We have a number of preference schemes and a number

of dislike schemes. Some schemes we prefer to be

opened and activated. I like my best friend in the neigh-

borhood, or I like to think about him or her. Or respecti-

vely we prefer that some schemes are not opened and

activated. I do not like my stubborn and dominant bro-

ther or sister in my neighborhood, he or she is the last

person I would like to think about. You want to go, hold,

repeat and restore the reality that one scheme stands

for. You want to leave, let go, avoid and prevent the re-

ality that the other schemes stand for.

Opening schemes

Schemes can be opened by reality and the concrete ele-

ments in it. This way the anxious child can be opened by

an emerging danger. They can also be opened by the

child himself. In this way the insecure child can be

opened by what the child thinks or fears. Also bystan-

ders, like you as a parent, can open certain schemes wi-

thin your child. This way the fragile child can be opened

386

by constantly taking over from your child. These sche-

mes can be in line with each other. Like the anxious child,

who is both insecure and fragile at the same time. They

can also contradict each other. Like the anxious and in-

secure child, who is reminded by you as a parent of his

resilience which he can show in other circumstances.

This way attention can be paid to the circumstances for

your child, in order to activate favorable schemas. Or

you can help the child to activate favorable schemes that

offer opportunities and chances. And as a parent you can

sad

helpless

cool

failure

clumsy

worthless

unkept

stupid

not-loved

misunder-

stood

387

try to activate schemas with your child that offer growth

opportunities and keep them active.

Influence schemes

Each scheme contains a set of contents that have to do

with the context of reality in which they can emerge,

with what that reality is and what is characteristic of it,

and with how to deal with it and respond to it. Its activa-

tion immediately brings this whole to life, or makes you

sensitive to it. Thus sadness, for example, fits in a con-

text of failure, of adversity and being weak. It is a nega-

tive feeling that takes away your zest for life and makes

you come to stand still. It allows you to build a rest break,

which allows you to (re)orient and not continue in the

same way. This way it helps you prevent a repetition of

this feeling and what motivates it.

As long as this scheme is open, it will color your doing,

your experience and your thoughts and give them con-

tent and shape. It becomes an element that is also rele-

vant and accompanies your strength or weakness, as

long as it is opened. Because multiple schemes can be

opened at the same time, they can give form and con-

tent to your doing and experiences. They can be found

in you and experienced. They form a characteristic or di-

mension of it. They can contribute and thus provide ad-

ded value for your actions and experiences. They can

also mean a brake or hindrance, and thus a loss of value

for your actions and experiences. Being sad is that you

388

can make less effort and that you experience colors less

favorable.

Once a schema has been opened, its content becomes

active. Linking it to other schemes allows preference and

rejection to become active and come to development. I

prefer, or rather not, to find this or that in reality. When

Nina or Nicolas think of mom, there is the sweet mother,

but also the difficult mom. Of course they prefer the

sweet mama and they have an aversion to the difficult

mom. It can encourage them to make efforts to recog-

nize the sweet mama and not the difficult one. The re-

cognition of the sweet mama awakens in them a

pleasant affirmative feeling. The recognition of the diffi-

cult mother the opposite feeling. They can try to act in

such a way that the sweet mommy is or remains activa-

ted. They can also put pressure on their mother to stay

the sweet mommy, for example, by saddling them other-

wise with feelings of guilt. In this way they can achieve

and maintain a pleasant feeling, because reality corres-

ponds with their preferred content of scheme.

Schemes and perception

Open or sensitive schemes - these are almost opened or

recently opened - can greatly determine the experience

and the reaction or color them. If Nina does not feel very

loved, any negligence of her peers to her will be easily

understood as confirmation of not being popular.

389

Unopened or non-sensitive schemes will cause

something not to be noticed as such. The time and his

coat are not a point of attention for Nicolas. He does not

notice that it is already dark, he does not notice that it is

raining. Or that these are at least indicators for time and

coat.

In this way, parents can quickly or sometimes not at all

notice certain problems with their child, because what is

a sign for this is very recognizable, or not at all. This de-

pends on whether or not they have a sensitive scheme

for this. For example, it may happen that they misjudge

staying at home as a sign of being isolated or isolating

themselves as children. And wrongly take staying home

as a sign of wanting to take it easy and not constantly

being bothered by friends.

Because you teach your child or yourself to approach si-

tuations from a different angle and question, taking into

account a different possibility and answer, you can per-

ceive something completely different from a different

perspective. What allows you to respond differently. For

example, not seeing what Nina or Nicolas does as weak-

ness or unwillingness, but look at them from a different

purpose or priority.

View on schemes

Often someone is little or not aware of an open or sensi-

tive scheme. Nicolas formulated once goals for himself

390

to make something special of his life, he does not think

about them at the moment. This does not alter the fact

that they can influence his interests and preferences.

Sometimes you feel certain things and feel certain things

that are coming, even if you are not completely aware of

them, or can not express them. They often have to deal

with an underlying scheme. Nina feels that she should

not stay away, she feels in some way that it would affect

her being loved. Nicolas foresees that if you want to ex-

perience something that needs to be in the broader

world and not at home, and then you do not have to deal

with details, but with essential things.

Schemes and influence on environment

Open or sensitive schemes not only ensure that you no-

tice or respond to certain things more easily, as a kind of

open register.

They also make, because you notice them and respond

to them, that your experience and your actions are

about to turn around them. Also with others from your

surroundings you can easily activate that side in them,

and situations in which you are placed are easily colou-

red by them. An interaction then arises that also keeps

the scheme open easily.

391

Nina is not very popular. By constantly asking her peers

for confirmation, it becomes an item in their mutual in-

teraction. In their talking and association the more or

less loved ones are discussed. Because some people

become more popular in the group, they find this

something they like as pleasant and what is susceptible

to repetition or preservation for them. Because others

become less or not loved by the group, this becomes a

concern for them where they want to get away from and

for which they make efforts to prevent repetition. In this

way, both their own and others' loved ones become an

activated and open scheme, so that their perception and

dealings are colored with it. In this way, they keep the

‘beloved’ schema open and active. In this way it be-

comes something they both think of or are involved with

in their communication and their interaction. Even if

they could not respond to this very much, if asked about

it, because they are not consciously involved with

this. Yet you could derive from their talking and doing

that this is in some way or other concerned.

Open and sensitive schemes

This way, situations or events that you deal with always

provide activated and open schemes. This way things

you are doing yourself in your thoughts or in your activity

go together with activated open schemes

Sensitive schemes are certainly related to things that are

very close to you and that are very important to

392

you. Your living situation, your health, your known

people, your performance, your self-image, your image,

your development and growth. They are all aspects that

are very important to you. Something related to this, you

will soon notice, to cherish and preserve, if necessary

guard. Or, if necessary, to escape if you are loaded or

chased by it. It keeps you then too busy in an undesira-

ble way.

Activate schemes or not

As a parent you can try to activate favorable schemes

with your child. Time awareness or organization, for

example, so your child can itself take this into account

and you are more likely that your child pays attention to

this and comes after with what is contained in it.

Your child can, however, make a lot of effort not to acti-

vate certain schemes and if they are already activated,

deactivate them. Your child wants to relax, for example,

with his friends. It does not want to be reminded of the

time, to do this and that, and this and certainly not

that. He will already prematurely repel what you want to

remember.

Because of this repulsive attitude of your child, you easily

have the tendency to exaggerate, in the hope that some-

thing will be carried out of your expectations and good

advice. By exaggerating, however, you can easily incre-

ase the resistance and the tendency to deactivate. By

393

letting your skepticism be noticed at the same time, you

simultaneously activate your child's doubts as to

whether you and your expectations will be taken into ac-

count. It is better then to express your trust that your

child is willing to cooperate and that you can count on

your child and activate this in your child.

On thinking or thinking, on

As a parent you can follow what the child thinks in his

experience and reaction, and which thinking is

lacking. You can stimulate your child to start a certain

way of thinking and to express a different way of thin-

king.

What the child experienced and stored earlier will re-

main available as a souvenir. If a similar situation occurs,

the child will use this memorial when it is desired, as a

source for grasping the situation and dealing with it.

By teaching your child to pay attention to what it is

thinking about, it can lead to a more conscious res-

ponse. It is then no longer unconsciously brought to a re-

action. He can then recognize what he keeps in mind,

without running away from it, or wanting to push it

away, or just accept it. He can choose for more favorable

schemes and set off on this, whereby the scheme can be

used as a means to achieve an established goal.

394

The child can then think of it, especially to make a thin-

king, which is on and focused on here and now, for which

he is open and from which he can move to the future.

Mark for your child what you recognise :

Formulate for your child what is useful :

395

Development of

knowledge and thin-

king

A child wants to find as accurate and complete answers

as possible from birth. This is the task it gives itself. Get-

ting answers to questions such as what, how, where,

when, who, why he and she poses of what they encoun-

ter in their environment. Just think of the endless series

of 'why-' and 'how come-that’ questions the child asks

when it can talk well. From the answers, the image on its

environment will depend and also its reaction towards

its environment. Where its image and its reaction are ini-

tially very limited, its development and thanks to its

The development of knowledge and thinking helps

the child to answer to questions and challenges

more and more.

396

constantly more evolving possibilities to answer these

questions will constantly increase in quality.

In order to develop these images and reactions, it will

use its own developing possibilities. In this respect, it will

also formulate more accurate, complete and qualitati-

vely rich answers to similar questions about what, how,

where, when, against whom and why, and their use.

These answers to enable adaptation are organized in

an orderly manner in the form of schemes that are of a

substantive nature and deal with what is present in the

environment, or that are formal in nature and are about

how to use as tools and instruments for themselves in

handling. Through this arrangement, the answers are

precisely maintained and continuously updated and ad-

justed, so that the most accurate, complete and best

answer is obtained. In this way the environment is get-

ting better and better represented and the child is get-

ting better and better opportunities to deal with it.

Who his mom is, what his pacifier is, comes in a

scheme. What is observing, what is paying attention

comes in a schema. The first type of schemes allow

knowledge to develop, the second type of schemes allow

thinking to develop. For example, Mommy is someone

who feeds you, smiles at you, holds you lo-

vingly. Mommy is someone who makes you feel safe,

397

who can let you know that you can express with weeping

that you are missing something or are experiencing dis-

comfort. So a pacifier is something that gives you com-

fort and is always delivered back wherever you leave it.

So is observing turning your head in the direction of the

sound. So is paying attention keeping your head in the

direction of the sound. These basic contents and forms

are constantly being supplemented and so develop. This

means that more can be done with it and better and

more powerful use is possible. Everything becomes clea-

rer and more accessible. Things can be realized thanks to

the more and better available own tools.

So, there are tools such as evolving deployable sche-

mes to get to know the environment better, such as per-

ception, memory and thinking. There are also tools to

get to know themselves and to follow themselves, such

as feelings, imagination and dynamics. These formal tool

schemas increase in complexity and possibilities during

the development of the child. In this way, the perception

scheme can evolve from looking or listening to what at-

tracts attention, about self-interest, to actively seeking

out what is and what is put together, to researching new

facets from a different question. In this way the emotio-

nal plan can evolve from being overwhelmed by emoti-

ons and warding them off, over noticing feelings in good

time and taking them into account, to actively prospec-

ting which feelings can bring something with them and

making choices in function of desired feelings. You can

398

read more about tool schemas in the theme section

‘Schema activation and development’ of this encyclope-

dia.

The substantive schemes can in turn be conscious sche-

mes, they can also be functional schemes. Conscious

schemes are used for imaging, functional schemes are

used in the context of an action. The action itself is often

not explicitly aware, it is usually aimed at conscious con-

tent formation. How a child perceives is not a concern

for the child, it is concerned with his mother or the paci-

fier that perceives it. The content of conscious schemes

is only partially aware, they are also primarily intended

for functional use. I smile at my mom, not at someone

unknown. I just want to know if someone is my mom so

that I can laugh. I must not be able to remember exactly

what is characteristic of my mother, let alone express

this. As soon as the child can talk it can be asked about

it, this turns out to be a not so easy job. Even as an adult,

you can still have a hard time giving a precise description

of someone from your head. You then have to look in

your scheme to see what you came up with. This scheme

is primarily intended for recognition and for functional

use. As soon as you want to express the content, you are

working on a higher level of a conscious meta-level.

If you want to help a child in his development, it can

be useful to show exactly and express what is so typical

of something. 'Here you have a photo of mama, your

399

brother and yourself. Tell me what you see here." “You

always give an immediate answer, even before my ques-

tion is finished. Can you try to answer only after you've

heard the question? " In this way you can try to fill in

the child's schemas and adjust them so that they be-

come qualitatively better. You do this from a conscious

meta level and not from a spontaneous functional level

of experience and behavior.

Spontaneously, however, the child will initially be

busy on a functional level: how can I recognize some-

thing? how can I manipulate something so that I can

achieve a certain result? The child will gradually set

goals: find something or someone, explore something,

get something in its reach. For these purposes, the child

will look for resources and schemes to achieve this

goal. In what way can I find my mom who has disap-

peared from my field of vision. So resource-target

schemes with increasing complexity are created. As

soon as the child develops images more clearly, the

images are increasingly used to realize something. My

mom is not gone even though I do not see her in the li-

ving room at the moment, she will be in the kitchen and

I have to find her there. This makes the conscious level

increasingly important. The conscious level then supple-

ment the functional.

As soon as the child encounters a situation, it will

seek recognition and interaction with it. It will activate

400

the matching schemes for functional interaction. Howe-

ver, if the situation requires further attention, it will call

in its conscious level. In his working memory the activa-

ted schematic contents are then presented to merge

them with the observed reality data. For example, on the

basis of internally present and externally available data,

an attempt is made to arrive at a best performance that

can lead to an answer and reaction. The internal data are

the result of experiences and information from the past.

The reality data are what is available in the present. The

answer and the reaction are what must be realized for

the future. The quality and ability of this merging and

handling of mentally proposed information to arrive at

new information gradually increases. Where images

are initially used, then symbols such as words and num-

bers are used instead. Symbols whose meaning in-

creases progressively. This results in concepts that at the

same time become more concise and so abstract and re-

veal associations. This creates a thinking that makes use

of syntheses and rules, that is separate from time and

can go forward and back to predict something and ex-

plain something, in which more and more elements and

factors can be taken into account and that allow an ap-

proach from different angles, also separate from

themselves.

In this way, infants and toddlers bases themselves

very quickly on their own experiences and their explora-

401

tory activity, a bit like real researchers, to develop theo-

ries that organize their knowledge about characteristics

of things and living beings from their environment. Like

understanding that objects fall when you let them go and

realize that objects can not mix up but move each

other. This way you can watch young children watch for

a longer time when they notice something that does not

respond to their expected action. A balloon that flies and

does not fall when you release it. Even a year old already

knows that living beings can start moving on their own

and follow their own irregular road to reach a goal. In

this way they learn to use movement as a criterion for

noticing something as living or not.

In young children too, there is a growing knowledge

and understanding of one's own behavior and that of

others. For example, two-year-olds already understand

that they and others have desires and that desires can

lead to behavior. 'I want a biscuit' and 'I'm happy to have

his biscuit.' From the age of three, children start using

words such as thinking, believing, remembering and

forgetting, which indicates a start to becoming aware of

what is happening in them. From four years on, children

understand that their own behavior and that of others

originates in what they each believe about the given si-

tuations and events, even if this is incorrect.

However, children do not only learn from their

own exploratory experiences, they absorb much of the

402

experiences of others that are presented to them in the

form of self-evident expressions and situations. Unfavo-

rable experiences and situations, or of lesser quality or

strength, are then omitted. What promotes safety and

health, for example in the form of what is nutritious, is

then presented to them. Especially the way to collect

knowledge and to process it afterwards is transferred so-

cially and culturally. Is the reality itself offered to get to

know things, or are toys offered? Is emphasis placed on

independent thinking or thinking together to come to an

answer. Is emphasis placed on incorporating your own

feelings into what you notice and answer, or not to do

exactly that. How is available know-how in older child-

ren and adults valued and how is she optimally involved

in thinking and thinking development. When it is swit-

ched on, is account taken of the zone of proximal deve-

lopment where the child can do something with the help

of a more experienced person. Is taken into account the

degree and form of help that fits with what the child

needs. Is explanation and instruction given in such a way

that the child himself can take over this explanation and

instruction for himself, and by means of self-proclama-

tion can gradually instruct himself. Is this given so that

what the child already knows can be supplemented, so

that his own already developed schema can grow and

evolve.

As schemas are formed and filled in, more options for

the child become available. Especially because schemes

403

contain ready-made answers to what is and how to deal

with it when, where and why or what for. The acquired

schemes are functionally activated and thus free up the

working memory for new tasks and new strategies. The

schemes here offer an expanding database to be able to

respond quickly to these new challenges, because much

can be traced back to what is already familiar. In this

way, depending on the development of knowledge and

thinking, more powerful possibilities can arise within the

child. Existing processes go faster and new ones are bet-

ter supported by what the child has already acquired. In

this way the child succeeds better and becomes better

in carrying out specific activities, but also at the same

time taking on more than one activity. Like talking about

something else, while doing something.

404

Thinking about

your parenting

Think about your parenting

As a parent, you may occasionally have to deal with un-

certainty about your way of parenting. You can occasio-

nally be overwelmed by fear, with the question if you do

not do it wrong. You can start wondering whether your

dealings with your child guarantee enough opportunities

for your child to develop in a pleasant way. Especially

when the relation between yourself and your child isn't

good, questions arise easily.

Does thinking about your parenting confuse you?

Or does it offer added value?

405

Parenting is not an easy task. Your own upbringing did

not always work, or is no longer usable. Sometimes you

can only learn how it should not and how to do it other-

wise. Much information is available, but sometimes con-

tradicts each other. Not always is it usable for your own

situation with your child. Your own intuition then, but it

gets so quickly exhausted.

As a parent, you may occasionally need to stop and think

about your parenting. To see how it goes, how your gui-

dance work out on your child and its development. Your

child that evolves and grows time and time again. Just

look back, to see better ahead. Alone or with you

two. To see what was good, and what was weak. What

opportunities do you offer for the future, but also what

dangers it entails. Where you have to adjust, what you

have to add and what to omit, what to increase and what

to reduce, where you have to and can handle diffe-

rent. How you may have to look different, or react diffe-

rent. What you may think different. For what you may

have to offer a different environment.

Sometimes your child obliges you to think, sometimes its

environment. Sometimes your child shows that its deve-

lopment is less favorable. Your child then easily responds

physically, emotionally, expressively, or with behavior

and relational. The child does not feel well, reacts sensi-

tively, expresses his or her problems, does not partici-

pate or otherwise, does not feels well in the

406

group. Sometimes the environment let you know to

have difficulties with your childs. Your child is so often

absent or passive, or busy, or shows resistance, or is in-

secure and anxious. Dealing with your child is then diffi-

cult and stiff. There are many tensions and conflicts. You

do not always understand your child, or its reaction.

At such a moment you ask questions about your child,

but also about yourself and your way of parenting. With

thinking you try to get a view and find an answer. Often

this is a thinking and talking together : with your partner,

your parents, a friend, an acquaintance. Sometimes with

a professional : a teacher, a (family) doctor, a psycholo-

gist, a pedagogue, a counseling and guidance center. Al-

ways your way of dealing directly or indirectly with your

child will be discussed. Sometimes to see what went

wrong, sometimes how you could better guide your child

in its development. What is special about your

child. What your child specifically needs and how you

could respond to it. The child with his parenting ques-

tion, you with your parental offer.

Sometimes there is no specific reason to think about

your parenting. You then speak occasionally about pa-

renting in general within your family and with acquain-

tances. How this is going today, what is changing, how it

could be improved. What society expects from parents

and their children. Whether and how you want to go al-

ong as a parent and child. In this way you try to learn

407

from others, to find support with others. To build a cli-

mate of knowing and doing together, so that your act-

ions are not only carried by yourself, but also by your

meaningful others. That way you feel more certain, you

find together your direction, your content and your form

as a parent.

You can then experience an emergency, a need or an in-

terest to meet other parents to exchange thoughts and

experiences. This can then generate cognition and reco-

gnition and a feeling of support and solidarity. There is

then the feeling of having to do with equals that offer

you plus experiences, at the same time there is less a risk

of shortcomings or lesser experiences that occur more

easily when calling in experts.

If you as a parent look at your parenting, you can come

to the conclusion that you are good at it and can conti-

nue in the same direction with the same content and

form. You can also discover that you are confronted with

a number of questions, but do not immediately find

answers to them. That you have many questions about

your way of doing things and want to stop for a while

before continuing. This is to find out how to proceed

best. Finally, you can also discover that the answers you

find clearly make it possible to change direction, take a

different direction with a corresponding content and

form. If you wish to take a different direction, it will be

difficult to let go of the old, and you must make an effort

408

to let your new approach take effect, both for yourself

and for your child. Some sustained effort and the neces-

sary support, also from yourself, will then be more than

welcome.

Thinking about your parenting is not only about the ra-

tionally distant, also the emotional nearness can be in-

volved in this. Not only can you base your thinking on

what your judgment is about something, your thinking

can also start from what you feel and experience what

disturbs or what is missing. This way you can start loo-

king for how to think and how to feel, so that progress

becomes possible.

Thinking can help you get your parenting clear and clarify

what can change how to make it more optimal for your-

self and your child. Parenting is often intuitive, at least

for an important part, from an implicit thinking about pa-

renting. This is positive in itself and does not automati-

cally call for change. However, your thinking can take

this intuitive into words and translate the implicit into

worded insights. This way more insight can be gained

and, if necessary, more control. As a parent, you usually

do not immediately know how much your intuition and

the implicit is borne by a personal knowing that from

your own experiences has gradually arisen. This personal

knowing includes both what is fact, but also your own

feelings, opinions and beliefs, and needs and desires are

included.

409

By creating clarity, you are better able to oversee, moni-

tor and control. In your thoughts, for example, you are

able to get and understand what is going on in the reality

of the upbringing, of how you try to guide your child in

his development. On a mental level you therefore have

a double of what happens in the reality of the education

between yourself and your child. In this way, your

dealings with your child can be made more conscious

and more consciously followed up in parallel, and given

direction, content and form. So you have a double track:

the trace of the what and how in the parenting interac-

tion and the trace of this what and how in your head,

that you can follow and from here you can steer.

Thinking about your upbringing in order to achieve a

greater awareness of educational processes, has ano-

ther important advantage. Research shows that we can

only notice from a knowing. You will not easily notice so-

mething you do not know. Only from a knowing that you

can overdemand your child, you can notice that a child

gives difficulties because it can not meet your expecta-

tions. Only from a knowing that you can discourage your

child to change his boundaries, can you notice that a

child becomes passively awkward and spontaneously

does not take any initiatives. Only from a knowing that

a child sometimes fails to meet what you propose to

meet, you can see that a child is doing quite some effort.

But that it just does not work, and gives you the impres-

sion of unwillingness, of ignoring you or of opposing you.

410

If so no knowledge, it means easily not knowing to notice

and also not knowing to take it into account or respond

to it.

Think about your thinking about parenting

As a parent, you equate your parenting often to your ac-

tions to your child. How you deal with your child so that

it could grow. Less you equate your parenting with crea-

ting an environment for your child in which this growth

can proceed optimally. Still less do you think that upbrin-

ging often has to do with your thinking about your child,

about yourself, about your parental interaction, about

the parental context and the parental framework in

which this upbringing takes place. However, it can be es-

tablished that your parental behavior and the parental

environment that you offer are very determined by your

upbringing thinking. The upbringing environment and

your upbringing are the interpretation of your upbrin-

ging thinking. Suppose you assume that a child is not yet

capable of any independence, so you will create an envi-

ronment in which a lot is arranged for the child and you

will constantly help your child so that their is little of no

necessity for independance and the child is not encoura-

ged to do so.

Your thinking about upbringing is usually a very personal

way of thinking that has gradually grown on the basis of

your personal parenting experience and on the basis of

acquired and gathered information. It is not impersonal

411

knowledge about parenting, but a personal thinking in

which you are situated. Namely what means to educate

you, how to educate, when you are asked to raise and

when you approach your parenting. In this way, your

concrete upbringing is constantly colored and determi-

ned by this personal upbringing. It is surrounded by and

underpinned by it. At the same time it is legitimized and

limited by it. As a child, you have, for example, greatly

refrained from the many offenses you were part of. You

often have to deal with criticism, with accusations, with

disappointments of your environment in you. As a pa-

rent you may have learned from this that you can not be

raised in this way, taking into account the consequences

that you have had for years in your self-image and self-

esteem and still have their effect felt. In your own beliefs

about upbringing, you have also barred all forms of of-

fense. Every acknowledging response to your child is le-

gitimized by your thinking and a different response is li-

mited by it. Your child will never experience it being at-

tacked on his mind, his feelings and needs and for who

or what it is.

This personal thinking can be found in each of your reac-

tions and expressions to your child. It runs through it as

a red wire, a guideline. It forms the synthesis of all your

knowledge and your know-how about parenting. What it

is for you, how it is upbringing, where, when and to

whom when you are confronted with parenting, when

something in yourself is activating you. It is thinking that

412

is active when you are parenting, often implicitly, wit-

hout noticing it yourself. An parental situation or an pa-

rental interaction with your child will activate this thin-

king, so that it will give your reaction and expression con-

tent and form and at the same time indicate the boun-

daries of this: what is, what is not, how, how not, when,

when not, where, where not, to whom, to whom not,

why, why not, to what, to what not. For example, If your

child breaks something, you will not immediately res-

pond to this. But you will translate the situation as an up-

bringing event. Your child still has insufficient understan-

ding of what is fragile. You will encourage your child to

exercise caution by making clear how something goes

wrong. You will try to avoid repetition by putting away

what is too fragile for the child.

Becoming aware of what is implicit and is activated to

respond to an upbringing situation can be very help-

ful. Your own perceived reaction can help you to deduce

your implicit thinking from this.

Thinking about parenting

As a parent you can not only be interested in learning

more about your upbringing and your thinking about up-

bringing, you can also be curious about what in general

is the thinking about upbringing, especially in today's so-

ciety. What is central to parenting, how to work as an

parent, about what is parenting. Which way of thinking

is noticeable in society about upbringing. What appears

413

from scientific research. What do pedagogical experts

say.

Thus it appears that in the past parenting was often ap-

proached moralistically. It was about imparting values

and learning to deal with standards. Today we see a psy-

chological approach. It is about guiding the development

in different areas, it is about offering development and

growth opportunities. It must allow the child to discover

qualities and become familiar with them. Qualities that

can express it and incorporate it into its behavior and its

expression. The qualities it exhibits must allow an added

value for the child in growth and must be reflected in his

dealings. Not educating for what is good behavior, away

from what is bad. But educate people to act that adds

value, away from an action with a minus or less value. An

added value for themselves, for others, for the environ-

ment, for the future. A relationship with more quality

and more qualities. Together with this evolution, a tran-

sition can be observed from assessing the behavior of a

child in development to the accent on the appreciation

of behavior for what is already present in qualities and

quality. At the same time, there is room for appreciating

the child for the competences it has already developed

to make this quality action possible.

For a long time it turned in parenting around power, la-

ter translated into authority. It was about who was in

charge and who had to be docile. Or it was about who

414

was dependent and in need of authority. For example,

an authoritarian upbringing became an anti-authorita-

rian upbringing, but at the same time it kept running for

more or less power. In modern thought, however, power

can hardly be called quality, authority is slightly easier.

They rather seem to be resources and means. In con-

trast, responsibility, attention and care reflected in your

behavior seem to better withstand the test of quality and

qualities.

It was only recently that people saw that parenting could

also be about something else. For example, child-cente-

redness and support were central, but supplemented

with requirements and control. The support on relatio-

nal level, supplemented with the control of child beha-

vior, was called authoritative parenting.

Attention was given to a good relationship with the child,

and within this relationship the child could be held ac-

countable for his behavior. For the sake of com-

pleteness, this two-dimensional model can be supple-

mented with a third, a contextual dimension. A dimen-

sion that indicates that parenting revolves around deve-

lopment and its support, supported by an appropriate

conceptual framework.

Today, the question is increasingly being asked what, to-

gether with the development dimension that responds

to the development needs of the child, can be central in

415

parenting. These include affection and attention, safety

and trust, respect and recognition, communication and

consultation, tolerance and equality, openness and

cooperation, space and opportunities, time and inte-

grity, authenticity and individuality, rights and responsi-

bility, proximity and support, load-bearing and support

base, self-activity and context involvement. Perhaps a

multidimensional model in which several of these quali-

ties come together will offer the most optimal opportu-

nities for development and guidance. As a parent, you

can think about how to do this by making your own con-

tribution in dealing with your child.

In parenting, adults often looked also at who can func-

tion as a model. In society we encounter people whose

actions have been signed by one or more specific quali-

ties. It is about actions that are characterized by a great

knowledge and wisdom, or by a great constructiveness,

by involvement, or by a beauty, or justice, or by a synthe-

sis power, or by changing frontiers and progress, or by

allowing something to grow without violence. As a pa-

rent, it may be interesting to think about what makes

this action so valuable and how to incorporate and inte-

grate this into your child's development guidance.

In research is often searched for where upbringing can

in essence turn around, or can also turn around. Recent

concepts such as co-regulation, agency, supportive up-

bringing, connected parenting and schema pedagogy

416

came to the forefront. How to integrate them into your

own parenting.

In thinking about upbringing, thought can also be given

to how to equip your child to integrate optimally into so-

ciety. But here too, an important evolution is noti-

ceable. Where this used to be the most frequently asked

question, there is a shift to the question : how society

can better respond to the individual and his inte-

grity. This creates more space for the individual and his

individuality, and reduces or diminishes the pressure to

conform and fit into society, sometimes at the expense

of himself and his well-being. From society there is more

attention and space for diversity. As an individual you

sometimes come more to your right because of your per-

sonality, than because of your uniformity. To function

closer to yourself can sometimes valorise more than an

impersonal way of being and doing.

Think about your upbringing and bringing up

By your concrete and more general thinking about up-

bringing, you can better situate yourself as a parent and

for your parenting. This way you can better position

yourself for a number of parenting aspects. See where

you are somewhere, going from the absence of this as-

pect to the optimal presence of this aspect in your

dealings. This way you can better develop a vision about

parenting, better formulate your objectives, and better

attune your approach and interaction. This way you can

417

see where you can pay attention to and work at. You can

find out how this can be better tuned.

So, among other things, where do I stand with my up-

bringing, in which direction can I continue and in which

way. Where do I stand with the educational environ-

ment for my child, where else can it go and how. Where

do I deal with my education, what are his points of atten-

tion in which direction and how do I deal with this speci-

fically.

In this way, you can always gain quality and qualities. You

can experience more possibilities than those that you ha-

bitually used.

Today a lot of information about upbringing is avai-

lable. As a parent you often do not know what to fol-

low. It may be a good idea to think for yourself about

what you get presented and whether you can learn from

it and what you can use from it.

Thinking about parenting together

As a parent you have each formed your own idea of what

to bring up is and how you can pick it up. These ideas can

be very similar, they can also be very different. Most of

all there will be a certain correspondence. The question

then is how great this correspondence is and whether it

can not be made larger. You may come to the conclusion

418

that you can experience added value from your partner

just in the difference in your child's approach.

From everyone's own interpretation of what is upbrin-

ging, it will depend on whether you will experience your

partner's reaction as educational or rather of a different

nature. Even if at such a moment the reaction of your

partner is meant by himself or herself as a parent. So

can criticizing your child have a parental purpose for you,

while your partner only experiences it as venting off

steam from you, only taking care of yourself, but not hel-

ping your child. Because the child then only wants to de-

fend himself and is not open to insight and personal ad-

justment.

Parents often try to talk to each other and think together

to reach an agreement. At times of crisis, they then can

experience how strong this unit is and whether they do

not each approach it then their way which possibly drive

them apart. As a parent you can be very concerned

about your partner's lack of solidarity, or you feel disap-

pointed. This often adds to the difference, so that every-

one's style and approach are profiled even more

profoundly.

Only when you can face this difference and accept it,

there will be room for rapprochement and a real thinking

together. The joint approach to what goes together, the

separate where necessary and if it does not succeed

419

otherwise. For example, from a healthy individuality,

from a personal way of thinking about upbringing, a col-

lective upbringing process can be included, in which one

can come to a sharing in thinking and doing.

Research shows that children are particularly affected by

lack of clarity and instability. If what is together and se-

parate for the child is clear and not repeatedly thrown

together, it may be beneficial for the child to find adults

who interpret not only with words but also with their

actions where they stand for.

Educative way of thinking

Because parenting often does not allow ready-made so-

lutions, you will automatically invoke thinking and thin-

king together. This can help you find an answer and a re-

action with added value.

You can also view it in this way: that your actions always

go together and are supported by an associated, not al-

ways conscious thinking. By getting to know this implicit

way of thinking, you can deliberately and continuously

parallel your actions with an associated conscious and

optimally possible way of thinking.

This immediately provides an answer to the frequently

asked question: whether parents are no longer allowed

to do spontaneously in dealing with their child and fol-

low their intuition. Even if you assume that your actions

420

are not well thought out, this is based on personal thin-

king and knowing. Because you are little or not aware of

this thinking, this seems spontaneous. From the obser-

vation that you think anyway in terms of parenting, you

may be able to make it more aware, in order to get a

better view of its use value. In this way you can, if you

wish, adjust it by reflection or thinking back and use cog-

nitive guidance in your parenting by coaching and for-

ward thinking (meta).

To this end, you will increasingly feel the need as it be-

comes less smooth with the development and supervi-

sion of your child, as there are more tensions and more

conflicts that threaten to escalate. With your thinking

you will then try to follow what is happening, as is the

case with monitoring, and try to find out how you can

influence what happens.

For example, recent research by the University of New

York shows that parents have a better memory for pa-

renting-related information. When they think about pa-

renting they remember better, this could also be evolu-

tionary beneficial.

421

Parenting is for me ….

Parenting am I doing like

this …

… is for me an expression of

parenting

Parenting is for me ….

Parenting am I doing like

this …

… is for me an expression of

parenting

422

Parenting is for us ….

Parenting are we doing

like this …

… is for us an expression

of parenting

423

By thinking

These thwarts passes the rearing of every day. They

briefly reflect on the spontaneity of acting as a parent,

educator or teacher. They provide space for reflection

that can enrich, nuance or underpin spontaneous

action. To each to find what is useful and inspires.

Take a moment to consider every day parenting,

maybe it brings you new ideas.

Space to stop for a moment in your upbringing can

be to free yourself for new inspiration.

424

When what a child represents itself and proposes corres-

ponds to what parents have as representation and pro-

posal, there is less chance of tension. Stress arises as

soon as a child presents something other than his pa-

rents.

In parenting, quantity is sometimes confused with qua-

lity. In reality, quantity can sometimes stand in the way

and quality sometimes limits quantity.

In a time of restless searching for the perfect, also in pa-

renting, the restful finding of the imperfect must not be

forgotten.

A child often make adjustments to parents in their up-

bringing. This is because the individuality of the child re-

quires an individuality-based approach, also because the

development of the child requires a phase-based ap-

proach, further because the life situation of the child re-

quires a situation-based approach, and finally because

the life experiences of the child require a experience-ba-

sed approach.

As parents making choices for the child is becoming

more and more difficult, parents can opt for dialogue to

support their child in making their own choices.

425

Parenting is often confused with something else. Chec-

king with what it could be confused can make an end to

this.

Parenting can be described as binding work with respect

for individuality.

Parenting competence is constantly being developed im-

plicitly. Here, explicit attention can be devoted to add va-

lue.

Parenting processes involve a whole series of other pro-

cesses, such as care, guidance, support, influence, com-

munication, relationship, group, social, community and

choice processes. Knowing and optimizing these pro-

cesses can contribute to the parenting process.

As an educator you like clear lines in purposes, some-

times you run the risk of skipping intermediaries and

steps.

You can start educating with yourself, your ideas, prefe-

rences, feelings and wishes. Parenting can also start with

your child, his images, preferences, feelings and wishes.

It is becoming increasingly clear how neurological pro-

cesses influence behavior. Nothing less is true in the de-

velopment of your child and the upbringing that you of-

fer your child.

426

If brain cells do not communicate very much, thoughts

do not, and people do not communicate easily. When

brain cells communicate strongly, thoughts also do this,

and people communicate constantly.

Those who are more capable of implicit pattern learning,

that is knowing how to predict complex patterns, are un-

consciously more sensitive to culture and belief,

whereby a center creates patterns to bring order, this

according to neuroscience research from Georgetown

University. The implicit learning of patterns thus forms a

basis for the development of ordering beliefs, as was ob-

served. In children who unconsciously noticed patterns

in the environment, it was found that their sensitivity to

faith increased with age, even in a non-faithful environ-

ment. Children who were unable to do so were more li-

kely to have a faith-sensitive decline.

In interaction there is a danger of wanting to bring

something to something recognizable at his own level or

to reduce something to it, in order to avoid feeling him-

self less otherwise.

Learning from experience : recent research at the

University of München has shown that even single-

celled slime molds function on the basis of memory,

even though they do not have a brain. When finding

food, slime molds store information about where it

is found in the network of tubes that make them up.

427

is found in the network of tubes that make them up.

They produce dust at the location of food that wi-

dens their tubes in that area and increases the moti-

lity of the fungus. This is to reach food faster next

time and to move in that direction.

The resulting architecture is thus a reminder of the

past. This discovered simple form of intelligence

could be a prototype for more complex life forms

with a nervous system and brain, and their develop-

ment.

428

Activation cycle

The other does or does not respond to this.

When you talk or deal with someone, you make him or

her successive proposals for activation. This is what you

want to activate with him or her in order to perceive so-

mething and give meaning and then respond to it. The

other person can accept these activation proposals. The

other can not accept these activation proposals ei-

ther. He or she can then look in your activation proposals

for what he or she prefers to activate and want you to

formulate as an activation proposal. It is also possible

that the other person is little or not willing to listen and

chooses for an activation what he or she wants to for-

mulate you as an activation proposal in his actions and

You want the other to perceive something like that

and react accordingly.

The other does or does not respond to this.

429

expression towards you. You can then go into this acti-

vation proposal, or look for yourself in his proposal for

what to activate, or come up with your own activation

separately from his proposal.

You do not want your child to go to a friend that late. You

say it so that you are clear and you can expect that your

child will give up his plan. Your child, however, finds your

request unreasonable and urges you to come back to

your no and let him leave, after having realized how

unreasonable you are. However, you do not judge

yourself to be unreasonable at all, on the contrary. You

find your child ungrateful and unrealistic. Earlier in the

day he was already with his friend and leaving now

means impossible to be back in time at the agreed

time. You do not find it acceptable that he is still leaving

and you stay with your no.

Your activation proposal from no was considered unrea-

sonable by your child. His activation proposal of unrea-

sonableness of you was perceived by you as ungrateful

and unacceptable. What your child and you make of

what you do as proposal determines your reaction. He

protests from the unreasonableness he sees. You stay

with your no from his being unrealistic.

Each does his best to activate something that will pro-

vide a desired answer. On your first no, you wish to pro-

430

voke abandonment of his plan to his friend. With his sug-

gestion of unreasonableness, he wishes to appeal to

your reasonableness and move you to a yes-answer.

With your suggestion of ingratitude and unrealistic de-

sire to finally reach that he accepts your no-answer. Each

time you try to activate something that will allow the

other person to meet you. On closer inspection, you do

not try to bring each other directly into reaction, but you

try to generate something that will allow or bring about

that reaction.

In interaction and dialogue with someone you simulta-

neously offer a lot of activation proposals. Much of this

is known from communication research, although it is

formulated in a different way in a different context. In

this way we know that in addition to what you actually

say, you also say something about yourself, about the

other person, about your relationship with each other

and what you expect from each other. You also say

something about the context situation and about your

conceptual framework. In fact, all of this is formulated as

a proposal to the other party.

The listener can accept the concrete and implicit of the

other by introducing corresponding schemes. He can

also neither agree nor be happy with your proposals and

ignore one or more of them, possibly because it does not

suit him or is not advantageous to him. He or she is then

deaf, blind or insensitive to this. The listener often wants

431

to maintain or impose his interpretation and does not

take into account what you indicate or suggest. This

freedom of choice of the listener to listen to what and to

what to react on the basis of what is activated in him,

makes it very difficult for the speaker to express himself

so that the other person would listen and react as you

would wish by the corresponding activation of himself or

herself.

You express your disappointment to your child for

something that he has not yet done. You hope to wake

him up so as to do what is expected of him. At the same

time you show that not only what he has not done, disap-

pointed you, but that you have also been shocked by him

and he really disappoints you. Your child finds this very

unjustifiably what he hears. He activates in himself what

he has already done for efforts to meet you. He sees him-

self as very welcoming and in fact too friendly, especially

when he is presented with an attack of you. From his

activated 'there is abuse of my being too friendly', he

chooses not to respond to your insistence at all. He expe-

riences that he is doing too much and is under pres-

sure. Your activation proposal in which you imagine your

son to be inadequate is not experienced as such by your

son. Instead of accepting this proposal of being inade-

quate, he experiences misunderstood and misunderstan-

ding. What he activates in himself does not help at all to

carry out what you expect from him.

432

Sometimes you are surprised that what you ask does not

get an answer or consequence. While a little later what a

friend of your child asks is answered and executed enthu-

siastically. The other person apparently succeeds in acti-

vating something in your child that makes it res-

pond. This could be the context, or the ideas that are in-

cluded with the question. No compelling context, but a

friendly context. No dull ideas, but playful, for

example. This context and these ideas awaken your child

and make it willing to answer and respond to the ques-

tion. Your context and your ideas are not accepted as

proposal. The child puts them aside. Immediately the

necessary dynamics are lacking to activate willingness as

a schema of your child to respond to your question.

As a parent you often indicate something that is not pos-

sible. To your surprise you can then notice that your child

reacts to this by saying that you do it yourself. Your child

then tries to activate your embarrassment with the situ-

ation so that you would bind in. It does not accept your

proposal to change, it changes this into a proposal to

change yourself and by trying to activate your embar-

rassment it tries to reach its goal.

In general, as a parent, you can notice that what you say

to your child will have more effect as the way you deal

with it is with less resistance, feeling hurt, activating an-

ger and defense. But you rather approach it in such a

way that it activates willingness, recognition, satisfaction

433

and cooperation, if possible in a friendly context with ap-

pealing ideas.

This also applies to yourself. Sometimes your child makes

you a negative activation proposal. He or she does not

recognize your authority, finds you a parent like that, re-

fuses to do what you ask for. You can make yourself

pretty angry about this and activate 'force' in you. You

may also choose not to feel misunderstood, but to see its

remarks as a problem your child has with itself to activate

the appropriate schemes in itself to respond to you. You

can choose to keep activating your schema and turn to

your child with the question of what is going on that it

has activated so much negativity. You might find out that

your child has activated deprivation and therefore re-

fuses to answer your question. If you can make it clear to

your child that what you ask for also applies to the

others, it may be self-inducing that it reacts to it from its

de-activated sense of deprivation and activated sense of

equality.

In addition to activation proposals that you can do to so-

meone, you can also, as in the example, come up with

deactivation proposals. This way you hope that if some-

thing has gone wrong earlier, this can be put to an end

and there is room for a more favorable interaction. To

achieve this, some things must be released and de-acti-

vated in advance. As long as this remains activated or

434

becomes constant, no favorable interaction can be ex-

pected. This de-activation can be done through what

you propose. This de-activation can also be done by the

other person, in order to create space for something

more favorable to activate, or to activate himself. The

deactivation and activation can go together in other

words. Where it forms the basis for the other: de-acti-

vating what allows activation, or activating what allows

de-activation.

It may be an advantage to assess the activated thoughts,

feelings and needs in your child as a parent. It can also

be an advantage to discover for yourself what you say

and do activates in your child specific thoughts, feelings

and needs. It is these thoughts, feelings and needs that

the child uses in his reaction to you. It can also be an ad-

vantage to teach your child to assess activated thoughts,

feelings and needs in someone, for example with you. It

can also be an advantage to teach your child to discover

what goes on in what it says and how activates specific

thoughts, feelings and needs in someone. Thoughts, fee-

lings and needs that are used to the child in the reaction

to him or her.

Your child is really annoying at a time when you yourself

are already very tense. Because the child does not get a

reaction from you, because you are really in need of rest,

it is trying to get more attention. This annoys you so that

your child does not take into account you and your state

435

of mind, that you send your child away. The child does

not understand what happened to it at all. It had no idea

at all of your already overloaded feelings. It also did not

understand that by its claiming of you, you activated your

rejection.

To help your child with this, you can give your child an

insight into what is already activated with you, you can

also make clear to your child what it activates in you by

what.

This way, if necessary, you can tell your child on time that

you are very tense and tired. This way you can also make

it clear to your child that claiming makes you easily irri-

table. It can then be important to explain to your child

how it can appeal to you without making you even more

tense. 'Ask it later again, then I can take more time for

it. Do you want to do this for me? "

In addition to teaching your child what is activated by so-

meone in what way, you can teach the child to become

acquainted with what is activated by itself in thoughts,

feelings and needs by what others say and do in the en-

vironment and by what of itself it is activating something.

Your child is easily agitated. It is not always clear to him

that this is related to the feeling of being criticized at that

time. By learning to discover the child that his quarrel

turns up when it experiences criticism, you can teach the

436

child how to avoid criticism. By helping your child by say-

ing something in such a way and doing something to

others that it does not give rise to criticism, the feeling of

being criticized and feeling attacked can be avoi-

ded. Because of this, excitement and quarreling can be

prevented.

It may be interesting to consider that a behavior, an ex-

pression or a reaction is not alone, but embedded in a

cognitive whole or cognitive schema, as a thought, fee-

ling and dynamic whole.

Some easily let activate something in them on the basis

of what someone says or does to them. Others prefer to

give priority to choosing self what to activate in what so-

meone says or does to them. Still others try to combine

what activates others and what they activate themsel-

ves. The first respond easily to others and often have

their reaction determined by others, the first tone. The

second choose to act themselves and let their 'pro'

action be determined by themselves, the second

tone. Children can learn that when their reaction easily

causes problems, then how to respond less to what

others decide, but more to choose themselves how to

act and how to deal with a difficult situation. So that

their behavior can not be determined by what they want

to avoid, but by what they want to achieve.

437

Because your youngest child fears being skipped when it

is its turn, it easily tries to be noticed prematurely. This

arouses the resentment among the two other child-

ren. These threaten to repeatedly rule him out altoge-

ther. This makes your youngest child so excited that he

constantly disturbs the game. This way he tries to avoid

not coming to its turn. What he does not achieve,

however, is that he so still has a chance to get a

turn. Your child could also have believed more in itself

and could rely on the other children. It could have tried

to keep to the rules and agreements and to be of 'good-

will' by being a good playmate. If it reminds the other

children on time and does not allow itself to provoke dis-

ruption, it is probably more likely to come to his turn.

438

Activation cycle

What do I want to activate ?

What do I activate myself in me ?

What is activated in me ?

What do I say and do ?

What says and does the orther how ?

What do I activate with the other?

What activates the other

himsrlf?

What does the other want to acti-

vate in me ?

Activation cycle

439

Direct and indirect

approach in paren-

ting

The direct approach in parenting is focused on the con-

crete behavior of the child. A characteristic feature of

this approach is that your action as a parent is directly

focused on whether or not your child is acting and how.

There is no attention for the child as such, or for the be-

havioral environmental elements. The intervention is

usually limited, relevant, on the matter and im-

mediate. Focused on the behavior or the absence of it.

Focus your parenting directly on your child's behavior

or indirectly focus on what surrounds it?

Nicely, just sitting each at its site

for a while !

440

The direct interaction is indicated if clarity, certainty and

limitation are required at the moment, without negati-

vely affecting the child or environment.

Typical direct parenting is:

Clearly agree with the child so that it knows exactly what

is possible and what is not.

Apply rules consistently.

Talk to the child when drawing up rules of conduct.

Specify place and time for certain behavior.

Intervene where necessary.

Adding habits and rituals as self-evident reactions.

Direct parenting is especially useful as:

So clarity, security and limitation are needed here and

now.

So it is not possible to work on the child or is not obvious.

So the situation can not just be changed or adjusted to

the child.

The indirect approach in parenting is aimed at the per-

son and the experience of the child and his physical and

social environment.

A characteristic of this approach is that you want to cre-

ate the ideal external and internal conditions and growth

context that makes development possible. Attention is

given to everything that indirectly, in both space and

441

time, can exert a positive or negative influence on the

child in one way or another.

Important perspectives are:

• to develop a positive and open relationship

which you, as a parent, present yourself as a

person who already realizes the human being

to a considerable degree and knows how to

get a good height of the child;

• creating an affective good climate that pro-

motes 'personality growth' and

• the use of living situations so that they offer

optimal opportunities for self-development

of the child.

Typical indirect parenting is:

Listening to what lives with the child.

Helping the child to express feelings.

Talk to the child in an open manner.

Creating an open climate with open communication.

Providing ordening and regularity.

Trying to take away tensions in the child.

Creating a living environment that promotes personal

growth.

Building a positive relationship with the child.

Stimulating social interaction with children.

A good way to deal with child.

Living together with child from which spontaneous de-

velopment can arise.

442

Offering identification options for child.

Expressing cheerfulness and humor.

Promote active openness to the world.

Helping to develop a life plan for the child.

Indirect parenting is especially useful:

As a basis that makes the development of the child pos-

sible.

If the child is very sensitive to the environment.

According to researcher at the University of California

Alison Gopnik, there are parents who previously act to-

wards a preconceived development goal for their child,

as a carpenter. They have a certain type of child for eye

that develops into an ideal adult. This is in contrast to

parents who create favorable conditions for their child

that enable their own growth and development, diffe-

rent from other children and themselves as parents,

such as a gardener. It seems desirable that the first ap-

proach that emerged from previous research could be

replaced by the second approach that is more in line

with recent research. According to her, parents should

not shape what is going on in their child's head. It is bet-

ter that they allow their brain to explore all the possibili-

ties that the world offers them.

The positioning of the direct and indirect approach

to each other can be done by placing the parental

action directly aimed at the child's actions against the in-

443

direct parenting that takes place around the child's act-

ions. This last action can relate to the concrete behavi-

oral situation or the broader context, or to the relations-

hip with the child, or to the conceptual framework for

parenting, also called the living and upbringing climate.

It goes without saying that both approaches can be used

additionally. That in addition to attention that you give

to certain behavior that you may or may not want for

your child, you can also pay attention to the situation,

relationship and climate in dealing with your child. Yet

you will find that you have to act more directly at certain

moments, while at other times a more indirect approach

is possible or desirable. In the direct approach, you strive

for an immediate result ; in the indirect approach, the

effect can be expected in the longer term.

The child is on the border between direct and indi-

rect. Strictly speaking, the direct approach does not fo-

cus on the child but directly on his behavior. Strictly

speaking, the indirect approach focuses on the circum-

stances for the behavior. As a parent, you can of course

turn to the child who shows a certain behavior in certain

circumstances and speak to it. This way you can state

that talking with the child and appealing to the child is

part of the indirect approach. The child is then expected

to adjust his behavior, or attention is given to the child

444

so that he can adjust his behavior. For example, the fati-

gue or the stress of the child are reduced so that the

child can better adjust himself.

Find out what is parenting directly and indirectly:

Rune, 5 years old, has a hard time. He constantly rubs

against his two-year-old brother Thomas.He has enough

of it. He wants to defend his territory in the back seat of

the car at any cost.

Mama Birgit tries to appease them with Nicely, sit quiet

each on its side for a while!'

'Thomas, you are the oldest', Daddy Bart tries, 'can you

be the bravest?'

"Bart, should we not stop and eat and drink a bit," Birgit

asks with some concern. 'We may be able to get away

from the road a little further and take time to picnic at

this beautiful weather and take a short walk', Bart tries

to give everyone courage.

"Rune and Thomas, I'll sit between you both, then I can

read to you from the comic that Thomas got this morning

for his birthday. Or if you like it, I also want to chat with

you. That has had not much of a chance lately”', Mum

Birgit tries to meet them.

“Bart, maybe it was not such a good idea to want to drive

all the way at once because we wanted to make a day

445

trip out of it. Maybe we should take an overnight stay

next time. It really does require a lot of each. Especially

now that we have noticed that everyone apparently

wants to go the same way and we are going much slower

with the car than we thought. ' "This seems a good idea

to me, Birgit. That way we can keep it pleasant and re-

laxing for everyone and we do not put too much pressure

on ourselves. '

Gopnik, A. (2017). The parenting paradox: about the pa-

rent as gardener or carpenter. Amsterdam: Publisher

Nieuwezijds.

446

Keep distance

and go on

As a parent or child you experience occasionally that you

should do or say something, but that something in your

environment or something in yourself prevents you from

doing or saying this. You do or say nothing at all, or you

do or say something different than what you wanted.

The pressure from the outside was too big, or the pres-

sure from within yourself was too strong, so that you did

not go through. Somewhat externally or internally tried

to make something clear to you and sell something to

you and you listened and bought it. You left it to some-

thing external or internal and you gave them the

Sometimes thoughts, feelings, memories and percep-

tions of yourself or of your environment bother you.

How to keep a distance and continue anyway ?

447

lead. You did not choose how you would deal with some-

thing and what influence you would give some-

thing. There was no distance whatsoever, what the out-

side world wanted or did not want, or something you

wanted or did not want took over, so that you had no

more freedom and could not choose. You had sidelined

yourself.

The outside world may overtake you with certain

thoughts and certain feelings and they are so penetra-

ting that you can not ignore them. You take them over

as your thoughts and your feelings and you let them im-

mediately act and determine your reaction. The

thought, for example, that you can not do something

right and the feeling that you will fail. This easily under-

mines your self-confidence and your spontaneous fee-

ling of being successful and that it will be easy. The in-

tention was perhaps a clumsy attempt by the environ-

ment to let you make more effort. But it activated a

weakness thinking and weakness feeling in you.

Possibly you yourself as a parent or child have a ten-

dency, whether or not under the influence of the envi-

ronment, to develop certain thoughts and certain fee-

lings that are so penetrating that you can not ignore

them. You then experience these thoughts as true to

reality and experience the feelings as a reflection of a

real situation. The thought, for example, that others

don’t like you and the feeling to be not welcome. This

448

easily undermines your self-image and your self-

esteem. The intention of yourself was perhaps to protect

you from any disappointment. But it activated a weak-

ness thinking and weakness feeling in you.

Many of those thoughts and feelings that come to you

from your surroundings or from yourself, have to do with

previous experiences or possible fantasies and are sto-

red in the memory. In the memory of someone from

your surroundings or in your own memory. If a new si-

tuation in which a performance has to be delivered or

where you have to be accepted and get opportunities,

then these memories of real experiences or possible fan-

tasies easily reappear. They have to help you or warn

you. But in reality they usually stop you or hinder you, so

that it is possible that things go wrong.

These emotional and experience memories are stored in

schemes in memory, respectively emotional and cogni-

tive memory schemes. In a new situation they are easily

activated as accompanying. They allow you to deal with

the situation more easily by making available what you

have already experienced in such situations. They also

allow that new experiences and feelings in the current

situation are added to the memory schemes for later

use.

However, a risk is that they will disrupt the perception

and handling of the current situation. The situation is no

449

longer approached without prejudice and spontane-

ously, but it is emotionally and cognitively recognized

and reduced to what has already been experienced and

what is already known. If these previous feelings and

stored knowledge about the situation are pleasant and

favorable, this can only be helpful. However, if these

previous feelings and stored knowledge are unpleasant

and unfavorable, they hold a certain risk for your current

interaction.

In such situations the unpleasant and unfavorable me-

mories can better be omitted. However, this is easier

said than done. They emerge spontaneously to help or

warn. Help to take a threshold, to warn of a possible pit-

fall. In reality, however, trying to omit these unpleasant

memories as a parent or as a child, usually mean that you

are going to get away from the whole situation, but miss

out on a lot of opportunities.

In order to avoid this avoidance, you can choose not to

escape the emerging memories, but to keep them at a

distance, so that they will be less disruptive to your ac-

tions and reactions. The thoughts and feelings of your

environment or of yourself are still there and you recog-

nize them. However, you are no longer involved in

it. You may not find them correct or right. You just do

not take them over. You just do not give them the

lead. You do not let yourself be sidelined. You ensure,

however, that there is sufficient distance between those

450

thoughts and feelings on the one hand from activated

memory schemes and yourself and reality on the

other. You choose yourself how you want to deal with

it. For example, as if not correct, not right, not usable,

not applicable, not helpful, as disturbing, as if past, and

so on. You choose how much and what influence you al-

low.

It can always be a good idea to keep a healthy distance

with your thoughts and feelings. They give something up

to now, they indicate what you can expect. However,

they give no guarantee for here and now and for the

further course. Keeping in mind that things can be diffe-

rently and can be done differently, leave thoughts and

feelings for what they are, namely as information. This

prevents them from taking the lead or taking

over. Because of this distance you can continue despite

thoughts and feelings that you want to inform and warn.

At most you can continue to give them the function of

informing you, so that you can continue to be better ar-

med and with more effort or more alert.

It can also always be a good idea to keep a healthy dis-

tance from your emotional and experience memories

stored in your memory schemes. By experiencing them

less as fixed, but as complementary and changeable, you

give them their real and meaningful meaning. Informa-

tion from the past that you try to help for the future, but

certainly open to other future experiences to store in

451

your changing memory images for the further changing

future.

For example, as a parent or child you can experience fee-

lings of insecurity or disappointment without automati-

cally being insecure or reacting disappointedly. For

example, as a parent or child, you may experience

thoughts of possible failure or of possibly be rejected,

without responding as if you would fail or were rejected.

By keeping a distance from a representation of a situa-

tion, you can continue in the reality of the situa-

tion. Otherwise, there is a danger that the represen-

tation will arise between you and the reality of the situ-

ation, so that it prevents you from dealing with it. By gi-

ving the representation a less central place and putting

it more to the side at a certain distance, you can see and

decide for yourself what is relevant and what you can

use.

You do not keep away from the situation, which easily

happens to you with expressing thoughts, feelings and

memories. You then keep away from your thoughts, fee-

lings and memories, so that you can continue in the si-

tuation.

Keeping your distance prevents you from having to deny

or ignore thoughts, feelings and memories. It also pre-

vents you from having to change your thoughts, feelings

452

and memories, which usually does not work as well be-

cause they are the synthesis of your previous expe-

riences. Synthesis that can change step by step on the

basis of new and hopefully more positive and favorable

experiences, but can not suddenly turn around or can be

thought or felt in the opposite.

A healthy distance to thoughts, feelings and memories is

a distance that allows you to make your own choices and

to let you take the lead. The thoughts, feelings and me-

mories are yours, and not the other way that your

thoughts, feelings and memories possess you. You also

do not automatically coincide with your thoughts, fee-

lings and memories and you do not just identify yourself

with them and not just completely.

As a parent, or as a child, or together, you can try to gain

experience with distance. You can do this in new real si-

tuations. You can also do this by means of past remem-

bered situations. As a parent, you can stand in front of

your child as a model and keep going. For example, you

can show your child that being angry does not im-

mediately mean being angry without control and restric-

tion. This way your child can learn to feel irritation wit-

hout having to be irritating.

So far we have indicated why and how to keep a distance

from what you or someone else raises in you, especially

your thoughts, feelings and memories.

453

Keeping distance can also be used by keeping the situa-

tion itself at a sufficient distance, so that it prevents un-

wanted thoughts, feelings and memories in yourself or

your surroundings. By keeping a sufficient distance in a

situation and in relation to a situation, but also by looking

at and absorbing a situation from a sufficient distance,

you can try to achieve this. In this way you avoid giving

the guidance to the situation and being determined by

the situation.

This way you do not coincide with a potentially unfavo-

rable situation. That something failed, that others do not

accept you, does not automatically have to evoke fee-

lings, thoughts or memories in you. It is an actual reality

that you does not give the power to overwhelm yourself

and to determine what to feel and indirectly how to re-

act. That you did not succeed the first time, that you

were not allowed to participate immediately, you can

put it yourself at a sufficient distance, you become less

angry, you start thinking less that you can not do some-

thing or do not count, you start to conclude less that try-

ing again does not make sense and you can continue to

believe in it.

It can be experienced that often too much meaning is

given to thoughts, feelings, memories and the situa-

tion. This can be further enhanced by the sensitivity of

yourself to such a sense of meaning for yourself. Or

454

strengthened by the power of forced or self-generated

thoughts, feelings, memories and situational percep-

tion. This may be because they come to you with a lot of

external pressure, or because you yourself develop more

than just expressive thoughts, feelings, memories or per-

ceptions. Especially then it will be important to know to

keep distance, to be able to continue to be important.

What does the practice say?

As a parent or child I easily get involved with the thoughts

and feelings of others who make it difficult for me : yes or

As a parent or child I easily get involved with thoughts

and feelings of myself that make it difficult for me : yes or

I take spontaneously over the thoughts and feelings of

others as a parent or child : yes or no

I identify myself as a parent or child with my thoughts

and feelings : yes or no

I want to be more independent as a parent or child and

to keep away from the thoughts and feelings from the

environment : yes or no

I want to be more independent as a parent or child and

to keep away from self-developed thoughts and fee-

lings : yes or no

The thoughts and feelings provided by the environment

do not stop me (no longer) as a parent or child from con-

tinuing : yes or no

455

My thoughts and feelings developed by myself do not

stop me (no longer) as a parent or child from continu-

ing : yes or no

I experience that as a parent or child I give more than just

meaning to more than just expressive thoughts, feelings,

memories and observations from outside or from my-

self : yes or no

456

Capacity & burden of the family

Each of us has a certain capacity and each is confronted

with a certain burden in daily life. Likewise, a family has

a certain capacity and is faced with a certain burden.

Simply put, you could assume that the capacity of the fa-

mily is the sum of the capacities of the family mem-

bers. You could also assume that the load is the sum of

the loads of each individual.

It is not that simple. In addition to the individual carrying

capacity, the group can also provide a certain carrying

capacity. But just as individual capacity can be greatly re-

duced or even be absent for shorter or longer periods of

time, the capacity of the family group can be greatly re-

duced or even absent for shorter or longer periods of

time. The presence or absence of the individual carrying

capacity can also influence the presence or absence of

the joint carrying capacity. But conversely, the presence

Also the family has a certain carrying capacity and has

a certain load capacity. These fluctuate over time.

457

or absence of group support can influence the presence

or absence of individual capacity. In other words, family

members can derive part of their capacity from being

part of the family group. Conversely, the family group

can derive its capacity from the input of individual family

members. Belonging to this family makes you

strong. This family is strong because she can rely on

you. You gain strength from the capacity of the fa-

mily. The family acquires strength from your capa-

city. This way you can say that family members have a

greater capacity than if they were not members of the

family with capacity. You can also say that family mem-

bers have a lower level of ability when they are part of a

family with a greatly reduced or lost capacity than if they

were not a family member.

It is similar to what concerns the burden. In addition to

the individual load, the group can also ensure a certain

load. But just as the individual can ensure reduced or ab-

sent payload, the group can also try to reduce the

burden of work or reduce it. The presence or absence of

the individual load can also influence the presence or ab-

sence of the joint load. Conversely, the presence or ab-

sence of the group burden can affect the presence or ab-

sence of the individual load. In other words, family mem-

bers can be partially confronted with the burden that

comes from the family group. Conversely, the family

group can partly see its burden as a result of the indivi-

dual burden.

458

Summarized, this means that the group can make you

stronger or even weaker in terms of capacity. This de-

pends on whether or not the group has a certain capa-

city. And that the group can make you get more or less

burden. This depends on whether the group has more or

less load. Ideal for family members is a strong supporting

group that forms a buffer for to be overloaded. It is

usually for that reason that people like to be part of a

group. She provides strength and protection.

However, as soon as that group force and that group

protection are reduced and disappear, and group weak-

ness and group load take its place, it can be seen that the

family members are under severe pressure. It under-

mines your own power and increases your own load. If

you already have a small amount of power and you are

already being loaded to a large extent yourself, we

quickly see a shortage of own power with the increased

load.

You can feel this intuitively as a family member and you

are therefore willing to make a lot of effort to keep the

family group going and keeping the pressure and burden

of the family group as low as possible. A lot of individual

efforts are being made for group strength and the pro-

tection of the group. The more so because family mem-

bers may experience for themselves that they do not

have sufficient individual capacity and that they are con-

fronted with too great an individual burden. So that one

459

hopes to be sustained thanks to the capacity of the

group and its lower load. Sometimes little attention is

given to their own carrying capacity and bearing load and

they concentrate on the carrying capacity of the group

and its bearing load. It is no longer about itself but it is

about the group. This is what it then comes turning on

in your own way of thinking and doing.

The interaction between the mental, physical health and

psychological resilience of the individual family members

on the one hand, and the resilience of the family on the

other, is nevertheless crucial for the optimal functioning

of the family. It determines the well-being of the family.

This was very concretely demonstrated by a survey of

the Greek population in which the relationship between

the resilience of the family on the one hand and the well-

being of the parents and the resilience of the parents on

the other was studied.

Specifically, it was, for example, found that parents, who

reported higher levels of coping strategies in terms of fa-

mily resilience, were more likely to report higher levels

of well-being and psychological resilience as a parent.

However, no significant differences were found in family

resilience on the one hand and parental well-being and

resilience on the other hand between mothers and

fathers.

460

For the good functioning of the family it is important that

her capacity can be greater than her burden. This capa-

city is not stable but constantly evolving and possibly

changing. Similarly, the load is not stable but also in evo-

lution and often changing.

For the family, it can then be important to pay perma-

nent attention to maintaining its capacity and, if pos-

sible, increasing it. For the family, it can also be impor-

tant to pay permanent attention to keeping its burden

sufficiently low and, if possible, having it reduced. This

can create a certain reserve and a surplus that prevents

the family from losing their carrying capacity if the

burden is too high.

Spontaneously and permanently, a number of elements

and processes can be present that strengthen the car-

rying capacity. Spontaneously and permanently, a num-

ber of elements and processes can also be present that

reduce the carrying capacity. Some of these elements

and processes can not be influenced immediately. They

form the protective or risk factors and processes pre-

sent.

A number of other, however, can be influenced, which

can contribute to the carrying capacity. Getting these

elements and processes in the picture can contribute to

a greater capacity.

461

For example, it can be established that each family mem-

ber develops a number of contents that relate to each

other. These are display, ordering and relationship con-

tents that contribute to determining and contributing re-

lational interaction and communication to a certain ex-

tent. Among other things, they take the form of relatio-

nal and communicative schemes. These schemes sum-

marize each person's personal experience and

knowledge in relational and relation-communicative

fields (representations) as organized representations

(presentations) that outline what is and can be expected

of (and within) the family relationship (re-representa-

tion). They are mental plans at an abstract level that are

implicit and provide direction for relational and commu-

nicative action and serve as structures for interpreting

and summarizing knowledge and experience informa-

tion.

These cognitive relations and relationship schemes are

surrounded by a web of broader (cultural, context, situa-

tion) and person-related (individuality, state, self-image,

the others) schemes. Of importance here are the

schemes used about themselves, each other and the en-

vironment with a view to reaction and assignment in or-

der to be able to use the most optimal opportunities for

each and the relationship. Who, what or how am

I? Who, what or how is the other? Who, what or how

is the environment? And how can they respond to each

other? Because new experiences are constantly being

462

gained and new knowledge and insights are gained,

these schemes are subject to change.

Among other things, under the influence of this conti-

nuous cognitive activity, in addition to the real interac-

tion, these family relationships tend to be constantly

changing, unstable and non-linearly evolving. That is why

so much mental energy is often invested in understan-

ding one's own relationship with the other family mem-

bers and their evolution, in an effort to get a more stra-

tegic grip on it.

To this end, family members use relational trajectories

such as cognitive schemas with regard to the relational

history, the relational situation and the relational fu-

ture. Especially the future-oriented trajectory is impor-

tant because one's personal actions and the assessment

of the other's actions partly tends to be based on the ex-

pected future relationship, in addition to the current re-

lationship situation. Just as these trajectory schemes in-

fluence action and discussion, the concrete behavioral

and conversational experiences also influence the trajec-

tory schemes.

Because these relational mental schemas exist for each

family member separately and are seldom fully aligned,

relationships are often in motion. The tensions present

sometimes lead to strategic and tactical relational talking

463

and acting, in which interaction and discussions are pro-

vided in order to achieve certain joint relations and com-

munication perspectives in reality or on a mental level.

Thus, in the partner relationship of the parents and in

the parent-child relationship, phases in the course of

their development can be recognized. Phases that once

again contribute to a greater joint capacity. Then again

phases in which the carrying capacity loses strength.

For example, in a relationship one wants, as often at the

beginning, to seek and experience an intense rela-

tionship with a lot of tenderness, a we-feeling, which at

times becomes (too) oppressive and requires a lot of

itself.

On the basis of this experience one goes or chooses ea-

sily towards himself, an ego-orientation. Putting oneself

in the foreground, which implies pressure on the other

to change, to meet one's own wishes and ideals and to

become as one imagines or wishes the other.

Tempering experiences, in turn, bring the perspective of

coexisting with one another in the foreground. From in-

creased insight, preferably with as little pressure as pos-

sible from the relationship and from the other. But ra-

ther, as has become clear, leaving room for the rela-

tionship as feasible and as desired and with room for

464

each as one wants and each wants to be. Not as deter-

mined by the other person, but with being accepted by

and with the help of that other person and the relations-

hip.

In order to be able to result in a co-existing (mutual) re-

lationship with one another, in which one comes to

share with the other from the gained autonomy and the

acquired integrity. With an enriching and strengthening

of each other and the relationship based on affective in-

volvement, shared intimacy, appreciation, solidarity and

participation. With a finding of each other, with tender

attention and care for what is at issue, but also for

oneself and the other and for the relationship.

In this way the relationship always acquires a different

perspective, balancing between us and me and a mixture

of both, in order to continue to realize a viable and satis-

fying situation that is decisive for the available capacity

as a family group.

In this developmental course of the parent-child rela-

tionship and the partner relationship of the parents, a

different schema can always be the central focus : the

we-feeling, the self-centeredness, the mutual co-exis-

tence. Or, if necessary, a schema can be made more cen-

tral: the we-feeling, the together-with-each other (stan-

ding). Sometimes the same schematic contents are ac-

tivated simultaneously on the two sides, sometimes

465

not. Especially if this is not the case, this can influence

the carrying capacity to a lesser or more pronounced de-

gree in an unfavorable direction. Sometimes it turns out

to be one or two-sided around avoiding certain schema

contents, such as the we-feeling or the I-feeling.

Schemes that are attractively or 'repulsively' activated

can provide an increase in the load-bearing capacity that

is appropriate for the bearing load. They can also reduce

or undermine the capacity. Often is responded to an ac-

tivated scheme that is less appropriate. Since schemes

contain, in addition to an actual element, also a feeling

and value element, this feeling and value element easily

holds someone in this scheme. Their use may be more

emotional and judiciously satisfactory for someone. So-

metimes the schema also makes that the feelings and va-

lue judgments contained in it make someone react to the

others. As a result, there is still little eye for reality and it

is difficult to get away from it because of the emotional

and the expressed opinion. The factual element and re-

ality are still little discussed. One is held in the schema,

as it were, and holds the other in the confrontation. This

while the activation and use of another schema might

offer a better understanding and way out.

For example, family members can accuse each other of

shortcomings in one or more areas. The feelings and va-

lue judgments that hang around here can make the at-

466

tacked family members feel misunderstood for their ef-

forts and just find that the other person himself does not

want to notice this. It then turns out to be a lot about a

mutual shortcoming. This can easily lead to appropria-

tion on both sides of the right to defend itself and to no

longer commit itself to such an ungrateful person. And

this just at a time when each is very vulnerable and the

joint capacity deserves some support.

At such a moment, looking together at the problems that

each encounter and the effort that everyone has already

made to overcome, can make the perspective of the

other more interesting and so one can mitigate his ex-

pectations towards each other. A completely different

scheme is then activated. A scheme that can contribute

to the collective capacity. Each feels acknowledged in

his difficulties. This can reduce the distance to each

other, as a result of which the carrying capacity can in-

crease, or at least space can arise.

For example, in households with a disturbed balance

between carrying capacity and bearing load, it often

turns around or is about not being able to talk to each

other anymore, let alone influence each other. Either it

revolves around a constant confrontation, or it revolves

around avoiding as much as possible and avoiding each

other. The schemes confrontation and pressure are then

activated, or the schemes distance and ignore. By activa-

ting and switching on other schemes such as space and

467

openness, communication may be kicked off and re-in-

fluenced.

For example, in a family with a disturbed balance bet-

ween carrying capacity and bearing capacity the

pleasant and positive moments can be little or no longer

present. Everything revolves around unpleasant and ne-

gative moments. The attempt to preserve the remaining

favorable moments or to search again, if necessary with

the help of the outside world, can make it turn around

something favorable. This may offer the strength to

tackle the difficulties and tensions seen in its real pers-

pective and to bring them to a solution. What in fact

would then have to contribute to building capacity,

would otherwise increase the load. So that the share of

carrying capacity then easily reaches the share of the

load. The family is then no longer a strong force, but it is

a heavy burden.

The living situation in which the family ended up can thus

activate certain schemes. But the family members can

also choose together from the existing living situation

with the problems that arise there, which cause the bur-

den of carrying, to set themselves as a family objectives

to deal with this difficult life situation. This set of com-

mon goals in relation to dealing with the existing difficul-

ties can make one find each other easier, and so the ca-

pacity to bear can increase. These joint objectives can

then activate joint schemes that can help the assignment

468

for which one has placed themselves to a successful con-

clusion. The joint objectives then create a new or more

appropriate context that enables and appeals to a diffe-

rent approach. In this context, see the theme brochure

' How contextual are you?'

Similarly, family members can come to realize how im-

portant the group support is for each. This is possible

from the observation that this threatens to be lost or is

virtually absent. From there they can then choose to go

back to each other and to find out how by activating

which individual and joint schemes the objective of a

joint capacity again give opportunities.

The context of the family - to provide support for sharing

the burden - can be the guiding factor for self-imposed

objectives. In this connection, see the theme 'Sustaina-

ble interplay' of this encyclopedia.

Formulate for yourself what the family capacity or sup-

port can strengthen?

For each given answer, indicate:

What does the concept mean for you now:

what content could this be:

what is your behavioral response to this:

which way could this be:

where and when is this activated:

what could this be:

469

to whom is it activated:

what could this be:

how often is it activated:

what could this be:

which objective is discussed here:

what could this be:

Would you like some suggestions to strengthen family

capacity ?

Gaining :

attention to health

attention to sufficient rest

attention to relaxation

attention to leisure

attention to processing

attention for letting go

attention to positive experiences

attention to themselves

attention to self-knowledge

attention to self-esteem

attention to self-confidence

attention to skills

attention for interests

attention to problem handling

attention to coping mechanisms

attention to knowledge & experience

attention to time management

attention to contact

470

attention to proximity

attention for involvement

attention to protection

attention for support

attention to expression

attention to planning

attention to dosage

attention to mental preparation

attention to stress signals

attention for ....

Formulate for yourself what the family burden

can reduce?

For each given answer, indicate:

what does the concept mean for you now:

what content could this be:

what is your behavioral response to this:

which way could this be:

where and when is this activated:

what could this be:

to whom is it activated:

what could this be:

how often is it activated:

what could this be:

which objective is discussed here:

what could this be:

471

Would you like some suggestions on how to reduce the

load?

limiting tasks and assignments

limits from which no control

limiting changes

limiting what isn't clear

limiting uncertainties

limiting expectations

limiting requirements

limiting conditions

limiting obligations

limiting the pressure exerted

limiting time pressure

limiting accumulation

limiting say yes

limiting stress sources

limiting obstacles

mitigate difficulties

restricting confrontation

mitigate risks

restricting resistances

restricting hold

restricting enlargements

mitigate negative representations

restricting stereotypical thinking

restricting (self) criticism

restricting hypersensitivity

restricting overanxiety

472

limiting overreaction

limiting of ...

473

Drug use

child

Relationship with your child

As a parent you don't want to have to deal with it. How-

ever, you may suspect that your child is using drugs at

some time. Or you will hear from the school or through

the CLB, the center for pupil guidance. They appeal to

you to inform you and get your cooperation.

Ideally, you want to prevent your child from contact with

drugs and take preventive action. You can try to do this

by offering a favorable home, giving your child sufficient

attention and support, following your child with whom

he or she interacts and where they are staying. Maybe

you choose to let his friends come to your home, so that

It is not easy today as a parent to prevent your child

from having contact with drugs. What can you do

preventively and how can you respond? How to talk

to your child, activate his own forces and offer sup-

port with regard to drug use?

474

you have a clear view of your child and you don't have to

check something. You can also do something together at

intervals, this strengthens the mutual bond and that is

how you build up credit. Regularly talking to your child

as openly as possible can also make you have a good idea

of what it is doing. You can read more about this in the

theme section ‘Connected parenting’ of this encyclope-

dia.

It is important to build a relationship of trust with your

child so that you know that your child would not just ac-

cept a proposal to use drugs. Knowing your child well can

make you know that not only adults must protect it from

drugs. Your child can act on its own or from what it thinks

as a sufficient brake that ensures that it does not go be-

yond its own limits.

Own attitude towards drugs

As a parent you usually have a number of negative rep-

resentations of drugs and drug use. It leads to addiction.

Your child is on the wrong track. It jeopardizes its future.

It ends up in a wrong circle of friends, a circle of often

older drug users. You lose contact with and control over

your child. It is sent from school. It comes into contact

with the police and the youth judiciary. Your child is in

danger. There is no way back. It causes damage to his

health, also mental damage. The child is in financial

need. It goes from bad to worse.

475

You will often want to convey this to your child: going

beyond certain limits also means ending up in a closed,

isolated world and thus sidelining themselves or being

sidelined. That it only seems that drugs offer something,

but that you actually lose. That you blow up bridges and

you risk your future. Even though these are your fears

and this is your opinion, overwhelming your child with

this usually provokes resistance and distance because

your child lives in the here and now and only perceives

immediate consequences. Many of these fears are un-

necessary because most young people get no further

than getting acquainted with drugs during experimental

and occasional use.

Some people don't think drugs are a problem. You may

be thinking for yourself, as an adult or in some situations.

However, it often seems like a defense of your child and

the situation in which it ended up. You want to show the

outside world that there is no problem with your child

and that everything is okay. However, this means that

you offer insufficient help and support to the outside

world. Something that can seem as if you are indifferent

to the situation.

If there is a problem, you may find that your child uses a

different logic, as if it is on a different wavelength. It does

not seem approachable and is not open to reason. As if

something or others determine and dominate his behav-

ior. You are no longer in the front row. On the contrary,

476

the child tries to avoid you. A personal conversation is no

longer possible. You have the feeling that you are losing

your child.

Short and long term

If there is a perceived or identified problem, you will

want to act primarily in the short term. Preferably as

early as possible, preferably at the first contact. Your ac-

tions are primarily problem-oriented, curative and ques-

tion-oriented. The latter involves finding out what your

child needs and what is underlying when a problem is

present with your child, such as helping to get a grip on

its behavior and itself, gaining more confidence, helping

to put a stop to its unfavorable situation, more support

and the necessary structure.

In addition, it is best to remember not to forget a long-

term perspective. You can then act in a solution-ori-

ented, preventive and vision-oriented manner to pre-

vent beginning or relapse. In this way, before your child

comes into contact with drugs, you can talk about it so

that it can develop an attitude towards use. This is nec-

essary because just about every child will come into con-

tact with drugs and there is before more room for your

input and model.

477

Signals and signs

In the first phase, as a parent, it will be important to gain

insight into what is happening during use. You can ask

your child about it without immediately condemning or

accusing it, and you can inquire the environment. You

can also pay attention to certain signals and signs that

are noticeable from certain changes, such as somewhat

peculiar and aloof behavior, indifference, absence,

changed feelings, emotions, thinking and attitude. Or

you can look at what is striking, such as certain equilib-

rium disorders, exaggerated talking or silence, unrest,

giggling, coordination problems, neglect of tasks and

oneself, or possibly your child who appears rather con-

fused. If necessary, you can magnify these symptoms for

yourself to better notice them.

You can also pay attention to possible symptoms in social

behavior, such as unexpected or changing group for-

mation and separate groups that arise. You can also pay

attention to symptoms in communicative behavior, such

as secret language, rumors, drug knowledge and vocab-

ulary and stories. Your child may initially want to deny or

minimize use. Then indicate that you already know and

there is a problem for you.

478

Underlying trigger

In conversation you can search for clarification for the

underlying trigger. Is it out of curiosity or boredom, or is

your child looking for a kick or pleasure experience, does

it form part of its search for its own identity, does it want

to belong somewhere to or not be excluded, or does it

want to drown out a bad feeling. In other words, is it

looking for a surplus, or is it a loss. In the first case it is

about a search for pleasure and its repetition, in the sec-

ond case it is about removing pain and bad feeling and

not experiencing the appearance. Hereby you can try to

find out which phase of drug use your child is in: is it ex-

perimental (curiosity, belonging), regular (recurring,

when the occasion arises), critic (with consequences,

making a choice), addiction (absorbing, need for money),

despair (impasse, everything went through). You can

take into account that most young people are in the first

phase and their use is incidental and that only a small

number are in the last phase.

Thinking and acting together

Based on your expressed concern and involvement, you

and your child can think about who can do what and

how. It is important to help your child discover what to

want and to be able to change in which way. Make it

clear that behavior only has a chance to stop after you

have decided to change and have chosen to stop it. You

479

can talk to your child in such a way that it can make an

assessment of his situation and find the strength within

itself to conduct his further reaction. With this you can

see what the child wants in principle and what the reality

is now. For example, not wanting drugs for themselves

instead of participating with others, finding their own

way instead of risk-taking behavior, feeling good instead

of looking for kicks, and so on. You can take into account

that your child will be more inclined to respond posi-

tively if you can come to specific actions together to

change the current situation. You can opt to talk about

this in a non-moralizing, but process-oriented and result-

oriented manner (from, for example, refusing to talk is

not allowed, to refusing to cooperate makes me uncer-

tain and worried; from, for example, ignoring is wrong,

to ignoring one person can hurt him a lot and can make

himself feel ignored, ...). It will be hereby important that

you always remain a point of contact and resource for

when something goes wrong, such as a overdose.

Your child will often be able to be communicatively influ-

enced. It will want to take into account or respond to

what is expressed and what is therefore audible, or there

will be a response from what you show and is therefore

visible. The child may have been in a bubble and will feel

placed in reality by your intervention. Sometimes only

what can be felt through your behavior or through aids,

such as increased supervision and control, or through

480

others will count. However, you can best start communi-

cating and if this fails, you can switch to behavioral re-

sponses. This generally applies that the less invasive and

the more personal input from the child are preferred.

For example, it is often sufficient to give the necessary

signals of what you do not want and what you do want

instead or about what was agreed, so you do not give a

free pass and free play. You do not let happen use wit-

hout reaction, but you try to be as fast as possible with

your signals.

Social pressure

It is possible that during conversation it appears that

your child is under social pressure to use and that it does

not know how to protect or defend itself. This often hap-

pens due to uncertainty or fear of rejection. You can

then clarify to your child how to say no and express less

uncertainty and fear. Together you can go through what

valid and useful no-answers to an invitation to drug use

could be for him or her. Such as, I am over it, no appetite

for it, allergic to it, I prefer rather ..., no interest in it, no

desire to mess up one's health or condition, not being

used, no confidence in, unreliable substance, all tried but

did me nothing, to find for anything else but not for that,

choose myself what I want, decide for myself what I

don't want, have decided for myself not to participate in

this, don't want the feeling that taking drugs take it over

from me, know cool things to spend my money on, don't

481

need a kick to get a kick, I can do without and you ?,

wants to take it easy for a while, don't want trouble,

don't think everyone here wants too, I'm just 'kicking

off', ask someone else, I prefer other 'stuff', you can have

mine, you can take my place, friends let everyone choose

themselves. The more confident and less fear of rejec-

tion is shown, the more powerful it can work out with

less chance of adverse side effects. You can support this

as a parent by helping your child to develop a positive

sense of self and sufficient self-confidence.

You can also try to influence group pressure. To this end,

you can monitor whether your peers are not adversely

affecting each other in an unfavorable way, possibly with

pressure, threat, dominance, dependence, uniformity,

defenselessness, social media, selective sources of infor-

mation, deprivation of support, demands for loyalty, sac-

rifice and secrecy.

Own share of approach and share of others

As a parent you can first pick it up yourself, if possible

together with the school or youth organization. In the

event of repetition or regularity, you can appeal to pro-

fessional services and, in the case of continuity and ab-

sorption, refer to specialized centers. You can obtain in-

formation anonymously from the telephone information

service, the DrugLijn.

482

At the same time, in contacts with the school or the pupil

guidance center, you can ask to raise the awareness of

pupils by informing them, pointing out serious risks and

risks to safety, health, development and mortgaging the

future for themselves and fellow pupils. You can ask to

indicate possible consequences for pupils and missed

opportunities. Learn to assess risks together with pupils

and view the downside of something. Requesting atten-

tion for their own choice, their own assignment, their

own responsibility, their own possibility and their own

limits. For individual problems, you can ask a teacher to

discuss with the pupil how he or she can deal with the

problem, how the teacher thinks he or she can deal with

the problem from what you expect or hope as a parent,

and how the pupil, the teacher and the group can handle

the problem together.

Change takes time

As a parent you cannot expect that the problem behav-

ior will immediately be omitted and the problem will be

solved immediately. You can determine what is still un-

resolved (you would now, you were not there, you did

this, ...), and indicate the direction where you want to go

(I would like, we expect that, you would, we agreed). ..),

indicate the work and effort required for this (we are not

there yet, try to expand what is successful, ...) and indi-

483

cate your own willingness and commitment (I will sup-

port you in this, you can always come and talk, I don't

want to let you go ...).

It is best to take into account that change always re-

quires time, phases and steps in someone's thinking and

feeling, in someone's behavior and reaction, in some-

one's environment and with others, sometimes change

can start in one part at some moment, sometimes in the

other. This time, phases and steps are even more de-

manded if change is desired on both sides. In addition to

time, it also requires that account be taken of changes in

space, opportunities, possibilities and resources in one's

thinking and feeling, in one's behavior and reaction, in

one's environment and with others. This is even more

necessary if change is desired on both sides. In addition

to time and space, you can take into account that change

requires stimulation, encouragement and reinforcement

on a mental, behavioral and social-real level. In this way

you can specifically take into account that mentally

changes require attention, awareness, sensibilisation, in-

terest, willingness to take action and care.

Avoid relapse

To avoid a recurrence, you can help the child learn about

the processes that encourage and sustain drug use, so

that the child can use this insight and these processes to

prevent recurrence. Which steps lead to this behavior in

484

order to use the opportunities to be able to intervene in

each of these steps in order to prevent the behavior. In

this way, the child can get to know more specifically the

mental steps that lead to this behavior, in order to be

able to intervene by changing it, to prevent the behavior.

A specific search can be made for change in perception,

in attention, in remembering, in desire, in thinking, in

feeling, in proposals and in experience.

You will often try to find out together what needs drug

use will meet and whether this cannot be achieved in any

other way. Specifically, it may have to do with tension

reduction, positive self-feeling, self-confirmation, be-

longing. The question may then be asked whether this

can also be achieved independently of drugs through

sport, relaxation, self-care, other friends, social engage-

ment, creativity, 'naturalness'. If the behavior of the child

is a reaction to a situation or to people, you can see how

you can react in a different way. For example, problems

can be recognized as needs, such as the need to learn

how to reduce or how to deal with emotions, tension,

loss, setback and rejection.

What also can help is teaching your child how to deal

with environmental limits, such as prohibitions, rules, re-

strictions, norms, and with limits from itself, such as its

own expectations, agreements, ideals and values. Indi-

cating that limits are usually there to prevent problems.

485

Own input and strengths of child

It will be important to address his own strengths in the

child and of his friends, such as own strength, own goals,

self-confidence, self-esteem, preference ego, group sup-

port, group engagement, group confidence, group value

sense, preference group. Before the first contact, it will

be important to help the child develop a personal atti-

tude towards drugs, risks and being friends. You can

read more about this in the theme section ‘Limiters: Who

or what stops me?’ From this encyclopedia.

Finally, you can teach your child to devote more space to

itself. This can be achieved by appealing to its own free-

dom, own preferences, its own space, its own privacy, its

own feelings, its own opinion and its own territory. For

example, making something up for itself, not taking

things along, not answering, wanting to be left alone, my

life and other people's freedom, everyone does what he

or she want, personal preference, space, privacy, feel-

ings, opinion and territory. It can help, to realize that not

all young people use drugs and never started and that

what they say is not always what they do.

In this way you can teach your child to make well-in-

formed and well-considered choices for the future or to

clarify and substantiate implicit choices. In this way the

child learns to take responsibility for himself and others.

Thus, for example, saying no can also mean safety for

486

other young people with whom you interact, who so do

not have to feel obliged against their own preference.

Extra power

Do not reduce your child to a problem of use, not your-

self to guardian and your relationship not to a battle

scene. Your child, yourself and your mutual relationship

mean much more than that. Your child, yourself and your

relationship have many other facets with a more positive

and connecting value. If it goes difficult, you can take a

look at the interpretation that you came up to for your

child, yourself and your relationship. If there is a reduc-

tion and restriction, then you can look together what ad-

dition and expansion you can offer for each other and

how you can to do this with what result.

If you are unable to keep your child away from drugs, you

can indicate what limits there are for you as a parent and

you can encourage your child to determine its own lim-

its. This to limit its use to what is acceptable to you and

responsible and safe without risk and without danger of

addiction for him or herself.

How do you currently (re)act with regard to drug use?

How could you (re)act with regard to drug use?

487

Your child and drugs. Drugs, parents and parenting

ttps://www.drugsinfo.nl/ublic/je-kind-en-drugs

My child and drugs. The most frequently asked ques-

tions - brochure

https://www.druglijn.be/assets/faq_mijn_kind_en_drugs

Self-help booklet for parents of drug using children

https://www.druglijn.be/assets/vad17_zogt_screen

488

From pressure

to attraction

How attractive are they?

Whether you wish it or not, whether you like it or not,

whether you are aware of it or not, your presence, your

appearance, your expression, your actions will always

have an influence on others. Who, or what, or how you

are and what you show, let hear and feel and how, will

awaken something in the other, address something, sti-

mulate something. What you activate can be what you

want, search for or prefer, or not.

In order to achieve the right impression, the right in-

fluence and the right response in a more focused man-

ner, it may be useful to become aware and discover what

you activate in the other, what thoughts, feelings, expe-

riences, desires and expectations you evoke, which side

you reach. This way you can come out more clearly with

What alternatives are there for pressure?

489

what you want to achieve in order to prevent misunder-

standings. This way you can also by changing something,

for example, when you go out to someone, try to achieve

something more preferable from the other person and

try to appeal to his attractive sides.

an example :

you want to be helped with something.

The uncertainty you are currently experiencing is clear

from your doings. This way, oncoming and caring re-

flexes can be released from the other. Your visible

helplessness awakens attention, understanding and in-

volvement with the other. He may want to meet you and

your needs, if he does not feel like he is being used or ma-

nipulated.

another example :

you would like to start a conversation.

Your looking at the other person, the attention you give,

your speaking to the other person, can make the other

person easily respond to this.

one last example:

you feel something for someone

upon getting acquainted, you notice that you are mainly

addressed by how someone thinks and views the world.

That this is what you love.

490

You always speak and attract something, by being attrac-

tive to what you need and feel and by openly coming out

of this. Without making tactical or well thought-out use

or abuse of it, you can get ahead. This applies not only

on a physical level, but also on an affective and relational

level. Much of this is learned to you, or given in your

upbringing, but you can always set your own accents.

That attraction can often be increased by making you

more accessible. Whether you are accessible and whe-

ther the other person wants access will be determined

to a great extent by the distance you create between

reality and its presentation. It will be a matter of ensu-

ring that the reality that you propose is similar or very

similar to the reality that exists or that you exhibit. And

also ensure that the reality that is there or that you show

is very similar to the reality that you represent. The grea-

ter this distance now or later, the smaller the accessibi-

lity on both sides.

an example :

what you say and what you do

However attractive it may be to reflect something else or

to do something other than agreed, this will ultimately

have a negative effect on a relationship and the unders-

tanding, because they can activate feelings of being ex-

cluded, used or abused, and can lead to distrust. The

danger lies mainly in losing credit to the other, provoking

a defensive attitude and creating distance.

491

This fact can also clearly occur in conversation : say that

you listen, but show and feel no interest; say yes, but let

it feel as not doing so; say no, but can not hide that you

will go into it anyway; etc. In the end, the other person

learns to pay special attention to what you do and leave

to notice and that he has not to take into account what

you say.

Also your own image of yourself and which scheme

about yourself you activate in (conversation) interaction

with others, can make to find someone with a suitable

image and can activate others with connecting schemes

about themselves.

some examples :

Corresponding to have an image of itself of easy failure,

it can attract others who have experienced a similar ex-

perience.

If you, in contact with others, easily activate the scheme

not to defend yourself, this may attract the attention of

others who wish to take advantage of this and use a

schema of use.

In order to get to where you want in a conversation or

during an interaction and to avoid that the other obliges

you to do something that you yourself do not agree with,

it may be useful to pay attention to which schemes you

might inadvertently address in the other person. If you

492

end up in an embarrassing or threatening situation in

contact with an other person, you can try to activate

other schemes in the other person that make him slow

down and bind in.

an example :

if you are very excited, this can also cause anxiety in the

other person.

If you want to de-energize the schema of excitement and

activate the relaxation schema, you may find it helpful to

activate the schema of being calm.

another example :

if you are experienced by the other as an agressor or thre-

atening, can this activate the schema defense or coun-

terattack in him or her.

If you want to undo this, you can set yourself up as a vic-

tim or helpless for the other person, then the schema

spare him or her and help someone can be activated. By,

for example, letting the you-tone fall into conversation

that easily evokes self-defense and closedness from the

other person, it can replaced with the I-tone which evoke

understanding and openness of the other person.

another example :

no other choice

By saying in a calm, convincing manner that the other

person will do something like this and not otherwise, and

not allow anything else from you to expect, point out and

493

that you really insist that this is so and you will not devi-

ate from it, this may cause the other person to leave the

schema resistance or leave their own planned schema,

because it is perceived as meaningless or unusable and

the scheme following and cooperation will be activated,

even if reluctantly.

How to generate attention and care for yourself ?

In communication and interaction you can have the luck

that others know how to respond to you. They unders-

tand you well and can share your opinions and mea-

nings. They show interest in you and feel a lot for

you. They are spontaneously inclined, or willing to take

care of you on demand. Each of us hopefully has enough

contacts that will make you feel good and make you

grow, or at least create the conditions for this. Yet the

reality, for a long time or a this moment, can be different

and can be very conflictually charged.

To change this, one usually raises an increased appeal to

that environment. It is thought that it must be dealt with

vigorously from the feeling of being misunderstood and

neglected and consequently having the right or the obli-

gation to claim its rights. This situation in which one

threatens to feel victim easily arouses a lot of feelings of

tension in oneself that one does not always dare to im-

mediately express from fear of not being able to count

on the other person. In the long run, if such situations

take too often and too long, they can lead to a general

494

feeling of weakness in which people themselves think

they no longer have the right to attention and care, in

view of not being worthwhile for others. If one has yet

the courage to recognize his feelings of tension, then

they can get the content of anger or excitement about

the other person. Or also uncertainty or sadness for

itself. One will then easily feel that the other person is

failing to meet you. This can lead to reproaches and ac-

cusations that the other person thinks too much or only

to himself, does not listen to you and has nothing left for

you. If this has no result, it is easy to make demands and

commit the other to spend more time, attention and

care to you.

Such an accusatory and compelling attitude can make

the other person feel very uncomfortable with this. He

or she is very unfree, does not seem to comply, clearly

falls short, is obliged to do something that he or she does

not want or does not like. He or she can also easily feel

misunderstood and neglected and possibly the vic-

tim. This leads to the other trying to win distance, shut-

ting himself down, the spontaneity that disappears, the

interest that is left out and only if he can not escape he

will do the most necessary. The result is that people start

to feel even more neglected. Own needs and desires

that one had no longer come up for, not spontaneously,

but also not forced. One manages no longer to bridge

the gap between what lives and what one needs and the

environment that would like to respond to this.

495

Only when one discovers that one pushes the other away

from him by accusing, compelling, responsibleing, being

overwhelmed by feelings of tension and shutting himself

down, may one try to find a way out by omitting things

here or to change. By leaving its offensive and obligatory

approach and offering the security and freedom to come

closer. By experiencing yourself to be responsible, by al-

lowing the other person to reach you. By becoming quiet

and opening yourself, the other person may be led, even

if only out of curiosity, to know who you are and what

lives with you. In this way you can inform the other per-

son about your feelings and show what you need and

what your desires are. This way you open yourself and

give access to the other person. The other person who

can continue to feel good and feel free and can get op-

portunities and interest to pay attention to you and take

care of you. This way you can also respond better to

yourself because it does not threaten to feel the victim

and you can find out exactly what you are sensitive to

and what you need. As a result, your need is reduced and

you become calmer and gain more self-confidence and

allow the other person to meet what you need less and

less because the other person wants to respond to this

before it becomes an emergency. This way you can also

show the other person what you are looking for by what

he does for you and how happy and grateful you

are. This allows you to touch and touch each other.

496

Neither the other person nor yourself have to feel un-

comfortable, unsafe or closed, alone and at a distance,

without trust in each other and without appreciation for

each other. You can thus try to create an atmosphere

and interaction in which you feel mutually easy and safe,

and feel connected, together and near, with trust in each

other, so that you can open yourself to each other. So

that you can respond to each other's expressed feelings

and your needs to the appreciation of each other. But

even if the other person does not want to join immedia-

tely, you can take this attitude from your side, so that

you can generate another communication and contact

with others and yourself. For example, the attention and

care that you generated for yourself may also generate

another attention and care of the other person for him-

self. For example, sometimes two hurt or neglected be-

ings appear to come out with a great need for recogni-

tion and appreciation from each other. Something that

makes you no longer feel attacked or excluded and so

that you like or are more prepared for the feelings and

needs of the other person you recognize in yourself. So

you find each other in an open embrace, where you pre-

viously drifted away from each other and walked away

from each other in a closed self.

How being infectious?

Some people in our environment can be busy with so-

mething in such a way or can communicate something in

such a way that they work infectiously. They know how

497

to execute something, or to talk about something, that

they arouse our attention, interest and motivation and

we are addressed and ignited to possibly do something

similar or to interpret, or to inform us about this and be

interested.Their attention, their interest and their moti-

vation and enthusiasm work infectiously on us, so that

we do not remain unmoved.Through their model and

their association and expression they know how to capti-

vate us and hold us, to orientate us and to stimulate us

in the direction they stand for. Especially feelings, moti-

vations and fantasies can they transfer to others. Their

own unrest, aversion and frightening presentation can

alert others and stop them from doing something. Their

own excitement, euphoria and paradisiacal presentation

can awaken others and encourage others to do

something similar.

Especially in situations where it is unclear how to tackle

something or how to react, others and what is going on

in them will be of influence to you. The other and his in-

ner compassion may be used as a guiding and model for

his own reaction and his own compassion. In dealing

with others, it will be important that each with a positive

and balanced representation can come to each so that

each one can respond equally well. Pointing out to

young people that they not only respond to others, but

that they also model others, can be helpful in experien-

cing themselves as less dependent on others and at the

same time feeling more involved and responsible for

498

others. Responsible in view of the unexpectedly unanti-

cipated influence they have on others.

Research shows that the chance of imitation depends

partly on the visible success, on the appearance of the

model and the possible identification with it, on what

lives with the possible mimic and what it expects from

imitation, from the opportunities and the chance for this

behavior, how acceptable the possible mimic sees imita-

tion for himself and for his environment.

an example :

I volunteered to help with a project. This gives me a num-

ber of new experiences and a number of new contacts. It

broadens my horizon and I like to tell my friends about

it.

I notice their curiosity and their somewhat teasing jea-

lousy and indicate how they themselves could also parti-

cipate as volunteers. One of them wants to come along

the next time and take a look if it is indeed so interesting.

another example :

you often hear: everyone is like that, thinks and does so

Respond to this with the question: 'Is everyone like

that? Does everyone think so? Does everyone do that? "

This easily elicits the answer: 'no, everyone is not like

that, do not think so, do not do that.'

499

Then the curiosity arises about who is not and who

is. This allows the uniform assessment of situations and

experiences to be broken through. It is no longer self-

evident. You are no longer the only one who is different,

thinks and does different. Concretizing these others also

offers you the chance to find out and find others who are

relevant and sufficiently close to you who you could fol-

low without any loss of face: my sister or brother, my

boyfriend or girlfriend, ...

Young people often experience it as very difficult to say

something that does not immediately arouse the ap-

proval or enthusiasm of other young people. Especially

being the first or taking the initiative for something or a

change seems a difficult job. From mutual uncertainty

no one dares to stick out his head: the one not to come

up with something, the other not to agree to this. Every-

one waits for and looks at the other and tries to play sa-

fely by staying with the old, not taking initiative, hiding

and being indecisive. The preference for the tough or

evasive to find hold and safety, then get all the opportu-

nities. Young people can, if they can not or dare not say

something not to be faint and docile, express it by tacitly

showing it in their mimicry and appearance. They can

also simply do something or have them done without

words. The first time this will be surprising, the second

time weird, the third time already expected and the

fourth time it seems ordinary. By not having to speak

out, a safety on loss of sight can be built in, also for the

500

others who follow this model in silence. In this way so-

mething can be brought about that would otherwise en-

counter resistance due to the verbal group reaction.

an example :

if I am tired or when it is time, I would like to leave.

To have to say that you want to go ahead and have to

give an explanation that is acceptable to young people,

seems an unattractive job, that, in own eyes, will cause a

lot of loose of sympathy.

Just getting up, taking your coat and stuff and getting

away will of course attract the attention of others, who

might ask for an explanation of what you are going to

do. Confirming, not justifying what you do - such as 'I am

gone' or 'I am going away" - can allow you to express

what you want. Others may also be happy with your ini-

tiative and follow your example without many

words. This way you do not create the habit of having to

express, explain or justify everything you want to do. In

this way you can maintain your freedom in your actions

and you are not caught in a follow-up obligation. A few

times speechless doing what you want with appropriate

convinced and carefree mimicry, can make that at the

least sign of you to step out the others take this as factual

and not changeable and prefer to go along whit it or re-

lease you because it is now like that.

501

How do you load someone with energy?

Each of us has a number of latent possibilities and skills

that can be expressed in behavior, if the necessary

energy is available for this. Each person can provide the

necessary energy and dynamics from his experience,

thinking, proposals, feelings and desires. Others can do

that for him or her. Making someone warm and energe-

tic can be done in a very different way. It can be done in

an open manner, in accordance with what the other per-

son wants. It can be done in a little or not visible way for

what the other person may not want.

Each knows people who so discourage you and ask so

much energy that every desire, courage and power is

lacking to do anything. On the other hand, there are

people who encourage you and charge you so with

energy that sense, courage and strength are made avai-

lable or made available to you so that you consider your-

self capable of doing so. They provide such a situation,

climate, relation and relationship that a lot of energy is

charged and also becomes available in yourself. This cre-

ates a kind of synergy that takes you further than you

would only achieve alone. Forces and initiative are not

extinguished or weakened, but stimulated and streng-

thened, and interconnected.

The positive tension that this creates, means that you

perform better mentally, but also that greater self-con-

502

fidence and more social resilience is available. A nega-

tive tension that reduces or blocks your mental possibi-

lities and restricts or undermines your self-confidence

and social resilience is avoided. The called optimal ten-

sion awakens the best forces and the strongest energy in

you, carried by an environment of well-being, safety, se-

curity and appreciation. In this way you also know how

to open yourself for the other person and to come to a

real cooperation. Not bothered by resistance and defen-

siveness, but activated by mobility and construc-

tiveness. The other puts the light on green for you and

then confirms you. You have the feeling that you are

busy with positive things and that you are growing accor-

dingly.

A danger arises when this happens in a way away from

reality and you thus come to a misguided act, no longer

critically tested by the other person. Others who do not

just follow you, often form a source that tests what you

want to undertake or undertake. They want to warn you

or protect you from carelessness and irrealism. They

then provide a buffer that have to protect you. This buf-

fer can, however, have a paralyzing effect, that every

energy is lost, rather than that energy is made available

for tested objectives.

Another danger arises when you allow yourself from a

small sense of self-esteem to follow an other person who

only strives for self-interest. The critical assessment by

503

yourself then falls away and the risk then exists to act

unthinkingly from an inadequate assessment of reality

and the other.

Ideally, a combination of discharging non-okay objecti-

ves and charging okay objectived will be possible. This,

partly through the actions of the other person and by

yourself on the basis of its meaning and tested value.

an example of extinction and charging:

someone likes to be pleasant and make fun in a group

The other person thinks this is faint and childish and

makes little effort to pay attention to what someone says

to be funny, and because of critical remarks, the fun

ends. Especially the person-oriented remarks extinguish

every effort to make fun.

The other person likes this and looks up at the liveliness

of those who started and makes an effort to let themsel-

ves be stimulated by the funny atmosphere. The critical

remarks stimulate those who started to intensify their ef-

forts, new elements are added and enthusiasm is respon-

ded to so much atmosphere. The person-oriented valua-

tion in particular is a confirmation and an immediate en-

couragement to continue.

504

Just keys:

What do I activate in the other?

What is the interaction that I activate with the other per-

son?

By what do I activate this in the other?

Which way of dealing with the other person would I pre-

fer?

What should I activate in the other for this?

By what can I activate this with the other person?

505

The child

under pressure

Every child experiences pressure. This pressure can be

greater or lesser. This pressure can occur more or

less. This pressure can last longer or be shorter in dura-

tion. This pressure can come from outside, such as high

expectations among parents, little understanding, little

support. This pressure can also come from within, such

as high expectations for themselves, unsatisfactory de-

sires, uncertainty, low self-esteem.

Children react to each other in their own way. Some

can handle this well. Or have learned this. Other chil-

dren may be less comfortable with this. Some children

continue to function as before. Other children quickly

become dysfunctional. Some children remain in charge

Every child experiences pressure. Not only parents

experience pressure.

Pressure is a signal that requires attention from pa-

rent and child.

506

of the experienced pressure. With other children, the

pressure takes over.

Meaningful people in the environment of the child can

decrease the pressure. Children often rely on their en-

vironment in order not to increase the pressure. Some

children can express their experienced feelings of ten-

sion and come up with it themselves. Other children do

not know or have not learned to express their fee-

lings. Sometimes there is no room for experiencing and

recognizing feelings. Not even to express them. Child-

ren then gradually show or feel indirectly which feeling

of tension they have.

Neither for the child nor for the environment is it always

immediately clear what lies behind the body's expressi-

ons and signals and behind the behavior of the child.

Children and adults learning to look at these sentient ex-

pressions can give an entrance to the child's emotional

world.

In the past, due to the living conditions and child-rearing

practices, little attention has been paid to the feelings of

a child. The living conditions demanded not too great

sensibility, the functioning in and for the group was pa-

ramount, with one's own feelings being given less space

from group expectations.In parenting attention to fee-

lings was often linked to making the child hypersensitive

507

and vulnerable. The living conditions, the group and the

upbringing required a resilience with little room for per-

sonal feelings.

Today there is more room for feelings. Feelings are re-

garded as sensors for the child: how the child feels about

something, whether the child wants to go through it or

what it chooses. Feelings also form sensors for adults

about how the child is going: how the child feels about

something, whether the child wants to go through it or

what it chooses.

In parenting, much attention is currently being paid to

feelings and how to deal with them. They form an es-

sential part in the experience of the child and in the fur-

ther orientation. They also form an essential part in

what to offer the child and continue to offer.

By giving space and attention to feelings, it can often be

avoided that they grow into emotions. The child can

then be offered the necessary support so that it can,

wants and dares to deal with a difficult situation.

By giving space and attention to feelings in order to re-

cognize and articulate them for themselves and the en-

vironment, it can prevented to only make them visible

and tangible to the environment and so often escape to

the child.

508

By giving space and attention to feelings, they can be un-

derstood and made easier and more controlled. It can

allow the child to function closer to himself.

However, it can regularly be established that a child is

under pressure, without being able to recognize the fee-

lings of tension and to talk about this with his surroun-

dings.

These feelings of tension can then be noticed in body ex-

pression or possible body complaints. Often, however,

they are reflected in the child's behavior. More specifi-

cally in the performance and behavior of the child. No-

ticing these underlying tensions, however, requires spe-

cial attention.

The failing performance behavior and disturbing beha-

vior are easily interpreted as a shortcoming or unwilling-

ness of the child and much less as an impotence to deal

with the situation with its capabilities.

Tensions arise when the carrying capacity of the child

(what it can handle or think it can handle, what it can be

or expects to be) hardly can handle the burden of carry-

ing (what the child has to perform or thinks to have to

perform, what the child must be or thinks to be able

to). If the carrying capacity is too weak in relation to the

load, then overtension occurs with the child. The child

can not comply with what it has to do, or must be, or

509

intends to do, or have to do, from what it can, or is, or

thinks to be, or must be.

This capacity or this feeling of carrying capacity and the

carrying load or the feeling of carrying load are someti-

mes drowned out by adults by taking it over from the

child too quickly, too strongly and too repeatedly or by

intervening for the child. Adults with their much

greater carrying capacity, or the feeling of it. Adults

who name something like a smaller load, or give it the

feeling.

"I do not think that's difficult at all. See, I have already

arranged it for you. "

"Don't you dare. I'll ask in your place. "

"You don't have to get excited about that. See how I do

it. "

As a parent you mean well, but you often achieve the

opposite effect: a weakened autonomy, or feeling of it

and a weakened performance, or feeling of being unable

to cope.

Through these tangling and overprotective interven-

tions, the child's trust is undermined. In addition, it has

the effect of preventing the child to confirm its ability

and of being able to self-confirm the child itself. What

further undermines the self-esteem of the child. And so

the stress for the child can still increase.

510

The child can respond to the current stress situation and

symptoms in four ways. These stress reactions are de-

termined on the one hand by the situation and the pos-

sibilities in it and on the other hand by the child and his

previous experiences or objectives.

From the observed behavior, the underlying feelings

(anger, excitement, fear or dejected) can immediately

be deduced which reflect the ratio between the available

carrying capacity and the bearing load, reflect on what

or who is or is not counted by the child and what the

child want.

In this way, it can be derived from what the child needs

to make his stress behavior and feelings disap-

pear. What can be done to the carrying capacity of the

child, what can be done to the load and what can be

done to support from the outside.

For example, anger can seek to strengthen the child's

own capabilities, how to make the given situation less

difficult and how to offer help so that the child feels sup-

ported and empowered.

In this way you as a parent can try to reduce the pressure

on the child and, if possible, make it disappear.

511

Not only what the child stands for, but also what the

child gets or has to deal with can bring tension and pres-

sure for the child. These stresses can also create fee-

lings and reactions of tension. They then depend on the

distance that is experienced between what the child

wanted or imagined and the perceived reality that does

not correspond with this. They fit into the child's pro-

cessing process and must help the child to reconcile with

reality, also for the future or to adapt the reality for the

future, possibly with the help of adults, so that it fits bet-

ter in what one wanted or imagined. For the time being,

for example, my feelings of fear still say something to

keep away and not to go too fast.

This way the pressure of what is gone can be taken away

for the child and it can be armed against pressure that

could arise in the future.

512

Expressing anger :

'too little help, too difficult'

Irritable

Attacking

Unfriendly

Hostile

Non-cooperative

'I count on something or someone'

'More direct approach and want to

change something'

Expressing being dejected:

'no strength, no chance'

Helpless

Lifeless

Sad

Quiet

Passive

'I do not count on anything or any-

one'

'prefer to stop and quit'

Expressing fear:

'too little strength, too much’

Uncertain

Anxious

Restrained

Worry

Withdrawing

'I do not count on myself'

'prefer to take some distance and

leave'

Expressing excitement:

'all hands on deck, very addressed'

Restless

Nervous

Overactive

Talkative

Impulsive

'I count on myself'

'prefer to do something, do not know

what'

513

External

and internal pressure

EXTERNAL PRESSURE

Children and young people are often confronted with ex-

ternal pressure in their life situation. External pressure

from people in their environment, or external pressure

from a situation with which confronted. This external

pressure can be very different in size and inten-

sity. Sometimes there are few sources of pressure,

sometimes a lot. Sometimes the pressure of a source is

small, sometimes very pronounced. Especially the sum

and the duration or repetition of external pressure can

be very important for a child or young person and can be

very oppressive. The environment and the cir-

cumstances with their pressure then come very close to

A child adds internal pressure to external pressure.

How to avoid the pressure from becoming too high?

514

the child. There is little escape or distance from it. If an

attempt is made to do this, extra pressure from the en-

vironment will easily occur to rectify this situation.

In concrete terms, external pressure can arise from ex-

pectations or demands on the child or the young per-

son. Expectations or demands to do something, or not,

or not to do so. Expectations or demands of the adults

from the environment, but also of peers and groups of

which to be part. Not just what or how, or what or how

not, can pressure. Also when, to whom, why or to what

the child or the younger has to do something or not do

something can create pressure. If the expectations or re-

quirements are not uniform, extra pressure can arise

due to the opposition present. So if one adult expects

something different from the other, or if adults expect

something different from peers. Or if the inner world of

the child's or the young person’s family expects some-

thing slightly different than the outside world in society.

External pressure can also arise from the reality and the

conditions in it. The reality and circumstances can be un-

favorable and cause problems or extra tasks. For

example, the reality is complex, or is totally new, unk-

nown or different, or involves crossing large distances,

within a very short time. Or, for example, reality is

unstable, is or works against.

515

The external pressure is responsible for the bearing load

with which the child or the young person is confron-

ted. A lot will then depend on the capacity of the child or

the young person to deal with that load.

If the carrying capacity of the child is sufficient, there is

little risk that the child would suffer from external pres-

sure. However, if the capacity is insufficient, then the

risk is high that the child will get into trouble.

If the carrying capacity is unstable, it can often be esta-

blished that the child creates internal pressure in addi-

tion to the external pressure it experiences. The way it

handles that external pressure creates internal pressure.

INTERNAL PRESSURE

The internal pressure can have to do with feelings that

are evoked in the situation. The child is afraid to be una-

ble to answer the expectations or demands of the envi-

ronment, for example. The child is very excited about

the available means and time to do something. The in-

ternal pressure can also be related to thoughts that arise

in the situation. The idea of being confronted with some-

thing unfamiliar, or the idea of standing alone. Internal

pressure is often also created by the idea that the child

or the young person forms of the situation. The idea of

failure, the representation of the reaction of the envi-

ronment, the representation of a repetition of what hap-

pened before or went wrong. Bad memories are linked

516

to the performance. Also, additional pressure easily

arises due to one's own expectations, demands or de-

sires. What do you want from yourself and what do you

not want from yourself? What do you need or

need too? What do you miss or lose when you don't

succeed ? When do you meet your own expectations?

This internal pressure of the child or the younger person

can be minimal. However, it can also escalate and be

more maximum. This escalation can be a constant, or ra-

ther an exception. This maximum can be within reaso-

nable limits, or can also be extreme.

For example, some children and young people easily ex-

perience an overpressure. This is because, in addition to

the external pressure that has been met, it also adds a

dose of internal pressure that, on the one hand, provides

additional load, but also undermines the available load

capacity. These children or young people feel insecure,

they think they can not handle something, they imagine

that they are too weak or too inexperienced, they re-

member similar incidents, they expect excessive things

from themselves.

517

DECREASE OF PRESSURE

In order to decrease the pressure, simultaneous work

can be done on reducing the external pressure and the

internal pressure.

External pressure can be reduced for your child by miti-

gating your expectations or demands as an adult. For

example, by providing more time or expecting things

step by step. External pressure can also be reduced by

making the reality and the circumstances more favorable

or more accommodating for your child.

Internal pressure can be reduced as an adult for a child

or a young person by adjusting what the child or the

young person perceives, feels, thinks, remembers, pre-

sents and wants. Also by adjusting what the child or

young person in general perceives, feels, thinks, remem-

bers, presents and wants. To adjust it so that it becomes

more favorable, supportive and helpful and less unfavo-

rable, undermining and disturbing.

Concretely, this can by making the internal pressure less

central, less in strength and effect, less close and not

automatically, not entirely and just to follow and not just

letting your experience and reaction be determined by

it. So that the child or the young person does not simply

settle down in a situation and undergoes everything, or

does not just counterattack and offer resistance, or does

518

not just get away from it and just wants to forget every-

thing and leave it behind. Such reactions mean that the

child or the young person is guided by what creates in-

ternal pressure.

Especially creating less self pressure for yourself as a

child or young person can be helpful. This is possible

through tempering the mental processes of perception,

feeling, thinking, remembering, proposing, longing, ex-

pecting. By tempering the results of these mental pro-

cesses in the form of perceptions, feelings, thoughts,

memories, ideas, desires, expectations. By providing

more space and time for themselves in relation to what

to experience, giving less centrality and more distance

for what to experience, and leaving more freedom and

choice for themselves.

Due to the more limited intensity of processes, results

and following, less internal pressure is created for the

here and now, the situation and circumstances, but also

for the whole and the synthesis, what and how some-

thing or someone is.

This lower internal activation can reduce the internal

pressure considerably, so that internal attention can also

be paid to the external pressure. For example, the child

or the young person can show for themselves which

change it would like to experience in external pressure,

519

so that it would have to deal less with additional internal

pressure.

For example, the child or the young person who is taught

in his thinking about a situation or event, not to involve

everything on himself, not to assume the worst, not to

have the responsibility unchangeably, outside his in-

fluence in the environment, and not to perceive and

name the situation in a distorted way.

EXTREME FORM PRESSURE

Especially the exaggerating and extreme manner of

one's own mental processes, its contents and its use and

influence, create overpressure, so that sometimes the

reaction of the child or the younger is also magnified and

extremely. With the risk that the resulting pressure,

sometimes goes together with exaggerated resistance

and resistance reactions. The child or the younger per-

son does not believe in himself, he does not feel unders-

tood and feels overburdened, sees something as impos-

sible to do and wants to give up without further ado, or

gets stuck in a persistent attempt to do something for

which it determines for itself that it is never yet com-

pletely perfect.

The external and internal pressure then is responsable

for this overload, resulting in over-demanding of itself,

often linked to an exaggerated commitment of itself. It

520

will then be important not to end up in this pressure-in-

creasing spiral. The dosing of existing and generated

pressure is crucial here.

This is often a difficult task for adults towards the child

or the youngster. After all, they are inclined when some-

thing is not easy, to put pressure on. This implies the risk

that the child also creates more pressure inter-

nally. Pressure that, however, is not always favorable,

helpful and supportive, so that additional problems are

likely to arise. By paying attention as an adult to which

internal pressure the exerted external pressure creates

and taking into account its effect, its unfavorable effect

may be avoided.

Too often, however, it can be established as an adult that

a crisis situation arises due to external and internal pres-

sures. A crisis that ensures that what follows is often dif-

ficult and problematic, and that also has less strength for

the bearing capacity for the future. As a result, the child

or the young person may expect a great deal from the

adult and will possibly only be able to contribute a mini-

mal.

For example, the child or the young person says that

something is not possible and it will never be pos-

sible. That it is not at all capable of learning such a thing

and will continue to make mistakes that make it fail com-

pletely. The child or the young person indicates to hate

521

what to do and not to have any sense at all. The child or

the youngster refuses to start or starts tense but does

not know how to get ahead because it is never good

enough. The child is already very preoccupied with the

consequences and what it will experience if it fail. Also

what it will think about itself in general.

Especially this extreme requires attention. Pay attention

to how this can be mitigated. Also pay attention to it as

an outsider not entirely to take over, but to help the child

or the youngster to gain strength and autonomy. By ac-

tually choosing a middle way earlier, external and inter-

nal pressure can be removed and the crisis can be over-

come. By giving preference to a cautious, positive and

supportive approach, you can take into account the avai-

lable sensitivity and there is less chance of overreac-

tion. You are also a model for a more moderate rela-

tionship with a situation and with itself. Moderate asso-

ciation that sometimes lacks in the child or young person

to himself, which sometimes wants something in an ex-

treme way, but is sometimes even an extreme self-des-

troying self when they do not know how to live up to

it. By not linking everything together extremely, things

can be reduced to their true proportion, which in itself

can also contribute to a decrease in pressure.

DRAWING PRESENT PRESSURE

Indicate which external pressure is present and indicate

to what extent:

522

Indicate which internal pressure is present and indicate

to which extent:

Indicate the way in which the available external pressure

will decrease and indicate to what extent:

Indicate in which way the available internal pressures de-

crease and indicate to what extent:

523

Dealing with pres-

sure from your child

To clarify: Resistance or pressure?

As a parent, I can deal with something I want, but which

my child does not deal with. Then as a parent I can have

to deal with resistance or counter pressure of my child. If

you want to read more about how your child reacts to

pressure that you exert, you can go to the theme section

'Preventing resistance' of this encyclopedia.

As a parent, I can also deal with something my child

wants, but I do not want to go into it as a parent. Then I

have to deal with pressure from my child as a parent. In

this theme section 'Dealing with pressure from your

A child easily exerts pressure for what it wants or

does not want.

How to deal with this as a parent?

SWEET

MOM!

BAD

MOM!

524

child' you can learn more about how you can respond to

pressure that your child exerts.

As a child, you often and easily get involved with

something for which you need the help or permission

from your environment to do something or obtain

something. This environment is not always willing to go

into this. As a child, you may then have a tendency to in-

crease the pressure to still achieve what you intended. If

it is not admitted by the environment and it offers resis-

tance or counter pressure, then you can give up as a

child. You can also continue as a child and try to increase

the pressure to still obtain what you want. As a parent,

you can increase the counter pressure on this. The child

may or may not give up, with possible escalation as a re-

sult.

525

The child seeks ways to get his way and overcome your

resistance or counter pressure. It can do this in a

pleasant way for you. For example, to be praised or be

very helpful as a child to get his way. It can also do it in a

way that is unpleasant to you. For example, by a tan-

trum, by nagging and wining. In the first case, the child

tries to activate your goodwill and cooperation. In the

second case it tries to deactivate your resistance and

firmness. In the first case, the child tries to teach you not

to stay on your point by rewarding you for deviating from

it. In the second case, the child tries to stop you from

staying at your point by 'punishing' you for not deviating

from it.

526

As a parent, you feel intuitively not just to give like that

what your child wants, but at the same time you feel the

immediate benefits of admitting. Your child remains

sweet, or will be it again. In the long run, however, there

is a risk that the child will again and again be sweet and

not sweet to get his way and confronts you with an un-

pleasant situation if you do not comply. For example, a

child may exhibit behavior that shows signs of stal-

king. The child harasses you unsolicited, it penetrates

with his presence in an unpleasant way until it gets its

way. It runs for your feet, attracts your attention in some

way, keeps you busy, for example, by its inertia, until you

commit and admit.

Just at a glance : Pressure can be activated and resis-

tance or back pressure can be activated. Pressure can

activate resistance or vice versa can resistance activate

pressure. Pressure will not always activate resistance,

which is often the intention of your child to be deacti-

vated by applying pressure. Not always will resistance

activate pressure, that is because your intention as a pa-

rent is to be deactivated by resisting pressure. So in sum-

mary, it will be important for you as a parent to exert a

resistance such that it deactivates the pressure of the

child, or even does not even activate it. Parents know, for

example, that a child can whine all the time when, for

example, Dad walks through the toy department of the

supermarket, while the child does not give a kick when

Mama walks through that same ward. Or vice versa, or

527

with grandma, or grandpa, or the babysit. Pressure is

then not activated or immediately deactivated at the first

reaction of the adult. Perhaps something else is also ac-

tivated, for example, the adult's leadership. And some-

thing else is deactivated, the needs, for example, of the

child. It is therefore important what is active at a certain

moment, or in a certain situation and what is not. What

is active exerts influence. What is not active has no in-

fluence.

Pressure as communication

Especially the toddler is not yet able to make clear what

it wants or does not want. It can not yet or not so well

use words to say what it wants or not. It then expresses

itself with its voice, with its face and posture, especially

with its behavior, what it wants or not. This can take the

form of weeping, a pouting mouth, running away, to a

tantrum. The child turns into a shelf, stomps with his

feet, throws something or throws himself on the floor. It

offers physical resistance to being not followed. The

child then lets feel what it wants or does not want, or

shows it with his mimicry, attitude and gestures. The

better the language controls, the more it lets you hear

what it wants or not. The temper tantrums then de-

crease in number, but can then turn into whining.

As a parent, you can then pay attention to the fact that

a child will easily say or ask something first, show some-

thing afterwards if the hearing does not work, and finally

528

make you feel when something does not work. What it

comes down to, depends on the signal language that the

child uses to someone. This language is the language

that the other person responds to. Some children expe-

rience that, for example, saying something to a parent

has no effect, the parent does not respond. Only when

the child begins to shout, follows 'Not shouting baby!' as

a reaction. In this way, the child discovers and learns

which signals - to make something heard, see or feel - to

use to get reaction. Many children then easily skip to say

or show something and choose resolutely for the beha-

vioral language, for example walking away. Here follows

'Staying at the table I had said!' This way a child learns

a certain signal language from the parent by whether or

not he or she responds to certain signals. You can read

more about this in the theme section 'Signal lan-

guage' of this encyclopedia.

The best thing you can do as a parent is when the child

lets you hear or notice what it wants or does not, is res-

pond to this. Not so much or always with following, but

with letting you hear or notice that you have taken care

of what your child wants or not, followed by your

answer. "I hear you want an ice cream, but the answer is

no." The shorter the answer the better often. In the

answer you activate your leadership. With no, you ex-

press that you are in charge and that you do not give per-

mission. If your child nevertheless makes an attempt to

get his way by continuing to nag, you can repeat that you

529

clearly heard or noticed what your child wanted, and al-

ready clearly gave an answer. So it is clear to your child

that it was listened to and it is clear that you stay with

your answer once given. Whining can then no longer be

a signal to get his way, but to be listened to and get a

certain answer once.

If you can not avoid to give your child his way, make sure

that this happens at a moment when the child stops (for

a moment) from whining, drama or his tantrum. This

way the link is made between being calm and something

positive. Do not say 'if you stop ..., you get or may ...' In

this way you will really learn your child how to use pres-

sure as a means to obtain something. It can then

DON’T SHOUT !!!

DON’T CRY !!!

530

become a habit to use this signal language for every-

thing, so that it can reward you for admitting. His signal

language is then nagging with possibly stopping as soon

as you react.

You can teach your child that the best signal language is

simply asking or saying something. That you want to lis-

ten to that and that the chances are then the greatest

that you answer yes. That whine, drama and tantrums

make you not listen and by definition the answer then

will be no.

With your no answer you can briefly explain why it is not

allowed to 'do not eat before eating, because then your

appetite passes over.' You then indicate the circum-

stances why or when something is not possible. For the

child, however, this may be the opportunity to change

the circumstances and thus try to obtain a yes. "I'm not

hungry at all to just eat. I only had breakfast one hour

ago. " For example, as a parent you often have to look

for a meaningful or useful argumentation. You can then

make it clear to your child that your explanation was an

clarification, but no legitimation at all for what you

wanted. If not, you run the risk of ending up in an endless

argumentation, which usually ends in much displeasure,

on one or both sides.

531

Just at a glance : With pressure, the child wants to make

clear and convince you of what it wants. Because pres-

sure is an unpleasant means of depriving you of freedom,

you can make it clear to your child that only making

something clear without pressure has the chance to con-

vince you. The argumentation you give your child can at

most be an explanation of the choice you make and in

which you can give explanations as an clarification. So

that your answer can be better understood and accepted

more easily.

Pressure, a signal for you

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be a signal to

teach your child to get more effect without pressure, as

indicated above. It is possible that you generally instruct

your child too little and explain too little how you want

something. This way you can indicate in time exactly

what you want and what you do not. 'Do not walk' but

'step.' "Don't you come with me?" but 'Come with us,

we are gone.' Not in a questioning form, but preferably

in an affirmative form. In this way, you can also state in

concrete terms how something is possible and what is

not. By making it concrete, it becomes more feasible or

acceptable and you can prevent pressure. 'Not now' but

'after the meal'. Say not 'clean up' but 'put the puzzle in

the box'.

532

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be a signal

that you allow yourself to be rewarded for admitting, or

being punished or ignored for not giving in. As long as I

stay up late, I will be extra attentive and quiet. As soon

as I have to go to sleep, I pretend I can not or can not

walk, or I use extra pressure, or choose to be difficult and

slow. By staying on your point as soon as it is sleep time

you can prevent influence attempts, they have no effect

whatsoever. As a parent, you simply do not have room

YES

BE NICE

DON’T BE NAUGHTY

DON’T BE CHILDISH

MUST CLEAN UP

EAT EVERYTHING

DO NOT COME OUT

OF THE BED

TINE IS AT THE

TURN

PUT THE PUZZLE IN

THE BOX

533

for it. You can read more about this in the theme sec-

tion 'Who rewards, punishes, ignores ?' of this ency-

clopedia.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this may be a signal of

thinking of yourself, because you almost not or never ad-

mit, that you are not a good parent or not the parent you

want to be. You think that you deny your child too much,

or you think that you are being pushed into an unsympa-

thetic or negative role that you do not want to enter at

all. By thinking differently about yourself and looking at

yourself differently, you can feel more easily supported

for not giving in. For example, I offer more clarity, safety

and predictability as a parent. I can do better now and

SWEET

MOM!

BAD

MOM!

534

then be unsympathetic, to remain so positive and sym-

pathetic, than to continue to sympathize but to feel and

want to show less and less sympathy. Sometimes you

first have to convince yourself of doing something before

you can reach your child.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be a signal

that your child has certain needs that you may pass

by. Your child needs more friends to play with. Your child

wants nutritious food, but now and then something de-

licious. Your child wants to eat until his hunger is satis-

fied, but don't want to stay at the table until his plate is

completely finished. Your child needs occasional atten-

tion, without having to force it. Your child wants to be

nice, but then this must be easily achievable and possibly

successful.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, it can be a signal that

your child has to enforce everything, otherwise you will

not get moving or take action, you will not cross the

bridge. Let your child give you the choice, then you do

not react, only if you are left with no choice from your

child, you will take action.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, it can be a signal that

you are very busy in the inhibiting atmosphere. You of-

ten say what you do not want from the child. As a parent

you can then try to become active in the stimulating at-

mosphere. You repeatedly say what you want. For

535

example, not what are you not doing when you do that,

but what are you doing when you do that. You then be-

fore, for example, easily blamed your child for being op-

pressive. But you can also admire your child for his

perseverance and commitment. 'I know you can do it, go

shopping without complaining. Can you show this to

your mom? If you succeed, you get something tasty af-

terwards.’ Or you can imagine something that your

child would like to go into. 'Can you dress up, then you

can play next door.'

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be a signal

that you are passing your child. You do not appeal to

your child for his understanding and cooperation for so-

mething. The child can not convince himself or persuade

- milk

- butter

- bread

- salad

536

himself to do something and then clashes not only with

your no, but also against himself, because it has not per-

suaded himself to abandon something.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be a signal

that your child has little control over himself. It does not

understand a number of negative answers from its envi-

ronment, or not correctly. It is overwhelmed with fee-

lings that temporarily take over from him. These can also

be fears. It can not handle enough with unexpected si-

tuations. It has insufficient self-confidence and confi-

dence in its environment and tests it out.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be related to

the nature of your child. The one child is easier and

smoother to deal with than another child. The one child

adapts to a new situation more easily, the other child

more difficult, yet another child needs more time. Here

it can help to think back just how you were as a child.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be a signal

that you are confronting your child with unexpected

things and situations. It assumed that it got something,

and now it turns out differently. Normally it does not

have to eat his plate, suddenly this has to be done. It is

not clear when it has to go to bed, and suddenly it has to

go to bed now. Something was activated in the child, and

must now suddenly be deactivated. Or something was

not activated at all, and suddenly it has to be done. That

537

something is changing can not always be prevented, it is

important to prepare the child in time for this change.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be a signal to

expect too much from your child. You expect too quickly

that it will eat completely independently, dress, clean or

clean up. Your child will then show that it is not able to

do this on its own and is whining for your help, or that

you would do it in his place. You may notice that your

child is no longer open to your expectation at all. It closes

his eyes or starts to scream, so that you are no longer

intelligible. It is at such a moment more important to pay

attention to how the child feels, than to whether or not

the child is able to respond to your expectation.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, then it may already

have given other signals in advance to want something

or not. The child wants to leave the table at a party. It

already showed that sitting at the table really took a long

time. Now it throws itself on the floor, really time for the

long promised and expected playground. The child has

been sitting on the lap for a long time. His nagging is

really the signal for what its restlessness was about, na-

mely to be tired.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be a signal for

something else. The child is tired, is getting sick, is

hungry, is confused because of the new environment,

538

the environment is too busy, there are too many

unknown people, it is bored, and more.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, it can express his po-

werlessness. Something does not work, no matter how

hard it tried. By throwing the toy on the floor, it makes

clear that it can never succeed.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be a signal

that the situation is too oppressive. Always having to

share everything with your younger brother at the game

can become too much for your child, so it starts yelling

and hitting. Putting your child out of the situation for a

moment, can make that what triggered the pressure is

removed.

If your child has a lot of pressure, this can be a signal to

talk to your child about it. About the fact that the child

sometimes has difficulty with something. That you can

also have difficulties with this as a parent. How can it be

otherwise ? What your child could try and what you

could do ? You can also come back to an event after-

wards. What feelings you noticed in your child, what fee-

lings were also brought to you ? What did you struggle

with as a child and yourself as a parent ? Like, for

example, the classic incident in the supermarket where

your child took something and you admitted to avoid a

public scene. You can then return to this in the car after-

wards. You can indicate what it took and to give it

539

back. Indicate how you would like this in the future and

how your child can contribute to this. This way you can

indicate at a receptive moment exactly what it could not

do. As clearly indicate not to bang with its head. Or that

hitting can not at all.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be a signal

that a child has a lot to lose. You do not like your child

anymore, even if you do not mean this. Your child suffers

a lot of loss of face towards peers, for example, when

you make your child a comment in the presence of them.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be a signal to

meet a lot of pressure as a child. Without you noticing

it, the child imitates the pressure that you exert

yourself. Sometimes you only rest shouting, but your

child can easily imitate this. By saying something quietly,

you may also be able to calm your child. Sometimes you

fear wrongly not having to say it anymore. Each child ex-

periences the need for guidance from others. The child

does not want to challenge this leadership at all. It is

only that the child experiences leadership, without expe-

riencing yourself the necessity of constantly being pro-

ven. As a parent you can start from strength, rather than

to seize the strength to get something. In this way you

can do something from your strength to your child, ra-

ther than with strength. Research shows that children

who show a lot of compulsory behavior have parents

who make frequent use of proven strength. Parents then

540

experience that you can only move your child to some-

thing if you force it to do so.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be a signal

that it needs understanding and support to be reconciled

with no. By believing yourself that your child can let go

or come over something, you can try to distract it for a

moment, or just hold it, or cuddle it. Sometimes,

however, the child wants to be left alone for a while and

you can help to take a step back and let it be for a while

to express its anger or disappointment, without being

disrespectful about your child and its reaction.

Just at a glance : Pressure is not a desirable signal be-

cause it is uncomfortable for you and it makes you go

against it. Also because it offers your child few opportu-

nities not only towards you as a parent, but even more

towards the outside world and later. Yet you and your

child can learn a lot from it. The message as content and

core is often telling much and meaningful, the packaging

and form can be avoided and prevented.

Actually applied

What pressure tool(s) does your child use easily?

How do you easily respond to this?

Do you see a connection between the pressure of your

child and your reaction?

What do you think you can do to prevent the pressure of

your child?

541

For a favorable

dynamic

1. Favorable and unfavorable dynamics

As a parent you sometimes experience problems with

the behavior of your child. As a parent you want to bring

about change in this behavior. The efforts you do as a

parent for this, often prove to be without result. You did

your best, however. You may find your child ungrateful,

or unwilling, or it is just so. You do not understand what

prevents your child from doing as you wish. You will find

yourself clear. Sometimes you think you have to insist

more. However, and sometimes even more, you notice

that your child is persevering.

An unfavorable dynamic can really get in the way of

your child.

A favorable dynamic can help your child on his way.

542

In this case it can be good to look at the dynamics in your

child's behavior. However, this dynamic is not always vi-

sible. Sometimes even not easily understood, even if

you ask questions about this dynamic. Your child can not

always help you. You can always try it. Just ask why your

child fails to take into account what you say or expect.

Imagine that your child's unresponsiveness may have to

do with its fear that if it would try to do what you ex-

pected it reacted wrongly and that you would be even

more disappointed in your child and also show it expres-

sively. Doing nothing seems the safest choice. That it just

so can not do anything wrong. But that's how you stay

without a reaction. You can see in this outlined situation

that the fear is negative dynamic that prevent the child

from responding to your question or demand. You can

also see in this behavior that the search for safety is the

positive dynamic that encourages your child to not res-

pond.

As long as the two dynamics - fear and safety - play with

the child, the child will do little or nothing to change its

reaction from nothing. If you want to persuade the child

to follow you, it may be useful to give him or her a dyna-

mic to do this. Just think for yourself what might help:

543

How to translate change-oriented?

What dynamics would you feel your child can bring to

other behavior? Imagine yourself instead of your child:

you are afraid and you are looking for safety.

Being afraid is a feeling, look for a different feeling that

can affect his or her behavior more favorably:

Searching for safety is a need, find a different need which

can affect your child's behavior more favorably :

Did you find a suitable dynamic ? Try it out from the

idea that you would be the child.

You may feel self-assurance or a feeling of self-confi-

dence that you know how to respond to what your pa-

rents expect from you and that if it did go wrong you

would have enough resilience from your self-confidence

to be able to handle this. This was the feeling.

As need you might find proximity to your surroundings

and not have just to play safely by keeping a distance and

shielding yourself by crawling into your shell. If searching

from your vicinity would still go wrong, you could easily

get to a conversation and let hear what you meant and

what you still try to take into account for what you were

asked.

Try it out. Looking from the child's point of view:

Your parents ask you something. You have a dose of self-

assurance and you have sufficient self-confidence. You

want to be close to your parents. You are not afraid to

544

respond and you know that your parents are there for

you. They can count on you as you can count on them.

You are certain that if you do not answer their question

they will not reject you, you do not have to be afraid of

that. You are sure that you are a valuable person. They

let you feel this, even if they do not agree that you do

not accept their request. They continue to focus on their

expectation and not on your person. They do not threa-

ten you and prefer not to seize escalation and a more

powerful and more personal attack. They try to measure

good dynamics. How they can get you. Not with pro-

mises of all kinds. But to speak to you and to believe in

your strength to meet their demand. They try to avoid

getting stuck in a negative dynamic that ultimately leads

to resistance and isolation.

A visual illustration of trying to understand underlying

motivations for behavior as helpful for children with au-

tism.

2. Dynamic targets

Immediately two dynamic points of application are pos-

sible :

1. These of taking away or reducing the unfavorable dy-

namics :

An uneasy dynamic blocks the desired behavior and does

not allow the child to make this behavior. This is because

there is a dynamic for the opposite behavior or for no

behavior at all.

545

In the actions of the parents this unfavorable dynamic

can be given. Often you think as a parent to reinforce

your own performance if you have no or a reverse res-

ponse from your child. Without noticing, this entails the

risk of giving even more unfavorable dynamics. The

child's resistance may become even greater. Or the child

pulls himself back even more to limit the damage.

2. These of imparting or increasing the favorable dyna-

mics :

A favorable dynamic stimulates the desired behavior and

allows the child to set the desired behavior. It provides a

dynamic for this behavior and makes the behavior come

into being.

In other words, it is important to change your perfor-

mance so that the unfavorable dynamics stay away and

there is room for a more favorable dynamic and there-

fore a different behavior that fits your wishes more.

How to translate into concrete action and guidance-

oriented ?

Some cases:

Your child weeps through at a stretch because something

has broken down. The dynamic of his weeping is in the

experienced loss. If something broken could be undone

immediately, the crying would stop immediately. Think of

a child who lost something and found it back sud-

denly. As a parent, however, you do not wish to undo

546

every loss. You want to instill your child's dynamics for a

more caring and cautious approach, then the loss would

not occur. You also think it is good that your child learns

how to deal with loss and the reality that always involves

a certain loss. You want to instill your child's dynamics

for a more careful handling and for a more resilient be-

havior.

Your child is very excited because it feels to have been

treated unjust. It was not allowed anymore to partici-

pate in playing with other children. As long as your child

is left with this feeling of unjust, it will be difficult to calm

down. When it can be explained to the child that it has

already been so often in turn and now other children also

want to get a chance, the child can experience justice to-

wards him. This can calm the child and bring it back to

itself. As soon as the child can feel that he has been

treated fairly justly, it can be established that the child is

calming down. It is then clear to the child that it is later

again at its turn.

Your child is very listless. It does not believe it can do any-

thing. This disbelief in its own possibilities prevents the

child from trying something out and, if possible, gaining

positive experience. Attempts can then be made to teach

the child that it can only know whether it can or can not

do something by trying it and by giving it a chance. And

it is at least not itself responsible for its failure. For its

547

part, it has done everything possible. If it fails, it is not

due to its dynamics or lack of it.

3. Internal and external dynamics

In addition to influencing the internal dynamics, you can

also work on external dynamics. In this way, apart from

the removal of unfavorable internal dynamics and the

addition of an internal favorable dynamic, you can also

try to remove a potentially unfavorable external dynamic

and thus add a favorable external dynamic.

Let's see how this works out :

Thus, for example, a child can not only be frightened by

bad thoughts (there is no one around to help me), but

you can also frighten the child by evoking all sorts of na-

sty ideas through the stories that you tell your child, pos-

sibly from your own fear and insecurity. You can help

your child instead to invoke safe feelings in itself by de-

veloping trustworthy thoughts (there is always someone

around to whom I can fall back and whom I can find or

look for) and you can help your child by contributing to

a safe and trusted environment, supported by a relaxed

feeling and interaction with you as a parent.

In a discussion with your child, it is easily inclined to res-

pond with force, and you can easily be inclined to resist

this. The discussion then escalates easily and your child

then turns out to refuse what you want. You can then

548

notice an unfavorable internal dynamic with your child

and an unfavorable external dynamic from you to your

child. If you can remove this dynamism 'with strength'

from both sides and replace it with a dynamic 'from

strength', then your child may be moved to a rapproche-

ment. Your child can then, from his strength, have the

courage to stay calm and reasonable and consider how

far it can meet you. It can then easily meet your faith and

confidence in a favorable way out of your power. This

can make your child feel less easily attacked and meet

your optimism and feel approached to meet you a cer-

tain end.

A child can sometimes easily and quickly get angry at

other children from its immediate environment due to

difficult circumstances. As an adult you can be very busy

and angry about your child because it is so little tole-

rant. Other children may be tempted to leave the short-

tempered child aside. This can increase the child's anger

as well as the anger of you as an adult. The risk then

exists that the unfavorable internal and external dyna-

mics make it very difficult for the child and gradually iso-

late it further, because it ended up in a negative spiral. It

is then possible to talk to the child and to make it clear

to appeal self its calm and friendly side in itself and how

to do this. The child can then be explained to find so

easier the way back to its playing friends. By looking fur-

ther than the temporary problems with the child from

549

your side as an adult, the child can feel better under-

stood and supported and it is easier for it to open up to

its environment to be part of it again.

550

Eating problems

of children

If it goes smoothly

The first year of life the child has a great nutritional

need. The child grows quickly and increases greatly in

weight and height. Best in the first months of life you can

lay a foundation for a safe feeling around nutrition. You

can not only pay attention to food schemas, but also to

the needs of the child.

From 6 months on, liquids will no longer suffice. That is

why you can start with solid food between 4 and 6

months. This takes getting used for the child, as getting

used to solid food, to new tastes, to being fed with a

spoon, to the drinking cup. In general, feeding is easier

from 6 months. Especially if the child is hungry, you can

The feeding of your child does not always go

smoothly.

Where can you think about and how to react as a pa-

rent?

551

From one year on the child can eat together with lunch.

The eating behavior is influenced during that period by

the taste that is beginning to develop, creating a taste

preference. Also wanting to eat more independently has

an influence on his eating behavior, such as what it does

eat and how much.

From the second year of life, the growth rate decreases

sharply. This results in a decrease in the appetite of the

child. This therefore does not have to cause anxiety

among parents.

In the toddler phase, the basis is generally laid for nutri-

tional and eating habits. The child is very dependent on

what their parents offer and what they do. The child is

greatly influenced by their eating and eating habits.

It goes not always smoothly

There is not always a problem-free development and

food problems can occur. For example, your child may

eat too little or too much, do not eat what you are aiming

for and is picky, especially eating what is not healthy or

nutritious, and have a penchant for sweets and snacks in

between, can not or do not want to sit at the table. Ea-

ting too slowly is often accompanied by a lot of whining,

doing something contrary, and playing with food, such as

overturning his cup or eating food with his hands.

552

You can especially look at the child and try to find out

what its eating behavior is a sign of. For example, the

underlying reason for eating problems may be that your

child is not hungry, or is very tense: it is too busy, anxi-

ous, insecure about something, has a frightened expec-

tation, experiences the pressure created around ea-

ting. Your child may be ill or show the first signs of pain

or discomfort : teeth are coming through, intestinal

cramps, a cold, it is just tired. Possibly your child also

looks for attention or wants to say something with his

eating behavior. Also drastic changes such as a new en-

vironment and other people can temporarily disrupt the

appetite of the child. Before you think of anything else,

it is good to exclude a possible physical cause. This way

you can also bring the food time forward if you notice

that your child shows signs of fatigue during the meal.

To overcome these eating problems, it is best to avoid a

power struggle or fight with your child. It is better not to

force, this may elude dislike and resistance, it may also

be counter-productive. So you better not express

threats, such as no dessert or extra if your plate is not

empty. You may prefer to let ask for more than to offer

too much. This way you avoid an unhealthy relationship

with food.

Better you can use spontaneity, self-evidence, encoura-

gement, stimulation, prizes for every step. In this way

you prevent awakening negativity or weakness. Better

553

also avoid subassertive reactions as whining and con-

stantly talking about it, without believing that it

helps. Sometimes you notice that your child does eat

well with someone else. This may be because your ap-

proach easily generates resistance, it provokes a certain

eating behavior pattern. Or your approach allows resis-

tance. If necessary, you can gain inspiration from whoe-

ver succeeds.

Atuning to your child

Better you can see the eating assignment in relation to

the child and his needs: such as choosing smaller quan-

tities, and avoiding breakers.

Instead of a few large meals, you can opt for multiple

small meals spread over the day. For example, three

meals a day is a habit rather than a necessity. A child can

quickly feel satiated or the feeling of satiety can be ab-

sent as a result of not paying attention to smell and

taste. The child may have been confronted with this pre-

maturely and has not learned to pay attention to smell,

taste and satiety.

With small meals you can not provide more than 2 to 3

hours between two feeding moments, this can be obtai-

ned by snacks, without having to eat outside these

meals. Not the amount per meal is important, you can

better monitor the amount per day. So you can keep

554

track of whether your child receives the necessary nu-

trients. If your child looks good, grows sufficiently and is

lively, it will in principle receive sufficient nutrition.

The question can be asked what is good or sufficient

food. This depends on the nutritional needs of your

child's body and his eating needs. Is it, for example, in

growth or very active? The nutritional need can vary ac-

cording to the growth periods, but also from day to

day. As a parent, it is important not to extinguish the sig-

nals of your child's needs, including hunger and thirst, for

example by ignoring them. After all, the hunger and fee-

ling of satiety determine the eating behavior of your

child.

Make food into something familiar

Fixed and regular eating times are preferred. Eating ti-

mes that you indicate at time so that your child can tune

in on time. It is preferable to provide sufficient food time

in a suitable environment. Best you can try to have the

meals in a relaxed and pleasant atmosphere. If it can as

a jointly situation. By eating with you, you are also a mo-

del as a parent. Here you can pay attention to your reac-

tion for what you do not like and the meaning of this for

your child. Leaving the food entirely to your child will

usually not work, but you can take your child into ac-

count. Also exaggerated eating games can be better

avoided, at most occasionally, such as a spoon for this or

that, etcetera.

555

Sufficiently varied meals are preferable. This way your

child can learn to eat everything without having to eat

all. Learning can be done in steps and in combination, a

bite of something to taste, so it can get used to the

taste. If necessary, you can prepare the food diffe-

rently. Or you can search for healthy alternatives for

what your child does not like.

If necessary, you can clear the table so everyone has

eaten even though the child has little taken inside. Clea-

ring without comment, neither negative nor positive. So

you avoid a downward spiral. Do not pay any attention

to your child. After a certain amount of time, make sure

to remove the plate without any conditions, if the child

does not eat.

What can actually help

You can give your child attention if it eats properly. You

can also actively involve your child, such as boarding its

own plate, or preparing its own sandwich.

Toddlers who want to eat independently can you give a

practice option. This way the child will quickly spill and

fail less. You can emphasize what goes well. Rather than

focusing on his inertia or what goes wrong. A child often

has a hard time talking to it contiously and remembering

what is and what is not.

556

Do not give your child too often and too many snacks, if

little appetite. Do not offer a substitute for not eating:

cookies, sweets, drinks. If possible give a healthy snack

as an alternative : fruit, fruit juice, cheese. Cookies and

sweets at the most immediately after the meal. No

snacks just before the meal.

Avoidance of one-sided diet, in which the child only eats

what it really likes, and the child takes the lead in eating,

instead of the child being guided. Better you can let your

child choose between two equivalent foods. For

example, it can be noted that skimmed products slow

down appetite less.

Small snacks and good chewing can help so that satiety

can occur in time. A healthy drink also helps to feel satia-

ted. This especially for children who have a tendency to

eat too much.

You can make a distinction for yourself between caring

attention and problematic attention. This way you can

invite your child and, if necessary, stimulate it wi-

thout forcing, controling or obliging it. You can pay at-

tention to your statements, such as starving, becoming

ill, disappointing if not eating. You can avoid to culpabi-

lize your child and making it anxious. You can also avoid

showing your concern too clearly. It is best to assume

that your child wants to eat, and not to question eating.

557

Do not too quickly activate one of the following interpre-

tation schemes : again, always, every time, only you,

constantly, can it be different, lasting. Or to activate such

a pattern beforehand.

If there is no clear reason for not eating, focus not too

much attention on not eating. Better let that problem

pass. Still, follow whether the child eats enough and, in

particular, drinks enough.

In case of problems you can try to visualize your influ-

ence on your child's eating behavior. When do you inter-

vene, such as with stress, anxiety, no reaction, unwanted

reaction. What do you think about eating behavior and

desired eating behavior, such as how much food, pace of

eating, independency of eating, eating everything. How

do you try to influence eating behavior, such as removing

tension, excitement, fear, or just the opposite. And what

can you do or could you change so desirably in this.

It is not always a good idea to compare your child's ea-

ting behavior with the eating habits of other children.

Very special can be the situation of premature babies,

seriously ill newborns and children with severe birth de-

fects. Their early eating experiences can be linked to un-

pleasant situations such as intensive medical care. Parti-

558

cular attention should be paid to food refusal or resis-

tance as a result of all unpleasant experiences in the

mouth area, and the possible lack of hunger.

Every child is just different: the growth rate is different,

the learning experiences are different, the history is dif-

ferent, the situation is different. In addition to what is

generally desirable, you can pay special attention to the

needs of your child and adjust your feeding behavior ac-

cordingly. This way the eating behavior of your child and

your feeding behavior for your child are better aligned.

Your ideas about nutrition ... and the reality of your child

Find out which of your ideas about nutrition do not match

the reality of your child:

Find out what you can do about these ideas to bring them