INDEX PART 1 ENCYCLOPEDIA

                                           Presentation encyclopedia     10
Vision, objective and realization, where around

Look differently, react differently    63
How a child experiences a situation or event will largely
determine his reaction.

Assertiveness  youth theme   72
Assertiveness  is  the  degree  of  self-confidence  and
strength  in  your  dealings  with  your  environment.  It  is
something you have to a certain extent and that you can
develop further.

How to keep the balance positive ?    94
You can count on some things. Not on others. How does
the parent tilt the balance favorably?

Proactive development support    101
Parenting is more than rewarding or punishing. As a pa-
rent, you can proactively offer something to which your
child can react favorably.

Limiters - who or what stops me ? youth theme    109
As a young person you can stand for the task of slowing
down and limiting yourself.

From control to influence culture    119
What  remains  of  the  context  in  which  I  was  raised?  In
what  context  do  I  place  the  education  that  I  give  my
child?

Working together with the broad environment

Impor-

tance of social network

124

Parenting isn’t something you do on your own.

Reward and punishment

About development

guidance

131

You reward to encourage behavior. How do you actually
do this in practice?

In your reach! youth theme   142
You  often  feel  powerless  as  a  young  person.  Is  this  al-
ways the case?

Development of meaning    149
There is a lot to learn to discover meanings and to gives
meanings for yourself as a child.  Even harder is it to get
to know meanings that count for others.

Buffers as protection   160
Buffers ensure safety. They allow us to notice insecurity
on time.  How to sensitize children for this?

Preventing burnout as a parent    168
How as a parent prevent to go under? Which signals can
you notice in time? How do you respond?

Out of the center    180
What if a child no longer identifies  himself with the fa-
mily group?

Circular influence    188
What you say or do can be a reaction to your child. Your
reaction can then again be the starting point for the child
to which it in turn reacts.

Claim behavior, demanding a lot of attention    210
Every child needs attention. How to deal with it ?

What can coaching do for me ? youth theme    225
As a young person, much is still a dream to realize. With
discovering  how  to  make  this  happen,  via  which  roads
and  with  the  help  of  what  and  who,  you  can  be  very
much at ease and help yourself.

Cognitions in parenting    230
Cognitions - as what you make of something - determine
your responding as a parent. This is also the case for the
child - what it makes of what you say and do - determines
his reaction.

Cognitive schemas and parenting    242
The  development  of  the  child  coincides  with  the  deve-
lopment  of  cognitive  schemas.  In  the  upbringing,  the
child can be helped with the construction and  filling of
cognitive schemas.

Communicative approach    268
How do you openly communicate with your child in an
open way as part of your upbringing ?

Communicative development child    272
In parenting, much attention is given to language and be-
havior development of the child. Less attention is given
to how communication develops in the child.

For a clear communication    288
Talking to your child is not always easy. A clear commu-
nication can offer more opportunities.

Phase-specific communication    300
Communication  that  accompanies  someone's  doing  in
reality  requires  prior,  during  and  afterwards  conversa-
tion,  in  accordance  with  the  different  communication
phases.

A good contact with my child   310
Every parent wants a good contact with his child. What
does this mean a good contact?

Containment and holding in parenting    323
Children  may  need  someone  who  knows  how  to  cover
their  emotions  and  can  provide  the  necessary  support
and protection.

From co-regulation to self-regulation    332
Adults play through the interactive process of co-regula-
tion an essential role in shaping and supporting self-re-
gulatory development of the child.  Self-regulation as the
skill to get grip on emotions, needs and behavior and to
guide them.

Deconstruction & construction in parenting    346
Deconstruction  is  separating  in  our  thoughts  what
should better be not together.  Construction is bringing
together in mind what helps and offers opportunities.

Partial grouping   361
Subgroups can arise in a group. This offers opportunities,
but at the same time involves risks.

Appeal which parts and sides ?    370
Each  of  us  has  parts  that  can  become  active  and  sides
that can be addressed to. How do these parts and sides
come into play ?

Thinking on   381
A thinking can be on or off. If it is on, a major influence
of this will be on the child's behavior and experiences.

Knowledge and thinking development    395
The  development  of  know-how  and  thinking  helps  the
child to respond to questions and challenges.

Thinking about your parenting    404
Does thinking about your parenting confuse you, or does
it offer added value ?

By thinking    423
Take a moment to consider every day parenting, maybe
it brings you new ideas. Space to stop for a moment in
your upbringing can be to free yourself for new inspira-
tion.

Activation dialog    428
You want the other to perceive something like that and
react accordingly. The other does or does not respond to
this.

Direct and indirect approach    439
Want to focus your parenting directly on your child's be-
havior or indirectly focus on what surrounds it?

Keep distance and go on   446
Sometimes  thoughts,  feelings,  memories  and  percep-
tions  of  yourself  or  of  your  environment  bother  you.
How to keep a distance and continue anyway?

Capacity & burden of the family   456
Also the family has a certain carrying capacity and has a
certain load capacity. These fluctuate over time.

Drug use child    473
It is not easy today as a parent to prevent your child from
having contact with drugs. What can you do preventively
and how can you respond? How to talk to your child, ac-
tivate  his  own  forces  and  offer  support  with  regard  to
drug use ?

From pressure to attraction   488
What alternatives are there for pressure?

The child under pressure   505
Every child experiences pressure. Pressure is a signal that
asks for attention from parent and child.

External and internal pressure    513
A child adds internal pressure to external pressure.  How
to avoid the pressure from becoming too high?

Dealing with pressure from your child   523
A child easily exerts pressure for what it wants or does
not want. How to deal with this as a parent?

Presentation
encyclopedia

Vision, objective and realization

The encyclopedia

‘(P)referential parenting and guidance

from A to Z

’ provides supportive information for family

and school. This is done in the form of a thematic inter-
active  methodical  approach.  She  focuses  on  educators
(parents, child care workers, teachers, pupil counselors,
educator-counselors, social workers) ánd young people.
The encyclopedia tries to translate scientific psycho-ped-
agogical  insights  and  methodologies  based  on  the  very
latest  (neuro)scientific  research  findings  into  concrete

This encyclopedia provides supportive parenting in-
formation for family and school.

The discussed parenting themes can also be found
on :

https://www.opvoeding.be

. These are freely ac-

cessible.

family and school contexts in a modular way. It is an ini-
tiative of the psychcom-research vzw training and re-
search center in Hove (Antwerp):

info@opvoeding.be

The focus in the encyclopedia is on parenting of the child
and on guidance in its dual sense. Guidance, on the one
hand for children with less need for explicit upbringing,
such as very young children, who require more develop-
mental stimulation; or older children, who require more
coaching.  Guidance, on the other hand, in the form of
parental  guidance,  with  particular  attention  to  parents
as a person and their experiencing of being a parent. In
the encyclopedia there is so attention for child upbring-
ing, young child guidance, youth or adolescent guidance
and parent guidance.

At present there are already 600 specific alphabetically
ordered  themes  on  development,  parenting  and  guid-
ance  available,  each  on  itself.  This  corresponds  to  ap-
proximately 6,000 pages of information in book format.
The  theme  items  are  included  in  an  alphabetically  or-
dered database that forms the encyclopedia. All theme
items  have  also  been  developed  for  Internet,  CD-ROM
and USB and can be found at

www.opvoeding.be

The encyclopedia follows an independent course and the
only objective is to make valuable scientific insights and
methods available for a broad audience, especially for
parents, teachers ánd young people. It can be concluded

that  only  part  of  these  insights  and  methods  can  be
found in educational practice. In many cases, the same
approaches are used. This encyclopaedia wants to try to
fill this gap.

In  the  thematic  components,  a  competence-enhancing
approach is chosen. This applies both to educators and
to children and young people. Attention is given to the
way of thinking, to the way of structuring and organizing,
and to the way of acting. This applies to both the parent,
the teacher, the child and the young person. The aim is
to  add  new ways  of  thinking,  organizing  and  dealing  in
education and development. In this way, more possibili-
ties can be made available and perhaps more specific sit-
uations  in  education  and  development  can  be  played
out. The emphasis here is not so much on how to solve
problems, but on how to prevent problems through own
competences from acquired own and shared power and
strength. In other words, there is not so much a focus on
how  to  overcome  weaknesses,  but  how  to  acquire
strengths. So an increased self-management and -regu-
lation  as  an  individual  and  as  a  (family)  group  may  be-
come  possible  within  a  larger  whole.    For  example,  an
attempt is made to prevent a great deal in ordinary up-
bringing in the ordinary environment, something that is
also  referred  to  as  'normalising'.

For example, an at-

tempt is made to prevent a great deal in ordinary up-
bringing in the ordinary environment, something that is
also referred to as 'normalising'. In this way an attempt

is made to prevent a great deal in ordinary upbringing in
the  ordinary  environment,  something  that  is  also  re-
ferred  to  as  'normalising'.    Ultimately,  it  wants  to  in-
crease parenting  comfort for both parent and child, so
that  mutual  interaction  runs  more  smoothly  and  more
and easier results are achieved in the desired direction.
So there should not be more, but just less.

Quality is set for each of the developed theme compo-
nents. To this end, a number of quality criteria are used
that each component must meet. These quality criteria
are:

* informative

* thematic

* process-oriented

* action-oriented

* context-oriented

* power oriented

* meta (contact) oriented

* user-centered

* inclusive

* overview focused

* situating

* methodically

* authentic

* experiential

* understandable language

* broad target audience

* minimal prior knowledge required

* illustrative

* innovative

* coherent

* increasing competency

* easily accessible

* gender inclusive language

* podcast friendly

The content has been kept as accessible as possible, yet
it is special. The quality criteria must guarantee this.

In this way, an attempt is made to make information im-
mediately available without a threshold and without ha-
ving to come forward with

one’s own situation. But on

the  contrary  with  respect  for  one's  own  situation  and
own vulnerability and in a non-committal manner.  He-
reby avoiding to create a feeling of inadequacy or com-
promising existing trust.

Providing information plays a key role.  It should allow to
become more aware of one's own behavior and possible
reaction to it.  The idea is that by looking more consciou-
sly or differently to an upbringing situation, a more cons-
cious or appropriate upbringing reaction becomes pos-
sible.  Through the included interactive element in each
component, an attempt is made to link up with the pa-
rent or teacher and with one's own experience.  So these
try to allow them to start a new experience that can in-
volve a certain evolution. Here there is not always a fo-
cus on what a parent can do, but also or first of all a focus
on what the child needs to develop. For example, to in-

vite parents to think and not to emphasize their own pa-
renting behavior, but to assume the situation for the pa-
rent. In order to be able to come up with solutions more
easily as a parent, without getting stuck in repetitive pa-
renting patterns that complicate being a parent. In this
way, not to perceive parent acting as determined only by
one's own upbringing, but as a result of a complex inter-
play of situation and parent.  Here it is important for the
parent  to  start  from  their  own  situation  and  actions,
their own story and experience, and their own strength,
and to give them a place and also a space. Such as a fee-
ling  of  being  able,  which  sometimes  turns  into  po-
werlessness.  Or  feelings  of  joy  and  affection,  which  go
hand in hand with feelings of sadness and distance. Or
attention and care for oneself as a starting point to be
able  to  give  attention  and  care  to  the  child.  Or  not  to
claim knowing the how as a parent, but looking for the
how together with the child.

Fundamental psychological and pedagogical research is
now making such a progression that it is obliged to re-
write a number of educational insights and approaches.
In this encyclopaedia, parents and teachers are trying to
do this for a number of themes.

As a parent or teacher you expect a lot from the environ-
ment as support in your task as an educator.  You easily
feel  like  you  want  to  count  on  others.    You expect  the
necessary help from the environment and society.  That

contribution  is  however  lacking  easily,  or  at  least  you
have  this  feeling.    In  the  theme  sections,  you  will  exa-
mine what you can do yourself to not experience these
consequences of standing to much alone.  Often as a pa-
rent or teacher you will determine that it is for your ac-
count and that what you do can make the difference.  In
the theme sections you try to offer help and support.

As a parent and teacher you can occasionally, often more
than  you  expect,  come  into  behavior  embarrassment.
This is easily accompanied by a feeling of powerlessness.
You have no influence on the child, while he has to deal
with  the  same  problems  over  and  over  again.  A  don't
know anymore, as if blocked. Nothing gets done in any
way. Your knowledge and skills as parents and teachers
threaten  to  fall  short.  Usually  you  expect  something
from  the  child  that  does  not  work.  The  danger  then
exists  of  putting  the  child  under  pressure,  with  even
more risk of not succeeding.  If you leave it that way, you
will fear that something will never change, at the same
time the child will be given a powerful tool that may in-
crease in frequency and the child might eventually take
over  from  you.    You  can  easily  fall  back  on  your  own
upbringing,  or  you  appeal  to  your  immediate  environ-
ment, relatives or friends.  But even then it is easy to see
that you do not get useful instructions.

In the theme components, the aim is to provide insight-

enhancing,  action-oriented  and  contextually  linked  in-
formation.  Information that mainly explains how some-
thing could happen.  Which processes are present and
how they could respond to them.  Attention is given to
sharing of each and of what is present, and what the in-
put of each and of what is present, could be.    Today pa-
rents realize more than before that they do not always
know and do not always see it.  In the media they tell you
about it, without hesitation.  This means that there is re-
cognition for not being the ideal parent and to be able to
be searching.  At the same time, it turns out that parents
are now more inclined to lean towards something more
strict in order not to go into action.  Perhaps the higher
pace of life is something behind this.  Patient search and
encouragement  requires  more  time.    Possibly also it is
related to the imbalance, according to some people, of
too  little  directive,  sometimes  too  over-crowding  and
leaving too much room for the child when they do not
know.

Many  parents  intend  to  have  fun  from  and  with  their
child.  This soon turns out to be less easy than expected.
As  a  parent  you  can  easily  show  behavior  insecurity.
Whether  something  is  possible,  whether  you  can  best
handle  something.    In  the  encyclopedia,  an  attempt  is
made to reduce this uncertainty from the perspective of
the opportunities and risks of own actions.  Also in indi-
cating which actions in a concrete patenting situation of-
fers  more  opportunities  with  fewer  risks.    In  this  way,

one's own actions are confirmed or optimized, or useful
alternatives for their own actions are provided.  Starting
from your own actions it is indicated how it can become
even more optimal.  Rather than questioning one's own
parent- or teacher-dealing, one can try to find a way to
add value.  It takes into account the rapidly evolving time
with new possibilities and challenges, making parenting
an increasingly complex task. The encyclopedia wants to
help parents and children gain strength in this increasin-
gly  complex  reality  by  looking  for  contemporary  ans-
wers.  So  that  both  can  find  what  suits  them  and  gives
them more opportunities, so that they do not give up or
get  them  in  overdrive.  The  intention  is  therefore  cer-
tainly not to make parents insecure and weak, but rather
to let them gain and strengthen their confidence on the
basis  of  scientific  input.   As  a  parent,  for  example,  you
may  develop  negative  thoughts  and  feelings  towards
your child, which can easily make you stiff and stuck. By
looking  for  how  you  can  deal  with  these  thoughts  and
feelings differently and how to activate other thoughts
or feelings, it will allow more flexibility, something will be
is less in the way and there will be room for change and
a  different  reaction.  This  way  you  can  transfer  from
where you want to go away to where you want to go the
way.  So you can give full attention to your growth op-
portunities.

In  this  encyclopaedia,  the  young  person  is  also  consi-

dered a full-fledged party or steakholder in the educati-
onal process.  After all, it is him or her who is in the cen-
ter of the education process.  He or she is considered as
an active 'agent' who colors the upbringing event and in-
dicates content  and  form  as  'agency'  or  influence. This
implies attention to freedom of choice, behavioral space
and  personally  colored  right  to  exist.  This  is  apparent
from  the  age-  and  gender-specific  approach  in  upbrin-
ging.  There are, for example, theme elements that spe-
cifically address the young person and offer informative
help  in  his  development.    They  were  given  the  name
youth theme.

In the upbringing it is also the young person who in his
actions asks for specific parenting needs in perspective
to his development.  Parenting needs where the upbrin-
ging of the environment can best be connected to as well
as possible.  Thus both, young one and adult, are invol-
ved at the same time.  This is based on the individuality
of each child and each young person. Individuality that
requires its own parenting approach for each.

This can also open the perspective for the adult to be-
come more aware of what parenting and development
processes  mean  for  the  child  and  the  young  person.
What they mean to them, how something is experienced
by them and how they react to it and try to exert influ-
ence.

This  approach  from  child  and  young  person  contribute
to a child's reflex in the adult, of what his actions and the
present situation imply for the child. Something that asks
for feelers of how something is and appears to the child
or young person of the given and experienced parenting.
In this way, the safety and well-being of the child can be
prevented and, if desired, they can be restored with the
necessary  support.  This  is  discussed  in,  among  other
things:  parenting  stress  in  the  child,  when  it  no  longer
works between yourself and your child and my mom or
dad  easily  lose  their  temper.  Something  that  can  raise
such concerns as parents where they wants to work on.
This brings the child into the picture and makes it clear
where to pay attention to.

In this work, therefore, much attention is paid to the vul-
nerability of the child. A child is often unable to assess
the quality of the care and upbringing received. It often
tries to adapt to the care and upbringing situation and
circumstances and to learn from it in order to function
and  develop  as  optimally  as  possible  in  that  environ-
ment. Not only the child, but often also the parent is in-
sufficiently  aware  of  the  possible  lack  of  quality.  If  the
care and upbringing received is problematic, the child is
often  consciously  unable  to  interpret  this,  but  it  does
show  emotional  and  behavioral  reactions  that  point  to
possible  chronic  stress  present  in  a  context  that  is  not
very suitable for the child and its development. The work

pays attention to this child's stress and possible emotio-
nal  and  behavioral  reactions  in  order  to  prevent  this  if
possible,  so  that  better  functioning  and  development
opportunities can arise for the child. More specifically, it
tries to do something about it by providing a more opti-
mal living and development environment with more ap-
propriate guidance and upbringing. It provides informa-
tion and a framework for it. In this way, it may be possi-
ble  to  avoid  a  great  deal  of  powerlessness  being expe-
rienced on the part of the parent(s) and the child, resul-
ting in inappropriate mutual reactions. The information
provided must allow each to be situated in what is hap-
pening, what each is doing and what is possible. Hence
informative parenting support.

As  a  parent  you  consciously  or  unconsciously  work  to-
wards  self-regulation  of  your  child.  For  what  the  child
can not yet do, as a parent you take care of by co-regu-
lation. Co-regulation that helps the child and supports it
to develop more and more self-regulation. Especially the
way  in  which  something  can  or  does  succeed  will  be
given  attention  in  co-regulation,  in  order  to  help  the
child find the way to self-regulation. It is particular this
method  of  regulation  that  will  receive  attention  in  this
encyclopaedia. The younger the child, the more co-regu-
lation will be needed, the older the child the more self-
regulation becomes possible. The younger the child, the
more important the co-regulation, in order to avoid that
the  child  is  missing  a  step  or  facet  in  his  development

with  consequences  for  later.  Co-regulation  appears  to
work  in  two  ways.  One,  in  which  the  parent  helps  the
child to find his own way. Two, where the child helps the
parent  find  the  way  to  him  or  her.    As  the  child  grows
older the more self-regulation can be worked on. Such
as how to deal itself with experienced emotions, how to
keep communicating, how to stay itself in a group, how
to deal with expectations and realities, how to arm itself
against  risk  situations  and  how  to  meet  encountered
problems and how to solve them.

From  the  perspective  of  the  broad  living  environment,
the child is approached in an emancipatory, empowering
and participatory manner, so that it comes to its own as
an authentic person with individual meaning and active
contribution, who occupies a full place in his living envi-
ronment. A broad living environment that offers the ne-
cessary resources and protection for this.

This  two-sided  approach  is  fairly  new  because  usually
only the adult perspective is taken in raising, as if only it
determines the upbringing.  By thinking in terms of up-
bringing processes, this perspective changes to both pa-
renting actors, young one and adult and their mutual in-
teraction  and  relation.    For  example,  each  parenting
event is unique due to the share and interaction of adults
and young people.  Most of the theme components are
therefore aimed at both as full partners in the upbringing
event.

Parenting  is  in  this  sense  double  layered.  On  the  one
hand there is the encounter of parent and child as two
equal beings who share their lives together, interact with
each other in an equal manner, are involved with each
other and grow together. With an eye for meeting with
the wider environment of the family. This forms the ethi-
cal dimension and requires respectful and solidarity-ba-
sed interaction. On the other hand, there is the guidance
of  the  parent  in  the  development  of  the  child.  To  this
end,  the  parent  offers  the  child  care  and  support  and
creates space and time to grow. This constitutes the pe-
dagogical dimension and requires a helpful approach.

Parents today invest more time and energy in their child
and  his  development.  The  child  means  a  lot  to  the  pa-
rent, especially emotionally. It also determines the iden-
tity  of  the  parent.  Parenthood  partly  determines  who
they are, alongside all other partial entities. Parents are
increasingly demanding of themselves and want to offer
quality. They want to give their child every opportunity
and a happy childhood. This requires a lot of effort. They
account for an increasing share of this.  At the same time,
they allow their child more input and a larger share. The
parent means so much to the child. The parent-child in-
teraction is more intense today than before. For parents
this means a more involved and intensive way of paren-
ting.

In some cases, the deep feelings towards each other in

the family may be somewhat underborn by troubles in
daily life. This often happens because people do not al-
ways know how to deal with each other. The needs of
each other

– as the need of other members of the fami-

ly - may also have been  lost and are little or no longer
addressed by the daily tensions and conflicts.  By indica-
ting possibilities and ways to reduce and overcome ob-
stacles,  tensions  and  conflicts,  so  that  the  unfavorable
reality and discussions can be lifted, room for these deep
feelings  and  needs  towards  each  other  can  come  in
place.  Small successive successes can then gradually ini-
tiate a change process and provide the energy for further
steps towards each other.  By bringing these feelings and
needs back to each other, they can also immediately of-
fer a basis for moving towards each other.

Finally,  there  are  theme  items  that  specifically  target
adults.    This  specifically  concerns  parenting,  as  what
means the upbringing for the adult.  This parent dimen-
sion is placed in the theme components next to the pa-
renting dimension.

In  the  scientific  encyclopaedia,  for  example,  there  is
plenty of attention for parenting and guidance for child-
ren and young people.  But in addition, a lot of attention
is also paid to  parenthood, in the form of parenthood-
oriented information and guidance.  Where in parenting
and guidance the child and the younger are central, pa-
rents are central in parenthood.  Parenthood is seen as

broader  than  parenting.        The  offered  upbringing  can
end, the parenthood is not.    Moreover, parents are not
only parent, but also partners, members of one or more
communities and a person on its own. For example, at-
tention is paid to the broader social context of parents,
by  which  someone  gains  meaning  and  comes  into  its
right  as  a  person.  How  can  favorable  relationships  be
built and positive relationships developed, so that a so-
cial network is created, which can be counted on if ne-
cessary and which indirectly benefits the parenting and
the  upbringing  and  development  of  the  child.  Pa-
renthood is thus also seen as encompassing the upbrin-
ging.    In  the parent-child  relationship  there  is  not  only
your  upbringing,  but  also  the  cohabitation  relationship
with your child, the emotional bond and commitment to
your child, your new parental identity, your sociocultural
background,  your  continuing  social  relationships  and
your time perspective (parenting history and future per-
spective).  In the encyclopedia, therefore, support is of-
fered in parenting, but also in parenthood.  Not only are
the well-being and the development of the child and the
younger, the well-being and the development of the pa-
rent as a person also receive full attention.  In addition
to the child perspective and dealing with the child, there
is attention to the parent perspective and dealing with
oneself as a parent. The parent is put in the centre here.
How could you do that being a parent, what does it en-
tail, where and when are you a parent, why or for what

purpose? How do you deal with the parent you someti-
mes are, but don't really want or can

’t be ? Paying at-

tention  not  give  a  number  of  additional  conditions  for
being parent or to put forward a number of qualities that
must imply power and strength for the parent.

For example, parental feelings and stress - up to burnout
- are discussed.  The stages of life of parents as a couple
are discussed as well as the development phases of the
child.  Furthermore, the thinking development and set-
ting of the parent as a person and how this reflects on
the parenting offered.  This means attention to the pa-
rent's interest next to the interests of the child.  Like, for
example, how as a parent  to pay attention to yourself,
yourself as well as a human being, and so on.    This in-
cludes attention to questions, thoughts, feelings, needs
and concerns for the parent and as a person. As a parent,
you  may  know  well  how  to  parent,  but  there  can  be
something in yourself that is bothering you. Something
that you have little insight into, and about which more
information can be helpful in understanding and dealing
appropriately with the child.

Separate attention is paid to being a parent in relation to
the child. What does the child evoke in you as a parent ?
What is activated in you as a parent in contact with your
child ? What thoughts, feelings, needs and reaction ten-
dencies  do  you  experience  as  a  parent  in  dealing  with

your child ? In what situation do you feel placed as a pa-
rent  interacting  with  your  child  ?  How  much  does  the
child ask of you as a parent ? How much attention, time
and energy does the child demand from you as a parent?
Does  what  the  child  asks  for,  correspond  to  what  you
want to offer as a parent ?

So  it  is  proposed  to  start  questions  about  parenthood
with  questions  about  parenting.  How  to  feel  like  a  pa-
rent?  How to grow in the role of parent ?  What evolu-
tion to have gone through ?  How to experience paren-
thood  ?    What  it  demands  from  you  ?    What  it  makes
difficult  ?    Whether  it  matches  your  presentation  of
being parent ?  Whether it meets your initial needs to be
a parent ?  This is based on the assumption that a parent
who  feels  good  about  himself  has  it  easier  to  raise  a
child.  Attention to being a parent in this work is aimed
at getting to know oneself better, taking oneself into ac-
count better, dealing with oneself better and being more
oneselves.

Today, there is a lot of attention for the relationship bet-
ween parent and child and its quality and sustainability.
A good and open parent-child relationship often forms a
solid basis for upbringing and development. In this work,
the nature of this relationship and its aspects and dimen-
sions are discussed in detail. In this way parent and child
can  grow  together  and  it  can  lead  to  a  joint  education
and development. Where people used to think in terms

of the child that needs to be raised and the parent that
needs to raise, people are now thinking in terms of the
relationship between parent and child and how this can
contribute  to  the  shared  challenge  of  developing  and
education together. Together they are then responsible
for development and education. This goes beyond a in-
teractional  or  transactional  proces.  It  is  more  about  a
joint  project  and  proces.  For  example  are  discussed :
connected  parenting,  partner  and  parent-child  rela-
tionship, favorable parent-child relationship and parent-
child relationship as a basis.

More in general the context, as an important actor, re-
ceives  plenty  of  attention.  Both  the  real  context  as  a
whole of small-scale and large-scale cohabitation, as the
ideal context as the whole of beliefs, values and norms
with which someone has to deal. Much is only expressed,
or is only relevant in a certain context. How is thought or
felt, how is acted or reacted and what something or so-
meone is like in reality, often requires triggers of what is
present in a specific situation as a trigger or

‘activator’.

For  example,  parenting  questions  or  problems  can  be
linked to a certain situation or phase in someone's deve-
lopment  and  not  so  much  to  someone's  person,  beha-
vior or parenting history. For example, it is known that
certain  difficulties  only  arise  in  unfavorable  cir-
cumstances. By doing or changing something about that
situation, the difficulty can disappear or diminish, so that

it  can  be  resolved  or  become  more  manageable  to  re-
solve.  Any  situation  problem  less  is  than  a  step  in  the
right  direction.    A  term  like  growing  up  that  stands  for
becoming older, refers to the context in which this hap-
pens, both external and internal context. Both of these
contexts  influence  the  existing  and  possible  develop-
ments and the formation of identity and the opportuni-
ties or risks in this regard. Living in (disadvantaged) po-
verty or being ill, disabled, addicted or having a disorder,
often means that less development is possible or at a lo-
wer level. The living environment can be very decisive for
the development of personality and identity of the child,
such as living in a warm, familiar and stable environment,
or rather in a distant, unstable and critical environment,
an  environment  in  which  expected  and  desired  or  just
not, and so on.  Attention is not only paid to the parent-
child  relationship,  but  also  to  the  family-child  rela-
tionship and for the development of one's own network
as a surrounding context. The broader external context
such as society, culture and current times, such as virtual
online, also have a major influence on growing up.  For
example, in addition to striving to strengthen one's own
strength, there is plenty of attention here for activating
surrounding social networks. The support of these net-
works mainly aims to work preventively and to increase
one's own strengths.

The attention for the child, the parent as educator and
the educational context are not approached here only in

isolation,  but  especially  in  connection  with  each other.
Thus,  according  to  the  transactional  parenting  model,
the child, the educator and the educational context are
the  three  actors  in  the  dynamic  circular  process of  pa-
renting,  in  which  there  is  a  mutual  influence  between
these  three.    The  context  often  forms  a  condition  for
something to be expressed or offered.  At the same time,
child, educator and their mutual interaction help shape
the educational environment.  In this way, it may be pos-
sible  to  join  forces  in  parenting  and  jointly  figuring  out
and agreeing how  it best can be done, as a joint quest
that  offers  opportunities  for  better  ideas  and  dealing
with more well-being.

The encyclopedia also spends plenty of attention to the
time  dimension,  both  on  an  individual  and  social  level.
Individual attention is paid to the child from conception
to  adulthood  and  to  the  parent  from  young  parent  to
grandparent.  Social  attention  is  paid  to  parenting  and
parenthood  in  the  past,  in  the  present  and  also  in  the
future, with attention to the future of parenting and to
parenting for the future.

The  information  provided  is  therefore  situated  in  the
current, constantly changing social framework of the so-
ciety. After all, the challenges parents and children face
today  are  constantly  increasing  in  number  and  size.
Think  of  the  increasing  diversity,  the  disappearance  of
the big stories, such as a religion that offered something

to hold on to,  the globalization, the internet and social
media  and  networks,  the  inverse  pyramid  of  authority,
the endless possibilities and at the same time limitations,
the blurring of categories and at the same time the in-
crease,  the  pervasive  computerization,  scientificization
and  professionalization  and  the  difficulties  to  control
pandemics.

Keeping in mind the context that you as a parent or child
can  do  something  about  and  that  is  within  your  reach
and  the  context  that  is  a  given  for  you  and  which  is
beyond your reach. In both cases this can have an effect
on the upbringing and thinking about it. In the first case
you can play and take your own responsibility, in the se-
cond case you can't. Bearing in mind the risk that the so-
cial situation and responsibility are passed on to the per-
sonal situation and responsibility, without paying atten-
tion to its coherence.

Nobody can predict the future anymore, not in the short
and long term. Every reason to gain in resilience and to
let it develop. So to prevent vulnerability, or to see it as
an opportunity for development. One can speak of a con-
tinuous transition of the society in which old patterns are
no longer useful and new patterns are not yet present or
not sufficiently flexible. How to deal with this and how to
respond to this as a family group is discussed below.  The
increasing  complexity  of  society  can  best  be  seen  as  a
given that you can trust and you are used to, and from

which you can start, without being overwhelmed by it or
losing control.

Attention to the time dimension also means attention to
change.  Such  as  making parents  and  children  aware  of
and let them recognize that change and growth are pos-
sible and that they are in fact continuously present. Thus
in this way increasing empowerment. This can be done,
among  other  things,  by  discovering  new  coping  me-
chanisms, how to use previous personal experience, to
realize that the brain has the capacity to change, taking
advantage of opportunities to grow, how to step outside
the comfort zone, how goal setting works together with
motivation and how to achieve goals.

In this encyclopedia, space has therefore been made for
a number of additional developmental aspects and areas
that are easily overlooked in education. Not only do pa-
rents often fail to pay sufficient attention to certain as-
pects and areas when dealing with their child, certain as-
pects  and  areas  are  also  largely  neglected  in  works  on
upbringing  and  development.  Attention  to  these  deve-
lopmental  aspects  and  areas  should  allow  you  as  a  pa-
rent to let the child develop skills in those areas. This at-
tention  to  this can  mainly  have  a  preventive  effect  be-
cause it often concerns less developed competences in
the child, which, however, if present, can increase self-
regulation and resilience. Supplement means an comple-
ment  and  addition. Complement  of  what was  still  little

or not offered attention or was not central in the deve-
lopment  of  the  child  and  the  upbringing  offered  by
adults. Also an addition of what has received little or no
attention or has been central in thinking and theory and
methodical  education  to  date.  This  encyclopedia  deals
with, among other things: development of favorable dy-
namics, emotional competence, development of cogni-
tive schemas and knowledge schema exploration, com-
municative development as a supplement for language
development,  development  of  prosocial  behavior  and
social  integration, development  of  one's  own  strength,
moral development, personal developmental plan, dea-
ling with changes, equilibration, self-regulation and self-
efficacy  and  development  of  the  search,  influence  and
selection function of the child.

In  our  current  complex  society  with  its  high  degree  of
instability and change, there is an increasing need for the
child to develop its own strengths. By pointing out these
own strengths of the child, it is also possible to respond
more specifically to them in the upbringing. In this way
preventive  possibilities  can  be  developed  to  deal  with
the countless situations and challenges that children and
young people face today, or even to play a central role in
dealing or solution-oriented response. In this way, both
parents and children can increasingly develop a powerful
feeling and have less of a feeling that things are escaping
them, things over which they seem to have no influence
or control. This work aims to additionally highlight some

of  these  developmental  aspects  and  areas,  without  in-
creasing  the  pressure  on  parents.  Not  even  more,  but
better less. Rather, perhaps partly different, which may
make it less demanding in the long run. This is because
solid foundations are laid in the development, on which
you can count on and build on. Memory and cognition
schemes play a central role in this story. It concerns pro-
cessed own experience stored in the memory and infor-
mation obtained from the experience of others. In this
way,  in  contemporary scientific  thinking  with  attention
to  information  and  neuroscientific  processing,  the  ac-
tions of a child or young person are increasingly seen as
memory-determined and centered.

The  parental  approach  in  the  past  easily  created  dis-
tance,  misunderstanding,  hierarchy  and  immutability.
Think, for example, of an authoritarian upbringing or of
punishment  and  reward  as  a  method.  The  current  ap-
proach  offers  opportunities  for  proximity,  understan-
ding,  equality,  changeability  and  is  committed  to  this.
Think, for example, of authoritative parenting or bonding
parenting.  Where  previously  communication  was  diffi-
cult  due  to  the  requirements  or  expectations,  there  is
now more optimal communication due to a listening at-
titude or supportive approach. Where previously the re-
lationship  was  regarded  as  less  or  of  little  importance,
now  the  relationship  and  its  quality  are  paramount.
Where  previously  the  parent  was  central  and  was  the
starting point and the measure, now the child is central

and  forms  the  starting  point  and  the  measure. Being  a
parent used to consist of holding on and staying in one's
role, in being a parent there is now room for being able
to let go (for a while) and knowing how to step out of his
role, the parent is thus more than just being a parent.

Parenting  thus  depends  on  many  actors  as  well  as  on
existing  factors  and  processes  that  influence  the  child
and its development. In this way, forces specific to actors
can be activated or addressed in parenting, some factors
can be influenced in favor and existing processes can be
optimized and activated in a targeted manner.

Education is fundamental to one's life and development.
It lays a foundation for one's functioning and influences
one's later thinking and experience and one's behavior
and  dealings.  It provides  both  forms  and  contents  that
help guide

someone’s life and direction. It characterizes

someone for his further life and development. Education
is very unique, so is its influence and impact. It is at the
root of difference. Education can be more or less impli-
cit, but it is never neutral.

So much scientific research has already been done, that
this requires order and systematization.  This systema-
tization  allows  to  get  an  overview  of  the  various
(researched)  parental  situations  and  opportunities.    In
this way it allows you to situate yourself as a parent or
young person and to discover and oversee the available

possibilities.  This way, an informed choice and selection
can be made of what fits best with you and the situation
and this can be added.  For example, it allows you to si-
tuate yourself as a parent or young person in what you
do and is possible.

This encyclopedia is not so much about how to get con-
trol  of  your  child's  upbringing  as  an  adult.  Rather,  it  is
about how to influence your child's upbringing with res-
pect for your child as a person. The first finds its origin
mainly  in  science,  the  second  in  philosophy  and  ethics
around  it.  The  first  is  hierarchical,  the  second  egal  and
solidary. Science is one, how you deal with its findings is
two. After all, it is up to you to find out how you can deal
with  the  various  scientific  findings  and  what  they  can
mean for you. Freedom of choice and space for this, ta-
king into account your own actions and your concrete si-
tuation,  are  crucial.  You  can  read  more  about  this  in
'Deontology  in  parenting  aid'  (Franck, 1989)  and in  the
theme section 'From control culture to influence culture'
of this encyclopedia.

This differs from parenting information that is often pre-
sented as parenting advice in a or-or form. In this case,
the  proposed  form  of  parenting  is  presented  as  prefe-
rable, or as the mode of parenting. Other types of paren-
ting  are  then  often  presented  as  less  desirable,  or
avoided for a number of reasons listed. In this encyclo-
paedia, it has been decided to place valuable methods of

parenting side by side, with attention for their possibili-
ties and for how they are working process-wise. This is
more  about  an  and-and  story  with  attention  to  what
each of these modes of parenting can be used in which
specific situations.  This without wanting to pretend or
claim anything, but rather to contribute in a modest and
appropriate way.

Consequently, this work does not pursue a reductionist
or prescribing perspective. But there is rather taken an
expansive and informative perspective. There is no con-
verging  punctual  direction,  but  a  divergent  all-encom-
passing representation is sought. Education and paren-
ting are not reduced to something, but what is present
and what can be added is sought. It is also not attempted
to convince, but to stimulate one's own thinking.

For example, when attention is paid to the neuroscienti-
fic  contribution  to  parenting,  no  reduction  is  intended
from child or parent to their brain and its development,
but the brain is seen as involved in childhood and paren-
thood and the development of it. The aim is not to make
a point, but an attempt is made to cover all points and to
give them their place. Nothing is magnified for one's own
story, but rather everything is nuanced for the multitude
of stories. Not one presentation is central, but space is
offered  for  several  presentations.  Also,  not  too  far-
reaching distractions are made with regard to parenting
practice, but an attempt is made to stick to the research

facts. Informing, not advising is the order of the day. Des-
cribing,  not  confirming  or  indicating  preference  is  the
orientation.

In  the  encyclopaedia,  the  emphasis  is  on development
and parental processes, interactions and contexts.  Not
so much the development and  parental factors or cha-
racteristics. Factors and characteristics lead (too) easily
to labels and categories that are difficult to get rid of and
that focus unilaterally on something as if nothing else is
out  there.  Processes,  interactions  and  contexts  rather
offer a description that forms a basis for acting and dea-
ling with it. They are rather diffuse and leave room for
something  outside.  The  emphasis  is  therefore  not  so
much on what and who.  The emphasis is more on how
and  which.    Which  processes  and  influences  are  no-
ticeable  for  both  parents  and  children  and  how  these
processes  and  influences  could  be  anticipated  to  opti-
mize them for development and upbringing.  In this way,
parenting  is  conceived  as  a  development  and  learning
process in which you can grow.  This is done without si-
tuating the origin of the less fluent education with you,
and not you as only responsible to succeed.    Similarly,
this  work  helps  to  understand  how  potentially  unfavo-
rable  processes,  such  as  polarization  and  radicalization
processes, arise and work, by means of the central con-
cept  of  cognitive  or  character.  It  then shows you how
you  can  work  on  depolarization  and  deradicalisation

from this insight.  Finally, it also indicates how these pro-
cesses may link up with existing failures and disruptions.

In this sense, the encyclopedia is psycho- and socio-edu-
cational.  With psycho- and socio-education is meant to
give  more  insight,  more  vigor  and  more  control  by  ex-
plaining  exactly  what  is  going  on,  showing  which  pro-
cesses  (psycho)  and  interactions  occur  in  specific  con-
texts  (socio),  and  letting  experience  what  mechanisms
there  are  to  exert  influence  in  favor  and  which  me-
chanisms go away from what is unfavorable.  By giving
visibility, by articulating and by making it experienceable
and workable, further skill can grow o act with more in-
sight and more impact.

The  encyclopaedia  aims  to  provide  a  certain  level  of
meta in concrete thinking and acting as a parent and tea-
cher in daily educational situations.  So there is not only
what  you  think  and  do,  but  also  a  certain  awareness.
This  way,  an  insight  and consideration  moment  can  al-
ways be built-in.  In this way, you can also incorporate a
moment of choice into your reaction, so that a reaction
with  added  value  becomes  possible.    Because  of  this
greater awareness, you can better tailor your interaction
and better situate yourself between other possible reac-
tions.  Your reflection creates more room to better at-
tune your actions to perceived needs for guidance with

your child.  By keeping a mental view, by following, thin-
king ahead, guiding and reflecting, you get a better grip
on your actions.

By being able to situate yourself better, you also get to
know yourself better.  Like what is typical of your way of
thinking and acting and who you are.  Which, moreover,
this specifically goes back and at when somewhere be-
fore.  This way you discover how what is specific to you
may be a resource, or a stand in the way, and how you
can change this.

Rather than questioning parent- and teacher-dealing, it
wants to offer a basis for this action.  Parents and tea-
chers  can  experience  support  through  this  substantia-
tion.  It also makes it clear to them how they can evolve
in their actions and offers the necessary support to know
these steps.

Rather  than  indicate  anything  from  the  outside  about
the  what  and  how  of  parenting  and  teacher-behavior.
From the inside the starting point is the what and how of
parent  and  teacher-dealing  with  respect  for  their  own
context.  What and how something is for the parent or
teacher.  This should allow not to seek answers, but to
come to formulate their own answers.  Rather than at-
tempt to provide answers, parents and

teachers are sup-

ported to come up with their own answers and so gain own
power and strength.

Parents  are rather  presented  as  experienced  and  com-
petent. Parenting is not approached too quickly as if it is
beyond  their  possibilities  and  power.  Parenting  is  also
not taken for granted. Nor is it taken for more, rather for
otherwise.  Parenting is quite a challenge and difficulties
are considered to be associated with it. These difficulties
are often tied to the development phase of the child. By
informing parents, an attempt is made to increase their
options for action and to allow them to gain their own
and shared strength, so that they can cope with their ac-
tual challenges. However, if the problems encountered
threaten  to  exceed  their  own  possibilities  and  forces,
outside  help  is  recommended.  This  may  be  due  to  the
increase in problems, their timeliness, their intensity, du-
ration  or  recurrence.  Even  then  parents  can  be  sup-
ported  from  their  vulnerability  to  have  an  increasing
share in the solution together with the child.

In a school context, there is a clear question of how to
stimulate social behavior so that young people develop
to deal responsibly with their environment and so that
roughness of behavior can be prevented. The develop-
ment of healthy behavior and learning and work strate-
gies also require attention. As well as learning to control
someone own behavior and dealing with stress and ten-
sion. In many countries, therefore, understanding expe-
riences and behavior is central in a school context.  This
to  acquire  competences  that  help  development  and
learning.

In the encyclopedia the development of the child is put
central.    To  make  this  possible,  parenting  can  make  a
contribution.    In  the  encyclopaedia  this  development-
supporting  meaning  and  function  of  upbringing  is  ad-
dressed.

To give space to the own character of the child and the
adult and let them come to their right, is a central star-
ting point.  Rather than disturbing present processes and
interactions, trying to them gain quality.  Attempts are
made to make what is and happens visible and to offer
possibilities to improve the quality of the interaction.

The  whole  was  developed  from  a  supportive  perspec-
tive,  for  both  parent  and  child,  in  which  polarization  is
prevented.    This  happened  by  not  thinking  in  terms  of
(unfavorable) judgments: such as

‘spoiled’ or 'ungrateful

children

’, 'unrespectful', 'unreasonable', ‘boundless’ or

'egocentric

’ young people, or ‘overprotective' or 'pam-

pering parents

’, or 'mu

tually opposed’ or ‘

uncertain ma-

king' pedagogical experts.  In other words, there is atten-
tion,  not  for  what  goes  wrong  and  who  is  wrong,  but
there  is  attention  to  how  together  from  everyone's
strength the quality can be improved.  So that it does not
turn out to be who is faced with whom, but it is a search
for what to support together.  In this way not choosing
the track of more panic with negative representation of
children,  young  people,  parents  and  pedagogical  ex-
perts. Such as, for example, the child as a risk or problem

child, the upbringing shifted to school education, experts
as depriving spontaneity and intuition and alienating.

Support  is  not  provided  here  for  the  sake  of  not  being
able to handle it alone, which might support suggest. It
is based on their own autonomy and independence. Nor
is it an attempt to make parents professionals, but more
competent and with more options and possibilities, ba-
sed on their own autonomy. No attempt is made to strive
for or achieve professionalism for parents while maste-
ring all possibilities. But it is precisely to allow parents to
explore useful new possibilities based on their own act-
ions, situation and strength. This without feeling obliged
to choose with so much freedom and possibilities.

Parenting support therefore does not have the connota-
tion that parents can no longer or are not allowed to do
it alone. On the contrary, it tries to respect and streng-
then their independence, without imposing anything on
them, but making alternatives available. So that they can
still  gain  in  self-assurance  and  self-confidence.  For
example, the quality of upbringing can be further enhan-
ced by making information available if it is desired.

In  this  encyclopedia  it  was  decided  not  to  do  this  in  a
language  for  professionals  or  experts,  but  to  opt  for  a
universal  design  when  providing  insights  and  behavior.
Preference  is  given  to  the  language  of  parents  or  tea-
chers.  Even more, where possible, preference was given

to  the  language  of  the  child  or  the  young  person  to
whom it ultimately goes.  Not what professionals say, but
what can something mean to me as an adult, or how can
it be useful for the child or the young person in develop-
ment.

Rather than winning the reader for something in the en-
cyclopedia, an attempt is made to bring together multi-
ple insights and to possibly build bridges.  Attempts are
being made to broaden the horizon so that a better lo-
cation of one's own upbringing situation and action, and
a more specific choice and response become possible.

Sometimes  focusing  on  parental  competence  is  called
demanding and disruptive, as this would result in paren-
tal insecurity and confusion.  It is meant that a scientific
approach would have insufficient eye and respect for its
own complex educational reality and would require pro-
fessionalism.

In  other  words,  use  is  made  here  of  a  distinction  bet-
ween an empirical scientific perspective with diagnoses
and advice and a philosophical framework and meta-ap-
proach that allows for more personality and more speci-
fically the individuality of the parent, the child and their
context.  The first is then indicted and the second then
acts as prosecutor.

However,  this  latter  philosophical  insight  may  still  re-
quire  more  competence  than  to  conform  to  empirical
findings.    In  this  encyclopedia  both  dimensions  are
treated as competences for this purpose, the first empi-
rically-scientifically  substantiated  with  emphasis  on  in-
forming  and  not  advising,  the  second  as  philosophical-
scientific and ethical with emphasis on own experience
and thinking.    These two dimensions or layers are ap-
proached in encounter with each other and in what they
can mean for each other.

As  scientific  knowledge  increases,  some  scientists
become worried about the use of this knowledge.  They
fear  that  scientific  diagnoses  and  advice  make  parents
insecure.  They suggest that parents better follow their
own  compass  and  gut  feeling  and  ignore  scientific  in-
sights  and  findings.    At  most  they  can  exchange  ideas
with each other as experience experts.   With a risk today
of 'sharenting', where via the social media too much con-
tent  about  or  outgoing  from  own  children  is  shared,
therefore  also  called  'oversharenting'.    In  this  sharing
with each other, more and more organization is pursued,
in accordance with the trend towards the socialization of
care as no longer just a matter for the government. Pa-
rents, citizens, volunteers and professionals work toge-
ther  around  everything  related  to  education,  from  the
motto upbringing, you don’t do it as a parent alone. So
locally  organized  volunteer  work  is  linked  to  informal
educational help, also known as educational civil society.

With  the  risk,  however,  of  an  unequal  distribution  of
upbringing support through initiative from below.  In this
context,  social  meeting  spaces  with  a  range  of  games
and  meeting  options  are  provided,  without  specific  di-
rection  or  preconceived  purpose.  Parents  and  children
can  meet  each  other  and  exchange  experiences  and
ideas that can be enriching. Parents find recognition and
social and emotional support there, can learn from each
other and, through the diversity encountered, better si-
tuate and measure themselves and their actions. In this
way  they  can  gain  self-confidence  and  a  sense  of  self-
worth.  The importance of support from one's own social
network is also pointed out. Research by the Social Cul-
tural Planning Office in the Netherlands shows in parti-
cular that support from one's own social network often
has positive effects and advantages for parents. Howe-
ver, it can sometimes also bring uncertainty, as it turns
out.  It also appears that being able to fall back on a social
network is less often possible for parents in a vulnerable
position.  There  appeared  to  be  limits  to  the  support
sought for privacy reasons and out of shame, parents do
not always want to share their situation and problems.

Another fear is that parents would blindly follow scienti-
fic  developments  closely  and  become  afraid  of  making
mistakes by deviating from them in their thinking and ac-
tions.  That  instead  of  more  options,  only  one  way  and
manner would remain. This out of concern for parents to

disadvantage  their child or  even  cause  harm.  This  con-
cern is stronger in Anglo-Saxon countries. More specifi-
cally,  the  numerous  recent  neuroscientific  findings
would oblige parents to follow a neurodiscourse in  pa-
renting that focuses primarily on the brain development
of their child. As if their child and its development could
be reduced to this. There is then talk of one-sided neu-
roparenting  that  would  limit  both  the  parent  and  the
child in their freedom. But here too it appears that it is
not  entirely  possible  to  eliminate  parenting  insecurity,
that  a  nuanced,  faithful  and  appropriate  translation  of
research is necessary if it is to be useful and that it is dan-
gerous to reduce the child to its brain and parenting to
development of its brain.

Because we start from the independence and autonomy
of parents and young people and we only want to streng-
then and support parents and young people, rather than
confuse and weaken them, we chose to inform parents
and young people about the various available knowledge
and  the  range  of  also  new  possibilities.  In  this  way  we
want to leave the initiative to parents and young people
to inform themselves and make or strengthen their own
choices. This all is not based on a weakness or gap that
must be eliminated, on the contrary, parents and young
people  are  recognized  and  validated  in  their  strengths
and forces. The optics are therefore rather bidirectional,
what can each learn from each other, rather seeking ba-
lance  and  dosed,  which possible  contribution  each  can

have and not reducing or persistent, but just opening up
and expanding with the necessary nuances.  Perhaps to
join forces here too and find out together and agree on
how it best can be done, as a joint quest that offers op-
portunities for better ideas and dealing with more well-
being.

We outline the various options, so that this information
is available if required, without including the expert role
of diagnostician or consultant.  Leaving users all (paren-
tal) freedom.  Our point of view here is not to withhold
parents  or  young  people  from  scientific  information  or
to put them in perspective.  In this way we hope to allow
them  to  inform  themselves  about  what  they  are  doing
and what is possible in addition.

So this work is not about telling parents what to do. It's
more about pointing out options. No formulations as ad-
vice to be followed, but offering a possibility and oppor-
tunity to think for themselves and make their own choi-
ces.  Taking  into  account  available  information,  one's
own situation and one's own strength.

The encyclopaedia is primarily focused on a preventive
educational approach.  This does not alter the fact that
a lot of information can be used in a more problematic
educational framework.

For each theme section at the back, a number of questi-
ons are provided for inspiration. They can help concre-
tize and apply the insights and methods provided.

What is addressed in education in a micro environment,
such as the family, can have a certain relevance for the
interaction in a macro environment, such as the society.
Similar  stresses  as  a  result  of  communication  and  in-
fluencing methods can, for example, be recognized.  At
the same time, solution methods linked to more harmo-
nious communication and influence methods in a family
context can be meaningful in a broader social and cultu-
ral context.  The how has many parallels, even if the who
is something different.

Often the challenge is even greater in the family, given
the  close  and  continuous  life  of  relatively  few  people,
while in the society there is more distance, temporality
and a larger and wider whole.  In the family the conse-
quences and repercussions are immediate, in society the
consequences  and  repercussions  require  a  little  more
time, although they may be far-reaching.

From now on you can also listen to the alphabetically ar-
ranged parenting themes as a podcast. This can be done
by  opening  the  part  of  the  encyclopedia  in  which  your
chosen  theme  can  be  found  and  then  downloading  it
with the download symbol at the top. You can then open

this  downloaded  file  from  Word.  In  Word,  choose  Re-
view and then Read Aloud. You can then go to the desi-
red parenting theme and listen to the fragment as a pod-
cast  with  the  play  arrow.  Enjoy  listening!  If  necessary,
convert PDF to Word and save a copy. Once you've figu-
red  out  how  it  works,  it's  very  user-friendly.  Playing  a
dash  of  quiet  or  classical  music  in  the  background  in  a
split screen view can complete the picture.

All information in the encyclopaedia has been collected
and compiled with great care.  However, no responsibi-
lity can be taken for the content and use thereof.  Con-
sultation and use are entirely under your own responsi-
bility.

The content of the encyclopedia can be quoted with re-
ference of the source.

Where around

In the encyclopaedia, special attention is given to the re-
ferential thinking & working model. In English referential
model. This referential thinking & working model is gra-
dually making its appearance in the care and healthcare
sector and integrates many of the existing thinking and
working models by taking a step further. It does this by
systematizing  the  existing  models  and  incorporating
them into a larger sustainable whole with its own con-
ceptual  framework. Particularly  insight  into  the  often

problematic  processes  present  and  making  a  switch  to
more favorable processes is one of its assets. To this end,
the referential model is simultaneously process-oriented
(neural  and  mental),  action-oriented  &  context-
oriented.    She  relates  these  different  orientations  to
each other and visualizes their mutual links.

More  specifically,  attention  is  given  to  what  parenting
and guidance models refer to, the where around, to give
them  a  place  opposite  each  other  and  to  make  visible
what can still be added, the where to, in order to arrive
at a total picture. In particular, it wants to provide more
insight into the often problematic processes present in
someone's development, the where around, in order to
make a switch to more favorable development proces-
ses, the where to. On an individual level, it thus wants to
help to gain insight into what it is all about for someone,
the where around, to get from here to what it could be
about for someone, the where to.

The  model  shows  affinities  with  the  emerging  schema
thinking & working model, the current identity question
and the evolving evidence-based information processing
theory  with  neuroscientific  roots. It  expands  the  con-
textual model further.

Referential represents what something is about. What is
in the center and is the essence.  By being aware of this
in its various forms, what revolves around what is in the

center and forms the essence, can be changed. The re-
ferential approach wants to create space to make visible
what  plays  a  central  role  in  a  person's  functioning  and
functioning  together,  but  is  difficult  to  make  visible
because we are so close to it. It wants to make resources
available from visibly made processes to optimize what
is so central, so that a better personal and cooperative
functioning  can  ensue. From  the  referential  it  is  just  a
step towards the (p)referential.

In this approach, attention is given to the cognitive, the
virtual and the cultural in individuals and groups of indi-
viduals. This as inner core elements, also called cognitive
and cultural schemes, around which it can turn with so-
meone or a group.   These mental elements are brought
together to describe and predict the influence and direc-
tion of individual and group behavior. It shows how each
participates  in  his  own  understanding,  behavioral,  and
contextual filling of his inner schemas and how this has
an  orientation,  steering  and  limiting  effect  on  his  own
expression and his own actions. In addition to the collec-
tive linguistic filling of used concepts, there is a personal
psychological  filling  of  these  concepts  that  determine
what something is or should be for each, how you do or
should  do  something,  and  where  and  when  to  achieve
something.

The referential model allows to visualize what is linked

and what refers to each other in its coherence and con-
gregation, to put it in its proper context and to help on
the way to from a new perspective. This way connections
can be made visible and what makes reference to some-
thing else made aware. This way the larger picture can
be  mapped. As  a  result,  possible  obstacles  can  be  de-
tected  and  forces  released. This  way difficulties can be
given  a  place  and  problems  solved. Like,  for  example,
how negative experiences can stand in the way, or how
someone remains excessively stuck to unusable beliefs,
or how certain emotions and desires stand between so-
meone and his environment, or how someone threatens
to fall victim to unrealistic plans or unattainable dreams,
and more.

Schemes  can  help  explain  why  we  do  not  so  easily
change opinions or feelings. First, there is a tendency to
retain  an  already  developed  cognitive  or  emotional
schema. As a result, we will only or preferably note what
fits within our schemes. This is how we protect our per-
sonal truth. Secondly, there is a tendency to defend our
schemes. We evoke thoughts and arguments ourselves
in  accordance  with  our  already  developed  schemes  or
beliefs. Thirdly, if we want or need to change or change
our  schemes,  we  do  this  only  step  by  step  or  by  little
bits. We only shift a little each time.

Thinking  in  terms  of  schemes  around  which  something

turns or is about and which are disturbed is already com-
mon  to  researchers  and  professionals. This  includes,
among  others,  identity  questions,  agression,  schema
therapy,  diagnosis  and  treatment  of  anorexia,  trauma
treatment, suicidal and attachment problems.  Schemes
often play a mediating role between what used to be in
the less favorable development and what is expressed at
a later stage.

In this work this is supplemented with schemes with un-
disturbed  development  in  a  favorable  framework. For
example,  schemas  can  be  dimensionally  situated  on  a
continuum of a non-disturbed with an average develop-
ment to a disturbed in a problematic development.   Dif-
ferent degrees can then be recognized.

This approach deals extensively with seeing what we ex-
pect to see: such as our own anxieties and fears, desires
and wishes, ideas and benefits. This is possible without
the fact that something in reality corresponds with this
as present, or as is so, or as corresponds with to those
expectations.

But also that, as a rule, we do not notice what is not ex-
pected, because it is not feared, is not demanded or is
not proposed. Even though it is present or present in re-
ality, but not in expectation.
This  is  also  sometimes  described,  if  too  pronounced,
distorted and/or too one-sided, as living in a world of its

own or a bubble of its own.  Here the reality is replaced
by personal memories, ideas, expectations, dreams and
fears without a real link to reality. What lives inside is so-
metimes described as facts that can take the form of 'fa-
ke' or 'alternative' facts and do not correspond with rea-
lity.

The referential thinking & working model is substantia-
ted with scientific findings from recent research and thus
translates research into practice. It forms a scientific up-
date of existing insights.   So she added to these insights
the  contextual,  the  cognitive,  the  neuroscientific,  the
cultural and the virtual dimension. Psychology is thus not
only in function of behavior and psychic behavioral pro-
cesses, but also in function of behavioral conditions. In
other words, the referential model is not a theory, but
forms a framework in which scientific research  find his
place.  It arose from a fragmentation of insights and me-
thods in the field of pedagogy and guidance that had no
binding agent.

(P)referential in the title of the encyclopedia has a dual
meaning. When talking about parenting, there is often a
preferential undertone : 'You can best do that.' However,
this  encyclopedia  uses  an  informative  point  of  view  -
hence the p in brackets. It wants to clarify what it refers
to in the various types of parenting. As where it revolves
around, so that this or that direction is not unconsciously
taken. What is parenting about and where thus it goes

to, together, where to go to or is referential. In addition,
there is a second reason for using (p)referential. Perhaps
or  possibly  the  conscious  own  choice  for  certain  and
multiple references in parenting is preferred and is pre-
ferential.

In summary, the initial p is stripped of the initial prefe-
rential,  in  order  to  become  aware  of  what  is  central  in
different  ways  of  parenting.  Later,  after  clarification  of
several references to where parenting refers, it is possi-
ble  to  make  a  consciously  and  own choice  for  multiple
references as what is perhaps or possibly preferential -
in this way referential gets its initial p back.

On this scientific encyclopedia is worked for years.   This
encyclopaedia wants to be an available precipitation of
this innovative work.  Hopefully it finds its way to inte-
rested parties and end users.

A  total  of  12  volumes  are  available  with  alphabetically
ordered  (p)referential  parenting  and  guidance  compo-
nents.   Each of these theme items is self-contained and
can be used separately.   At the same time, themes are
integrated into the larger whole that forms the encyclo-
paedia.

Even though the scientific encyclopaedia is arranged alp-
habetically, some emphases can be indicated of what is
dealt with in the individual parts:

In part one and two it is mainly about attention, care and
well-being

for

reality. For

example, communica-

tion and dynamics  are central  to  Part  1  and  Section  2
describes behavior and well-being.

In part three and four it is mainly about attention, care
and well-being for yourself.  For example, in part 3 inte-
raction and image formation is central and in part 4 mo-
dels and learning.

In part five and six it is mainly about attention, care and
well-being for the other person.  For example, in section
5 guidance and development  is central  and  in  section
6 parenthood and parenting.

In part seven and eight it is mainly about attention, care
and well-being for the relationship.  For example, in sec-
tion 7 the reactive and (problem) solution is central and
in part 8 relational and referential.

Part 9 and 10 focus primarily on attention, care and well-
being for the environment and context.  For example, in
section  9 social  interaction  and  schema  development
is central and in part 10 language and change.

In parts eleven and twelve, it is mainly about attention,
care  and  well-being  for  the  whole  of  the  mind.    For
example,

section

11, connection and valuation

are central and in section 12 world- and self-orientation.

The  attention,  care  and  well-being  offered  in  each  of
these  areas  can  lead  to  a  more  optimal  handling,  rela-
tionship  and  connection  in  each  of  these  areas.  In  the
contact-oriented,  relationship-oriented  and  connecting
parenting, there  is  increasing  interest  in  this.  Attention
stands  for  mental  in  mind,  care  stands  for  behavior
around  and  well-being  stands  for  the  desired  experi-
enced reality. All this can best be achieved from devel-
oping competence.

In each of the scientific parts the emphasis is always on
two  complementary  facets  or  processes  of  parenting
and  counseling.  One  facet  is  for  the  share  of  parent(s)
and  supervisor(s).  The  complementary  facet  is  for  the
child's  share  in  development.  One  process  takes  place
with  parent(s)  and  supervisor(s),  the  complementary
with the child. Both complementary facets or processe
anticipate and influence each other. No matter how dif-
ferent, they always form a whole. These complementary
facets are thematically broader across the parts.

These complementary facets are successively:
communication and own dynamics (part 1),
behavior and well-being (part 2),
interaction and image formation (part 3),
models and learning (part 4),
guidance and development (part 5),
parenthood and parenting (part 6),

the reactive and (problem) solution (part 7),
relational and referential (part 8),
social interaction and schema development (part 9),
language and change (part 10),
connection and valuation (part 11),
world- and self-orientation (part 12 & 12bis).

This broadening of the demands of parents can also be
found in the top 5 in the Netherlands of questions about
parenting, obtained on the basis of national and provin-
cial research reports.  This has also been taken into ac-
count in the classification.

This top 5 of parenting questions is:
1: General development of children, health and child di-
seases, can be found in
communication and own dynamics (part 1) and
behavioral behavior and well-being (part 2),

2:  Behavior  of  children,  especially  difficult  and  'disobe-
dient' behavior, can be found in
interaction and imaging (part 3) and
models and learning (part 4),

3:  Setting  limits,  listening  and  'obeying',  correcting  and
punishing, reflected in
counseling and development (part 5),
parenthood and upbringing (part 6) and
the reactive and (problem) solution (part 7),

4: Socio-emotional development, self-confidence, uncer-
tainty and (failure) anxiety, reflected in
relational and referential (part 8) and
social interaction and schema development (part 9),

5: General educational questions and skills, to be found
in
language and change (part 10),
connection and valuation (part 11) and
world and self-orientation (part 12 & 12bis).

Today, the referential model is unintentionally more cur-
rent than ever. Today, more and more tendencies can be
observed in society to break through and abolish the tra-
ditional  gender,  ethnic  and  class  categories  and  divi-
sions. This sometimes leads to new and other more va-
ried  categories  and  dividing  lines  with  a  larger  assort-
ment. Sometimes all divisions and distinctions are lifted.
Everyone can then fill in everything themselves and ac-
cording to their own preference and dosage, so that col-
lective  labels  and  associated  valuation  are  no  longer
useful. This is often linked to accepting and appreciating
everything  and  everyone,  called  woke.  The  referential
model  describes  the  underlying  processes,  including
how to bring about change.

Some short visual illustrations of possible application of
referential thinking and working

animation presentation

I would like to laugh,
but I feel sad!

We try to solve upcoming problems,
while we do not pay attention to
what there is, what works and what
is feasible!

I am always excluded and then I feel unsafe.
I would love to belong to the group and count
as someone, so I could feel safe.

Our child can easily divide us, for whom our
child chooses.
Instead of competing, we could also discuss
together, support and follow each other!

I prefer other parents as experi-
ential experts to share things.

I choose to exchange thoughts
and experiences as parents and
to form myself as thus.

I prefer experts to help
me with this.

I choose to learn and increase
my competence as a parent.

Can you be realistic
and child friendly!

I am friendly and
warm!

I am principled!

Look differently,
react differently

How a child experiences a social situation or event, will
strongly determine his reaction. This reaction can be a
favorable starting point for children with whom it is con-
cerned. This reaction can also form an unfavorable star-
ting point for the reaction of the other children. The re-
action of the first child is determined by the way it per-
ceives the situation or the event, how it experiences and
interprets it. The child can change little about the situa-
tion or the event. The child can also change little how
the children will respond to his reaction. It may, howe-
ver, try to change its unfavorable perception into a more
favorable one. In this way it can react differently, so that
it gives the other children the chance to react more fa-
vorably and differently.

How a child experiences a situation or event, will
greatly determine its response.

In summary :
How a child looks, not only determines his reaction, but
largely also the reaction of the other children.
If we want to influence the reaction of the other children,
we will have to change the way of looking of the child.

Below are three situations, find out for yourself how the
child can turn his reaction, but also that of the other
child, by a more favorable experience. In order not to get
stuck in the 'unfavorable situation' and the unfavorable
reaction of the other child, it can try to change its per-
ception so that it can react differently. As a result, the
child can develop the sense of having a grip on a difficult
situation and not being dependent on it, or having to un-
dergo the helplessness.

1.
Situation:
looks at me
To experience :
Thinks I am weird
My reaction :
look away and do not dare to do anything
say or do
Consequence:
The other child is really staring at me now

against themselves. This immediately implies an unfavo-
rable  starting  point  for  the  reaction  of  other  children,
who may feel misunderstood in some way or who per-
ceive that they are faced with someone who is a model
for self-discernment.

Children with such less favorable perceptions can be hel-
ped by helping them in addition to their first spontane-
ous unfavorable experience to find a second experience
that is more favorable. Not from a painful past but from
a hopeful self-challengers future. To take the height of a
less  tense  factual  reality  that  is  more  nuanced. On  the
basis of this image, which is closer to reality, one can opt
for  a  reaction  towards  the  other. This  immediately  im-
plies a more favorable starting point for the reaction of
the other person, who feels addressed and experiences
someone who is open and approach-able.

Since the first emotional reflex has often become an au-
tomatism,  the  child  will  always  have  to  go  beyond  this
automatism in order to arrive at a second more realistic
experience, closer to the other and themselves. A diffi-
culty  here  is  that  the  emotional  reflex  is  always  faster
than  the  reality-based  reaction. The  child  will  have  to
make every effort, until the new experience has gradu-
ally  become  an  automatism. In  this  way  the  child  can
come from a defensive or protective attitude to a more
involved and cooperative attitude.

red

is unfavorable perception,

green

is favorable perception

Below are three situations, find out for yourself how the child can turn its reaction,
but also that of the other child, by a more favorable experience.

In order not to get

stuck in the 'unfavorable situation' and the unfavorable reaction of the other child,
it can try to change its perception so that it can react differently.

As a result, the

child can develop the sense of having a grip on a difficult situation and not being
dependent on it, or having to undergo the helplessness.

Situation:

looks at me

To experience :

Thinks I am weird

My reaction :

look away and do not dare to
do anything

say or do

Consequence:

The other child is really staring
at me now

Situation:

sticks tongue out

To experience :

hate me

My reaction :

turn my eyes down

and walk away

Consequence:

the other child starts to laugh
laughter

Situation:

laughs at me

To experience :

laughs with me

My reaction :

sting out tongue

Consequence:

The other child laughs even har-
der

Situation:

looks at me

To experience :

shows interest in me

My reaction :

stands still, watch back en
asks what happens

Consequence:

winks at me as recognition

Situation:

sticks tongue out

To experience :

does funny to me

My reaction :

run to him

Consequence:

make himself a joke about
tongue

Situation:

laughs at me

To experience :

likes me

My reaction :

teases with his tongue

Consequence:

is running to me

In summary :
The first old experiencing, feeling, thinking, imagining the
other and themselves and reacting in a situation will gra-
dually  consciously  be  replaced  by  sustained  effort  by  a
second new experiencing, feeling, thinking, imagining the
other and themselves and reacting.

In this way the child can gradually start from leaving be-
hind the situation and children with which to make, and
come to an on the way to the situation and the children
with whom it wants to deal.

Because of emotional automatism, the environment and
the child will have to pay sufficient attention to the actual
realism.

The  situation  and  the  children  that  are  dealt  with  will
have to be stripped of their own less favorable associati-
ons  and  thus  provide  space  for  more  favorable  helping
connections.  Deconstruction can thus provide space for
new construction.

This is not an easy task for the child, which obviously has
his feelings of insecurity, less trust in other children and
self-doubt. For these feelings, the necessary space must
certainly also be offered relational.

However,  if  the  child  does  not  want  to  become  even
more victim of these feelings, with the risk that they still

increase in size and intensity, then it needs positive so-
cial confirmation. The child can increase the chances of
this  by  believing  that  the  perceived  insecurity  and  the
less trust in others and themselves are only temporary
and that certainty and trust for him or her and in other
children must also be possible by finding opportunities
for this.

In  addition,  it  can  often  be  even  more  difficult  for  the
child if it encounters real unfavorable feelings and a truly
repulsive attitude with other children, which may be trig-
gered by their own reaction. Even then, when the child
encounters  unfavorable  feelings,  thoughts  and  inten-
tions with other children, it is necessary not to continue
this and to offer no longer any further opportunities for
it. But to make an attempt to reverse this yourself. The
grip on this situation and the reaction of the other child-
ren will otherwise be minimal in such a situation. Only by
taking  steps  to reverse  the  negative  spiral  by  a  second
more favorable perception of where to want to go in the
future, despite the perceived lack of openness and coo-
peration,  can  eventually  be  found  to  be  connected  to
other  children  and  to  awaken  step-by-step  a  different
feeling, thinking, meaning and reaction to them.

How parents can help ?  Recent research at Utrecht Uni-
versity shows that explanations parents give to child be-
havior helps young children to view the behavior of their
peers with less hostility. Young children are more easily

hostile or agressive when they think other children want
to hurt them. This is so when they interprets it as provo-
cation. Most children interpret ambiguous contempts as
accidental, some find them hostile. By framing social si-
tuations in a positive way, parents can let their child ex-
perience less hostility in their social world. This way they
can  reduce  the  chance  of  agressive  behavior.    Young
children rely primarily on their parents to help them un-
derstand their social world. Very often they talk to their
parents about dealing with their peers.

Recent research from the University of Illinois shows that
the  quality  of  friendships  in  children  can  be  influenced
by the benign or hostile finding of the intentions of peers
and by how they experience and express their own emo-
tions. The emotions present do not stand alone, but go
together with the activated cognitions in a social context
when  a  child  communicates  with  peers.  Both  interact
with each other. Here it is the emotion and its intensity
that motivates or stimulates the reaction and the cogni-
tion that gives direction to the reaction, friendly or hos-
tile. Children can respond more quickly when their hos-
tile judgment or bias is fed by stronger emotions. They
attack  other  children  or  ignore  other  children.  On  the
other hand, children can show a more positive behavior
towards friends if their friendly representation is combi-
ned with stronger emotions. Their friendship and inter-
action with each other is growing then.

Assertivity

A learning school for assertiveness

Assertiveness is not a given. It is something that can be
learned,  or  can  be  given  in  education.   It  is  not  some-
thing that you do or do not have. You have it to a certain
extent.

Assertiveness  is  not  an  easy-to-handle  skill.   If  you  use
too little of it, then you are subassertive and you achieve
little. If  you  use  too  much  of  it,  then  you  are  easily
agressive and you also achieve little.

In the first case you risk that others take over from you
because  you  are  subassertive. In  the  second  case  you

Assertiveness is the degree of self-confidence and
strength in your dealing with your environment.

It is something you have to a certain extent and that
you can develop further.
YOUTH THEME

Actually

I mean no …

I say no.

No !!!!!!!!!

ASSERTIVITY

easily collide with resistance and resistance from others
because  you  yourself  are  agressive  and  offensive  or
come across.

It  is  nice  that  assertiveness  gives  you  the  necessary
energy  and  strength  to  take  the  defense  of  your-
self.   Preferably  on  time.   In  particular,  it  can  be  esta-
blished that whoever waits and, above all, waits, gets it
hard to stand up for himself, or to stand up enough.   You
have already made too much space, or you are forced in
an ungrateful role to still save something.

Actually

I mean no …

I say no.

No !!!!!!!!!

A S S E R T I V I T Y

How to promote assertiveness and resilience develop-
ment

Communication assertiveness is an aspect of communi-
cation positioning. It is the degree of self-confidence
and strength with which you conduct a conversation and
move in your interaction with your environment, so that
possible influence or tenacity is the result of what is ex-
pressed and not of the perceived uncertainty and weak-
ness.

Attention can be paid to the belief in yourself, in your
own views and in your skills as a (conversation) partner.

Attention  can  be  given  to  expressing  assertiveness  in
what  and  how  something  is  expressed  through  both
speaking and body language.

You can pay attention to your own base, the personal
support and the self-contained responsibility for your ex-
pressions.

You can pay attention to how to resist or prevent pres-
sure from the other person.

You can also pay attention to how to create space for a
vulnerable attitude of yourself within a safe and trustful
relationship or environment.

Communication assertiveness is characterized by:

I know how to express my views, attitudes, feelings and
desires.

I clearly say what I think is important, desirable or neces-
sary for me.

I can easily make clear what I expect from the other per-
son.

I easily express my opinion in such a way that it is taken
into consideration.

I consider it my responsibility to express my feelings, my
experience, my needs and desires.

It's okay to ask what you want without feeling guilty and
without experiencing it as if the other person will judge
you.

In conversation, be attentive to his own (and possibly dif-
ferent) vision, opinion, preference or desire to have, to
recognize, to admit and to accept.

Let go of the idea not to have to listen to yourself what
your feelings, thoughts and needs are, because you can
not take them into account anyway and it only produces
disappointment and inner conflict.

Not from the idea of not having to listen to yourself, let-
ting others decide what to feel, think and want.

I dare to say and ask what I want.

To be able to convert my feeling and desire into an ex-
pression (yes, no, not yet, this non-, if not, will, will-not-
,-that-way, under-that-condition,. ..- feel).

I know how to express myself originally in a direct and
spontaneous way, not saved or restrained.

I feel comfortable with my personal experience, which I
believe to be right, so that I can express it in an open,
non-offensive way.

I know how to speak to the other person for myself and
for my expectations without contact-restraint.

In conversation, I know to ask for attention and to ask for
an 'account-with-'.

What you have to say, you express with conviction.

I dare to ask attention for myself and talk about myself
in conversation.

Connect and maintain in conversation with yourself and
with the other person.

Do not show too much restraint in conversation about
yourself and your feelings.

To talk to the other person with a positive and good
sense of self.

Consider whether you want to make your own views,
feelings, needs, plans or expectations dependent on or
subordinate to the other person, or want to come into
your own right with the other person.

For the satisfaction of your needs, make you lesser de-
pendent on the other person, by getting to know them
better in (conversation) interaction and choosing to
stand up for it yourself.

Getting to know yourself better and the reality around
you, to come to an optimal choice for you with more
(self)confidence.

I can speak enough in the 'I' form.

I know to (re)act in a timely, specific and focused way, to
prevent resistance and to use less power.

You know to express your appreciation or annoyance
about the other person.

Show your appealing or appealing-restraint attitude and
feelings towards the other person.

Do not let yourself be bothered or disturbed in conver-
sation  by  self-summoned  and  maintained  physical
(unrest,  sweating,  ...),  psychic  (self-doubt,  fear,  ...)  and
social  tensions  (acceptance,  inferiority,  ...),  by  not  fixa-
ting you, not to seek confirmation, not to declare taboo
for yourself and not to want to suppress it.

You follow your own feelings, ideas, thoughts, me-
mories, desires and actions with your attention and use
those that help you achieve something.

The way you talk and interact with yourself, what you
think of yourself and what you feel for yourself, radiate
outwards.

So approaching yourself positively and treating you that
it reflects on the other person.

In conversation experience yourself and the other per-
son as very special, personal and unusual.

In conversation, assume that it is not only what you give
to the other person or get from the other person (for at-
tention) that makes you valuable.

Letting go of the unbalanced idea that you only mean so-
mething to the extent that you make the other(s) happy.

Not saying the opposite of what I mean from self-doubt
or to be accepted or positive.

In wanting to give attention to yourself, not being stuck
in non-helping ways of expression, but chosing for more
effective  expressions:  (from  being  kind  is  always
agreeing,  to  indicating  how  to  what  extent  something
can be; from being helpful as forgetting yourself to how
you  want  to  help;  from  expressing  criticism  as  what  is
negative, to what you would like differently; ...).

Do not choose negative thoughts that generate negative
feelings (fear, insecurity, anger, ...), resulting in weak or
collapsing behavior.

Leave a feeling or a characteristic in yourself or enable
another that can be helpful or offer protection.

I do not compare myself in a negative way with the other
person (more, better, faster, ...).

From the eyes of the other person I do not negatively
compare myself with the other person (less, worse, slo-
wer, ...).

To find a sense of security in yourself.

I stand on my own, which means for me a sufficient de-
gree of independence, individuality, support, respect,
appreciation and future objective.

Feeling responsible for yourself.

Motivate yourself to organize your life yourself.

To assign yourself a place in the relation to the other(s)
(equal, partner, friend, ... fascinating, appealing, inte-
resting, ...).

Not being so concerned with the negative reaction of the
other or with the other that you dare not to say what you
think, feel and want.

Check whether you are inconvenienced by an excess of
fear (to lose) or a lack of courage (win).

In conversation I give attention not to let me too easy,
too much or too often do, influence or convince myself.

Doing attempts to persuade the other person and not
give up in advance or too quickly.

Making connection with neglected or hidden parts of
yourself and bring them out.

Leaving behind inaccurate ideas about yourself that you
have spoken to yourself as an apology to avoid un-
pleasant and difficult situations.

Leaving behind inaccurate ideas about yourself that
others gave you to stimulate you or reduce your re-
silience.

Creating a mental space for yourself and your actions
(knowing, being able, daring, allowing, willing, being,

... something and not having to know, being able, daring,
allowing, willing, being, ...everything).

Not imagining or experiencing too much distance bet-
ween yourself and the other person in order to be able
to clarify in conversation, convince the other person, not
surrender yourself too much and be able to maintain the
desired safe distance, and give yourself a valid chance to
at least to come to self-expression, a certain understan-
ding or a rapprochement.

If I have changed my mind, I can tell the other person.

What you know, want, feel, can and do letting follow the
same step.

I dedicate my expressive expression to what I want to
achieve with it.

Not expressing your compliance, indulgence, docility,
submissiveness, passiveness (subassertivity) in advance.

Knowing your own domain and helping the other person
to recognize it.

Finding to know your own domain and letting the other
accept it and take it into account.

I discuss the other person's expectations with me in a
sharply way.

I focus my willingness towards the other person in con-
versation.

I clearly and expressively indicate my limits to the other
person.

I expressively indicate the way in which I wish the others
deal with me.

I can resist the other in a conversation.

If the other person asks me something, I know, if I wish,
to ask for an explanation to determine my answer.

Choose for yourself what you want to bring to the fore-
ground and what you want to bring to the background in
yourself and in your (conversation) interaction.

Take into account that you do not be more against your-
self (know, can, may, dare, do not want) than against the
other person.

Rather than running after yourself with consistently
disappointing ratings, prefer to lead the way with posi-
tive expectations.

I know how to take the initiative to express myself rather
than to adopt a passive or wait-and-see attitude.

Allow yourself space to enjoy the (conversation) situa-
tion and to think how and what you can contribute to a
pleasant interaction.

I ask the other person what he/she likes to talk about or
do and in what way, I then choose something that I also
like and put the other vividly and concretely for what to
do together and ask the other person finally to partici-
pate.

I can express complaints in a conversation and engage in
a confrontation with the other person.

I don't let myself get out of my lead during a conversa-
tion.

I transfer something of myself to the other person.

I do not suggest, but react and react in time.

In a conversation I remain very confident.

As preferable leave it to the other to be emotional (an-
xious, excited, annoyed, bored, angry, ...).

In conversation, I do

n’t abandon myself or turn against

myself.

Having sufficient self-esteem to always be able to fall
back on yourself in difficult (conversation) cir-
cumstances.

If your perception, experience, thinking, feeling, needs,
imagination, bodyfeeling go in the same direction
(keeping safety, expressing yourself, being aware of
yourself, defending yourself, ...), then this will also be au-
dible, visible and tangible to the other.

With confidence, I occupy my body fully and express my-
self easily and clearly.

With my body expression I confirm and support what I
express with words.

In conversation you are not only occupied with yourself
and how you come across to the other person, but also
have enough attention to focus on the other person and
how it comes to you.

Do not only listen to the other person in conversation
and do not only talk to the other person and listen too
little to yourself and talk too little to yourself.

So preferable you move your own attention and thinking
focus from yourself to your action, or to the action of the
other person, or to the other person without having to
compare.

In a conversation I look at the other person and let my-
self be looked to.

So preferably deliberately and slowly express you au-
dible in order to let your voice give shine on you.

So helpful keep your insecurity, doubt, fear, excitement
inside and come out with self-assured calmness.

By my trustful, crystal-clear expression, I invite the other
person to the same expression.

The way I position myself in space reflects my place that
I know to take in relation to my surroundings.

To  experience  it  positively  for  you  and  to  find  yourself
valuable  enough,  you  bring  the  other  person  into
something  that  spontaneously  he  did  not  consider  or
choose on its own.

To ask questions should not be tied to who you are and
what your relationship is, but to whom you want to be
and what relationship you want.

I dare to come out with enough power.

In how you make yourself heard, seen or felt there is no
exaggerated expressing of uncertainty, hesitation, weak-
ness, shutting down, hiding, numbness, lack of meaning,
stopping needlessness.

Be careful that a too extreme presentation in one way or
another can reduce the hidden power, quality and indi-
viduality.

I express myself concisely in the matter.

Pretending to say and act where you still have to grow
up to, as with respect for the other person and yourself
expressing something and standing up for something.

In expressing myself and standing up for myself, I prefer
not to keep me from communicating, if the other person
does not want to listen, is hostile to me, criticizes me,
finds me unreasonable or ridiculous, constantly discou-
rages me or interrupts me, gets annoyed or out of ba-
lance.

I clearly indicate the obstacles and interruptions that the
other person brings about during a (conversation) inte-
raction.

I reconfirm my relationship to the other person in a po-
sitive way and then share with which concrete I have
which specific problem.

If I do not want to comment on something in a conver-
sation at the moment, I indicate this.

Showing sufficient self-confidence by daring to express
and formulate remarkable insecurity, doubt, fear, excite-
ment.

What you express does not represent a form of weak-
ness, but a way to become stronger (I know, dare, can,
... not, but I want or would like to know, dare, can ...).

Be aware that fear of saying or doing fades away by say-
ing or doing it.

Before, during or immediately after a conversation I do
not feel nauseous or sick.

I dare to leave my territory in conversation.

Through the content of the communication I can ques-
tion and change my actions without doubting my-
self.

Talking or reacting is not equal to losses for me.

To me, talking or reacting is equal to winning.

I know how to give and receive positive appreciation in
(conversation) interaction.

I do not adjust my message to the reaction I expect from
the other person.

I do not deny or do not simply cancel what I just expres-
sed.

I show that I mean it.

I can go against and with the other person's concerns
and criticisms.

In a conversation I can admit unevenly on the basis of
realities.

In a conversation I do not feel like I'm losing.

If it threatens to conflict, I will not shy away from this.

In a (conversation) interaction I only admit what I will ac-
tually be able to fulfill.

If the other person appeals to me in a way that does not
lie with me, I respond to this.

If I feel attacked or hurt, I can tell the other person.

When I want to convince the other person in a conver-
sation, I put enough power behind what I say.

I don't give up immediately or give in on some resistance.

In a conversation I do

n’t admit because of pressure.

I do

n’t give in to the unreasonableness of the other per-

son.

I enter into a (conversation) interaction with a lot of con-
fidence.

Feeling good, safe and dignified in (conversation) con-
tact helps me to come out for myself.

In (conversation) contact I strive for greater self-awa-
reness and self-reliance.

I don't equate standing up with wanting to dominate.

I can set myself open and be vulnerable in a confidential
situation.

I can immediately indicate a refusal of a request in a di-
rect and simple way with a short 'no' initial answer.

I can recognize that my fear of saying no comes mainly
from unjustified catastrophic thoughts and images (hurt
and repulse the other, make myself unsympathetic and
isolate myself, ...).

If I don't want to respond to something or refuse some-
thing, I say 'no' immediately after the other person has
formulated his question or proposal, while I shorten my
acknowledgment or appreciation and gratitude for the
proposal (no, thank you! no, that's great about the pro-
posal!

I can regard my negative reaction as an informative
event in which the position of the other person and his
question and the position of myself and my answer are
clearly clarified (I know that you think or feel this and

that you would like to, I feel and think differently and
can't or won't go into what you want, ...).

If desired, I can motivate a refusal with valid reasons or
as my own choice, without further explanation; I avoid
using weak reasons or excuses that provoke counter-ar-
gumentation and refutation.

I prefer to indicate that I do not want something rather
than that I cannot do something, in order to prevent at-
tempts to convince myself of my ability or the possibility
of it.

I indicate a short no-answer at the behavioral level, star-
ting with 'no, I ...' and the verb used in the question (no,
I am not going; no, I am not buying; ...) and with further
questions. I supplement this with 'because I ...' and the
same verb (because I don't go, ...).

If I don't want to respond to a question or comment from
the other person, I just listen without answering or reac-
ting.

If a refusal can come across as very antisocial or is diffi-
cult within my friendly relationship (not helping, not pay-
ing attention to, not taking into account, not responding
to, not using my possibilities, no effort for, hurtful to, ...)
I press my regret not being able to help in the requested
manner this time. If necessary, I indicate that I want to
help in a different way or make a better proposal that

suits me more and if necessary I ask how the other per-
son thinks I can help differently, and I ask about the con-
crete reason, circumstances, context or background of
his request what I can help for (practical, advice,...) or I
look together who could help and whether there is no
other solution.

If I'm afraid by refusing to hurt the other, I separate my
refusal from the intention to hurt the other (I don't want
to offend you at all, not harm you at all, not ignore you
at all, there's nothing personally, ...; you must not take it
as, do not think that you, ...; I can fully understand you, I
follow you without question, I believe you completely,
...; would you mind, can you accept it (from me), won't
you blame me, ...).

If I am afraid to refuse, I use the description of my per-
sonal situation as an explanation so that the other per-
son does not look for the origin in himself or your rela-
tionship (it does not suit me, it asks too much of me, I
have no experience with it, I'm afraid of it, I'm not going
to start it, I'm not able, I can't do it now, I can't do it, I
see no possibility, I can't combine it, ...) and I show my
willingness should my situation look different (willing if it
suits  me,  I  would  if  it  doesn't  ask  too  much  of  me,  if  I
would have experience, if I wouldn't be afraid of  it, if I
could , if it was possible for me, I would succeed, I can
combine it, ...).

If I am afraid to refuse to create a negative impression
about myself and to hurt myself, I indicate my attitude
and commitment to the general, the what as a principle
and rule, and I indicate my refusal to the particular, the
how as proposal and exception (normally yes, not now;
otherwise yes, if not; I want to belong, once I have to re-
nounce; ...).

If I am afraid to refuse due to the consequences for my
further  relationship  (being  rejected,  loss  of  the  other,
tensions, distance, being less liked, ...) I express my fear
of this, and I indicate hoping this wouldn't happen, while
expressing  my  relationship  desire,  I  indicate  that  I  will
take  the  risk  anyway  and  indicate  the  importance  of
speaking out or (re)acting in order to keep my relations-
hip clear and pure.

If I can't respond to something, I give the feeling for the
other person, and the difficulty for me and I give my pro-
posal for the other (what a pity or bad for you, I can't or
don't know now, shall we at another time.. .).

I try to avoid having to refuse something by sensing the
evolution of a situation in time and being ahead of the
other: I tell my willingness, my attitude, my availability,
my reaction, ... in advance, or I will not respond to some-
thing and change the subject if possible, or I will distance
myself from the situation or leave it in time.

How to keep
the

balans positive?

Something can go wrong, something can go along, some-
thing can contribute. It can be realized or is already rea-
lized, it can already be learned and acquired. It can offer
firmness. It  can  form  a  buffer. It  can  hold  a  reserve. It
can offer protection.

Something  can  disappoint,  something  can  counteract,
something  can  not  bear. It  may  be  absent  or  not  yet
okay,  it  can  not  yet  be  learned  and  acquired. It can in-
volve  weakness. It  can  pose  a  danger. It  can  form  a
gap. It can involve risk.

You can count on some things. Not on others.

How does the parent tilt the balance favorably?

WHAT LIVES :

MENTALITY

WHAT IS :

REALITY

WHAT HAPPENS :

ACTUALITY

RISK

PROTECTION

The more protection can be offered or found, the more
solidity, reserve and the larger the buffer.

The less risk can be taken or encountered, the less weak-
ness, danger and the smaller the gap.

You do not have much control. It's just like that.  You do
have  a  lot  of  control. It  is  how  you  think  and  how  you
want something. It is how you arrange and organize so-
mething. It is how you do something and deal with so-
mething.

The basic rule can be used here : whatever escapes you,
you can try to take care of what you do have, so that the
balance remains positive.  That the risks that are there
remain  relatively  smaller  than  the  protection  you  are
looking for and can find.

In this way, sufficient strength, reserve can remain or can
be found and a buffer can be provided.

Especially in times and in situations where there are fe-
wer problems, work can be done to provide more secu-
rity. There  is  more  time  and  space  for  this  and  people
usually  are  more  interested. What  is  possibly  missing,
however, is to grasp the importance and meaning of this.
There is yet no immediate need for it.

Because of the positive spiral in which you end up, there
is  more  chance  and  opportunity  to  develop  more
strength,  for  more  growth,  for  more strength. This  can
be  expressed  in  the  physical  field,  mentally  and  so-
cially. You and your child can have a better physical con-
dition, greater mental well-being and better social inte-
gration in a larger circle.

At times and in situations where things go less well, the
risk increases. There is less time and less space for buil-
ding up and the desire is largely missing. At such a mo-
ment, the necessity and usefulness of more safety is felt
most strongly. There is then most immediate need.

Because of the negative spiral in which you end up, there
is more chance and opportunity for the loss of more po-
wer, for relapse, for more weakness. This can manifest
itself physically, mentally and socially. Yourself and your
child will then easily suffer under a less favorable physi-
cal condition, under a reduced mental well-being and a
more limited social integration and in a smaller circle.

By coming to a situation with a positive spiral for a longer
period of time, a longer time can be avoided with a ne-
gative  spiral. The  positive  spiral  avoids  ending  up  in  a
tense situation. The absence of a negative spiral allows
for more lasting relaxation.

Within a positive spiral there are experiences of confir-
mation, of self-esteem, of a positive self-image, of self-
confidence that bring greater resilience.

Within a negative spiral, there are experiences of discou-
ragement,  a  low  sense  of  self-esteem,  a  negative  self-
image, a lack of self-confidence that show a greater vul-
nerability.

The presence of what offers protection reduces the in-
fluence of what constitutes risk.  It can also change the
way of a response to what involves risk. The resilience is
greater.

In  concrete  terms,  it  is  possible  to  eliminate  or  reduce
risk, or what constitutes risk to form its protective coun-
terpart, or add some protection and prevent what cons-
titutes  protection  is  transformed  into  its  risky  counter-
part.

This way an experienced injustice can be removed, or re-
duced as much as possible, and instead of the injustice,
it is possible to allow as much right as possible, to streng-
then the right and to avoid being slipped to injustice.

Removing  or  deconstructing  an  element  and  inserting
another element in its place and letting it come into its
own strength can act as a lever or catalyst to also reduce

WHAT LIVES :

MENTALITY

WHAT IS :

REALITY

WHAT HAPPENS :

ACTUALITY

RISK

PROTECTION

RISK

Place each of the elements below in one of the six provided boxes.
There are three risk elements, also called risk factors.
There are three protective elements, also called protective factors.

We’ll make it right again.

Seeing violence in the environment.

Few alternatives for using violence.

Talk in time.

Hate violence.

You can talk to us.

We can’t stand injustice.

don’t help you.

I have few options.

We find you too busy.

No aversion of violence.

Violence in environment exceptional.

100

WHAT LIVES :

MENTALITY

WHAT IS :

REALITY

WHAT HAPPENS :

ACTUALITY

WHAT LIVES :

MENTALITY

WHAT HAPPENS :

ACTUALITY

WHAT IS :

REALITY

RISK

PROTECTION

Violence in environment exceptional.

No aversion of violence.

We find you too busy.

We don’t help you.

I have few options.

We can’t stand injustice.

You can talk to us.

We’ll make it right again.

Hate violence.

Few alternatives for using violence.

Talk in time.

Seeing violence in the environment.

101

Pro-active
development

guidance

As  a  parent,  you  are  often  inclined  to  respond  to  your
child in an encouraging or discouraging way. You want to
encourage certain behaviors, so that your child could use
them  easier  or  more  frequent. Or  you  want  to  discou-
rage certain behavior, so that they would occur less ea-
sily or less frequently and that they finally no longer oc-
cur at the end.

In a lot of educational work, upbringing is often largely
reduced  to  this.   Rewards  and  punishments  are  called
the pedagogical tools par excellence for the parents. Al-
though both can be very useful in education, they both
belong to the reactive type of development guidance.

Parenting is more than rewarding or punishing.

You can also proactively offer something as a parent

to which your child can respond favorably.

102

It  is  good  to  know  that  they  are  not  the  only  tools  for
parents. That there are a whole range of other pedago-
gical approaches in dealing with your child. Approaches
that belong to the proactive type. These tools offer the
advantage  that  your  actions  as  a  parent  do  not  follow
what your child does or says first. So that the chance is
smaller that you have to adjust something. As a parent
you first do or say something, something that the child
responds to. The intention is that through your actions
or  expression  you  create  a  favorable  situation  for  the
child on which it can respond favorably. A situation that
is also adapted to the child.   The chance that you will be
faced with a surprise to which you have to respond in a
decisive way will be reduced. Your input will increase the
chances  of  your child responding  appropriately  so  that
you can respond to it in an encouraging way. By acting
proactively, you increase the chances of a rewarding and
affirmative re-active act. This is nicely included. This way
your child can react more positively to you and the child
will appear more positively. You too can remain in a po-
sitive role, so that you can also act more favorably. Be-
cause of the positive atmosphere in which you end up,
this can also have a positive effect on your mutual rela-
tionship, so that it also appears more favorable :  there
is a better bond and it is more satisfying.  Because of your
pro-activity, your child isn

’t yet come to reactivity, such

as closing himself of, resistance or struglle, and is still re-
ceptive to your approach. If reactivity is already noti-
ceable in your child, your proactive action can bring the

106

O v e r v i e w proactive approaches

O r i e n t a t i o n c e n t e r e d

Functional approach

E x p r e s s i o n c e n t e r e d

P e r s o n c e n t e r e d

Informative approach

Collaborative approach

Parentfriendly approach

Listening approach

Childfriendly approach

Indirect approach

Direct approach

Intentional approach

Advising approach

Directive approach

Communicative approach

107

T o o l c e n t e r e d

E n v i r o n m e n t c e n t e r e d

I n t e r a c t i o n c e n t e r e d

Authority-dosed
approach

Experience-limiting
approach

Experience-giving
approach

Acting approach

Behavior

interactive

approach

Resource approach

Behavioral approach

Reality approach

Structural approach

Situation approach

Supporting approach

Motivational approach

108

N e e d c e n t e r e d

C o n t e x t c e n t e r e d

F o c u s c e n t e r e d

Personal approach

Territorium approach

Referential approach

Contact approach

Life safety approach

Attachment approach

Behavioral realization
approach

Person

realization

approach

Optimization approach

Responsive approach

Monitoring approach

Reflective approach

109

Limiters
Who or what
stops me ?

As a young person, you can be put for the difficult task
how  to  stop  yourself.   It  requires  a  sufficient  dyna-
mic. The  ability  to  have  a  sufficient  power  that  comes
from one or other power source. What can that power
be and who the power source?

You do not always want to stop yourself, but want the
environment to stop you. It is then the environment that
is looking for a sufficient force from a power source that
can stop you or stop you doing something. That power
and power source must then be acceptable to you.  This
can be particularly difficult, because you are looking for
something and want to start something that the environ-
ment wants you to stop early with.

As a young person you can stand for the task of slo-
wing down and limiting yourself.

YOUTH THEME

P O W E

S O U

R C E

110

But  you  can  not  blindly  explore. Even  then  you  place
stops or stops can be placed that you know to limit.

To know who and what stops you, you can pay attention
to your own actions lately and see who and what limits
this. Write  down  below  three  examples  of  situations
where boundaries have appeared. Indicate for each who
defined and what made it possible.

situation           who as a limiter             what as a limiter
1.

2.

3.

What do you perceive ?
Did you put adults and government in front? Do you no-
tice  that  you slow  yourself  down  or  not?  Do  you  think
that adults and authority figures should take care of that
and  think  about  it?   Are  you  going  through  with
something until adults tell you that you can not and you
have to stop?  Do you think you should not think about
something yourself?   Is there no room here for your fee-
ling?   Have  you  never  learned  it?   Have  you  possibly
canceled  it  because  it  did  not  count  how  you  thought
about something and what you felt about it?

111

What did you discover about yourself?
You  placed  yourself  and  your  thinking  in  front.  Do  you
experience  that  you  easily  and  often  slow  down?   Do
you  think  that  you  yourself  and  how  you  think  about
something should be responsible for that?   You do not
just go ahead, but only after you have set the green light
yourself and stop as soon as you have turned the light to
red  yourself ?   Do  you  think  you  should  consider  for
yourself how you think about something and what you
feel about something?   Or have you previously thought
about things based on your developed feeling?  So that
you can bring what you do into agreement with that thin-
king and feeling. Have you ever learned it and continue
to  grow  because  it  offers  you  a  directional  beacon  for
what, how and what not to do for you?

Where do you find your friends and the reality?
You put your friends and the reality in front. Do you ex-
perience that you slow down your pace when the reality
and friends as belonging to that reality move you?   Do
you think that only the (social) reality can stop you?   If
you can not do otherwise and your peers expect it from
you. Do you think you should only look at whether some-
thing can and should not pay so much attention to what
is  imposed  on  you  or  what  you  expect  from  your-
self?   Do you need this less?   Were you only taught to
pay attention to the actual situation and not to expecta-
tions and opinions?

112

Michiel  (16):  "I  can  sometimes  have  a  hard  time  when
adults tell me what to do and especially what I should not
do.  They then have such a sense of what they all know
better,  they  talk  from  experience.  You,  you  have  not
thought  about  it  yet  and  you  do  not  know  what you're
talking about, I used to think: just tell me, then I do not
have to think about it myself. But today it's a little diffe-
rent.  I  think  myself  about  what  I  want  and  find  myself
okay,  but  they  certainly  do  not  encourage  me,  so  they
serve  me  all  as  certainties,  so  I  never  learn to  have  my
own opinion. My friends sometimes tell me that I do not
have to think about anything, just do what they expect

REALI

YSE

ADU

LTS

FRI

AUTHO

RITY

GHTS

Place the power sources in order in which theY limit you. Place what you
most limited in front.

113

from you, so that's the least you suffer, apparently they
are not encouraged to think about anything either."

Sofie (17): "At a party I can keep on dancing until I drop,
there is no one who tells me anything and you want to
join in. I sometimes get stitches and suffer from shortness
of breath. I just try not to pay attention to it.  If I dare to
say something about it to my mother, she warns me that
if I am not paying attention I might get serious problems.
Fortunately in my circle of friends there is someone who
gets  it  also  sometimes  on  her  breath.    I can  talk to  her
about this, she is the only one who understands me "

Jenne  (15):  "If  something  has  to  be  done,  then  it  must
also  of  myself,  I  can  sometimes  be  really  principled  to-
wards myself, sometimes I pay too much attention to my
diet, but I am like that. I make no exception for myself.
Good  is  not  good  enough  for  me.  My  mum  sometimes
says  that  I  am  perfectionist.  I  sometimes  tell  her  that  I
have learned it from her. My friends sometimes try to se-
duce me to something. I just tell them that I do not parti-
cipate in this, even though this is not always easy.  Other-
wise I would feel very tense and uncomfortable.  Someti-
mes I would want to be a bit milder for myself, but then
those principles will come back to me. I just can not stand
it,  it  is  so  and  not  different,  even  if  I  want  something
else

.”

114

Indicate the most used power source in the oval below.

Then  enter  in  each  of  the  four  boxes  what  the  power
source can be to your best to influence and limit you:
. what
. what not
. how
. how not
Put  a  =  sign  in  front  of  your  statements  if  this  already
happens
Put a + sign in front of your statements if you think that
priority can be given to this.

WHAT :

WHAT NOT :

HOW :

HOW NOT :

WER

115

Young people have automatically learned to take into ac-
count what adults expect from them. Adults have lear-
ned  that  young  people  often  can  not  limit  themselves
and  adults  have  to  impose  structure  and  limits  on
them. They want that young people should do like other
young people and they then impose the same expectati-
ons and norms on all young people. How the reality is,
then counts less. It is the formulated principles and rules
that must be met.   A personal feeling and opinion is less
useful in that context, because it is expected to depend
on what adults expect and expect from them.

The  more  young  people  then  abandon  from  looking  at
reality themselves and what is possible and what is not
and the more young people neglect to feel for themsel-
ves how something is possible and to think whether it is
possible  or  not,  the  more  adults  experience  that  they
have to use structure and rules.  Adults often try to im-
press  their  principles  and  norms  on  young  people. The
hope then is that young people will remember them at
the right moment in a concrete situation.

Perhaps, in order to give young people more possibilities
to  control  and  limit  their  behavior  themselves,  they
should gradually be taught to perceive situations them-
selves, to feel for themselves, to think for themselves, to
choose for themselves. So they can not only rely on their
memories and the model of peers. It is then not so much

116

something from the outside that limits them, but some-
thing that is driven from within.

Perhaps there is still a whole task here, now that the out-
side world is experiencing loss of authority. Teach young
people how to acquire authority over themselves. Tea-
ching  young  people  to  experience  for  themselves  how
their  environment  experiences  their  actions,  now  that
the environment has to reduce the power of its laws and
does not know how to convey their experience expressi-
vely.   The assignment is not so much to use rules from
outside to exercise external control, but to convey stan-
dards that young people want to keep themselves in, so
that internal control becomes possible. As an adult you
can then hold up a mirror to them, to what extent they
already meet their own standards. You can thus indicate
their progression and indicate the direction to continue
evolving. As an adult you point out for them at what they
want to keep themselves.

You can further teach young people to make their own
choices,  young  people  who  are  increasingly  guided  by
peers  through the  reduction  of  authority. The peers  to
whom they mirror themselves and who they want to re-
semble, form the norm to be like them, which also opens
up perspective for them and assurance not to be exclu-
ded.

117

In this way, young people can be taught to focus more
on their own needs, on what they are at a certain mo-
ment and not to get carried away by group members or
to  limit  themselves  only  when  adults  know  how  to  im-
pose this.  Young people can then learn how to deal with
those  needs  more  from  their  own  thinking  and  fee-
ling. Without making themselves a victim of compelling
thinking, of threatening feelings or of their needs. Adults
can be a model for this and help young people to find out
for themselves what opportunities they offer and is use-
ful and helpful for them.

Young people can also discover that it is easier to stick to
something if it is agreed together, so that they can think,
choose  and  decide  together  what  to  do  or  not.  This
sense of being listened to and participation can have a
very stimulating effect on how to deal with something.
This way a joint commitment can arise. This from their
own choice who or what they want to follow as a young
person. In their own thinking they are behind that indivi-
dual and joint choice and decision.

Tom (14): "My friends try to drag me with them, I

don’t

know a lot about what I want, I pay little attention to it, I
do not have a look at it, I'm more interested in the other
guys, what they want, that's what me too, especially ol-
der young people are attracting to us, we simply follow
them, even though I sometimes feel uncomfortable with

118

them.  It's all new and strange.  The only thing I fear is
that my parents or a teacher will come after it"

Freya (15): "Sometimes I'm afraid of what I do not know,
I sometimes think it's better not to join in. But then they
just laugh at you, you better not feel anything and do not
think at all, just get involved and wanting not too much
standing out with what you think and you feel, let alone
with what you will.  Yet something in me protests, but I
dare not go into it too much, unless others support me.
Maybe I should show something more of myself than I do
not have to do things that I do not feel like."

Lisa (16): "I'm just away from home, making time to en-
joy things, if you're in the mood. No excess, only getting
the hang of it." Together with others if it

’s possible. I just

don’t let myself be put under pressure, I do not like that
at all: doing what I feel good about and what I want, is
really in me -   I think I have this from home. I do not put
pressure on other people, on the contrary, I find it easy to
resist  when  someone  is  put  under  pressure.    Everyone
must be given the space to follow their own opinions, fee-
lings  and  choices. And  not  just  having  to  run  after
friends."

119

From control cul-
ture to influencing
culture

Parents  are  increasingly  experiencing  tensions  in  their
task  as  educators. The  upbringing  they  received  them-
selves  is  no  longer  useful  in  the  contemporary  context
and  within  the  contemporary  culture  of  interaction. At
the same time, they experience that their child asks for
an appropriate contribution and a share from their side
as a parent. How to make this happen in the current con-
text is their question.

It can help to clarify this context and at the same time
indicate which behavioral culture fits in and provides re-
sults.

What remains of the context in which I was raised?

In what context do I place the education that I give
my child?

120

Parents intuitively feel that a compelling and demanding
attitude is not the right way, even though an obligatory
response will occasionally prove to be the exception. A
more positive and constructive attitude - away from the
escalation  of  resistance  and  flight  of  the  child  -  should
offer  more  prospects  for  cooperation  and  proximity. If
not, there is a risk of mutually compelling, opposing and
disposing,  with  the  threat  of  violence  and  its  develop-
ment in the longer term.

If in this way parents do not always immediately get what
they want from their child, it can be established that this
will  allow  favorable  developments  in  due  course.
Through a different way of exercising authority and in-
teraction with their child, chances are offered for deve-
lopment, which are only possible in this context.

Have influence and give influence
Increasingly,  society  is  asking  the  question  how  to  in-
fluence each other. One finds that the other is less wil-
ling to listen just like that, let alone just go into it or to
take into account what is being proposed or expected.

From  that  perceived  powerlessness  is  then  sought  for
means  to  yet  still  have  influence,  or  to  acquire  them
back. Often one seeks refuge in old recipes that are re-
called, in tightening the existing approach, or looking for
alternatives.  For example, by engaging others, prefera-
bly others that are hoped to help in some way.

121

It is then assumed that something is lost and that this has
to  be  recovered. Possibly  the  other  person  has  taken
over something that you want back. It is then presented
as  if  only  someone  can  always  have  it,  Initially  you  are
the other person, and therefore it comes down to regai-
ning its part. The origin of this problem, sometimes out
of  despair,  is  explained  to  the  other  person  and,  as  it
were, is expected to be solved by that side. It is then so-
metimes expected that he would give back the influence
of its own will and would encourage group members to
do so.

Influence, however, is not something that exists in a cer-
tain amount, that you can equate with having a say and
that you can win by appropriating it. Influence is some-
thing that expresses itself in quality, that you can equate
with the giving and that you can win by leasing it. One of
the things that can be thought of here is the distinction
between power and leadership.

Create conditions for self-regulation
Each of us has an inexhaustible source of energy, dyna-
mism,  aptitude,  approachability,  growth  and  creati-
vity. Everyone wants to be big and strong. Nobody wants
a feeling of helplessness, uselessness or futility. To know
how  to  speak  to  this  source  and  to  stimulate  that  you
acquire influence. This by giving influence and providing
the necessary support and help so that the acquisition of

122

influence on itself and its environment continues to in-
crease. And not to remove any influence and motivation
already spontaneously present.

Research shows that where influence is given an opening
is created to shared consultation, shared understanding,
shared  objectives,  shared  agreements  and  shared  res-
ponsibility.  Often one is even prepared to pledge a part
of  his  influence  from  growing  trust  or  present
need. With good contact we come to a good co (n) act
or vice versa. In this way, one ultimately comes to a sha-
red influence.

Influence is not only about the influence of young people
towards adults or vice versa, but also about the influence
of  young  people  towards  themselves  and  influence  to-
wards each other or towards the group, or even of the
group  towards  group  members  or  towards  adults. The
more, lateral influence of one person towards another,
the more influence there is, rather than less.

To  have  development  requires  something  to  add. Ad-
ding information, skills, experience, chances, opportuni-
ties, possiblities, power, strength. Something is often ta-
ken away out of uncertainty or fear. So there is no dan-
ger, so  everything  stays the  old, so  everything  remains
clear,  so  the  relationship  remains  intact,  so  you  stay
on. For example, it is unfortunately not possible to prac-
tice with what one does not have and has not received.

124

Working together with
the broad environment
Importance of social network

. Research  shows  that young  people  need  informative
support,  emotionally  supported  appreciative  support
and concrete practical help from meaningful adults who
feel something for them. In particular, the emotional at-
mosphere  in  which  help  is  provided  is  perceived  by
young people as very valuable. As a person, they are con-
sidered  worthwhile. Someone  shows  genuine  interest
and concern for who they are.

. The number of people for whom a young person means
something  and  who  can  offer  him  or  her  informative
help, emotional help or practical help can be limited or
more extensive.

Do they help the young person who has to know some-
thing  about  which  he  is  not  sure  ?  Do  they  help  the

Parenting isn’t something you do on your own.

125

young person who needs to talk about his feelings ?   Do
they give the things the young person needs or wants, or
do they help him or her ?   Do they offer the young per-
son anything on a mental-informative level, socio-emo-
tionally, on a real-practical level ? Do they offer support
in real life or online?   What is the ratio of real life versus
online ?

. Also the regularity with which the informative, emotio-
nal and practical help is available, so young people want
to use it, and the quality of this help are important to feel
good and feel socially absorbed. Being able to use a so-
cial network can be an important support to be able to

It can be checked whether the youngster can, for ex-
ample,  count  on  his  or  her  mother,  father,  step-  or
plusparent,  brother,  sister,  grandmother,  grandfa-
ther, aunt, uncle, cousin, niece, other children, neigh-
bor, neighbor friend, neighbor girlfriend, club friend,
club  girlfriend,  shopkeeper,  cleaning  man  or  lady,
class teacher, teacher, school friend, school girlfriend,
classmate,  friend,  grilfriend,  buddy,  partner,  leading
person,  youth  service  or  organization,  service  or  or-
ganization  head,  older-person,  younger-person,
stranger,  companion,  confidant,  online  contacts  and
friends, chat opportunities, ...

126

cope  with  life  and  everything  that  the  youngster
faces. Tensions  and  problems  can  be  handled  better,
because one can count on others and one has the feeling
not to stand for it alone and one knows people who be-
lieve in him or her. People who love the younger person
and care about him or her. In short, letting the youngster
notice  not  to  stand  for  it  alone  and  not  to  stand  al-
one. Others are around the younger. Especially the per-
sonal  and  the  small  distance  are  very  meaningful
here. They hold more chances than the impersonal and
the greater distance from organized aid.

. On an emotionally supported informative level, a young
person  may  need  help  with  thinking  about  something,
when solving a problem or conflict, when talking about
feelings  and  clarifying  them,  when  sharing  pleasant  or
unpleasant  feelings,  when  exploring  something  new,
when  trying  to  tackle  something  differently  or  better,
when releasing something, when in doubt and insecure,
when looking for answers, when understanding and ex-
plaining  something,  when  planning  and  looking  ahead,
when to come to perspective and rest.

. On  an  emotionally  substantiated  appreciating  level,  a
young  person  may  need  help  with  getting  over  some-
thing when he is confronted with problems and possible
failure  and  loss,  when  he  feels  valued,  when he or she
needs support and someone who defends him or her, to
say nice things about the younger ones, to be happy for

127

him or her, to show interest, to pay attention, to listen,
to being there for the young person who has a hard time,
when to process something, to be able to share some-
thing with him or her, to be able to trust the youngster,
to what you mean to him or her, to give the feeling of
belonging, to show how the youngster is perceived and
liked by others.

. On a concrete practical level, a young person may, for
example, need help with certain tasks and assignments
for which it has been asked, to take part in the responsi-
bility for something for which the young person himself
or herself is not only able to temporarily take care of so-
mething.

. Especially the opposite that no help is offered, or that
others are against the youngster or offer opposition and
counter-work,  can  come  hard  and  isolate  a  youngster.
Others do not care about him or her,  so the youngster
can not go to them.   The young person is far away from

128

them,  they  can  not  accept  him  or  her,  they  do  not  lis-
ten. The  young  person  can  not  talk  to  them  or  ask  for
advice,  he  or  she  can  not  be  open  with  them  or  take
them into trust. They laugh at him or her or bother him
or her, they have no attention and no time, they do not
take  the  youngster  into  account  and  exclude  him  or
her. They  do  nothing  for  the  younger  person  and  give
him or her a bad feeling, the younger one can not count
on them. As a result, he or she risks missing a number of
development opportunities.

. Especially if a young person discovers not being able to
go  to  one  group,  he  will take  refuge  with  another
group. The group closest to life in the younger state will
usually give the easiest access. However, it is often the
group that can offer something emotionally, but that is
informally  and  practically  less  equipped  to  offer  this
help. It  is  then  a  missed  opportunity  for  those  other
groups. The  cause  will  then  often  be  not  being  suffi-
ciently accessible and being experienced to much as an
opponent and a threat. One is too little inclined to res-
pond  to  the  needs  of  the  young  person  and  wants  too
much because of the help offered to meet his own needs
or to confirm himself. In the end one does something too
much for himself, the perspective of himself then stands
in  the  foreground  and  prevents  the  perspective  of  the
youngster.

129

. A young person who finally determines that he can not
go  anywhere  can feel  bad  and  develop  a  negative  self-
image. There  is  a  risk  that  someone  will  actively  iso-
late himself or herself in order to avoid feeling rejected
and so will in vain resort to resources and a response, as
a hold and shelter, which must reduce the pain of loss
and what missing and fill a large gap.

. A young person who feels isolated or excluded, also be-
lieves  to  have  less  influence  and  not  be  able  to expect
help and support from people around him or her.  From
this helpless feeling there is more and more the call for
powerful means and solutions of groups and principles
from  outside. Those who  do  not feel  isolated  or  exclu-
ded, believe that they have influence and that they can
expect  help  and  support  from  people  around  them.
From this hopeful and confident feeling, more reserve is
created as opposed to interference and disruption from
outside.

. We can check and follow up to what extent who offers
what  support  to  the  youngster. And  so  certain  help  is
lacking and no one in a positive way is at present able to
do  so,  you  can  try  to  arrange  this  or  letting  arrange  it,
by referral,  so  that certain  persons  will  give  the  neces-
sary help that is lacking or inadequate.

. If this help can not be offered in the young person's na-
tural environment, it can be sought or made accessible,

131

Reward and pu-
nishment
About develop-
ment guidance

Parenting as well as guiding the development of a child
is perhaps more difficult today than ever. Many certain-
ties from the past disappear and the future is difficult to
predict.

Moreover,  parents  and  educators  have  become  more
aware  of  their  educational  task. They  certainly  do  not
want to make mistakes and perhaps provide better edu-
cation than they themselves had.

Parenting  is  often  equated  with  rewarding  and  punis-
hing, in other words encouraging favorable behavior and
discouraging  unfavorable  behavior  among  children  in
development.

You reward to encourage behavior.

How do you actually do this in practice?

132

As a parent or educator you try through your reaction to
learn a child something by rewarding it or to unlearn so-
mething by punishing it and not the other way around.

You let the child first try something and you react enthu-
siastically  so  that  it  would  be  repeated  more  often  or
more easily.

Or you react disappointed so that the behavior would be
repeated less frequently and less easily and would disap-
pear as quick as possible.

However, it can be taken into account that there are also
many opportunities in a proactive, rather than reactive
act.

Proactive  parenting  means  then,  for  example,  creating
development-friendly situations for your child, talking to
your  child  in  advance,  making  arrangements,  setting  a
model for your child, stimulating skills, developing one's
own strength, working in a connecting way,  and so on.
You can read more about this in the theme section 'Pro-
active development support' of this encyclopedia.

Parenting by means of rewarding and punishing is there-
fore becoming less and less evident. There are so many
other parenting ways available that are more supportive
and power-oriented.

133

But even if you choose a different parenting relationship,
your  reward  and  punishment  will  continue  to  play  un-
consciously. You will, for example, be happy with what
you want or prefer from your child. You will not express
happiness  for  what  you  do  not  want  or  do  not  prefer.
Perhaps it is better then if you consciously deal with re-
warding and punishing.

However,  not  every  reward  method  that  is  effective  is
also desirable. The necessary conditions are that it is ac-
companied by respect and recognition of the child in de-
velopment, that it takes place in dialogue with the child,
that the effect is sustainable and that it promotes the in-
dependence and self-direction of the child.

If you want to reward and punish, it is important to build
a good relationship with your child and create a develop-
mentally friendly and child-friendly climate.  This begins
in the first years of life by giving the child the opportunity
to attach safely.

If  the  distance  between  yourself  and  the  child  is  too
great, it will be difficult for you to identify with what is
going on with your child and the willingness of your child
to invollow may be slight. Educating is simply a two-way
process.  Your  contact  with  your  child  will  also  be  less
good,  so  that  he  or  she  experiences  less  safety.  This  is
especially  true  with  long-term  or  frequent  problems,
tensions  and  stress,  which  make  it  easier  to  become

134

angry, impatient or at risk of giving up and letting it run
its course. After all, parenting is a two-way process.

The  better  you  can  notice  the  needs  and  feelings  of  a
child, the better you can respond to it.

Every child needs well-being and feeling physically well,
safety and security, attention and love, appreciation and
individuality, growth space and a dose of autonomy. It is
important not to forget this when it comes to rewarding
and punishing.

It is useful to know that a child still has to learn just about
everything :  getting to know himself or herself and the
immediate  and  wider  world. This  requires  exercise
chances and stimulation and not in the first place limita-
tion and deceleration.

Now and then the child gets excited or out of control and
is then difficult to reach and approachable. Allowing time
to catch some breath and regain control over itself can
prevent you from reacting excessively.  This is also so for
your own excitement.  Maybe because you are missing
something and you do not know it anymore.

It  is  important  to  be  able  to  work  with  rewards and  to
make the most of the opportunities for this, rather than
waiting until it goes wrong and then having to intervene
in a punishing manner.

135

To pay attention to children when they get along well is
preferable, then intervene limiting when they go wrong.

It  may  be  thought  that  rewarding  is  not  only  material,
such as spending money, a drink or something tasty.
Children often find social reinforcements very pleasant :
an  admiring  glance,  smiling,  attention,  an  encouraging
word and a hug can do wonders.

The reward of a possible joint activity is also very popular
with children.

Do  not  wait  too  long  with  your  reward,  the  faster,  the
more  influence  and  then  it  is clear  to  the  child  what  is
rewarded.

Do not, however, purchase your child's behavior by offe-
ring a reward in prospect, your child may only do some-
thing on condition that it knows what it will be.

A  punishment  is  essentially  something  unpleasant. For
example, the absence of a reaction or result can be ex-
perienced as punitive, it is then spoken of ignoring if you
do not respond.

Spanking and even a tap can better belong to the past,
you also set the better tone and you will not let the child
want to do violence. That way you can be sure that you

136

has not given rise to violence.  Violence that mainly pro-
vokes resistance and resistance, violates someone's phy-
sical  integrity  and  is  not the  way  to  a  sustainable  solu-
tion.

For  example,  in  countries  where  spanking  or tapping  a
child  by  anyone  is  legally  prohibited,  violence  among
young people declines markedly. In countries where only
parents  are  allowed  to  tap  their  child  as  a  pedagogical
tick,  only  aggression  is  reduced  among  girls.    Recent
large-scale statistical research has also shown that child-
ren who were beaten at the age of 5 showed an increase
in behavioral problems at the age of 6 and also at the age
of  8  compared  with  children  who  were  never  beaten.
Hitting  a  child  was  linked  to  an  increase  in  behavioral
problems. It was not effective and made the behavior of
children worse.  This was also evident in families where
parents were otherwise loving and warm in dealing with
their child.

A  child  responds  to  hitting  with  a  greater  response  in
areas of the brain related to self-esteem and confidence,
The greater response is related to signals of threat from
the  environment.  This  increases  the  chance  of  develo-
ping anxiety, depression, behavioral problems and other
psychological  problems.  Spanking  appeared  to  affect
how  the  brain  develops,  similar  to  what  happens  with
more  pronounced  forms  of  violence.  Also  a  tap  turned

137

out to have a greater impact than expected on the brain
development of the child.

Pausing the child, denying it something, putting it out of
the  situation,  having  the  child  rebuild  and  temporarily
imposing a limitation are perhaps better choices.

Try  to  process  something  meaningful  in  your  sentence
and have something done as it should.

Beware of humiliating punishments and remarks, such as
laughing at. They can have far-reaching side effects.

Your child can become anxious and insecure by regular
use  and  develop  a  negative  self-image. Your  child  can
then respond anxiously from fear of punishment or from
disapproval.

But the child may also become or be insensitive to pu-
nishment,  because  it  dislikes  outcomes  that  arouse  its
aversion or reluctance and predictors of these aversive
outcomes, such as punishment. It then clings to the re-
presentation it prefers or desires.  It reacts negatively or
indifferently  to  punishment  or  the  prospect  of  punish-
ment, so that it does not learn from it.  This according to
a recent Australian study.

138

Tell  your  child  I  like  you,  but  I  do  not  like  you  to do  or
don’t  do  this  or  that. Your  attitude  is  then  positive  to-
wards the child and adjusting to the action.

It is better not to assume as usual negative or undesira-
ble behavior on the part of your child. Unfavorable be-
havior that you can counteract and unlearn with reward
if  it  is  not  there.  Or  that  you  can  counter  with  punish-
ment if this behavior continues. Rather, you can let it re-
volve around a generally positive or desired behavior of
your child as a starting point, which you confirm with re-
warding if it remains present and can punish if it disap-
pears.

Respond in a timely manner and do not just let your act-
ions depend on your child who is disappointing or does
disappointing things.

Do not forget that every situation brings with it an expe-
rience that can be rewarding or punitive in itself. Some-
thing works and the child is happy with it or something
fails and the child is unhappy about it.

Avoid  disturbing  this  naturally  disturbed  experience
through  your  intervention. The  child  is  no  longer
unhappy by your intervention - if possible unjustly expe-
rienced - or is thereby distracted from his original expe-
rience.

139

Also pay attention to how a child experiences something,
how does a child feel about it.

Keep in mind that an internal stimulator and motivator
from  your  child  is  preferable  to  an  external  stimulator
and motivator from outside of you as a parent. This way
the  child can control  itself  and  is  not  dependent  on  its
environment.
If your child finds an activity intrinsically satisfying, such
as with play activity, it is better to omit an extrinsic sti-
mulus. If not, the child threatens to do something only
for the sake of your external reward and the inner stimu-
lation disappears even if your reward is no longer recei-
ved afterwards. This is due to the overjustification effect.

Many educators assume that only they reward and pu-
nish. However, parents can often find that their child re-
wards them when they overlook something and, conver-
sely, punishes them or ignores them when they ask for
something.

Do not let yourself be rewarded  for not holding on so-
mething  or  punishing  for  your  holding  on  some-
thing. Make  this  clear  immediately. You  can,  of  course,
reward your child for something you can hold.

Parents are sometimes inclined to establish their autho-
rity  through  reward  and  punishment.  It  is  good  to  be

140

aware then that you do this more for yourself than for
your child.

Every child has multiple sides. On the way you deal with
your child depends much which side develops. Especially
young children are still very flexible in their attitude and
actions, in their personality development.

Children do not change and grow suddenly, but step by
step. Every rewarding experience can be a step in a de-
velopment-friendly direction.

Every  punishing  experience,  especially  if  it  happens  to
them  personally,  can  lead  to  a  defensive  and  repulsive
response. You then come out with your child to what you
just wanted to avoid, distant and self-centered.

It is important to be patient with the child, even if it does
not work out completely. Especially to prevent you from
discouraging and discouragingly react to your child that
does not meet your (high) expectations.

You can also pay attention to stay in balance yourself as
much as possible, by taking time and caring for yourself.
If not, there is a risk that you will reach  to punishment
more quickly.

Every child wants to become big and strong, just like his
parents to whom it mirrors. By showing yourself how it

142

In your reach !

As a young person you often meet situations where you
can do little, at least that is how these situations occur.
You discover that something can be up to you, but that
you can not do anything about it. For example, others do
not understand you, or they constantly misunderstand
you. You did not mean it like that, it's up to the language
you speak, learned at home. It's up to me, to my langu-
age, but I can not help it. It are the others who do not
understand it, or constantly misunderstand it.

You often feel powerless as a young person.

Is this always the case?

YOUTH THEME

143

Or you discover that it is not up to you at all. You can not
do  anything  about  it  then. For  example,  others  do  not
like someone who is not sporty. Even though I could do
something about it, which is not so certain, it depends
on the preference and interest of the environment. Just
bad luck!

Even though something is not up to you and even though
you can not do anything about it, you can try to perceive
it  for  yourself  as  within  your  sphere  of  influence. Even
though you are not responsible for the origin, even if you
are not responsible for the consequences, you can ima-
gine it to yourself as if not to undergo it. Not powerless
to face.

The least you can do is protect you from possible conse-
quences. It  is  better  to  formulate  actively  and  find  out
how you can deal with it, so that some effect becomes
possible.

This  way  you  can  search  for how  to  avoid  becoming  a
victim of something that is not up to you or that you can
not  change  anything  about. Searching  for  how  you  can
deal constructively with something that is not up to you
and that can not be changed in itself.

Find out what you can do about the consequences. How
you can avoid the negative consequences and be a victim
through your perception and your dealings.

144

That language of yours, for example, that you received
from home and that nobody really understands. Even if
you can not change it in itself, you can try to avoid the
consequences by dealing with it to others. This way you
could check with others, or in doubtful cases, whether
they have understood you completely. This way you can
immediately correct misunderstandings and avoid that
you would later be confronted with negative consequen-
ces.

That being not sporty of you. You can not really help that
you are not an athlete. Still, you might want to develop

It’s up to me

Can do so-

mething

It’s up to me

Can’t to anything

about

It’s not up to me

Can do something

about

It’s not up to me

Can’t do anything

about

145

some sporting activity. If you can not do this, you can al-
ways talk about sports and you can show some inte-
rest. Or at least do not allow any subdued disgust.

Look for an example of something that is up to you and
that you can not do anything about.

Then find out what you could do to reduce or eliminate
the consequences for you.

Doesn

’t it work. For example, imagine that you are afraid

of  something  that  has  frightened  you  before  and  of
which  you  will  no  longer  be  redeemed. You  could  tell
your surroundings about your fear, and immediately ask
them to take this into account.  Tell them that they could
help you a lot. Because of their understanding or support
you would be very helped and you could do something
about your situation.

Try it yourself.

Look for an example of something that is not up to you
and that you can do something about.

Then  find  out  what  you could  do  to  reduce  the  conse-
quences for you, or make them disappear.

Doesn

’t it work. For example, imagine that someone is

constantly making you angry, because he always tries to

146

make you wise something, or sometimes even acts diffe-
rently than agreed. You can then make it clear to him or
her that you do not want to be made wise something, or
do not wish to experience that something is different
than agreed. As soon as you notice something, you can
also remind the other person of what you do not want.

Try it yourself.

Look for an example of something that is not up to you
and that you can not do anything about.

Then find out what you could do to reduce the conse-
quences for you, or make them disappear.

Does

n’t it work. For example, imagine someone hurting

you. He  or  she  makes  you  clear  to  no  longer  feels
something  for  you. You  can  have  a  very  difficult  time
with  this. You  can  then  talk  about  this  with  whom  you
did  this  grief,  or  with  someone  you  can  trust. You  can
also  try  to  learn  from  this  yourself  :  that  not  everyone
loves  you  and  that  you  learn  to  live  with  this,  that  you
figure out why someone no longer cares about you and
what you can learn from this to avoid or reduce repeti-
tion.

Try it yourself.

147

Often  we  are  inclined  in  what  we  do  to  react  to  what
happened to us : something scared us, someone made
us angry, or sad. We will respond to this. Something or
someone formed the cause, our response is then the lo-
gical  consequence. The  encountered  cause  is  the  star-
ting point of our actions.

We can also make the starting point of our actions from
a self-intended goal. Our actions then form the means to
achieve  our  preconceived  goal. We  then  respond  to  a
self  chosen  goal. Finding  safety,  staying  calm,  knowing
how to deal with loss is then our starting point for our
response.

Through  the  chosen  goals,  we  experience  more  in-
fluence  and  have  a  grip  on  the  situation  and  the
course. It revolves around something we want, and not
around something that the environment wants or does
not want for us.

That way we are less vulnerable. In this way we remain
or become more resilient. It does not matter from what
we  want  to  go  away,  or  what  we  want  to  avoid,  but
where  do  we  want  to  go  or  what  do  we  want  to
reach. For  example,  we  are  looking  for  resources  and
means for what can help us, who or what can support us
to figure out what we have chosen ourselves.

149

Development of
meaning

Common and additional meanings
Simply put, we could say that in our head we deal with
duplicates of the surrounding realities. Call it copies, alt-
hough this word is not so well chosen. Only one side of
the double refers directly to reality, this is the common
side. For example, consider the term 'younger' that re-
fers to a person of small age. This is the common mea-
ning or reference value of the double.

The other sides of the double refer to what is called in
our heads when we deal with this double, these are the
individual sides. These are the for each of us our own

There is a lot to learn to discover meanings and to
gives meanings for yourself as a child.

Even harder is it to get to know meanings that count
for others.

150

connotations that spring up automatically and are often
different  for  each  of  us. Think of associations of 'youn-
ger'  with  being  playful,  with  being  dependent,  being
overconfident, and so on.  These associations refer to in-
formation that is stored in our heads, often arising from
previous contacts and experiences. They only refer indi-
rectly to surrounding realities.

This  means  that  when  communicating  alongside  the
common side of the double which is easy to communi-
cate, a great deal of time must be spent on the commu-
nication  of  the  individual  sides  of  the  double,  if  one
wants  to  get  exactly  the  same  wavelength. The  lack  of
this  often  leads  to  a  different  or  wrong  understan-
ding. Having  common  experiences  can  provide  a  basis
for  building  up  multiple  common  sides  of  the  doubles
that are used in a communicative way.

Cognitions and cognitive schem

a’s as linking

Such a meaning can be called a cognition. Because mea-
nings usually occur together, think of common and indi-
vidual meanings, one speaks of a cognitive sche-
ma. Where cognition is a unit of knowledge, a cognitive
schema is a knowledge package. Once the child has mas-
tered the language, cognition is associated with a name
that has often been taken over from the environment. A
concept is linked to a collection of cognitions as soon as
the child's memory and thinking ability allow it.

151

Cognitions  and  cognitive  schemas  allow  to  attribute
meaning to the child in the environment. What the child
perceives  activates  in  the  child  certain  cognitions  and
cognitive schemas that allow it to be identified as this or
that as a common meaning. Or what the child perceives
can cause the child to be awakened to that or that which
gives it that individual meaning to something. If the per-
son who meets the child is small in shape, the child will
activate the child or younger schema. If the person who
meets it is smaller than the child, then the schema baby
may be activated, to which he looks somewhat down.

Meanings mean that there are links between something
in the outside world and something in the inner world or
between  something  in  the  inner  world  and  something
else  in  the  inner  world. For  example,  the  link  between
the  child  in  the  outside  world  and  the  image  that  the
child has of a child or a younger, or the link between the
image of a child and being weak as a picture.

Semantic memory as a storage medium
It is the semantic memory that stores the defining cha-
racteristics and the characteristic features in the course
of the development of the child. It is also the semantic
memory that makes the defining and characteristic fea-
tures  available. The  determining  factor  for  identifying
what is happening in the outside world. The typical mar-
king  and  characterizing of  what  is  going  on,  this  is  sur-

152

rounded with feelings, judgments, anticipation or aver-
sion, and so on. The moment the child forms a meaning,
it does this on the basis of stimuli from one or more sen-
ses. It may also be that the child is involved in interaction
with  that  something  from  the  outside  world. Specific
sensory and behavioral experience are then linked to the
encountered reality and stored in the semantic memory
as characteristic.

Researchers  from  the  Universities  of  Glasgow  and  Bir-
mingham were able to show that memories become less
vivid and detailed over time, so that ultimately only the
central core is preserved. This blurring of details of our
memory in favor of the essence was amplified with regu-
lar recall of recently stored experiences. Remembering is
seen  as  a  highly  reconstructive  process  and  not  as  an
exact representation, where memories can change every
time they are thought of.

Memories thus appear to be primarily focused on mea-
ningful contents, which is also reflected in brain signals.
That memories change with time and use is a good and
adaptive thing. Memories preserve the information that
is likely to come in handy in similar situations in the fu-
ture. This preference for semantic memory content ap-
pears  to  be  significantly  stronger  with  the  passage  of
time  and  with  repeated  recall.  In  this  way,  meaningful
information for later, remains longer.

153

After  a  few  characteristics  are  met  in  daily  reality,  the
whole of stored characteristics is activated in the seman-
tic memory. In this way something is quickly recognized
in reality and a rapid image and subsequent reaction is
possible. What is noticed is seen as a sign of and for (sig-
ning) a certain perception and reaction.

In semantic memory the encountered reality can be sto-
red as an image as a representation of that reality. This
is especially so in children up to about four years. Gradu-
ally, symbols are also formed that represent often more
complex realities. The scarf that symbolizes the connec-
tion with mommy who gave him to me. In the develop-
ment  of  the  language, concepts  are  available  to  store
characteristics. Finally, rules  are available  to  link  con-
cepts  to  each  other,  where  one  term  means  a  link  for
another concept. A child that is small and young.

The  development  of  the  language  allows  the  rever-
se :  where the child tries to capture reality in images, it
now  tries  to  evoke  reality  through  the  meaning  of  the
language concepts. For example, the semantic develop-
ment  of  language  is seen  as  a second step  in  language
development. This  after  the  phonological  development
that  concerns  the  making  of  sounds  and  the  syntactic
development that concerns the making of sentences and
the morphological development that is about the use of
the right word form. This way it comes to understanding

154

what  stands  for  what  and  thus  listening  for  active  use
and thus speaking.

Function of meaning development
Development  of  meaning  can  be  seen  as  a  system  for
classification, organizing and structuring of the environ-
mental  reality. The  way  this  happens  is  very  individual
and culturally determined. These are the child's own ex-
periences that are at the basis of the self-formed links. It
is the information obtained from the environment or the
shared experiences that form the basis of the jointly for-
med links. Who the parents are for the child will be very
colored  by  his  personal  experiences  with  his  pa-
rents. What his parents are is heared from his environ-
ment and is determined culturally and historically.

A clear trend that is evident here is that the provision of
meaning today is more individually determined then be-
fore. Previously, the child was more likely to abandon his
own  experience  or  let  it  precede  by  what  the  environ-
ment  imposed  and  expected. Not  who  are  my  parents
for me from concrete experiences with them or from ex-
periences with needs in contact with them, but what do
my parents want in contact with them as interpretation
that in general can be expected in the society from child-
ren.

In  addition  to  organizing  reality,  the  development  of
meaning also leads to that reality. How can the concept

155

allow a better response to and dealing with the environ-
mental reality.

Origin of own meaning development
From phenomenological research we know that the es-
sence of many realities can not be found in the core of
the realities themselves, but in ourselves in dealing with
those realities, in the meaning we give ourselves to these
realities, how much these realities in itself also displays
a certain meaning. For a child, a stack of books can have
the meaning of a sofa, however clearly the meaning of
the books may be to us.

Especially what the child is looking for in a reality and the
contact it has with it, is very decisive for his significance
assignment. So your mobile phone can be a nice toy for
the child. In the evolution of what the child looks for in a
reality and in the changing relationship with it, each time
different meanings are assigned. The strange child of the
neighbors becomes a playmate, later a friend, later the
sweetheart and yes perhaps the chosen life partner.

Development of meaningful constructions
Gradually the child develops besides doubles that refer
to realities outside of itself, also doubles that refer to
constructions in its head about realities. These doubles
also have a side that refers directly to the construction,
next to sides that refer to what is called with the double.
Think of 'young' as referring to the common meaning of

156

small age, in addition to individual associations of 'young'
with being active, with being-in, with new, with attracti-
veness, and so on.

For  these  abstract  doubles  even  more  differences  in
meaning arise because the common side can also show
individual  differences  in  nuance. Where,  for  example,
does young ends. As a parent you only have indirect in-
fluence on this.

Meaning to themselves and to others
Children  first  develop  the  ability  to  recognize  meaning
and attribute it to what they meet. In this way they get
to know themselves what something means to them. In
this way they also learn to discover what is important to
them,  what  they  seek  and  need  in  their  own  sense  of
meaning. My mommy means everything to me, so I am
still very dependent.  My mom goes before everything, I
seek and constantly needs her safety.

From  the  age  of  three,  children  develop  the  ability  to
also discover the meaning that others recognize and at-
tribute  to  something. Children  try  to  understand  other
children and to understand their intentions. Which idea
other children make of something and what other child-
ren  are  looking  for  based  on  their  knowledge,  desires,
questions and expectations. In other words, the child is
able  to  attribute  meaning  to  perceived  behavior. My
mum takes good care of me, I mean a lot to my mom. My

157

mom constantly urges me to do what she expects, she
wants me to be sweet.

Where four to five-year-olds in the meanings allocation
mainly  rely  on  the  concrete  situation  and  the  concrete
actions of themselves and others, eight or nine-year-olds
also  rely  on  the  knowledge  they  have  acquired  about
themselves  and  others. I  cry  because  I  have  lost
something  or  I cry  because  I  am  sensitive.   He  is  angry
because he can not participate, he is angry because he is
light-hearted. Gradually these two  knowledge contents
mix, these about the concrete situation and reaction and
the one about who someone is. She is excited because
she is not the first to turn and because she always wants
to win from others.

Encouraging the development of meaning
As  a  parent  you  can  stimulate  the  development  of  the
meaning of the child by using images of realities in the
child's  world. Images  that  accentuate  certain  characte-
ristics  of  these  realities,  for  example,  by  simplifying
them. The smaller shape of the child is magnified against
that of an adult. The love of the mother for her child is
over-accentuated  with  hearts. Picture  books  and  chil-
dren's videos can be helpful.

Regularly talking to, with and in the vicinity of the child
can make the child familiar with language sounds, from

158

your tonality a foundation can be laid for meanings. Re-
search shows that the richer your language use is in the
form of a variety of words and more complex sentence
constructions, the faster the vocabulary development of
the child (Hoff & Naigles, 2002).

It can help to give definitions of what the child meets, by
indicating its characteristics. If the child deals with a ball,
you can draw attention to the round, opposite the angu-
lar of a block.  Around you can illustrate with roles, an-
gular with non-movable and sliding. Especially for what
is not immediately perceptible, you can indicate what it
typifies  or  typifies  the  child. For  example,  if  the  child
weeps you can link to a feeling of grief because it has lost
something.

Especially giving concrete examples of what something
is  and  what  not,  what  belongs  to  something  and  what
does  not,  how  something  is  and  how  something  does
not,  when  something  is  and  when  it  is  not,  make  the
meanings very differentiated and at the same time more
extensive. What  is  all  small,  what  is  all  great,  for
example. What is not small, what is not great.

As a parent, you can give feedback to the child when it
gives  an  incorrect  meaning  to  something. Not  smaller
but less, no more but bigger.

160

Buffers
as protection

What accompanies me as a youngster?
I've  been  there  before  I  get  anywhere. In  my  thoughts
and in my imagining I have already formed an idea and I
can feel and experience this in a physical way.   Do I feel
tense, do I suffer from nerves?

The more often I experienced something, the more de-
tailed the image could be, but at the same time the more
volatile this happening, for the sake of predictability and
routine.

The newer a happening, the deeper and more detailed
this happening for me, even if I notice that it is still vague
or  unknown  and  needs  to  be  assessed  and  comple-
ted. Much  remains  in  the  question  form. This  ensures

Buffers ensure safety.

They allow us to notice insecurity on time.

How to sensitize children for this?

YES !

NO !

161

more prudence and a slower progress.  First (knowing)
to know and feel and then only doing.

Multiple buffers
For example, we notice that several buffers surround us
who ensure safety and avoid too great risks with serious
consequences.

In this way we have the already mentioned mental buf-
fer of estimating and feeling.

Closely connected to this is the signal buffer.  Signals that
point in a particular direction can be more direct or indi-
rectly read from what is being said, from what the per-
son shows and from what the person let feel.

Also  related  is  the incoherence  buffer. What  someone
says, does not correspond with reality or with what so-
meone does.

Towards yourself there is the comfort (zone) buffer. You
notice that the situation or the other person takes you
out of your comfort zone and you don't feel comfortable,
like you feel bad about something, you don't recognize
something or you don't trust something, you risk falling
outside your limits, etc.

In addition, there is the social buffer, the others on which

162

we  can  count,  who  accompany  us  or  on  which  we  can
appeal. They provide a large dose of safety and security.

Furthermore, there is the communicative buffer. We can
address, agree, inform, warn, and more.

Not to mention is the behavioral barrier, such as proxi-
mity  or  distance-winning, respecting  habits  and  rituals,
etc.

Finally,  in  emergency  situations,  there  is  the  reference
buffer,  such  as  apparently  cooperating;  say  yes,  doing
no; pretend; create a different impression; point to sur-
veillance; point to be met; someone on the way; set con-
ditions; delay; make

‘appointments’; 'promise'; keep tal-

king; gain time; distract; put on the wrong track; believe
in a way out and a happy ending; and so on.

This means that we are not immediately surrendered to
something, but that we often can see or feel something
in advance, that we can invoke the help of others in time
and act in a communicative or behavioral way. These
buffers surround us and make access to something pos-
sible or allow us to prevent access.

What to allow yourself?
For optimal use of these buffers, much will depend on
how you let yourself deal with a situation or event.

163

What you let go before, whether you want to go into so-
mething, go on with it, or want to go on. Whether you
want to go ahead, go along or go together. Whether you
want to check something or start from it. Whether you
want to go to something, or want to stop or go away or
go  sideways  or  backwards. Whether  you  want  to  go
ahead or want to let something go down, get out of the
way,  let  breakdown  or  get  lost. Whether  you  let  go  or
insist that something goes well and is possible. Whether
it goes this way before you go out. Or you allow yourself
to let go or get stuck.  It will be a matter of determining
for yourself how far you want to go and not just going
through with something.

Give buffers opportunities
Adults can teach young people how to use buffers. They
can explain what to do and can show how to do this. This
offers young people a basis to optimize their own expe-
rience for themselves and their own situation.

Adults often neglect this development or refute the na-
tural  and  intuitive  buffers  by  substituting  their  buffers
and acting as a buffer themselves.  But what if the adults
are not there or are not available.

Buffers in what you undertake
Where the previous is useful for what the other person
says and does to you and how you respond to this or not
and  whether  or  not  you  allows  this,  is  the  following

164

useful  in  your  own  or  requested  engagement,  in  what
you  undertake  and  how  you  already  does  or  does  not
act.

With what you yourself do and undertake, on your own
initiative or at the request of someone, you can use an
emotional, rational and behavioral buffer.

Emotional buffer : You can use what and how you feel
about what and how you think and do.
Rational buffer : Or can you use what and how you think
about what and how you feel and do.

Behavioral buffer: Or you can still use what and how you
do from what and how you think and feel.

An example :
Someone  wants  something  from  you  and  asks  for  your
cooperation, but fears a no-answer if you knew the un-
derlying reason for his request.

You  try  to  empathize  with  his proposal,  but  notice  that
many questions remain open.  Especially the why of his
question remains very unclear. Also why the question is
asked  to  you  remains  obscure. Especially  the  exclusive
and  wanting  to  exclude  the  others  can  not  be  inter-
preted. You do not feel comfortable with your requested
engagement. Also, not wanting to talk openly about the

165

direction  the  other  person  wants  to  go,  does  not  feel
right.

The mental image that remains vague, the feelings that
are  unfavorable  and  that  you  can  not  appeal  to  others
about  your  commitment  should  encourage  you  to  talk
more about what the other person wants from you. And
if this does not work, you can try to distance yourself or
actively take action not to go further with the other per-
son.

If you would go to the request of the other person, you
can  consider  how  you  would  think  about  yourself  and
how you would feel when you gave in to the other person.

Okay in all areas
Finally, you can check whether something is okay in the
three different territories with which you have to do :

Is it something I like or something I want, in the mental
territory ?

Are others in the social territory informed and agree with
what I do ?

Can I call on someone or something in the real territory
if necessary ?

167

A practical situation as exercise

YES !

NO !

answer

At home they

think that’s okay.

The others are al-

ready gone.

I love a

party.

Other friends

are going

too.

It’s already

late.

Nobody else is

there.

NO !

YES !

168

Preventing
burnout
as a parent

Burnout as a parent?
Perhaps  the  topic  will  somewhat  surprise :  the  occur-
rence of burnout as a parent. Is burnout not associated
with a 'burned-out' in a work situation ?   Indeed, but un-
der a work situation can more in general be understood,
a task that has been given or an own assignment that ge-
nerally  depletes  someone  so  that  he  or  she  goes  un-
der. Whether this is a work situation, a learning situation
(burnout at students) or a living situation (burnout at pa-
rents)  is  rather  secondary. It  always  involves  the  con-
frontation with a task or assignment - here a parenting
task - that requires too much of a person (bearing load)
so that he no longer perseveres with his available possi-

How as a parent prevent to go under?

Which signals can you notice in time?

How do you respond?

[emotional exhaustation]

[decreasing competence feeling]

[depersonalisation]

169

bilities  (capacity).    Because  the  possibilities  are  ex-
hausted  by  the  continuous,  repetitive  and  prolonged
load,  so  that  it  can  not  be  regained  again. It  is  not  so
much the balance of carrying capacity and bearing load
that is disturbed, but the balance of giving and building
up. The result is a long-term energy deficit and a perma-
nent feeling of exhaustion.  If in time the reconstruction
of  forces  could  be  done,  then  burnout  would  not  oc-
cur. However,  a  progressive  reduction  of  forces  takes
place, which in the long term gives burnout more oppor-
tunities. Reducing  this reduction  of  forces  and  offering
opportunities to rebuild them is one of the main points
of attention for preventing burnout as a parent.

(Mia  - 33  years)  I  experienced  that  I  was  very  unhappy
with  my  child. No  matter  how  much  I  tried,  it  did  not
want to click between us. It was also difficult: I constantly
made comments about what it did or did not want to do
what I wanted. Sometimes I completely lost my patience
and demanded in vain that it would sit still and be silent. I
just could not have anything from my child at certain ti-
mes. The  best  moments  were  when  it  was  away  from
home.  But  even  then  I  was  very  disappointed  that  it
would  come  home  again  and  everything  would  start
again.

(Diane - 36 years old) I started to experience myself more
and more as an unfriendly, upbringing and hard-working
parent who could no longer handle it and knew it with his

170

child to whom she was less and less attached.   Who did
the opposite of what she wanted herself, but who no lon-
ger had a grip on the child, on her own actions and on
herself.

The development of a burnout
Parenting can ask a whole effort of you as a parent. Es-
pecially if it is not easy when dealing with your child, you
may feel that you have a difficult assignment. It is then
easy to create a tense atmosphere that gradually turns
into a tense relationship with your child.  This tense at-
mosphere  and  relationship  can  then  easily  create  new
tensions and evoke stress both with you as a parent as
with the child. This way you as a parent and child easily
end  up  in  a  long-lasting  and  recurring  stress  situa-
tion. This requires a lot from the child, but also from the
parent who gradually feels that he can no longer easily
cope with his task as a parent.

As a parent you are inclined to make extra efforts to still
succeed in your parental task.  Efforts to which the child
does not always react positively. This can generate a lot
of emotions, such as excitement, disappointment, anger
and fear that make you gradually become very irritable
and easily react emotionally. The feeling then gradually
arises with your little impact-providing commitment that
this  can  not  continue  endlessly,  especially  because  the
child's positive response to your extra effort is lacking.

171

... or how emotional exhaustion occurs.

There is a danger that you will gradually question your
parental skills and your parental competence, that you
will gradually lose your self-confidence in this area, be-
cause you are increasingly confronted with not knowing
how to manege it as parent. You do not know how to
deal with the situation of your child and your child self,
so that additional tensions would arise. Especially the
decrease or lack of a clear vision on parenting makes so-
meone more vulnerable.
... or how decreasing competence feeling appears.

An additional danger is that your attitude towards your
child and your task as a parent becomes increasingly ne-
gative and you start to believe less and less in your child
and your task. This way you can gradually slide down to

Recently, Leuven researchers developed a new defi-
nition of burnout, with five core symptoms that can
be  seen  as  characteristics  of  (emotional)  exhaus-
tion. They  are  physical  and  psychological  exhaus-
tion; cognitive loss of control, such as concentration
and memory problems; emotional loss of control, ex-
pressing  itself  in  pronounced  emotional  reac-
tions; depressive  symptoms,  which  is  similar  to  de-
pression; and mental distance, expressing itself as a
mental distance from the present assignment.

172

a more cynical view of your child and your stated paren-
tal assignment. It does not yield much or anything with
your child who is disappointing.
... or how depersonalisation occurs.

Emotional  exhaustion,  a  decreasing  sense  of  compe-
tence  and  depersonalization  are  generally  seen  as  the
three related core characteristics of burnout.

Risks
It will be clear that a developing burnout does not only
entail a risk for yourself as a parent, but also for your ac-
tions towards your child and for your child.

1. risk to yourself
            . general feeling of powerlessness
            . permanent feeling of tension and pressure
            . doubt of own possibilities as a parent
            . much as a burden and difficult to experience
            . disinterested and isolated (want to be left
              alone, ...)
            . not be able to distance, nothing can be relative
               or let away

2. risk for your actions to your child
            . easily act emotionally charged towards your
              child: disappointed, excited, angry, ...
            . act impatiently with your child
            . slight tolerance towards the child

173

            . mood fluctuations and volatility
               in your dealings with child
            . increased pressure on your child
            . lack of energy, interest and sense of
              interaction with child

. show escape behavior or neglect behavior

            . easily conflictual interaction
            . in the background risk of abusing your child
              (hitting, heavy punishment, ...)

3. risk for your child
            . show your disappointing image of
              child (child as a nuisance, ...)
            . the development of negative self-image in your
              child because of your reactions
            . to develop a low self-esteem feeling
              because of the lack of confirmation
            . in the background risk for emotional neglect
              (disinterest, rejecti

on, …)

In summary, there is a risk that your actions will show
signs of overcompensation, giving up or escaping

Consequences of burnout
When the daily stress of being a parent continues,
it can lead to a burnout. This is an intense exhaus-
tion that leads parents to feel detached from their

174

child  and  become  insecure  about  their  parenting
skills. In today's society and cultural context, there
is  a  lot  of  pressure  on  parents.  However,  it  is  not
possible to be a perfect parent. Trying to do so can
lead to exhaustion, with the risk of achieving just the
opposite as intended.  This according to recent re-
search at the French-speaking University of Leuven.

The research showed that burnout can have serious
consequences for both parent and child. For parents
emotional  exhaustion,  emotional  detachment  and
parental  feelings  of  inefficiency.    For  children,  ne-
glect of physical, educational and emotional needs,
confrontation  with  a  parent's  thinking  to  abandon
them  and  a  propensity  of  their  parents  to  verbal,
physical or psychological abuse.

Parental burnout and parental neglect also showed
a circular relationship: parental burnout led to more
parental neglect, which in turn led to more burnout,
and so on.

The  study  indicates  that parents should  know  that
self-care is good for themselves and their child and
that when they feel severely exhausted, they should
seek help. Anything that allows parents to recharge
their  batteries  to  prevent  exhaustion  is  therefore
also beneficial for their child. It is best for parents to
avoid  putting  too  much  pressure  on  themselves,
such as expecting too much of themselves and wan-

175

How to prevent burnout
. Identifying signs of evolving bur-

nout  in  a  timely  manner,  in
yourself,  in  dealing  with  child-
ren, in children themselves as a
reaction  to  your  dealings.   No-
ticing  changes  that  occur  pro-
gressively, such as no longer re-
cognizing themselves at certain
points.

. Perceiving causes in yourself

(loss  of  control),  in  your
dealings with child (conflict, dis-
tance,  misunderstanding,  ...)
and  in  child  (insecurity,  uncer-
tainty, ...).

. Reduce causes and, if possible,

eliminate them.

. Add protective factors (partner,

friends, family members, self-
care, ...).

Emma  Mansour,  psy-
chologist  and  psycho-
therapist,  proposes  to
prevent burnout, to pay
attention  to  yourself.
According  to  her,  a
glass  jar  with  marbles

can be helpful.

Every

marble that you add re-
presents a moment or
an

action

self-

care.

Like, for example,

taking a break or just

moving.

Every marble

you  take  away  corres-
ponds  to,  for  example,
skipping  a  moment  of

rest or not moving.

Ac-

cording to her, it is then
essential  to  keep  as
many marbles as possi-
ble  in  the  cup  and  in
this way be reminded in
time  of  the  need  for
self-care.

too much expectations of themselves and wanting
to do too much. So exhaustion can be avoided and
also the harmful consequences associated with it.

176

. Reduce risk factors (stressful work situation, deman-

dingness, perfectionism, ...).

. Increase carrying capacity (parent skills, expand used

parenting methods and responses, ...).

. Reduce load (help, share parenting task, ...).

. Call on social network for conversation or to relieve you

practically. For example, participating in parent groups
or chatting online.

. Break through continuity in load (temporary relief, op-

portunity to gain strength, ...).

. Pay attention to available energy: keep reserve, charge

batteries in time, take breaks in time, spread out, di-
vide, ...

. Focusing on and recognizing the positive: focus on

whatworks and is okay, being happy with small succes-
ses and going step by step.

. Don't pursue perfectionism.

Parents who worry and who lack a vision are sometimes
presented as more vulnerable to burnout. However, this

177

is a circular process. The gradually increasing vulnerabi-
lity undermines self-confidence, makes people insecure,
increases worry, and doubts the existing vision.
You can also take into account that what you just want
to avoid (such as not being able to cope, losing control,
getting exhausted, ...) is likely to occur due to your incre-
ased effort.

Apology
It can be a good idea for an experienced increasing fai-
lure in dealing with your child, to :

 not just accusing your child, as if your child is a

big problem. But to recognize that from an evol-
ving burnout everything is presented more nega-
tively, more magnified and less nuanced than it
is, so that no possibilities for rearing are seen and
tried out,

 not just blame yourself, as if you were not able or

willing to raise your child. But to recognize that
from a developing burnout your ways of dealing
with your child are presented as more negative,
problematic and less nuanced, so that no action
possibilities are seen and tried.

Stress and burnout
Every parent experiences sometimes to get out of ba-
lance and out of selfcontrol, yet he quickly regains con-
trol over himself and the situation. This is typical for

178

stress. Many children know these stress reactions from
their parents, without this really giving them problems.

Some  parents  are  constantly  experiencing  loss  of  self-
control and can no longer find their balance, so that for
a  long  time  the  feeling  arises  that  they  no  longer  have
any control over themselves and the situation. This is ty-
pical  for  burnout. For  children,  burnout  consequences
can best be avoided, it causes more than transient pro-
blems for them.

Children respond very differently to a parental burnout
Many  children  have  noticed  or  felt  for  some  time  that
the relationship with the parent is becoming increasingly
tense and difficult. They also come under tension, which
can evolve to a more permanent state of tension.

Even though children sometimes do their utmost not to
increase the tension (being good, being quiet, not com-
plaining, keeping a distance, keeping quiet, sensing how
the mood is of parent, being careful in response, not da-
ring to react, ... ), yet the experienced tension causes fee-
lings of tension, such as agitation, irritability, fear, inse-
curity, guilt, disappointment and lethargy. The child can
respond to this with restless behavior, irritable behavior,
with uncertain behavior, with passive behavior and with
physical reactions.

180

Out of the center

we look at a group, we see group members who be-

long more to the center of the group.  We also see group
members who belong less to the center. Sometimes we
see group members who are on the edge of the group or
even  over  the  edge. Physically they are still part of the
group,  but  mentally  they  have  distanced  themselves
from  it  or  they  were  socially  excluded. Sometimes  se-
veral group members can be in this situation at the same
time. It will be clear that they find each other easily.

The  more  someone  is  at  the  center  of  the  group,  the
more someone will be inclined to refer in his or her act-
ions to what lives and guides in the group. The more so-
meone is out of the center, the less someone will be in-
clined  to  refer  to  what  lives  in  the  group  and  is  direc-
tive. The chance is then great that someone in his doing

What if a child no longer identifies himself with the
family group?

181

will refer to himself or to the subgroup who is also out of
the center.

The  reasons  why  someone  is  out  of  the  center  can  be
very diverse. On the one hand, they can relate to the less
favorable attitude of the group towards the group mem-
ber,  or  they  may  have  to  deal  with  group  members
themselves that for some reason do not fit or find con-
nection or want to find with the group, or also they can
have  to  deal  with  less  favorable  experiences  with  each
other as a result of being incompatible with each other
or not being able or willing to become compatible.

Those who are more in the center have more reasons to
comply with the group. Such a person gets more bene-
fits  from  the  group  through  his  conformation. Those
who are more out of the center have fewer reasons to
comply with the group. Such a person may derive more
benefits from the distance to the center of the group due
to  less  conformation. It  are  the  advantages  of  turning
with the group that makes someone move to the center
of the group. Once those benefits are lost, there is a risk
that  someone  will  distance  himself  more  from  the
group. In this way one easily ends up in a negative circu-
larity,  which  progressively  pushes  someone  from  the
core.
Primarily, on the one hand, there is a bridge between pa-
rents and children, and on the other hand a bridge bet-

182

ween child and the wider environment, say society.   So-
metimes parents end up in a struggle with their child, so
that the child will be more out of the center of the fa-
mily. This can make it particularly difficult for the child to
bridge the family group, so that the child could be in the
center of the family group.  Sometimes you may notice
that  parents  are  struggling  with  society  and  moving
more from the center of society and their environment.
This can make it particularly difficult to create a bridge
for the child to society, so that the child could be at the
center of the environment and society.

ometimes parents can determine to their despair that

their child apparently does not respond as they should
expect as a minimum. The child does not conform to the
customs that are customary in the family or are expec-
ted.    Apparently  the  child  sails  a  different  course,  res-
ponds  to  something  else,  something  that  is  strange  to
the parents. The child apparently does not refer to the
family group in his expression and reaction. The child ap-
parently refers to himself or another group, with which
it is more related or connected or feels. In dealing with
this, this easily gives rise to stress and conflict situations
that can cause a lot of stress in the child but also in the
parents. On  this  stress  the  child  can  react  with  excite-
ment  and  agression  because  of  the  collision,  but  also
with  pronounced  grief  and  uncertainty  because  of  the
perceived distance. Parents then clash with this excite-
ment,  these  outbursts  of  rage,  or  this  stagnation,  this

183

inability  and  grief. The  child  does  not  give  itself  to  the
group  that  offers  insufficient  safety,  space  and  recog-
nisability for it.  The child prefers the safety and familia-
rity of itself or another group that allows more stability
and less risk. In other words, there is an attachment pro-
blem that expresses itself with the child in an attachment
disorder.

Parents can have a hard time with this situation, which
often also gets a habit and possibly leads to increasingly
serious  problems. Parents  often  also  take  as  standard
that the child refers to what applies in the family. They
can hardly accept that the child is out of the center and
even beyond the boundary of the family group.

Starting from this reality, that their child is self- or alter-
native referential, and if they can accept this reality, this
can  lead  to  steps  towards  each  other,  without  thre-
atening. Parents  need  not  feel  threatened  and
misunderstood as a family group, the child does not have
to  feel  threatened  and  pressured. This  mutual  security
can  provide  a  favorable  basis  for  getting  closer  toge-
ther. You  can  maintain  your  own  core  and  space,  and
steps  can  be  taken  to  another  core  and  space  without
this risk or loss.

From a dreamed we-feeling, over an actual I-feeling, to
get  gradually  away  from  being  together  next  to  each
other, in order to arrive at a desired together-with-each-

184

other, with guarantee for sufficient autonomy and main-
taining its own integrity at the same time.

ometimes parents can distant themselves in some

way  or  another  through  less  favorable  experiences  in
contact  with  society  or  authorities  within  society. They
then develop their own culture away from the center of
the  society,  or  they  already  received  that  non-cultural
culture from home, a home that did not feel as socially
happy either.

Instead of trust in society, trust came in their own con-
victions and strategies. This own way of dealing with the
environment is often passed on to the child. It is often
about alternative or inverted values and norms that ap-
ply  as  a  way  of  thinking  and  behavior. For  example,
where a well-thought-out action is considered desirable
in society, an impulsive reaction as habitual behavior is
put  in  place  instead. Where  in  society  taking  into  ac-
count  environmental  expectations  is  preferable,  prefe-
rence is given to stubbornly adhering to own momentary
desires. Where  in  society  there  are  attempts  to  avoid
confrontation as much as possible, direct confrontation
is chosen. Where in a confrontation - if not to exclude -
the boundary is laid in a word dispute, it is easily threa-
tened  with  physical  confrontation  to  show  its  own  po-
wer. Where healthy trust prevails in society, a cautious
distrust is assumed.

185

Many of these own references, as a foundation, want to
protect themselves from becoming victims of the envi-
ronment. What  is  assumed  is  considered  to  be  of  in-
fluence, by acting in this way one experiences effect for
themselves. On  the  edge  of  the  group,  what  society  is
suggesting  is  insufficient  to  work  and  produce  an  ef-
fect. By postponing something and striving for effect in
the longer term, as often pushed forward in society, such
a  person  does  not  gain  opportunities,  but  experiences
them  to  lose  and  to  miss  out  on  his  chances. What  is
indeed possible, if one can no longer count on others.

From  the  center  of  the  group  -  family  or  community
group -  there  is  a risk  of  ending  up  in  a  negative  spiral
that moves someone further and further from the center
to  or  over  the  edge. The  unpleasant  contacts  with  the
group  lead  to  negative  reactions  or  a  lack  of  res-
ponse. Such  reactions  in  turn  lead  to  even  more  un-
pleasant  interactions  by  the  group.    Gradually,  incom-
prehension, hostility and rejection, or an increased risk,
develop along one or both sides. This misunderstanding,
this hostility and that rejection give reasons for pushing
someone  out  of  the  center  and  withdrawing  from  the
center. Because  of  this  double  action,  this  process  can
proceed  quickly  and  take  an  extreme  form. In this  way
each tries to protect himself - the group and who is iso-
lated. Due to this interaction method, the need and ne-
cessity to protect themselves is also becoming increasin-

186

gly apparent. Every agreement, every band, every com-
munity threatens to be lost more and more for a longer
period of time.

All reasons to prevent pushing someone out of the cen-
ter or withdrawing himself. This can be done by preven-
ting  negative  spiral  formation. Specifically,  this  can  be
done by, among other things, recognizing the various re-
ference forms. By avoiding a battle between different re-
ference centers because of the contradiction or the dis-
tance.  By bringing together multiple references and see-
ing  what  the  similarities  are,  what  the  additions  are,
what multiple interests entail and ask for attention and
seek attention. By proposing alternative references with
opportunities to open up to this without having to hold
back a threat. By creating a new reference group for an
increasing part or the whole for the future where every-
one can feel safe. By avoiding that anyone who already
has the tendency to withdraw from the center  get fur-
ther away.

magine

that you are in a weak position in a group.

Imagine that you are all alone in a group.
Imagine you do not notice it.
Imagine that others do not accept you as you are.
Imagine that others are against you.
Imagine that doing your best to belong to the group
makes little difference.

187

Imagine to perceive you do not seem to be and do like
others.

How would you experience this?
How would you feel?
How would you react?
How would you protect yourself?
How would you try to avoid repetition?
What effect could this have on you in time (self-esteem,
self-confidence, isolation, taking initiative, ...)?
How would you act as an educator towards someone
who experiences this?

erhaps is often too little understood the importance

of belonging to the center of a group. Perhaps too little
is  seen  the  reality  that  many,  individuals  or  subgroups
are located out of the center. This reality is also often not
accepted. This often causes pressure on those who are
out of the center. Too little is perhaps seen the signifi-
cance  of  being  able  to  make  a  contribution  and  to  be
able to continue to strive continuously to let belong as
many  individuals  and  subgroups  as  possible  to  the
group. Perhaps it is possible to use this difference not as
an  element  of  exclusion  but  as  a  referential  for  belon-
ging. So you can to a certain extent be yourself and be-
long to the group.

se the figure above for your child to mark the place in

or out of the center of the family and cohabitation group.

188

Circular
influence

Provoke
A child has a whole register of perceptions, feelings, de-
sires,  thoughts,  memories,  fantasies,  body  sensations,
expressions and reactions of which some are awakened
under  certain  circumstances,  in  certain  situations  and
contexts, or which the child evokes for himself in func-
tion of what it wants to achieve, maintain or avoid.

As a parent or educator you also have a whole register
of  perceptions,  feelings,  desires,  thoughts,  memories,
fantasies,  body  sensations,  expressions  and  reactions,
some  of  which  are  awakened  under  certain  cir-
cumstances, in certain situations and contexts, or which

What you say or do
can be a reaction to your child.

Your reaction can then again be the starting point for
the child to which it in turn reacts.

189

you yourself call forth in yourself in function of what you
want to achieve, maintain or avoid.

Mutual influence
When  we  respond  or  act  as  parents  or  educators,  we
may lure a reaction or action with the child in connection
with  the  activated  perceptions,  feelings,  desires,
thoughts, memories, fantasies, body sensations.

This  can  be  a  reaction  or  action  that  we  choose  or
want. However, it can also  be the opposite reaction or
action that we do not prefer and just do not want. This
action or reaction of your child can in turn provoke a cer-
tain action or reaction that is not desirable for the child
or the child himself does not want. As a parent or child
you can be aware of this circular process of mutual in-
fluence in the form of provocation or not. A mutual in-
fluence  that  takes  the  form  of  circular  triggering  pro-
cesses.  Parenting is rightly described as a complemen-
tary and circular process, in which both parent and child
are involved and successively active.

. With  our  impatience,  we  often  try  to  encourage  our
child  to  start,  continue  or  stop  something. The  impa-
tience  can,  however,  provoke  resistance  and  possibly
provoke  a  blockage  in  the  child. Just  what  we  did  not
want at all.  However, we just wanted the opposite, some
more  flexibility  and  mobility. The  resistance  and  the
blocking  and  the  lack  of  flexibility  and  mobility  of  the

190

child can arouse displeasure and cause even more impa-
tience. Just the opposite of what the child needs and de-
sires.    This  can  then  generate  more  resistance  in  the
child. Because of their own  performance each of them
leads  to  the  opposite  of  what  to  choose. The  resulting
reaction of each provokes the opposite of what together
and  what  also  each  wants  for  themselves. With  impa-
tience  and  resistance  as  a  result,  while  each  preferred
patience and cooperation.

If  this  occurs  repeatedly,  or  permanently,  or  still  very
pronounced, then the chances of provoking each other's
behavior increase more, each of which wanted to coun-
teract its own actions. Everyone's reaction increases the
chance of repetition, no longer ceasing or at a pronoun-
ced  intensity,  as  a  result  of  which  each  still  wanted  to
adjust the other person. The other person, who, howe-
ver,  by  your  own  performance,  is  less  and  less  activa-
table for what you wanted, but on the contrary streng-
thens flight into what you endeavor to achieve with rigi-
dity and more extreme action.

. If  you  easily  take  the  lead  in  avoiding  indecision,  this
can just provoke indecision, because  the other can not
practice making his own choice and because your deci-
sion definitely accentuates the lesser decision as weaker,
what is also perceived as thus by the other. The weak de-
termination of the child then triggers your decision and

191

initiative, which is the larger as the child is more indeci-
vise. By  triggering  the  opposite  together  the  origin  of
each other's problem is strengthened and the situation
evolves in a negative and more pronounced sense.

There is a high risk that everyone gradually resigns to the
development- and change-adverse situation and there-
fore requires each other to continue in the unfavorable
reaction.

. As a parent you do not expect any decision and initia-
tive from your child anymore and you endure his indeci-
siveness and passivity. As a child, you do not expect to
be able to make more efforts to be more self-determi-
ned  and  to  take  the  initiative,  and  in  this  way  you  can
sustain  the  superiority  of  the  parent. In  this  way  you
keep  provoking  each  other,  which  prevents  everyone
from allowing change and development.

Unfavorable mutual influence
As a parent you run the risk of negatively influencing the
behavior  of  the  child  through  this  mutual  provocation
process with your own behavior. You run the risk of hol-
ding  each  other  in  a  mutually  unconverted  expression
and behavioral pattern that is re-activated each time by
its own expression and behavioral pattern. An additional
risk is that you permanently reinforce each other in this
pattern. So that you feel at a certain moment that it can
not go on like this. You do not want your child to evolve

192

further  in  that  direction. By  possibly  feeling  that  you
have  too  few  expectations  and  demands  on  your  child
and being too accommodating and too weak, you risk in-
creasing  your  actions,  with  a  more  pronounced  un-
wanted behavior of your child, something against which
you just came up.

. Your  dominance  that  provokes  dependence  on  your

child, which in turn triggers your dominance.

. Your talk that triggers the silence of your child, which in

turn triggers your talk.

. Your attack that provokes defense with your child,

which in turn triggers your attack.

. Your control which evokes hiding in your child, which in

turn triggers your control.

. Your criticism that provokes passivity in your child,

which in turn triggers your criticism.

. Your agression that provokes rebellion in your child,

which in turn triggers your agression.

. Your compete that provokes withdrawal from your

child, which in turn triggers rivalry.

. Your doubt that provokes uncertainty in your child,

which in turn triggers your doubt.

. Your superiority that provokes submissiveness in your

child, which in turn triggers your superiority.

. Your know-all that provokes know-nothing with your

child, which in turn triggers know-all with you.

193

. Your compliance and following that provokes doing is

own thing in your child, which in turn triggers your
compliance and following.

. Your constantly limitation of your child that elicits

boundlessness from your child, which in turn triggers
your defining of boundaries.

. Your constantly commanding and adjusting that pro-

vokes carelessness in your child, which in turn triggers
your commands and adjustments.

The  toddler's  stubbornness,  for  example,  can  lead  to a
range of dysfunctional responses from the parent inclu-
ding  limiting  the  child's autonomous  desires,  giving  ex-
cessive  directions,  or  disrupting  his  chances  of  develo-
ping independent skills to regulate his behavior. This can
lead to even more resistance from the child to maintain
himself. The parent's intent in being overdirective is to
manage and control the child's behavior.

However, when parents know how to deal with this in a
calm,  confident  way,  responding  with  more  autonomy
support and less disruptive and controlling behavior, the
child will come out less powerful and more benevolent.
It experiences a certain space and it experiences gaining
influence. The negative spiral is then reversed.

Research by New York University showed, by way of illu-
stration, that negative parenting in early childhood has

194

consequences  for  later.  Negative  parenting  was  reflec-
ted  in  negative  emotions  towards  the  child  and  rough
treatment  of  the  child  that  escalated  over  time  during
conflict. This led to pronounced negative emotions and
violent  reactions  of  the  child,  which  in  turn  fueled  the
hostility  of  the  parent.  Negative  parenting  and  not  so
much  the  temperament  of  the  child  appeared  to  pave
the way for hostility and negative emotions in parent and
child  during  the  toddler  years,  with  the  worst  in  every
one  coming  up.  This  resulted  later  in  more  behavioral
problems at school for the child.

Favorable mutual influence
While these circular triggering processes entail the risk
of both coming out where you do not want to and hol-
ding  each  other.    They  on  the  other  hand  have  the
chance  to  trigger  the  positive  behavior  themselves  by
adjusting their own expression and their own actions in
such a way that allows behavioral change at both sides
and  that  can  activate  it. It  is  not  always  possible  to
change your child directly, but by changing your own in-
put you create opportunities to activate change in your
child. Because of the positive reaction that you provokes
with your child, it can in turn activate a further positive
relationship with your child. In this way you elicit a posi-
tive  expression  and  behavior  pattern,  you  keep  each
other in this and you create opportunities for another in-
crease.

195

. Your positivity that provokes openness with your child,

which in turn triggers your positivity.

. Your willingness to help that provokes cooperation with

your child, which in turn triggers your willingness.

. Your discretion that provokes confidence in your child,

which in turn triggers your discretion.

. Your respect that provokes respect with your child,

which in turn triggers your respect.

. Your calm that provokes peace with your child, which

in turn triggers your calm.

. Your sense of perspective that deactivates panic in your

child, which in turn triggers your relativity.

. Giving responsibility to your child that activates your

child's responsibility, which in turn triggers your giving
of responsibility.

Where you as a parent do not succeed in direct influen-
cing your child, you can always use the indirect by chan-
ging your own expression and behavior, and thus chan-
ging the expression and behavior of your child.

. For example, if you want your child to become calm and
your insistence does not help, you can always try to set
a calm tone yourself or you can let a difficulty rest for a
while or you can try to avoid escalation and provoke rest
with your child.

196

Parents can sometimes see that, for example, one posi-
tivity is not the other, the first does not result in open-
ness, the other does. It is then important to be positive
in the right way, so that it can activate the openness and
de-activate  the  closedness. Possibly  there  was  insuffi-
cient attention to de-activate the child's closedness, so
that the activated openness did not in itself receive suf-
ficient chances.

Multiple triggering patterns
What  provokes  each  with  the  other  can  be  very  diffe-
rent. We already indicated that there can be a positive
influence,  but  also  a  negative  one.    It  may  be  that  you
hold  each  other  in  the  opposite  pole  and  that  you  are
reinforced  in  this  opposition. It  may  also  be  that  you
maintain  an  action  and  reaction,  where  no  one  wants
any  concessions  or  changes. This  way  you  both  trigger
each  other  to  exhibit  a  kind  of  mirror  behavior. My  di-
sagreement  with  you  provokes  an  unconfirmed  res-
ponse. The  opposite  is  also  possible  that  you  can  each
respond to each other and you let each respond to each
other. Your noticed confidence provokes me to be con-
fident. Your  adult  approach  lures  me  an  adult  reac-
tion. Thus,  in  addition  to  a  complementary  triggering
process, a symmetrical or similar triggering process can
occur. How  you  approach  each  other  will  determine
which interaction process is triggered.

197

With a complementary and a symmetrical lure pattern,
each of you tries to avoid or prevent something that you
are afraid of or  have resistance to. Especially your per-
ception of each other and of each other's expected reac-
tion elicits your own expression and actions. Wanting to
move forward with your child in a certain direction can
cause your child to slow down or steer in a different di-
rection.  Getting you along as a parent for something the
child wants, can make you as a parent responds indeci-
sive or responds to something else.

With a similar triggering pattern you try to make every
effort to achieve something together or to retain what
you prefer and where you want to go. Your acceptable
approach  to  your  child  can  cause  your  child  to  refrain
from  any  reproach. Not  blaming  each  other  and  not
wanting to punish each other, can make you stand toge-
ther  on  the  trail  of  commitment  and  to  support  each
other.

Known by parents ... and child
Parents are sometimes aware of this mutual inducement
process in one way or another.  They say to their child
because you do not listen, I have to deny you this privi-
lege. I  would  like  to  give  you  this  privilege,  this  is  only
possible  if  you  promise  to  listen. Children  sometimes
also indicate this. I'm angry with you because you forbid
me this. They also immediately indicate how the parent

198

can take away their anger. Something that is not always
obvious to the parent.

Parents also sometimes use this provocation process as
a  condition  to  adjust  their  child's  behavior. I'll  listen  if
you do not yell.  They then make it clear that yelling of
the child does not activate their listening and that it can
not de-activate not listening. Children do this too. I will
do this if you are no longer angry.

In certain cases each can be difficult, to use as a means
to  get  from  each  other  that  he  originally  or  spontane-
ously did not want. In those cases it is best to handle it
carefully. It could lead to something circular by your in-
dulgence to provoke something that you do not want at
all and so to strengthen it. Your child always yells to in-
duce  you  to  listen  indirectly,  so  that  it  can reward  you
with quiet talking. You are always bad tempered to indi-
rectly induce your child to do what you want so that you
can reward it with your calm.

More or less mutual influence
Possibly multiple circular triggering processes are mixed
together. Multiple  between  the  same  people. But  also
with various other relevant people. For example, as a pa-
rent you may sometimes notice that if you try to reach
change  in  your  child  by  changing  your  own  expression
and  behavior,  this  does  not  have  the  expected  re-
sult. Your child may then be stuck in other dependencies

199

with  you  or  with  other  persons  relevant  to  your  child
from his environment. Your child wants to listen because
you also listen to your child, but your reproach to your
child prevents your child from being very open. Or your
child may feel obliged by his bond with his sister to do
very superficially on certain topics. Other elements that
elicit other behavior prevent you from achieving the de-
sired behavioral change in your child through your beha-
vioral change.

Sometimes  as  a  parent  you  may  notice  that  your  own
change does not bring about the desired change in your
child. There is a change in your child, but the content and
the form do not match what you prefer.

. By intervening less constantly, you child become more
autonomous. However,  the  autonomy  that  you  deter-
mine is not what you prefer. You want your child to be
less  helpless,  but  you  did  not  immediately  want  your
child to make his own choices.

Sometimes you can also notice that your change has no
influence  at  all  on  your  child,  without  the  afore  men-
tioned  inhibiting  factors  playing. The  reaction  pattern
that your child showed might have little to do with mu-
tual influence, but had arisen earlier or in a different con-
text. At most, you can try to create a different reaction
pattern through your interaction with the child.

200

. Your  child  easily  uses  power  words  that  it  may  have
picked up outside. No matter how calm you act as a pa-
rent, the child grabs if you limit it to these terms of ex-
pression. As a parent, you can try to get the child to ex-
press his feelings more directly, and to activate this reac-
tion  scheme  rather  than  the  force  word  use
schema. Damn it, not back again' as 'If I do not like it then
I feel anger coming'.

Victim-offender mutual influence
With your actions you can easily victimize the other per-
son. Whoever is a victim can then easily feel entitled to
victimize the other in turn, because of the damage and
the shortages you experienced yourself and because of
the  absence  of  recognition. Given  the  possible  circula-
rity, each can victimize the other, making it only worse.

. You have repeatedly asked your child to help.  You al-
ways assume that you have everything to do alone. You
also feel little willing to respond to a question from your
child. It does not matter that you would make an effort
for him or her. Only when your child is willing to apolo-
gize and to recognize how it does you wrong will you be
prepared to do something for him or her.

. Your  child  has  already  repeatedly  indicated  that  he
finds it very bad to be laughed at whenever he indicates
that  he  can  not  do  something  alone. He  still  feels  little
willing to answer questions from you, partly because of

201

fear of receiving comments again. In his eyes you do not
deserve that he would do something that you could pos-
sibly reproach him for too little independent. Only when
you promise not to laugh at him or her anymore and you
admit that this was unjustified, you can hope for some
compliance.

By having an eye on how to rightly repair injustice and to
undo or limit damage, you may be able to break through
the negative spiral and can generate willingness and
compensation together. This can be enhanced by recog-
nizing everyone's merit and acknowledging each other.

Yourself as standing in the way
As a parent, you can be aware of the fact that you may
be in the way with circular influencing by your own act-
ions, so that you may not be able to activate what you
want with your child.

Your distance to your child who possibly activates the
proximity search of your child, but at the same time en-
sures that more distance can not succeed. Your distance
blocks a possible distance from your child. Conversely, it
also applies that the proximity search of your child is a
stand in the way for more distance as a parent and en-
sures that more distance can not succeed. The proximity
of the child blocks a possible distance from you towards
your child.

202

Your talking that activates the silence of your child, but
at  the  same  time  makes  sure  that  more  of  your child's
talking is not possible. Your talking blocks a possible talk
from your child. Conversely, the silence of your child is a
stand in the way of not talking to you. The silence of your
child blocks a possible silence from you.

Who comes first, what comes later
In mutual influence, you notice that you exert mutual in-
fluence on each other in the negative, so that a negative
and escalating spiral arises, or in the positive, so that a
positive and strengthening spiral can arise.

In this spiral you follow each other and you react to each
other.  Your child flees you, so you go after it. It's just the
same for your child. You go after your child, so the child
flees you.

To break this spiral, you can choose not to follow each
other, but take the lead yourself and you can also choose
not  to  respond  to  each  other,  but  prefer  to choose  an
'acting'  or  initiative.  Your  behavior starts  with  yourself,
with  something  that  you  choose.  My  child  always  runs
away  from  me,  so  I  always  walk  behind  it.  I  choose  to
walk in front and I do not go after my child to come back.
My child will increasingly be tempted to walk away from
their own experience, to stay and follow more and more.
Your  child  reacts,  you  act.  Your  child  follows,  you  take
the lead. In circular triggering processes, it is therefore

203

important to recognize who can be provoked and reac-
ted and who provokes and acts.

In the past, attention has not always been paid to who in
the first place provokes and who is provoked. Whoever
provokes colors immediately where it comes to turn. For
example, dominance and dependence, such as self-con-
fidence and uncertainty. Who finally set the tone? If it
is the dependency and insecurity of the child, then there
is a great risk of domination and self-confidence of pa-
rents. However, if the parents set the tone by their do-
minance and self-assurance and occupy the correspon-
ding place for the child, they may force their child into
complementary dependency and uncertainty. However,
if they leave room for their child, this can easily result in
a  symmetrical  dominance  and  self-confidence  in  the
child.

Whoever takes the lead or acts has more choice, for him
or her it is more wanted. Who follows or reacts has less
freedom of choice, for him or her it is made more so. For
example, anyone who compels and is not inclined to lis-
ten will possibly have to deal with someone who shows
increasing  resistance  and  resistance  even  if  the  latter
does not want it at all. However, his or her response will
promptly  provide  for  justice  and  instigation  of  more
coercion with less listening. From the second, his nega-
tive  sides  can  then  increasingly  be  addressed,  while  it

204

would never have come about in itself or in another con-
text. But this is provoked by the initial stubborn compul-
sion of the former.

Those who can

’t do something will ask for help from

those who can do something. The help offered can make
that  something  is  never  learned. The  weaknesses  are
maintained  by  the  strengths  of  the  other. The  weakest
takes the lead and makes the strongest respond.

Determining  who  takes  dominant  initiative  for  the  na-
ture of the circularity can also immediately explain why
undergoing  violence  or  abuse  of  the  child  can  not  be
seen  as  provocative,  but  its  the  parent,  and  the  child
does not have a share in this event.

Whereas in the first place everyone's reaction was a con-
sequence  of  what  preceded  as  a  cause,  everyone's
action can therefore become a means for what is aimed
at as a goal.   In this case, both can also take the lead and
responsibility together for what you want together. This
prevents both of them from falling victim to what both
do not want together.

Unfavorable unwanted (schema) activations
Someone lures it out or obliges you to activate a certain
schema  that  is  undesirable  for  yourself. A  schema  as  a
way  to  record,  observe  and  respond. In  a  relationship
this often happens mutual and escalating towards each

205

other. To an increasing degree, the intensity or the num-
ber  of  schemes  for  recording,  perception  and  reaction
are often unconsciously increased.

For example, in a parent-child relationship, a child goes
into  attack  and  tries  to  dominate,  so  that  the  parent
wants to defend himself and tries to restore the balance
of power in order to protect himself and keep the whole
thing  going.  This  may  provoke  more  attack  and  domi-
nance in the child. The parent may try to distance or re-
fuse  to  respond  to  reduce  the  impact  and  destructive-
ness,  potentially  allowing  the  child  to  try  to  hold  and
claim the parent more. Through the child, schemas, such
as sides and parts, are activated in the parent in such a
way  that  the  parent  himself  does  not  wish  at  all  and
spontaneously never would. The parent, however, must
follow the schema dance started by the child and stepped
up. It does this to keep it livable and working and not to
make it worse.  Both will easily have the impression that
the  other  person  started  and  is  the  basis  of  the  com-
pulsory schema dance.

Another  example,  a  child  easily  disposes  of  everything.
This obliges the parent to follow and keep everything in
order. Because the parent takes over and keeps an eye
on everything, the child makes it even easier, after all can
be counted on the parent. Two processes may occur here:
the child is incapable of independence or not yet capable
of doing so, and the activated schemes with the parent

206

do not promote autonomy in any way and may prevent
it. If serious problems are to be prevented and to remain
fully functional, the parent will have to keep the schemas
that have been provoked at his own will.

Possibly  a  combination  of  dominance  and  dependence
occurs. This is, for example, when a child demands that
the parent does everything. This creates a very difficult
situation for the parent. The parents will have to defend
themselves if they do not want to go down completely,
at the same time they will have to take great care. If it is
possible to defend itself by not automatically taking on
everything,  the  child  may  be  unwilling  to  notice  this,
which may lead to more demands and expectations to-
wards the parent. The parent has to activate his defense
and  give  continuous  caring,  which  he  does  not  really
want at all. Sometimes this is reinforced if the child de-
velops hostile feelings in response to what it thinks it is
experiencing. As a parent you will unwittingly end up in
the hostile camp from an activated divide : companion
or opponent, friend or foe. The child then tries to isolate
the parent by choosing party for others against the pa-
rent.

If this hostility adds to the foregoing, an even more com-
plex and contradictory situation arises: as an unwanted
opponent (due to hostility) the parent must then defend
himself (as a result of perceived dominance) in a situa-
tion of care (as a result of experienced self-reliance). .

210

Claim behavior,
demanding a lot of
attention

- "Mom, mom !  Look !'
- "Dad, may I?"
- "Mommy, what is this?
- "Daddy, come and help!"
- "Mom, mom, mom, is this right?"
- "Dad, do I get a piece too?"
- "Mom, I can not join."
- "Daddy, she teases me."
- "Mom, when are we going to grandmother?"
- "Mum, Dad, I'm hungry."

Every  parent  thinks  it's  okay  to  be  there  for  his  child.
Every parent thinks it's okay that his child calls on him or
her.  Every parent thinks it's okay

to give

the child

suffi-

cient attention.

Every child needs attention.

How to deal with it ?

211

This is no problem for parents.  The problem arises when
you, as a parent, have to be too much for your child, if it
appeals too much to you, demands too much attention.

This  too  much  is  very  subjective.    As  a  parent  you  can
quickly find something too much.  Or, at times yourself,
may already be heavily burdened, and so find something
easier too much.

For an important part, the feeling of asking a lot of atten-
tion has to do with yourself as a parent and not with your
child in the first place.  It feels as not pleasant for you, it
overloads you.

As soon as you feel overwhelmed, you will see if you can
not slow this down and how you could actually do this.

You will see if you can slow this down without neglecting
the needs of the child.

You want

to know exactly

which needs of the child are

the  basis  of  his  attention  questions  and  claims.    And
whether these are justified.

You also want to know which reaction, go into or against
your  child  and  helps  your  child  the  most.    In  the  long
term, help your child to get ahead by going into it, or help
your child by going against it or by not responding to it.

212

You can always take this into account in your response:

1. What does it mean for your child in the

short term

now;
2. What does it mean for your child in the

long term

later?

You can also always consider yourself in your response:

1. What means the situation of asking attention for you
now, can you handle it?
2. What means the situation of asking attention for you
in the long term, can you always respond in this way.

Make  sure  you  take  sufficient  notice  what  your  child

learns

from your reaction of what it can repeat in the

future.

Responding to what your child says or asks in a positive
way increases the chance or frequency of repetition of
your child's asking for attention.  If you respond negati-
vely or not, you reduce the chance or frequency of repe-
tition of your child's attention claims.

This  way  you  contribute  to  the  habitual  formation  of
more or fewer attention claims.

Do not react at first and eventually when your child con-
tinues to whine or makes trouble or threatens to make

213

fur, well, you risk to learn your child that it has to

persevere

or must insist to get a desired response from

you.

If you first react positively and afterwards no longer or
negatively, then you risk that your child will repeatedly
look  for  attention  with  short  interruptions  because  it
tries to get what he can now get before you change your
mind.

If you are changing in your reaction, then your child's at-
tention will easily be drawn to this.  His sense of it makes
sense or it does not, works lesser then.  By following up
and  thinking  about  the  situation,  he  wants  to  find  out
what he can or can not expect.

He will then easily

match

his attention-seeking behavior

to what he expects

. What he expects will also depend

on what you expect.  If you would like your child to claim
your  attention, this  can also  be  picked  up  by  the  child.
Your  child  who  is  also  responsible  for  the  atmosphere
and comfort of daily life.

Today,  a  child  takes  an  important  place  in  the  social
event for his parents.  A lot often comes to turn around
the child.  The child receives a lot of attention at the ta-
ble.  Parents talk with the child and what the child does
is often followed with attention.

214

Children can feel which place they occupy

and what

is expected of them.  They often enjoy the attention they
receive and the role they play in company.

What they say and do is often given full attention.  There
is also very often positive talk about the child.  This hap-
pens  in  terms  of  how  it  surprises  its  parents  and  what
effort they are willing to make to ensure the child's well-
being.

The  child  does  not  easily  get  the  feeling  that  when  he
reacts positive to this, it would be disruptive for his envi-
ronment.

Because  of  lots  of  attention  that  parents  give  to  the
child, they are also a model  for lots of attention that a
child gives to the parents.  As a child you can easily talk
with your parents because the parents talk a lot to you.

By giving a lot of attention as a parent, you indirectly pass
on the message that the child isn't standing alone, that
he can always turn to someone and that independence
is not something you expect immediately.

The  child  can  deal  with  this

implicit imaging

that you

provide.  And if he has a question or if he encounters a
difficulty,  he  immediately  can  turn  to  the  environment
for an answer or for help.

215

Because you want to be there as a parent for your child,
you do not easily say no. This means that your child will
also easily claim you because you usually go to your child
and agree.

You do not want to

come over as

the forbidding parent

who is strict and does not allow anything.  Or that autho-
ritarian conducts the child.  You prefer to listen to your
child  and  you  want  to  respond  to  him  and  if  possible
agree.

So you can count on the love of your child, you hope, and
do not have to deal with his hatred.  Love that now tran-
slates into joy with you and hatred that can be avoided
by not arousing the anger of your child here and now.

By being somewhat or very insecure as a parent about
being  loved  by  your  child,  you  can  also  easily  arouse
some

uncertainty

in your child. For example, whether

it is still loved by you as a child.  Your child can then ask
for attention by repeatedly asking for confirmation.

The child wants to know if everything is still in order, and
whether what is there now also has your approval.
As a parent you can notice that at certain moments and
times the claiming behavior of the child is stronger and
more frequent.

216

There may be differences that, in addition to the influ-
ence of the upbringing as described here, go back to the
temperament of the child. So one child requires more
attention or is more demanding than the other child.

If the attention-seeking and claiming behavior is tempo-
rary, it may be

related to the development phase

which the child is present.  For example, the one and a
half year old child can want to manifest and seek confir-
mation for him.  Likewise, the child may want to distance
himself  more  from  adolescence  and  want  to  stand  up
more and try to enforce this position if necessar.

If the size of the nuclear family is small, such as a child
alone, and if the social network is limited, because there
is  little  contact  and  interaction  with  the  environment,
then the pressure of the child mainly comes to the few
members  of  the  family  and  the  small  network.    So the
child  comes  very  quickly  over  as  a  lot  and  very  questi-
oning person.

The restrictive attitude from the

small immediate en-

vironment

is then hardly compensated by a broader en-

vironment  that  allows  more  room  for  maneuver.    The
restraining attitude then very quickly triggers a rebuttal
in  the  child  who  is  characterized  by  fighting  indepen-
dency.  With the awakened attitude not to stop until this
is achieved.

217

If you come too quickly as a parent to comfort or reas-
sure the child, the child also expects your intervention.
He will then make little effort to do so himself if it ends
up in that situation.

As a parent, you can best pay attention to your child and
respond when the child starts to settle down or reassure
himself.  Wait until the child is calmer than before and
reassures  himself  before  you  react.    Knowing  how  to
posphone satisfaction and calm and comfort oneself are

important skills that reduce attention demands

If you constantly go against your child because it does
something that you do not want, the child can gradually
become accustomed to this

negative attention

from

you.    At  your  limitation,  at  your  judgment,  to  your  re-
mark, to your reproach.

The  child  may  unwittingly  provoke  the  same  reaction
from you at other times.  This is because at those times
it feels like something is missing so often, namely your
comments and your reaction.

By  expressing  your  displeasure  at  what  your  child  says
and does, there is a chance that your dissatisfaction also
arouses displeasure in your child.  You are then on a

ne-

gative track

. You want to slow down your child by ex-

pressing your displeasure, and your child is trying to do

218

the same thing to you.  Namely slow you down in your
displeasure by annoying you.

The result, however, is easily a mutually increasing and
escalating  displeasure.    What  is  activated  in  you  acti-
vates something similar in your child.  As if you turn on
each other.  With your emotional expression you infect
your child unwillingly.

A child who gets a lot of attention can keep this attention
going, out of fear that an end would come on it.

He wants to know if he can still count on your attention,
and

constantly

tries

to assure himself

by demanding

your attention and seeing if nothing has changed yet.

In  the  past,  the  child  may  have  gained  the  experience
that he did not receive attention and was left to himself.
He does not want to experience it again.  Hence a cons-
tant check to see if he can count on your attention.

As a parent you do not like the claiming behavior of your
child.  You actually want to go against this and take your
child

the lead

or his over-share. The child easily feels

that you are not favorable to his claiming behavior.

For that reason, it is possible through his constant atten-
tion seeking to ascertain himself whether he still has the
say and you have not taken it over from him or her.

219

Similarly, the birth of a brother or a sister can mean that
he looses a part of the attention of his parents.

The child can then become insecure about

his or her

position

and by looking for attention seeking trying to

know where it stands.  It may possibly have to try to cut
back or undo attention parts.

By  providing  the  child  with  clarity  and  certainty  that  it
will be able to receive sufficient attention, it can be pre-
vented  that  the  child  has  to  found  out  or  has  to  try to
reduce the shared attention.

Often, claiming will become worse at the time the child
fears being confronted with loss.  He wants to get some-
thing or does not want to do something and notices that
this will not work out.  By putting more strength, he still
hopes to achieve its right or advantage.

As  a  parent  you  can  try

to inform

your child

in time

about  what  is  going  to  happen,  so  that  it can  take  this
into account and can already adjust to it or get used to
it.  You can then appeal to your child to go into this and
you can then make appointments.  "You can be strong!"
"How great you are that you can it alone !'    "If you listen,
you may tomorrow." And so on.

It may be possible that you have adjusted your child or
banned  something,  that  your  child's  attention  seeking

220

mean so much as an attempt to undo this or to discou-
rage you from repeating this again.

His nagging attention seeking is the

price

you have to

pay if you deny something or ask for something.

It may not be about attention seeking, but rather about
giving

attention

. It may possible not be about unlear-

ning you something.  On the contrary, attention seeking
may have to do with an attempt to abandon your expec-
tation.

You  can  be  deduced  by  the  attention  you  get.    The
kindness of your child, wants to do away your reaction
or your requirement.  If I am so kind to you, you can not
refuse me anything.

A child tends to use a more extreme way when as a pa-
rent you do not want something or just want something.
As a parent, you can make clear what you accept or re-
ject of how a child respond or react.  What you want to
pay  attention  to  and  to  what  not,  without  what  you
agree.  "If you calm down, I want to listen, without auto-
matically agreeing."    "If you stop cursing, we can take a
look at what makes it so difficult for you."    "I notice that
you're having a hard time, maybe it can help if we try to
figure out which feelings are going on in you."

221

Afterwards  or  in  advance  if  your  child  is  calm  and  re-
laxed, you can raise a difficulty and make clear what is
possible and what is not possible, what you expect in this
context and what you do not want.

Because your child is more relaxed and not immediately
confronted  with  the  difficulty,  there  will  be  less  resis-
tance and it will be easier to develop willingness and mo-
tivation to accept your proposal.

As a parent, you can not always immediately enforce be-
havioral  change.    Usually  this  happens

step by step

over a certain amount of time.  Small changes are usually
more acceptable for your child.

By setting up your own step-by-step approach and reac-
ting differently, you can progressively take small steps in
the more desired direction.  A power struggle often ac-
companied  by  escalation  on  both  sides  can  thus  be
avoided.

As a parent you can make sure that you are not the only
one who can give attention to your child, but that other
adults and also other children can do this for your child.

If a child has a playmate or has another child to talk to,
giving attention and responding to your child is more di-
vided.

222

At certain times in certain situations they can

give pre-

ference to

others than yourself. This can make you

temporarily relieved.

Some children are busier, they are more sensitive to sti-
muli  from  their  environment  and  respond  faster  and
more, sometimes quite impulsively.

Other children need more stimuli and a need to be ac-
tive.

As a parent you can take this into account, that this be-
longs to

their nature

and has little to do with unwilling-

ness and being not susceptible.

As  a  parent  you  can  pay  attention  that  not  everything
has to go through you.  If others are available or if the
child can already do something independently, you can
make it clear to your child how he can do without you.

In this way you run less risk of being overloaded.  Instead
of focusing his attention on you, the child

will focus his

attention

on the situation and on who else can possibly

help.

As a parent you can pay attention to

circular proces-

ses

: the more you give attention and help, the more the

child may need attention and help. The more your child

223

needs attention and help, the more inclined you will be
to respond to this.

By  dosing  your  attention  a  bit  more,  the  child  can  get
used to less attention.  Because he can be more in him-
self, you can dose the attention you give yourself.

Give your child

an alternative

for his attention seeking

to you.  What could he do instead of your input.

Could he, for example, just try or do it?    Would some-
one else have time to explain or help ?  And who then?
Make sure that this alternative is valuable and feasible.

As  a  parent,  you  can

provide sufficient

time for

pre-

ventive attention

in the context of 'quality time' toge-

ther. Here you can pay attention to each child indivi-
dually, but you can also set yourself up so that you pay
attention to the group of children, so that each one ex-
periences it as if addressed.

Indicate your

own needs

as a parent. Make it clear to

your  child  that  as  you  also  give  some  attention  to  his
needs, you also want room for your needs.  "Our mum
has no time now."    "Dad, takes a break."

224

Also indicate the

needs of others

as just as legitimate

as  your  child's.    "There  must  be  something  for  every-
one."  'Everybody has to have their turn, later on it will
be your turn again.'

Consider

your own experiences

as a child. Did you get

a lot of attention, or just very little.  Do you want to offer
your child the same, or do you want to make it possible
for your child what you missed?    Do you respond from
yourself or from what your child needs?

   What can I              What can I              What can I
   do more ?                  do less?                     do it differently?

225

I walk behind,
I walk ahead.
What can coaching
do for me ?

As  a  young  person,  being  with  peers  is  an  important
thing  for  you. It  is  also  quite  a  challenge  at  the  same
time. As a youngster you can be more at the front of the
peloton of peers and it costs you less effort. As a young
person,  you  may  also  feel  that  you  are  more  in  the
back. This can be very stressful. Especially because more
and  more  support  centers  are  disappearing. Confirma-
tion and valuations are then easily missing. Sympathetic
expressions  or  jealous  glances  of  peers  can  not  be  no-
ticed.  Instead, comes worried looks or impatience from
alarmed adults.

As a young person, much is still a dream to realize.

With discovering how to make this happen, via
which roads and with the help of what and who, you
can help yourself.
YOUTH THEME

226

The risk then is that you tend to flee or crawl away, or
that you get stuck and do not progress or want to stop,
that you do not want to face your future and possibly dis-
tance  yourself,  and  you  do  something  unrealistic  that
has no opportunities. Or that you do not get any more
opportunities, and no one can find anyone who still be-
lieves in you and wants to invest in you.

There is a risk that you will easily merge everything, so
that little movement is possible.  And there is gradually a
negative image forming, on both sides: because they no
longer believe in you, you do not believe in yourself any-
more and no longer in them.

However, it can be a good idea to look at what you are
in, or even in advance, and what you are not in or even
in reverse with. And for which someone will still give cre-
dit for you, or you still want to offer the other credit.

Through  this  more  nuanced  and  focused  approach,  at-
tention and work points can be recognized. Can gaps be
established  for  which  bridges  can  be  sought  and  thus
overcome barriers. Can strong points be found that can
be further developed, or that can be used. At the same
time, you can try to recognize existing opportunities and
learn to use them better and you can identify and avoid
pitfalls and stumbling blocks.

227

Especially  as  a  young  person,  it  is  always  important  to
take  a  next  step  in  your  development. Starting  from
where you are, entering the zone of  proximal develop-
ment, reaching for something on a level one step higher
than  you  are  on. Without  being  pressurized  or  putting
yourself under pressure. Without coming into great ten-
sion by having to or want to skip a step.

To make this optimally possible, longer-term follow-up is
desirable. Young people can be taught to take part in this
follow-up and to draw up and fill in their own life plan,
or young people can be taught to call on others where
necessary. Others who are willing and (perhaps better)
able to see the strengths and weaknesses of a young per-
son,  not  to  judge  them,  but  to  find  ways  to  acquire
skills. And especially in order to develop further what the
young person is good at. To this end, the young person
helps to discern and utilize existing opportunities, and to
help create desirable opportunities for this in the envi-
ronment.

For you as a young person much is still virtual and reali-
zable. It is worth discovering how to make this realistic,
by  means  of  which  roads  and  how  to  take  care  of  this
yourself if possible and to follow this up.

If you are unable to do this yourself as a young person,
the use of a supervisor or coach who can offer a follow-
up in the longer term can contribute to this in a favorable

228

way. This coach can be found as a young person in your
environment. One  or  both  parents  may  be  able  to  in-
clude  this. But  also  others,  professionals  may  be  invol-
ved  here  as  a  learning  path  counselor. Without, howe-
ver, posing a threat or exerting pressure, but to see op-
portunities  that  are  there  and  to  make  optimal  use  of
them, so that you can better come to your right in your
environment and come more to yourself.

As a young person, you are very willing to train a lot and
practice for your future later. You want thoroughly pre-
pare yourself to succeed in reality and then to be suffi-
ciently  armed  and  to  have  gained  sufficient  expe-
rience. Question  may  not  be  so  much  how  you  as  a
young  person  motivate  you  to  do  this,  but  to  examine
how you as a young person may have lost this motiva-
tion.

By  taking  the  step  yourself  and  indicating  how  a  confi-
dential counselor can help you, a patronizing and forced
intervention  can  be  avoided. As  a  young  person  you
want to be able to choose and take steps, or at least ex-
plore and learn. This does not alter the fact that an adult
could  be  helpful  and  would  support  you,  so  that  your
self-initiative  and  autonomy  are  sufficiently  res-
pected. An  adult  where  you  can  feel  safe  and  you  feel
that it really is all about you. It helps you to see yourself
and your surroundings better and to speak to and to pick
sides in you and to help you take consecutive steps.

231

explained  theoretically. The  parenting  situation  for  the
practical examples is always the same elaborate eating
situation, both for you and your partner as parent, and
for your child.

In this way you learn about what cognitions are as a men-
tal  unit  and  how  you  can  use  them  when  raising  your
child. In this way you also gain insight into the place of
cognition  in  the  behavioral  cycle  or course  as  a unit  of
parent-child interaction.

1. Practice
YOU AS A PARENT
This is happening
Iris  constantly  walks  away  from  the  table  during  the
meal.
We do not respond directly to what occurs.
For us, these are the original behavioral conditions.
What is and happens are behavioral conditions.

This is what you do (as perception behavior)
You try to find out what is going on by watching and lis-
tening.
We first try to know how we interpret what is occurring.
We respond to behavioral conditions with input or input
behavior.
What you do is your behavior.

232

This is what you make of it
Iris is as busy as ever for you. She is a busy child.
We want to know with what recognizable what occurs.
Our recording behavior activates appropriate cognitions
for imaging.
What you make of it are behavioral processes.

This is what you do (as reaction behavior)
You ask Iris to be more calm and to stay at the table.
We do not respond to what happens, but to the cogni-
tion of it with accompanying feelings and beliefs.
Our cognitions direct the executive or output behavior
for reaction formation.

This is happening
Iris wobbles back and forth on her chair in her attempt
to remain seated.
Our response causes changed behavioral conditions.

YOUR PARTNER AS A PARENT
This is happening
Iris constantly walks away from the table during the
meal.

This is what your partner does (as perception behavior)
Your partner wonders if she will start again.

This is what your partner makes of it

233

Iris  can  not  listen  to  your  partner  as  usual. She  is
headstrong.

This is what your partner does (as reaction behavior)
Your  partner  says  she  should  not  have  a  dessert  if  she
can not listen.

This is happening
Iris  is  crying  on  her chair. She did her best  and did not
understand the consequences.

BEHAVIOR PROCESSES

BEHAVIORAL CONDITIONS

BEHAVIOR

schemas

reality

perception
behavior

doing

reaction
behavior

BEHAVIORAL CYCLE

this is what you make of it

this is what you do

this is happening

234

2. Theory
In our example, we notice Iris wobbling quietly and Iris
wailing aloud after she left the table earlier: THE BEHA-
VIOR CONDITIONS

The  difference  between  wobbling  and  weeping  is  for-
med by seeing Iris as busy or seeing Iris as headstrong. As
a parent or educator you can usually not directly change
the  child  and  his  behavior. You  can  change  the  image
you form of the child and his behavior: THE BEHAVIOR
PROCESSES

By activating another cognition about the child and what
it does, you can activate another reaction yourself. This
reaction (encouraging or punishing) is controlled by your
cognition (busy or self-centered). This reaction gives the
child the opportunity to respond differently: THE BEHA-
VIOR

A cognition is what you know, as you know it.  In other
words, it is very personal.
Cognitions are stored in the form of cognitive schemes,
as ready-to-use knowledge and doing packages.
Cognitive  schemes  contain  not  only  an  informative
knowledge. They also contain a feeling and a view. They
also indicate direction and interaction.
The creation of an appropriate cognitive schema is based
on  triggers  that  are  present  in  the  behavioral  condi-

235

tions. These  observed  data  from  the  behavioral  condi-
tions ensure that the most appropriate cognitive schema
in you is activated.
For you this was the being busy of the child, based on the
many distractions.
For your partner it was not listening, based on his pre-
vious comments.
Being  busy  involves  very  different  feelings,  a  different
opinion and a different reaction than non-listening.
You  can  also  create  a  cognitive  schema  yourself  based
on what you know or found out.
For example, it may be useful to know that the child is,
for example, of nature busy. It does not mean not to lis-
ten, but easily gives too little attention.

3. Practice
YOUR CHILD
This is happening
You ask to be calm and to stay at the table in a quiet way.
A child does not respond directly to what you say or do.
For  the  child,  these  are  the  original  behavioral  condi-
tions.

This is what your child does (as perception behavior)
The child tries to find out what is expected.
A  child  first  tries  to  find  out  the  meaning  and  the  pur-
pose.
The  child  responds  to  further  information  about  beha-
vioral circumstances.

236

This is what your child makes of it
If something is said quietly, it allows attention and arou-
ses this willingness.
Something is awakened in the child.
This information matches the child with an existing co-
gnition.

This is what your child does (as reaction behavior)
The child tries to remain seated and to slow down.
On the basis of what is awakened in the child, is respon-
ded.
The activated cognition conducts its response.

This is happening
As a parent, you show satisfaction.
The child does not react to what is said, but to what this
awakens in the child.
His reaction works out for you and forms the changed
behavioral condition.

YOUR CHILD AND YOUR PARTNER

This is happening
You ask yourself in a busy way, incredibly, whether
change is possible.

This is what your child does (as perception behavior)
The child wonders what you mean by this and why you
say something like that.

237

This is what your child makes of it
The child's insecurity is awakened as well as his feeling
of inability.

This is what your child does (as reaction behavior)
From  his  excited  inability  the  child  gives  up  and  bursts
into tears.

This is happening
As  a  parent  you show  disappointment  with  this repeti-
tion of unwillingness.

4. Theory
What you say or do as a parent or educator (your ques-
tion or judgment) can make the behavioral condition for
the child, sometimes more than the situation for which
it is placed (stay in place): THE BEHAVIOR CONDITIONS

Experiencing yourself as being addressed or failing is the
cognition  to  which  the  child  responds,  rather  of  what
you say or do directly.The child generates this cognition
based on what you say or do: THE BEHAVIOR PROCESSES

By allowing the child to activate another cognition, it can
react  differently,  also  emotionally. This  reaction  (exer-
ting or giving up) is driven by its cognition (prepared or
powerless). This reaction gives you as a parent or educa-
tor the opportunity to react differently: THE BEHAVIOR

239

A COGNITION

= SMALLEST KNOWLEDGE UNIT

                            = SOMETHING I KNOW -> information
                               LIKE I KNOW IT (ON MY MANNER)
                                                         -> feelings + thoughts

for example : cognition CHILD (vulnerable, cute, dependent)

COGNITIVE SCHEMA

= KNOWLEDGE PACKAGE

= COLLECTION OF ASSOCIATED COGNITIONS
(OR UNITS OF KNOWLEDGE)

for example : knowledge package CHILD
                        a child is young
                                     is in development
                                     is not independent
                                     is playful
                                     is distractible
                                     is influencable
                                   is part of a communion
                                     is part of the future

SCHEMAS

= KNOWLEDGE STRUCTURE

                       OR KNOWLEDGE NETWORK
                    = MAKES IT POSSIBLE TO ORGANIZE
                       AND INTERPRET INFORMATION

Helps to cope in a fast way with lots of information from
the environment.
They are and function as shortcuts.

They make use of part-whole relations : parts refers to the
whole, and vice-versa a whole refers to its parts

for example : young and playful refers to CHILD
CHILD refers to young and playful

241

He described it here for perception as both perceptual
and reactive behavior (see inner zone graphic represen-
tation). The model depicts how cognition influences per-
ceptual exploration, but is in turn modified by real-world
experience, creating a cycle of cognition, attention, per-
ception,  and  the  real  world  in  which  each  influences
each other.

However, as can be seen graphically, the model can be
extended and applied to any behavior in which percep-
tion  and  response  are  integrated  (see  out-of-zone
graphical representation).

The model was recently amended by Plant and Stanton
for use in an artificial intelligence context.

Neisser,  U.  (1976). Cognition and  reality:  Principles  and
implications of cognitive psychology. San Francisco: W.H.
Freeman.

242

Cognitive schemas

and parenting

1.  Development of cognitive schemas that are very
      meaningful
Parents do not think about how their child develops cog-
nitive schemas based on their existing aptitude, their up-
bringing and their own experience, which are very mea-
ningful for how it perceives something and for how it re-
acts to something and deals with something.  Parents do
not think about how much their child has to fill cognitive
schemas  to  know  and  understand  what  things  in  their
environment  look  like  and  how  they  can react  emotio-
nally  and  judiciously  and  can  deal  with  them  behavi-
orally. Parents  do  not  think  about  how  children  use

The development of the child is accompanied by the
development of cognitive schemas.

In the upbringing, the child can be helped with the
construction and filling of cognitive schemas.

243

these  cognitive  schemas  constantly  to  know  and  esti-
mate things and to determine how to react emotionally
and judgmentally themselves and to interact with them
in a behavioral way.  Parents do not realize how impor-
tant it is for their child to be able to read each other or a
situation. To learn which knowledge schemes to activate
with whom or in which situation. Like with whom can I
feel safe, when is a situation unsafe. Can I read if some-
one or a situation comes across as safe or unsafe? What
am I supposed to understand about what someone says
or does? What meaning should I give to a situation. But
also being able to read  what has been activated in the
other  person  or  has  been  activated  in  a  situation.    Pa-
rents do not think about how their child can be disabled
so  certain  cognitive  schemas  are  lacking  or  little  deve-
loped,  or  distorted,  inappropriate  or  unusable,  or  very
dominant or rigidly present.

Recent research at Northwestern University shows that
a three-month-old child can already distinguish what is
equal  from  what  is  different.  Something crucial for  the
development of cognitive schemas. If first paired things
shown are the same, it will continue to look longer when
it is suddenly shown something unequal. Or vice versa, if
the  succession  of  unequal  being  followed  by  what  is
equal,  it  will  continue  to  look  on  for  longer.  In  other
words, even before the development of the understan-
ding of language, the relationship can be recognized as

244

equal and unequal and thus the child can make a distinc-
tion between what belongs or goes together and what
does not.

Parents can indirectly understand the meaning of these
cognitive schemas for their child when they notice how
very curious and active their child can be to get to know
everything,  not  only  in  what  it  is,  but  also  in  what  it
means to the child and how it can be handled. Parents
can indirectly see the meaning of these schemas when
they  determine  how  unrealistic  their  child  may  be  and
against any reality or healthy judgment in do things that
in this situation here and now and at this age are not at
all suitable or useful for their child.

Parents often do not notice how much they are doing to
fill  the  content  of  their  child's  cognitive  schemas. How
they do that by being a model in what is right for them,
in what something means to them emotionally and ra-
tionally and in what their association means. How they
do that in their reaction to what is right for their child, in
what something means to their child emotionally and ra-
tionally and in what it means for their child. How they do
this in informing and instructing their child about what
something could or should be for him, what something
could or should mean for him and what the child's way
of being could or should be.

245

According to research from Northwestern University, for
babies who learn their first words, the way in which so-
mething is mentioned determines the method of coding,
representation and memory. The designation can repre-
sent a category, for example a dog, or it can indicate so-
mething unique, such as this is Max. If the same name is
consistently  used  for  a  series  of  observation  objects,
then  mainly  common  characteristics,  for  example,  pet
and bark, are stored, rather than what distinguishes the
observation  objects.  When  a  unique  name  is  used,  the
unique characteristics are stored, for example, scar and
collar with dog's name. Naming a series of different indi-
vidual objects with the same noun invites babies to form
object categories based on what is in common, without
regard to differences. It invites the child to focus on what
is similar and less on what is unique about an object of
observation.

When the same name is consistently applied to a range
of objects, babies mainly encode their common charac-
teristics.  In  contrast,  when  a  unique  name  is  given  to
each observation object, babies encode the unique cha-
racteristics of each object. The method of encoding ob-
jects of observation in memory and retrieving them later
is  fundamental  to  human  cognition  and  arises  in  child-
hood.

The  manner  of  naming  objects,  even  if  only  once,  can
have a lasting impact on how babies encode an object,

246

remember it, and reproduce it from memory. Thus, na-
ming a series of different individual observation objects
with the same noun invites babies to form an object ca-
tegory.

2. The what of cognitive schemas
What are cognitive schemas then?   They form the way
in  which  the  environmental  reality  is  stored  in  our
minds. Both  reality  as  we  know  them,  as  reality  as  we
sense  and  estimate  them,  as  our  dealings  with  the
known, sensed and perceived reality. These knowledge
components are stored in knowledge packages that we
have about the most diverse realities.  These knowledge
packages form the cognitive or inner schemas.

The learning of categories as knowledge packages, such
as colors, shapes and objects, happens initially pre-ver-
bal with the infant without words. This pre-verbal visual
category knowledge is then used to discover word mea-
nings, such as names for colors, shapes and objects. This
was recently found by researchers at Birkbeck University
of London and Central European University. Differences
between young children in the development of visual ca-
tegory  learning  help  to  understand  the  difference  in
speed of language acquisition. For example, difficult ca-
tegory learning in children with autism can help explain
the slower vocabulary development.

247

The cognitive schemes are constantly supplemented and
modified on the basis of information obtained and of ac-
quired  experience.These  cognitive  schemes  are  con-
stantly  used  to  know,  to  feel,  to  estimate  and  to  deal
with just about everything that we have to deal with.You
could say that about half of our behavior is at the service
of cognitive schema building and the other half for cog-
nitive schema use.Cognitive schemes form the best pos-
sible representation of the realities for us based on what
we record. From the multitude of realities we try to de-
duce a somewhat stable concept of understanding that
this  variety  clearly  carries  within  itself,  without  being
confused by it. To this end, cognitive schemes will make
use  of  either  the  named  realities  themselves  in  simpli-
city,  but  also  their  symbolized  representations  by indi-
rectness, to regularities and rules at great complexity.

An example, a child wants to know exactly who his pa-
rents are. Thus it will try to deduce from the multitude of
behaviors  of  the  parents  how  they  are. In  the cognitive
scheme of your child, you will thus find whether you are
sweet  or  impatient,  or  there  is  regularity  in  it,  usually
sweet,  exceptionally  impatient. The child  may also stop
rules in his schema : what is my mommy or daddy, what
is my mum or daddy not, how is mommy or daddy, how
is mommy or daddy not ? If you are like that, you are the
sweet mum or dad, if you are different, you are the im-
patient mommy or daddy for your child.

248

Cognitive  schemas  also  provide  the  best  possible  res-
ponse and interaction with the proposed realities based
on  information  and  experience. From  the  multitude  of
possible  reactions  we  try  to  derive  a  somewhat  stable
behavioral fulfillment that implies the best possible reac-
tion intuitively and judiciously for ourselves and involves
the best possible interaction with the environment.

An example, a child will react emotionally and judgmen-
tally in a completely different way to the sweet mother
or dad and will deal with it very differently than with the
impatient  mom  or  dad. The  child  is  happy  and  relaxed
when it meets his preference. It is inclined to cooperate
and respond to what the parents expect. A child who is
confronted  with  the  activated  cognitive  schema  of  the
impatient mum or dad will be rather angry and tensed at
his aversion. It will be more inclined to counteract and, in
this way, not want to show off the parental expectations,
unless the parents switch to their dear way of being and
allow him to activate an appropriate cognitive schema.

Cognitive  schemas  form  so  implicit  syntheses  that  are
continuously  used  to  know  and  deal  with  encountered
realities : the conceptualization or concept filling as the
best possible representation, the behavioral filling as the
best  possible  emotional  and  judgmental  reaction  for
oneself  and  the  best  possible  interactive  interac-
tion. Realities  are  constantly  compared  with  already

249

developed cognitive schemas and thus known and reco-
gnized. At the same time these schemes are constantly
being  supplemented  or  adjusted. From  the  cognitive
schemas  reality  is  then  approached,  so  that  someone
can react emotionally and rationally and can deal with it.
These reactions are also supplemented and adjusted on
the basis of experiences.

For example, a child will easily recognize familiar adults
on  the  basis  of  the  comparison  and  found  agreement
with his already developed facial schemas. The activated
schemes can be supplemented and adjusted so that small
changes  can  occur. My  mother,  that  is  brown  hair,  but
also red hair. My dad, that is without, but also with pier-
cing. For example, a child will respond differently in the
presence  of  unfamiliar  adults  and  come  to  other  inter-
actions. The child may be scared and inconvenienced, it
keeps distance. After all, the new adults do not fit into an
already  developed  cognitive  facial  schema,  but  fit  into
the cognitive scheme stranger that is activated with res-
tlessness and distance as a result.

3. Building cognitive schemas
Children  and  also  we  needs  cognitive  schemas  very
much  to  deal  with  the  surrounding  realities  with  more
precision and more ease. To this end, it is necessary for
the  child  to  build  up  and  fill  in  his  cognitive  schemes,
both  in  terms  of  what,  the  concept  filling,  the  way  in

250

which, the behavior filling and the where and when, the
context filling.

For example, babies discover very early that mouth and
food goes together and hard objects, such as glasses or
smartphone goes with the senses, such as eyes and ears.
Thus a movement or action forms the basis for the beha-
vioral concept and the evolving schema behavioral filling.
This was ascertained because the child continues to look
longer  when,  unexpected,  food  was  not  brought  to  the
mouth  and  glasses  were  brought  to  the  ear  or  the
smartphone to the eyes.

Completion of the concept arises on the basis of noticed
patterns. Behavioral infill is created on the basis of disco-
vered rules. Context completion finally goes back to es-
tablished regularities. These progressively observed pat-
terns,  rules  and  regularities  together  form  developing
schemes.

For  example,  from  the  adult  visual  cortex  is  known  to
contain two regions that work together to process per-
ceived faces and two more regions that work together to
process places. Research at Emory University now found
that already in infants, the two areas of the visual cortex
associated with facial processing, and the two networks
associated  with  sites,  fired  synchronously.  These  infant
patterns were similar to those in adults, although not as
strongly. The visual and site networks of the brain were

251

connected within a few days of birth and talked to each
other. This finding suggests that there is room for these
networks from an early age to tune in better and better.
Babies'  brains  seem  wired  for  specialized  tasks  such  as
seeing faces and seeing places so that specific patterns
of brain activity are possible. The baby brain then essen-
tially  waits  for the  relevant  information for  its  progres-
sive processing. This may explain why a baby's gaze is fo-
cused on faces right from birth.

Another  example,  recent  research  by  the  University  of
Washington  shows  that  toddlers  from  17  months  are
able  to  recognize  social  dominance  (what). They  know
where  to  see  who  in  a  group  is  dominant  (where  and
when)  and  know  how  to  commit  to  receiving  more  re-
wards (how).

In  the  development  of  a  knowledge  scheme  as

knowledge structure

, it can be established that first

mainly declarative knowledge is developed (the concept
interpretation: what something is and what to do), then
especially the procedural knowledge (the interpretation
of  behaviour:  how  something  is  and  how  to  do  some-
thing)  and  finally  especially  conditional  or  conditional
knowledge (the context interpretation: where and when
something  is  and  where  and  when  something  is  to  be
done). When a child, for example, becomes acquainted
with  a  game,  he  successively  discovers  what  is  there,
how  something  happens  and  where  and  when.  At  the

252

same time, it successively discovers what it should do,
how in what way, where and when as the best choice or
option. You could say that each time the form and con-
tent of the knowledge already present is converted into
a different form and content. The what is then converted
into the how and then into the where and when.

The child spontaneously puts a lot of effort into building
cognitive schemas: his outspoken curiosity, being conti-
nuously involved in a playful exploration, asking questi-
ons and asking why. These are ways of realizing this con-
ceptual and behavioral filling of cognitive schemas that
is necessary for the child.

Recent research from Ohio University shows that child-
ren four to five years old would rather explore than re-
ceive rewards. They explore a major driving force during
early childhood, of more importance than immediate re-
wards. They seem motivated in the first place by the in-
formation obtained from research. It helps them make
the world work.

It's not just running around aimlessly, opening drawers
and cupboards, and picking up random objects, as adults
easily think. Their exploration and investigation are not
random at all, but are done systematically to make sure
not to miss anything. The seemingly unpredictable beha-
vior of children at this age strongly resembles an urge to
store information.

253

Children apparently go through a stage where systema-
tic exploration is one of their primary goals rather than
being motivated by rewards.

The child also is using his developing sense of probability
in building cognitive schemas. The presence of a sense
of probability is necessary for the development of cogni-
tive  schemes.  Recent  research  at  the  Max  Planck  Insti-
tute shows that six month old babies are already able to
make generalizations based on limited information. The
brain does this by using probable information to direct
its own actions based on established regularities in the
environment.  The  brain  records  which  situations  and
events are more likely to occur than others and are the-
refore more likely. This may concern their coherence or
their succession. This is to estimate their occurrence to-
gether or sequentially.

Infants who, early in their development, even from the
age of 6 months, have the ability to process new infor-
mation  and  make  associations  with  other  information
and expand their knowledge this way, achieve a higher
degree of development, according to recent research at
the Case Western Reserve University.

The  young  child  has  a  built-in  learning  strategy. Babies
don't randomly explore the world around them, but stra-

254

tegically. They select and focus on information that ena-
ble them to learn faster and more efficiently, and they
prefer to focus on that. Instead, what they see as what
doesn't help them learn, they ignore. They therefore fo-
cus on what learns them the most. Babies are thus pro-
bably the best learners imaginable. This all was recently
shown in a study by the Donders Institute for Brain, Cog-
nition and Behavior, by means of eye tracking.

Cognitive  schemas  can  refer  to  situations,  but  also  to
events. In the first case it is what is, in the second case it
is a course. The cognitive schema then refers to the co-
herence between what is: it indicates a causal relations-
hip, the second as a result of the first, or it indicates an
instrumental connection, the first that results in the se-
cond.

Also  for  this  dynamic  coherence  included  in  cognitive
schemas, the child makes a lot of effort to get to know
them better. It questions how something has arisen. For
example, what made my mum impatient. It also goes for
itself  how  it  can  create  something  itself. For  example,
how do I make my mum sweet. These cognitive schemes
will  also  regularly  be  used  by  the  child  to  influence  his
environment or bring about change.

Cognitive schemas can also refer to people.  Himself or
herself, meaningful persons from the world and the re-
lationship  between  themselves  and  others. Who  they

255

are and how to respond and deal with. How both relate
to each other and what causal or instrumental connec-
tion there is.

For  example, newborns have  a preference  for orienting
themselves toward faces in their natural visual environ-
ment.  This  indicates  that  the  mechanisms  underlying
orienting  and  moving  faces  with  direct  gaze  also  facili-
tate  activation  of  relevant  cortical  regions  in  young  in-
fants,  providing  an  important  foundation  for  the emer-
ging  social  brain.  There  would  be  a  rapid  subcortical
pathway for face detection triggered by a face (or eye)
like phase contrast pattern within a bounded area. In this
way, the baby brain would absorb information about the
social world and process it into social cognition, which it
can then use in its social interaction.

Another example, who am I to myself, I love myself and I
value myself,  how attentive  and caring  I am  about  my-
self. Who is my mother, what feelings does she raise and
how  much  does  she  mean  for  me,  how  do  I  deal  with
her? What is the relationship between the two of us, how
does it feel and how important is it for me, what kind of
interaction does it take.

All  this  information  is  implicitly  stored  in  the  cognitive
schemas of the child and is used as a matter of course
and therefore often less consciously when assessing and
dealing  with  situations,  events  and  people. They  form

256

the best possible wholes as an undertone in what is the
predominant  here  and  now. They  provide  a  solid  basis
for the concrete action of the child.

4. Perception and cognitive schemas
Every  perception  is  carried  by  cognitive  schemas  as  a
comparison  of  what  the  child  hears,  sees  or  feels  with
what has already been acquired by schemes. The result
is that a scheme is applicable or applies in a new situa-
tion, something that is included in the scheme or assimi-
lated  to  the  scheme  so  that  it  remains  confirmed. The
result  can  also  mean  that  something  is  not  included  in
the scheme, but is split off, or that the scheme is chan-
ged so that it is accommodated. In assimilation, the co-
gnitive schema applies more broadly, with accommoda-
tion  the  schema  becomes  more  limited.    For  example,
research  shows  that  children  are  looking  at  something
longer  if  something  does  not  meet  their  expectations.
This information is used by researchers to gain more in-
sight into inner processes, for example in children who
do not yet master the language. In this way they acquire
insights  into  activated  thoughts  and  feelings  of  these
children.

To  illustrate,  recent  neuroscience  research  at  Dresden
University  of  Technology  suggests  that  someone  hears
what he or she expects to hear. Previous research has al-
ready shown that the cerebral cortex continuously makes
predictions  about  what  will  happen,  and  that  neurons

257

responsible for sensory processing code differences bet-
ween predictions made and actual reality. It now appears
that not only the cerebral cortex, but also the entire au-
ditory path represents sounds according to previous ex-
pectations. This fits with the more general theory of sen-
sory processing that describes perception as a process of
hypothesis  testing.  Predictive  coding  assumes  that  the
brain is constantly activating predictions about what the
surrounding  world  will  look  like,  sound,  feel,  and  smell,
and  that  neurons  only  process  the  differences  between
these predictions and the actual physical world. The pre-
viously established subjective beliefs about the surroun-
ding reality thus appear to play a decisive role in how the
perceived reality is processed and understood.

Every  feeling-  and  judgment-response  is  carried  by  co-
gnitive  schemas. The  activated  schema  evokes  asso-
ciated feelings and stored judgments.

Every  interactive  dealing  is  supported  by  cognitive
schemes. The activated scheme calls  up associated be-
havior.

An example, a child will deal with a stuffed animal very
differently than with a living animal.  A child may start his
dealings with a living animal from his association with his
cuddly toy.  However, it will quickly experience that both
can  be  best  distinguished  and  that  both  raise  different

258

feelings and preferences and necessitate a different ap-
proach, for example itself more active towards reactive
in the living animal.

Not only their own interactive dealing but also those of
others in the environment is supported by their own co-
gnitive schemes in development. Cognitive schemes al-
low predicting the behavior of others. This is necessary
for smooth social interaction. For example, according to
Bekkering of Radboud University Nijmegen, we are able
to estimate what the other person is doing, how he will
do this and in what context, such as with what intention.
For example, if your child is walking around with his plush
pet, then it will play with it when it is fit. However, if it is
tired,  it  will  reach  its  favorite  animal  to  nurture  it  and
press it against itself.

In the brain, there would be a memory area in the tem-
poral  cortex  at  the  brain  side  that  would  help  to  form
these expectation models.

The child himself gradually finds out how other children
deal with their pet animal, also from their own experien-
ces with pet animals. Playing in the wake-up time, che-
rish around the sleep time. The more they exhibit this be-
havior  themselves,  the  better  they  can  assess  it  with
other children.

Research shows that the brain sends stored predictions

259

to the brain area that is responsible for observation. For
seeing the visual area in the back of the brain. Signals of
low-frequency brain waves stand for this. If the observa-
tion does not match the predictions, signals from high-
frequency waves are sent to the memory area with pre-
viously built-up predictions.  Possibly the prediction can
still be saved, because it is not applicable and can so be
saved.    It  was  not  the  stuffed  animal,  for  example.
However, the forecast may have to be adjusted.  In the
example, not only when the child is tired, the hug is che-
rished, also if the child feels unsafe, playing with the hug
stops and the hug is pressed against him.  In predicting
and estimating this, the child should first pay attention
to the context, then to the course and finally to what it
represents.  That's how it goes from general and vague
to concrete and specific.

According to some scientists, we perceive from the out-
side in and from the global to the detail. For example, we
would  first  perceive  and  label  larger  wholes  such  as
areas of color, then perceive shapes through edges and
then  focus  within  them  on  from  larger  to  smaller  local
details, which would lead to a precise identification. For
example,  such  as  discovering  body  and  facial  profiles
first, it is a man or woman, a child or an adult, then per-
ceiving that it is someone with blond or gray hair, white,
brown or black skin and finally based on perceiving smal-
ler details that it is, for example, your child, your neigh-

260

bor or your grandmother. This would also be neurologi-
cally  substantiated.  For  example,  rods  are  mainly  res-
ponsible  for  peripheral  vision  and  cones  for  central  vi-
sion. The principle outlined here is gratefully used in ar-
tificial intelligence.

5. Cognitive schemas and parents
Even though parents are not consciously busy with the
filling of cognitive schemas of their child, parents have a
big influence on these schemas. Significant for this cog-
nitive development of the child are the cognitive sche-
mas that parents themselves possess and use in their ex-
pression  and  dealings. Children  are  very  influenceable
for what is for their parents, what they know in their own
way. Also  for  how  they  react  for  themselves  and  their
environment to what is right for them, for what feelings,
judgment  and  association  they  connect  to  some-
thing. This way we can talk about social cognitive sche-
mas that apply to the whole family or the whole environ-
ment and that also assimilates.

262

If the interaction between the parent and child is unfa-
vourable, and if there is long-term stress due to financial,
relationship,  parenting,  addiction,  violence,  (too much)
focus or diversity problems, the child can develop deve-
lopmentally  unfavorable  minus  schemes  in  addition  to
developmentally favorable plus schemes, resulting in in-
security.

Parents sometimes take this more consciously and then
make an effort to teach the child values and norms. To
contribute what is valuable and to contribute what and
how something is possible, and what and how something
can  not. Even  though  parents  do  not  do  this  explicitly,
their implicit use of their cognitive schemas will implicitly
affect children, especially at a younger age, when child-
ren  easily  assimilate  what  is  implicit  in  their  environ-
ment. What is expressed as an undertone in the expres-
sion and actions of the parents.

New European research shows that the tendency to form
a  first  impression  about  someone  based  on  the  ap-
pearance of a person's face arises early in development.
Parents, among  other  things,  reinforce  their  child's  for-
mation  of  impressions  in  interaction  with  them.  About
thirteen percent of the parent-child conversations in the
study had to do with perceived characteristics of people.
Parents actively reinforced their children's facial attribu-

263

tes.  Moreover,  they  often  agreed  on  their  mutually  ex-
pressed opinions. Parents thus encouraged the mapping
of facial features to infer who someone is on the basis of
perceived  physical  appearance.  Specifically,  babies  as
young as seven months old prefer already to look at faces
whose  features  resemble  a  subtle  smile  rather  than  a
subtle frown.

Parents  who  consciously  take  care  of  the  concept  and
behavior formation of their child can see that as the child
grows older this is not always as easy and runs not always
as smoothly as before. This is because their child usually
already  has  a  certain  developed  cognitive  schema  with
personal concepts and own behavioral filling.  What pa-
rents offer is included, as confirmation, as a supplement
or as a change to which the child does not always want
to  pass. It  disturbs  the  inner  cognitive  stability  and
housekeeping. It may end up in the cognitive schema not
as own, but as what and how parents know something.

In  recent research, children  who  accepted  the  habit  of
imitating their parents naturally seem to be more open
to influences later on. A mindset or scheme is thus deve-
loped to supplement (assimilation) and change (accom-
modation)  their  schemes  under  development. This  can
be of significance so later on openness is important.

264

John Dewey, an important educator of the last century,
already  described  the  educational  process  as  a  conti-
nuous reconstruction of experience. For him it meant a
continuous  learning  process  without  end,  not  even  in
adulthood. For example, he preferred the term growth
to that of development. Each new experience builds on
previous experiences and helps determine the quality of
future experiences. The upbringing process must be un-
derstood  from  the  point  of  view  of  the  child's  activity.
The more intensive the interaction, the more interrela-
tions  are  made.  So  the  more  meaning  is  given  to
something, individually but also collectively.

6. Operation guiding and control
Research  shows  that  children  around  the  age  of  about
three years evolve from being incapable of action con-
trol and are dependent on the outside world to the use
of strategies that allow a certain action guiding and con-
trol without leaving it to the outside world. The develop-
ment of this guidance and control appears to be in paral-
lel with biological, cognitive and social development pro-
cesses.  They then gradually become aware of whether
something corresponds to what they apparently use as a
scheme or standard. If this is not the case, then this may
seem strange to even frightening, or crazy or even laug-
hable.  Likewise,  they  gradually  become  aware  of
whether something is going on, such as what or how, for
what they apparently use a stored scheme or rule. If this
is  not  the  case,  then  this  can  be  perceived  to  them  as

265

non-okay, which makes them refuse, or just as okay and
as  their  priority. The  development  of  this  course  of
action and control is progressing step by step, with more
and  more  schemes  being  used  as behavioral  orienting
and with increasing use of multiple schemes as behavi-
oral forms

Before a child is able to act internally based on cognitive
schemas,  a  whole  period  of  externally information-dri-
ven action from the parents and environment precedes
it. This external information that the child must help with
his behavioral control consists partly of product informa-
tion and partly of process information.Product informa-
tion  relates  to  a  certain  (social)  situation  or  event  and
forms a  whole set of data and characteristics that is in-
dicated as an image.Process information includes an in a
certain (social) situation or event associated dealing and
(inter)action  progress  that  is  indicated  as  a  model,  the
how. By  means  of  product  information  that  is  more
spontaneously derivable or more expressly provided by
the environment, the what, and process information, the
how,  the  child  is  able  to  orient  and  direct  his  beha-
vior. Initially  with  the  necessary  practical  help  and  ad-
justment. On the basis of this information made availa-
ble and supplemented with own experience, the neces-
sary cognitive schemas gradually develop.

For the development of the child, this external informa-

266

tion,  its  degree,  its  quality  and  its  availability  are  vi-
tal. Adults can be very intermediaries here in the transi-
tion to internal information. The lack of this or shortages
in it lead to less developed or unilateral schemes.

For example, the thinking scheme of a young person can
remain  very  elementary. Thinking  is  then  possible  :  to
take  over  and  repeat  what  others  think  and  ex-
press. Thinking is done by passively relying on others and
their  help,  or  impulsively  taking  over  what  others  hold.
Thinking then is not able to produce as much new infor-
mation as possible with as little information as possible. I
do not think by actively exploring a situation or problem,
by expressing the information present and relating it, by
deriving  possible  explanations  and  solutions,  by  coordi-
nating  purpose  and  means,  before,  during  and  af-
terwards. Thinking.  If I did this well, that would require a
very different, more developed, thinking plan.

Parents  and  educators  can  contribute  by  helping  the
child build rich schemes in the long-term memory. Sche-
mes in which facts, concepts, principles, methods, situa-
tions, contexts are mutually functionally linked and are
easily  accessible  for  use  in  the  various  situations  that
have  to  be  processed  in  the  working  memory,  such  as
the solution of a specific problem, or the approach to a
task or assignment.

268

Communicative
approach

The  communicative  approach  means talking  back  and
forth with your child in an open way in an open climate.
Experiences, feelings, thoughts, intentions and expecta-
tions are preferably conveyed precisely, completely and
clearly in word language on both sides. This event is ac-
cepted,  stimulated  and  kept  positive. It  is  avoided  that
communication could only be done indirectly through at-
titudes, behavior or others.

The parent-child communication is functional when the
messages are complete, the concrete content aspect of
the message is important and there is a congruence bet-
ween  the  content  aspect  (what  is  communicated)  and

How to talk back and forth with your child in an
open way in an open climate as part of your upbrin-
ging?

269

the  relation  (how  it  should  be  understood)  and  rela-
tionship  aspect  (which  relationship  between communi-
cators).

The  parent-child  communication  is  dysfunctional if  it  is
characterized by incomplete messages, a content aspect
of the message that loses its unambiguous meaning and
becomes irrelevant and unimportant and a relationship
aspect that becomes overpowering and leads to misun-
derstandings, blockages and disorders.

Typical is:
Talk to your child in an open way.
Make clear agreements so that your child knows exactly
what can and can not and how something is possible.
Discuss a difficulty in advance and look for solutions to-
gether.

There are development oriented different ap-
proaches possible as educator.

They each contribute in their own way to a
development beneficial environment.

The communicative approach is one of these
development-favorable approaches.

270

The final responsibility for setting rules is with you as an
parent with the participation of your child.
Planning together in difficult behavior situations.
Creating an open climate with open communication.
Talking with your child when drawing up rules of conduct.
Build a positive relationship with your child.
Keep the underlying tone positive when communicating.
Being a sounding board for your child.
Report  failures  so  that  they  can  be  better prevented in
the future.

. you may have your own opinion,
  I do not attack it,
  I place my opinion next to yours,
  I may also have my opinion
. you may have your own feeling ,
  I do not attack it,
  I place my feeling besides this of you,
  I may also have my feeling
. you may have your own desire,
  I do not attack it,
  I give my desire alongside yours,
  I may also have my desire

. We explain our opinions, feelings and
desires together and take care of them
so that there is respect for them and if possible
they come into their own.

273

There is less attention for the communicative element in
the use of these tools. What is expressed and exchanged
with language and interaction. How is language and in-
teraction expressed and exchanged? When it comes to
what and how something is expressed, it involves com-
munication of content in a certain way. Both the content
and the form will then determine what is exchanged.

2. Your contribution as an educator or parent
The communicative development of the child starts with
you. How you deal with the child and how you talk to it
allows the child to a greater or lesser extent convey so-
mething  of  himself:  of  what  it  experiences,  of  how  it
feels, what needs it has.

A child can discover in this way how he can do something
within  his  possibilities. Whether  it  can  and  is  useful  to
convey  something?   Does  it  help  to  make  something
clear, how loud, bad or long does it have to weep to get
your attention and get a reaction?   Is it sufficient to give
a  signal  that  something  is  going  on  and  do  you  further
inform yourself how you can cater to the child?   Are you
responsive  in  other  words?   Being  responsive  means
that  you  can  notice  the  present  (need)  signals  in  the
child's expressions and respond appropriately to them,
without always giving the child his desire.

Do you encourage the child through your attention and

274

reaction  to  express  what  it  experiences  ?   Do  you  en-
courage  the  child  to  express  his  experience  appro-
priately  ?   Do  you  help  your child  to  become  more  ex-
pressive,  as  by  informing  the  environment  about
yourself  in  a  way  that  invites  them  to  pay  attention  to
this and respond appropriately ?

As  a  parent,  it  is  preferable  not  to  resort  too  much  to
questioning when encouraging communication. After all,
the child may not always know how to answer, or it may
experience too much pressure. You can better use des-
criptive statements about something to encourage con-
versation. For example, you can describe what happens,
or describe what someone does. For example, instead of
'Are you dressed yet ?' you can say 'You're still wearing
your pajamas.' Instead of 'Did you enjoy today ?' you may
prefer 'I see a big smile on your face.' Instead of 'Did you
play well together?' you may encourage to reply with "I
see  you've  made  something  beautiful  together."  That
way you already start a story.

3. Yourself as a model
Do you stimulate the child to take notice of what you ex-
press as an environment ?   Do you give signals that the
child  can  understand  or  do  you  ask  the  child  to  derive
from your reaction what you want to express?   As long
as  the  child  does  not  speak  a  word  language,  are  you
using a sign language, a voice language, a body language
or do you resort to a behavioral or middle language. Let

275

you yourself be heard through your voice, or see yourself
through gestures or your body what you mean ? Or are
you  going  to  let  feel  by  what  you  do  or  do  not  do,  or
through  which  means  you  use,  such  as  punish-
ment?   For  example  :  withdrawing  or  denying  some-
thing ?

It  is  important  that  you  help  the  child  to  take  a  higher
level and respond to what it hears and what it sees and
do not let it come to the point where you child only feels
it what you want. This way you can orientate the child to
your  verbal  language  through  your  voice  language  to
take account of what you want to express. Likewise, you
can help to orientate your child on what you say and ex-
press, rather than on how you say something or express
something. In this way, it can also help you to not always
be obliged to hide your message in how you say or ex-
press something. For example : friendly or unfriendly, in-
viting  or  compelling. By  not  taking  this  yourself  to  ex-
pressing yourself through how, but preferring to express
yourself  through  what,  you  can  lay  the  foundation  for
the child.

By being self-respectful and not expressing your displea-
sure against the child but against the situation and what
the  child  does  or  does  not  do,  you  avoid  affecting  the
self-image and the self-esteem of the child. At the same
time you set the tone and stand model for a respectful
communication, in which you come to the point for what

276

you want differently and at the same time  appeals the
child  to  its  contribution. You  can  then  focus  on  how
something is possible.

4. Discover communication channels and languages
A  baby  initially  communicates  very  much  with  his
body. Reflexively in pain for example : it pulls away, or it
gets the hiccups in abdominal cramps. A baby communi-
cates  also  with  a  purpose  :  it  ceases  to  suck,  or  it
squeezes  the  lips  when  it  no  longer  wants  the  baby
bottle.

Very quickly the child also communicates with his mimi-
cry. His face is calm, neutral, relaxed, or his face shows
restlessness,  displeasure  or  discomfort  and  is
tense. From  his  face  can  quickly  read  feelings  present
with him or her.

Very  soon  it  also  communicates  with  its  voice,  even
though  it  can  not  talk  at  all. Its  schreitone  points  very
quickly  to  a  certain  displeasure  or  a  certain  appeal. Its
vocalizing  around  3  months,  as  with  soft  elongated
sounds 'uh, uh' indicates a certain pleasure and satisfac-
tion. Its  babbling  around  6  months  becomes  a  social
babble a few months later, in which sounds can be found
of the native language. It invites you as a parent to talk
back, or is a response to your talk and is stimulated by
it. In addition to the game and exercise element, it can

277

have the meaning of answering, approaching, expressing
impatience, and so on.

Spontaneously  or  possibly  in  response  to  yourself,  the
child begins to make gestures that match certain realities
or events by the end of the first year of life. Like opening
its mouth to get something, or pointing to draw atten-
tion to something. As a parent you have a tendency to
make a number of gestures. For example, sway when so-
meone  leaves,  or  shrug  your  shoulder  to  indicate  that
you do not know something.  Especially when the child
tries to say the first words, it may be tempting if this does
not quite succeed in supporting this with certain gestu-
res. Like 'caa' for cat and a caressing gesture. As a parent
you can consciously try to become aware of these baby
gestures  and  try  to  support  and  stimulate  them. As  an
intermediary step for language acquisition, they can help
to  experience  communicative  success. It  also  helps  to
make the transition from not being able to talk to wan-
ting to talk but not yet succeeding, or not yet completely
successful. Gradually, as soon as the child can talk bet-
ter, these gestures disappear, even though they can still
occur together for a certain time. Think of saying no and
shaking the head at the same time. Research would indi-
cate the beneficial effect of gestures on language acqui-
sition.

As  soon  as  the  child  learns  to  understand  and  learn  to

278

use the language, a new world opens up communicati-
vely. It now finally understands what those adults have
been saying all the time. Moreover, it can give the ans-
wer,  or  elicit  an  answer  by  first  saying  something. This
language  communication  has  two  consequences:  the
child is better informed and can better inform the envi-
ronment about itself, on the other hand more and more
influence can be exerted on the child, but on the other
hand  it  can  also  try  to  influence  the  environment. This
makes the exchange more intensive.

In  the  second  year  of  life,  the  child  discovers  that  if  it
does  not  want  to  respond  to  something,  it  can  do  this
with its behavioral reaction. It does not want to be at the
table, it does not want to go inside or go to sleep. It also
discovers that if it  has to do something mandatory, for
example, letting his sister ride his bike, it can do some-
thing  to  make  his  sister's  life  miserable. It  constantly
forms an obstacle for his sister with materials. Or it sti-
mulates a play friend to tease his sister. In this way, the
child discovers the behavioral language (not at the table,
not  inside)  and  the  middle  language  (materials  such  as
obstacle, involvement of a friend). This way it can make
you and his sister feel something and make it clear.

In this way the child discovers the different communica-
tion channels: his body, his mimicry, his voice, his gestu-
res, his language, his behavior, means and others. In this
way,  the  various  communication  languages  associated

279

with these channels also develop to a greater or lesser
extent : body language, mimic language, voice language,
sign language, word language, behavioral language and
medium language.

5. Which signals?
When using the various communication channels and as-
sociated  languages,  the  child  gradually  discovers  from
the  reactions  of  the  environment  what  is  possible  and
what is not possible. This is done on the basis of the per-
ceived appreciation and positive reaction and the expe-
rienced disapproval and negative reaction. In this way, it
quickly becomes clear that calling, or hitting, or making
something broken can not be done at all. This is how it
feels  that  respectful  talking,  ignoring  or  mediation  can
be  done. In  this  way  his  communication  is  increasingly
becoming a social (accepted) communication.

During  use,  the child  gradually  discovers  in  the  various
specific groups of which it is part, such as the family, the
nursery, afterwards the school, the circle of friends, the
neighborhood, etc., which  is  the  preferred  language
that attracts attention  and  provokes  the  desired  res-
ponse, or is most likely to offer it. This way it can discover
that it is best to ask everything in kindergarten, but that
it does not work out very well at home towards its bro-
ther(s) or sister(s) and that it only has influence by letting
feel  it. This  way  it  can  be  determined  that  each  group
uses  a  signal  language,  language  on  which  they  often

280

have little insight. A language that is responded to with
attention  and  reaction. If  a  different  language  is  used
then no attention is given or no or little reaction occurs.
To ask your sister or brother to participate makes little
impression, sharing a piece of your cake does offer the
desired response. A child of three to four years is able to
adapt his language to who it talks with. It can take into
account  age,  situation  and  demand  for  informa-
tion. Communication is often used to come to an agree-
ment and to work together, often in a game context.

6. Communication in itself
Between the age of five and seven years, oral communi-
cation skills are increasing.  Communicating is becoming
increasingly  disconnected  from  concrete  (game)  situa-
tions and specific behavior. The talking comes standing
at  its  own,  becomes  longer,  is  coherent  and  forms  a
whole. Talking remotely with each other is more popular
because  it  works  better,  everything  can  be  better  ex-
pressed,  even  if  nothing  can  be  shown  or  seen. From
eight  years  onwards  thoughts  can  be  exchanged  and
more  (goal-oriented)  dealed  with  the  language. For
example, arguments can be formulated to obtain some-
thing. In what is communicated, the prior knowledge of
the interlocutor is gradually taken into account. It is also
possible to communicate more and more in a nuanced
and  efficient  manner,  such  as  exchanging  main  issues
and staying with the preconceived main line.

281

The  communication  circle  is  gradually  expanding  from
the familiar environment to new contacts and more and
more  functional  communication  is  coming  forward
here. Our  own  communication  is  becoming  more  and
more conscious and can therefore be better tuned.

7. Social communication
Social communication development is very important for
dealing  with  other  children  and  young  people  in  game
and group contexts. The child must be able to give sig-
nals  to  the  others  and  receive  timely  and  accurate  sig-
nals. The  child  must  be  able  to  understand  what  the
others say and respond appropriately to the other child
and itself. The child must keep in touch with social con-
tact and know how to find a way out of conflict in a com-
municative way.

Parents can offer the necessary training opportunities in
dealing with their child. For example, helping their child
to  notice  what  exactly  you  say  as  a  parent,  teach  the
child to take into account what you say, how to express
yourself without making you angry, how to come to an
agreement, how to express what it feels and needs, how
to  indicate  in  time  when  something  brings  the  child  in
trouble, and so on.

8. Consequences of development delay
Failure to timely or sufficiently develop communicative
skills could result in the child continuing to express itself

282

in a more elementary way. It shouts easily, throws things
or beats others. It can also result in it being left on the
sidelines, it is silent or is passively alone. Parents easily
experience  their  child  as  more  difficult  to  handle,  little
attentive  or  not  social  attentive,  more  active  and  little
capable  of  positive  emotional  exchange. Possibly  this
also depends on being less able to take and understand
what is expressed by the environment.

Being able to express less of what it feels and needs in-
creases the risk of disappointment and isolation because
it  does  not  meet  its  needs. This  is  certainly  the  case
when the child starts to go to school.

Problem behavior would be more at risk with less favo-
rable communicative development and there could be a
correlation with less favorable socio-emotional and be-
havioral  competence  development. For  example,  lan-
guage  can  help  the  child  to  slow down socially  less  va-
lued behavior and to opt for what is socially preferable.

9. Feelings and communication
Even though children manage to quickly understand the
environment  and  make  themselves understood,  it
should not be assumed too quickly that the child can im-
mediately be very accurate. A child often experiences si-
tuations easily, but therefore does not just succeed in gi-
ving  this  feeling,  sometimes  also  physically,  accurately
and completely in words. What you say as a parent easily

283

arouses feelings in the child, but these cheerful feelings
are not just a faithful representation of what you com-
municate and mean.

A  child  may  feel  very  tense  or  uncomfortable  in a  new
situation, but will experience this possibly expressed in
stress  complaints,  such  as  withdrawing  or  feeling  un-
well. As a parent you mean to make a comment about
something that you want to see changed in the behavior
of the child, the child can easily interpret this as an attack
or rejection.
As a parent, you can help the child by identifying exactly
what  something  is  about  and  with  which  something  is
connected. It is something unfamiliar and hence you ex-
perience some tension. It is not about criticism, but it is
about what can be a more favorable alternative to what
you  do  now  or  is  happening  now. Especially to make it
clear to the child how to do this and to practice exerci-
sing  feelings  and  to  express  them  and  to  distinguish
them from situations or events with which they relate.

10. Conscious communication
Communication is a matter of course. In fact, every inte-
raction between parent and child involves communica-
tion, even if you do not mean it at all. Not communica-
ting is simply not possible. It is precisely because it is so
spontaneous and self-evident that it receives little atten-
tion, also in the development. This also appears in works
and research on the development of the child.

284

Nevertheless, it can be experienced that many interac-
tion problems are partly related to less favorable com-
munication. Every reason therefore to pay attention to
this in the development of the child. This can be done by
becoming more aware of the communication of and with
the child as a parent. In this way you get a better view of
it, also on growth and evolution and you can better res-
pond to it. This way more opportunities can be created
and more can be practiced. The upbringing situation can
provide the safe basis for this.

11. Affectable
This way you can also pay attention to the link between
the presentation for the child and its communication. In
this way you can notice that the child, based on what it
receives, forms a representation that is very colored with
what lives in the child itself and that is not always exactly
related to what was actually expressed.

On the other hand, you can sometimes notice, because
the child has no or no precise representation yet, that
this can be very influenced by what it receives in com-
munication.

The younger the child, the more influenceable it is by
what is going on in him or herself and by what the envi-
ronment provides.

285

According to a recent study by the University of Utrecht
as soon as a child has a presentation his brain is in sync
with who it is talking. This is in case something of what it
will hear is predictable. The type of brain activity is more
such as to who it talks, this is in case it can predict what
will  be  said.  The  brains  of  both  speakers  and  listeners
take particular account of the predictability of the langu-
age. This results in more similar patterns of brain activity
in both, even before a sentence is heard or spoken.
The brain of both parent and child appear here as a pre-
dictive  tool,  it  continuously  anticipate  on  the  outside
world.   So  their  can  be  a  quick  and  accurate  response.
This allows the brain to predict sounds and words based
on the context. For example, your child's shouting stands
for fun, even though your child has not yet said finding
something pleasant. The brain sends a signal to the au-
ditory cortex that it can expect sound patterns that are
similar to predicted words. In communication, therefore,
top-down processes play a role : this means that it can
be anticipated as to what is to come. Here what will be
said, for example, by you as a parent. The brain plays in
this an important role as a predictive force.

In the same line are findings from research at Radboud
University in Nijmegen. This research shows that talking
to each other is more than the exchange of words and
phrases, but that together a reality is evoked or created
within  a  small  bubble,  here  parent  and  child,  in  which
messages are understood. In order to understand what

286

is  being  said,  the  shared  context  must  also  be  grasped
here. For example, how can in what each say taken into
account what the listener already knows or expects. In
conversation  an  imaginary  space  is  created  together,
which evolves as the conversation progresses. This can
make  the  created  context  more  aligned,  as  something
you can build on. The changing representations can be
larger or more limited.

In  conversation,  everything  must  come  together  in  a
lightning-fast  manner:  communicative  signals,  know-
ledge of the world and knowledge of your interlocutor in
an  imaginary  collective  context.  For  this  purpose,  the
brain  constantly  keeps  all  knowledge  and  expectations
ready, so that can be built on very flexibly, during con-
versation.  Research  shows  that  the  same  areas  of  the
brain are active in conversation partners. They respond
simultaneously and this is more active as mutual under-
standing increases. Activation represents the process of
jointly  negotiating  and  updating  that  shared  space.  If
both conversation partners already have the same con-
text information, the synchronous activity will stop. If au-
tism  is  involved,  this  synchronous  activity  seems  more
difficult because the shared communicative space is less
successful, with as consequence less understanding each
other.

288

For a clear
communication

Nothing is more difficult than talking to someone. We al-
ways find it difficult to communicate what we mean to
say. The other person does not always understand us. Or
the  other  person  understands  us  wrong. Or  the  other
does not want to understand us. It becomes really diffi-
cult  if  we  want  to  get  something  done  from  the  other
person. Or  whether  we  want  the  other  to  change. It  is
even more difficult to stand up for yourself and put the
other in place.

In almost all situations we feel that it is good to talk. Pre-
ferably to talk and to discuss in advance. Even when we
do something together, keeping each other informed, is
important  in  order  to  avoid  misunderstandings  and
mistakes.  After a successful or unsuccessful execution,

Talking to your child is not always easy.

Clear communication can offer more opportunities.

289

talking helps to learn from what we did. Sometimes it is
necessary to talk things out, for what we can not accept
at all.

               I come to you across my borders,
                but you are so closed within yourself.
                I'm going on,
                I am busy myself.
                If only I could get your attention?
                Even if it was for a moment,
                you could look outside
                and get over your own limits
                and do not feel lost.
                I will help you,
                if you let me.
                If you touch me,
                we both are free.

This is certainly the case for you as a parent in relation to
your  child. This talking  together  becomes  more  impor-
tant as your child grows up and develops and expresses
his  own  ideas,  preferences  and  desires. The  child  asks
and expects you to take this into account. This then re-
quires a lot of consultation in order to allow everyone to
do their utmost in the care of your child.

Usually we live on friendly terms with our child.  As a pa-
rent you are interested in your child and are very com-
mitted  to  it. And  your  child  feels  a  lot  for  you. Such  a

290

friendly relationship offers the most chances to under-
stand each other well and to influence each other. But
even then we notice that a very different way of talking
can be found in friendly conversations. After all, we have
each  gained  our  own  experiences  from  which  we
talk. For example, your silence is for your child to agree,
for  you  it  is  an  expression  of  disagreement. The  things
we say can also have a different content. For example,
when I speak as a parent about 'difficult', I think of what
is complicated or delicate. Your child thinks about what
it should do alone, without help or support. The closer
we  are  to  each  other  in  experience  and  living  environ-
ment,  the  easier  we  will  be  on  the  same  wavelength.
Fortunately,  this  is  usually  so  in  the  relationship  with
your child.

It is difficult if we are at odds with our child. We did not
manage to find a rapprochement for anything, or we got
into  conflict  with  our  child  and  argued  so  that  our
friendship or understanding cooled for a shorter or lon-
ger  period  of  time. There  is  usually  a  certain power
struggle or inequality. Many daily frictions may then re-
turn  to  this  resulting  disagreement  and  distance. Even
though  we  are  still  struggling  to  make  ourselves  clear
and we are inviting our child, it wants to strengthen or
reinforce its position through refusal, contrarian or to do
difficult.

291

It becomes very difficult when we have to limit our child
or put it in its place, to reduce it in its field. Or have to
ensure that our child takes up his duties and responsibi-
lity for the agreed part. We are then easily pushed into a
very unsympathetic  role as  a  parent. Your  child  thinks,
speaks, chooses, decides and acts in your place. Or your
child refuses to think, speak, choose, decide and act and
pushes  this  towards  you. For  example,  your  child  is
struggling with your time and money spending.  Or your
child  leaves  his  chores  and  unpleasant  messages  to
you. Your child often expresses itself tactically to you. 'I
can do this better, you have no experience with it, I've
never had to do this before, you've been cut for it, it used
to be, now this is ridiculous, ...'

In  many  of  these  cases,  it  will  be  a  matter  of speaking
from and for yourself as a parent and standing up for his
experienced responsibility. Consideration should not be
given  to  being  tempted  to  speak  in  the  name  of  your
child, how much safer this may seem, from what is sup-
posedly  only  important  to  your  child. It  is  indeed  not
easy to speak about and for yourself as a parent. This re-
quires that you yourself have a vision, an opinion, a pre-
ference and have decided what you yourself want from
your self-declared task as a parent. So you know in ad-
vance what you want to say and you can concentrate on
how  to  say  it. It  often  seems  more  social  to  talk about
and for the other person. For example, "if you pick it up
like  that,  if  you  ever  acted  like  that,  instead  of  I would

292

take  it  that  way,  I  do  not  want  to  do  it  alone
anymore." However, it is good to know that by talking to
your child you are not in the loom and present it as if you
do not have to change. Your child then feels alone and
feels  very  personally  addressed. It  will  therefore  easily
go  into  defense  and  respond  defensively. Moreover,  it
will find its justification and justification for its opposition
to feeling attacked by you.

It is very important to come out very clearly from your
own  point  of  view  as  a  parent  and  to  stand  up  for
yourself. Specify exactly what you yourself are and to in-
vite  your  child  to  take  this  into  account  and  go  into
it. Making it a joint issue and challenge. Not because you
want  to  attack  your child  and  treat  it  as  an  enemy. On
the contrary, you prefer to respect your child as a person
and  to  maintain  a  friendly  relationship  with  it. But  this
does  not  mean to  hold back  and  neglect  yourself  from
the idea of being only someone and meaning something
for  what  you  give  to  your  child  or  get  spontaneously
from your child. For example, affection, attention, right.

Against this background you can try to be clear. This can
be  done  by  ruling  out  everything  that  can  lead  to  a
misunderstanding of what you say. This way you can en-
sure that everything is transferred to your child as preci-
sely, coherently, completely, directly and expressively as
possible. Only  by  being  clear  in  what  you  want  to  ex-
press, you can achieve the desired positive result.

293

When  I  speak  to  my  child,  I  can  pay  attention  not  to
exaggerate what I say and what I expect.  By stating very
accurately, in detail, concretely, with nuances and speci-
fically what it is about and not staying vague or too ge-
neral and wanting to include too much, it remains clear
for your child. I share something and ask something. I do
not  want  to  shake  my  child,  it  seems  more  reasonable
and acceptable. I also say specifically what concerns me
and my child. For example, 'if I do this, you can do that.'

When I share something, I can be careful not to contra-
dict myself. Often I say something, but I mean something
else. Often I do not dare to say what I mean, or I do not
want  to  show  my  purpose. I  say  'yes,  but

… ; or no,

yet ...; or so, though ... '. I often give in with words, but I
do  very  angry. Or say  to refuse, but  laugh  away what  I
say or do differently. This often creates confusion among
my  child  as  an  observer,  so  that  in  the  end  I  have  less
control  over  how  it  understands  and  responds  to  it. In
practice, you often try to make it friendly clear that it is
no for this difficulty, but that it remains yes for the rela-
tionship  with  the  other  person. An  explanation  of  this
double message, no and yet friendly, will often be desi-
rable if your child is not familiar with it.
Sometimes I only express myself half-way, instead of be-
ing complete. Possibly  because  I  suppose  my  child
knows  what  it  is  about  and  understands  what  I
mean. Possibly also because I show some hesitation for
any resistance and reaction from my child. I also do not

294

have to show where I stand for. In case of refusal I avoid
to go off in the situation. In case of disappointing results,
I can also deny having said or asked anything. I am just
suggesting something. Your child will then be obliged to
guess and to estimate what it is about and what is expec-
ted of it.

Sometimes  I  also  just  express  myself indirectly. I  then
use detours or deviate from the subject, instead of spea-
king  to  my  child  in  my  presence  in  a  clear,  affirmative
way. Indirectness  often  originates  in  wanting  to  spare
your  child,  yourself  or  your  relationship. Certainly
something negative or bad must be communicated, this
can best be made immediately clear. Your child can then
be  helped  in  expressing  and  processing  its  disappoint-
ment. The  tendency  to  express  yourself  indirectly  is
mainly expressed when you seek refuge in your body lan-
guage, such as grimacing or excitement. This tendency is
even more pronounced in limiting yourself to behavioral
language, such as avoiding each other, or bullying each
other, or telling someone else.

In order to teach your child something, time, energy, ef-
fort  and  other  means are often  needed  to  inform  it
exactly. Making something clear and lively increases the
chance  of  being  followed. Starting  and  explaining  in
good time too can make the child able to get used to it.

295

It  will  be  necessary  to  avoid  to  do  violence  to reali-
ties due to incorrect and unjustified additions such as as-
sumptions,  generalizations,  expectations,  interpreta-
tions,  growing  suspicion,  emotional  reactions,  indeci-
sion,  rigidity,  hardening,  position, principle  realization ,
precedent  definition,  and symptomation. It  is  better  to
try to solve the existing basic problem (unblocking), or to
raise  awareness  of  the  irrational  framework  (remove
swelling). It should not be forgotten that we at any mo-
ment make a double of what is happening in reality. We
would then be better able to make a constructive, usable
and workable double that helps us move forward instead
of  a  defensive,  hindering  and  immobilising  model  that
separates us more and more as a parent and child.

By  talking  about  reality,  a  model  arises  in  everyone's
head. It is a model of how reality works and how to con-
ceive  things,  and  how  to  deal  with  this  in  what  con-
text. This  model  then  communicates  to  the  reality. In
this  way  reality  becomes  a  communicated  reality  in
which  the  resulting  model  plays  a  leading  role. This
creates a social model through communication. Commu-
nication often has the purpose to influence each other's
model in everyone's mind and, if possible, to harmonize
with each other. However, clear communication allows
to  make  the  own  model  known  to  the  other  person,
while the other person is prepared to take notice of this
without immediately wanting to influence it. This often
makes  a  more  explicit  communication  possible. Clear

296

communication  then  allows  to  add  something  to
everyone's model rather than wanting to change it and
make it so richer and more nuanced.

Attempts  will  also  have  to  be  made  not  to  disturb  the
conversation  with,  among  other  things,  your  unrest,
fear,  tension,  uncertainty,  confusion, blockage,  loss  of
control,  powerlessness,  disappointment,  grief,  regret,
misunderstanding, isolation, excitement, surprise, irrita-
tion, anger, disgust, aversion, bitterness, distrust, envy,
impatience, struggle, threat. This can be done by expres-
sing your emotions in a positive-lasting conversation at-
mosphere  for  your  child. This  way  it  can  be  taken  into
account and can be used for further orientation. It can
also be taken into account that you yourself attribute im-
portant  emotional  significance  to  what  is  being  discus-
sed.

All of this must lead to precise and real giving and taking
of information of each other and each other's sensitivi-
ties and expectations in a mutually respecting and space
providing atmosphere. In this way you acquire authority
on the basis of respect and not so much on the basis of
your authority.  Thus, from the actual  distance to each
other,  feasible  opportunities  for  growth  can  be  sought
and  tested. Possibilities  that  each  can  accept  and  sup-
port and where no use is made of preponderance, pres-
sure, manipulation or violence. By being myself and be-
ing for myself and coming out for it, I invite my child to

297

be itself and to be for itself and to come out for it. This is
how  we  notice  differences  that  come  across  as  wealth
and personality. This way we can rely on it without any
misunderstanding of this diversity and we can build on
each other in addition.

In any case, it is important to continue to cherish positive
feelings and expectations in conversation, even though
there are currently few reasons for this. Nevertheless, it
should be taken into account that negative feelings and
expectations  that  we  would  begin  to  have,  can  have  a
very big influence on one's own way of speaking. Nega-
tive feelings and expectations, such as 'my child does not
want to listen anyway, my child can not convince me, it
will  never  change,  ...'  It  could  lead  to  no  longer  tal-
king. Or things can not really be explained anymore. Or
you  use  the  talk  to  accuse  your child  and  express  your
disappointment.  So you close every door yourself that
could lead to some change. In the end, I'd rather stay for
a conversation, just as I stay for our relationship'. From
what we want to say, find out how to say this. Like from
what we want to do in our parent-child relationship, look
for how to do this.

As a parent you can work on two goals in order to ar-
rive at a clear communication. These are :

1. Becoming aware of your own way of communication

298

This  is  to  recognize  and  situate  your  own  usual way  of
speaking and listening between possible communication
forms. You  can  pay  particular  attention  to  your  own
place and space that you occupy when talking. Can I be
and  remain  myself  ?   Will  I  come  to  my  right  ?   Do  I
reach  my  intended  goal ?   Do  I communicate from my
child

’s expectations to me ? Do I communicate from

what I personally feel, think or want ?   Am I violating my-
self ? Will I stay in the cold ? Which structure and limits
offer help or hinder ? Can I be open and direct ? Do I
have to be on my guard ? For whom or what ? Can I
stand up for myself ?   Am I sufficiently resistant ? Do I
have to protect myself for my child ? Am I afraid to lis-
ten because my child is pressing me ?   Can I stay nearby
or should I keep a distance ?   Am I aware of what is dif-
ficult for me in communication ?   What and when will a
conversation be disturbed for me ?   What happens then
to me ? Does my child understand me or not ?   Do you
want to or can

’t you ?

2. Optimize your own way of communication
How can I supplement and adjust my usual way of spea-
king and listening so that communication gives me more
satisfaction and opportunities and there is less disap-
pointment and risk for me ? How can I find myself bet-
ter and speak better through talking and listening? How
can I achieve more skill to achieve more with less effort
and less failure in conversation ? How can I solve pro-
blems and conflicts in conversation in a functional way,

299

where each one wins ? How can I get closer to myself
by talking together with my child ?   How can I also get
closer to my child ?   How can I keep a friendly conversa-
tion  with  my  child  and  still  stand  up  for  myself  ?  How
can I come to a change in my life, relationship and beha-
vioral situation by talking together ?   How can I reach a
redistribution and reorganization of tasks, actions, atten-
tion,

influence,

agreements

through

consulta-

tion ? How can I avoid tensions that put me out of ba-
lance in a conversation with my child ? How can I avoid
feelings  that  disturb  my  listening  and  speaking  ? How
can I avoid error ?   How can I avoid giving an impression
so that I unintentionally commit to something and then
have to fulfill this ? How can I maintain openness in my
child  ?   How  can  I  influence  my  child  ? How  can  I  ex-
press  myself  more  clearly  ? How  can  I  better  identify
realities ?  How can I deal with feelings and emotions in
favor of the conversation ?

300

Phase-specific
communication

Where, when, with whom?

Nina (40 years)

– ‘We often forgot to talk to our child

beforehand, or avoided talking in advance, to avoid po-
tential hassle. Afterwards we had to say that we did not
agree and did not want a repeat. Our daughter then rep-
licated that she did not know that this was not allowed.
She felt attacked and criticized, although she thought
she was doing well.

’

Ben (30 years old)

– ‘Once something was agreed, we as-

sumed that our child did what we asked for and what we
expected. Only later did we sometimes notice that
something else had expired. We just left it, because it
was just like that.

’

Communication that accompanies someone's doing
in reality requires prior, during and afterwards con-
versation, in accordance with the different commu-
nication phases.

301

Louise (15)

– ‘If I asked my parents something, their an-

swer was invariably that they should think about it. So I
gradually left it to ask something. I then tried to do some-
thing, outside of them. I sometimes did crazy or even
dangerous things. I certainly couldn't talk to them about
it, even if it risked to go wrong.

’

Mathis (18 years old)

– ‘There was not much talking be-

tween us. We should have already serious problems be-
fore  addressing  one  of  our  parents.  Questions  with
which we were confronted we also rarely talked about
them  with  our  parents.  We  preferred  to  consult  with
friends.  Even  when  something  risked  to  go  wrong,  we
kept our lips together. There was no openness  to each
other.   Because  of this silence,  the  mutual  distance  in-
creased. Occasionally this led to misunderstandings. We
were  then  blamed  about  it  and  made  guilty.  But  even
then  we  did  not  try  to  explain  or  justify  it.  Everyone
chose to lock themselves in with his personal right. Also
afraid of the reaction of each other.

’

Finn (16 years old)

– ‘My parents were divorced. That

made them each very busy. I learned early to do my own
things,  without  thinking  much  about  the  things  I  did.
Usually I just started something. When my mom found
out,  she  easily  commented  because  she  was  worried
about me and my future.  My dad, for his part, tried to
steer me constantly, especially if it did not coincide with
what he chose or had in mind for me. They both said that

302

they loved me very much, but we would not sit together
in advance, consult and find out what was good for me.
No, because they didn't want to hurt me. But afterwards
they also avoided talking about something if it had not
been successful. Again not to hurt me. That way all the
pressure came on me. I could not experience real sup-
port, even though they often pretended.

’

Marie (29 years old)

– ‘As young parents, we intended to

do  things  differently,  both  in  the  relationship  to  each
other and in the relationship with our child.  We espe-
cially wanted openness towards each other. We hoped
to achieve this by regularly talking to each other. Prefer-
ably  as  much  as  possible  in  advance.  We  also  did  not
want to avoid difficult conversations. But wanted to talk
precisely  in  case  of  difficulties.  We  also  wanted  to  talk
afterwards to process things and learn from them.

‘

Joran (31 years old)

– ‘As parents, we quickly realized

how important it was to act as a team towards our child.
So everything would be unambiguous for our child. The
message  was  to  talk  as  parents  with  one  voice.  Some-
times we each wanted to approach something in a dif-
ferent way. In order not to cause confusion, we worked
out how to get to the same wavelength.  Also within our
relationship  as  partners,  we  quickly  realized  the  im-
portance of openness and consultation. Especially con-

303

sultation on time, but also when implementing some-
thing and afterwards to look back. That way there was
no division between us.

’

What ?

Talking in advance, during and afterwards or communi-
cating  phase-own  is  what  can  offer  many  benefits  for
each.  In  this  way  you  come  to  a  better  understanding
and  relationship  with  each  other.  It  prevents  problems
or their repetition. In this way you can also ensure that
problems  are  situated  at  conversation  level  and  not  at
reality level.

Phase-specific  communication  is  the  extent  to  which
communication is brought into conformity with the ap-
peal in the present phase of the interaction.

The phase-fitting communication has three phases, each
with its own appeal forms: one, informing, orienting and
directing what is to come; two, guiding, supporting and
adjusting  what  is  going on;  three,  evaluating,  following
up and concluding what is over. They correspond to the
three distinct communication phases.

You can pay attention to phase-specific communication
coordination.  You  can  pay  attention  to  the  difference,
meaning and importance of the distinct communication

304

phases and the enclosed appeal. You can work on opti-
mizing  your  communication  by  integrating  the  phase
perspective with the enclosed appeal forms. You can pay
attention to the three-phase perspective for each of the
possible stages of a (conversation) relationship. You can
pay attention to come into conversation from the taken
up individual or shared responsibility to planning, organ-
ization, arrangements, follow-up and control.

How ?

What typifies phase-specific communication is:

Prior to
I inform others in advance of my needs and plans.
In  conversation  matching  in  advance  the  picture  that
each of us has of what is coming.
Discuss with each other beforehand where we want to
come  out  and  how  to  find  and  adjust  usable  ways  for
this.
Together  we  indicate  in  advance  what  we  hope  to
achieve for each and the relationship through conversa-
tion (equal, more, better, less, ...).
From the certainty that you will meet with each other,
prepare for changes as well as possible, adjust to them
and try to integrate them positively into your life.
If I do not agree with something, I will say this clearly and
explicitly in advance.

305

Through conversation try to get in touch with and keep
in  touch  with  what  lives  with  each  one  and  what  each
does.
Continuously incorporate as much information as possi-
ble about each other's qualities and concerns into your
experience to be able to take this into account when for-
mulating proposals.
Before  we  do  anything  together,  we  consult  with  each
other and examine whether and how we can succeed.
In  conversation  we  pay  attention  to  what  leads  us  to
want to do here and now and what this can result to or
has as consequence.
Involve own and joint experience reflections in choices
in conversation.
In case of foreseeable difficulties and tensions, talk in ad-
vance.
Trying to prevent, resolve or successfully manage a con-
flict through conversation.
In conversation so preferable give attention beforehand
to  'what,  if',  'suppose,  what',  'if-not,  what',  'as  if,  how'
situations.
Use talking and informing as a powerful preventive tool
to prevent something from going wrong.
Make appointments in time and remind them in time.
I make the things I do in conversation sufficiently visible
and audible for the other person and myself.
I  make  the  things  I  experience  in  conversation  suffi-
ciently visible and audible for the other person and my-
self.

306

While
My speaking accompanies my doing.
I tell about what I am doing.
Surround  what  you  undertake  with  good  information
provision and support through it.
While I do something with others, I talk to them about
this.
We ensure that communication is underway - it supports
processes and changes and does not hinders them.
If something disappoints me, you can tell from my atti-
tude.
If others disturb me, I tell them this.
So necessarily I give my vision on the actions of others.
I prefer to talk to each other pre-actively and pro-actively
rather than re-and contra-actively.
So you notice that there is a problem, stop, put the prob-
lem  into  words  and think  together  how  to  get  out  and
take the next steps.
Speaking  over  and  over  at  intervals  of  where  to  come,
where to be now and where to go further.
Taking everyone's experiences, feelings and desires into
account by regularly looking back and checking what is
okay and what is not or less and doing the desired ad-
justments.

Afterwards
I talk about past joint experiences.
We talk about an event afterwards.

307

Reflecting  in  conversation  about  own  and  joint  experi-
ences.
We discuss about experiences so we gain to learn from
them for the future.
If  something  went  wrong,  we  discuss  the  event  after-
wards, not to highlight failure, but to see how it can be
better for the future.
In conversation we use knowledge and experience infor-
mation to learn from them if possible before we or after
we do something (whether or not wrong).
Afterwards  we  do  the  discussion  of  an  unfulfilled  ap-
pointment.
Going together through a happening in a calm frame at
a later time and 'commemorating' from a more remote
perspective  in  order  to  come  to  terms  with  things,  to
think differently and to regain trust in ourselves.
Afterwards we discuss the expressions through which we
had which effects on each other, in order to be able to
respond to each other more optimally and with more fa-
vourable influence.
Orienting  a  conversation  afterwards  as  a  conversation
beforehand to prevent a repeat of what went wrong.
Recognize  the  consequences  of  not  talking  and  avoid
them through dialogue.
If we cannot find a solution by talking, seeing or trying,
with subsequent adjustment evaluations, we look what
another person can experience and look at this.

308

General
Ask each other useful questions during preparation, ex-
ecution and finishing.
Communicative duplication of the interaction reality and
phases.
Discussing the joint reality of interaction in conversation,
offering a focus on what is to come, intensifying the ex-
perience that is going on and enjoying or repeating look-
ing back on what is over.
If desired, respond more invitingly than in a timely man-
ner without taking initiative at the level of how to plan
something than at the level of implementation or later.
Follow up the results of previous conversations in later
conversations.
Indicate  in  I-terms  before,  during  and  afterwards  how
you see things and want or choose for yourself, together
with clarification and explanation for the other.

What for?

Phase-specific communication is a permanent task with
several cycles that run simultaneously. Every time some-
thing requires communication, before, during and after.
Making  space  and  time  to  tackle  these  issues  continu-
ously  and  in  parallel,  can  help  them  to  achieve  them.
There are two trajectories: one, this in reality and the ac-
tion in it and two, these in the fore, weather and reflec-
tion of it in communication. Sometimes the phase-spe-
cific communication will be focused on reality or dealing

310

What is it ? A good
contact with my child

What is this ? A good contact with my child
Tanja (34 yrs)

– A

good contact with my

child means that I

can get along well with

my child. That is

that

quarrels

and discussions do

not get in the way of a

good relationship

with my child. That is

trying to get out of

disputes it in such a way

that no destruc-

tions are made.

Marissa (29 yrs) - I had as a child a bad relationship with
my mother. We could not talk to each other. I could ne-
ver go to my mother with anything, there was never time
to talk. I suffered a lot from that and I missed a lot. I have
planned for my children not to let it come to a repetition.

Every parent wants a good contact with his child.

What does this mean a good contact?

In which story
do you recog-
nize yourself the
most ?

build up, not

breaking down

311

We have made it a habit from the beginning to get a
good contact. We

have a good and

close relationship.

It can have some

troubles. We do

not want to lose that

band. In this way

we try to be as open

as possible to each

other, so that great

tensions do not

get chances and we

can stand close to

each other. We are

really attached to

each other, we just

can not miss each other. We also try not to have to miss
each other.

Nele (26 yrs) - For me a good contact asks simply respect
and recognition of each other. If this is there, then there
is just a good

contact. That is respect

for your child and

what goes on in your

child,

and

give

your child recognition.

This

has

also

brought your child to

know that it has

respect for you and

what

goes

inside you. If your child

does not accept

this

proposal

for

respect, then you must insist that this is done as a mini-
mum. Without respect and recognition on both sides, it
just does not succeed to come to an exchange of views.
This does not mean simply agreeing, it means what so-
meone thinks, feels and wants to approach with re-
verence and give each other recognition. This also
means paying attention to what you think, feel and want
without being criticized or ignored.

close bond,

avoidance of

being on

oneself

mutual res-

pect, and re-

cognition

312

Iris (37 yrs) - We always try to do a number of things to-
gether. This way we get to know each other better, we
make

time

for

each other and we

come

closer

together.

Because

we are

the

same situation, we can

only by working

together make it us

more pleasant and

easier. In this way we

are

less

easily

separated and isola-

ted. We are used

to each other and play

better  in  on  each  other.  Neither  my  child  nor  myself
want to skip those moments together.

Marlies  (40 yrs) -  We  are  still  trying  to  create  a  warm
nest  for  our  children.  Letting  them  feel  that  you  love
them,  that  they  are  allowed  to  be  themselves,  express
your  feelings  for

them,

show

your

affection

and

provide safety for them.

Really provide a

place where they can

feel safe and can

relax.

Where

they

can relax without

not always expecting

every-

thing. Rather, we try to

give a lot of

information from the

meaning and value they have for us. Apparently they feel
what we offer them without any condition. In this way
we also experience a lot of affection and warmth from
them. If we address them to something, we also notice a
willingness not to disregard this just like that. They usu-
ally want to talk about how to accommodate, or make it

together-
moments

and doing

things toge-

ther

warm affec-

tion

313

clear  to  us  that  they  do  not  want  to  give  up  solida-
rity. They  tell  us what  makes  it  difficult for  them,  or  to
which  they  can  not  answer. As  long  as  we  notice  that
they do not take advantage of this, we do not drive it too
far.

Nathalie (35 yrs) - We are constantly arguing, I think. We
rarely get up to the same wavelength. Yet I notice that
my  child  needs  a  lot  of  support  and  someone  who  is
there for it. Just someone to tell and exchange ideas. So-
meone who helps it

over

the

bridge

or limits it. That

provides that extra

dynamic to get it in

action, or to stop it, or

protect

something. No matter

how

often

quibble, we try to do it

with respect for

each other. I do not

bombard it with feelings of disappointment, excitement
or annoyance. I also do not accept that it blames or ac-
cuses me. By being more rational and stimulating and
not overly emotional, we usually come out. A few good
arguments and a few serious incentives, without beco-
ming emotional usually succeeds.

Sarah

(42 yrs) -

remember as a child

how difficult it was at

home to talk to each

other. Our

mum

always tried to avoid

having

open

discussion or quar-

rel. We would hardly

have dared to do

this

rational and

stimulating

avoid indi-

rectness

314

either. We feared that  once  a  fight,  it  would  no  longer
come in order anymore. We had the habit of indirectly
letting  each  other  feel  everything. We  were  silent  and
with an angry face. We escaped each other or did every-
thing in an irritating way. We pretended that the other
person did not exist or was air. We were aggravating this
harsh  atmosphere  until  we  gave  each  other  his  plea-
sure. That way we could continue to have the impression
of having good contact with each other, because every-
thing was enforced and imposed indirectly.

Julie (47 yrs) - Our children are gradually becoming older
and more independent. They are often with their friends
and talk a lot with them. Yet we notice that they often
still need to talk to us. Sometimes to share their joy and
pride. Sometimes also to be able to express their disap-
pointment and failure. Without to say so explicitly, they
sometimes  want  to  hear  from  us  how  to  respond  to
something  and  how

to deal with some-

thing.

Sometimes

they

want

confir-

mation for what

they do themselves,

or support if they

stand more isolated

with their friends.

So you still notice

that you really need

there.

Sometimes

they

doubt very much and

want a 'second opinion', or someone who finally puts
them out of a questionable choice option. Even though
you express your feelings and opinions clearly they do

point of con-
tact for child

315

not always take them into account directly, yet you no-
tice that they are still looking for you at times.

Tina (36 yrs) - Good contact is not given. It is something
that has to grow. It is important that your child feels
that what you say and do is what your child needs at a
certain moment in

his or her development.

That what you offer

your child, responds to

its demand for

growth. Sometimes

that

guidance

your

child does not get

out of it. Sometimes

it is more space

and consultation, so

that your child

can find out and

learn something itself. Sometimes that is giving support
if your child does not become active or does not come
out. This way you can provide care for your child and his
or her development. The greater this success, the better
the contact with your child, we experience.

Pascal (32 yrs) - Above all, I think you need good contact
with your child to know what is going on in your child and
to have the chance

influence

your

child. A

good

contact therefore re-

quires

openness from your

child. It also means

that you are also open

to your child. And

that you accept both

this openness. That

you

not

immediately suppress that openness. That you want to

development-

oriented

safe open-

ness

316

listen  to  your  child  who  feels  safe  to  tell  you  some-
thing. That you also feel free to say what you feel, think
and what you want. That you feel that your child takes
this into account. That your child does not close itself in
advance and you cause this with your overreaction.

Sven (27 yrs) - Together with my partner we always have
tried to make it clear to our children that a friendly rela-
tional arrangement  is  one,  and  our expectations are
two. We  do  not  put  the  one  on  the  slope  for  the
other. We  do  not

deliver

our

expectations

secure our relation-

ship

with

the

children. We do not

put our accepting

relationship on the

slope to meet our

expectations. We

feel a lot for our

children, start from

who they are and

are

prepared

respond to them. At the same time, we feel responsible
for their development and we want to stimulate them on
the one hand and, on the other, limit them if necessary.

Kim (29 yrs) - I try to be a modern parent. The smaller
the distance to my child, the better the contact is, I no-
tice. I do not try

to prepare myself in

advance

the adult who knows it

all,

and

can

everything and dares

everything. I try

to avoid to treat my child

childlike

manner as someone

who knows, can

and

dares

little. This

childfriendly

relationship

proximity

through vali-

dation

317

does  not  mean  that  in  order  to  reduce  the  distance,  I
want to imitate my child. On the contrary, I want to raise
my child and get it closer to me. I try to involve my child
in many matters. I give answers that it needs and let my
child take care of itself as much as possible, or take care
of  what  it  can  handle. This  automatically  creates  good
contact because the child feels addressed.

Steven  (39 yrs) -  From the beginning I have paid  atten-
tion to creating a bond based on trust. I made my child
clear  that  it  can

always confidential

talk to me about

anything.

have

made the habit of

always wanting to

listen and to show

always that I want to

help and support my

child. That is not to

say that I admitted

everything. It means

that I would never

have attacked my

child, or denied. I always tried to speak to my child and
to bring something that I could not do anymore. I made
it clear to my child why it was not possible for me, and
why I also thought it was not possible for it. I talked to it
about a situation or about a behavior that was not pos-
sible and together we were looking for a change.

listening to

help

318

Gert (41 yrs) - I have a job where I have it to say. People
come for explanation and advice. I am convinced myself
that sometimes I am in danger of doing the same thing
to my children. In my work, however, I know that liste-
ning well and accurately already contains part of the ans-
wer. I try to apply

this at home. Do not

immediately start

responding or just ask

what you want in

what way. But first

take sufficient time

not only to listen to

the story but also

to the story behind the

story.

What

means to them, how

they

see

themselves,

where

they  want  to  go,  what  it's  all  about.  Only  then  in  their
meaning and on their size exactly saying what is in front
of you and how you perceive it. This way you can be clear
at the same time without having to come out of the cor-
ner. To follow them for what it can, adjust them for what
is needed.  I then ask them what to do about this them-
selves  and  to  look  for  ways  to  change.  I  then try  to  be
careful not to take over too many of them and fill it for
them. If not, a unilateral relationship arises.

Pieter (36 yrs) - What we have tried to make a habit of is
that there are no things between us and no things that
remains

stuck

between us, so that we

don’t have still

trouble

meeting each

other. This is

how we try to clarify and

talk out as many

things as possible. That

way

our

relationship can stay

to involve

clear up obs-

tacles

319

good. Our relationship is too important to put it at risk
for something that comes between us. This way our child
can really go in against us. We then want to know at a
more quiet moment afterwards what went wrong, what
the reason was, whether the child would continue to do
so. We also want to talk about our disappointment and
our  anger  with  the  experienced  refusal,  so  that  these
feelings can fade away after we have been able to talk
with  words.  Recently  we  had  a  discussion  point  where
we still have not a resolution for. We agreed to let it rest
for  a  while  because  it  was  too  sensitive  on  both  sides.
Neither  wanted  to  meet  the  other.  By  building  a  brea-
ther and let it rest for a while, it can allow us to talk again
and to get along well again.

Vincent  (28 yrs) -  I

have always found that

you can only rely

on realities and build

them.

Likewise, I find this in

contact with my

child. As soon as you do

not have an eye

for the reality of your

child: who your

child is, what your child

does, what your

child expresses of what

goes on in it and lifes, you create distance. Distance to
your child and distance in talking together. This also ap-
plies to your own reality: who you are, how you react to
your child and what you experience with your child and
his actions. Also having to keep this reality nearby in you
talking together. Sometimes this can be hard, but at the

true-to-life

communica-

tion

320

same time it creates clarity and gives a grip. In your con-
tact you are close to reality and this provides security for
your further contact. You do not let your child fantasize
endlessly to react negatively to this. You yourself do not
cherish  irrealistic  ideas  and  expectations  to  confront
your  child  in  your  contact  with  your  disappointments
and reproach. You talk together and reality goes hand in
hand.

What about good parent-child contact?
For this you will find a number of testimonials from pa-
rents  that  indicate  what  is  good  contact  for  them  and
how they try to achieve and maintain this.

The  testimonies  show  that  they  usually  put  something
central. Good contact implies this or that. This or that is
a sign or proof of good contact. If this is missing, there is
no good contact, or no longer a good contact.

In the testimonies it can also be found that the parents
indicate  in  which  way  a  good  contact  can  be  made,  or
how it can be sought to keep it. Along this road or that
way you reach or maintain good contact. If this route or
approach  is  not  followed,  then  no  good  contact  is
created, or it is no longer possible.

Good contact is thus equated with this and in this way.
In  achieving  good  contact,  parents  also  try  to  involve
their  children. They  try  in  one  way  or  another  to  make

321

clear  to  their  child  what  good  contact  specifically
means. They also try to activate their child to choose and
use this way and manner to make this good contact pos-
sible. If  you  do  this,  we  will  come  to  a  good  contact,
which means this.

Parents  do  this  by  model,  by  encouragement,  by  their
explanation and directions, by discouraging the other, by
support,  sometimes  by  imposing  and  enforcing  it. The
way  in  which  they  approach  this  can  then  be  a  sign  of
how good contact is obtained for them.

Of course, for parents a good contact can involve several
elements at the same time, with multiple ways to reach
it. This makes the contact qualitatively richer.

Parents attach great importance to good contact. It must
allow more and positive influence on their child and on
each other. It must also guarantee its continuity. If good
contact disappears, or if it is absent, much is immediately
not  possible. Distance  creates  a  lot  of  problems,
proximity  can  solve  them. What  that  proximity  then
looks like, every parent tries it his own way, taking into
account his child and himself.

What can be central, among other things, is:

close bond, avoidance of being on oneself

warm affection

322

mutual respect, and recognition

together-moments and doing things together

safe openness

proximity through validation

build up, not breaking down

listening to help

to involve

clear up obstacles

rational and stimulating

avoid indirectness

true-to-life communication

childfriendly relationship

development-oriented

point of contact for child

Name it key concepts around which the parent and child
come into contact. Sometimes the parent is more aware
of this and may name these key concepts as keywords.
Most of the time, however, they are implicit and are ea-
sier for others to draw their attention to.

In which story do you recognize yourself best ?

Tell your own story below if you would like :

Which implicit key concepts or explicit keywords are cen-
tral in this?

323

Containment

and holding
in parenting

Containment and  holding  are  concepts  that belong to
care in a therapeutic environment. In an ordinary educa-
tional environment, preference is given to terms such as
sensitivity and responsiveness in order to indicate how
parents  can  deal  with  their  child,  especially  during  the
first years of development.

Sensitivity means to perceive the feelings and need sig-
nals of a child in a timely manner and to interpret them
correctly,  in  such  a  way  that  you  are  responsive  or,  in
other  words,  the  child  can  be  responded  appro-
priately. This  does  not  always  mean  giving  in  to  your
child,  but  by taking  a  good  level  of  what  is  going  on  in
your  child  and  expressing  it,  responding  better  to  your

Children may need someone who knows their emoti-
ons and can provide the necessary support and pro-
tection.

324

child. For example, your child wants you to take some-
thing over because it is too difficult, or too much. Or your
child wants you to encourage it, or just help it for a while.

Especially  sensitive  children  or  children  who  are con-
fronted with pronounced or long-term stress often need
a  supportive  environment.    An  environment  that  not
only  identifies  the  feelings  and  need  signals  present  in
such an environment but is also willing and able to offer
this comprehensive (containment) and supportive (hol-
ding) environment. An incomprehension, ignoring or re-
jecting  surrounding  of  the  present  feelings  and  needs
and attendant thoughts can only make it worse for the
child, because the sensitivity and the tension then incre-
ase. The child experiences only to stand alone for some-
thing that it can not do alone. Containment can then be
seen as a special form of emotional attunement.  Emo-
tional  attunement  that  every  child  asks  for,  but  some
children or in some circumstances more. Holding is clo-
sely linked to containment and can be seen primarily as
support, making itself available and reassuringly present,
so that can be returned within protective boundaries.

It is important for the child that a parent manifests him-
self as a safe attachment figure. As someone who offers
safety by absorbing tension and transforming it into pro-
cessable parts and responding adequately to the signals
from  the  child. And  the  child  is  not  overwhelmed  and

325

burdened with own feelings from his own needs. By of-
fering containment and holding the child can develop a
positive sense of self and start seeing the world as a safe
and reliable place. This lays the foundation for an attach-
ment relationship because children start to attach them-
selves to the source of this safety and to those who pay
attention to their needs.

Specifically, a parent who for children who are confron-
ted with intense feelings, knows how to reach out to the
child  without  being  confused,  who  recognizes  and  un-
derstands  the  child  in  his  feelings,  and  thus  learns  the
child  how  to  deal  with  them. In  this  way  the  parent
knows how to offer a way that the child can learn step
by step. This way the child can develop an internal wor-
king model on this basis in order to deal with himself and
his  environment. Validation  by  the  environment  of  the
child's feelings is necessary in order to develop trust in
the  attachment  figures  and  also  to  develop  trust  in
oneself. The attachment figure appears as someone who
is capable of emotional containment.   The model of this
attachment figure allows the child to develop an identity
that is capable of emotion containment.

Providing security can exist in watching as a parent with
the child to what has happened and what it has genera-
ted in feelings, thoughts and needs in the child. Knowing
these feelings, thoughts and needs makes it possible to
influence  and  regulate  them. What  has  happened  is

326

fixed,  how  it  is  dealt  with  can  be  changed. As a parent
you can present an affective experience of the child to
him or her in a bearable and processable form.

It  is  also  important  to  be  able  to  see  the  child  and  his
feelings in isolation from his own emotions as parent. So
that  the  child  does  not  appear  as  threatening  or  dis-
ruptive. This way the image of the child and his feelings
can be accurately represented, as well as what is mea-
ningful and relevant for the child. If, as a parent, you do
not want to notice certain feelings and dismiss them as
nagging or attention seeking because they appear to be
threatening  to  you,  you  may  well  miss  out  on  justified
signals and needs. Or if, as a parent, you pay excessive
attention  to  feelings  because  you  have  become  uncer-
tain, justified signals and needs are needless reinforced.

If the child follows the parent in this, it will set away his
feelings as a grumbling and not relevant, or the child will
strengthen his feelings as a threat and will not know how
to take these away. The own past as a parent to suppress
feelings or to be overwhelmed by them continues to play
a  role  in  this. The personal attachment safety that was
experienced or lacked as a child may be at the basis here.

To  summarize  : Containment means  to  respond  calmly
and confidently to the child's existing tension, anger, ex-
citement and fear, without becoming tense, angry, exci-
ted or anxious.

As a parent, you act as a container or 'co-

327

holder' who opens up to the feelings, thoughts and needs
of the child, without judging them, but presents them as
processable pieces so that they can be better tolerated
and understood.

In this way you offer a comprehensive

and enveloping environment and you ensure an environ-
ment that provides a secure environment.

A 'holding en-

vironment' or protective environment according to Win-
nicotthat who devised this concept, characterized by ac-
ceptance, understanding, support, tolerance and con-
trol.

According to Bion, who invented the concept of con-

tainment, every development takes place in the interplay
of something that is included with something that en-
compasses it.

Both undergo hereby a change.

As a parent you can sometimes also feel the need for so-
meone who knows how to contain feelings of unrest, an-
ger, excitement or fear (containment) and can offer you
the experience of being seen and heard, understood and
supported (holding). This can make it better to be able
to offer a containment and holding environment for the
own  child. You  can  not  expect  this  understanding  and
support from your child which should not be appropri-
ate. Your partner, or another adult, possibly a care pro-
vider, may be able to help with this. In doing so, they can
ask and look for a healthy balance between support and
autonomy. From  experienced  understanding  and  sup-
port, parents can then use existing and found powers in
themselves. In  a  holding  environment,  parents  try  to
keep  emotions  that  are  activated  in  themselves  under

328

control, emotions such as excitement, anger, fear, impa-
tience and disappointment.  They try to offer a reliable
supply of trust and confirmation in a stable, affective cli-
mate.

As a child you may need containment as a result of the
pronounced  and  difficult  to  bear  emotional  con-
tent. Specifically, this can take the form of a need for so-
meone  who  knows  how  to  emotionally  tune  in  to  the
child  and  his/her  experience,  who  tries  to  understand
what goes on in the child and tries to bring this back into
the child's own language, so that contact and communi-
cation  becomes  possible,  as  well  as  mental  awareness
and verbalization. The holding that is offered here, holds
a grip, which means predictability, reliability and stead-
fastness.

In  this  way  babies  and  very  young  children  can  be
overwhelmed  by  powerful  feelings  of  frustration,  dis-
pleasure, despair, anger and fear. Because of their limi-
ted  development,  these  feelings  can  overwhelm  them
and  are  incomprehensible  to  them. Containment  then
asks for competence as a parent to absorb and regulate
these  powerful  feelings  so  that  the  child  can  safely
discharge  them. Holding  asks  for  competence  as  a  pa-
rent to know the position of the child and to keep uncer-
tainties  and  powerful  feelings  in  the  hand,  so  that  the
child  can  feel  that  someone  will  be  there  when  neces-
sary,  both  physically  and  emotionally.    The  emotional

329

availability of the parent allows the child to discover the
present  needs  behind  his  experienced  and  expressed
emotions. His  anger  is  then  a  need  for  help  for  expe-
rienced difficulties. His excitement then proves a need to
get  change  going,  without  knowing  how. His  fear  then
means a need for more security and support, or wanting
to  take  a  distance. The  protective  care  of  the  parent
guarantees  the  child  the  safety  it  needs. The  physical
touches  communicate  to  the  child  the  present  affec-
tion. Being emotionally present gives the child comfort
when in fear or in tension and let knows how to temper
the feelings.

Once the child is familiar with language, parents can con-
cretely help to identify the feelings, thoughts and needs
the child has to deal with, so that they can get a name
and the child can learn to talk and think about them and
thus  achieve  more  understanding  and  order  in  what  is
initially unclear and confusing. Parents can also help the
child to name their reaction tendencies and reactions so
that the child can gain more sight and insight into how
things are handled. From here it can eventually discover
and  try  out  other  possibilities  with  the  help  of  pa-
rents. Thus,  when  the  child  is  panicked,  or  furious,  or
helpless, with help by naming what is happening within
itself, the child can gain more insight into what is happe-
ning  and  with  help  by  means  of  knowing  how  to  deal
with this, looking for alternatives.

330

Containment and a holding environment must thus en-
sure safety, stability and protection for the child. A con-
text  in  which  can  be  taken  note  from  one's  own  expe-
rience  and  reaction,  which  must  allow  reflection  and
promote growth. A context that also allows the child to
temporarily fold back and, if necessary, fall back without
being rejected or criticized. The comprehensive support
can help to get faster and better over something.

All  children  may  need containment and  holding  when
confronted  with  emotions. Some  children  and  in  some
circumstances children will need this more. It is then im-
portant to be able to meet this.

Sensitive parents will then notice the need for contain-
ment of their child. If they are also responsive, they will
give an answer to the current need for holding of their
child. This  without  provoking  or  perpetuating  these
needs.

Noted need for containment of my child:

Meeting need for holding of my child:

Read more :
Bion ,  WR  (1961). Experiences  in  groups.London:
Tavistock.

332

From co-regulation
to self-regulation

The what and why of co-regulation

A child can not do anything at birth without the help of
an adult. A child at birth knows nothing at all about how
to deal with something. At the same time, the child has
to deal with many needs from birth, such as body tem-
perature, food, sleep, safety and predictability. These
needs arise when looking for an optimum, not too cold
or too hot, not hungry or thirsty, but also no over-satu-
ration, no stress and insecurity, but also no apathy or
flight. This optimum is often a balance between too little
and too much. No panicking, but also no absence or bloc-
king, in case of stress for example.

Adults play through the interactive process of co-re-
gulation an essential role in shaping and supporting
self-regulatory development of the child.

Self-regulation as the skill to get grip on emotions,
needs and behavior and to guide them.

333

Even if the child grows up, it will face new tasks and chal-
lenges, where the child can not handle it alone and does
not know how to deal with it or cope with it. Even then,
adults will be needed to help the child and show the way
to meet the needs or expectations that are present. How
to finally reach an optimum or balance. The concept of
adjustment refers to an optimal or balanced regulation.
The  concept  also  involves  adjustment  with  others  who
are responsible for an optimal or balanced regulation.

For what the child does not know how to regulate, adults
will be required to regulate it together with the child for
the part that the child can not yet manage. Where self-
regulation is not yet possible, there is a need for co-re-
gulation.  This  co-regulation  is  then  a  step  or  condition
for  self-regulation.  Read  more  about  self-regulation  in
the theme sections 'Self-regulation. The development of
more self' and 'Emotion- and self-regulation' of this en-
cyclopedia.

Also the child is not unconcerned in co-regulation. It tries
with its expression and reaction to indicate exactly what
it needs on the part of adults. It not only makes clear his
needs, but also his expectations how to meet them.

334

The importance of the cognitive in co-regulation

In co-regulation, the adults use their own developed cha-
racteristic cognitive schemes. On the basis of this, they
offer the child experiences that should lead to the deve-
lopment of his own cognitive schemes. The parents, for
example,  will  themselves  notice  the  signs  of  hunger  in
their child, they will interpret these signs as hunger or a
shortage  of  nutrients  and  they  will  feed  the  child  as  a
way  to  respond  to  hunger  and  to  satisfy  it.    Gradually,
the child can discover for himself which signals indicate
hunger, state the body condition as hunger and look for
what can satisfy the hunger, as previously the adults did
for him or her. In this way the child comes from co-regu-
lation to self-regulation, which concerns hunger and fee-
ding.  So  regulation  is  also  described  as  managing
thoughts and feelings to enable targeted actions.

All this indicates that the quality of parent-child interac-
tion  contributes  to  the  development  of  self-regulation
ánd  cognitive  development.  Within  a  secure  bond,  the
way is open for a positive sense of self.

Adjustment of co-regulation

The graph below shows the decreasing proportion of co-
regulation  and  the  increasing  share  of  self-regulation
throughout  the  different  stages  of  development,  from
birth to adulthood:

336

greater support, skills and coaching. They can be more
easily  overwhelmed  by  physical  sensations  such  as
sound,  touch,  sight  and  emotions,  and  probably  also
have  strong  reactions  to  this.  There  is  then  a  need  for
effective co-regulation, including the presence of a sup-
portive care provider in a quiet environment that creates
space  in  which  can  start  learning  self-regulating  skills.
You can read more about this in the theme section 'Brain
functioning and relational injuries' of this encyclopedia.

According to recent American research, strengthening of
self-regulation in childhood can improve resilience in la-
ter  life.    The  strengthening  of  the  research  focused  on
building  skills  in  youth,  improving  parental  emotional
support,  encouraging  communication  between  parents
and children and helping children set future goals. This
resulted in stronger connections in the form of more in-
teractions  between  the  hippocampus  and  prefrontal
cortex, areas involved in memory and decision making. It
also  meant  fewer  behavioral  problems,  from  agression
to temperament. This research showed that strengthe-
ning the self-regulation skills of children and supporting
parenting have a positive effect on resilience in later life.

The  well-known  concept  of  scaffolding  from  Vygotsky
comes  close  to  co-regulation.  In  this  context  there  is  a
zone of near development, within which the scaffolding
or declining support and counseling aid takes place. This
zone  is  located  between  the  developed  zone  and  the

337

zone  that  can  not  yet  be  developed.  In  the  developed
zone there is what the child already can do and there is
self-regulation, in the zone of near development there is
what the child can do with decreasing help and there is
co-regulation, finally in the not yet for development ac-
cesible zone, there is what the child can not do with help,
and in the logic used here is a other- regulation or full co-
regulation. You can read more about this in the theme
section 'Scaffolding, activating help' of this encyclopedia.

Four modes of co-regulation

There are four ways in which parents or other caregivers
can provide support that can help the child develop self-
regulatory  skills  and  meet  more  complex  regulatory
needs as self-regulation increases.

1.  Ensure  a  warm,  responsive  relationship  by  offering
care and affection; by recognizing and responding to sig-
nals that indicate needs and wishes; and by providing ca-
ring support in moments of stress.

Research by the University of Amsterdam shows that pa-
rents  who  constantly  put  themselves  in  their  child's
shoes  contribute  strongly  to  his  emotion  regulation.
Mind-minded parents always think about which autono-
mous feelings, thoughts, wishes and preferences of their
baby can explain his behavior. As a result, they are more
able to respond sensitively to the signals of their baby.

338

Their words better translate their baby's inner state so
that they fit in well with his behavior. For example, pa-
rents  can  help  to  co-regulate  the  baby's  internal  expe-
riences so that the baby learns not to experience emoti-
ons  as  overwhelming  and  overwhelming,  but  rather  as
manageable. This co-regulation of parent and baby can
slowly develop into self-regulation.

Through communication, word and deed, interest in the
world of the child, respect for the child and an uncondi-
tional positive appreciation, a strong relationship can be
built up.

2. Structuring the environment in order to make self-re-
gulation accessible and provide a buffer against environ-
mental stressors. A physically and emotionally safe envi-
ronment that allows exploring and learning at his or her
level of development without risk to one's own well-be-
ing.

Promoting  a  sense  of  security  through  consistent  and
predictable  routines,  including  through  clear  goals  for
behavioral regulation and definite logical consequences
for negative behavior.

3.  Teaching  and  coaching  self-regulation  skills  through
modeling,  instruction,  practice  opportunities,  high-
lighting skills and strengthening every step towards suc-
cessful use of skills.

339

Coaching first in learning skills and then provide the ne-
cessary support or scaffolding, for self-regulation at the
appropriate time.

4. As adults, focus on their own capacity for self-regula-
tion and optimization. Attention can be paid to feelings
and reactions during stressful interactions with the child.
This way attention can be paid to own thoughts and be-
liefs about child behavior. This way you can use strate-
gies  to  effectively  relax  and  respond  empathetically.
Such  as  deep  breathing and  self-talk,  for  example  'I  do
not let myself get excited', 'I had worse times with it'. By
staying calm yourself you avoid escalation and can be a
model for your child. If necessary, family or friends can
help with support, exercise and coaching, to build your
own coping and calm down skills.

Co-regulation in different development phases

Co-regulation  as  a  supporting  process  from  parent  to
child  is  different  in  each  development  phase  as  the
child's self-regulation increases.

Babies need adults who are responsible for their physical
needs  from  feeding  to  body  temperature  and  the  ma-
nagement of environmental stimuli. Infants react physi-
cally to stimuli around them, with little ability to change
their experience. They need adults who are sensitive to
their  needs  and  who,  due  to  their  soothing  presence,

340

meet their unease. For example, by comforting them or
removing environmental stressors.

Toddlers gradually acquire motor and language skills that
allow them to get a grip on their environment. However,
there are still distinct emotions and reactions that trans-
cend their developing skills. Caregivers can start with a
targeted model for skills, such as postponing satisfaction
and starting to teach them. They can teach them using
simple words to express needs. Adults are still responsi-
ble for a safe and manageable environment and for com-
fort and reassurance when they become stressed.

Preschoolers  experience  rapid  growth  in  areas  of  the
brain linked with self-regulation. This development ma-
kes them much more willing to learn and use self-regu-
lation skills. This is the ideal time for caregivers to learn
such  as  emotional  identification,  problem  solving,  per-
spective and calming strategies. Children will need a sub-
stantial  repetition,  incentive  and  exercise  to  use  these
new  skills.  Modeling  these  skills  is  also  important,
because children have to look at how to behave and res-
pond. Co-regulation in this phase involves learning in a
powerful  way  and clearly  communicating behavior  and
natural and logical consequences. As in the previous de-
velopment traineeships, infants still need structured and
predictable  environments  and  warm  and  responsive
care  providers  that  provide  a  supportive  context  for
practicing new skills.

341

Learning requires the development of self-regulation

Self-regulation, in the form of a cognitive ability to regu-
late  one's  own  thoughts  and  behavior  by  inhibiting  or
controlling impulsive responses, remembering and pro-
cessing  information,  as  well  as  being  able  to  maintain
and shift attention focus. Self-regulation is necessary to
focus on and solve problems, as well as to plan and carry
out tasks. Self-regulation is also important for the deve-
lopment of social skills, such as when playing and inter-
acting  with  other  children,  as  well  as  for  developing
school  skills  such  as  learning  to  read,  write  and  solve
math problems. A child needs self-regulation to maneu-
ver in a complex world and take advantage of the lear-
ning opportunities around it.

Children's home environments can enhance their ability
to regulate their own behavior. However, experiencing a
lack of structure, a chaotic or a stressful home situation
can  hinder  the  development  of  self-regulation.  The
school can then give children the opportunity to develop
self-regulation. All children have the potential for this.

Many studies have been conducted in the United States
showing  a  link  between  self-regulation  and  academic
skills. For example, a link was found between self-regu-
lation and literacy and between self-regulation and rea-
ding and math skills when children go to first grade.  Self-

342

regulation is thus important in learning new skills and ac-
quiring new knowledge, especially when a learning task
is difficult. Once a skill has been automated, self-regula-
tion should then be applied less.

It  turned  out that children's  vocabulary  is  predictive  of
their  self-regulation  in  the  first  year,  but  not  the  other
way around. The promotion of language is such an im-
portant tool to enable children to develop their self-re-
gulation.  In  this  way  they  can  regulate  their  behavior
through the use of their inner language.

In  primary  school  age  children  gain  more  control  over
their attention, emotions and behavior. They have a gro-
wing ability to control their impulses and slow down sa-
tisfaction,  and  they  are  aware  of  their  thought  proces-
ses, emotions and decision-making. It is a relatively sta-
ble period in their development that provides ample op-
portunity to instruct and guide them in the use of self-
regulatory skills. The provided co-regulation helps to im-
prove and refine their skills in the run-up to increasing
expectations in adolescence.

In adolescence, the brain is in full development which en-
tails both benefits and challenges for self-regulation. Ini-
tially, brain systems that process and seek rewards are
more developed than the cognitive control systems that
are  responsible  for  good  decision  making  and  future

343

planning.  This  means  that  adolescents  initially  opt  for
short-term  incentives  rather  than  long-term  benefits,
and their emotions strongly influence their decisions. In
order to avoid negative consequences in the long term
the supportive input of adults remains necessary. Ado-
lescents  take  more  distance  during  their  development
and seek more independence, yet a warm and accepting
relationship with a caring adult remains important.

Adolescents  need  adults  who  can  listen  supportively
when dealing with strong emotions, providing space and
support to settle down in conflict, and coping skills
to handle stressful situations. Likewise, they need care-
givers to monitor their actions, protect them from dan-
gerous situations and offer support for responsible choi-
ces. For example, adolescents sometimes realize what is
harmful to them, but their self-regulating skills can not
always stop them. In doing so, they need experiences to
develop  good  self-regulation.  Meaningful  social  inter-
actions and pleasant activities can so contribute to the
development  of  skills  that  are  the  basis  of  self-regula-
tion.

This means a pronounced acceleration in the increase of
self-regulating  skills  in  adolescence.  Yet  self-regulation
skills  are  only  fully  developed  in  late  adolescence  or
young adulthood.

346

Deconstruction and
construction in paren-
ting

Changes  can  occur  by  working  on  things  that  are  con-
nected, in particular by changing these connections. This
way the connections can be loosened or other connec-
tions  can  be  found.  Or connections  can  be  adjusted  or
things can be added. Or another arrangement may still
be  sought  between  the  connections. Several  of  these
change processes can go hand in hand.

In order for these connections to change in reality or in
a person's behavior, it is first and foremost advisable to
change them on a mental level. What you think and how
you think about something.

Deconstruction is separating in our thoughts what
should better be not together.

Construction is bringing together in mind what
helps and offers opportunities.

347

Deconstruction means to seperate things that are con-
nected to each other, but which are not very helpful and
work  restricting,  so  that  a  new  combination  becomes
possible.

Construction means to connect things that are not con-
nected to each other, whereby a possibly existing limita-
tion  can  be  overcome  and  more  helpful  possibilities
could be tried out. It is not so much about what is right,
or  who  is  right,  but  about  what  works,  is  usable  and
creates opportunities.

an example :
expressing criticism does not automatically or necessarily
mean
.. scold ..
.. breaking down your child ..
.. make your child responsible ..

expressing criticism is possibly also
.. quietly formulate what it is about ..
.. show respect for your child and indicate with what you
  did not agree ..
.. indicate with what you have difficulty yourself ..

By  making  connections  different  or  making  other  con-
nections,  you  will  achieve  more  optimal  conversation
and  behavioral  interaction  with  your  child. In  this  way
connections can also be made that better serve your set-

348

up and goals and help you, rather than limit and hinder
you.

an example :
I as a parent does not automatically or necessarily mean
.. I figure myself away ..
.. I do not want to hurt my child ..
.. I do not want to ruin the pleasant atmosphere ..

being a parent can also be like that
.. I will not let myself down ...
.. express your appreciation for your child's proposal
  and indicate that you had formed a different vision ..
.. consultation can also be done in a pleasant way
  not to bring tensions or shouts with it ..

The  problematic  conversation  and  behavioral  interac-
tion  can  be  exchanged  for  a  healthy  conversation  and
behavioral interaction with your child.

another example :
friendly interaction with your child is not automatic or ne-
cessary
           .. do everything together ..
           .. the same thinking ..
           .. have the same taste and preference ..

friendly association with your child is possibly also

349

... what you do better together do together, what better
    off for every one does it alone ...
.. you may have your own thought, which is not critized  ..
.. discover and exchange together in which your taste and
your preference is different ..

a final example:
succeeding as a parent does not mean self-evident
.. the acquisition of power ..
.. have the material equipment for saying ..
.. winning of your child ..

succeeding as a parent can also be done by
.. the acquisition of influence ..
.. making available material possibilities ..
.. winning the child for you ..

With the first connections you stand as a parent against
your child, with the second connections you are concer-
ned as parent with your child.

Causal connections
Things  are  often  connected  to  each  other  that  do  not
really  or  not  have  much  to  do  with  each  other. For
example, as a parent, you can help your child with fixed
opinions  and  lasting  feeling  by  opening  up  causalities
and constructing new connections.

350

some examples :
being sympathetic can be for your child
                  .. being fashionable ..
                  .. being spontaneous ..
                  .. look cool ..

Being bullied can be according to your child
             .. do not agree with others ..
             .. not participating with others ..
             .. don't look cool ...

being accepted can, according to your child, be associa-
ted  with
             .. lucky that others like you ..
             .. always depend on others ..
             .. you adapt to others ..

Causes  are  sometimes  attributed  to  immutable  things
and things outside themselves, so that you can not take
part in them yourself.

an example :
young people with social problems attribute this to fac-
tors other than those who succeed socially.  Those who
experience social problems often attribute their failures
to  their  own  unchangeable  causes  such  as  personality
(introvert, shy, ...) or low social skills (difficult to express,
do not know how to make friends, ...) en attributes their

351

successes  mostly  to  non-changeable  characteristics  of
others (is sweet, is not hostile, ...) or luck or coincidence.

Those who do not have problems usually attribute suc-
cess to their own changeable elements, such as commit-
ment and approach.  Making a different look at the ori-
gin,  could  therefore  already  make  a  big  difference  in
own initiative and give a chance in itself.

Things  are  also  rightly  or  wrongly  connected  to  each
other and thus reflect a causal chain effect and possibly
also  a  circular  effect. Often,  however,  one  does  not
come that far.

an example of causal chain effect:
why did it fail? (it is ... a possible conversation, a task, a
discussion, a collaboration, ...)
it failed because I was nervous
why were you nervous?
I was nervous because I feared to fail
why did you fear to fail?
I feared to fail because I thought I could not
why did you think you could not?
I thought I could not because it failed the last time
why did you remember that it failed the last time?
I  remembered  my  failure  because  I  keep  looking  at
something from my experience
why did you watch from your experience?
because I observed myself

352

why did you observe yourself?
I observed myself because it threatened to fail
why did it threaten to fail?
it threatened to fail because I was nervous ...

an example of circular effect:
why do you annoy your friend?
I'm annoying my friend because he's annoying me
why does your friend annoy you?
my friend is annoying me because I'm annoying him
why do you annoy your friend? ...

Or  still  a  consequence  is  interpreted  as  cause  or  a  too
small fragment of the cause-effect chain is taken.

an example :
Why are you so alone here?
I am here so alone because they want to bully me and
because they are real bullies

The plague setting is described here as the cause for the
consequences of exclusion.  Bullying can also be descri-
bed as a result of another cause, such as an underlying
territory, identity or social power struggle.

an example :
why are they bullying you?
they bully me because I can not just be excluded, I urge
myself, I do not let others talk, I demand that they follow

353

my  proposals,  I  ask  them  about  their  plans,  I  want  to
know everything about them.

My own actions are also involved in the development of
bullying  behavior  and  I  can  do  something  more  about
this.

Another and second causal thinking may lead to a diffe-
rent perspective that allows you to change your actions,
which  is  difficult  if  you  do  not  change  your  idea. This
other thinking can be characterized by being more rea-
listic, more nuanced and more reasonable, allowing you
to  see  your  share  more  accurately. Putting  the  origin
outside of yourself for things you now take for your own
account. Then once again placing the origin within your-
self, for things that you now place outside yourself. Then
once again placing the origin inside and outside yourself,
for things that you now only see outside or inside your-
self, so not feeding each other. To change the other per-
son  is  not  possible  or  not  easy,  but  you  can  change
yourself.    Only  you  do  not  get  easy  through  this  emo-
tionally  and  you  have  to  allow  it  yourself. You  wonder
what  your  goal  is,  how  you  work  towards  it,  what  you
have to change or allow yourself to do.

an example :
currently just about everyone leaves me behind
So I intend to have a good contact with at least one per-
son at the end of a certain period. I radiate this desire and

354

work  in  my  expression  and  act  accordingly. What  does
not work, I leave. I try out what helps me a step closer. I
try to learn from what goes a step backwards. I do not
allow  my  actions  to  be  determined  by  the negativity of
the others to me. In this way I give access to myself and I
attract others by at least my constructive and not conti-
nuous defensive attitude.

another example :
I have always had a hard time finding a connection with
a group
I always do my best to be accepted and do not dare to do
anything that would endanger this, even though I have
to do things that I do not fully support. I feel very depen-
dent on others and would like to change this.

I imagine offering myself what I offer to others :   such as
appreciating  myself,  following  myself,  accepting  who  I
am,  resolving  what  does  not  help  me  and  stopping  me
from not taking it up for myself, keeping what I want as
individuality,  paying  attention  to  myself,  letting  myself
know, leading to myself, support and defend myself and
challenge what I do not agree with. In this way I hope to
express  myself  more  clearly  and  to  stand  stronger  and
not to suffer without defense and not to be someone who
I am not.

355

Another possibility is to challenge the obviousness of the
(causal) connections : do they have consequences or ef-
fects? also in the longer term? what side effects or other
consequences? commitment-result  ratio?  which  mis-
match scores and exceptions? which alternatives lead to
the same result?   Through a more realistic, nuanced and
fact-based  view  know  how  to  relativate  and  get  out  of
rigid  coupling  and  look  for  other  possible  more  loose
connections with the same result.

A  final  option  is  to  make  cause  and  effect  interchan-
geable via a larger circle.

an example :
agressive  behavior  is  often  seen  as  the  cause  of  much
mischief,  but  rarely  as  a  result  of  something  that  pre-
ceded and rarely seen as an expression of a state percei-
ved to be tense.

Very  often  then  this  agression  is  discussed  as  a  cause,
but  the  agression  is  not  seen  as  a  result  and  expres-
sion. In the first case, the agressor must be tackled, and
in the second case that what caused the agression in the
agressor. By taking the circle larger the cause and effect
are interchangeable.

one last example:
those who bully are often spared by peers, but not always
liked. By adults, those who  bully  are usually dealt  with,

356

and not at all liked. His bullying behavior is seen as the
cause  for  the  suffering  someone  inflicted. The bully is
then labeled as perpetrator who victimizes someone. Re-
search  shows  that bullies  are also  often  victims  in  their
wider  environment. Their  unpleasant  behavior  is  often
the  result  of  the  harsh  and  unethical  approach  of  their
environment  and  the  problems  they  themselves  expe-
rience. For  example,  a  recent  Finnish  study  shows  that
girls  in  particular  suffer  from  a  poor  self-esteem  and
school fatigue and some show depressions and suicidal
tendencies. Feeling  unwell  in  their  living  environment
that tries to keep prevalence and does not always under-
stand  and  help  them  sufficiently,  can  make  themselves
feel victim, which is reflected in the biting off of peers and
the right to be equally hard for others like those others
are to them.

Here again, finally, cause and effect are interchangeable
by enlarging the image.  Viewed from here, bullies have
the same right to and need for emotional and social help
as their victims.  Help that is still given too little, from a
moral standpoint and not from a process-based attitude.

361

Subgroup formation

Wherever people live together, it can be established that
group relationships arise. These groupings provide stabi-
lity, security, safety, understanding, support, help, reco-
gnisability,  recognition,  appreciation,  influence  and  so
much  more. Few can do without  this connection. It  of-
fers  prevention  for  instability,  insecurity,  isolation,  in-
comprehension,  vulnerability,  helplessness,  strange-
ness,  misunderstanding,  worthlessness,  powerlessness
and so much more.

For some, the participating to a group is the core of their
existence  and  their  lives. They  have  a  lot  to  do  with
this. They therefore wish to do a lot of labor and effort

Subgroups can arise in a group.

This offers opportunities,
but at the same time involves risks.

362

to belong to such a group. Sometimes one can be part of
such a group, sometimes one will want to create such a
group. However,  if  the  found  or  established  groups  do
not  sufficiently  satisfy  what  one  needs  or  expects,  it  is
easy to find or create a subgroup that is able to provide
this sufficient.

The advantage of a subgroup is that you can find or form
a powerful group in which you can fully identify yourself
and can come into its own easily. The disadvantage of a
subgroup is, however, that not everyone in the group is
included. On  the  contrary,  who  undermines  or  endan-
gers what one seeks in the subgroup is easily excluded
and  pushed  away. The  subgroup  is  hereby  called  in  to
disable who is not accepted. At the most, people who do
not belong to it are used as binders from the joint strug-
gle for those who do belong.

Group formation may not be avoided. What takes place
within the subgroup is experienced as more valuable and
emotionally  more  positive  than  what  falls  out-
side. However, it easily results in a closed group, it makes
it not easy for the person who falls outside, it victimizes
him,  it  expresses  everything  that  is  less  valuable  and
emotionally negative and gives him little or no chance, it
introduces the conflict within the group and gives rise to
struggle and resistance, it sharpens the opposition and
the distance, it increases the mutual unwillingness and
powerlessness, it lures out what one wants to avoid.

363

There is a high risk that those who are excluded from the
group  by  subgroup  training  will  resort  to  another  pos-
sible earlier subgroup and no longer simply want to join
the  current  group. This  is  precisely  why  the  subgroup
formation is provoked. Someone excludes himself from
the group by holding on to another subgroup.

By  ensuring  that  everyone  can  belong  to  the  group  or
join him, how own or different too, effort can be made
to extend what is better or more valuable, or what feels
better and does not generate negative feelings to what
lives  with  each  and  what  each  needs. By  inviting  each
with  its  individuality  to  be  part  of  the  larger  and  com-
plete  group  relationship,  looking  for  something  that  is
better  and  valuable  can  be  extended  to  the  diversity
found,  so can  also  be  found  out  how  pleasant  and  not
uncomfortable  with  the  individuality  of  everyone  it  is,
and can what is at first strange made familiar.

That this usually does not happen automatically, will of-
ten require great efforts to be satisfied with what is hap-
pening  within  the  whole  group. It  will,  however,  be  so
that everyone will show a greater willingness and com-
mitment  to  make  this  happen. After  all,  everyone  has
the benefit of being able to find in the large group what
everybody needs.

364

In a group, natural subgroups can sometimes be recogni-
zed. Subgroups  that  formed  a  group  and  expanded  af-
terwards. Subgroups  with  a  great  affinity  with  each
other, for example with a common history. They are of-
ten subgroups with an openness to the larger whole of
the group and an involvement with it. These subgroups,
no matter how large the inner coherence, feel enrolled
in the larger whole. They use their strength for broader
participation and not for isolation of themselves or the
group environment. These subgroups can at most be dis-
tinguished.

The drama in organized subgroup formation is often that
everyone tries to find shelter within a subgroup because
one can not up against or is afraid of the observed or as-
sumed subgroups. For example, one subgroup provokes
the further formation of other subgroups. For example,
everyone  is  looking  for  support  and  strength  in  a  sub-
group and it is gradually becoming necessary to secure
the  buffer  that  it  can  offer. That  group  fragmentation
can  easily  form  the  breeding  ground  for  conflicts  and
struggle is then built into the group division. In order not
to  be  excluded  one  seeks  to  belong  somewhere. This,
however, triggers the spiral of exclusion.  Who belongs
to where  and  who  does  not  is  then  precisely  selected
and  decided.    Whoever  falls  outside  should  only  count
on little attention and care. It is already difficult enough
to pay attention and care to those who are part of the
demanding subgroup.

365

Those  who  want  to  be  part  of  a  non-natural  subgroup
are  often  subject  to  a  number  of  conditions,  require-
ments,  expectations  and  obligations. These  do  not  al-
ways  match  those  who  sought  contact  with  the  sub-
group, possibly because of age, advanced development,
skills  and  experience. For  example,  someone  is  some-
times  used,  or  misused,  and  his  own  personality  and
development are, to a greater or lesser extent, compro-
mised. Being part of the subgroup is then possible at the
expense  of  itself  and  its  growth. In  extreme  cases  this
can take the form of giving up his individuality to merge
with the subgroup. The own boundary then disappears
and coincides with the subgroup.  From that unit the pre-
vious individual limits are ignored and exceeded. It can
range from pronounced interference to takeover.

If a family wants as a group a chance again for openness,
supporting and reinforcing each other, unity, friendship,
solidarity,  closeness,  familiarity,  understanding, equa-
lity, individuality, feelings of relaxation and feelings of af-
fection, then work will have to be done of global group
formation with reduction of the closed subgroup forma-
tion.  Contact, communication and interaction will have
to be found and found with everyone who is part of the
family  group. Certainly  initially  not  an  easy  task,  which
can only progressively start a spiral of mutual rapproche-
ment and finding each other. A process of letting go per-
haps  too  safe  subgroups  with  insecurity  to  the  outside
and looking for a less secure group with less insecurity to

366

the  outside,  an  outside  that  gradually  disappears. A
group where each is valued less for its value in use, but
more for its value of being and its input.

These processes of subgroup formation can now also be
recognized in the family as a group. Besides the natural
subgroup formation of parents as partners with an open
orientation, and of brothers and sisters as children with
a  reinforcing  influence,  subgroup  formation  with a  clo-
sed character and a weakening effect externally can be
recognized. So can an adult or child be excluded from a
subgroup, or can an adult or child be attracted to a sub-
group. Disunity,  hostility,  isolation,  distance,  strange-
ness, unfamiliarity, incomprehension, inferiority, loss of
identity,  feelings  of  tension  and  feelings  of  disgust  are
lurking. What one actually wanted to avoid by resorting
to  a  subgroup,  is  precisely  the  breeding  ground  for
this. More and more the effect of this negative spiral is
being felt in contradictions and mutual conflict. The risk
is then real that who is excluded seeks refuge in an ear-
lier,  for  example  familial,  subgroup  or  forms  a subdivi-
sion, for example a non-natural coalition, and no longer
wishes to participate or join the larger family group.

371

child friendly, confident and cooperative. A different ap-
proach or objective could have appealed to his unfrien-
dliness, distrust and opposition.

Idea 2:
Characteristics are not in the child, but between the child
and  his  environment. It  is  only  which  ones  are  activa-
ted. Which outer side of the child is awakened.

Example:
Friendliness,  trust  and  cooperation  or  the  contrary  un-
kindness, distrust and opposition do not exist in themsel-
ves. They only come to life  in  the current interaction of
the  child  with  the  environment. These  characteristics
may be activated from the outside or the child activates
them in his interaction with the environment.

It is assumed, as illustrated, that both the environment
and the child can address a part or activate a side. The
environment can do this directly through its actions, but
also indirectly by offering a situation or context.

Both  ideas  form  part  of  the reference model  in  which
cognitive  schemas  are  central. Cognitive  schemas,  on
the one hand, refer to what is picked up by the addres-
sed part. Cognitive schemas, on the other hand, can also
refer  to  how  something  is  dealt  with  by  the  activated
side. What is  picked up is  the comprehension concept,

372

how something is  approached forms the behavioral fil-
ling. Conceptual filling and behavioral filling are the two
components of a cognitive schema that is addressed or
activated.

In  the referential model,  this  conceptual  content  and
this behavioral content are central, whereas in other mo-
dels, the thinking and behavior manner used to receive
a  lot  of  attention. Thinking  and  behavior  that  were
mainly taught from the outside. This is in contrast to the
thinking  content  and  behavioral  content  that  is  mainly
the result of externally processed information and inter-
nally personal experience.

The fact that the content is central makes it immediately
clear why each child picks up and deals with a situation
or event differently, even if the environment sometimes
has a uniform approach.

Example :
"If you promise to be calm, you can come along."  I speak
to the schema

‘calmly’ and ask to pick it up like that. I try

to activate the schema and ask for it to be addressed.
"If you stop screaming, we can talk about it." I try to de-
activate the screaming scheme and ask for a different ap-
proach. I try to appeal to the schema

‘talking’ and ask for

it to be picked up like this.

373

In this example, you can immediately find that schemas
as  being  calm  can  not  only  be  awakened,  but  that  you
can also try to extinguish schemas as screaming.

For example, it may be attempted to mute a part or side
by a deactivating approach (no attention or encourage-
ment  for  this  part  or  that  side),  and  to  awake  another
part  or  another  side  of  the  child  by  an  activating  ap-
proach (to appeal to or encourage this part or that side).

Example :
The irritable child scheme is discouraged in favor of the
stress-resistant child scheme that  is  encouraged  in  the
child. 'Fear is a bad counselor, cold-bloodedness can save
you'. We can also appeal to the stress-resistant child to
help deactivate the stressful child. 'You've already shown
that you can handle this if you manage to keep your ner-
ves  under  control.'   Conversely,  you  can  also  appeal  to
the stressful child not to jeopardize the chances for the
stress-resistant child. 'If you stay here, you miss the op-
portunity to prove yourself that it can also be done diffe-
rently and that you know how to find your resilience and
bring it in the foreground.

It may be a good idea however not to neglect the schema
that you place in the background or that is deactivated
by the environment and to pay attention to it at a diffe-
rent  or  later  time. If  it  is  stored  away,  what  disturbs  is

374

taken away, but on the other hand it can leave a void and
gap, so that there is no support or balance.

Example :
As a child you can expect from yourself not to give it up.
Just like what the parents try to address you. Neverthe-
less,  it  may  be  useful  to  pay  some  attention  to  your
doubts and hesitations in good time. They can help you
as a child to adjust in time your chosen direction, taking
into account your feelings and your needs.

As a young person you can easily be inclined to partici-
pate in what other young people expect. Your resistance
is then stored away.  Nevertheless, it may be useful not
to neglect your resistance completely. She may indicate
that you and your needs do not get enough attention.

Yet it can generally be useful if necessary to activate suf-
ficiently your self-confident part and its strong side - I can
do something, I know something, ... -, rather than being
stuck in its overly insecure part and its weak side - I can
not do anything, I know nothing, ...

If this does happen, an attempt can be made to make a
switch to the more self-assured part or the strong side,
or it may be attempted to approach and assist the un-
certain part or the weak side from this part or side. "Are
you sure you can not or do not know anything. Nothing
at all, never at all, thinks everyone so, too ...? '

375

It is possible that young people only show their deman-
ding part or demanding side. With demands for themsel-
ves  or  for  the  environment. Young  people can then  be
helped by also offering their chances offering part or op-
portunity side. With opportunities for themselves or for
their environment.

Example:
Perhaps young people allow themselves to be easily in-
spired by adults for their demanding attitude. They can
be taught that there is a second track, with an opportu-
nity offering attitude. With opportunities to use and not
to be forgotten. 'It can, I can, you can, ...'

Risk

As an outside world, you can unintentionally activate too
many  undesirable  or  less  desirable  schemes  in  young
people, for example, excitement or resistance, feeling of
powerlessness  or  uncertainty. The danger is that these
schemes will be easily activated again in new and other
situations,  with  even  more  unfavorable  or  undesirable
effects  as  a  result. For  example,  a  repressive  environ-
ment  can  easily  activate  a self-protective attitude
among young people, or a classification of the environ-
ment  in  acceptable  and  objectionable.    In  this  way,
young people risk coming into contact with new environ-
ments in the same way, resulting in a repulsive or con-
trary  attitude,  and  with  a  division  of  what  they  accept

376

and what they ignore or reject. There is not much to be
noticed from an openly accommodating attitude.

Example:

Recent  American  research  shows  that  when  educators
and coaches make young people with delinquent and de-
structive  behavior  feel  like  they  matter,  this  delinquent
and destructive behavior can be reduced.  Adults outside
the  family  can  contribute  to  reducing  juvenile  crime.  If
they can feel themself useful and important to others, it
can help prevent at-risk adolescents from moving in the
direction of delinquency and dangerous behavior. Some-
thing that could jeopardize their future and possibly bring
them  into  contact  with  courts.  Giving  them  the  feeling
that they are being noticed, needed and socially accepted
by other adults than their parents can push them in the
right direction.

Opportunities

Research indicates that the wider the range of schemas
about themselves as a young person - as who, what and
how  they  are  for  themselves  -  the  more  opportunities
they have to handle different situations and events and
to  respond  appropriately  and  flexibly.  It's  not  so  much
about  integrating  these  different  sides  and  parts  of
themselves, but rather allowing them to coexist so that

377

problems can be tackled from specific facets of themsel-
ves,  without  overpowering  or  completely  drawing  it
themselves. For example, the self-schema they appeal to
on one level in the face of a difficulty or a failure will not
necessarily disrupt another self-schema that can be used
on  another  level.  In  this  way,  a  young  person  can  also
continue to experience himself as valuable overall, even
if a part fails in a limited domain. Increasing relatively in-
dependent and distinct ways of experiencing oneself can
provide more stability, strength, resilience and appreci-
ation.

Example :

Due to repeated injuries, a youngster does not come into
his own as a player in his club. However, he can count on
his home, as a son and as a brother he feels good, even
as a friend between friends he feels safe and secure. His
weekend  job  as  a  helper  also  offers  him  a  lot  of  satis-
faction  and  recognition. Finally,  he  can  use  his  creative
talent in his hobby.

The young person can also be invited to look for different
parts, sides or facets of himself as diverse identities that
can  entail  multiple  possibilities  and  strengths.  To  this
end,  the  young  person  can  observe  his  own  feelings,
thoughts and actions and try to become aware of under-
lying  parts,  sides  or  facets.  The  young  person  can  also
observe relevant others in order to discover facets such

378

as diverse identities of themselves through their fee-
lings, thoughts and actions. In this way the youngster can
gradually find and build up his own identity(s) or identity
facets that can offer him optimal opportunities in various
situations and in which he can find himself. Due to the
diverse and changeable nature of current situations, this
requires a permanent task to constantly search for facets
of himself that suit him and the situation.

Tine can be both sweet and unfriendly, as
cheerful, as wild, as unacceptable, as angry, as
inaccessible, as playful, as serious, as despon-
dent, as enthusiastic, as open, as withdrawn.

Rino can be rough as well as brutal, as calm, as
opposed, as cooperative, as near, as
headstrong, as funny, as docile, as critical, as
expressive, als dominant, as caring.

How can we appeal to Tine or activate her, or how can
she do this herself ?
How can we appeal Rino to muffle his being like that,
or can we deactivate his behavior, or how can he let
go of this himself?

What we found
:

The question is:

379

What can you do for your child?
1. Check for yourself which schema in concrete you
want to appeal in your child or
activate:
2. Consider how you could address this schema or
activate it:
3. Check for yourself which schema
in concrete with your child would you want to mute or
de-activate :
4. Consider how you might mute this schema or
de-activate it :

  What can the child do for himself?
1. Check for your child which schema your child

We can try to approach Rino in such a way that the bru-
tal and rough stops in him. We leave him alone for a
moment, hoping to appeal the calm down schema in
him and to deactivate the protest schema. Rino can also
address his self-management or schema in himself and
deactivate his anger. He can then exchange the schema
excitement for the schema being relaxed.

We can address Tine in such a way that it creates a
situation or context in which certain cognitive sche-
mas are activated. For example, we say: "Hey, Tine!
What great of you! " then there is a lot of chance to
see the sweet Tine. Tine can also appeal to the
cheerful girl or schema in herself. We then see a li-
vely and playful person.

Our answer is:

381

Thinking on

Nina her care
"Why don

’t you say you're not coming?", her mother

wants to know. Nina keeps her lips together. She fights
the pain she has felt in her knee for a few days. She does
not want to drop out and hide behind a faint excuse in
the eyes of her peers. She also does not want to accept
this for herself, that she has pain in her knee again. Pain
that kept her home for a long time a time ago.

For  Nina  there  is  a  lot  going  through  her  head  at  the
same  time. The  pain  that  plagues  her  again. The  party
that  she  does  not  want to  miss. The carefree teenager
she wants to be, just like everyone else. Her image of not
being  faint  and  being  reliable. She  does  not  want  her

A thinking can be on or off.

If it is on, then a major influence will be on behavior
and experience.

382

mother to remind her of her painful knee and disturb her
with her fear. Not everything that concerns her goes to-
gether. She prefers to be a careless teenager who is not
disturbed  by  her  mother. But the pain and her mother
constantly awaken in her thoughts that she can not sim-
ply ignore. They threaten what she chooses to be occu-
pied with, the adolescent who is carefree and lively. Just
like her peers and someone who you can count on. Not
that she constantly thinks of all this at once. But in some
way  she  is  working  on  it  and  it  influences  what  she
thinks, what she feels, what she says, what she does and
how  she  reacts. As  if  never  completely  gone,  or  as  if
quickly back there. As if actively present, or latently pre-
sent, more or less, but still influencing her.

Nicolas without care?
"You don

’t think about nothing!", replies Nicolas Mom,

but  Nicolas  is  not  there  with  his  thoughts.    He  came
home  without  a  coat,  without  paying  attention  to  the
time, his mum had been worried.  And what about the
coat.  He  had  come  home  because  of  the  rain,  did  he
knew where his coat had gone, nor was it his care, To-
morrow  they  would  know.    For  Nicolas,  time  and  stuff
are not an issue.  Not at his age, he is not busy with that.
That  his  mum  does  annoying,  he  has  to  face  that,  alt-
hough he thinks that she is exaggerating, so it is not yet
that  late.   Time  is  not  something  he  keeps  in  mind,  let
alone his clothes.  Avoiding that his mum is annoying him
is the only thing that concerns him now.  He hopes that

383

it will pass quickly by paying little attention to it, at most
to put it in perspective for his mommy, who must know
him anyway.  For Nicolas is actively present in thoughts,
his mum and her exaggerate, and latently present, who
he is and that this should be familiar. Are not active or
latently present, his stuff and time. For Nicolas, little is
going through his mind at the same time, as if he wants
to keep his head free for important things, or things that
may have to come, or could come. Great things that he
sometimes  dreams  of,  but  which  unfortunately  never
become reality. He is then latent directed towards this.

Memory schemes
Nina  and  Nicolas  are  each  dealing  with  very  different
matters  and  are  focused  on  completely  different  mat-
ters. What is latently present in the background is  also
very different.

What someone is actively working on in his thoughts, or
what is latent for someone, will easily attract his atten-
tion if something in reality corresponds with it, or is con-
nected with it. For example, Nina will be very sensitive to
the  attitude  and  reaction  of  other  peers  towards
her. This way, Nicolas will feel very touched if something
special happens in his immediate surroundings. As if so-
mething in their head is active or sensitive to what is hap-
pening in the outside world.

384

You  can  compare  it  with  something  that  is  familiar  or
known and that something opens up a whole stored re-
ality very quickly and easily. This stored reality as a syn-
thesis of previous experiences takes the form of memory
schemes. For every reality there is such a schema in your
head that is activated in contact with reality. Once acti-
vated,  it  remains  active  or  latently  available,  so  that  it
makes  contact  with  reality  easier. This  quickly  creates
image formation and can easily be responded to in  the
appropriate situations and circumstances.

So we have a number of opened and already open sche-
mes. Here, one scheme can open the other or keep the
other open. Nina feels pretty helpless lately, she notices
that she is not so loved, other children are not so enthu-
siastic in her presence, it seems like she is cool, or at least
that happens. Her mama does not understand her either
and puts her under pressure, she does not feel so under-
stood and accommodated, as if nobody cares about her
and really cares for her. The knee again that makes it dif-
ficult for her as a game breaker.  It makes her feel as if
she is a failure, it prevents her from being coquettish. Ra-
ther, she feels plump and awkward. This makes her feel
worthless, maybe stupid. This coincidence of emotional
thoughts  makes  her  feel  sad. Memory  schemes  like
helpless,  unloved,  cool,  misunderstood,  not-taken  care
of,  plump,  awkward,  worthless,  stupid  activate  each
other easily and arouse in her increasingly the emotional
schema sadness. A part of one memory scheme can be

385

formed or linked with another memory scheme or part
thereof. Thus, helplessness can be unloved or wake up
stupidity. It  will  be  the  case  otherwise  I  was  not  so
helpless. There is a risk that Nina will turn around in cir-
cles, she will stay in her sadness and will hold herself in
this. Only when other schemes could also be opened, a
different feeling could come to the foreground and help
to offer a way out.

We have a number of preference schemes and a number
of  dislike  schemes. Some  schemes  we  prefer  to  be
opened and activated. I like my best friend in the neigh-
borhood, or I like to think about him or her. Or respecti-
vely we prefer that some schemes are not opened and
activated. I do not like my stubborn and dominant bro-
ther or sister in my neighborhood, he or she is the last
person I would like to think about. You want to go, hold,
repeat  and  restore  the  reality  that  one  scheme  stands
for. You want to leave, let go, avoid and prevent the re-
ality that the other schemes stand for.

Opening schemes
Schemes can be opened by reality and the concrete ele-
ments in it. This way the anxious child can be opened by
an  emerging  danger.  They  can  also  be  opened  by  the
child  himself.    In  this  way  the  insecure  child  can  be
opened  by  what  the  child  thinks  or  fears. Also  bystan-
ders, like you as a parent, can open certain schemes wi-
thin your child. This way the fragile child can be opened

386

by constantly taking over from your child. These sche-
mes can be in line with each other. Like the anxious child,
who is both insecure and fragile at the same time. They
can also contradict each other. Like the anxious and in-
secure child, who is reminded by you as a parent of his
resilience which he can show in other circumstances.

This way attention can be paid to the circumstances for
your child, in order to activate favorable schemas. Or
you can help the child to activate favorable schemes that
offer opportunities and chances. And as a parent you can

sad

helpless

cool

failure

clumsy

worthless

unkept

stupid

not-loved

misunder-

stood

387

try to activate schemas with your child that offer growth
opportunities and keep them active.

Influence schemes
Each scheme contains a set of contents that have to do
with  the  context  of  reality  in  which  they  can  emerge,
with what that reality is and what is characteristic of it,
and with how to deal with it and respond to it. Its activa-
tion immediately brings this whole to life, or makes you
sensitive to it. Thus sadness, for example, fits in a con-
text of failure, of adversity and being weak. It is a nega-
tive feeling that takes away your zest for life and makes
you come to stand still. It allows you to build a rest break,
which  allows  you  to  (re)orient  and  not  continue  in  the
same way. This way it helps you prevent a repetition of
this feeling and what motivates it.

As long as this scheme is open, it will color your doing,
your experience and your thoughts and give them con-
tent and shape. It becomes an element that is also rele-
vant  and  accompanies  your  strength  or  weakness,  as
long  as  it  is  opened. Because  multiple  schemes  can  be
opened at the same time, they can  give form and con-
tent to your doing and experiences. They can be found
in you and experienced. They form a characteristic or di-
mension of it. They can contribute and thus provide ad-
ded  value  for  your  actions  and  experiences. They  can
also mean a brake or hindrance, and thus a loss of value
for your actions and experiences. Being sad is that you

388

can make less effort and that you experience colors less
favorable.

Once a schema has been opened, its content becomes
active. Linking it to other schemes allows preference and
rejection to become active and come to development. I
prefer, or rather not, to find this or that in reality. When
Nina or Nicolas think of mom, there is the sweet mother,
but  also  the  difficult  mom. Of  course  they  prefer  the
sweet mama and they have an aversion to the difficult
mom. It can encourage them to make efforts to recog-
nize the sweet mama and not the difficult one. The re-
cognition  of  the  sweet  mama  awakens  in  them  a
pleasant affirmative feeling. The recognition of the diffi-
cult mother the opposite feeling. They can try to act in
such a way that the sweet mommy is or remains activa-
ted.  They can also put pressure on their mother to stay
the sweet mommy, for example, by saddling them other-
wise with feelings of guilt. In this way they can achieve
and maintain a pleasant feeling, because reality corres-
ponds with their preferred content of scheme.

Schemes and perception
Open or sensitive schemes - these are almost opened or
recently opened - can greatly determine the experience
and the reaction or color them.  If Nina does not feel very
loved, any negligence of her peers to her will be easily
understood as confirmation of not being popular.

389

Unopened  or  non-sensitive  schemes  will  cause
something not to be noticed as such.  The time and his
coat are not a point of attention for Nicolas. He does not
notice that it is already dark, he does not notice that it is
raining. Or that these are at least indicators for time and
coat.

In this way, parents can quickly or sometimes not at all
notice certain problems with their child, because what is
a sign for this is very recognizable, or not at all. This de-
pends on whether or not they have a sensitive scheme
for this. For example, it may happen that they misjudge
staying  at  home  as  a  sign  of  being  isolated  or  isolating
themselves as children.  And wrongly take staying home
as  a  sign  of  wanting  to  take  it  easy  and  not  constantly
being bothered by friends.

Because you teach your child or yourself to approach si-
tuations from a different angle and question, taking into
account a different possibility and answer, you can per-
ceive  something  completely  different  from  a  different
perspective. What allows you to respond differently. For
example, not seeing what Nina or Nicolas does as weak-
ness or unwillingness, but look at them from a different
purpose or priority.

View on schemes
Often someone is little or not aware of an open or sensi-
tive  scheme. Nicolas  formulated  once  goals  for himself

390

to make something special of his life, he does not think
about them at the moment. This does not alter the fact
that they can influence his interests and preferences.

Sometimes you feel certain things and feel certain things
that are coming, even if you are not completely aware of
them, or can not express them. They often have to deal
with  an  underlying  scheme. Nina  feels  that  she  should
not stay away, she feels in some way that it would affect
her being loved. Nicolas foresees that if you want to ex-
perience  something  that  needs  to  be  in  the  broader
world and not at home, and then you do not have to deal
with details, but with essential things.

Schemes and influence on environment
Open or sensitive schemes not only ensure that you no-
tice or respond to certain things more easily, as a kind of
open register.

They also make, because you notice them and respond
to  them,  that  your  experience  and  your  actions  are
about to turn around them. Also with others from your
surroundings  you  can  easily  activate  that  side  in them,
and situations in which you are placed are easily colou-
red by them. An interaction then arises that also keeps
the scheme open easily.

391

Nina is not very popular. By constantly asking her peers
for confirmation, it becomes an item in their mutual in-
teraction. In  their  talking  and  association  the  more  or
less  loved  ones  are  discussed. Because  some  people
become  more  popular  in  the  group,  they  find  this
something they like as pleasant and what is susceptible
to  repetition  or  preservation  for  them. Because  others
become less or not loved by the group, this becomes a
concern for them where they want to get away from and
for which they make efforts to prevent repetition. In this
way, both their own and others' loved ones become an
activated and open scheme, so that their perception and
dealings  are  colored  with  it. In  this  way,  they  keep  the
‘beloved’  schema  open  and  active. In  this  way  it  be-
comes something they both think of or are involved with
in  their  communication  and  their  interaction. Even  if
they could not respond to this very much, if asked about
it,  because  they  are  not  consciously  involved  with
this. Yet  you  could  derive  from  their  talking  and  doing
that this is in some way or other concerned.

Open and sensitive schemes
This way, situations or events that you deal with always
provide  activated  and  open  schemes. This  way  things
you are doing yourself in your thoughts or in your activity
go together with activated open schemes

Sensitive schemes are certainly related to things that are
very  close  to  you  and  that  are  very  important  to

392

you. Your  living  situation,  your  health,  your  known
people, your performance, your self-image, your image,
your development and growth. They are all aspects that
are very important to you. Something related to this, you
will  soon  notice,  to  cherish  and  preserve,  if  necessary
guard. Or,  if  necessary,  to  escape  if  you  are  loaded  or
chased by it.  It keeps you then too busy in an undesira-
ble way.

Activate schemes or not
As  a  parent  you  can  try  to  activate  favorable  schemes
with  your  child. Time  awareness  or  organization,  for
example,  so  your  child can  itself  take  this  into  account
and you are more likely that your child pays attention to
this and comes after with what is contained in it.

Your child can, however, make a lot of effort not to acti-
vate certain schemes and if they are already activated,
deactivate them. Your child wants to relax, for example,
with his friends. It does not want to be reminded of the
time,  to  do  this  and  that,  and  this  and  certainly  not
that. He will already prematurely repel what you want to
remember.

Because of this repulsive attitude of your child, you easily
have the tendency to exaggerate, in the hope that some-
thing will be carried out of your expectations and good
advice. By exaggerating, however, you can easily incre-
ase  the  resistance  and  the  tendency  to  deactivate.    By

393

letting your skepticism be noticed at the same time, you
simultaneously  activate  your  child's  doubts  as  to
whether you and your expectations will be taken into ac-
count. It  is  better  then  to  express  your  trust  that  your
child is willing to  cooperate and that you can count on
your child and activate this in your child.

On thinking or thinking, on
As  a  parent  you can  follow  what  the  child  thinks  in  his
experience  and  reaction,  and  which  thinking  is
lacking. You  can  stimulate  your  child  to  start  a  certain
way  of thinking  and  to  express  a  different  way  of  thin-
king.

What  the  child  experienced  and  stored  earlier  will  re-
main available as a souvenir. If a similar situation occurs,
the child will use this memorial when it is desired, as a
source for grasping the situation and dealing with it.

By  teaching  your  child  to  pay  attention  to  what  it  is
thinking  about,  it  can  lead  to  a  more  conscious  res-
ponse. It is then no longer unconsciously brought to a re-
action. He  can  then  recognize  what  he  keeps  in  mind,
without  running  away  from  it,  or  wanting  to  push  it
away, or just accept it. He can choose for more favorable
schemes and set off on this, whereby the scheme can be
used as a means to achieve an established goal.

395

Development of
knowledge and thin-
king

child wants to find as accurate and complete answers

as possible from birth.  This is the task it gives itself.  Get-
ting  answers  to  questions  such  as  what,  how,  where,
when, who, why he and she poses of what they encoun-
ter in their environment. Just think of the endless series
of  'why-'  and  'how  come-that

’ questions the child asks

when it can talk well. From the answers, the image on its
environment will depend and also its reaction towards
its environment. Where its image and its reaction are ini-
tially very limited, its development and thanks to its

The development of knowledge and thinking helps
the child to answer to questions and challenges
more and more.

396

constantly more evolving possibilities to answer these
questions will constantly increase in quality.

In order

to develop these images and reactions, it will

use its own developing possibilities. In this respect, it will
also formulate more accurate, complete and qualitati-
vely rich answers to similar questions about what, how,
where, when, against whom and why, and their use.

These

answers to enable adaptation are organized in

an orderly manner in the form of schemes that are of a
substantive nature and deal with what is present in the
environment, or that are formal in nature and are about
how  to  use  as  tools  and  instruments  for  themselves  in
handling. Through  this  arrangement,  the  answers  are
precisely maintained and continuously updated and ad-
justed,  so  that  the  most  accurate,  complete  and  best
answer is obtained. In this way the environment is get-
ting better and better represented and the child is get-
ting better and better opportunities to deal with it.

Who

his mom is, what his pacifier is, comes in a

scheme. What  is  observing,  what  is  paying  attention
comes  in  a  schema.   The  first  type  of  schemes  allow
knowledge to develop, the second type of schemes allow
thinking  to  develop. For  example,  Mommy  is  someone
who  feeds  you,  smiles  at  you,  holds  you  lo-
vingly. Mommy  is  someone  who  makes  you  feel  safe,

397

who can let you know that you can express with weeping
that you are missing something or are experiencing dis-
comfort. So a pacifier is something that gives you com-
fort and is always delivered back wherever you leave it.
So is observing turning your head in the direction of the
sound. So is paying attention keeping your head in the
direction of the sound. These basic contents and forms
are constantly being supplemented and so develop. This
means that more can be done with it and better and
more powerful use is possible. Everything becomes clea-
rer and more accessible. Things can be realized thanks to
the more and better available own tools.

So, there are

tools such as evolving deployable sche-

mes to get to know the environment better, such as per-
ception,  memory  and  thinking. There  are  also  tools  to
get to know themselves and to follow themselves, such
as feelings, imagination and dynamics. These formal tool
schemas increase in complexity and possibilities during
the development of the child. In this way, the perception
scheme can evolve from looking or listening to what at-
tracts  attention,  about self-interest,  to  actively  seeking
out what is and what is put together, to researching new
facets from a different question. In this way the emotio-
nal plan can evolve from being overwhelmed by emoti-
ons and warding them off, over noticing feelings in good
time and taking them into account, to actively prospec-
ting which feelings can bring something with them and
making choices in function of desired feelings.  You can

398

read more about tool schemas in the theme section
‘Schema activation and development’ of this encyclope-
dia.

The

substantive schemes can in turn be conscious sche-

mes,  they  can  also  be  functional  schemes. Conscious
schemes  are  used  for  imaging,  functional  schemes  are
used in the context of an action. The action itself is often
not explicitly aware, it is usually aimed at conscious con-
tent  formation. How  a child  perceives  is  not  a  concern
for the child, it is concerned with his mother or the paci-
fier that perceives it. The content of conscious schemes
is only partially aware, they are also primarily intended
for functional use. I smile at my mom, not at someone
unknown. I just want to know if someone is my mom so
that I can laugh. I must not be able to remember exactly
what  is  characteristic  of  my  mother,  let  alone  express
this. As soon as the child can talk it can be asked about
it, this turns out to be a not so easy job.  Even as an adult,
you can still have a hard time giving a precise description
of  someone  from  your  head. You  then  have  to  look  in
your scheme to see what you came up with. This scheme
is  primarily  intended  for  recognition  and  for  functional
use. As soon as you want to express the content, you are
working on a higher level of a conscious meta-level.

you

want to

help a child in his development, it can

be useful to show exactly and express what is so typical
of something. 'Here you have a photo of mama, your

399

brother and yourself. Tell me what you see here."

“You

always give an immediate answer, even before my ques-
tion is finished. Can you try to answer only after you've
heard the question? "   In this way you can try to fill in
the  child's  schemas  and  adjust  them  so  that  they  be-
come qualitatively better.  You do this from a conscious
meta level and not from a spontaneous functional level
of experience and behavior.

Spontaneously

, however, the child will initially be

busy  on  a  functional  level:  how  can  I  recognize  some-
thing?   how  can  I  manipulate  something  so  that  I  can
achieve  a  certain  result?   The  child  will  gradually  set
goals:  find  something  or  someone,  explore  something,
get something in its reach. For these purposes, the child
will  look  for  resources  and  schemes  to  achieve  this
goal. In  what  way  can  I  find  my  mom  who  has  disap-
peared  from  my  field  of  vision. So  resource-target
schemes  with  increasing  complexity  are  created. As
soon  as  the  child  develops  images  more  clearly,  the
images  are  increasingly  used  to  realize  something. My
mom is not gone even though I do not see her in the li-
ving room at the moment, she will be in the kitchen and
I have to find her there. This makes the conscious level
increasingly important. The conscious level then supple-
ment the functional.

As soon as

the child encounters a situation, it will

seek recognition and interaction with it. It will activate

400

the matching schemes for functional interaction. Howe-
ver, if the situation requires further attention, it will call
in its conscious level. In his working memory the activa-
ted  schematic  contents  are  then  presented  to  merge
them with the observed reality data. For example, on the
basis of internally present and externally available data,
an attempt is made to arrive at a best performance that
can lead to an answer and reaction. The internal data are
the result of experiences and information from the past.
The reality data are what is available in the present. The
answer and the reaction are what must be realized for
the  future. The  quality  and  ability  of  this  merging  and
handling of mentally proposed information   to arrive at
new  information  gradually  increases.   Where  images
are initially used, then symbols such as words and num-
bers  are  used  instead.    Symbols  whose  meaning  in-
creases progressively. This results in concepts that at the
same time become more concise and so abstract and re-
veal associations. This creates a thinking that makes use
of  syntheses  and  rules,  that  is  separate  from  time  and
can  go  forward  and  back  to  predict something  and  ex-
plain something, in which more and more elements and
factors can be taken into account and that allow an ap-
proach  from  different  angles,  also  separate  from
themselves.

In this way

, infants and toddlers bases themselves

very quickly on their own experiences and their explora-

401

tory activity, a bit like real researchers, to develop theo-
ries that organize their knowledge about characteristics
of things and living beings from their environment.  Like
understanding that objects fall when you let them go and
realize  that  objects  can  not  mix  up  but  move  each
other. This way you can watch young children watch for
a longer time when they notice something that does not
respond to their expected action. A balloon that flies and
does not fall when you release it. Even a year old already
knows that living beings can start moving on their own
and  follow  their  own  irregular  road  to  reach  a  goal. In
this way they learn to use movement as a criterion for
noticing something as living or not.

young children

too

, there is a growing knowledge

and  understanding  of  one's  own  behavior  and  that  of
others. For  example,  two-year-olds  already  understand
that they and others have desires and that desires can
lead to behavior. 'I want a biscuit' and 'I'm happy to have
his  biscuit.' From  the  age  of  three,  children  start  using
words  such  as  thinking,  believing,  remembering  and
forgetting, which indicates a start to becoming aware of
what is happening in them. From four years on, children
understand  that  their  own  behavior  and  that  of  others
originates in what they each believe about the given si-
tuations and events, even if this is incorrect.

However, children

do not only learn from their

own exploratory experiences, they absorb much of the

402

experiences of others that are presented to them in the
form of self-evident expressions and situations. Unfavo-
rable experiences and situations, or of lesser quality or
strength,  are  then  omitted. What  promotes  safety  and
health, for example in the form of what is nutritious, is
then  presented  to  them.    Especially  the  way  to  collect
knowledge and to process it afterwards is transferred so-
cially and culturally. Is the reality itself offered to get to
know things, or are toys offered? Is emphasis placed on
independent thinking or thinking together to come to an
answer. Is  emphasis  placed  on  incorporating  your  own
feelings into what you notice and answer, or not  to do
exactly that.  How is available know-how in older child-
ren and adults valued and how is she optimally involved
in  thinking  and  thinking  development.  When  it  is  swit-
ched on, is account taken of the zone of proximal deve-
lopment where the child can do something with the help
of a more experienced person. Is taken into account the
degree  and  form  of  help  that  fits  with  what  the  child
needs. Is explanation and instruction given in such a way
that the child himself can take over this explanation and
instruction for himself, and by means of self-proclama-
tion  can  gradually  instruct  himself. Is  this  given so that
what the child already knows can be supplemented, so
that  his  own  already  developed  schema  can  grow  and
evolve.

schemas are formed and filled in, more options for

the child become available. Especially because schemes

403

contain ready-made answers to what is and how to deal
with it when, where and why or what for. The acquired
schemes are functionally activated and thus free up the
working memory for new tasks and new strategies. The
schemes here offer an expanding database to be able to
respond quickly to these new challenges, because much
can  be  traced  back  to  what  is  already  familiar. In  this
way, depending on the development of knowledge and
thinking, more powerful possibilities can arise within the
child.  Existing processes go faster and new ones are bet-
ter supported by what the child has already acquired. In
this way the child succeeds better and becomes better
in  carrying  out  specific  activities,  but  also  at  the  same
time taking on more than one activity. Like talking about
something else, while doing something.

405

Parenting  is  not  an  easy  task. Your  own  upbringing  did
not always work, or is no longer usable. Sometimes you
can only learn how it should not and how to do it other-
wise. Much information is available, but sometimes con-
tradicts each other. Not always is it usable for your own
situation with your child. Your own intuition then, but it
gets so quickly exhausted.

As a parent, you may occasionally need to stop and think
about your parenting. To see how it goes, how your gui-
dance work out on your child and its development. Your
child  that  evolves  and  grows  time  and  time  again.  Just
look  back,  to  see  better  ahead. Alone  or  with  you
two. To see what was good, and what was weak. What
opportunities do you offer for the future, but also what
dangers it entails.  Where you have to adjust, what you
have to add and what to omit, what to increase and what
to  reduce,  where  you  have  to  and  can  handle  diffe-
rent. How you may have to look different, or react diffe-
rent. What  you  may  think  different. For  what  you  may
have to offer a different environment.

Sometimes your child obliges you to think, sometimes its
environment. Sometimes your child shows that its deve-
lopment is less favorable. Your child then easily responds
physically,  emotionally,  expressively,  or  with  behavior
and relational. The child does not feel well, reacts sensi-
tively,  expresses  his  or  her  problems,  does  not  partici-
pate  or  otherwise,  does  not  feels  well  in  the

406

group. Sometimes  the  environment  let  you  know  to
have difficulties with your childs.  Your child is so often
absent or passive, or busy, or shows resistance, or is in-
secure and anxious. Dealing with your child is then diffi-
cult and stiff. There are many tensions and conflicts. You
do not always understand your child, or its reaction.

At  such  a  moment  you  ask  questions  about  your child,
but also about yourself and your way of parenting. With
thinking you try to get a view and find an answer. Often
this is a thinking and talking together : with your partner,
your parents, a friend, an acquaintance.  Sometimes with
a professional : a teacher, a (family) doctor, a psycholo-
gist, a pedagogue, a counseling and guidance center.  Al-
ways your way of dealing directly or indirectly with your
child  will  be  discussed. Sometimes  to  see  what  went
wrong, sometimes how you could better guide your child
in  its  development. What  is  special  about  your
child. What  your  child  specifically  needs  and  how  you
could  respond  to  it. The  child  with  his  parenting  ques-
tion, you with your parental offer.

Sometimes  there  is  no  specific  reason  to  think  about
your  parenting. You  then  speak  occasionally  about  pa-
renting in general within your family and with acquain-
tances.  How this is going today, what is changing, how it
could be improved. What society expects from parents
and their children. Whether and how you want to go al-
ong  as  a  parent  and  child. In  this  way  you  try  to  learn

407

from others, to find support with others. To build a cli-
mate  of  knowing  and  doing  together, so that  your  act-
ions  are  not  only  carried  by  yourself,  but  also  by  your
meaningful others. That way you feel more certain, you
find together your direction, your content and your form
as a parent.

You can then experience an emergency, a need or an in-
terest to meet other parents to exchange thoughts and
experiences. This can then generate cognition and reco-
gnition and a feeling of support and solidarity. There is
then  the  feeling  of  having  to  do  with  equals  that  offer
you plus experiences, at the same time there is less a risk
of  shortcomings  or  lesser  experiences  that  occur  more
easily when calling in experts.

If you as a parent look at your parenting, you can come
to the conclusion that you are good at it and can conti-
nue  in  the  same  direction  with  the  same  content  and
form. You can also discover that you are confronted with
a  number  of  questions,  but  do  not  immediately  find
answers to them. That you have many questions about
your  way  of  doing  things  and  want  to  stop  for  a  while
before  continuing. This  is  to  find  out  how  to  proceed
best. Finally, you can also discover that the answers you
find clearly make it possible to change direction, take a
different  direction  with  a  corresponding  content  and
form. If you wish to take a different direction, it will be
difficult to let go of the old, and you must make an effort

408

to let your new approach take effect, both for yourself
and for your child. Some sustained effort and the neces-
sary support, also from yourself, will then be more than
welcome.

Thinking about your parenting is not only about the ra-
tionally distant, also the emotional nearness can be in-
volved  in  this. Not  only  can  you  base  your  thinking  on
what  your  judgment  is  about  something,  your  thinking
can also start from what you feel and experience what
disturbs or what is missing. This way you can start loo-
king for how to think and how to feel, so that progress
becomes possible.

Thinking can help you get your parenting clear and clarify
what can change how to make it more optimal for your-
self and your child.  Parenting is often intuitive, at least
for an important part, from an implicit thinking about pa-
renting. This is positive in itself and does not automati-
cally  call  for  change. However,  your  thinking  can  take
this  intuitive  into  words  and  translate  the  implicit  into
worded  insights.    This  way  more  insight  can  be  gained
and, if necessary, more control. As a parent, you usually
do not immediately know how much your intuition and
the  implicit  is  borne  by  a  personal  knowing  that  from
your own experiences has gradually arisen. This personal
knowing  includes  both  what  is  fact,  but  also  your  own
feelings, opinions and beliefs, and needs and desires are
included.

409

By creating clarity, you are better able to oversee, moni-
tor and control. In your thoughts, for example, you are
able to get and understand what is going on in the reality
of the upbringing, of how you try to guide your child in
his development. On a mental level you therefore have
a double of what happens in the reality of the education
between  yourself  and  your  child. In  this  way,  your
dealings  with  your  child  can  be  made  more  conscious
and more consciously followed up in parallel, and given
direction, content and form. So you have a double track:
the trace of the what and how in the parenting interac-
tion  and  the  trace  of  this  what  and  how  in  your  head,
that you can follow and from here you can steer.

Thinking  about  your  upbringing  in  order  to  achieve  a
greater  awareness  of  educational  processes,  has  ano-
ther important advantage.  Research shows that we can
only notice from a knowing. You will not easily notice so-
mething you do not know. Only from a knowing that you
can overdemand your child, you can notice that a child
gives difficulties because it can not meet your expecta-
tions. Only from a knowing that you can discourage your
child  to  change  his  boundaries,  can  you  notice  that  a
child  becomes  passively  awkward  and  spontaneously
does not take any initiatives.  Only from a knowing that
a  child  sometimes  fails  to  meet  what  you  propose  to
meet, you can see that a child is doing quite some effort.
But that it just does not work, and gives you the impres-
sion of unwillingness, of ignoring you or of opposing you.

410

If so no knowledge, it means easily not knowing to notice
and also not knowing to take it into account or respond
to it.

Think about your thinking about parenting
As a parent, you equate your parenting often to your ac-
tions to your child. How you deal with your child so that
it could grow. Less you equate your parenting with crea-
ting an environment for your child in which this growth
can proceed optimally. Still less do you think that upbrin-
ging often has to do with your thinking about your child,
about  yourself,  about  your  parental  interaction,  about
the  parental  context  and  the  parental  framework  in
which this upbringing takes place. However, it can be es-
tablished  that  your  parental  behavior  and  the  parental
environment that you offer are very determined by your
upbringing  thinking. The  upbringing  environment  and
your  upbringing  are  the  interpretation  of  your  upbrin-
ging thinking. Suppose you assume that a child is not yet
capable of any independence, so you will create an envi-
ronment in which a lot is arranged for the child and you
will constantly help your child so that their is little of no
necessity for independance and the child is not encoura-
ged to do so.

Your thinking about upbringing is usually a very personal
way of thinking that has gradually grown on the basis of
your personal parenting experience and on the basis of
acquired and gathered information. It is not impersonal

411

knowledge  about  parenting,  but  a  personal  thinking  in
which you are situated. Namely what means to educate
you, how to educate, when you are  asked to raise and
when  you  approach  your  parenting. In  this  way,  your
concrete upbringing is constantly colored and determi-
ned by this personal upbringing. It is surrounded by and
underpinned by it. At the same time it is legitimized and
limited  by  it. As  a  child, you  have,  for  example,  greatly
refrained from the many offenses you were part of. You
often have to deal with criticism, with accusations, with
disappointments of your environment in you.  As a pa-
rent you may have learned from this that you can not be
raised in this way, taking into account the consequences
that you have had for years in your self-image and self-
esteem and still have their effect felt. In your own beliefs
about upbringing, you have also barred all forms of of-
fense. Every acknowledging response to your child is le-
gitimized by your thinking and a different response is li-
mited by it. Your child will never experience it being at-
tacked on his mind, his feelings and needs and for who
or what it is.

This personal thinking can be found in each of your reac-
tions and expressions to your child. It runs through it as
a red wire, a guideline. It forms the synthesis of all your
knowledge and your know-how about parenting. What it
is  for  you,  how  it  is  upbringing,  where,  when  and  to
whom  when  you  are  confronted  with  parenting,  when
something in yourself is activating you.  It is thinking that

412

is  active  when  you  are  parenting,  often  implicitly,  wit-
hout noticing it yourself. An parental situation or an pa-
rental interaction with your child will activate this thin-
king, so that it will give your reaction and expression con-
tent and form and at the same time indicate the boun-
daries of this: what is, what is not, how, how not, when,
when  not,  where,  where  not,  to  whom,  to  whom  not,
why, why not, to what, to what not. For example, If your
child  breaks  something,  you  will  not  immediately  res-
pond to this. But you will translate the situation as an up-
bringing event. Your child still has insufficient understan-
ding of what is fragile. You will encourage your child to
exercise  caution  by  making  clear  how  something  goes
wrong. You will try to avoid repetition by putting  away
what is too fragile for the child.

Becoming  aware  of  what  is  implicit  and  is  activated  to
respond  to  an  upbringing  situation  can  be  very  help-
ful. Your own perceived reaction can help you to deduce
your implicit thinking from this.

Thinking about parenting
As  a  parent  you  can  not  only  be  interested  in  learning
more about your upbringing and your thinking about up-
bringing, you can also be curious about what in general
is the thinking about upbringing, especially in today's so-
ciety. What  is  central  to  parenting,  how  to  work  as  an
parent, about what is parenting. Which way of thinking
is noticeable in society about upbringing. What appears

413

from  scientific  research. What  do  pedagogical  experts
say.

Thus it appears that in the past parenting was often ap-
proached  moralistically. It  was  about  imparting  values
and learning to deal with standards. Today we see a psy-
chological approach. It is about guiding the development
in different areas, it is about offering development and
growth opportunities. It must allow the child to discover
qualities and become familiar with them. Qualities that
can express it and incorporate it into its behavior and its
expression. The qualities it exhibits must allow an added
value for the child in growth and must be reflected in his
dealings.  Not educating for what is good behavior, away
from  what  is  bad. But  educate  people  to  act  that  adds
value, away from an action with a minus or less value. An
added value for themselves, for others, for the environ-
ment,  for  the  future. A  relationship  with  more  quality
and more qualities. Together with this evolution, a tran-
sition can be observed from assessing the behavior of a
child in development to the accent on the appreciation
of behavior for what is already present in qualities and
quality. At the same time, there is room for appreciating
the child for the competences it has already developed
to make this quality action possible.

For a long time it turned in parenting around power, la-
ter  translated  into  authority. It  was  about  who  was  in
charge and who had to be docile. Or it was about who

414

was  dependent  and  in  need  of  authority. For  example,
an  authoritarian  upbringing  became  an  anti-authorita-
rian upbringing, but at the same time it kept running for
more or less power. In modern thought, however, power
can hardly be called quality, authority is  slightly easier.
They  rather  seem  to  be  resources  and  means. In  con-
trast, responsibility, attention and care reflected in your
behavior seem to better withstand the test of quality and
qualities.

It was only recently that people saw that parenting could
also be about something else. For example, child-cente-
redness  and  support  were  central,  but  supplemented
with requirements and control. The support on relatio-
nal level, supplemented with the control of child beha-
vior, was called authoritative parenting.

Attention was given to a good relationship with the child,
and  within  this  relationship  the  child could  be  held  ac-
countable  for  his  behavior. For  the  sake  of  com-
pleteness,  this  two-dimensional  model  can  be  supple-
mented with a third, a contextual dimension. A dimen-
sion that indicates that parenting revolves around deve-
lopment  and  its  support,  supported  by  an  appropriate
conceptual framework.

Today, the question is increasingly being asked what, to-
gether  with  the  development  dimension  that  responds
to the development needs of the child, can be central in

415

parenting. These include affection and attention, safety
and trust, respect and recognition, communication and
consultation,  tolerance  and  equality,  openness  and
cooperation,  space  and  opportunities,  time  and  inte-
grity, authenticity and individuality, rights and responsi-
bility,  proximity  and support,  load-bearing  and  support
base,  self-activity  and  context  involvement. Perhaps  a
multidimensional model in which several of these quali-
ties come together will offer the most optimal opportu-
nities  for  development  and  guidance. As  a  parent,  you
can think about how to do this by making your own con-
tribution in dealing with your child.

In parenting, adults often looked also at who can func-
tion as a model. In society we encounter people whose
actions have been signed by one or more specific quali-
ties. It is about actions that are characterized by a great
knowledge and wisdom, or by a great constructiveness,
by involvement, or by a beauty, or justice, or by a synthe-
sis power, or by changing frontiers and progress, or by
allowing something to grow without violence.  As a pa-
rent,  it  may  be  interesting  to  think  about  what  makes
this action so valuable and how to incorporate and inte-
grate this into your child's development guidance.

In research is often searched for where upbringing can
in essence turn around, or can also turn around. Recent
concepts  such  as co-regulation,  agency,  supportive  up-
bringing,  connected  parenting  and  schema  pedagogy

416

came to the forefront. How to integrate them into your
own parenting.

In thinking about upbringing, thought can also be given
to how to equip your child to integrate optimally into so-
ciety. But  here  too,  an  important  evolution  is  noti-
ceable. Where this used to be the most frequently asked
question,  there  is  a  shift  to  the  question  :  how  society
can  better  respond  to  the  individual  and  his  inte-
grity. This creates more space for the individual and his
individuality, and reduces or diminishes the pressure to
conform and fit into society, sometimes at the expense
of himself and his well-being. From society there is more
attention  and  space  for  diversity. As  an  individual  you
sometimes come more to your right because of your per-
sonality,  than  because  of  your  uniformity. To  function
closer to yourself can sometimes valorise more than an
impersonal way of being and doing.

Think about your upbringing and bringing up
By  your concrete  and  more  general  thinking  about  up-
bringing, you can better situate yourself as a parent and
for  your  parenting.    This  way  you  can  better  position
yourself  for  a  number  of  parenting  aspects. See where
you are somewhere, going from the absence of this as-
pect  to  the  optimal  presence  of  this  aspect  in  your
dealings. This way you can better develop a vision about
parenting, better formulate your objectives, and better
attune your approach and interaction. This way you can

417

see where you can pay attention to and work at.  You can
find out how this can be better tuned.

So,  among  other  things,  where  do  I  stand  with  my  up-
bringing, in which direction can I continue and in which
way. Where  do  I  stand  with  the  educational  environ-
ment for my child, where else can it go and how. Where
do I deal with my education, what are his points of atten-
tion in which direction and how do I deal with this speci-
fically.

In this way, you can always gain quality and qualities. You
can experience more possibilities than those that you ha-
bitually used.

Today  a  lot  of  information  about  upbringing  is  avai-
lable. As  a  parent  you  often  do  not  know  what  to  fol-
low. It  may  be  a  good  idea  to  think  for  yourself  about
what you get presented and whether you can learn from
it and what you can use from it.

Thinking about parenting together
As a parent you have each formed your own idea of what
to bring up is and how you can pick it up. These ideas can
be very similar, they can also be very different. Most of
all there will be a certain correspondence. The question
then is how great this correspondence is and whether it
can not be made larger. You may come to the conclusion

418

that you can experience added value from your partner
just in the difference in your child's approach.

From  everyone's  own  interpretation  of  what  is  upbrin-
ging, it will depend on whether you will experience your
partner's reaction as educational or rather of a different
nature. Even  if  at  such  a  moment  the  reaction  of  your
partner  is  meant  by  himself  or  herself  as  a  parent.    So
can criticizing your child have a parental purpose for you,
while  your  partner  only  experiences  it  as  venting  off
steam from you, only taking care of yourself, but not hel-
ping your child. Because the child then only wants to de-
fend himself and is not open to insight and personal ad-
justment.

Parents often try to talk to each other and think together
to reach an agreement. At times of crisis, they then can
experience how strong this unit is and whether they do
not each approach it then their way which possibly drive
them  apart. As  a  parent  you  can  be  very  concerned
about your partner's lack of solidarity, or you feel disap-
pointed. This often adds to the difference, so that every-
one's  style  and  approach  are  profiled  even  more
profoundly.

Only  when  you  can  face  this  difference  and  accept  it,
there will be room for rapprochement and a real thinking
together. The joint approach to what goes together, the
separate  where  necessary  and  if  it  does  not  succeed

419

otherwise. For  example,  from  a  healthy  individuality,
from a personal way of thinking about upbringing, a col-
lective upbringing process can be included, in which one
can come to a sharing in thinking and doing.

Research shows that children are particularly affected by
lack of clarity and instability. If what is together and se-
parate for the child is clear and not repeatedly thrown
together, it may be beneficial for the child to find adults
who  interpret  not  only  with  words  but  also  with  their
actions where they stand for.

Educative way of thinking
Because parenting often does not allow ready-made so-
lutions, you will automatically invoke thinking and thin-
king together. This can help you find an answer and a re-
action with added value.

You can also view it in this way: that your actions always
go together and are supported by an associated, not al-
ways conscious thinking. By getting to know this implicit
way  of  thinking,  you  can  deliberately  and  continuously
parallel  your  actions  with  an  associated  conscious  and
optimally possible way of thinking.

This  immediately  provides  an  answer  to the  frequently
asked question: whether parents are no longer allowed
to do spontaneously in dealing with their child and   fol-
low their intuition. Even if you assume that your actions

420

are not well thought out, this is based on personal thin-
king and knowing. Because you are little or not aware of
this thinking, this seems spontaneous. From the obser-
vation that you think anyway in terms of parenting, you
may  be  able  to  make  it  more  aware,  in  order  to  get  a
better view of its use value. In this way you can, if you
wish, adjust it by reflection or thinking back and use cog-
nitive  guidance  in  your  parenting  by  coaching  and  for-
ward thinking (meta).

To this end, you will increasingly feel the need as it be-
comes less smooth with the development and supervi-
sion of your child, as there are more tensions and more
conflicts  that  threaten  to  escalate. With  your  thinking
you  will  then  try  to  follow  what  is  happening,  as  is  the
case  with  monitoring,  and  try  to  find  out  how  you  can
influence what happens.

For example, recent research by the University of New
York shows that parents have a better memory for pa-
renting-related information.  When they think about pa-
renting they remember better, this could also be evolu-
tionary beneficial.

424

When what a child represents itself and proposes corres-
ponds to what parents have as representation and pro-
posal,  there  is  less  chance  of  tension. Stress  arises  as
soon  as  a  child  presents  something  other  than  his  pa-
rents.

In parenting, quantity is sometimes confused with qua-
lity. In reality, quantity can sometimes stand in the way
and quality sometimes limits quantity.

In a time of restless searching for the perfect, also in pa-
renting, the restful finding of the imperfect must not be
forgotten.

A  child  often  make  adjustments  to  parents  in  their  up-
bringing. This is because the individuality of the child re-
quires an individuality-based approach, also because the
development  of  the  child  requires  a  phase-based  ap-
proach, further because the life situation of the child re-
quires  a  situation-based  approach,  and  finally  because
the life experiences of the child require a experience-ba-
sed approach.

As  parents  making  choices  for  the  child  is  becoming
more and more difficult, parents can opt for dialogue to
support their child in making their own choices.

425

Parenting is often confused with something else. Chec-
king with what it could be confused can make an end to
this.

Parenting can be described as binding work with respect
for individuality.

Parenting competence is constantly being developed im-
plicitly. Here, explicit attention can be devoted to add va-
lue.

Parenting processes involve a whole series of other pro-
cesses, such as care, guidance, support, influence, com-
munication, relationship, group, social,  community and
choice  processes. Knowing  and  optimizing  these  pro-
cesses can contribute to the parenting process.

As  an  educator  you  like  clear  lines  in  purposes,  some-
times  you  run  the  risk  of  skipping  intermediaries  and
steps.

You can start educating with yourself, your ideas, prefe-
rences, feelings and wishes. Parenting can also start with
your child, his images, preferences, feelings and wishes.

It  is  becoming  increasingly  clear  how  neurological  pro-
cesses influence behavior.  Nothing less is true in the de-
velopment of your child and the upbringing that you of-
fer your child.

426

If brain cells do not communicate very much, thoughts
do  not,  and  people  do  not  communicate  easily. When
brain cells communicate strongly, thoughts also do this,
and people communicate constantly.

Those who are more capable of implicit pattern learning,
that is knowing how to predict complex patterns, are un-
consciously  more  sensitive  to  culture  and  belief,
whereby  a  center  creates  patterns  to  bring  order,  this
according  to  neuroscience  research  from  Georgetown
University. The implicit learning of patterns thus forms a
basis for the development of ordering beliefs, as was ob-
served. In children who unconsciously noticed patterns
in the environment, it was found that their sensitivity to
faith increased with age, even in a non-faithful environ-
ment. Children who were unable to do so were more li-
kely to have a faith-sensitive decline.

In interaction there is a danger of wanting to bring
something to something recognizable at his own level or
to reduce something to it, in order to avoid feeling him-
self less otherwise.

Learning from experience : recent research at the
University of München has shown that even single-
celled slime molds function on the basis of memory,
even though they do not have a brain. When finding
food, slime molds store information about where it
is found in the network of tubes that make them up.

428

Activation cycle

The other does or does not respond to this.
When you talk or deal with someone, you make him or
her successive proposals for activation.  This is what you
want to activate with him or her in order to perceive so-
mething and give meaning and then respond to it. The
other person can accept these activation proposals.  The
other  can  not  accept  these  activation  proposals  ei-
ther. He or she can then look in your activation proposals
for what he or she prefers to activate and want you to
formulate  as  an  activation  proposal. It  is  also  possible
that the other person is little or not willing to listen and
chooses  for  an  activation  what  he  or  she  wants to  for-
mulate you as an activation proposal in his actions and

You want the other to perceive something like that
and react accordingly.

The other does or does not respond to this.

429

expression towards you. You can then go into this acti-
vation proposal, or look for yourself in his proposal for
what  to  activate,  or  come  up  with  your  own  activation
separately from his proposal.

You do not want your child to go to a friend that late. You
say it so that you are clear and you can expect that your
child will give up his plan.  Your child, however, finds your
request  unreasonable  and  urges  you  to  come  back  to
your  no  and  let  him  leave,  after  having  realized  how
unreasonable  you  are. However,  you  do  not  judge
yourself to be unreasonable at all, on the contrary.  You
find your child ungrateful and unrealistic.  Earlier in the
day  he  was  already  with  his  friend  and  leaving  now
means  impossible  to  be  back  in  time  at  the  agreed
time. You do not find it acceptable that he is still leaving
and you stay with your no.

Your activation proposal from no was considered unrea-
sonable by your child. His activation proposal of unrea-
sonableness of you was perceived by you as ungrateful
and  unacceptable. What  your  child  and  you  make  of
what  you  do  as  proposal  determines  your  reaction. He
protests  from  the  unreasonableness  he  sees. You  stay
with your no from his being unrealistic.

Each  does  his  best  to  activate  something  that  will  pro-
vide a desired answer. On your first no, you wish to pro-

430

voke abandonment of his plan to his friend. With his sug-
gestion  of  unreasonableness,  he  wishes  to  appeal  to
your  reasonableness  and  move  you  to  a  yes-answer.
With  your  suggestion  of ingratitude  and  unrealistic  de-
sire to finally reach that he accepts your no-answer. Each
time  you  try  to  activate  something  that  will  allow  the
other person to meet you. On closer inspection, you do
not try to bring each other directly into reaction, but you
try to generate something that will allow or bring about
that reaction.

In  interaction  and  dialogue  with someone  you  simulta-
neously offer a lot of activation proposals. Much of this
is  known  from  communication  research,  although  it  is
formulated  in  a  different  way  in  a  different  context. In
this way we know that in addition to what you actually
say,  you  also  say  something  about  yourself,  about  the
other  person,  about  your  relationship  with  each  other
and  what  you  expect  from  each  other. You  also  say
something  about  the  context  situation  and  about  your
conceptual framework. In fact, all of this is formulated as
a proposal to the other party.

The listener can accept the concrete and implicit of the
other  by  introducing  corresponding  schemes. He  can
also neither agree nor be happy with your proposals and
ignore one or more of them, possibly because it does not
suit him or is not advantageous to him. He or she is then
deaf, blind or insensitive to this. The listener often wants

431

to  maintain  or  impose  his  interpretation  and  does  not
take  into  account  what  you  indicate  or  suggest. This
freedom of choice of the listener to listen to what and to
what  to  react  on  the  basis  of  what  is  activated  in  him,
makes it very difficult for the speaker to express himself
so that the other person would listen and react as you
would wish by the corresponding activation of himself or
herself.

You  express  your  disappointment  to  your  child  for
something that  he has not yet done. You hope to wake
him up so as to do what is expected of him. At the same
time you show that not only what he has not done, disap-
pointed you, but that you have also been shocked by him
and  he  really  disappoints  you. Your child  finds  this  very
unjustifiably what he hears. He activates in himself what
he has already done for efforts to meet you. He sees him-
self as very welcoming and in fact too friendly, especially
when  he  is presented  with  an  attack of  you.     From his
activated  'there  is  abuse  of  my  being  too  friendly',  he
chooses not to respond to your insistence at all. He expe-
riences  that  he  is  doing  too  much  and  is  under  pres-
sure. Your activation proposal in which you imagine your
son to be inadequate is not experienced as such by your
son. Instead  of  accepting  this  proposal  of  being  inade-
quate, he experiences misunderstood and misunderstan-
ding. What he activates in himself does not help at all to
carry out what you expect from him.

432

Sometimes you are surprised that what you ask does not
get an answer or consequence. While a little later what a
friend of your child asks is answered and executed enthu-
siastically.  The other person apparently succeeds in acti-
vating  something  in  your  child  that  makes  it  res-
pond. This could be the context, or the ideas that are in-
cluded  with  the  question. No  compelling  context,  but  a
friendly  context. No  dull  ideas,  but  playful,  for
example. This context and these ideas awaken your child
and make it willing to answer and respond to the ques-
tion.    Your  context  and  your  ideas  are  not  accepted  as
proposal. The  child  puts  them  aside.    Immediately  the
necessary dynamics are lacking to activate willingness as
a schema of your child to respond to your question.

As a parent you often indicate something that is not pos-
sible. To your surprise you can then notice that your child
reacts to this by saying that you do it yourself. Your child
then tries to activate your embarrassment with the situ-
ation so that you would bind in. It does not accept your
proposal  to  change,  it  changes  this  into  a  proposal  to
change  yourself  and  by  trying  to  activate  your  embar-
rassment it tries to reach its goal.

In general, as a parent, you can notice that what you say
to your child will have more effect as the way you deal
with it is with less resistance, feeling hurt, activating an-
ger  and  defense. But  you  rather  approach  it  in  such  a
way that it activates willingness, recognition, satisfaction

433

and cooperation, if possible in a friendly context with ap-
pealing ideas.

This also applies to yourself. Sometimes your child makes
you a negative activation proposal.  He or she does not
recognize your authority, finds you a parent like that, re-
fuses  to  do  what  you  ask  for. You  can  make  yourself
pretty  angry  about  this  and  activate  'force'  in  you. You
may also choose not to feel misunderstood, but to see its
remarks as a problem your child has with itself to activate
the appropriate schemes in itself to respond to you. You
can choose to keep activating your  schema and turn to
your  child  with  the question of  what  is  going  on  that  it
has activated so much negativity. You might find out that
your  child  has  activated  deprivation  and  therefore  re-
fuses to answer your question. If you can make it clear to
your  child  that  what  you  ask  for  also  applies  to  the
others, it may be self-inducing that it reacts to it from its
de-activated sense of deprivation and activated sense of
equality.

In addition to activation proposals that you can do to so-
meone, you can also, as in the example, come up with
deactivation proposals.  This way you hope that if some-
thing has gone wrong earlier, this can be put to an end
and  there  is room  for  a  more  favorable  interaction.  To
achieve this, some things must be released and de-acti-
vated  in  advance. As  long  as  this  remains  activated  or

434

becomes  constant,  no  favorable  interaction  can  be  ex-
pected. This  de-activation  can  be  done  through  what
you propose. This de-activation can also be done by the
other  person,  in  order  to  create  space  for  something
more  favorable  to  activate,  or  to  activate  himself. The
deactivation  and  activation  can  go  together  in  other
words.  Where it forms the basis for the other: de-acti-
vating what allows activation, or activating what allows
de-activation.

It may be an advantage to assess the activated thoughts,
feelings and needs in your child as a parent. It can also
be  an  advantage  to  discover  for  yourself  what  you  say
and do activates in your child specific thoughts, feelings
and needs. It is these thoughts, feelings and needs that
the child uses in his reaction to you. It can also be an ad-
vantage to teach your child to assess activated thoughts,
feelings and needs in someone, for example with you. It
can also be an advantage to teach your child to discover
what goes on in what it says and how activates specific
thoughts, feelings and needs in someone. Thoughts, fee-
lings and needs that are used to the child in the reaction
to him or her.

Your child is really annoying at a time when you yourself
are already very tense. Because the child does not get a
reaction from you, because you are really in need of rest,
it is trying to get more attention. This annoys you so that
your child does not take into account you and your state

435

of  mind,  that  you  send  your  child  away. The  child  does
not understand what happened to it at all. It had no idea
at all of your already overloaded feelings. It also did not
understand that by its claiming of you, you activated your
rejection.

To help your child with this, you can give your child an
insight into what is already activated with you, you can
also make clear to your child what it activates in you by
what.

This way, if necessary, you can tell your child on time that
you are very tense and tired. This way you can also make
it clear to your child that claiming makes you easily irri-
table. It  can  then  be  important  to  explain  to  your  child
how it can appeal to you without making you even more
tense. 'Ask it later again, then I can take more time for
it. Do you want to do this for me? "

In addition to teaching your child what is activated by so-
meone in what way, you can teach the child to become
acquainted with  what is activated by itself in thoughts,
feelings and needs by what others say and do in the en-
vironment and by what of itself it is activating something.

Your child is easily agitated. It is not always clear to him
that this is related to the feeling of being criticized at that
time. By  learning  to  discover  the  child  that  his  quarrel
turns up when it experiences criticism, you can teach the

436

child how to avoid criticism. By helping your child by say-
ing  something  in  such  a  way  and  doing  something  to
others that it does not give rise to criticism, the feeling of
being  criticized  and  feeling  attacked  can  be  avoi-
ded. Because of  this,  excitement  and  quarreling  can  be
prevented.

It may be interesting to consider that a behavior, an ex-
pression or a reaction is not alone, but embedded in a
cognitive whole or cognitive schema, as a thought, fee-
ling and dynamic whole.

Some easily let activate something in them on the basis
of what someone says or does to them.  Others prefer to
give priority to choosing self what to activate in what so-
meone says or does to them. Still others try to combine
what  activates  others  and  what  they  activate  themsel-
ves. The  first  respond  easily  to  others  and  often  have
their reaction determined by others, the first tone. The
second  choose  to  act  themselves  and  let  their  'pro'
action  be  determined  by  themselves,  the  second
tone. Children can learn that when their reaction easily
causes  problems,  then  how  to  respond  less  to  what
others  decide,  but  more  to  choose  themselves  how  to
act  and  how  to  deal  with  a  difficult  situation.   So  that
their behavior can not be determined by what they want
to avoid, but by what they want to achieve.

437

Because your youngest child fears being skipped when it
is its turn, it easily tries to be noticed prematurely. This
arouses  the  resentment  among  the  two  other  child-
ren. These  threaten  to  repeatedly  rule  him  out  altoge-
ther.  This makes your youngest child so excited that he
constantly disturbs the game. This way he tries to avoid
not  coming  to  its  turn. What  he  does  not  achieve,
however,  is  that  he  so  still  has  a  chance  to  get  a
turn. Your  child  could  also  have  believed  more  in  itself
and could rely on the other children. It could have tried
to keep to the rules and agreements and to be of 'good-
will'  by  being  a  good  playmate. If  it  reminds  the  other
children on time and does not allow itself to provoke dis-
ruption, it is probably more likely to come to his turn.

438

Activation cycle

What do I want to activate ?

What do I activate myself in me ?

What is activated in me ?

What do I say and do ?

What says and does the orther how ?

What do I activate with the other?

What activates the other

himsrlf?

What does the other want to acti-

vate in me ?

Activation cycle

439

Direct and indirect
approach in paren-
ting

The direct approach

in parenting is focused on the con-

crete  behavior  of  the  child. A  characteristic  feature  of
this approach is that your action as a parent is directly
focused on whether or not your child is acting and how.

There is no attention for the child as such, or for the be-
havioral  environmental  elements. The  intervention  is
usually  limited,  relevant,  on  the  matter  and  im-
mediate. Focused on the behavior or the absence of it.

Focus your parenting directly on your child's behavior
or indirectly focus on what surrounds it?

Nicely, just sitting each at its site

for a while !

440

The direct interaction is indicated if clarity, certainty and
limitation are required at the moment, without negati-
vely affecting the child or environment.

Typical direct parenting is:

Clearly agree with the child so that it knows exactly what
is possible and what is not.
Apply rules consistently.
Talk to the child when drawing up rules of conduct.
Specify place and time for certain behavior.
Intervene where necessary.
Adding habits and rituals as self-evident reactions.

Direct parenting is especially useful as:

So clarity, security and limitation are needed here and
now.
So it is not possible to work on the child or is not obvious.
So the situation can not just be changed or adjusted to
the child.

The indirect approach

in parenting is aimed at the per-

son and the experience of the child and his physical and
social environment.

A characteristic of this approach is that you want to cre-
ate the ideal external and internal conditions and growth
context that makes development possible. Attention is
given to everything that indirectly, in both space and

441

time, can exert a positive or negative influence on the
child in one way or another.

Important perspectives are:

• to develop a positive and open relationship

which you, as a parent, present yourself as a
person who already realizes the human being
to a considerable degree and knows how to
get a good height of the child;

• creating an affective good climate that pro-

motes 'personality growth' and

• the use of living situations so that they offer

optimal opportunities for self-development
of the child.

Typical indirect parenting

is:

Listening to what lives with the child.
Helping the child to express feelings.
Talk to the child in an open manner.
Creating an open climate with open communication.
Providing ordening and regularity.
Trying to take away tensions in the child.
Creating a living environment that promotes personal
growth.
Building a positive relationship with the child.
Stimulating social interaction with children.
A good way to deal with child.
Living together with child from which spontaneous de-
velopment can arise.

442

Offering identification options for child.
Expressing cheerfulness and humor.
Promote active openness to the world.
Helping to develop a life plan for the child.

Indirect parenting is especially useful:

As a basis that makes the development of the child pos-
sible.
If the child is very sensitive to the environment.
According  to  researcher  at  the  University  of  California
Alison Gopnik, there are parents who previously act to-
wards a preconceived development goal for their child,
as a carpenter.  They have a certain type of child for eye
that  develops  into  an  ideal  adult. This  is  in  contrast  to
parents  who create  favorable  conditions  for their  child
that  enable  their  own  growth  and  development,  diffe-
rent  from  other  children  and  themselves  as  parents,
such as a gardener. It seems desirable that the first ap-
proach  that  emerged  from  previous  research  could  be
replaced  by  the  second  approach  that  is  more  in  line
with  recent  research. According to  her,  parents should
not shape what is going on in their child's head. It is bet-
ter that they allow their brain to explore all the possibili-
ties that the world offers them.

The positioning of the direct and indirect approach
to each other

can be done by placing the parental

action directly aimed at the child's actions against the in-

443

direct parenting that takes place around the child's act-
ions. This last action can relate to the concrete behavi-
oral situation or the broader context, or to the relations-
hip  with  the  child,  or  to  the  conceptual  framework  for
parenting, also called the living and upbringing climate.

It goes without saying that both approaches can be used
additionally. That in addition to attention that you give
to  certain  behavior  that  you  may  or  may  not  want  for
your  child,  you  can  also  pay  attention  to  the  situation,
relationship  and  climate  in  dealing  with  your  child. Yet
you will find that you have to act more directly at certain
moments, while at other times a more indirect approach
is possible or desirable. In the direct approach, you strive
for  an  immediate  result  ;  in  the  indirect  approach,  the
effect can be expected in the longer term.

The  child  is  on  the  border  between  direct  and  indi-
rect. Strictly speaking, the direct approach does not fo-
cus  on  the  child  but  directly  on  his  behavior. Strictly
speaking, the indirect approach focuses on the circum-
stances for the behavior. As a parent, you can of course
turn to the child who shows a certain behavior in certain
circumstances  and  speak  to  it. This  way  you  can  state
that talking with the child and appealing to the child is
part of the indirect approach. The child is then expected
to adjust his behavior, or attention is given to the child

444

so that he can adjust his behavior. For example, the fati-
gue or the stress of the child are reduced so that the
child can better adjust himself.

Find out what is parenting directly and indirectly:

Rune,  5  years  old,  has  a  hard  time. He  constantly  rubs
against his two-year-old brother Thomas.He has enough
of it. He wants to defend his territory in the back seat of
the car at any cost.

Mama Birgit tries to appease them with Nicely, sit quiet
each on its side for a while!'
'Thomas, you are the oldest', Daddy Bart tries, 'can you
be the bravest?'

"Bart, should we not stop and eat and drink a bit," Birgit
asks  with  some  concern. 'We  may  be  able  to  get  away
from the road a little further and take time to picnic at
this beautiful weather and take a short walk', Bart tries
to give everyone courage.

"Rune and Thomas, I'll sit between you both, then I can
read to you from the comic that Thomas got this morning
for his birthday. Or if you like it, I also want to chat with
you. That  has  had  not  much  of  a  chance  lately

”', Mum

Birgit tries to meet them.

“Bart, maybe it was not such a good idea to want to drive
all the way at once because we wanted to make a day

446

Keep distance
and go on

As a parent or child you experience occasionally that you
should do or say something, but that something in your
environment or something in yourself prevents you from
doing or saying this. You do or say nothing at all, or you
do or say something different than what you wanted.

The pressure from the outside was too big, or the pres-
sure from within yourself was too strong, so that you did
not go through.  Somewhat externally or internally tried
to  make  something  clear  to  you  and  sell  something  to
you and you listened and bought it. You left it to some-
thing  external  or  internal  and  you  gave  them  the

Sometimes thoughts, feelings, memories and percep-
tions of yourself or of your environment bother you.
How to keep a distance and continue anyway ?

447

lead. You did not choose how you would deal with some-
thing  and  what  influence  you  would  give  some-
thing. There was no distance whatsoever, what the out-
side  world  wanted  or  did  not  want,  or  something  you
wanted  or  did  not  want  took  over,  so  that  you  had  no
more freedom and could not choose.  You had sidelined
yourself.

The  outside  world  may  overtake  you  with  certain
thoughts  and  certain  feelings  and they  are so  penetra-
ting that you can not ignore them. You take them over
as your thoughts and your feelings and you let them im-
mediately  act  and  determine  your  reaction. The
thought,  for  example,  that  you  can  not  do  something
right and the feeling that you will fail. This easily under-
mines  your  self-confidence  and  your  spontaneous  fee-
ling of being successful and that it will be easy. The in-
tention  was  perhaps  a  clumsy  attempt  by  the  environ-
ment  to  let  you  make  more  effort. But  it  activated  a
weakness thinking and weakness feeling in you.

Possibly  you  yourself  as  a  parent  or  child  have  a  ten-
dency, whether or not under the influence of the envi-
ronment,  to  develop  certain  thoughts  and  certain  fee-
lings  that  are  so  penetrating  that  you  can  not  ignore
them. You  then  experience  these  thoughts  as  true  to
reality  and  experience  the  feelings  as  a  reflection  of  a
real  situation. The  thought,  for  example,  that  others
don’t like you and the feeling to be not welcome. This

448

easily  undermines  your  self-image  and  your  self-
esteem. The intention of yourself was perhaps to protect
you  from  any  disappointment. But  it  activated  a weak-
ness thinking and weakness feeling in you.

Many of those thoughts and feelings that come to you
from your surroundings or from yourself, have to do with
previous  experiences  or possible  fantasies  and  are  sto-
red  in  the  memory. In  the  memory  of  someone  from
your surroundings or in your own memory. If a new si-
tuation  in  which  a  performance  has  to  be  delivered  or
where  you  have  to  be  accepted  and  get  opportunities,
then these memories of real experiences or possible fan-
tasies  easily  reappear. They  have  to  help  you  or  warn
you. But in reality they usually stop you or hinder you, so
that it is possible that things go wrong.

These emotional and experience memories are stored in
schemes in memory, respectively emotional and cogni-
tive memory schemes. In a new situation they are easily
activated as accompanying. They allow you to deal with
the situation more easily by making available what you
have  already  experienced  in  such  situations. They  also
allow  that  new  experiences  and  feelings  in  the current
situation  are  added  to  the  memory  schemes  for  later
use.

However,  a risk  is  that  they  will  disrupt  the  perception
and handling of the current situation. The situation is no

449

longer  approached  without  prejudice  and  spontane-
ously,  but  it  is  emotionally  and  cognitively  recognized
and reduced to what has already been experienced and
what  is  already  known. If  these  previous  feelings  and
stored knowledge about the situation are pleasant and
favorable,  this  can  only  be  helpful. However,  if  these
previous feelings and stored knowledge are unpleasant
and unfavorable, they hold a certain risk for your current
interaction.

In  such  situations  the  unpleasant  and  unfavorable  me-
mories  can  better  be  omitted.    However,  this  is  easier
said  than  done. They emerge spontaneously to help or
warn. Help to take a threshold, to warn of a possible pit-
fall. In reality, however, trying to omit these unpleasant
memories as a parent or as a child, usually mean that you
are going to get away from the whole situation, but miss
out on a lot of opportunities.

In order to avoid this avoidance, you can choose not to
escape the emerging memories, but to keep them at a
distance, so that they will be less disruptive to your ac-
tions  and  reactions. The  thoughts  and  feelings  of  your
environment or of yourself are still there and you recog-
nize  them. However,  you  are  no  longer  involved  in
it. You  may  not  find  them  correct  or  right. You  just  do
not  take  them  over.  You  just  do  not  give  them  the
lead. You  do  not  let  yourself  be  sidelined. You  ensure,
however, that there is sufficient distance between those

450

thoughts  and  feelings  on  the  one  hand  from  activated
memory  schemes  and  yourself  and  reality  on  the
other. You  choose  yourself  how  you  want  to  deal  with
it. For  example,  as  if  not  correct,  not  right,  not  usable,
not applicable, not helpful, as disturbing, as if past, and
so on. You choose how much and what influence you al-
low.

It can always be a good idea to keep a healthy distance
with your thoughts and feelings. They give something up
to  now,  they  indicate  what  you  can  expect. However,
they  give  no  guarantee  for  here  and  now  and  for  the
further course. Keeping in mind that things can be diffe-
rently  and can  be  done differently,  leave  thoughts  and
feelings  for  what  they  are,  namely  as  information. This
prevents  them  from  taking  the  lead  or  taking
over. Because of this distance you can continue despite
thoughts and feelings that you want to inform and warn.
At most you can continue to give them the function of
informing you, so that you can continue to be better ar-
med and with more effort or more alert.

It can also always be a good idea to keep a healthy dis-
tance  from  your  emotional  and  experience  memories
stored in your memory schemes. By experiencing them
less as fixed, but as complementary and changeable, you
give them their real and meaningful meaning.  Informa-
tion from the past that you try to help for the future, but
certainly  open  to  other  future  experiences  to  store  in

451

your changing memory images for the further changing
future.

For example, as a parent or child you can experience fee-
lings of insecurity or disappointment without automati-
cally  being  insecure  or  reacting  disappointedly. For
example,  as  a  parent  or  child,  you  may  experience
thoughts  of  possible  failure  or  of  possibly  be  rejected,
without responding as if you would fail or were rejected.

By keeping a distance from a representation of a situa-
tion,  you  can  continue  in  the  reality  of  the  situa-
tion. Otherwise,  there  is  a  danger  that  the  represen-
tation will arise between you and the reality of the situ-
ation, so that it prevents you from dealing with it. By gi-
ving the representation a less central place and putting
it more to the side at a certain distance, you can see and
decide  for  yourself  what  is  relevant  and  what  you  can
use.

You  do  not  keep  away  from  the  situation,  which easily
happens  to  you  with  expressing  thoughts,  feelings  and
memories. You then keep away from your thoughts, fee-
lings and memories, so that you can continue in the si-
tuation.

Keeping your distance prevents you from having to deny
or  ignore  thoughts,  feelings  and  memories. It  also  pre-
vents you from having to change your thoughts, feelings

452

and memories, which usually does not work as well be-
cause  they  are  the  synthesis  of  your  previous  expe-
riences. Synthesis  that  can  change  step  by  step  on  the
basis of new and hopefully more positive and favorable
experiences, but can not suddenly turn around or can be
thought or felt in the opposite.

A healthy distance to thoughts, feelings and memories is
a distance that allows you to make your own choices and
to let you take the lead. The thoughts, feelings and me-
mories  are  yours,  and  not  the  other  way  that  your
thoughts, feelings and memories possess you. You also
do  not  automatically  coincide  with  your  thoughts,  fee-
lings and memories and you do not just identify yourself
with them and not just completely.

As a parent, or as a child, or together, you can try to gain
experience with distance. You can do this in new real si-
tuations. You can also do this by means of past remem-
bered situations.  As a parent, you can stand in front of
your child as a model and keep going. For example, you
can  show  your  child  that  being  angry  does  not  im-
mediately mean being angry without control and restric-
tion. This way your child can learn to feel irritation wit-
hout having to be irritating.

So far we have indicated why and how to keep a distance
from what you or someone else raises in you, especially
your thoughts, feelings and memories.

453

Keeping distance can also be used by keeping the situa-
tion itself at a sufficient distance, so that it prevents un-
wanted thoughts, feelings and memories in yourself or
your surroundings.  By keeping a sufficient distance in a
situation and in relation to a situation, but also by looking
at  and  absorbing  a  situation  from  a  sufficient  distance,
you can try to achieve this.  In this way you avoid giving
the guidance to the situation and being determined by
the situation.

This way you do not coincide with a potentially unfavo-
rable situation. That something failed, that others do not
accept  you,  does  not  automatically  have  to  evoke  fee-
lings, thoughts or memories in you. It is an actual reality
that you does not give the power to overwhelm yourself
and to determine what to feel and indirectly how to re-
act. That  you  did  not  succeed  the  first  time,  that  you
were  not  allowed  to  participate  immediately,  you  can
put it yourself at a sufficient distance, you become less
angry, you start thinking less that you can not do some-
thing or do not count, you start to conclude less that try-
ing again does not make sense and you can continue to
believe in it.

It  can  be  experienced  that  often  too  much  meaning  is
given  to  thoughts,  feelings,  memories  and  the  situa-
tion. This can be further enhanced by the sensitivity of
yourself  to  such  a  sense  of  meaning  for  yourself. Or

454

strengthened by the power of forced or self-generated
thoughts, feelings, memories and situational percep-
tion. This may be because they come to you with a lot of
external pressure, or because you yourself develop more
than just expressive thoughts, feelings, memories or per-
ceptions. Especially then it will be important to know to
keep distance, to be able to continue to be important.

What does the practice say?

As a parent or child I easily get involved with the thoughts
and feelings of others who make it difficult for me : yes or
no
As  a  parent  or  child  I  easily  get  involved  with  thoughts
and feelings of myself that make it difficult for me : yes or
no
I  take  spontaneously  over  the  thoughts  and  feelings  of
others as a parent or child : yes or no
I  identify  myself  as  a  parent  or  child  with  my  thoughts
and feelings : yes or no
I want to be more independent as a parent or child and
to  keep  away  from  the  thoughts  and  feelings  from  the
environment : yes or no
I want to be more independent as a parent or child and
to  keep  away  from  self-developed  thoughts  and  fee-
lings : yes or no
The thoughts and feelings provided by the environment
do not stop me (no longer) as a parent or child from con-
tinuing : yes   or no

456

Capacity & burden of the family

Each of us has a certain capacity and each is confronted
with a certain burden in daily life.  Likewise, a family has
a certain capacity and is faced with a certain burden.

Simply put, you could assume that the capacity of the fa-
mily  is  the  sum  of  the  capacities  of  the  family  mem-
bers. You could also assume that the load is the sum of
the loads of each individual.

It is not that simple. In addition to the individual carrying
capacity,  the  group  can  also  provide  a  certain  carrying
capacity. But just as individual capacity can be greatly re-
duced or even be absent for shorter or longer periods of
time, the capacity of the family group can be greatly re-
duced  or  even  absent  for  shorter  or  longer  periods  of
time. The presence or absence of the individual carrying
capacity can also influence the presence or absence of
the joint carrying capacity. But conversely, the presence

Also the family has a certain carrying capacity and has
a certain load capacity. These fluctuate over time.

457

or absence of group support can influence the presence
or absence of individual capacity. In other words, family
members  can  derive  part  of  their  capacity  from  being
part  of  the  family  group. Conversely,  the  family  group
can derive its capacity from the input of individual family
members. Belonging  to  this  family  makes  you
strong. This  family  is  strong  because  she  can  rely  on
you. You  gain  strength  from  the  capacity  of  the  fa-
mily. The  family  acquires  strength  from  your  capa-
city. This  way you can say that  family members  have a
greater capacity than if they were not members of the
family with capacity. You can also say that family mem-
bers have a lower level of ability when they are part of a
family with a greatly reduced or lost capacity than if they
were not a family member.

It is similar to what concerns the burden. In addition to
the individual load, the group can also ensure a certain
load. But just as the individual can ensure reduced or ab-
sent  payload,  the  group  can  also  try  to  reduce  the
burden of work or reduce it. The presence or absence of
the individual load can also influence the presence or ab-
sence of the joint load. Conversely, the presence or ab-
sence of the group burden can affect the presence or ab-
sence of the individual load. In other words, family mem-
bers  can  be  partially  confronted  with  the  burden  that
comes  from  the  family  group.  Conversely,  the  family
group can partly see its burden as a result of the indivi-
dual burden.

458

Summarized,  this  means  that  the  group  can  make  you
stronger  or  even  weaker  in  terms  of  capacity.  This  de-
pends on whether or not the group has a certain capa-
city. And that the group can make you get more or less
burden. This depends on whether the group has more or
less load. Ideal for family members is a strong supporting
group  that  forms  a  buffer  for  to  be  overloaded.  It  is
usually  for  that  reason  that  people  like  to  be  part  of  a
group. She provides strength and protection.

However,  as  soon  as  that  group  force  and  that  group
protection are reduced and disappear, and group weak-
ness and group load take its place, it can be seen that the
family  members  are  under  severe  pressure.  It  under-
mines your own power and increases your own load.  If
you already have a small amount of power and you are
already  being  loaded  to  a  large  extent  yourself,  we
quickly see a shortage of own power with the increased
load.

You can feel this intuitively as a family member and you
are therefore willing to make a lot of effort to keep the
family group going and keeping the pressure and burden
of the family group as low as possible. A lot of individual
efforts are being made for group strength and the pro-
tection of the group. The more so because family mem-
bers  may  experience  for  themselves  that  they  do  not
have sufficient individual capacity and that they are con-
fronted with too great an individual burden. So that one

459

hopes  to  be  sustained  thanks  to  the  capacity  of  the
group  and  its  lower  load.  Sometimes  little  attention  is
given to their own carrying capacity and bearing load and
they concentrate on the carrying capacity of the group
and its bearing load. It is no longer about itself but it is
about the group.  This is what it then comes turning on
in your own way of thinking and doing.

The interaction between the mental, physical health and
psychological resilience of the individual family members
on the one hand, and the resilience of the family on the
other, is nevertheless crucial for the optimal functioning
of the family. It determines the well-being of the family.

This  was  very  concretely  demonstrated  by  a  survey  of
the Greek population in which the relationship between
the resilience of the family on the one hand and the well-
being of the parents and the resilience of the parents on
the other was studied.

Specifically, it was, for example, found that parents, who
reported higher levels of coping strategies in terms of fa-
mily resilience, were more likely to report higher levels
of  well-being  and  psychological  resilience  as  a  parent.
However, no significant differences were found in family
resilience on the one hand and parental well-being and
resilience  on  the  other  hand  between  mothers  and
fathers.

460

For the good functioning of the family it is important that
her capacity can be greater than her burden. This capa-
city  is  not  stable  but  constantly  evolving  and  possibly
changing. Similarly, the load is not stable but also in evo-
lution and often changing.

For the family, it can then be important  to pay perma-
nent  attention  to  maintaining  its  capacity  and,  if  pos-
sible, increasing it. For the family, it can also be impor-
tant  to pay  permanent  attention  to  keeping  its  burden
sufficiently  low  and,  if  possible,  having  it  reduced. This
can create a certain reserve and a surplus that prevents
the  family  from  losing  their  carrying  capacity  if  the
burden is too high.

Spontaneously and permanently, a number of elements
and  processes  can  be  present  that  strengthen  the  car-
rying capacity. Spontaneously and permanently, a num-
ber of elements and processes can also be present that
reduce  the  carrying  capacity. Some  of  these  elements
and processes can not be influenced immediately. They
form  the  protective  or  risk  factors  and  processes  pre-
sent.

A number of other, however, can be influenced, which
can  contribute  to  the  carrying  capacity. Getting  these
elements and processes in the picture can contribute to
a greater capacity.

461

For example, it can be established that each family mem-
ber develops a number of contents that relate to each
other. These are display, ordering and relationship con-
tents that contribute to determining and contributing re-
lational interaction and communication to a certain ex-
tent. Among other things, they take the form of relatio-
nal  and  communicative  schemes.  These  schemes  sum-
marize  each  person's  personal  experience  and
knowledge  in  relational  and  relation-communicative
fields  (representations)  as  organized  representations
(presentations) that outline what is and can be expected
of  (and  within)  the  family  relationship  (re-representa-
tion). They are mental plans at an abstract level that are
implicit and provide direction for relational and commu-
nicative  action  and  serve  as  structures  for  interpreting
and  summarizing  knowledge  and  experience  informa-
tion.

These  cognitive  relations  and  relationship  schemes  are
surrounded by a web of broader (cultural, context, situa-
tion) and person-related (individuality, state, self-image,
the  others)  schemes.  Of  importance  here  are  the
schemes used about themselves, each other and the en-
vironment with a view to reaction and assignment in or-
der to be able to use the most optimal opportunities for
each  and  the  relationship.  Who,  what  or  how  am
I? Who, what or how is the other? Who, what or how
is the environment? And how can they respond to each
other?  Because  new  experiences  are  constantly  being

462

gained  and  new  knowledge  and  insights  are  gained,
these schemes are subject to change.

Among  other  things,  under  the  influence  of  this  conti-
nuous cognitive activity, in addition to the real interac-
tion,  these  family  relationships  tend  to  be  constantly
changing, unstable and non-linearly evolving. That is why
so much mental energy is  often invested in understan-
ding one's own relationship with the other family mem-
bers and their evolution, in an effort to get a more stra-
tegic grip on it.

To  this  end,  family  members  use relational  trajectories
such as cognitive schemas with regard to the relational
history,  the  relational  situation  and  the  relational  fu-
ture. Especially  the future-oriented  trajectory  is  impor-
tant because one's personal actions and the assessment
of the other's actions partly tends to be based on the ex-
pected future relationship, in addition to the current re-
lationship situation. Just as these trajectory schemes in-
fluence  action  and  discussion,  the  concrete  behavioral
and conversational experiences also influence the trajec-
tory schemes.

Because these relational mental schemas exist for each
family member separately and are seldom fully aligned,
relationships are often in motion. The tensions present
sometimes lead to strategic and tactical relational talking

463

and acting, in which interaction and discussions are pro-
vided in order to achieve certain joint relations and com-
munication perspectives in reality or on a mental level.

Thus, in  the  partner  relationship  of  the  parents  and  in
the  parent-child  relationship,  phases  in  the  course  of
their development can be recognized. Phases that once
again contribute to a greater joint capacity. Then again
phases in which the carrying capacity loses strength.

For example, in a relationship one wants, as often at the
beginning,  to  seek  and  experience  an  intense  rela-
tionship with a lot of tenderness, a we-feeling, which at
times  becomes  (too)  oppressive  and  requires  a  lot  of
itself.

On the basis of this experience one goes or chooses ea-
sily towards himself, an ego-orientation. Putting oneself
in the foreground, which implies pressure on the other
to change, to meet one's own wishes and ideals and to
become as one imagines or wishes the other.

Tempering experiences, in turn, bring the perspective of
coexisting with one another in the foreground. From in-
creased insight, preferably with as little pressure as pos-
sible  from  the  relationship  and  from  the  other. But  ra-
ther,  as  has  become  clear,  leaving  room  for  the  rela-
tionship  as  feasible  and  as  desired  and  with  room  for

464

each as one wants and each wants to be. Not as deter-
mined by the other person, but with being accepted by
and with the help of that other person and the relations-
hip.

In order to be able to result in a co-existing (mutual) re-
lationship  with  one  another,  in  which  one  comes  to
share with the other from the gained autonomy and the
acquired integrity.  With an enriching and strengthening
of each other and the relationship based on affective in-
volvement, shared intimacy, appreciation, solidarity and
participation. With a finding of each other, with tender
attention  and  care  for  what  is  at  issue,  but  also  for
oneself and the other and for the relationship.

In  this  way  the relationship  always  acquires  a  different
perspective, balancing between us and me and a mixture
of both, in order to continue to realize a viable and satis-
fying situation that is decisive for the available capacity
as a family group.

In  this  developmental  course  of  the  parent-child  rela-
tionship  and  the  partner  relationship  of  the  parents, a
different  schema can  always  be the  central  focus :  the
we-feeling,  the  self-centeredness,  the  mutual  co-exis-
tence. Or, if necessary, a schema can be made more cen-
tral: the we-feeling, the together-with-each other (stan-
ding).  Sometimes the same schematic contents are ac-
tivated  simultaneously  on  the  two  sides,  sometimes

465

not. Especially if this  is  not the case, this  can influence
the carrying capacity to a lesser or more pronounced de-
gree in an unfavorable direction. Sometimes it turns out
to be one or two-sided around avoiding certain schema
contents, such as the we-feeling or the I-feeling.

Schemes  that  are  attractively  or  'repulsively'  activated
can provide an increase in the load-bearing capacity that
is appropriate for the bearing load. They can also reduce
or undermine the capacity. Often is responded to an ac-
tivated  scheme  that  is  less  appropriate. Since  schemes
contain, in addition to an actual element, also a feeling
and value element, this feeling and value element easily
holds someone in this scheme. Their use may be more
emotional and judiciously satisfactory for someone. So-
metimes the schema also makes that the feelings and va-
lue judgments contained in it make someone react to the
others. As a result, there is still little eye for reality and it
is difficult to get away from it because of the emotional
and the expressed opinion. The factual element and re-
ality are still little discussed.  One is held in the schema,
as it were, and holds the other in the confrontation. This
while  the  activation  and  use  of  another  schema  might
offer a better understanding and way out.

For example, family members can accuse each other of
shortcomings in one or more areas.  The feelings and va-
lue judgments that hang around here can make the at-

466

tacked family members feel misunderstood for their ef-
forts and just find that the other person himself does not
want to notice this. It then turns out to be a lot about a
mutual  shortcoming. This  can  easily  lead  to  appropria-
tion on both sides of the right to defend itself and to no
longer commit itself to such an ungrateful person.  And
this just at a time when each is very vulnerable and the
joint capacity deserves some support.

At such a moment, looking together at the problems that
each encounter and the effort that everyone has already
made  to  overcome,  can  make  the  perspective  of  the
other more interesting and  so one can mitigate his ex-
pectations  towards  each  other. A  completely  different
scheme is then activated. A scheme that can contribute
to  the  collective  capacity.    Each  feels  acknowledged  in
his  difficulties.    This  can  reduce  the  distance  to  each
other, as a result of which the carrying capacity can in-
crease, or at least space can arise.

For  example,  in  households  with  a  disturbed  balance
between  carrying  capacity  and  bearing  load,  it  often
turns around or is about  not being able to talk to each
other anymore, let alone influence each other. Either it
revolves around a constant confrontation, or it revolves
around avoiding as much as possible and avoiding each
other. The schemes confrontation and pressure are then
activated, or the schemes distance and ignore. By activa-
ting and switching on other schemes such as space and

467

openness, communication may be kicked off and re-in-
fluenced.

For  example,  in  a  family  with  a  disturbed  balance  bet-
ween  carrying  capacity  and  bearing  capacity  the
pleasant and positive moments can be little or no longer
present. Everything revolves around unpleasant and ne-
gative moments. The attempt to preserve the remaining
favorable moments or to search again, if necessary with
the help of the outside world, can make it turn around
something  favorable. This  may  offer  the  strength  to
tackle the difficulties and tensions seen in its real pers-
pective  and  to  bring  them  to  a  solution.    What  in  fact
would  then  have  to  contribute  to  building  capacity,
would otherwise increase the load. So that the share of
carrying  capacity  then  easily  reaches  the  share  of  the
load. The family is then no longer a strong force, but it is
a heavy burden.

The living situation in which the family ended up can thus
activate  certain  schemes. But  the  family  members  can
also  choose  together  from  the  existing  living  situation
with the problems that arise there, which cause the bur-
den of carrying, to set themselves as a family objectives
to  deal with  this  difficult  life  situation. This set of com-
mon goals in relation to dealing with the existing difficul-
ties can make one find each other easier, and so the ca-
pacity  to  bear  can  increase. These  joint  objectives  can
then activate joint schemes that can help the assignment

468

for which one has placed themselves to a successful con-
clusion.  The joint objectives then create a new or more
appropriate context that enables and appeals to a diffe-
rent approach. In this context, see the theme brochure
' How contextual are you?'

Similarly, family members can come to realize how im-
portant  the  group  support  is  for  each.    This  is  possible
from the observation that this threatens to be lost or is
virtually absent. From there they can then choose to go
back  to  each  other  and  to  find  out  how  by  activating
which  individual  and  joint  schemes  the  objective  of  a
joint capacity again give opportunities.

The context of the family - to provide support for sharing
the burden - can be the guiding factor for self-imposed
objectives. In this connection, see the theme 'Sustaina-
ble interplay' of this encyclopedia.

Formulate for yourself what the family capacity or sup-
port can strengthen?

For each given answer, indicate:
What does the concept mean for you now:
what content could this be:
what is your behavioral response to this:
which way could this be:
where and when is this activated:
what could this be:

473

Drug use
child

Relationship with your child

As a parent you don't want to have to deal with it. How-
ever, you may suspect that your child is using drugs at
some time. Or you will hear from the school or through
the CLB, the center for pupil guidance. They appeal to
you to inform you and get your cooperation.

Ideally, you want to prevent your child from contact with
drugs and take preventive action. You can try to do this
by offering a favorable home, giving your child sufficient
attention and support, following your child with whom
he or she interacts and where they are staying. Maybe
you choose to let his friends come to your home, so that

It is not easy today as a parent to prevent your child
from having contact with drugs. What can you do
preventively and how can you respond? How to talk
to your child, activate his own forces and offer sup-
port with regard to drug use?

474

you have a clear view of your child and you don't have to
check something. You can also do something together at
intervals,  this strengthens  the  mutual  bond  and  that  is
how you build up credit. Regularly talking to your child
as openly as possible can also make you have a good idea
of what it is doing.  You can read more about this in the
theme section ‘Connected parenting’ of this encyclope-
dia.

It is important to build a relationship of trust with your
child so that you know that your child would not just ac-
cept a proposal to use drugs. Knowing your child well can
make you know that not only adults must protect it from
drugs. Your child can act on its own or from what it thinks
as a sufficient brake that ensures that it does not go be-
yond its own limits.

Own attitude towards drugs

As a parent you usually have a number of negative rep-
resentations of drugs and drug use. It leads to addiction.
Your child is on the wrong track. It jeopardizes its future.
It ends up in a wrong circle of friends, a circle of often
older drug users. You lose contact with and control over
your child. It is sent from school. It comes into contact
with the police and the youth judiciary. Your child is in
danger.  There  is  no  way  back.  It  causes  damage  to  his
health,  also  mental  damage.  The  child  is  in  financial
need. It goes from bad to worse.

475

You  will  often  want  to  convey  this  to  your  child:  going
beyond certain limits also means ending up in a closed,
isolated  world  and  thus  sidelining  themselves  or  being
sidelined. That it only seems that drugs offer something,
but that you actually lose. That you blow up bridges and
you  risk  your  future.  Even  though  these  are  your  fears
and  this  is  your  opinion,  overwhelming  your  child  with
this  usually  provokes  resistance  and  distance  because
your child lives in the here and now and only perceives
immediate  consequences.

Many of these fears are un-

necessary  because  most  young  people  get  no  further
than getting acquainted with drugs during experimental
and occasional use.

Some people don't think drugs are a problem. You may
be thinking for yourself, as an adult or in some situations.
However, it often seems like a defense of your child and
the situation in which it ended up. You want to show the
outside  world  that  there  is  no  problem  with  your  child
and  that  everything  is  okay.  However,  this  means  that
you  offer  insufficient  help  and  support  to  the  outside
world. Something that can seem as if you are indifferent
to the situation.

If there is a problem, you may find that your child uses a
different logic, as if it is on a different wavelength. It does
not seem approachable and is not open to reason. As if
something or others determine and dominate his behav-
ior. You are no longer in the front row. On the contrary,

476

the child tries to avoid you. A personal conversation is no
longer possible. You have the feeling that you are losing
your child.

Short and long term

If  there  is  a  perceived  or  identified  problem,  you  will
want  to  act  primarily  in  the  short  term.  Preferably  as
early as possible, preferably at the first contact. Your ac-
tions are primarily problem-oriented, curative and ques-
tion-oriented. The latter involves finding out what your
child  needs  and  what  is  underlying  when  a  problem  is
present with your child, such as helping to get a grip on
its behavior and itself, gaining more confidence, helping
to put a stop to its unfavorable situation, more support
and the necessary structure.

In addition, it is best to remember not to forget a long-
term  perspective.  You  can  then  act  in  a  solution-ori-
ented,  preventive  and  vision-oriented  manner  to  pre-
vent beginning or relapse. In this way, before your child
comes into contact with drugs, you can talk about it so
that it can develop an attitude towards use. This is nec-
essary because just about every child will come into con-
tact with drugs and there is before more room for your
input and model.

477

Signals and signs

In the first phase, as a parent, it will be important to gain
insight  into  what  is  happening  during  use.  You  can  ask
your child about it without immediately condemning or
accusing  it,  and  you  can  inquire  the  environment.  You
can  also  pay  attention  to  certain  signals  and  signs  that
are noticeable from certain changes, such as somewhat
peculiar  and  aloof  behavior,  indifference,  absence,
changed  feelings,  emotions,  thinking  and  attitude.  Or
you can look at what is striking, such as certain equilib-
rium  disorders,  exaggerated  talking  or  silence,  unrest,
giggling,  coordination  problems,  neglect  of  tasks  and
oneself, or possibly your child who appears rather con-
fused. If necessary, you can magnify these symptoms for
yourself to better notice them.

You can also pay attention to possible symptoms in social
behavior,  such  as  unexpected  or  changing  group  for-
mation and separate groups that arise. You can also pay
attention to symptoms in communicative behavior, such
as secret language, rumors, drug knowledge and vocab-
ulary and stories. Your child may initially want to deny or
minimize use. Then indicate that you already know and
there is a problem for you.

478

Underlying trigger

In  conversation  you  can  search  for  clarification  for  the
underlying trigger. Is it out of curiosity or boredom, or is
your child looking for a kick or pleasure experience, does
it form part of its search for its own identity, does it want
to belong somewhere to or not be excluded, or does it
want  to  drown  out  a  bad  feeling.  In  other  words,  is  it
looking for a surplus, or is it a loss. In the first case it is
about a search for pleasure and its repetition, in the sec-
ond case it is about removing pain and bad feeling and
not experiencing the appearance. Hereby you can try to
find out which phase of drug use your child is in: is it ex-
perimental  (curiosity,  belonging),  regular  (recurring,
when  the  occasion  arises),  critic  (with  consequences,
making a choice), addiction (absorbing, need for money),
despair  (impasse,  everything  went  through).  You  can
take into account that most young people are in the first
phase  and  their  use  is  incidental  and  that  only  a  small
number are in the last phase.

Thinking and acting together

Based on your expressed concern and involvement, you
and  your  child  can  think  about  who  can  do  what  and
how. It is important to help your child discover what to
want  and  to  be  able  to  change  in  which  way.  Make  it
clear that behavior only has a chance to stop after you
have decided to change and have chosen to stop it. You

479

can talk to your child in such a way that it can make an
assessment of his situation and find the strength within
itself to conduct his further reaction. With this you can
see what the child wants in principle and what the reality
is now. For example, not wanting drugs for themselves
instead  of  participating  with  others,  finding  their  own
way instead of risk-taking behavior, feeling good instead
of looking for kicks, and so on. You can take into account
that  your  child  will  be  more  inclined  to  respond  posi-
tively  if  you  can  come  to  specific  actions  together  to
change the current situation. You can opt to talk about
this in a non-moralizing, but process-oriented and result-
oriented manner (from, for example, refusing to talk is
not allowed, to refusing to cooperate makes me uncer-
tain and worried; from, for example, ignoring is wrong,
to ignoring one person can hurt him a lot and can make
himself feel ignored, ...). It will be hereby important that
you  always  remain  a  point  of  contact  and resource  for
when something goes wrong, such as a overdose.

Your child will often be able to be communicatively influ-
enced.  It  will  want  to  take  into  account  or  respond  to
what is expressed and what is therefore audible, or there
will be a response from what you show and is therefore
visible. The child may have been in a bubble and will feel
placed  in  reality  by  your  intervention.  Sometimes  only
what can be felt through your behavior or through aids,
such  as  increased  supervision  and  control,  or  through

480

others will count. However, you can best start communi-
cating and if this fails, you can switch to behavioral  re-
sponses. This generally applies that the less invasive and
the  more  personal  input  from  the  child  are  preferred.
For example, it is often sufficient to give the necessary
signals of what you do not want and what you do want
instead or about what was agreed, so you do not give a
free pass and free play. You do not let happen use wit-
hout reaction, but you try to be as fast as possible with
your signals.

Social pressure

It  is  possible  that  during  conversation  it  appears  that
your child is under social pressure to use and that it does
not know how to protect or defend itself. This often hap-
pens  due  to  uncertainty  or  fear  of  rejection.  You  can
then clarify to your child how to say no and express less
uncertainty and fear. Together you can go through what
valid and useful no-answers to an invitation to drug use
could be for him or her. Such as, I am over it, no appetite
for it, allergic to it, I prefer rather ..., no interest in it, no
desire  to  mess  up  one's  health  or  condition,  not  being
used, no confidence in, unreliable substance, all tried but
did me nothing, to find for anything else but not for that,
choose  myself  what  I  want,  decide  for  myself  what  I
don't want, have decided for myself not to participate in
this, don't want the feeling that taking drugs take it over
from me, know cool things to spend my money on, don't

481

need  a  kick  to  get  a  kick,  I  can  do  without  and  you  ?,
wants  to  take  it  easy  for  a  while,  don't  want  trouble,
don't  think  everyone  here  wants  too,  I'm  just  'kicking
off', ask someone else, I prefer other 'stuff', you can have
mine, you can take my place, friends let everyone choose
themselves.  The  more confident  and  less  fear  of  rejec-
tion  is  shown,  the  more  powerful  it  can  work  out  with
less chance of adverse side effects. You can support this
as  a  parent  by  helping  your  child  to  develop  a  positive
sense of self and sufficient self-confidence.

You can also try to influence group pressure. To this end,
you can monitor whether your peers are not adversely
affecting each other in an unfavorable way, possibly with
pressure,  threat,  dominance,  dependence,  uniformity,
defenselessness, social media, selective sources of infor-
mation, deprivation of support, demands for loyalty, sac-
rifice and secrecy.

Own share of approach and share of others

As  a  parent  you can  first  pick  it  up  yourself,  if  possible
together  with  the  school  or  youth  organization.  In  the
event of repetition or regularity, you can appeal to pro-
fessional services and, in the case of continuity and ab-
sorption, refer to specialized centers. You can obtain in-
formation anonymously from the telephone information
service, the DrugLijn.

482

At the same time, in contacts with the school or the pupil
guidance center, you can ask to raise the awareness of
pupils by informing them, pointing out serious risks and
risks to safety, health, development and mortgaging the
future for themselves and fellow pupils. You can ask to
indicate  possible  consequences  for  pupils  and  missed
opportunities. Learn to assess risks together with pupils
and view the downside of something. Requesting atten-
tion  for  their  own  choice,  their  own  assignment,  their
own  responsibility,  their  own  possibility  and  their  own
limits. For individual problems, you can ask a teacher to
discuss with the pupil how he or she can deal with the
problem, how the teacher thinks he or she can deal with
the problem from what you expect or hope as a parent,
and how the pupil, the teacher and the group can handle
the problem together.

Change takes time

As a parent you cannot expect that the problem behav-
ior will immediately be omitted and the problem will be
solved immediately. You can determine what is still un-
resolved (you would now, you were not there, you did
this, ...), and indicate the direction where you want to go
(I would like, we expect that, you would, we agreed). ..),
indicate the work and effort required for this (we are not
there yet, try to expand what is successful, ...) and indi-

483

cate  your  own  willingness  and commitment  (I  will  sup-
port  you  in  this,  you can  always  come  and  talk,  I  don't
want to let you go ...).

It  is  best  to  take  into  account  that  change  always  re-
quires time, phases and steps in someone's thinking and
feeling,  in  someone's  behavior  and  reaction,  in  some-
one's environment and with others, sometimes change
can start in one part at some moment, sometimes in the
other.  This  time,  phases  and  steps  are  even  more  de-
manded if change is desired on both sides. In addition to
time, it also requires that account be taken of changes in
space, opportunities, possibilities and resources in one's
thinking  and  feeling,  in  one's  behavior  and  reaction,  in
one's  environment  and  with  others.  This  is  even  more
necessary if change is desired on both sides. In addition
to time and space, you can take into account that change
requires stimulation, encouragement and reinforcement
on a mental, behavioral and social-real level. In this way
you  can  specifically  take  into  account  that  mentally
changes require attention, awareness, sensibilisation, in-
terest, willingness to take action and care.

Avoid relapse

To avoid a recurrence, you can help the child learn about
the  processes  that  encourage  and  sustain  drug use,  so
that the child can use this insight and these processes to
prevent recurrence. Which steps lead to this behavior in

484

order to use the opportunities to be able to intervene in
each of these steps in order to prevent the behavior. In
this way, the child can get to know more specifically the
mental  steps  that  lead  to  this  behavior,  in  order  to  be
able to intervene by changing it, to prevent the behavior.
A specific search can be made for change in perception,
in  attention,  in  remembering,  in  desire,  in  thinking,  in
feeling, in proposals and in experience.

You will often try to find out together what needs drug
use will meet and whether this cannot be achieved in any
other  way.  Specifically,  it  may  have  to  do  with  tension
reduction,  positive  self-feeling,  self-confirmation,  be-
longing.  The  question  may  then  be  asked  whether  this
can  also  be  achieved  independently  of  drugs  through
sport, relaxation, self-care, other friends, social engage-
ment, creativity, 'naturalness'. If the behavior of the child
is a reaction to a situation or to people, you can see how
you can react in a different way. For example, problems
can  be  recognized  as  needs,  such  as  the  need  to  learn
how  to  reduce  or  how  to  deal  with  emotions,  tension,
loss, setback and rejection.

What  also  can  help  is  teaching  your  child  how  to  deal
with environmental limits, such as prohibitions, rules, re-
strictions, norms, and with limits from itself, such as its
own  expectations,  agreements,  ideals  and  values.  Indi-
cating that limits are usually there to prevent problems.

485

Own input and strengths of child

It will be important to address his own strengths in the
child and of his friends, such as own strength, own goals,
self-confidence, self-esteem, preference ego, group sup-
port, group engagement, group confidence, group value
sense, preference group.

Before the first contact, it will

be important to help the child develop a personal atti-
tude towards drugs, risks and being friends. You can
read more about this in the theme section

‘Limiters: Who

or what stops me?

’ From this encyclopedia.

Finally, you can teach your child to devote more space to
itself. This can be achieved by appealing to its own free-
dom, own preferences, its own space, its own privacy, its
own feelings, its own opinion and its own territory. For
example, making something up for itself, not taking
things along, not answering, wanting to be left alone, my
life and other people's freedom, everyone does what he
or she want, personal preference, space, privacy, feel-
ings, opinion and territory.

It can help, to realize that not

all  young  people  use  drugs  and  never  started  and  that
what they say is not always what they do.

In  this  way  you  can  teach  your  child  to  make  well-in-
formed and well-considered choices for the future or to
clarify and substantiate implicit choices. In this way the
child learns to take responsibility for himself and others.
Thus,  for  example,  saying  no  can  also  mean  safety  for

486

other young people with whom you interact, who so do
not have to feel obliged against their own preference.

Extra power

Do not reduce your child to a problem of use, not your-
self  to  guardian  and  your  relationship  not  to  a  battle
scene. Your child, yourself and your mutual relationship
mean much more than that. Your child, yourself and your
relationship have many other facets with a more positive
and connecting value. If it goes difficult, you can take a
look at the interpretation that you came up to for your
child, yourself and your relationship. If there is a reduc-
tion and restriction, then you can look together what ad-
dition  and  expansion  you  can  offer  for  each  other  and
how you can to do this with what result.

If you are unable to keep your child away from drugs, you
can indicate what limits there are for you as a parent and
you can encourage your child to determine its own lim-
its.  This to limit its use to what is acceptable to you and
responsible and safe without risk and without danger of
addiction for him or herself.

How do you currently (re)act with regard to drug use?

How could you (re)act with regard to drug use?

488

From pressure
to attraction

How attractive are they?
Whether you wish it or not, whether you like it or not,
whether you are aware of it or not, your presence, your
appearance, your expression, your actions will always
have an influence on others. Who, or what, or how you
are and what you show, let hear and feel and how, will
awaken something in the other, address something, sti-
mulate something. What you activate can be what you
want, search for or prefer, or not.

In order to achieve the right impression, the right in-
fluence and the right response in a more focused man-
ner, it may be useful to become aware and discover what
you activate in the other, what thoughts, feelings, expe-
riences, desires and expectations you evoke, which side
you reach. This way you can come out more clearly with

What alternatives are there for pressure?

489

what you want to achieve in order to prevent misunder-
standings. This way you can also by changing something,
for example, when you go out to someone, try to achieve
something more preferable from the other person and
try to appeal to his attractive sides.

an example :
you want to be helped with something.
The  uncertainty  you  are  currently  experiencing  is  clear
from  your  doings. This  way,  oncoming  and  caring  re-
flexes  can  be  released  from  the  other.  Your  visible
helplessness  awakens  attention,  understanding  and  in-
volvement with the other. He may want to meet you and
your needs, if he does not feel like he is being used or ma-
nipulated.

another example :
you would like to start a conversation.
Your looking at the other person, the attention you give,
your  speaking  to  the other  person,  can  make the  other
person easily respond to this.

one last example:
you feel something for someone
upon getting acquainted, you notice that you are mainly
addressed by how someone thinks and views the world.
That this is what you love.

490

You always speak and attract something, by being attrac-
tive to what you need and feel and by openly coming out
of this. Without making tactical or well thought-out use
or abuse of it, you can get ahead. This applies not only
on a physical level, but also on an affective and relational
level. Much  of  this  is  learned  to  you,  or  given  in  your
upbringing, but you can always set your own accents.
That  attraction  can  often  be  increased  by  making  you
more  accessible. Whether  you are accessible and whe-
ther the other person wants access will be determined
to  a  great  extent  by  the  distance  you  create  between
reality and its presentation. It will be a matter of ensu-
ring  that  the  reality  that  you  propose  is  similar  or  very
similar to the reality that exists or that you exhibit. And
also ensure that the reality that is there or that you show
is very similar to the reality that you represent. The grea-
ter this distance now or later, the smaller the accessibi-
lity on both sides.

an example :
what you say and what you do
However attractive it may be to reflect something else or
to  do  something  other  than  agreed,  this  will  ultimately
have a negative effect on a relationship and the unders-
tanding, because they can activate feelings of being ex-
cluded,  used  or  abused,  and  can  lead  to  distrust. The
danger lies mainly in losing credit to the other, provoking
a defensive attitude and creating distance.

491

This fact can also clearly occur in conversation : say that
you listen, but show and feel no interest; say yes, but let
it feel as not doing so; say no, but can not hide that you
will go into it anyway; etc. In the end, the other person
learns to pay special attention to what you do and leave
to notice and that he has not to take into account what
you say.

Also your own image of yourself and which scheme
about yourself you activate in (conversation) interaction
with others, can make to find someone with a suitable
image and can activate others with connecting schemes
about themselves.

some examples :
Corresponding to have an image of itself of easy failure,
it can attract others who have experienced a similar ex-
perience.

If you, in contact with others, easily activate the scheme
not to defend yourself, this may attract the attention of
others who wish to take advantage of this and use a
schema of use.

In order to get to where you want in a conversation or
during an interaction and to avoid that the other obliges
you to do something that you yourself do not agree with,
it may be useful to pay attention to which schemes you
might inadvertently address in the other person. If you

492

end  up  in  an  embarrassing  or  threatening  situation  in
contact  with  an  other  person,  you  can  try  to  activate
other schemes in the other person that make him slow
down and bind in.

an example :
if you are very excited, this can also cause anxiety in the
other person.
If you want to de-energize the schema of excitement and
activate the relaxation schema, you may find it helpful to
activate the schema of being calm.

another example :
if you are experienced by the other as an agressor or thre-
atening,  can  this activate  the  schema defense or  coun-
terattack in him or her.
If you want to undo this, you can set yourself up as a vic-
tim  or  helpless  for  the  other  person,  then  the  schema
spare him or her and help someone can be activated. By,
for  example,  letting  the  you-tone  fall  into  conversation
that easily evokes self-defense and closedness from the
other person, it can replaced with the I-tone which evoke
understanding and openness of the other person.

another example :
no other choice
By  saying  in  a  calm,  convincing  manner  that  the  other
person will do something like this and not otherwise, and
not allow anything else from you to expect, point out and

493

that you really insist that this is so and you will not devi-
ate from it, this may cause the other person to leave the
schema  resistance  or  leave  their  own  planned  schema,
because it is perceived as meaningless or unusable and
the scheme following and cooperation will be activated,
even if reluctantly.

How to generate attention and care for yourself ?
In communication and interaction you can have the luck
that others know how to respond to you. They unders-
tand  you  well  and  can  share  your  opinions  and  mea-
nings. They  show  interest  in  you  and  feel  a  lot  for
you. They are spontaneously inclined, or willing to take
care of you on demand. Each of us hopefully has enough
contacts  that  will  make  you  feel  good  and  make  you
grow,  or  at  least create the  conditions  for  this. Yet  the
reality, for a long time or a this moment, can be different
and can be very conflictually charged.

To change this, one usually raises an increased appeal to
that environment. It is thought that it must be dealt with
vigorously from the feeling of being misunderstood and
neglected and consequently having the right or the obli-
gation  to  claim  its  rights. This  situation  in  which  one
threatens to feel victim easily arouses a lot of feelings of
tension in oneself that one does not always dare to im-
mediately express from fear of not being able to count
on  the  other  person.  In the  long  run,  if  such situations
take too often and too long, they can lead to a general

494

feeling  of  weakness  in  which  people  themselves  think
they  no  longer  have  the  right  to  attention  and  care,  in
view of not being worthwhile for others.  If one has yet
the  courage  to  recognize  his  feelings  of  tension,  then
they can get the content of anger or excitement about
the  other  person. Or  also  uncertainty  or  sadness  for
itself. One will then easily  feel that  the other person  is
failing to meet you. This can lead to reproaches and ac-
cusations that the other person thinks too much or only
to himself, does not listen to you and has nothing left for
you. If this has no result, it is easy to make demands and
commit  the  other  to  spend  more  time,  attention  and
care to you.

Such  an  accusatory  and  compelling  attitude  can  make
the other person feel very uncomfortable with this. He
or she is very unfree, does not seem to comply, clearly
falls short, is obliged to do something that he or she does
not want or does not like. He or she can also easily feel
misunderstood  and  neglected  and  possibly  the  vic-
tim. This leads to the other trying to win distance, shut-
ting himself down, the spontaneity that disappears, the
interest that is left out and only if he can not escape he
will do the most necessary. The result is that people start
to  feel  even  more  neglected. Own  needs  and  desires
that one had no longer come up for, not spontaneously,
but  also  not  forced. One  manages  no  longer  to  bridge
the gap between what lives and what one needs and the
environment that would like to respond to this.

495

Only when one discovers that one pushes the other away
from him by accusing, compelling, responsibleing, being
overwhelmed by feelings of tension and shutting himself
down, may one try to find a way out by omitting things
here or to change. By leaving its offensive and obligatory
approach and offering the security and freedom to come
closer. By experiencing yourself to be responsible, by al-
lowing the other person to reach you. By becoming quiet
and opening yourself, the other person may be led, even
if only out of curiosity, to know who you are and what
lives with you. In this way you can inform the other per-
son  about  your  feelings  and  show  what  you  need  and
what  your desires  are. This  way you open yourself and
give access to the other person. The other person who
can continue to feel good and feel free and can get op-
portunities and interest to pay attention to you and take
care  of  you. This  way  you  can  also  respond  better  to
yourself because it does not threaten to feel the victim
and  you  can  find  out  exactly  what  you  are  sensitive  to
and what you need. As a result, your need is reduced and
you become calmer and gain more self-confidence and
allow the other person to meet what you need less and
less because the other person wants to respond to this
before it becomes an emergency. This way you can also
show the other person what you are looking for by what
he  does  for  you  and  how  happy  and  grateful  you
are. This allows you to touch and touch each other.

496

Neither  the  other  person  nor  yourself  have  to  feel  un-
comfortable, unsafe or closed, alone and at a distance,
without trust in each other and without appreciation for
each  other. You  can  thus  try  to  create  an  atmosphere
and interaction in which you feel mutually easy and safe,
and feel connected, together and near, with trust in each
other,  so  that  you  can  open  yourself  to  each  other. So
that you can respond to each other's expressed feelings
and  your  needs  to  the  appreciation  of  each  other. But
even if the other person does not want to join immedia-
tely,  you  can  take  this  attitude  from  your  side,  so  that
you  can  generate  another  communication  and  contact
with others and yourself. For example, the attention and
care that you generated for yourself may also generate
another attention and care of the other person for him-
self. For example, sometimes two hurt or neglected be-
ings appear to come out with a great need for recogni-
tion and appreciation from each other. Something that
makes  you  no  longer  feel  attacked  or  excluded  and  so
that you like or are more prepared for the feelings and
needs of the other person you recognize in yourself. So
you find each other in an open embrace, where you pre-
viously drifted away from each other and walked away
from each other in a closed self.

How being infectious?
Some  people  in  our  environment  can  be  busy  with  so-
mething in such a way or can communicate something in
such a way that they work infectiously. They know how

497

to execute something, or to talk about something, that
they arouse our attention, interest and motivation and
we are addressed and ignited to possibly do something
similar or to interpret, or to inform us about this and be
interested.Their attention, their interest and their moti-
vation  and  enthusiasm work  infectiously  on  us, so  that
we  do  not  remain  unmoved.Through  their  model  and
their association and expression they know how to capti-
vate us and hold us, to orientate us and to stimulate us
in the direction they stand for. Especially feelings, moti-
vations and fantasies can  they transfer to others. Their
own  unrest,  aversion  and  frightening  presentation  can
alert others and stop them from doing something. Their
own excitement, euphoria and paradisiacal presentation
can  awaken  others  and  encourage  others  to  do
something similar.

Especially in situations where it is unclear how to tackle
something or how to react, others and what is going on
in them will be of influence to you. The other and his in-
ner compassion may be used as a guiding and model for
his  own  reaction  and  his  own  compassion. In  dealing
with others, it will be important that each with a positive
and balanced representation can come to each so that
each  one  can  respond  equally  well. Pointing  out  to
young people that they not only respond to others, but
that they also model others, can be helpful in experien-
cing themselves as less dependent on others and at the
same  time  feeling  more  involved  and  responsible  for

498

others.  Responsible in view of the unexpectedly unanti-
cipated influence they have on others.

Research  shows  that  the  chance  of  imitation  depends
partly on the visible success, on the appearance of the
model  and  the  possible  identification  with  it,  on  what
lives  with  the  possible  mimic  and what  it  expects  from
imitation, from the opportunities and the chance for this
behavior, how acceptable the possible mimic sees imita-
tion for himself and for his environment.

an example :
I volunteered to help with a project. This gives me a num-
ber of new experiences and a number of new contacts. It
broadens my horizon and I like to tell my friends about
it.
I  notice  their  curiosity  and  their  somewhat  teasing  jea-
lousy and indicate how they themselves could also parti-
cipate as volunteers.  One of them wants to come along
the next time and take a look if it is indeed so interesting.

another example :
you often hear: everyone is like that, thinks and does so
Respond  to  this  with  the  question:  'Is  everyone  like
that? Does everyone think so? Does everyone do that? "
This  easily  elicits  the  answer:  'no,  everyone  is  not  like
that, do not think so, do not do that.'

499

Then  the  curiosity  arises  about  who  is  not  and  who
is. This allows the uniform assessment of situations and
experiences  to  be  broken  through. It  is  no  longer  self-
evident. You are no longer the only one who is different,
thinks and does different.  Concretizing these others also
offers you the chance to find out and find others who are
relevant and sufficiently close to you who you could fol-
low  without  any  loss  of  face:  my  sister  or  brother,  my
boyfriend or girlfriend, ...

Young people often experience it as very difficult to say
something  that  does  not  immediately  arouse  the  ap-
proval or enthusiasm of other young people. Especially
being the first or taking the initiative for something or a
change seems a difficult job.  From mutual uncertainty
no one dares to stick out his head: the one not to come
up with something, the other not to agree to this.  Every-
one waits for and looks at the other and tries to play sa-
fely by staying with the old, not taking initiative, hiding
and  being  indecisive.    The  preference  for  the  tough  or
evasive to find hold and safety, then get all the opportu-
nities. Young people can, if they can not or dare not say
something not to be faint and docile, express it by tacitly
showing  it  in  their  mimicry  and  appearance. They  can
also  simply  do  something  or  have  them  done  without
words. The first time this will be surprising, the second
time  weird,  the  third  time  already  expected  and  the
fourth  time  it  seems  ordinary. By  not  having  to  speak
out, a safety on loss of sight can be built in, also for the

500

others who follow this model in silence. In this way so-
mething can be brought about that would otherwise en-
counter resistance due to the verbal group reaction.

an example :
if I am tired or when it is time, I would like to leave.
To have to say that  you want to go ahead and have to
give an explanation that is acceptable to young people,
seems an unattractive job, that, in own eyes, will cause a
lot of loose of sympathy.

Just  getting  up,  taking  your  coat  and  stuff  and  getting
away will of course attract the attention of others, who
might  ask  for  an  explanation  of  what  you  are  going  to
do. Confirming, not justifying what you do - such as 'I am
gone'  or  'I  am  going  away"  -  can  allow  you  to  express
what you want. Others may also be happy with your ini-
tiative  and  follow  your  example  without  many
words. This way you do not create the habit of having to
express, explain or justify everything you want to do. In
this way you can maintain your freedom in your actions
and you are not caught in a follow-up obligation. A few
times speechless doing what you want with appropriate
convinced  and  carefree  mimicry,  can  make  that  at  the
least sign of you to step out the others take this as factual
and not changeable and prefer to go along whit it or re-
lease you because it is now like that.

501

How do you load someone with energy?
Each of us has a number of latent possibilities and skills
that  can  be  expressed  in  behavior,  if  the  necessary
energy is available for this. Each person can provide the
necessary  energy  and  dynamics  from  his  experience,
thinking, proposals, feelings and desires. Others can do
that for him or her. Making someone warm and energe-
tic can be done in a very different way. It can be done in
an open manner, in accordance with what the other per-
son wants. It can be done in a little or not visible way for
what the other person may not want.

Each  knows  people  who  so  discourage  you  and  ask  so
much  energy  that  every  desire,  courage  and  power  is
lacking  to  do  anything. On  the  other  hand,  there  are
people  who  encourage  you  and  charge  you  so  with
energy that sense, courage and strength are made avai-
lable or made available to you so that you consider your-
self capable of doing so. They provide such a situation,
climate, relation and relationship that a lot of energy is
charged and also becomes available in yourself. This cre-
ates  a  kind  of  synergy  that  takes  you  further  than  you
would  only  achieve  alone. Forces  and  initiative  are  not
extinguished  or  weakened,  but  stimulated  and  streng-
thened, and interconnected.

The  positive  tension  that  this  creates,  means  that  you
perform better mentally, but also that greater self-con-

502

fidence  and  more  social  resilience  is  available. A  nega-
tive tension that reduces or blocks your mental possibi-
lities  and  restricts  or  undermines  your  self-confidence
and social resilience is avoided. The called optimal ten-
sion awakens the best forces and the strongest energy in
you, carried by an environment of well-being, safety, se-
curity and appreciation. In this way you also know how
to open yourself for the other person and to come to a
real cooperation. Not bothered by resistance and defen-
siveness,  but  activated  by  mobility  and  construc-
tiveness. The other puts the light on green for you and
then  confirms  you. You  have  the  feeling  that  you  are
busy with positive things and that you are growing accor-
dingly.

A danger arises when this happens in a way away from
reality and you thus come to a misguided act, no longer
critically tested by the other person. Others who do not
just follow you, often form a source that tests what you
want to undertake or undertake. They want to warn you
or  protect  you  from  carelessness  and  irrealism. They
then provide a buffer that have to protect you. This buf-
fer  can,  however,  have  a  paralyzing  effect,  that  every
energy is lost, rather than that energy is made available
for tested objectives.

Another  danger  arises  when  you  allow  yourself  from  a
small sense of self-esteem to follow an other person who
only  strives  for  self-interest. The  critical  assessment  by

503

yourself  then  falls  away  and  the  risk  then  exists  to  act
unthinkingly  from  an  inadequate  assessment  of  reality
and the other.

Ideally,  a  combination  of  discharging  non-okay  objecti-
ves  and  charging  okay  objectived  will  be  possible. This,
partly  through  the  actions  of  the  other  person  and  by
yourself on the basis of its meaning and tested value.

an example of extinction and charging:
someone likes to be pleasant and make fun in a group

The  other  person  thinks  this  is  faint  and  childish  and
makes little effort to pay attention to what someone says
to  be  funny,  and  because  of  critical  remarks,  the  fun
ends. Especially the person-oriented remarks extinguish
every effort to make fun.

or

The other person likes this and looks up at the liveliness
of those who started and makes an effort to let themsel-
ves be stimulated by the funny atmosphere. The critical
remarks stimulate those who started to intensify their ef-
forts, new elements are added and enthusiasm is respon-
ded to so much atmosphere. The person-oriented valua-
tion in particular is a confirmation and an immediate en-
couragement to continue.

505

The child
under pressure

Every child experiences pressure.

This pressure can be

greater or lesser.

This pressure can occur more or

less.

This pressure can last longer or be shorter in dura-

tion.

This pressure can come from outside, such as high

expectations among parents, little understanding, little
support.

This pressure can also come from within, such

as high expectations for themselves, unsatisfactory de-
sires, uncertainty, low self-esteem.

Children react to each other in their own way.

Some

can handle this well.

Or have learned this. Other chil-

dren may be less comfortable with this.

Some children

continue to function as before.

Other children quickly

become dysfunctional.

Some children remain in charge

Every child experiences pressure. Not only parents
experience pressure.

Pressure is a signal that requires attention from pa-
rent and child.

506

of the experienced pressure.

With other children, the

pressure takes over.

Meaningful people in the environment of the child can
decrease the pressure.

Children often rely on their en-

vironment in order not to increase the pressure.

Some

children can express their experienced feelings of ten-
sion and come up with it themselves.

Other children do

not know or have not learned to express their fee-
lings.

Sometimes there is no room for experiencing and

recognizing feelings.

Not even to express them. Child-

ren then gradually show or feel indirectly which feeling
of tension they have.

Neither for the child nor for the environment is it always
immediately clear what lies behind the body's expressi-
ons and signals and behind the behavior of the child.

Children and adults learning to look at these sentient ex-
pressions can give an entrance to the child's emotional
world.

In the past, due to the living conditions and child-rearing
practices, little attention has been paid to the feelings of
a child. The living conditions demanded not too great
sensibility, the functioning in and for the group was pa-
ramount, with one's own feelings being given less space
from group expectations.In parenting attention to fee-
lings was often linked to making the child hypersensitive

507

and vulnerable. The living conditions, the group and the
upbringing required a resilience with little room for per-
sonal feelings.

Today

there is more room for feelings. Feelings are re-

garded as sensors for the child: how the child feels about
something, whether the child wants to go through it or
what it chooses.

Feelings also form sensors for adults

about how the child is going: how the child feels about
something, whether the child wants to go through it or
what it chooses.

In  parenting,  much  attention  is  currently  being  paid  to
feelings and how to deal with them.   They form an es-
sential part in the experience of the child and in the fur-
ther  orientation.   They  also  form  an  essential  part  in
what to offer the child and continue to offer.

By giving space and attention to feelings, it can often be
avoided  that  they  grow  into  emotions.

The child can

then be offered the necessary support so that it can,
wants and dares to deal with a difficult situation.

By giving space and attention to feelings in order to re-
cognize and articulate them for themselves and the en-
vironment, it can prevented to only make them visible
and tangible to the environment and so often escape to
the child.

508

By giving space and attention to feelings, they can be un-
derstood and made easier and more controlled.   It can
allow the child to function closer to himself.

However,  it  can  regularly  be  established  that  a  child  is
under pressure, without being able to recognize the fee-
lings of tension and to talk about this with his surroun-
dings.

These feelings of tension can then be noticed in body ex-
pression or possible body complaints.   Often, however,
they are reflected in the child's behavior.   More specifi-
cally in the performance and behavior of the child.   No-
ticing these underlying tensions, however, requires spe-
cial attention.

The  failing  performance  behavior  and  disturbing  beha-
vior are easily interpreted as a shortcoming or unwilling-
ness of the child and much less as an impotence to deal
with the situation with its capabilities.

Tensions  arise when  the  carrying  capacity  of  the  child
(what it can handle or think it can handle, what it can be
or expects to be) hardly can handle the burden of carry-
ing (what the child has to perform or thinks to have to
perform,  what  the  child  must  be  or  thinks  to  be  able
to).   If the carrying capacity is too weak in relation to the
load, then overtension occurs with the child.   The child
can  not  comply  with  what  it  has  to  do,  or  must  be,  or

509

intends to do, or have to do, from what it can, or is, or
thinks to be, or must be.

This capacity or this feeling of carrying capacity and the
carrying load or the feeling of carrying load are someti-
mes  drowned  out  by  adults  by  taking it  over  from  the
child too quickly, too strongly and too repeatedly or by
intervening  for  the  child.   Adults  with  their  much
greater  carrying  capacity,  or  the  feeling  of  it.   Adults
who  name something  like  a smaller  load,  or  give it  the
feeling.

"I do not think that's difficult at all.   See, I have already
arranged it for you. "
"Don't you dare.   I'll ask in your place. "
"You don't have to get excited about that.   See how I do
it. "

As  a  parent  you  mean  well,  but  you  often  achieve  the
opposite effect: a weakened  autonomy, or feeling of it
and a weakened performance, or feeling of being unable
to cope.

Through  these  tangling  and  overprotective  interven-
tions, the child's trust is undermined.   In addition, it has
the  effect  of  preventing  the  child  to  confirm  its  ability
and of being able to self-confirm the child itself.   What
further undermines the self-esteem of the child.   And so
the stress for the child can still increase.

510

The child can respond to the current stress situation and
symptoms in four ways. These stress reactions are de-
termined on the one hand by the situation and the pos-
sibilities in it and on the other hand by the child and his
previous experiences or objectives.

From the observed behavior,

the underlying feelings

(anger, excitement, fear or dejected)

can

immediately

be deduced which reflect the ratio between the available
carrying capacity and the bearing load, reflect on what
or  who  is  or  is  not  counted  by  the  child  and  what  the
child want.

In this way, it can be derived from what the child needs
to  make his  stress  behavior  and  feelings  disap-
pear.   What can be done to the carrying capacity of the
child,  what  can  be  done  to  the  load  and  what  can  be
done to support from the outside.

For  example,  anger  can  seek  to  strengthen  the  child's
own  capabilities,  how  to  make  the  given  situation  less
difficult and how to offer help so that the child feels sup-
ported and empowered.

In this way you as a parent can try to reduce the pressure
on the child and, if possible, make it disappear.

511

Not  only  what  the  child  stands  for,  but  also  what  the
child gets or has to deal with can bring tension and pres-
sure  for  the  child.   These  stresses  can  also create  fee-
lings and reactions of tension. They then depend on the
distance  that  is  experienced  between  what  the  child
wanted or imagined and the perceived reality that does
not correspond with this.   They fit into the child's pro-
cessing process and must help the child to reconcile with
reality, also for the future or to adapt the reality for the
future, possibly with the help of adults, so that it fits bet-
ter in what one wanted or imagined.   For the time being,
for  example,  my  feelings  of  fear  still  say  something  to
keep away and not to go too fast.

This way the pressure of what is gone can be taken away
for the child and it can be armed against pressure that
could arise in the future.

512

Expressing anger :
'too little help, too difficult'
Irritable
Attacking
Unfriendly
Hostile
Non-cooperative
'I count on something or someone'
'More direct approach and want to
change something'

Expressing being dejected:
'no strength, no chance'
Helpless
Lifeless
Sad
Quiet
Passive
'I do not count on anything or any-
one'
'prefer to stop and quit'

Expressing fear:
'too little strength, too much

’

Uncertain
Anxious
Restrained
Worry
Withdrawing
'I do not count on myself'
'prefer to take some distance and
leave'

Expressing excitement:
'all hands on deck, very addressed'
Restless
Nervous
Overactive
Talkative
Impulsive
'I count on myself'
'prefer to do something, do not know
what'

513

External
and internal pressure

EXTERNAL PRESSURE
Children and young people are often confronted with ex-
ternal  pressure  in  their  life  situation. External  pressure
from people in their environment, or external pressure
from  a  situation  with  which  confronted. This  external
pressure  can  be  very  different  in  size  and  inten-
sity. Sometimes  there  are  few  sources  of  pressure,
sometimes a lot. Sometimes the pressure of a source is
small,  sometimes  very  pronounced. Especially  the  sum
and the duration or repetition of external pressure can
be very important for a child or young person and can be
very  oppressive. The  environment  and  the  cir-
cumstances with their pressure then come very close to

A child adds internal pressure to external pressure.

How to avoid the pressure from becoming too high?

514

the child.  There is little escape or distance from it.  If an
attempt is made to do this, extra pressure from the en-
vironment will easily occur to rectify this situation.

In concrete terms, external pressure can arise from ex-
pectations  or  demands  on  the  child  or  the  young  per-
son. Expectations or demands to do something, or not,
or not to do so. Expectations or demands of the adults
from the environment, but also of peers and groups of
which to be part. Not just what or how, or what or how
not, can pressure. Also when, to whom, why or to what
the child or the younger has to do something or not do
something can create pressure. If the expectations or re-
quirements  are  not  uniform,  extra  pressure  can  arise
due  to  the  opposition  present. So  if  one  adult  expects
something different from the other, or if adults expect
something different from peers. Or if the inner world of
the  child's  or  the  young  person

’s family expects some-

thing slightly different than the outside world in society.

External pressure can also arise from the reality and the
conditions in it. The reality and circumstances can be un-
favorable  and  cause  problems  or  extra  tasks. For
example,  the  reality  is  complex,  or  is  totally  new,  unk-
nown  or  different,  or  involves  crossing  large  distances,
within  a  very  short  time. Or,  for  example,  reality  is
unstable, is or works against.

515

The external pressure is responsible for the bearing load
with  which  the  child  or  the  young  person  is  confron-
ted. A lot will then depend on the capacity of the child or
the young person to deal with that load.

If the carrying capacity of the child is sufficient, there is
little risk that the child would suffer from external pres-
sure. However,  if  the  capacity  is  insufficient,  then  the
risk is high that the child will get into trouble.

If the carrying capacity is unstable, it can often be esta-
blished that the child creates internal pressure in addi-
tion to the external pressure it experiences. The way it
handles that external pressure creates internal pressure.

INTERNAL PRESSURE
The internal pressure can have to do with feelings that
are evoked in the situation. The child is afraid to be una-
ble to answer the expectations or demands of the envi-
ronment,  for  example. The  child  is  very  excited  about
the available means and time to do something.  The in-
ternal pressure can also be related to thoughts that arise
in the situation. The idea of being confronted with some-
thing unfamiliar, or the idea of standing alone. Internal
pressure is often also created by the idea that the child
or the young person forms of the situation. The idea of
failure,  the  representation  of  the  reaction  of  the  envi-
ronment, the representation of a repetition of what hap-
pened before or went wrong. Bad memories are linked

516

to  the  performance. Also,  additional  pressure  easily
arises  due  to  one's  own  expectations,  demands  or  de-
sires. What do you want from yourself and what do you
not  want  from  yourself?   What  do  you  need  or
need   too?   What do you miss or lose  when you don't
succeed ?   When do you meet your own expectations?

This internal pressure of the child or the younger person
can  be  minimal. However,  it  can  also  escalate  and  be
more maximum. This escalation can be a constant, or ra-
ther  an  exception. This  maximum  can  be  within  reaso-
nable limits, or can also be extreme.

For example, some children and young people easily ex-
perience an overpressure. This is because, in addition to
the external pressure that has been met, it also adds a
dose of internal pressure that, on the one hand, provides
additional load, but also undermines the available load
capacity. These children or young people feel insecure,
they think they can not handle something, they imagine
that  they  are  too  weak  or  too  inexperienced,  they  re-
member  similar  incidents,  they  expect  excessive things
from themselves.

517

DECREASE OF PRESSURE
In  order  to  decrease  the  pressure,  simultaneous  work
can be done on reducing the external pressure and the
internal pressure.

External pressure can be reduced for your child by miti-
gating  your  expectations  or  demands  as  an  adult.   For
example,  by  providing  more  time  or  expecting  things
step  by  step. External pressure can also  be reduced by
making the reality and the circumstances more favorable
or more accommodating for your child.

Internal pressure can be reduced as an adult for a child
or  a  young  person  by  adjusting  what  the  child  or  the
young person perceives, feels, thinks, remembers, pre-
sents  and  wants. Also  by  adjusting  what  the  child  or
young person in general perceives, feels, thinks, remem-
bers, presents and wants. To adjust it so that it becomes
more favorable, supportive and helpful and less unfavo-
rable, undermining and disturbing.

Concretely, this can by making the internal pressure less
central,  less  in  strength  and  effect,  less  close  and  not
automatically, not entirely and just to follow and not just
letting your experience and reaction be determined by
it.  So that the child or the young person does not simply
settle down in a situation and undergoes everything, or
does not just counterattack and offer resistance, or does

518

not just get away from it and just wants to forget every-
thing and leave it behind. Such reactions mean that the
child or the young person is guided by what creates in-
ternal pressure.

Especially  creating  less  self  pressure  for  yourself  as  a
child  or  young  person  can  be  helpful. This  is  possible
through tempering the mental processes of perception,
feeling,  thinking,  remembering,  proposing,  longing,  ex-
pecting. By tempering  the  results  of  these  mental  pro-
cesses  in  the  form  of  perceptions,  feelings,  thoughts,
memories,  ideas,  desires,  expectations. By  providing
more space and time for themselves in relation to what
to  experience,  giving  less  centrality  and  more  distance
for what to experience, and leaving more freedom and
choice for themselves.

Due  to  the  more  limited  intensity  of  processes,  results
and  following,  less  internal  pressure  is  created  for  the
here and now, the situation and circumstances, but also
for  the  whole  and  the  synthesis,  what  and  how  some-
thing or someone is.

This  lower  internal  activation  can  reduce  the  internal
pressure considerably, so that internal attention can also
be paid to the external pressure. For example, the child
or  the  young  person  can  show  for  themselves  which
change it would like to experience in external pressure,

519

so that it would have to deal less with additional internal
pressure.

For example, the child or the young person who is taught
in his thinking about a situation or event, not to involve
everything on himself, not to assume the worst, not to
have  the  responsibility  unchangeably,  outside  his  in-
fluence  in  the  environment,  and  not  to  perceive  and
name the situation in a distorted way.

EXTREME FORM PRESSURE
Especially  the  exaggerating  and  extreme  manner  of
one's own mental processes, its contents and its use and
influence,  create  overpressure,  so  that  sometimes  the
reaction of the child or the younger is also magnified and
extremely.   With  the  risk  that  the  resulting  pressure,
sometimes  goes  together  with  exaggerated  resistance
and resistance reactions.  The child or the younger per-
son does not believe in himself, he does not feel unders-
tood and feels overburdened, sees something as impos-
sible to do and wants to give up without further ado, or
gets  stuck  in  a  persistent  attempt  to  do  something  for
which  it  determines  for  itself  that  it  is  never  yet  com-
pletely perfect.

The  external  and  internal  pressure  then  is  responsable
for  this  overload,  resulting  in  over-demanding  of  itself,
often linked to an exaggerated commitment of itself. It

520

will then be important not to end up in this pressure-in-
creasing  spiral. The  dosing  of  existing  and  generated
pressure is crucial here.

This is often a difficult task for adults towards the child
or the youngster. After all, they are inclined when some-
thing is not easy, to put pressure on. This implies the risk
that  the  child  also  creates  more  pressure  inter-
nally. Pressure  that,  however,  is  not  always  favorable,
helpful and supportive, so that additional problems are
likely to arise. By paying attention as an adult to which
internal pressure the exerted external pressure creates
and taking into account its effect, its unfavorable effect
may be avoided.

Too often, however, it can be established as an adult that
a crisis situation arises due to external and internal pres-
sures.  A crisis that ensures that what follows is often dif-
ficult and problematic, and that also has less strength for
the bearing capacity for the future. As a result, the child
or the young person may expect a great deal from the
adult and will possibly only be able to contribute a mini-
mal.

For  example,  the  child  or  the  young  person  says  that
something  is  not  possible  and  it  will  never  be  pos-
sible. That it is not at all capable of learning such a thing
and will continue to make mistakes that make it fail com-
pletely.  The child or the young person indicates to hate

521

what to do and not to have any sense at all.  The child or
the  youngster  refuses  to  start  or  starts  tense  but  does
not  know  how  to  get  ahead  because  it  is  never  good
enough. The child is already very preoccupied with the
consequences and what it will experience if  it fail. Also
what it will think about itself in general.

Especially this extreme requires attention. Pay attention
to how this can be mitigated. Also pay attention to it as
an outsider not entirely to take over, but to help the child
or the youngster to gain strength and autonomy. By ac-
tually choosing a middle way earlier, external and inter-
nal pressure can be removed and the crisis can be over-
come.   By giving preference to a cautious, positive and
supportive approach, you can take into account the avai-
lable  sensitivity  and  there  is  less  chance  of  overreac-
tion. You  are  also  a  model  for  a  more  moderate  rela-
tionship with a situation and with itself. Moderate asso-
ciation that sometimes lacks in the child or young person
to himself, which sometimes wants something in an ex-
treme way, but is sometimes even an extreme self-des-
troying  self  when  they  do  not  know  how  to  live  up  to
it.   By not linking everything together extremely, things
can be reduced to their true proportion, which in itself
can also contribute to a decrease in pressure.

DRAWING PRESENT PRESSURE
Indicate which external pressure is present and indicate
to what extent:

523

Dealing with pres-
sure from your child

To clarify: Resistance or pressure?
As a parent, I can deal with something I want, but which
my child does not deal with. Then as a parent I can have
to deal with resistance or counter pressure of my child. If
you want to read more about how your child reacts to
pressure that you exert, you can go to the theme section
'Preventing resistance' of this encyclopedia.

As a parent, I can also deal with something my child
wants, but I do not want to go into it as a parent. Then I
have to deal with pressure from my child as a parent. In
this theme section 'Dealing with pressure from your

A child easily exerts pressure for what it wants or
does not want.

How to deal with this as a parent?

SWEET
MOM!

BAD
MOM!

526

As a parent, you feel intuitively not just to give like that
what your child wants, but at the same time you feel the
immediate  benefits  of  admitting.    Your  child  remains
sweet, or will be it again. In the long run, however, there
is a risk that the child will again and again be sweet and
not sweet to get his way and confronts you with an un-
pleasant situation if you do not comply. For example, a
child  may  exhibit  behavior  that  shows  signs  of  stal-
king. The  child  harasses  you  unsolicited,  it  penetrates
with  his  presence  in  an unpleasant  way  until  it  gets  its
way. It runs for your feet, attracts your attention in some
way, keeps you busy, for example, by its inertia, until you
commit and admit.

Just  at  a glance  :   Pressure can be activated  and  resis-
tance  or  back  pressure  can  be  activated.    Pressure  can
activate resistance or vice versa can  resistance activate
pressure. Pressure  will  not  always  activate  resistance,
which  is  often  the  intention  of  your  child  to  be  deacti-
vated  by  applying  pressure. Not  always  will  resistance
activate pressure, that is because your intention as a pa-
rent is to be deactivated by resisting pressure. So in sum-
mary, it will be important for you as a parent to exert a
resistance  such  that  it  deactivates  the  pressure  of  the
child, or even does not even activate it. Parents know, for
example,  that  a  child  can  whine  all  the  time  when,  for
example, Dad walks through the toy department of the
supermarket,  while  the  child  does not  give  a  kick when
Mama walks through that same ward. Or vice versa, or

527

with  grandma,  or  grandpa,  or  the  babysit. Pressure  is
then not activated or immediately deactivated at the first
reaction of the adult. Perhaps something else is also ac-
tivated,  for  example,  the  adult's  leadership. And  some-
thing else is deactivated, the needs, for example, of the
child.  It is therefore important what is active at a certain
moment, or in a certain situation and what is not. What
is active exerts influence.  What is not active has no in-
fluence.

Pressure as communication
Especially the toddler is not yet able to make clear what
it wants or does not want. It can not yet or not so well
use words to say what it wants or not. It then expresses
itself with its voice, with its face and posture, especially
with its behavior, what it wants or not. This can take the
form  of  weeping,  a  pouting  mouth,  running  away,  to  a
tantrum. The  child  turns  into  a  shelf,  stomps  with  his
feet, throws something or throws himself on the floor. It
offers  physical  resistance  to  being  not  followed. The
child  then  lets  feel  what  it  wants  or  does  not  want,  or
shows  it  with  his  mimicry,  attitude  and  gestures. The
better the language controls,  the more it lets you hear
what  it  wants  or  not. The  temper  tantrums  then  de-
crease in number, but can then turn into whining.

As a parent, you can then pay attention to the fact that
a child will easily say or ask something first, show some-
thing afterwards if the hearing does not work, and finally

528

make you feel when something does not work.  What it
comes down to, depends on the signal language that the
child  uses  to  someone. This  language  is  the  language
that the other person responds to. Some children expe-
rience  that,  for  example,  saying  something  to  a  parent
has no effect, the parent does not respond. Only when
the child begins to shout, follows 'Not shouting baby!'  as
a  reaction.    In  this  way,  the  child  discovers  and  learns
which signals - to make something heard, see or feel - to
use to get reaction. Many children then easily skip to say
or show something and choose resolutely for the beha-
vioral language, for example walking away. Here follows
'Staying at the table I had said!'   This way a child learns
a certain signal language from the parent by whether or
not he or she responds to certain signals. You can read
more  about  this  in  the  theme  section 'Signal  lan-
guage' of this encyclopedia.

The best thing you can do as a parent is when the child
lets you hear or notice what it wants or does not, is res-
pond to this. Not so much or always with following, but
with letting you hear or notice that you have taken care
of  what  your  child  wants  or  not,  followed  by  your
answer. "I hear you want an ice cream, but the answer is
no." The  shorter  the  answer  the  better  often. In  the
answer  you  activate  your  leadership. With  no,  you  ex-
press that you are in charge and that you do not give per-
mission. If your child nevertheless makes an attempt to
get his way by continuing to nag, you can repeat that you

529

clearly heard or noticed what your child wanted, and al-
ready clearly gave an answer. So it is clear to your child
that it was listened to and it is clear that you stay with
your answer once given. Whining can then no longer be
a signal to get his way, but to be listened to and get a
certain answer once.

If you can not avoid to give your child his way, make sure
that this happens at a moment when the child stops (for
a  moment)  from  whining,  drama  or  his  tantrum. This
way the link is made between being calm and something
positive. Do not say 'if you stop ..., you get or may ...'   In
this way you will really learn your child how to use pres-
sure  as  a  means  to  obtain  something. It  can  then

’T

T !

DON

’T

CRY

!!!

530

become  a  habit  to  use  this  signal  language  for  every-
thing, so that it can reward you for admitting. His signal
language is then nagging with possibly stopping as soon
as you react.

You can teach your child that the best signal language is
simply asking or saying something.  That you want to lis-
ten to that and that the chances are then the greatest
that you answer yes.  That whine, drama and tantrums
make  you  not  listen  and  by  definition  the  answer  then
will be no.

With your no answer you can briefly explain why it is not
allowed to 'do not eat before eating, because then your
appetite  passes  over.'   You  then  indicate  the  circum-
stances why or when something is not possible. For the
child,  however,  this  may  be  the  opportunity  to  change
the circumstances and thus try to obtain a yes. "I'm not
hungry  at  all  to  just  eat. I  only  had  breakfast  one  hour
ago. " For example, as a parent you  often have to look
for a meaningful or useful argumentation. You can then
make it clear to your child that your explanation was an
clarification,  but  no  legitimation  at  all  for  what  you
wanted. If not, you run the risk of ending up in an endless
argumentation, which usually ends in much displeasure,
on one or both sides.

531

Just at a glance :   With pressure, the child wants to make
clear and  convince  you of  what  it  wants. Because pres-
sure is an unpleasant means of depriving you of freedom,
you  can  make  it  clear  to  your  child  that  only  making
something clear without pressure has the chance to con-
vince you. The argumentation you give your child can at
most  be  an  explanation  of  the  choice  you  make  and  in
which  you  can  give  explanations  as  an  clarification. So
that your answer can be better understood and accepted
more easily.

Pressure, a signal for you
If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be a signal to
teach your child to get more effect without pressure, as
indicated above. It is possible that you generally instruct
your child too little and explain too little how you want
something.    This  way  you  can  indicate  in  time  exactly
what you want and what you do not. 'Do not walk' but
'step.'   "Don't you come with me?" but 'Come with us,
we are gone.'   Not in a questioning form, but preferably
in an affirmative form. In this way, you can also state in
concrete  terms  how  something  is  possible  and  what  is
not. By making it concrete, it becomes more feasible or
acceptable and you can prevent pressure. 'Not now' but
'after the meal'. Say not 'clean up' but 'put the puzzle in
the box'.

532

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be a signal
that you allow yourself to be rewarded for admitting, or
being punished or ignored for not giving in. As long as I
stay up late, I will be extra attentive and quiet. As soon
as I have to go to sleep, I pretend I can not or can not
walk, or I use extra pressure, or choose to be difficult and
slow. By staying on your point as soon as it is sleep time
you can prevent influence attempts, they have no effect
whatsoever. As a parent, you simply do not have room

YES

BE NICE

DON’T BE NAUGHTY

DON’T BE CHILDISH

MUST CLEAN UP

EAT EVERYTHING

DO NOT COME OUT
OF THE BED

TINE IS AT THE
TURN

PUT THE PUZZLE IN
THE BOX

533

for it. You can read more about this in the theme sec-
tion 'Who rewards, punishes, ignores ?' of this ency-
clopedia.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this may be a signal of
thinking of yourself, because you almost not or never ad-
mit, that you are not a good parent or not the parent you
want to be. You think that you deny your child too much,
or you think that you are being pushed into an unsympa-
thetic or negative role that you do not want to enter at
all. By thinking differently about yourself and looking at
yourself differently, you can feel more easily supported
for not giving in. For example, I offer more clarity, safety
and predictability as a parent. I can do better now and

SWEET
MOM!

BAD
MOM!

534

then be unsympathetic, to remain so positive and sym-
pathetic, than to continue to sympathize but to feel and
want  to  show  less  and  less  sympathy. Sometimes  you
first have to convince yourself of doing something before
you can reach your child.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be a signal
that  your  child  has  certain  needs  that  you  may  pass
by. Your child needs more friends to play with. Your child
wants nutritious food, but now and then something de-
licious. Your child wants to eat until his hunger is satis-
fied, but don't want to stay at the table until his plate is
completely finished.   Your child needs occasional atten-
tion,  without  having  to  force  it. Your child wants  to  be
nice, but then this must be easily achievable and possibly
successful.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, it can be a signal that
your child has to enforce everything, otherwise you will
not  get  moving  or  take  action,  you  will  not  cross  the
bridge. Let your child give you the choice, then you do
not react, only if you are left with no choice  from your
child, you will take action.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, it can be a signal that
you are very busy in the inhibiting atmosphere. You of-
ten say what you do not want from the child. As a parent
you can then try to become active in the stimulating at-
mosphere. You  repeatedly  say  what  you  want. For

535

example, not what are you not doing when you do that,
but what are you doing when you do that. You then be-
fore, for example, easily blamed your child for being op-
pressive.  But  you  can  also  admire  your  child  for  his
perseverance and commitment. 'I know you can do it, go
shopping  without  complaining. Can  you  show  this  to
your mom?   If you succeed, you get something tasty af-
terwards

.’ Or you can imagine something that your

child would like to go into. 'Can you dress up, then you
can play next door.'

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be a signal
that you are passing your child. You do not appeal to
your child for his understanding and cooperation for so-
mething. The child can not convince himself or persuade

milk

butter

bread

salad

536

himself to do something and then clashes not only with
your no, but also against himself, because it has not per-
suaded himself to abandon something.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be a signal
that your child has little control over himself. It does not
understand a number of negative answers from its envi-
ronment,  or  not  correctly. It  is  overwhelmed  with  fee-
lings that temporarily take over from him. These can also
be fears. It can not handle enough with unexpected si-
tuations. It  has  insufficient  self-confidence  and  confi-
dence in its environment and tests it out.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be related to
the  nature  of  your  child. The  one  child  is  easier  and
smoother to deal with than another child. The one child
adapts  to  a  new  situation  more  easily,  the  other  child
more difficult, yet another child needs more time.  Here
it can help to think back just how you were as a child.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be a signal
that  you  are  confronting  your  child  with  unexpected
things and situations. It assumed that it got something,
and  now  it  turns  out  differently. Normally  it  does  not
have to eat his plate, suddenly this has to be done. It is
not clear when it has to go to bed, and suddenly it has to
go to bed now. Something was activated in the child, and
must  now  suddenly  be  deactivated. Or  something  was
not activated at all, and suddenly it has to be done. That

537

something is changing can not always be prevented, it is
important to prepare the child in time for this change.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be a signal to
expect too much from your child.  You expect too quickly
that it will eat completely independently, dress, clean or
clean up. Your child will then show that it is not able to
do this on its own and is whining for your help, or that
you would do it in his place.  You may notice that your
child is no longer open to your expectation at all. It closes
his  eyes  or  starts to  scream,  so  that  you  are  no  longer
intelligible. It is at such a moment more important to pay
attention to how the child feels, than to whether or not
the child is able to respond to your expectation.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, then it may already
have given other signals in advance to want something
or  not. The child  wants  to leave the table at a party. It
already showed that sitting at the table really took a long
time.  Now it throws itself on the floor, really time for the
long promised and expected playground.  The child has
been  sitting  on  the  lap  for  a  long  time.    His  nagging  is
really the signal for what its restlessness was about, na-
mely to be tired.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be a signal for
something  else. The  child  is  tired,  is  getting  sick,  is
hungry,  is  confused  because  of  the  new  environment,

538

the  environment  is  too  busy,  there  are  too  many
unknown people, it is bored, and more.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, it can express his po-
werlessness. Something does not work, no matter how
hard it tried. By throwing the toy on the floor, it makes
clear that it can never succeed.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be a signal
that  the  situation  is  too  oppressive.    Always  having  to
share everything with your younger brother at the game
can become too much for your child, so it starts yelling
and hitting.  Putting your child out of the situation for a
moment, can make that what triggered the pressure is
removed.

If your child has a lot of pressure, this can be a signal to
talk to your child about it. About the fact that the child
sometimes  has  difficulty  with  something. That  you  can
also have difficulties with this as a parent. How can it be
otherwise  ?   What  your  child  could  try  and  what  you
could  do  ?   You can also come back to an event after-
wards. What feelings you noticed in your child, what fee-
lings were also brought to you ? What did you struggle
with  as  a  child  and  yourself  as  a  parent  ?   Like,  for
example, the classic incident in the supermarket where
your child took something and you admitted to avoid a
public scene. You can then return to this in the car after-
wards. You  can  indicate  what  it  took  and  to  give  it

539

back. Indicate how you would like this in the future and
how your child can contribute to this. This way you can
indicate at a receptive moment exactly what it could not
do. As clearly indicate not to bang with its head. Or that
hitting can not at all.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be a signal
that a child has a lot to lose. You do not like your child
anymore, even if you do not mean this. Your child suffers
a  lot  of  loss  of  face  towards  peers,  for  example,  when
you make your child a comment in the presence of them.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be a signal to
meet a lot of pressure as a child.  Without you noticing
it,  the  child  imitates  the  pressure  that  you  exert
yourself. Sometimes  you  only  rest  shouting,  but  your
child can easily imitate this. By saying something quietly,
you may also be able to calm your child.  Sometimes you
fear wrongly not having to say it anymore. Each child ex-
periences the need for guidance from others. The child
does  not  want  to  challenge  this  leadership  at  all.   It  is
only that the child experiences leadership, without expe-
riencing yourself the necessity of constantly being pro-
ven. As a parent you can start from strength, rather than
to seize the strength to get something. In this way you
can do something from your strength to your child, ra-
ther  than  with  strength. Research  shows  that  children
who  show  a  lot  of  compulsory  behavior  have  parents
who make frequent use of proven strength. Parents then

540

experience that you can only move your child to some-
thing if you force it to do so.

If your child uses a lot of pressure, this can be a signal
that it needs understanding and support to be reconciled
with no. By believing yourself that your child can let go
or come over something, you can try to distract it for a
moment,  or  just  hold  it,  or  cuddle  it.    Sometimes,
however, the child wants to be left alone for a while and
you can help to take a step back and let it be for a while
to  express  its  anger  or  disappointment,  without  being
disrespectful about your child and its reaction.

Just at a glance :   Pressure is not a desirable signal be-
cause  it  is  uncomfortable  for  you  and  it  makes  you  go
against it. Also because it offers your child few opportu-
nities not only towards you as a parent, but even more
towards  the  outside  world  and  later. Yet  you  and  your
child can learn a lot from it. The message as content and
core is often telling much and meaningful, the packaging
and form can be avoided and prevented.

Actually applied
What pressure tool(s) does your child use easily?
How do you easily respond to this?
Do  you  see  a  connection  between  the  pressure  of  your
child and your reaction?
What do you think you can do to prevent the pressure of
your child?

541

For a favorable
dynamic

Favorable and unfavorable dynamics

As  a  parent  you  sometimes  experience  problems  with
the behavior of your child. As a parent you want to bring
about  change  in  this  behavior. The  efforts  you  do  as  a
parent for this, often prove to be without result. You did
your best, however. You may find your child ungrateful,
or unwilling, or it is just so. You do not understand what
prevents your child from doing as you wish. You will find
yourself  clear. Sometimes  you  think  you  have  to  insist
more. However, and sometimes even more, you notice
that your child is persevering.

An unfavorable dynamic can really get in the way of
your child.

A favorable dynamic can help your child on his way.

542

In this case it can be good to look at the dynamics in your
child's behavior. However, this dynamic is not always vi-
sible.   Sometimes  even  not  easily  understood,  even  if
you ask questions about this dynamic. Your child can not
always help you. You can always try it. Just ask why your
child fails to take into account what you say or expect.

Imagine that your child's unresponsiveness may have to
do  with  its  fear  that  if  it  would  try  to  do  what  you  ex-
pected  it reacted  wrongly  and that  you  would  be  even
more disappointed in your child and also show it expres-
sively. Doing nothing seems the safest choice. That it just
so can not do anything wrong. But that's how you stay
without a reaction. You can see in this outlined situation
that the fear is negative dynamic that prevent the child
from  responding  to  your  question  or  demand. You  can
also see in this behavior that the search for safety is the
positive dynamic that encourages your child to not res-
pond.

As long as the two dynamics - fear and safety - play with
the child, the child will do little or nothing to change its
reaction from nothing. If you want to persuade the child
to follow you, it may be useful to give him or her a dyna-
mic to do this. Just think for yourself what might help:

543

How to translate change-oriented?
What  dynamics  would  you  feel  your  child  can  bring  to
other behavior?   Imagine yourself instead of your child:
you are afraid and you are looking for safety.
Being afraid is a feeling, look for a different feeling that
can affect his or her behavior more favorably:
Searching for safety is a need, find a different need which
can  affect  your  child's  behavior  more  favorably  :
Did  you  find  a  suitable  dynamic  ?   Try  it  out  from  the
idea that you would be the child.

You  may  feel  self-assurance  or  a  feeling  of  self-confi-
dence that you know how to respond to what your pa-
rents  expect  from  you  and  that  if  it  did  go  wrong  you
would have enough resilience from your self-confidence
to be able to handle this. This was the feeling.

As need you might find proximity to your surroundings
and not have just to play safely by keeping a distance and
shielding yourself by crawling into your shell. If searching
from your vicinity would still go wrong, you could easily
get to a conversation and let hear what you meant and
what you still try to take into account for what you were
asked.

Try it out. Looking from the child's point of view:
Your parents ask you something. You have a dose of self-
assurance  and  you  have  sufficient  self-confidence. You
want to be close to your parents. You are not afraid to

544

respond  and  you  know  that  your  parents  are  there  for
you. They can count on you as you can count on them.
You are certain that if you do not answer their question
they will not reject you, you do not have to be afraid of
that. You are sure that you are a valuable person. They
let you feel this, even if they do not agree that you do
not accept their request. They continue to focus on their
expectation and not on your person. They do not threa-
ten  you  and  prefer  not  to  seize  escalation  and  a  more
powerful and more personal attack. They try to measure
good  dynamics. How  they  can  get  you. Not  with  pro-
mises of all kinds. But to speak to you and to believe in
your  strength  to  meet  their  demand. They try to avoid
getting stuck in a negative dynamic that ultimately leads
to resistance and isolation.

A  visual  illustration of  trying  to

understand underlying

motivations for behavior

as helpful for children with au-

tism.

Dynamic targets

Immediately two dynamic points of application are pos-
sible :
1. These of taking away or reducing the unfavorable dy-
namics :
An uneasy dynamic blocks the desired behavior and does
not allow the child to make this behavior. This is because
there is a dynamic for the opposite behavior or for no
behavior at all.

545

In  the  actions  of  the  parents  this  unfavorable  dynamic
can  be  given. Often  you  think  as  a  parent  to  reinforce
your own performance if you have no or a reverse res-
ponse from your child. Without noticing, this entails the
risk  of  giving  even  more  unfavorable  dynamics. The
child's resistance may become even greater. Or the child
pulls himself back even more to limit the damage.

2. These of imparting or increasing the favorable dyna-
mics :
A favorable dynamic stimulates the desired behavior and
allows the child to set the desired behavior. It provides a
dynamic for this behavior and makes the behavior come
into being.

In  other  words,  it  is  important  to  change  your  perfor-
mance so that the unfavorable dynamics stay away and
there is room for a more favorable dynamic and there-
fore a different behavior that fits your wishes more.

How  to  translate  into  concrete  action  and  guidance-
oriented ?
Some cases:
Your child weeps through at a stretch because something
has broken  down. The dynamic  of his weeping is  in  the
experienced  loss. If  something  broken  could  be  undone
immediately, the crying would stop immediately. Think of
a  child  who  lost  something  and  found  it  back  sud-
denly. As  a  parent,  however,  you  do  not  wish  to  undo

546

every loss. You want to instill your child's dynamics for a
more caring and cautious approach, then the loss would
not occur. You also think it is good that your child learns
how to deal with loss and the reality that always involves
a certain loss.  You want to instill your child's dynamics
for a more careful handling and for a more resilient be-
havior.

Your  child  is  very  excited  because  it  feels  to  have  been
treated  unjust.   It  was  not  allowed  anymore  to  partici-
pate in playing with other children. As long as your child
is left with this feeling of unjust, it will be difficult to calm
down. When it can be explained to the child that it has
already been so often in turn and now other children also
want to get a chance, the child can experience justice to-
wards him.  This can calm the child and bring it back to
itself. As  soon  as  the  child  can  feel  that  he  has  been
treated fairly justly, it can be established that the child is
calming down. It is then clear to the child that it is later
again at its turn.

Your child is very listless. It does not believe it can do any-
thing. This  disbelief  in  its  own  possibilities  prevents  the
child from trying something out and, if possible, gaining
positive experience. Attempts can then be made to teach
the child that it can only know whether it can or can not
do something by trying it and by giving it a chance. And
it  is  at  least  not  itself  responsible  for  its  failure. For  its

547

part, it has done everything possible. If it fails, it is not
due to its dynamics or lack of it.

3.

Internal and external dynamics

In addition to influencing the internal dynamics, you can
also work on external dynamics. In this way, apart from
the  removal  of  unfavorable  internal  dynamics  and  the
addition of an internal favorable dynamic, you can also
try to remove a potentially unfavorable external dynamic
and thus add a favorable external dynamic.

Let's see how this works out :
Thus, for example, a child can not only be frightened by
bad thoughts (there is no one around to help me), but
you can also frighten the child by evoking all sorts of na-
sty ideas through the stories that you tell your child, pos-
sibly  from  your  own  fear  and  insecurity. You  can  help
your child instead to invoke safe feelings in itself by de-
veloping trustworthy thoughts (there is always someone
around to whom I can fall back and whom I can find or
look for) and you can help your child by contributing to
a safe and trusted environment, supported by a relaxed
feeling and interaction with you as a parent.

In a discussion with your child, it is easily inclined to res-
pond with force, and you can easily be inclined to resist
this. The discussion then escalates easily and your child
then  turns  out  to  refuse  what  you  want. You  can  then

548

notice  an  unfavorable  internal  dynamic  with  your child
and an unfavorable external dynamic from you to your
child. If  you  can  remove  this  dynamism  'with  strength'
from  both  sides  and  replace  it  with  a  dynamic  'from
strength', then your child may be moved to a rapproche-
ment. Your  child  can  then,  from  his  strength,  have  the
courage to stay calm and reasonable and consider how
far it can meet you. It can then easily meet your faith and
confidence  in  a  favorable  way  out  of  your  power. This
can  make  your child  feel  less  easily  attacked  and  meet
your optimism and feel approached to meet you a cer-
tain end.

A  child  can  sometimes  easily  and  quickly  get  angry  at
other  children  from  its  immediate  environment  due  to
difficult circumstances. As an adult you can be very busy
and  angry  about  your  child  because  it  is  so  little  tole-
rant. Other children may be tempted to leave the short-
tempered child aside. This can increase the child's anger
as  well  as  the  anger  of  you  as  an  adult. The  risk  then
exists  that  the  unfavorable  internal  and  external  dyna-
mics make it very difficult for the child and gradually iso-
late it further, because it ended up in a negative spiral. It
is then possible to talk to the child and to make it clear
to appeal self its calm and friendly side in itself and how
to  do  this. The  child  can  then  be  explained  to  find  so
easier the way back to its playing friends. By looking fur-
ther  than  the  temporary  problems  with  the  child  from

550

Eating problems
of children

If it goes smoothly
The  first  year  of  life  the  child  has  a  great  nutritional
need. The  child  grows  quickly  and  increases  greatly  in
weight and height. Best in the first months of life you can
lay a foundation for a safe feeling around nutrition. You
can not only pay attention to food schemas, but also to
the needs of the child.

From 6 months on, liquids will no longer suffice. That is
why  you  can  start  with  solid  food  between  4  and  6
months. This takes getting used for the child, as getting
used  to  solid  food,  to  new  tastes,  to  being  fed  with  a
spoon, to the drinking cup. In general, feeding is easier
from 6 months. Especially if the child is hungry, you can
register that it is less picky.

The feeding of your child does not always go
smoothly.

Where can you think about and how to react as a pa-
rent?

551

From one year on the child can eat together with lunch.

The eating behavior is influenced during that period by
the  taste  that  is  beginning  to  develop,  creating  a  taste
preference. Also wanting to eat more independently has
an influence on his eating behavior, such as what it does
eat and how much.

From the second year of life, the growth rate decreases
sharply. This results in a decrease in the appetite of the
child. This  therefore  does  not  have  to  cause  anxiety
among parents.

In the toddler phase, the basis is generally laid for nutri-
tional and eating habits.  The child is very dependent on
what their parents offer and what they do. The child is
greatly influenced by their eating and eating habits.

It goes not always smoothly
There  is  not  always  a  problem-free  development  and
food  problems  can  occur. For  example,  your  child  may
eat too little or too much, do not eat what you are aiming
for and is picky, especially eating what is not healthy or
nutritious, and have a penchant for sweets and snacks in
between, can not or do not want to sit at the table. Ea-
ting too slowly is often accompanied by a lot of whining,
doing something contrary, and playing with food, such as
overturning his cup or eating food with his hands.

552

You  can  especially  look  at  the  child  and  try  to  find  out
what  its  eating  behavior  is  a  sign  of.    For  example,  the
underlying reason for eating problems may be that your
child is not hungry, or is very tense: it is too busy, anxi-
ous, insecure about something, has a frightened expec-
tation,  experiences  the  pressure  created  around  ea-
ting. Your child may be ill or show the first signs of pain
or  discomfort  :  teeth  are  coming  through,  intestinal
cramps,  a  cold,  it  is  just  tired.   Possibly  your  child  also
looks  for  attention  or  wants  to  say  something  with  his
eating behavior. Also drastic changes such as a new en-
vironment and other people can temporarily disrupt the
appetite of the child.  Before you think of anything else,
it is good to exclude a possible physical cause. This way
you  can  also  bring  the  food  time  forward  if  you  notice
that your child shows signs of fatigue during the meal.

To overcome these eating problems, it is best to avoid a
power struggle or fight with your child. It is better not to
force, this may elude dislike and resistance, it may also
be  counter-productive. So  you  better  not  express
threats, such as no dessert or  extra if your plate is not
empty. You may prefer to let ask for more than to offer
too much.  This way you avoid an unhealthy relationship
with food.

Better you can use spontaneity, self-evidence, encoura-
gement,  stimulation,  prizes  for  every  step. In  this  way
you  prevent  awakening  negativity  or  weakness. Better

553

also  avoid  subassertive  reactions  as  whining  and  con-
stantly  talking  about  it,  without  believing  that  it
helps. Sometimes  you  notice  that  your  child  does  eat
well  with  someone  else. This  may be because your  ap-
proach easily generates resistance, it provokes a certain
eating behavior pattern. Or your approach allows resis-
tance. If necessary, you can gain inspiration from whoe-
ver succeeds.

Atuning to your child
Better you can see the eating assignment in relation to
the child and his needs: such as choosing smaller quan-
tities, and avoiding breakers.

Instead  of  a  few  large  meals,  you  can  opt  for  multiple
small  meals  spread  over  the  day.   For  example,  three
meals a day is a habit rather than a necessity. A child can
quickly feel satiated or the feeling of satiety can be ab-
sent  as  a  result  of  not  paying  attention  to  smell  and
taste. The child may have been confronted with this pre-
maturely and has not learned to pay attention to smell,
taste and satiety.

With small meals you can not provide more than 2 to 3
hours between two feeding moments, this can be obtai-
ned  by  snacks,  without  having  to  eat  outside  these
meals. Not  the amount per meal is  important, you can
better  monitor  the  amount  per  day. So  you  can  keep

554

track  of  whether  your  child  receives  the  necessary  nu-
trients. If your child looks good, grows sufficiently and is
lively, it will in principle receive sufficient nutrition.

The  question  can  be  asked  what  is  good  or  sufficient
food. This  depends  on  the  nutritional  needs  of  your
child's  body  and  his  eating  needs. Is  it,  for  example,  in
growth or very active? The nutritional need can vary ac-
cording  to  the  growth  periods,  but  also  from  day  to
day. As a parent, it is important not to extinguish the sig-
nals of your child's needs, including hunger and thirst, for
example by ignoring them. After all, the hunger and fee-
ling  of  satiety  determine  the  eating  behavior  of  your
child.

Make food into something familiar
Fixed  and  regular  eating  times  are  preferred.  Eating  ti-
mes that you indicate at time so that your child can tune
in on time. It is preferable to provide sufficient food time
in a suitable environment. Best you can try to have the
meals in a relaxed and pleasant atmosphere. If it can  as
a jointly situation. By eating with you, you are also a mo-
del as a parent. Here you can pay attention to your reac-
tion for what you do not like and the meaning of this for
your  child.  Leaving  the  food  entirely  to  your  child  will
usually  not  work,  but  you  can  take  your  child  into  ac-
count.  Also  exaggerated  eating  games  can  be  better
avoided, at most occasionally, such as a spoon for this or
that, etcetera.

555

Sufficiently  varied  meals  are  preferable. This  way  your
child can  learn  to  eat  everything  without  having to  eat
all. Learning can be done in steps and in combination, a
bite  of  something  to  taste,  so  it  can  get  used  to  the
taste.  If  necessary,  you  can  prepare  the  food  diffe-
rently. Or  you  can  search  for  healthy  alternatives  for
what your child does not like.

If  necessary,  you  can  clear  the  table  so  everyone  has
eaten even though the child has little taken inside. Clea-
ring without comment, neither negative nor positive. So
you avoid a downward spiral. Do not pay any attention
to your child. After a certain amount of time, make sure
to remove the plate without any conditions, if the child
does not eat.

What can actually help
You can give your child attention if it eats properly. You
can also actively involve your child, such as boarding its
own plate, or preparing its own sandwich.

Toddlers who want to eat independently can you give a
practice option. This way the child will quickly spill and
fail less.  You can emphasize what goes well. Rather than
focusing on his inertia or what goes wrong. A child often
has a hard time talking to it contiously and remembering
what is and what is not.

556

Do not give your child too often and too many snacks, if
little  appetite. Do  not  offer  a  substitute  for  not  eating:
cookies, sweets, drinks. If possible give a healthy  snack
as an alternative : fruit, fruit juice, cheese. Cookies and
sweets  at  the  most  immediately  after  the  meal. No
snacks just before the meal.

Avoidance of one-sided diet, in which the child only eats
what it really likes, and the child takes the lead in eating,
instead of the child being guided. Better you can let your
child  choose  between  two  equivalent  foods. For
example,  it  can  be  noted  that  skimmed  products  slow
down appetite less.

Small snacks and good chewing can help so that satiety
can occur in time. A healthy drink also helps to feel satia-
ted. This especially for children who have a tendency to
eat too much.

You can make a distinction for yourself between caring
attention  and  problematic  attention. This  way  you  can
invite  your  child  and,  if  necessary,  stimulate  it  wi-
thout forcing,  controling  or  obliging it. You  can  pay  at-
tention to your statements, such as starving, becoming
ill, disappointing if not eating. You can avoid to culpabi-
lize your child and making it anxious. You can also avoid
showing  your  concern  too  clearly. It  is  best  to  assume
that your child wants to eat, and not to question eating.

557

Do not too quickly activate one of the following interpre-
tation  schemes  :  again,  always,  every  time,  only  you,
constantly, can it be different, lasting. Or to activate such
a pattern beforehand.

If there is no clear reason for not eating, focus not too
much  attention  on  not  eating. Better  let  that  problem
pass. Still, follow whether the child eats enough and, in
particular, drinks enough.

In  case  of  problems  you  can  try  to  visualize  your  influ-
ence on your child's eating behavior. When do you inter-
vene, such as with stress, anxiety, no reaction, unwanted
reaction. What do you think about eating behavior and
desired eating behavior, such as how much food, pace of
eating, independency of eating, eating everything. How
do you try to influence eating behavior, such as removing
tension, excitement, fear, or just the opposite. And what
can you do or could you change so desirably in this.

It is not always a good idea to compare your child's ea-
ting behavior with the eating habits of other children.

Very  special  can  be  the  situation  of  premature  babies,
seriously ill newborns and children with severe birth de-
fects. Their early eating experiences can be linked to un-
pleasant situations such as intensive medical care. Parti-

558

cular  attention  should  be  paid  to  food  refusal  or  resis-
tance  as  a  result  of  all  unpleasant  experiences  in  the
mouth area, and the possible lack of hunger.

Every child is just different: the growth rate is different,
the learning experiences are different, the history is dif-
ferent,  the  situation  is  different. In  addition  to  what  is
generally desirable, you can pay special attention to the
needs of your child and adjust your feeding behavior ac-
cordingly. This way the eating behavior of your child and
your feeding behavior for your child are better aligned.

Your ideas about nutrition ... and the reality of your child
Find out which of your ideas about nutrition do not match
the reality of your child:
Find out what you can do about these ideas to bring them
more in line with your child:
Consider what to do to your child's eating habits to bring
it more in line with your ideas about nutrition:

559

Referential
guidance

A brief overview of the referential thinking and working
model and some concrete practical illustrations of refe-
rential assistance and guidance

The theory

Care workers and training workers have the tendency to
ask  someone  with  a  disturbed  relationship  with  his  or
her environment questions such as these: why did it hap-
pen  that  you  feel  or  do  so? Or  why  do  you  feel  or
do  so? Or what does that person feel or do? Or what do

Something that is going to turn around something
gets attention,

so that something more favorable can happen:
what about?

560

you  feel  and  do? Behind  these  questions  are  different
explanatory  and  assistance  models.   By  what, refers  to
behaviorism and psychoanalysis. Why, refers to psycho-
analysis and client-oriented assistance. For what, refers
to  system  thinking. Finally, what  for, refers  to  the con-
textual thinking model.

However, one question has remained : what is your fee-
ling and doing about ? Where the first question had to
do  with  the  situation  by  which,  the  second  with  the
needs  why,  the  third  with  the  influence  to  which,  the
fourth with the right for which, has the remaining ques-
tion to do with  to what you came and hold on to your
way. Name it where around or whereto around. Where
it revolves around to where.

Behavior often has something very personal and is some-
times difficult to influence directly and immediately, as if
someone is following an invisible line somewhere, as if
from an arrow or a direction indicator. Earlier outside in-
fluences, such as encouragement and discouragement,
may explain the nature of the behavior, but not so much
the endpoint. On the other hand, needs, influence and
right can determine the start and ending points, but less
the way. If both the way and direction are to be mapped
out, then it seems necessary to pay attention to both the
road and the final goal to which.

561

The  referential  model  described  here  offers  room  for
this. This model indicates what we refer to in our beha-
vior,  both  in  terms  of  both  object  and  road,  so  that  it
does not come across randomly, but rather inwardly. In
English they talk of 'revolve around', which in the scien-
tific literature stands for as having something or some-
one  as  the  most  central  or  most  important  interest  or
subject; or  also  having  something  as  a  very  important
part or goal; or also being connected with or related to
something.

The model can be situated in the extension of the con-
textual  model,  in  the  sense  that  where  the  contextual
model focuses primarily on values and norms, doing jus-
tice, in this model there is attention for ideas and convic-
tions at a more abstract level, as more comes to the fore
in a social constructionist or cognitive constructivist mo-
del. In view of the fact that ideas are content-free, in the
sense of being able to have any content, the content can
relate  to  something  very  abstract-ideal,  but  of  course
also  to  something  very  concrete-real. This  offers  this
model  the  opportunity  to  pay  attention  to  the  various
existing models and to integrate these into its own wor-
king model.  The term reference refers here fully to being
able  to  refer  to  reality  very  pragmatically,  but  also  to
convictions very principled, and of course to everything
that  can  be  interpreted,  such  as  needs,  interests  and
rights.

562

The links to the cultural, the cognitive and the virtual are
immediately indicated. Where cultural something is pre-
sent collectively, the cognitive presents something per-
sonal,  while  the  virtual  presents  something  potential.
Three  elements  to  which  a  lot  of  attention  goes  in  the
referential model, for the orienting, guiding and limiting
share they have in someone's behavior and in someone's
interaction. Like, for example, making something availa-
ble so that it can be realized and it can be sorted out how
to reach it.   Concepts such as 'in the sign of' or 'in func-
tion of' approach this somewhat.   For example, for Jan
Rosier of the University of Louvain, the family is a school
for togetherness, solidarity, friendship and justice, which
is at risk of being lost.

As a central concept that interconnects one and another,
the cognitive scheme is used. A cognitive scheme sum-
marizes a person's personal knowledge and experience
in a given domain as an organized presentation.  This re-
presentation relates to what of this domain, to the how
of it and to the where, when, to whom, why or for what
purpose. The  cognitive  scheme  is  divided  into  three
parts : the filling of the concept or what that applies to
someone, the behavioral filling or how that applies to so-
meone and the contextual filling or the where, when, to
whom, why or what that applies to someone.

563

This is in line with the recent notion 'situated cognition'
(situated  cognition)  of  Lave  and  Wegner  in  which  lear-
ning is also linked to an activity and situation or context
and  not  separate  from  it. This  immediately means  that
this activity and situation promote learning.   In this way
all  knowledge  is  also  'know-how'  and  situated  know-
ledge, which interation and context - social and cultural
- are part of it.

A person's schema filling takes place in imitation of mea-
ningful others, himself and/or an objective. This creates
a very individual psychological  filling with its own mea-
ning and design, which personally colors a person's be-
havior. Someone immediately becomes an active parti-
cipant in the construction and possible reconstruction of
his own reality and indirectly of the social reality.  And
secondly, in the orientation, direction and limitation of
own and group behavior.

Schemes can be very limited or very comprehensive. To
relate to rather impersonal things, but also to one's own
life. Behaviorally they have an orienting, guiding and li-
miting function.

The  engagement  or  activation  of  schemes  is  usually
bound  on  the  one  hand  with  objectives,  on  the  other
hand  with  situations  and  persons.    The  interplay  bet-
ween the situation, the person and the objective can be

564

displayed in a schema, so that the behavior is given con-
tent and form. The activating elements can be very spe-
cific, or more general.

By working on one's schemes or by working on the use
of schemes, one can try to get the disturbed relationship
of  someone  with  his  environment  smooth. In  the  wor-
king model there is therefore a lot of attention for exis-
ting processes of schema set-up and use. The wakened
activation, the self-selected activation, the triggered ac-
tivation and the external and internal extinguishing de-
activation are dealed with.

But also a whole series of other underlying processes are
described that can be referred to in behavior and inter-
action and can be worked on. As referring to solutions,
to processes, to knowing-how, to influence, to what so-
meone  wants,  to  the  future,  to  the  strong  side,  to  the
confident  part,  to  the  positive  side,  to  personal  life,  to
origin, to emotionality, to wordings, to stories, to synthe-
ses, to second order, to connections, to embedding, to
speaking, to what is useful rather than to problems, to
symptoms,  to  defenselessness,  to  powerlessness,  to
what  someone  wants  to  avoid,  to  past  or  present,  to
weak side, to uncertain part, to negative side, to imper-
sonal  life,  to  cause,  to  rationality,  to  self-evidence,  to
facts,  to  basic  experience,  to  first-order  experience,  to
differences,  to  exclusion,  to  rejection,  to  what  corres-
ponds.

565

What has been described above at individual level also
applies  at  group  level. Here  too,  processes  of  schema
building and deployment and subsequent underlying re-
ferential  processes  are  employed. Moreover,  a  certain
exchange between individual and group-based referen-
tial processes is perceptible.

It can be established that deviating from what serves as
a reference or is  setted in, can feel uncomfortable and
inferior and can evoke resistance. Schemes thus repre-
sent reality, recognition, belonging, efficacy, justice, cor-
rectness and safety.   Preference is easily given to what
does not deviate from that reality, which is not unknown,
which does not isolate or involve risks, which does not
seem ineffective, which does not feel unjust and which
is  not  perceived  as  incorrect. Thus,  their  own  schemes
are  preferred  and  appreciated,  such  as  how  to  think,
feel, want and react, especially because they were there
before and are therefore more familiar.   This easily of-
fers a preference in terms of environment, for example,
own  culture,  in  terms  of  people,  for  example,  own
friends,  in  terms  of  goals,  for  example,  own  ideals  and
traditions.   This offers an easy feeling and a sense of ad-
ded value and easily evokes following. This way schemes
can be very helpful if healthy, because they are easily fol-
lowed up both in observation and in execution. But for
the same reasons they can also be very inhibitory for ob-
serving and acting if problematic. Fixed way and content
of perception, fixed manner and content of acting.   This

566

way someone's perception and reaction can seem very
irrational. The situation or the goal requires a completely
different  perception  and  reaction,  but  it  does  not
work. One  keeps  sticking  to  his  activated  schema  that
can not suddenly change at once. For example, this be-
havior  is  considered  to  be  unrealistic,  inefficient,  un-
weighted,  unprofitable,  unusable  or  disrupted. Even  if
someone sees this himself, he can not simply leave his
perception  and  reaction  behind  him  and  distance  him-
self from it.

If interaction deviates from the used schemes, this easily
evokes emotions, that only can be released altogether so
that the referential can evolve - which demands effort -
or  -  as  is  usually  expected  - returns  to  the referential  :
the deviant of the reality, of the known, of accepting and
belonging, of what is working, of what is just, of what is
right, must first be put in order. Brought to reality, to the
known, to the accepted and the belonging, to the active,
to  the  just  and  to  what  is  right. So that  inhibitions and
resistances can be overcome and the other can be rea-
ched and approached in a different way.

In addition to what individually or possibly jointly serves
as  reference  point(s)  and  in  addition  to  what  the  refe-
rence shares and ratios are, there is plenty of attention
for what counts as a negative or positive reference pool,
and  attention  is  given  to  where,  in  interaction,  perso-
nally or jointly, the reference core will be placed.

567

Schemas are sometimes called 'sensitive strings' or 'pit-
falls'. This is true if they relate in an unfavorable way to
someone himself or herself (for example, inferiority, vul-
nerability,  failure,  high  demands  or  excessive  criticism)
or if they relate in an unfavorable way to his or her rela-
tionship or interaction with others in his or her environ-
ment (for example, dependency, submission, seeking re-
cognition,  self-sacrifice  or  appropriating  rights). They
then give fixed patterns that easily pop up in someone
and often work unfavorably for him or her and for his or
her  environment. Because  someone  gets  stuck  easily,
schemes are also called 'magnets'.  Magnets that easily
confirm or attract certain 'evidences' and hold off or re-
pel  what  does  not  fit. As  :  'I am constantly confronted
with  problems  that  I  quickly  notice,  while  I  do  not  see
what  works.' Especially  in  a  therapeutic  framework,
terms  such  as  'sensitive  string',  'pitfall'  or  'magnet'  are
used.

The referential model allows what is linked and refers to
each other in its coherence and visualization, to place in
its  proper  context  and  to  help  on  the  way  from  a  new
perspective.  This way connections can be made visible
and  what  makes  reference  to  something  else  made
aware. This way the larger picture can be mapped. As a
result, possible obstacles can be detected and forces re-
leased. This way difficulties can be given a place and pro-
blems  solved. Like,  for  example,  how  negative  expe-
riences can stand in the way, or how someone remains

568

excessively  stuck  to  unusable  beliefs,  or  how  certain
emotions  and  desires  stand  between  someone  and  his
environment, or how someone threatens to fall victim to
unrealistic plans or unattainable dreams, and more.

Where reference is made would ultimately be the refe-
rent.   The referent stands for the reality that is referred
to in language. In view of the fact that reality can not be
understood in itself and reality always presents itself as
the reality for us, reference is in fact made to the named
reality, also philosophically called the world.  These as-
signments can be found in cognitive schemes, a kind of
representation  or  progressively  constructed  'theory'  of
reality.  Cognitive schemes then refer to reality by pres-
enting them to us.

According to Wikipedia, in semantics (linguistics) with re-
ferent is meant an entity, event or property in the - usu-
ally linguistic - reality where reference is made to lingual
elements (words, phrases or whole sentences).  Thus, ac-
cording to a first semantic movement, we use the refe-
rential  language  theories,  language  to  describe  some-
thing in reality. According to a second movement, the re-
presentational language theories, we make a connection
between language and mental representations. Bringing
together these two streams means a double reference:
one,  language  that  refers  to  representations  of  reality
and two, representations that refer to reality.

569

Where this thinking and working model can appear ra-
ther abstract and little practical, it was specifically imple-
mented in a social-emotional skill development training
package  for  adults  and  young  people. The  training
package was included in the practical guide 'Eye for your-
self  and  the  other!' This  practical  guide  elaborates  the
referential model in terms of content and method very
detailed  in  a  hundred  themes,  with  many  illustrations
and examples. The intention was to provide a well-deve-
loped  methodology  from  a  completely  new  para-
digm. Paradigm  that  lies  in  the  line  of  further  and  ex-
pected developments in the care services.

The referential working model is therefore a blueprint of
a  richly  varied  and  versatile  work  form  that can be  ap-
plied  in  various  domains,  ranging  from  education  and
training,  through  guidance,  programming  and  organi-
zation, to assistance and therapy. It can be used in both
problematic and non-problematic situations as a set of
insights and methods that are integrated in a coherent
context.

570

Practice

Illustrations of referential assistance and guidance
Working on problems can be done in different ways. Pro-
blems  can  be  tackled  on  the  surface  as  soon  as  they
become  visible. Problems  can  also  be  tackled  in  depth
before they become visible. Attention can then be focu-
sed on the underlying processes that give rise to the ex-
perienced  problems. In  the  past,  people  have  always
looked for various ways to tackle something, a problem
or  an  assigment. One  approached  with  this  methodo-
logy, someone else with another.

Here a referential model is proposed in which the diffe-
rent  solution  methods  take  place.  Referential  refers  to
what is referred to when approaching something.

A practical example:
Many  people  who  seek  help  have  a  hard  time  coming
into their own in their contact and dealings with others
without  losing  the  other. It  seems  to  them  a  dual
choice. Either to stand up for themselves  and then get
isolated  because  they  repel  others. Either  self-effacing
and letting go and thus win the sympathy and others for
themselves. The  cognitive  schemes  that  they  use  here
do not offer them many opportunities.

In this way, being kind will be filled in and answered in a
negative way.
being nice is: (NEGATIVE WAY)

571

.. allow everything .. (refer to situation)
.. self-effacing .. (refer to yourself)
..  give  all  attention  to  the  other  ..  (refer  to
     another)
.. always stay nice .. (refer to relation)
..  not  respond  to  perceived  injustice  (refer  to
context)
..

neglect

your

beliefs

(refer

     frame)

or is kind to them: (POSITIVE WAY)
..  allow  what  you  feel  good  about  ..  (refer  to
situation)
..  also  let  yourself  come  into  its  own  ..  (refer  to
yourself)
.. to divide attention between yourself and the other ..
    (refer to other)
..  being  nice  if  it  can,  set  limits  if  necessary  ..
    (refer to relation)
..  let  come  into  its  own  with  which  to  make..
    (refer to context)
..  where  you  stand  for  you  know  to  integrate  in  your
dealings ..(refer to frame)

Depending on whether you refer to the concrete situa-
tion on the surface, or deeper to yourself, the other per-
son,  your  relation,  the  environmental  context  or  your
conception framework, you will be nice in another way,
for example.

572

This reference can be done in a negative way, by taking
the element you refer to as it is and by paying little or no
attention and care to it. In fact by ignoring or neglecting
what you refer to in some way and not to refer to what
you want in exchange.

Do you neglect a situation of abuse, let you use yourself,
are you afraid to turn your relationship upside down, do
you  want  to forget  your own  past,  do  you  not  want  to
take into account what you find important, then you of-
ten come out badly. This can sometimes be experienced
too late.   It is then rather as something to avoid (away
from).

However,  this reference  can  also  be  done  in  a  positive
way  :  by  paying  attention  and  care  to  the  various  ele-
ments. In  your  love,  you  pay  attention  to  the concrete
situation by getting it in order. In other words, you can
do  this  on  the  surface,  but  also  more  deeply  as  fol-
lows. In being dear you pay attention to yourself not to
allow yourself to be used, let alone abused. In your love,
you  give  your  attention  to  the  other  by  involving  the
other person in finding a solution. In being nice you give
attention to your relationship, it is precisely because of
this that you want to pick something up, talk it out and
arrange it.  In being nice you give your attention to your
context,  which  is  customary  for  everyone  you  do  not
want to let go or exclude. In being nice you give atten-
tion  to  your  framework,  what  is  essential  for  you,  you

573

want to express and realise as good as possible. This is
then what you want to achieve (on the way to).

Your attention, care and well-being for the other often
has  to  do  with  meeting  the  (attachment)  needs  of  the
other person. Let me show your attention and care to me
and  to  bring about well-being for  me. As you approach
me, you meet my (attachment) needs, so that I can feel
connected to you, in my own way - possibly back to my
childhood. Rather  than  facts  and  arguments  in  interac-
tion, this involves recognizing and dealing with existing
basic feelings and underlying (attachment) needs.  Emo-
tion-oriented therapy points in that direction.

Depending on what you say and do in the end, you can
deduce  what  is  prioritized  for  you  and  what  does  not
matter or does not have to come into its own.  Are you
rather pragmatic or are you principle, for example.

In all, six types of rewards can be distinguished, that each
in their own way are responsible for the development of
schemes.   They each have their own source that lies at
the  root  or  origin  of  appreciative  rewards.   These  six
types of remuneration are : actual remuneration, inter-
nal remuneration, external remuneration, relational re-
muneration,  contextual  remuneration  and  cultural  re-
muneration.   They are each assigned by another source:
the factual by reality, the internal by oneself, the exter-

574

nal by others, the relational by the relation, the contex-
tual by the context and the cultural by the thought fra-
mework.   Here, the reality may be a source of appreci-
ation to oneself, or is there agreement with something
valued in itself, or is there agreement with something va-
lued by others or the relationship, or is there agreement
with something valued in the context or in the thought
framework.   The  rewards  are  always  supported by  the
released  hormone  dopamine  in  the  brain. The  onpare
rewards (factual, external and contextual) refer to some-
thing  more  momentous  and  varying. The  pare  rewards
(internal,  relational  and  cultural)  refer  to  something
more  permanent  and  stable. These  rewards  together
with the liberated dopamine ensure that the contents of
the  schemes  are  strengthened. This  may  concern  con-
tent  already  present,  supplemented  content,  or  new
content. In  this  case  there  is  successively  recognition,
supplementation  after  recognition  and  apprecia-
tion.   Particularly in the case of recognition, the combi-
nation  of  understanding  and  expectation  can  then  be
very reinforcing.

From a development perspective:
The filling and limitation of your own thinking and doing
- what is, for example, being nice, what is it not, how is
being  nice,  how  is  it  not  -  and  what  you  give  attention
and what counts for you, you can watch from a develop-
ment perspective. From a certain research angle (Kohl-
berg) it then comes to the fore that in the age group of

575

four  to  ten  years  only  attention  is  given  to  and  an  ac-
count is taken of the reality - in which there is something
at stake - and with possible consequences and reactions
in it. Being nice for the disadvantage that it saves.  Sub-
sequently, attention is given to and taking into account
one's own needs and what someone himself meets. Be
nice to the benefit that it delivers. In the age of ten to
thirteen years, there would first be attention to and con-
sideration of the other person, his attitude and reaction
to you. Be nice to please the other person. Then it would
be to pay attention to and take into account group ex-
pectations  and  agreements  in  order  not  to  disrupt  the
existing relation or relationship. Being nice because we
expect  and  hope  this  from  each  other. From  adoles-
cence onwards, when filling in and defining his thinking
and doing, the adolescent would focus on and take into
account  the  broad  context.    Being  nice  because  it  be-
longs to and is valued in society and you want to take this
into  account. And  this  could  evolve  in  bringing  the  self
into the forefront of and weighing up a self-made, more
universal frame of reference.  You can not live without
love  and  you  do  not  really  come  to  life,  until  you  have
discovered that.

This could mean that in someone's saying and doing suc-
cessive elements come forward and are central to suc-
cessively  causing  someone  to  do  what  does  not  cause
problems  in  reality,  doing  what  gives  satisfaction,  does
what is accepted by others, does what corresponds with

576

rules and attitudes, does what someone himself agrees
with the broad environment and finally does what some-
one thinks is okay.  A question will then be answered (or
not taken into account) in order to avoid problems in re-
ality, if something is received in exchange, to please the
other, to comply with the rules, to respond to the social
reality, to respond to your own reality. So in succession
for something in reality, the social reality and the perso-
nal reality.

Especially  the  successive  motivations  of  a  person's
judgment  and  actions  are  central  to  this  development
concept. Where initially between four and ten years so-
meone's judgment and reaction are motivated by no col-
lision  with  reality,  they  are  subsequently  motivated  by
meeting  their  own  needs. From  ten  years  to  thirteen
years of age, a person's judgment and reaction is moti-
vated  by  no  collision  with  others,  then  by  no  collision
with  rules  and  organization  in  the  group. From  adoles-
cence,  the  motivation  for  judgment  and  action  can  be
found in wanting to meet the broad context in order to
eventually  lead  to  a  motivation  based  on  their  own
frame of reference. It is of course important to state in
this view that this is what is usually found in research in
various countries.  These findings may be closely related
to  existing  parenting  patterns,  which  means  that  diffe-
rent  parenting  patterns  might  yield  different  re-
sults. What can cause a lot of thinking, given that the re-

577

search shows that few reach the post-conventional ado-
lescent level (from and for or because of themselves and
the others) and most of them get stuck in pre- (from or
for the sake of themselves) and conventionally (from or
for the sake of the other) level.

A model presentation:
In relational situations, especially when they are conflic-
ting or problematic, one can see that one is more or less
inclined  to  refer  to  certain  of  these  mentioned  ele-
ments. This  then  yields  four  possible  interaction  and
communication patterns within a three-axis representa-
tion model:

the  horizontal  axis  of  the  assertiveness:  with  attention
and care for issues & attention and care for themselves

the  vertical  axis  of  the  cooperative  with  attention  and
care  for  the  other  &  attention  and  care  for  the  rela-
tionship

the depth axis of solidarity and universality with atten-
tion and care for the context & attention and care for the
(reference) framework

578

. If mutual attention is only paid to assertiveness, there
is often a quarrel and a furious reaction is easily expres-
sed.
. If only attention is given to cooperation, one easily fol-
lows or accomodate to one another and his expectations
and doesn

’t want to fail, which leads to an adaptive res-

ponse.
. If no attention is given to self-defense or good team-
work, then one decides to disagree, no longer being able

The following simplified presentation can be found in every-
day language:

In daily practice you notice that some people mainly follow
their head (ratio - what is learned), others their heart (fee-
ling - what is felt), or still others their intuition (sensing -
what they want).

Your intuition as close to yourself as what

to want, your heart as close to your relationships as what
to feel, and your head as close to your context as what is
learned and thought.

Some only follow their desires and fantasies, others only
their feelings, others just what is learned and thought.

A mix of the three elements, in which each of the three is
taken into account simultaneously, may offer added value
here.

If, for example, you only follow your head as what you

were taught, this may conflict with your intuition as you
choose.

For example, always be accommodating as held up

by others, while you yourself absolutely do not want some-
thing.

579

or willing to discuss or pick up something, which leads to
a mutually avoiding reaction.

. By both caring for yourself and what is at stake and the
other person and your relation can through a exploration
of  problems  and  possible  solutions  and  a  consultation
and negotiation be reached a cooperative action. Which
ultimately means the most chances in time. Certainly if
traditions and customs are also taken into account and
with what each finds worthy and valuable. This way you
can refer to multiple elements.

This care for yourself and the other can be demonstrated
by  interest  and  involvement.    Best  can  be  given  each
other mutual guarantee in advance that each of the ele-
ments and thus each will be sufficiently met. On the way,
we  can  search  and  strive  to  let  the  elements  and  thus
each come to its fullest right. In this way, the threat can
be removed for each and trust can be built up.

In  some  situations  where  confidence  is

n’t there and

there is a mutual sense of powerlessness, it is possible to
first choose to restore trust from the need for each other
which can experienced by the underlying feelings of po-
werlessness. From  this  relationship  rehabilitation  with
recognition  by  the  other  person,  can  be  found  willing-
ness within each to work on problems that are often ac-
companied  by  stress. In  the  attachment-based  family
therapy, there is plenty of attention for this.

580

Central to this is working on trust using the recognition
of  mutual  emotions  that  refer  to  mutual  relationship
needs. This relationship and recognition can then form a
basis for working on problems through the development
of appropriate competencies.

With  all  this,  you  can  establish  that  attention  and  care
you  spend  on  the  situation  also  immediately  focus  on
content and care for yourself. But also vice versa, if you
pay attention and care to yourself, this also implies that
you pay attention and care to the situation.

The same applies to attention and care that you spend
on the other person, this also means that you pay atten-
tion and care to your relationship. And, conversely, the
attention and care you devote to your relationship, also
immediately entails attention and care for the other per-
son.

Finally, the same applies to attention and care that you
spend on your context, which also means attention and
care for your whole of the mind. And conversely, the at-
tention and care you spend on your whole of thoughts,
also includes attention and care for the context.

For example, by paying attention to three elements, for
example situation, relationship and context, you would
immediately  pay  attention  to  the  six  distinct  elements

581

(situation, yourself, the other, your relationship, the con-
text and your whole of the mind). Nice bonus !

However,  this  does  not  always  go  smoothly.    This  can
create tensions if context does not coincide with culture,
or if relationship does not coincide with others, or even
if  it  does  not  coincide  with  what  is  topical. In  the  first
case there is culture versus context, in the second case
group versus individual, and in the third case individual
versus topicality. Failure to coincide then easily creates
tensions.

An example of culture versus context is possibly a hou-
sing unit with multiple cultures; or a culture spread over
several housing units.

An  example  of  group  versus  individual  may  be  a  rela-
tionship  that  is  not  met  as  a  partner  or  as  a  parent  or
child;  or  attachment  needs  of  partner  or child that  are
not met within the partner or parent-child relationship.

An example of individual versus reality may then have to
do with self-neglecting on a matter; or matter, or a point
of attention that is not being fulfilled, to the benefit of
itself.

By offering space for each other and allowing and provi-
ding variation, both can be more easily integrated.

582

Some, however, prefer to give preference or priority to
the context, or to the other or to the actual reality, res-
pectively. Others prefer the culture, or the relationship
or the individual self. The search for a combination and,
if possible, an agreement between each of them offers
the most possibilities and benefits.

You can asked yourself if in all of this, you let yourself be
guided by:
. what you perceive what is how as fact or fiction
. what you recognize what can be how done as okay or

not okay

. what you feel what to be how together or individually
. what you want what how happens as working or not

working

. what you imagine what is how allowed as right or

wrong

. what you think what you how find as right or wrong

Both in what you want to achieve (which something is)
and in the way (how something is) you can refer to one
or  more  of  the  mentioned  elements. These  reference
points can then be used as landmarks that indicate the
direction  or  as  ending  points  as  what  to  achieve. It  is
about  the  extent  to  which  how  to  make  something
true. This  level  will  easily  determine  the  intensity  and
flexibility with which to achieve something.

583

An example of parenting support :
When parents get stuck in their upbringing, it usually has
to do with something around which the parent-child re-
lationship has come to turn to a great extent. Something
that  constantly  repeats  itself. Or  something  that  does
not  want  to  succeed. A  difficulty  occurs  again  and
again. You can not leave it behind.   Even if you want as
a parent or a child, you can not manage it, no matter how
much you are trying.

You can then check if what it turns around or is about is
something you want. Or just something that you absolu-
tely do not want. You can check whether it is something
that is within your reach. Something with and for which
you can do something. If this is not the case, you can find
out how you can get it within your reach. So that you can
achieve what you want through the effort you make.

Imagine that your child is constantly making a fool of you
and doing completely different things behind your back,
then you may have opted for control. You can then no-
tice that no matter how much control you exercise, your
child will always try to keep everything in front of it. On
what  it  does  outside  your  knowledge  you  do  not  have
any vision at all, let be control.

Where it then possible comes to turn around more and
more is silence and control. What is sure is that i

t doesn’t

lead to anything. You could then choose to let it revolve

584

around something else in your mutual interaction.   Sa-
fety, for example, so that your child dares to talk about
what it experienced and is planning to do. In this way you
get more insight into the actions of your child and you
come closer to your child. This gives you more chances
to  adjust  in  time  and  you  gain  more  influence  through
the growing trust.

You could also notice that your child easily divides you as
parents. The child seeks to be right with one of you and
constantly  plays  you  out  against  each  other.  You  could
then notice that it is always a coalition struggle of you as
parents to the coalition with your child. You could then
agree  to  let  it  run  around  a  coalition  between  the  pa-
rents.  Parents  who  do  not  compete  but  follow  each
other  as  much  as  possible  and  support  each  other,  or
who together consult and agree on a joint answer and a
follow-up response.

As a parent, you can easily be dealing with your child who
does not want something new. It continues to do what it
always did and refuses to get stubbornly acquainted with
something new, let alone attempt to try and explore the
new. Instead of letting your reaction revolve around the
refusal  of  your  child,  you  can  choose  to  let  it  revolve
around  your stimulation of  your  child.   So  you  can  find
out how you can stimulate your child and what you can
do,  rather  than  being  stuck  in  what  your  child  did  not
want and failed to do.

585

By always looking at which schema or which schema con-
tent does not work, you can choose a different schema
or schema content  around  which  it can  turn  better,  so
that  more  opportunities  arise  and  the  jamming  can  be
prevented.

An example of vulnerability :
Neither as a parent nor as a child, you like to be hurt in
contact with each other and therefore you try to avoid
this.  However,  as  a  parent  and  child  you  can  become
very focused on this, which puts everything in the pers-
pective  of  possible  hurting  and  being  hurt  and  how  to
avoid this and protect each other. This way you can pay
attention  to  possible  hurting  if  you  don't  want  to  hurt
(for example, delaying as a parent or child to react until
it hurts hard). On the other hand, you can watch for pos-
sible  hurt  if  you  don't  want  to  be  hurt  (for  example,
fleeing everything and putting off as parent and child un-
til you are confronted with reality). This way you can also
pay attention to possible hurting if you don't want to be
hurt (for example, where you as a parent or child go on
the attack as a defense). Finally, you can pay attention to
possible hurt if you don't want to hurt (for example, by
living in a fantasy and thus limit yourself, or let yourself
be used). Fear of hurting or being hurt often plays an im-
portant role from an underlying current need for accep-
tance, confirmation and appreciation by others, but also
by oneself. Possibly from a low self-assurance and a low
self-confidence, in other words a pronounced feeling of

586

vulnerability. It is also possible that a hypersensitivity is
at  the  basis,  which  makes  everything  feels  stronger.
About  hurting  there  may  be  a  fear  of the  reaction  and
the consequences for the relationship with each other,
such as feeling misunderstood or rejected, or not being
experienced anymore as sweet. In this way it comes to
silence, accept, follow and admit, until it can no longer.
Information,  advice,  limitation  or  correction  are  easily
taken  as  personal,  causing  yourself  and  each  other  to
hold  back  because  of  a  potentially  hurtful  experience.
Everyone is afraid to show his own vulnerability. That is
why it is easy to build a wall around oneself and to keep
a  distance  and  there  is  little  openness.  Also,  each  own
feelings  are  sometimes  kept  at  a  distance  to  protect
themselves.

All this can be understood referentially as an insufficient
or  unfavorable  attention  and  care  for  oneself  and  for
each  other  in  the  upbringing  situation.  After  all,  favo-
rable attention and care for oneself and each other re-
quire communication and an approach to unspoken pro-
blems,  needs,  preferences  and  relationship  with  each
other,  preferably  as  early  as  possible.  It  is  precisely  a
greater positive or favorable involvement in oneself and
each other that makes something not easily come across
as hurtful, because it was not intended that way, did not
come across that way and each can handle more. Open-
ness  is  then  not  confused  with  vulnerability,  but  as  an

587

opportunity  for  understanding,  support  and  confirma-
tion. Thinking, acting, and being in terms other than hur-
ting and being hurt can create space for something else,
such  as  involvement,  closeness,  support,  and  affirma-
tion.  So  it  comes  in  education  to  revolve  around
something else than possibly hurting and how to avoid
it. You  touch  each  other  like  being  touched  and not  as
hurting each other and you also allow each other to do
this. The way in which this is done, will be a determining
factor in this regard.

An example of hostility :
As  a  child,  for  one  reason  or  another,  you  may  find
yourself  in  a  hostile  environment  characterized  by  dis-
trust, distance, lack of affection and involvement, an en-
vironment  full  of  criticism,  blame  and  accusation.  As  a
child you sense this and you easily react to it intuitively,
in order to still get attention and to force its own place.
The  child  then  seems  easily  out  of  control.  In  fact,  the
child is looking for acceptance, trust, love and warmth,
that shows affection and commitment. This will require
a  friendly  environment  that  no  longer  revolves  around
hostility.  An  animosity  that  may  also  stem  from  a  pre-
vious past of his own.

An example of mental (life) force :
By activating knowledge schemes about each other in in-
teraction, you bring each other to life. It is the child that
brings  parenthood  to  life.  No  parent  without  a  child.

588

Conversely, as a parent you also bring your child to life.
Without a parent, no child. By simultaneously activating
knowledge  schemes  about  the  interaction  event  while
interacting, the event comes to life. A story, a history and
possibly a future is created. Seeing each other with the
story of accepting and loving each other. Or avoid each
other with the story not to like and not loving each other.
Saying something (interaction) that triggers a lot in each
(story).  Or  say  something  (interaction)  that  leaves
everyone cold (no story). Without interaction there is no
story. Without a story there is no interaction. In this way,
knowledge schemes bring both an interaction event and
the actors to life.

An example of influenceability:
As a young person you can hardly be influenced from the
outside or inside. You seem stiff and inflexible. It seems
as if the youngster is attached to something internally or
externally and is sent through it. The environment does
not get access to him or her and has little or no control
over  him  or  her. This  is  particularly  evident  when  the
young person grows up in a difficult upbringing situation.

There  can  then  be  in  you  inner  schemas  more  or  less
fixed  patterns  present  that  guide  you. They  originate
from previous experiences in yourself or in your environ-
ment. This  creates  personal  and  social  schemes  that
become active in certain situations at certain times.

589

For example, for young people in a difficult situation, in-
dividual schemes such as 'I am worth little or nothing', 'I
am afraid' or 'I am constantly on the run'. These young
people are often looking for better life experiences that
they hope to find in other life situations. In these situati-
ons,  the  following  social  schemes  may  be  developed:
'here I am someone', 'they reassure me and make things
recognizable to me', 'I can go to them and they make me
big and give me a sense of self-esteem '.

However  unhealthy  these  situations  may  be,  they  help
you get away from your old schemes of weakness as a
youngster  and  exchange  them  for  new  schemes  of
strength, even if you have to pay the (high) price of an
unhealthy situation. A situation that may involve use or
even  abuse,  from  within  your  own  vulnerability. For
example,  you  are  more  susceptible  to  drugs,  dealing,
prostitution, loverboys, radicalization, and so on. Some-
times you also only know the illusion that new schemes
apply to you and the reality is usually different. Because
schemas  are  situation-based,  the  activation  in  one  un-
healthy situation can not simply be transferred to ano-
ther  healthy  situation. This  requires  the  acquisition  of
new experiences in this new situation.

An example of limitation:
As a parent you want easily go against something you do
not want. However, much can stop you : yourself, who
does  not  want  to  come  across  as  a  limiter;  your  child,

590

where  you  do  not  want to  go  against  and  you  want  to
continue to regard as sweet; your relationship with your
child, who you does not want to endanger and who you
wants to keep relaxed. On this manner it is difficult.

You  may  be  able  to  distinguish  between  attention  and
care for your child as a person and attention and care for
your  parent-child  relationship.  Your  limitation  has  the
same  goal  of  being  able  to  keep  loving  your  child  and
finds its origins in your love for the child. You want to pay
attention  and  care  to  your  child  and  his  development.
You go against something, just because you care about
and  love  your  child.  You  can  also  express  this  in  your
reaction to your child : 'because you are important, be-
cause I love you, because I care about you, because you
matter'.

By responding in a timely manner, you also hope to se-
cure  your  relationship  and  not  to  endanger  it. Just  be-
cause we get along so well and can continue to do so, I
respond in time. As a parent, I also know that as a child
you  also  want  to  do  a  lot  to  maintain  a  pleasant  rela-
tionship.    So  it  can  be  that  reacting  against something
immediately turns out to be an opportunity to confirm
your  affection  towards  your  child  and  your  bond  with
each  other. You  might  also  get  better,  because  at  the
same  time  you  can  also  pay  attention  and  care  to
yourself and to what you find important. In this way you
ultimately meet what you want, yourself, your child and

591

your relationship, this within a context of upbringing and
your whole of thoughts.

An example of border crossing, interactively real and in
expression virtually:
The model allows to specify when (criminal) boundaries
are exceeded in expressions and opinions, such as via so-
cial media, and effectively in real interaction. The 'demo-
nizing' present then can be situated at different levels:
real, personal, interactive, relational, contextual and cul-
tural. Respectively  this  manifests  itself  by  threatening
(on a real level), insulting (on a personal level), inciting
(on an interactive level), discriminating (at relational le-
vel), humbling (on a contextual collective level) and con-
demning (on a cultural level). The targeted persons ex-
perience this as having to deal with threats, insults, inci-
tement,  discrimination,  humiliation  and/or  condemna-
tion. Immediately  the  contours  are  shown  of  what  can
how instead be done in interaction with each other.

Finally:
The referential working model is a richly varied and ver-
satile  work  form  that  can  be  used  in  various  domains,
ranging from education and training, through guidance,
programming  and  organization,  to  assistance  and  the-
rapy. It can be used in both problematic and non-proble-
matic  situations. It  offers  a  whole  of  insights  and  me-
thods integrated into a coherent whole.

593

referential model

concepts as :

where around

what

how

where, when,
to whom

. cognitive and memory scheme
. cognitive, virtual and cultural
. product information and process infor-
mation
. comprehension and behavioral filling
. basic and synthesis experience
. first and second order
. refer to seeing, feeling, thinking, doing
. refer to yourself and others
. deal with yourself and with others
. embeded and excluded
. openness and closedness
. bigger and smaller frame
. start and trace
. objective and subjective
. objectives and instrumentality
. parts and sides
. connections and deformations
. association and dissociation
. differences and commonalities
. small differences and big differences
. add and accelerate
. process thinking and progress

594

(P)referential parenting and guidance from a to z 12-
part scientific encyclopedia. - Hove (Antw.- Belgium),
2023.

ISBN 978-90-802113-7- 7

info@opvoeding.be

Keywords : development, parenting, guidance, child,
parents

Number of pages: 6000

Publ. : psychcom-research vzw, Hove

Chief editor: Jo Franck

Illustrations: i.a. BigStockPhoto.com

PART 1 ENCYCLOPEDIA: from A to El

All rights reserved. From this publication only something can
be reproduced, stored in an automated database, or made
public, in any form or by any means, electronically, mechani-
cally, by means of photocopies, recordings, or in any manner
whatsoever, after prior written permission from the author.

595

Jo Franck

Psychologist

Honorary  Lecturer  Social-Agogic  Work  Artesis  Plantijn-
hogeschool Antwerpen (Belgium)

Editorial  Council  member  Sozio  Flemish-Dutch    Maga-
zine for Social and Pedagogic Professions

Editor-in-chief E-Magazine Development & Guidance on
www.opvoeding.be

Author  CD-ROM

‘Preventing bullying can be learned!’

Edition Youth & Peace

Author of 'How do I tell you? For your own communica-
tion culture ',' Eye for yourself and the other! ' on socio-
emotional  skills  development,  'Problem  approach  in
school context ' and 'Referential  schema  thinking  and
practice for educational practice'

Coaching Social-Emotional guidance, problems like bul-
lying, parenting support, parental guidance

Jury  member  of  the  annually  awarded  'The-bullying-
that-can-not-prize!' in Flanders

596

This  encyclopedia  aims  to  provide  a
broader  and  more  systematic  innova-
tive  framework  for  housing  recent
scientific insights and research findings
on parenting and guidance.

Scientifically-based  pedagogical  pro-
cesses,  mechanisms  and  contexts  are
described and arranged in alphabetical
order. There  is  room  for  what  is,  but
also for what is preferable in parenting
and  guidance. Especially  the  how  of
what is and of what is preferable is dis-
cussed.

Jo Franck studied psychology, crimino-
logy  and  family  and  sexological  scien-
ces  and  is  for  many  years  internatio-
nally  active  in  social-pedagogic  gui-
dance, training and editorial work.

         ISBN 978-90-802113-7- 7