INDEX PART 1 ENCYCLOPEDIA

                                           Presentation encyclopedia     10
Vision, objective and realization, where around

Look differently, react differently    63
How a child experiences a situation or event will largely
determine his reaction.

Assertiveness  youth theme   72
Assertiveness  is  the  degree  of  self-confidence  and
strength  in  your  dealings  with  your  environment.  It  is
something you have to a certain extent and that you can
develop further.

How to keep the balance positive ?    94
You can count on some things. Not on others. How does
the parent tilt the balance favorably?

Proactive development support    101
Parenting is more than rewarding or punishing. As a pa-
rent, you can proactively offer something to which your
child can react favorably.

Limiters - who or what stops me ? youth theme    109
As a young person you can stand for the task of slowing
down and limiting yourself.

From control to influence culture    119
What  remains  of  the  context  in  which  I  was  raised?  In
what  context  do  I  place  the  education  that  I  give  my
child?

Working together with the broad environment

Impor-

tance of social network

124

Parenting isn’t something you do on your own.

Reward and punishment

About development

guidance

131

You reward to encourage behavior. How do you actually
do this in practice?

In your reach! youth theme   142
You  often  feel  powerless  as  a  young  person.  Is  this  al-
ways the case?

Development of meaning    149
There is a lot to learn to discover meanings and to gives
meanings for yourself as a child.  Even harder is it to get
to know meanings that count for others.

Buffers as protection   160
Buffers ensure safety. They allow us to notice insecurity
on time.  How to sensitize children for this?

Preventing burnout as a parent    168
How as a parent prevent to go under? Which signals can
you notice in time? How do you respond?

Out of the center    180
What if a child no longer identifies  himself with the fa-
mily group?

Circular influence    188
What you say or do can be a reaction to your child. Your
reaction can then again be the starting point for the child
to which it in turn reacts.

Claim behavior, demanding a lot of attention    210
Every child needs attention. How to deal with it ?

What can coaching do for me ? youth theme    225
As a young person, much is still a dream to realize. With
discovering  how  to  make  this  happen,  via  which  roads
and  with  the  help  of  what  and  who,  you  can  be  very
much at ease and help yourself.

Cognitions in parenting    230
Cognitions - as what you make of something - determine
your responding as a parent. This is also the case for the
child - what it makes of what you say and do - determines
his reaction.

Cognitive schemas and parenting    242
The  development  of  the  child  coincides  with  the  deve-
lopment  of  cognitive  schemas.  In  the  upbringing,  the
child can be helped with the construction and  filling of
cognitive schemas.

Communicative approach    268
How do you openly communicate with your child in an
open way as part of your upbringing ?

Communicative development child    272
In parenting, much attention is given to language and be-
havior development of the child. Less attention is given
to how communication develops in the child.

For a clear communication    288
Talking to your child is not always easy. A clear commu-
nication can offer more opportunities.

Phase-specific communication    300
Communication  that  accompanies  someone's  doing  in
reality  requires  prior,  during  and  afterwards  conversa-
tion,  in  accordance  with  the  different  communication
phases.

A good contact with my child   310
Every parent wants a good contact with his child. What
does this mean a good contact?

Containment and holding in parenting    323
Children  may  need  someone  who  knows  how  to  cover
their  emotions  and  can  provide  the  necessary  support
and protection.

From co-regulation to self-regulation    332
Adults play through the interactive process of co-regula-
tion an essential role in shaping and supporting self-re-
gulatory development of the child.  Self-regulation as the
skill to get grip on emotions, needs and behavior and to
guide them.

Deconstruction & construction in parenting    346
Deconstruction  is  separating  in  our  thoughts  what
should better be not together.  Construction is bringing
together in mind what helps and offers opportunities.

Partial grouping   361
Subgroups can arise in a group. This offers opportunities,
but at the same time involves risks.

Appeal which parts and sides ?    370
Each  of  us  has  parts  that  can  become  active  and  sides
that can be addressed to. How do these parts and sides
come into play ?

Thinking on   381
A thinking can be on or off. If it is on, a major influence
of this will be on the child's behavior and experiences.

Knowledge and thinking development    395
The  development  of  know-how  and  thinking  helps  the
child to respond to questions and challenges.

Thinking about your parenting    404
Does thinking about your parenting confuse you, or does
it offer added value ?

By thinking    423
Take a moment to consider every day parenting, maybe
it brings you new ideas. Space to stop for a moment in
your upbringing can be to free yourself for new inspira-
tion.

Activation dialog    428
You want the other to perceive something like that and
react accordingly. The other does or does not respond to
this.

Direct and indirect approach    439
Want to focus your parenting directly on your child's be-
havior or indirectly focus on what surrounds it?

Keep distance and go on   446
Sometimes  thoughts,  feelings,  memories  and  percep-
tions  of  yourself  or  of  your  environment  bother  you.
How to keep a distance and continue anyway?

Capacity & burden of the family   456
Also the family has a certain carrying capacity and has a
certain load capacity. These fluctuate over time.

Drug use child    473
It is not easy today as a parent to prevent your child from
having contact with drugs. What can you do preventively
and how can you respond? How to talk to your child, ac-
tivate  his  own  forces  and  offer  support  with  regard  to
drug use ?

From pressure to attraction   488
What alternatives are there for pressure?

The child under pressure   505
Every child experiences pressure. Pressure is a signal that
asks for attention from parent and child.

External and internal pressure    513
A child adds internal pressure to external pressure.  How
to avoid the pressure from becoming too high?

Dealing with pressure from your child   523
A child easily exerts pressure for what it wants or does
not want. How to deal with this as a parent?

Presentation
encyclopedia

Vision, objective and realization

The encyclopedia

‘(P)referential parenting and guidance

from A to Z

’ provides supportive information for family

and school. This is done in the form of a thematic inter-
active  methodical  approach.  She  focuses  on  educators
(parents, child care workers, teachers, pupil counselors,
educator-counselors, social workers) ánd young people.
The encyclopedia tries to translate scientific psycho-ped-
agogical  insights  and  methodologies  based  on  the  very
latest  (neuro)scientific  research  findings  into  concrete

This encyclopedia provides supportive parenting in-
formation for family and school.

The discussed parenting themes can also be found
on :

https://www.opvoeding.be

. These are freely ac-

cessible.

family and school contexts in a modular way. It is an ini-
tiative of the psychcom-research vzw training and re-
search center in Hove (Antwerp):

info@opvoeding.be

The focus in the encyclopedia is on parenting of the child
and on guidance in its dual sense. Guidance, on the one
hand for children with less need for explicit upbringing,
such as very young children, who require more develop-
mental stimulation; or older children, who require more
coaching.  Guidance, on the other hand, in the form of
parental  guidance,  with  particular  attention  to  parents
as a person and their experiencing of being a parent. In
the encyclopedia there is so attention for child upbring-
ing, young child guidance, youth or adolescent guidance
and parent guidance.

At present there are already 600 specific alphabetically
ordered  themes  on  development,  parenting  and  guid-
ance  available,  each  on  itself.  This  corresponds  to  ap-
proximately 6,000 pages of information in book format.
The  theme  items  are  included  in  an  alphabetically  or-
dered database that forms the encyclopedia. All theme
items  have  also  been  developed  for  Internet,  CD-ROM
and USB and can be found at

www.opvoeding.be

The encyclopedia follows an independent course and the
only objective is to make valuable scientific insights and
methods available for a broad audience, especially for
parents, teachers ánd young people. It can be concluded

that  only  part  of  these  insights  and  methods  can  be
found in educational practice. In many cases, the same
approaches are used. This encyclopaedia wants to try to
fill this gap.

In  the  thematic  components,  a  competence-enhancing
approach is chosen. This applies both to educators and
to children and young people. Attention is given to the
way of thinking, to the way of structuring and organizing,
and to the way of acting. This applies to both the parent,
the teacher, the child and the young person. The aim is
to  add  new ways  of  thinking,  organizing  and  dealing  in
education and development. In this way, more possibili-
ties can be made available and perhaps more specific sit-
uations  in  education  and  development  can  be  played
out. The emphasis here is not so much on how to solve
problems, but on how to prevent problems through own
competences from acquired own and shared power and
strength. In other words, there is not so much a focus on
how  to  overcome  weaknesses,  but  how  to  acquire
strengths. So an increased self-management and -regu-
lation  as  an  individual  and  as  a  (family)  group  may  be-
come  possible  within  a  larger  whole.    For  example,  an
attempt is made to prevent a great deal in ordinary up-
bringing in the ordinary environment, something that is
also  referred  to  as  'normalising'.

For example, an at-

tempt is made to prevent a great deal in ordinary up-
bringing in the ordinary environment, something that is
also referred to as 'normalising'. In this way an attempt

is made to prevent a great deal in ordinary upbringing in
the  ordinary  environment,  something  that  is  also  re-
ferred  to  as  'normalising'.    Ultimately,  it  wants  to  in-
crease parenting  comfort for both parent and child, so
that  mutual  interaction  runs  more  smoothly  and  more
and easier results are achieved in the desired direction.
So there should not be more, but just less.

Quality is set for each of the developed theme compo-
nents. To this end, a number of quality criteria are used
that each component must meet. These quality criteria
are:

* informative

* thematic

* process-oriented

* action-oriented

* context-oriented

* power oriented

* meta (contact) oriented

* user-centered

* inclusive

* overview focused

* situating

* methodically

* authentic

* experiential

* understandable language

* broad target audience

* minimal prior knowledge required

* illustrative

* innovative

* coherent

* increasing competency

* easily accessible

* gender inclusive language

* podcast friendly

The content has been kept as accessible as possible, yet
it is special. The quality criteria must guarantee this.

In this way, an attempt is made to make information im-
mediately available without a threshold and without ha-
ving to come forward with

one’s own situation. But on

the  contrary  with  respect  for  one's  own  situation  and
own vulnerability and in a non-committal manner.  He-
reby avoiding to create a feeling of inadequacy or com-
promising existing trust.

Providing information plays a key role.  It should allow to
become more aware of one's own behavior and possible
reaction to it.  The idea is that by looking more consciou-
sly or differently to an upbringing situation, a more cons-
cious or appropriate upbringing reaction becomes pos-
sible.  Through the included interactive element in each
component, an attempt is made to link up with the pa-
rent or teacher and with one's own experience.  So these
try to allow them to start a new experience that can in-
volve a certain evolution. Here there is not always a fo-
cus on what a parent can do, but also or first of all a focus
on what the child needs to develop. For example, to in-

vite parents to think and not to emphasize their own pa-
renting behavior, but to assume the situation for the pa-
rent. In order to be able to come up with solutions more
easily as a parent, without getting stuck in repetitive pa-
renting patterns that complicate being a parent. In this
way, not to perceive parent acting as determined only by
one's own upbringing, but as a result of a complex inter-
play of situation and parent.  Here it is important for the
parent  to  start  from  their  own  situation  and  actions,
their own story and experience, and their own strength,
and to give them a place and also a space. Such as a fee-
ling  of  being  able,  which  sometimes  turns  into  po-
werlessness.  Or  feelings  of  joy  and  affection,  which  go
hand in hand with feelings of sadness and distance. Or
attention and care for oneself as a starting point to be
able  to  give  attention  and  care  to  the  child.  Or  not  to
claim knowing the how as a parent, but looking for the
how together with the child.

Fundamental psychological and pedagogical research is
now making such a progression that it is obliged to re-
write a number of educational insights and approaches.
In this encyclopaedia, parents and teachers are trying to
do this for a number of themes.

As a parent or teacher you expect a lot from the environ-
ment as support in your task as an educator.  You easily
feel  like  you  want  to  count  on  others.    You expect  the
necessary help from the environment and society.  That

contribution  is  however  lacking  easily,  or  at  least  you
have  this  feeling.    In  the  theme  sections,  you  will  exa-
mine what you can do yourself to not experience these
consequences of standing to much alone.  Often as a pa-
rent or teacher you will determine that it is for your ac-
count and that what you do can make the difference.  In
the theme sections you try to offer help and support.

As a parent and teacher you can occasionally, often more
than  you  expect,  come  into  behavior  embarrassment.
This is easily accompanied by a feeling of powerlessness.
You have no influence on the child, while he has to deal
with  the  same  problems  over  and  over  again.  A  don't
know anymore, as if blocked. Nothing gets done in any
way. Your knowledge and skills as parents and teachers
threaten  to  fall  short.  Usually  you  expect  something
from  the  child  that  does  not  work.  The  danger  then
exists  of  putting  the  child  under  pressure,  with  even
more risk of not succeeding.  If you leave it that way, you
will fear that something will never change, at the same
time the child will be given a powerful tool that may in-
crease in frequency and the child might eventually take
over  from  you.    You  can  easily  fall  back  on  your  own
upbringing,  or  you  appeal  to  your  immediate  environ-
ment, relatives or friends.  But even then it is easy to see
that you do not get useful instructions.

In the theme components, the aim is to provide insight-

enhancing,  action-oriented  and  contextually  linked  in-
formation.  Information that mainly explains how some-
thing could happen.  Which processes are present and
how they could respond to them.  Attention is given to
sharing of each and of what is present, and what the in-
put of each and of what is present, could be.    Today pa-
rents realize more than before that they do not always
know and do not always see it.  In the media they tell you
about it, without hesitation.  This means that there is re-
cognition for not being the ideal parent and to be able to
be searching.  At the same time, it turns out that parents
are now more inclined to lean towards something more
strict in order not to go into action.  Perhaps the higher
pace of life is something behind this.  Patient search and
encouragement  requires  more  time.    Possibly also it is
related to the imbalance, according to some people, of
too  little  directive,  sometimes  too  over-crowding  and
leaving too much room for the child when they do not
know.

Many  parents  intend  to  have  fun  from  and  with  their
child.  This soon turns out to be less easy than expected.
As  a  parent  you  can  easily  show  behavior  insecurity.
Whether  something  is  possible,  whether  you  can  best
handle  something.    In  the  encyclopedia,  an  attempt  is
made to reduce this uncertainty from the perspective of
the opportunities and risks of own actions.  Also in indi-
cating which actions in a concrete patenting situation of-
fers  more  opportunities  with  fewer  risks.    In  this  way,

one's own actions are confirmed or optimized, or useful
alternatives for their own actions are provided.  Starting
from your own actions it is indicated how it can become
even more optimal.  Rather than questioning one's own
parent- or teacher-dealing, one can try to find a way to
add value.  It takes into account the rapidly evolving time
with new possibilities and challenges, making parenting
an increasingly complex task. The encyclopedia wants to
help parents and children gain strength in this increasin-
gly  complex  reality  by  looking  for  contemporary  ans-
wers.  So  that  both  can  find  what  suits  them  and  gives
them more opportunities, so that they do not give up or
get  them  in  overdrive.  The  intention  is  therefore  cer-
tainly not to make parents insecure and weak, but rather
to let them gain and strengthen their confidence on the
basis  of  scientific  input.   As  a  parent,  for  example,  you
may  develop  negative  thoughts  and  feelings  towards
your child, which can easily make you stiff and stuck. By
looking  for  how  you  can  deal  with  these  thoughts  and
feelings differently and how to activate other thoughts
or feelings, it will allow more flexibility, something will be
is less in the way and there will be room for change and
a  different  reaction.  This  way  you  can  transfer  from
where you want to go away to where you want to go the
way.  So you can give full attention to your growth op-
portunities.

In  this  encyclopaedia,  the  young  person  is  also  consi-

dered a full-fledged party or steakholder in the educati-
onal process.  After all, it is him or her who is in the cen-
ter of the education process.  He or she is considered as
an active 'agent' who colors the upbringing event and in-
dicates content  and  form  as  'agency'  or  influence. This
implies attention to freedom of choice, behavioral space
and  personally  colored  right  to  exist.  This  is  apparent
from  the  age-  and  gender-specific  approach  in  upbrin-
ging.  There are, for example, theme elements that spe-
cifically address the young person and offer informative
help  in  his  development.    They  were  given  the  name
youth theme.

In the upbringing it is also the young person who in his
actions asks for specific parenting needs in perspective
to his development.  Parenting needs where the upbrin-
ging of the environment can best be connected to as well
as possible.  Thus both, young one and adult, are invol-
ved at the same time.  This is based on the individuality
of each child and each young person. Individuality that
requires its own parenting approach for each.

This can also open the perspective for the adult to be-
come more aware of what parenting and development
processes  mean  for  the  child  and  the  young  person.
What they mean to them, how something is experienced
by them and how they react to it and try to exert influ-
ence.

This  approach  from  child  and  young  person  contribute
to a child's reflex in the adult, of what his actions and the
present situation imply for the child. Something that asks
for feelers of how something is and appears to the child
or young person of the given and experienced parenting.
In this way, the safety and well-being of the child can be
prevented and, if desired, they can be restored with the
necessary  support.  This  is  discussed  in,  among  other
things:  parenting  stress  in  the  child,  when  it  no  longer
works between yourself and your child and my mom or
dad  easily  lose  their  temper.  Something  that  can  raise
such concerns as parents where they wants to work on.
This brings the child into the picture and makes it clear
where to pay attention to.

In this work, therefore, much attention is paid to the vul-
nerability of the child. A child is often unable to assess
the quality of the care and upbringing received. It often
tries to adapt to the care and upbringing situation and
circumstances and to learn from it in order to function
and  develop  as  optimally  as  possible  in  that  environ-
ment. Not only the child, but often also the parent is in-
sufficiently  aware  of  the  possible  lack  of  quality.  If  the
care and upbringing received is problematic, the child is
often  consciously  unable  to  interpret  this,  but  it  does
show  emotional  and  behavioral  reactions  that  point  to
possible  chronic  stress  present  in  a  context  that  is  not
very suitable for the child and its development. The work

pays attention to this child's stress and possible emotio-
nal  and  behavioral  reactions  in  order  to  prevent  this  if
possible,  so  that  better  functioning  and  development
opportunities can arise for the child. More specifically, it
tries to do something about it by providing a more opti-
mal living and development environment with more ap-
propriate guidance and upbringing. It provides informa-
tion and a framework for it. In this way, it may be possi-
ble  to  avoid  a  great  deal  of  powerlessness  being expe-
rienced on the part of the parent(s) and the child, resul-
ting in inappropriate mutual reactions. The information
provided must allow each to be situated in what is hap-
pening, what each is doing and what is possible. Hence
informative parenting support.

As  a  parent  you  consciously  or  unconsciously  work  to-
wards  self-regulation  of  your  child.  For  what  the  child
can not yet do, as a parent you take care of by co-regu-
lation. Co-regulation that helps the child and supports it
to develop more and more self-regulation. Especially the
way  in  which  something  can  or  does  succeed  will  be
given  attention  in  co-regulation,  in  order  to  help  the
child find the way to self-regulation. It is particular this
method  of  regulation  that  will  receive  attention  in  this
encyclopaedia. The younger the child, the more co-regu-
lation will be needed, the older the child the more self-
regulation becomes possible. The younger the child, the
more important the co-regulation, in order to avoid that
the  child  is  missing  a  step  or  facet  in  his  development

with  consequences  for  later.  Co-regulation  appears  to
work  in  two  ways.  One,  in  which  the  parent  helps  the
child to find his own way. Two, where the child helps the
parent  find  the  way  to  him  or  her.    As  the  child  grows
older the more self-regulation can be worked on. Such
as how to deal itself with experienced emotions, how to
keep communicating, how to stay itself in a group, how
to deal with expectations and realities, how to arm itself
against  risk  situations  and  how  to  meet  encountered
problems and how to solve them.

From  the  perspective  of  the  broad  living  environment,
the child is approached in an emancipatory, empowering
and participatory manner, so that it comes to its own as
an authentic person with individual meaning and active
contribution, who occupies a full place in his living envi-
ronment. A broad living environment that offers the ne-
cessary resources and protection for this.

This  two-sided  approach  is  fairly  new  because  usually
only the adult perspective is taken in raising, as if only it
determines the upbringing.  By thinking in terms of up-
bringing processes, this perspective changes to both pa-
renting actors, young one and adult and their mutual in-
teraction  and  relation.    For  example,  each  parenting
event is unique due to the share and interaction of adults
and young people.  Most of the theme components are
therefore aimed at both as full partners in the upbringing
event.

Parenting  is  in  this  sense  double  layered.  On  the  one
hand there is the encounter of parent and child as two
equal beings who share their lives together, interact with
each other in an equal manner, are involved with each
other and grow together. With an eye for meeting with
the wider environment of the family. This forms the ethi-
cal dimension and requires respectful and solidarity-ba-
sed interaction. On the other hand, there is the guidance
of  the  parent  in  the  development  of  the  child.  To  this
end,  the  parent  offers  the  child  care  and  support  and
creates space and time to grow. This constitutes the pe-
dagogical dimension and requires a helpful approach.

Parents today invest more time and energy in their child
and  his  development.  The  child  means  a  lot  to  the  pa-
rent, especially emotionally. It also determines the iden-
tity  of  the  parent.  Parenthood  partly  determines  who
they are, alongside all other partial entities. Parents are
increasingly demanding of themselves and want to offer
quality. They want to give their child every opportunity
and a happy childhood. This requires a lot of effort. They
account for an increasing share of this.  At the same time,
they allow their child more input and a larger share. The
parent means so much to the child. The parent-child in-
teraction is more intense today than before. For parents
this means a more involved and intensive way of paren-
ting.

In some cases, the deep feelings towards each other in

the family may be somewhat underborn by troubles in
daily life. This often happens because people do not al-
ways know how to deal with each other. The needs of
each other

– as the need of other members of the fami-

ly - may also have been  lost and are little or no longer
addressed by the daily tensions and conflicts.  By indica-
ting possibilities and ways to reduce and overcome ob-
stacles,  tensions  and  conflicts,  so  that  the  unfavorable
reality and discussions can be lifted, room for these deep
feelings  and  needs  towards  each  other  can  come  in
place.  Small successive successes can then gradually ini-
tiate a change process and provide the energy for further
steps towards each other.  By bringing these feelings and
needs back to each other, they can also immediately of-
fer a basis for moving towards each other.

Finally,  there  are  theme  items  that  specifically  target
adults.    This  specifically  concerns  parenting,  as  what
means the upbringing for the adult.  This parent dimen-
sion is placed in the theme components next to the pa-
renting dimension.

In  the  scientific  encyclopaedia,  for  example,  there  is
plenty of attention for parenting and guidance for child-
ren and young people.  But in addition, a lot of attention
is also paid to  parenthood, in the form of parenthood-
oriented information and guidance.  Where in parenting
and guidance the child and the younger are central, pa-
rents are central in parenthood.  Parenthood is seen as

broader  than  parenting.        The  offered  upbringing  can
end, the parenthood is not.    Moreover, parents are not
only parent, but also partners, members of one or more
communities and a person on its own. For example, at-
tention is paid to the broader social context of parents,
by  which  someone  gains  meaning  and  comes  into  its
right  as  a  person.  How  can  favorable  relationships  be
built and positive relationships developed, so that a so-
cial network is created, which can be counted on if ne-
cessary and which indirectly benefits the parenting and
the  upbringing  and  development  of  the  child.  Pa-
renthood is thus also seen as encompassing the upbrin-
ging.    In  the parent-child  relationship  there  is  not  only
your  upbringing,  but  also  the  cohabitation  relationship
with your child, the emotional bond and commitment to
your child, your new parental identity, your sociocultural
background,  your  continuing  social  relationships  and
your time perspective (parenting history and future per-
spective).  In the encyclopedia, therefore, support is of-
fered in parenting, but also in parenthood.  Not only are
the well-being and the development of the child and the
younger, the well-being and the development of the pa-
rent as a person also receive full attention.  In addition
to the child perspective and dealing with the child, there
is attention to the parent perspective and dealing with
oneself as a parent. The parent is put in the centre here.
How could you do that being a parent, what does it en-
tail, where and when are you a parent, why or for what

purpose? How do you deal with the parent you someti-
mes are, but don't really want or can

’t be ? Paying at-

tention  not  give  a  number  of  additional  conditions  for
being parent or to put forward a number of qualities that
must imply power and strength for the parent.

For example, parental feelings and stress - up to burnout
- are discussed.  The stages of life of parents as a couple
are discussed as well as the development phases of the
child.  Furthermore, the thinking development and set-
ting of the parent as a person and how this reflects on
the parenting offered.  This means attention to the pa-
rent's interest next to the interests of the child.  Like, for
example, how as a parent  to pay attention to yourself,
yourself as well as a human being, and so on.    This in-
cludes attention to questions, thoughts, feelings, needs
and concerns for the parent and as a person. As a parent,
you  may  know  well  how  to  parent,  but  there  can  be
something in yourself that is bothering you. Something
that you have little insight into, and about which more
information can be helpful in understanding and dealing
appropriately with the child.

Separate attention is paid to being a parent in relation to
the child. What does the child evoke in you as a parent ?
What is activated in you as a parent in contact with your
child ? What thoughts, feelings, needs and reaction ten-
dencies  do  you  experience  as  a  parent  in  dealing  with

your child ? In what situation do you feel placed as a pa-
rent  interacting  with  your  child  ?  How  much  does  the
child ask of you as a parent ? How much attention, time
and energy does the child demand from you as a parent?
Does  what  the  child  asks  for,  correspond  to  what  you
want to offer as a parent ?

So  it  is  proposed  to  start  questions  about  parenthood
with  questions  about  parenting.  How  to  feel  like  a  pa-
rent?  How to grow in the role of parent ?  What evolu-
tion to have gone through ?  How to experience paren-
thood  ?    What  it  demands  from  you  ?    What  it  makes
difficult  ?    Whether  it  matches  your  presentation  of
being parent ?  Whether it meets your initial needs to be
a parent ?  This is based on the assumption that a parent
who  feels  good  about  himself  has  it  easier  to  raise  a
child.  Attention to being a parent in this work is aimed
at getting to know oneself better, taking oneself into ac-
count better, dealing with oneself better and being more
oneselves.

Today, there is a lot of attention for the relationship bet-
ween parent and child and its quality and sustainability.
A good and open parent-child relationship often forms a
solid basis for upbringing and development. In this work,
the nature of this relationship and its aspects and dimen-
sions are discussed in detail. In this way parent and child
can  grow  together  and  it  can  lead  to  a  joint  education
and development. Where people used to think in terms

of the child that needs to be raised and the parent that
needs to raise, people are now thinking in terms of the
relationship between parent and child and how this can
contribute  to  the  shared  challenge  of  developing  and
education together. Together they are then responsible
for development and education. This goes beyond a in-
teractional  or  transactional  proces.  It  is  more  about  a
joint  project  and  proces.  For  example  are  discussed :
connected  parenting,  partner  and  parent-child  rela-
tionship, favorable parent-child relationship and parent-
child relationship as a basis.

More in general the context, as an important actor, re-
ceives  plenty  of  attention.  Both  the  real  context  as  a
whole of small-scale and large-scale cohabitation, as the
ideal context as the whole of beliefs, values and norms
with which someone has to deal. Much is only expressed,
or is only relevant in a certain context. How is thought or
felt, how is acted or reacted and what something or so-
meone is like in reality, often requires triggers of what is
present in a specific situation as a trigger or

‘activator’.

For  example,  parenting  questions  or  problems  can  be
linked to a certain situation or phase in someone's deve-
lopment  and  not  so  much  to  someone's  person,  beha-
vior or parenting history. For example, it is known that
certain  difficulties  only  arise  in  unfavorable  cir-
cumstances. By doing or changing something about that
situation, the difficulty can disappear or diminish, so that

it  can  be  resolved  or  become  more  manageable  to  re-
solve.  Any  situation  problem  less  is  than  a  step  in  the
right  direction.    A  term  like  growing  up  that  stands  for
becoming older, refers to the context in which this hap-
pens, both external and internal context. Both of these
contexts  influence  the  existing  and  possible  develop-
ments and the formation of identity and the opportuni-
ties or risks in this regard. Living in (disadvantaged) po-
verty or being ill, disabled, addicted or having a disorder,
often means that less development is possible or at a lo-
wer level. The living environment can be very decisive for
the development of personality and identity of the child,
such as living in a warm, familiar and stable environment,
or rather in a distant, unstable and critical environment,
an  environment  in  which  expected  and  desired  or  just
not, and so on.  Attention is not only paid to the parent-
child  relationship,  but  also  to  the  family-child  rela-
tionship and for the development of one's own network
as a surrounding context. The broader external context
such as society, culture and current times, such as virtual
online, also have a major influence on growing up.  For
example, in addition to striving to strengthen one's own
strength, there is plenty of attention here for activating
surrounding social networks. The support of these net-
works mainly aims to work preventively and to increase
one's own strengths.

The attention for the child, the parent as educator and
the educational context are not approached here only in

isolation,  but  especially  in  connection  with  each other.
Thus,  according  to  the  transactional  parenting  model,
the child, the educator and the educational context are
the  three  actors  in  the  dynamic  circular  process of  pa-
renting,  in  which  there  is  a  mutual  influence  between
these  three.    The  context  often  forms  a  condition  for
something to be expressed or offered.  At the same time,
child, educator and their mutual interaction help shape
the educational environment.  In this way, it may be pos-
sible  to  join  forces  in  parenting  and  jointly  figuring  out
and agreeing how  it best can be done, as a joint quest
that  offers  opportunities  for  better  ideas  and  dealing
with more well-being.

The encyclopedia also spends plenty of attention to the
time  dimension,  both  on  an  individual  and  social  level.
Individual attention is paid to the child from conception
to  adulthood  and  to  the  parent  from  young  parent  to
grandparent.  Social  attention  is  paid  to  parenting  and
parenthood  in  the  past,  in  the  present  and  also  in  the
future, with attention to the future of parenting and to
parenting for the future.

The  information  provided  is  therefore  situated  in  the
current, constantly changing social framework of the so-
ciety. After all, the challenges parents and children face
today  are  constantly  increasing  in  number  and  size.
Think  of  the  increasing  diversity,  the  disappearance  of
the big stories, such as a religion that offered something

to hold on to,  the globalization, the internet and social
media  and  networks,  the  inverse  pyramid  of  authority,
the endless possibilities and at the same time limitations,
the blurring of categories and at the same time the in-
crease,  the  pervasive  computerization,  scientificization
and  professionalization  and  the  difficulties  to  control
pandemics.

Keeping in mind the context that you as a parent or child
can  do  something  about  and  that  is  within  your  reach
and  the  context  that  is  a  given  for  you  and  which  is
beyond your reach. In both cases this can have an effect
on the upbringing and thinking about it. In the first case
you can play and take your own responsibility, in the se-
cond case you can't. Bearing in mind the risk that the so-
cial situation and responsibility are passed on to the per-
sonal situation and responsibility, without paying atten-
tion to its coherence.

Nobody can predict the future anymore, not in the short
and long term. Every reason to gain in resilience and to
let it develop. So to prevent vulnerability, or to see it as
an opportunity for development. One can speak of a con-
tinuous transition of the society in which old patterns are
no longer useful and new patterns are not yet present or
not sufficiently flexible. How to deal with this and how to
respond to this as a family group is discussed below.  The
increasing  complexity  of  society  can  best  be  seen  as  a
given that you can trust and you are used to, and from

which you can start, without being overwhelmed by it or
losing control.

Attention to the time dimension also means attention to
change.  Such  as  making parents  and  children  aware  of
and let them recognize that change and growth are pos-
sible and that they are in fact continuously present. Thus
in this way increasing empowerment. This can be done,
among  other  things,  by  discovering  new  coping  me-
chanisms, how to use previous personal experience, to
realize that the brain has the capacity to change, taking
advantage of opportunities to grow, how to step outside
the comfort zone, how goal setting works together with
motivation and how to achieve goals.

In this encyclopedia, space has therefore been made for
a number of additional developmental aspects and areas
that are easily overlooked in education. Not only do pa-
rents often fail to pay sufficient attention to certain as-
pects and areas when dealing with their child, certain as-
pects  and  areas  are  also  largely  neglected  in  works  on
upbringing  and  development.  Attention  to  these  deve-
lopmental  aspects  and  areas  should  allow  you  as  a  pa-
rent to let the child develop skills in those areas. This at-
tention  to  this can  mainly  have  a  preventive  effect  be-
cause it often concerns less developed competences in
the child, which, however, if present, can increase self-
regulation and resilience. Supplement means an comple-
ment  and  addition. Complement  of  what was  still  little

or not offered attention or was not central in the deve-
lopment  of  the  child  and  the  upbringing  offered  by
adults. Also an addition of what has received little or no
attention or has been central in thinking and theory and
methodical  education  to  date.  This  encyclopedia  deals
with, among other things: development of favorable dy-
namics, emotional competence, development of cogni-
tive schemas and knowledge schema exploration, com-
municative development as a supplement for language
development,  development  of  prosocial  behavior  and
social  integration, development  of  one's  own  strength,
moral development, personal developmental plan, dea-
ling with changes, equilibration, self-regulation and self-
efficacy  and  development  of  the  search,  influence  and
selection function of the child.

In  our  current  complex  society  with  its  high  degree  of
instability and change, there is an increasing need for the
child to develop its own strengths. By pointing out these
own strengths of the child, it is also possible to respond
more specifically to them in the upbringing. In this way
preventive  possibilities  can  be  developed  to  deal  with
the countless situations and challenges that children and
young people face today, or even to play a central role in
dealing or solution-oriented response. In this way, both
parents and children can increasingly develop a powerful
feeling and have less of a feeling that things are escaping
them, things over which they seem to have no influence
or control. This work aims to additionally highlight some

of  these  developmental  aspects  and  areas,  without  in-
creasing  the  pressure  on  parents.  Not  even  more,  but
better less. Rather, perhaps partly different, which may
make it less demanding in the long run. This is because
solid foundations are laid in the development, on which
you can count on and build on. Memory and cognition
schemes play a central role in this story. It concerns pro-
cessed own experience stored in the memory and infor-
mation obtained from the experience of others. In this
way,  in  contemporary scientific  thinking  with  attention
to  information  and  neuroscientific  processing,  the  ac-
tions of a child or young person are increasingly seen as
memory-determined and centered.

The  parental  approach  in  the  past  easily  created  dis-
tance,  misunderstanding,  hierarchy  and  immutability.
Think, for example, of an authoritarian upbringing or of
punishment  and  reward  as  a  method.  The  current  ap-
proach  offers  opportunities  for  proximity,  understan-
ding,  equality,  changeability  and  is  committed  to  this.
Think, for example, of authoritative parenting or bonding
parenting.  Where  previously  communication  was  diffi-
cult  due  to  the  requirements  or  expectations,  there  is
now more optimal communication due to a listening at-
titude or supportive approach. Where previously the re-
lationship  was  regarded  as  less  or  of  little  importance,
now  the  relationship  and  its  quality  are  paramount.
Where  previously  the  parent  was  central  and  was  the
starting point and the measure, now the child is central

and  forms  the  starting  point  and  the  measure. Being  a
parent used to consist of holding on and staying in one's
role, in being a parent there is now room for being able
to let go (for a while) and knowing how to step out of his
role, the parent is thus more than just being a parent.

Parenting  thus  depends  on  many  actors  as  well  as  on
existing  factors  and  processes  that  influence  the  child
and its development. In this way, forces specific to actors
can be activated or addressed in parenting, some factors
can be influenced in favor and existing processes can be
optimized and activated in a targeted manner.

Education is fundamental to one's life and development.
It lays a foundation for one's functioning and influences
one's later thinking and experience and one's behavior
and  dealings.  It provides  both  forms  and  contents  that
help guide

someone’s life and direction. It characterizes

someone for his further life and development. Education
is very unique, so is its influence and impact. It is at the
root of difference. Education can be more or less impli-
cit, but it is never neutral.

So much scientific research has already been done, that
this requires order and systematization.  This systema-
tization  allows  to  get  an  overview  of  the  various
(researched)  parental  situations  and  opportunities.    In
this way it allows you to situate yourself as a parent or
young person and to discover and oversee the available

possibilities.  This way, an informed choice and selection
can be made of what fits best with you and the situation
and this can be added.  For example, it allows you to si-
tuate yourself as a parent or young person in what you
do and is possible.

This encyclopedia is not so much about how to get con-
trol  of  your  child's  upbringing  as  an  adult.  Rather,  it  is
about how to influence your child's upbringing with res-
pect for your child as a person. The first finds its origin
mainly  in  science,  the  second  in  philosophy  and  ethics
around  it.  The  first  is  hierarchical,  the  second  egal  and
solidary. Science is one, how you deal with its findings is
two. After all, it is up to you to find out how you can deal
with  the  various  scientific  findings  and  what  they  can
mean for you. Freedom of choice and space for this, ta-
king into account your own actions and your concrete si-
tuation,  are  crucial.  You  can  read  more  about  this  in
'Deontology  in  parenting  aid'  (Franck, 1989)  and in  the
theme section 'From control culture to influence culture'
of this encyclopedia.

This differs from parenting information that is often pre-
sented as parenting advice in a or-or form. In this case,
the  proposed  form  of  parenting  is  presented  as  prefe-
rable, or as the mode of parenting. Other types of paren-
ting  are  then  often  presented  as  less  desirable,  or
avoided for a number of reasons listed. In this encyclo-
paedia, it has been decided to place valuable methods of

parenting side by side, with attention for their possibili-
ties and for how they are working process-wise. This is
more  about  an  and-and  story  with  attention  to  what
each of these modes of parenting can be used in which
specific situations.  This without wanting to pretend or
claim anything, but rather to contribute in a modest and
appropriate way.

Consequently, this work does not pursue a reductionist
or prescribing perspective. But there is rather taken an
expansive and informative perspective. There is no con-
verging  punctual  direction,  but  a  divergent  all-encom-
passing representation is sought. Education and paren-
ting are not reduced to something, but what is present
and what can be added is sought. It is also not attempted
to convince, but to stimulate one's own thinking.

For example, when attention is paid to the neuroscienti-
fic  contribution  to  parenting,  no  reduction  is  intended
from child or parent to their brain and its development,
but the brain is seen as involved in childhood and paren-
thood and the development of it. The aim is not to make
a point, but an attempt is made to cover all points and to
give them their place. Nothing is magnified for one's own
story, but rather everything is nuanced for the multitude
of stories. Not one presentation is central, but space is
offered  for  several  presentations.  Also,  not  too  far-
reaching distractions are made with regard to parenting
practice, but an attempt is made to stick to the research

facts. Informing, not advising is the order of the day. Des-
cribing,  not  confirming  or  indicating  preference  is  the
orientation.

In  the  encyclopaedia,  the  emphasis  is  on development
and parental processes, interactions and contexts.  Not
so much the development and  parental factors or cha-
racteristics. Factors and characteristics lead (too) easily
to labels and categories that are difficult to get rid of and
that focus unilaterally on something as if nothing else is
out  there.  Processes,  interactions  and  contexts  rather
offer a description that forms a basis for acting and dea-
ling with it. They are rather diffuse and leave room for
something  outside.  The  emphasis  is  therefore  not  so
much on what and who.  The emphasis is more on how
and  which.    Which  processes  and  influences  are  no-
ticeable  for  both  parents  and  children  and  how  these
processes  and  influences  could  be  anticipated  to  opti-
mize them for development and upbringing.  In this way,
parenting  is  conceived  as  a  development  and  learning
process in which you can grow.  This is done without si-
tuating the origin of the less fluent education with you,
and not you as only responsible to succeed.    Similarly,
this  work  helps  to  understand  how  potentially  unfavo-
rable  processes,  such  as  polarization  and  radicalization
processes, arise and work, by means of the central con-
cept  of  cognitive  or  character.  It  then shows you how
you  can  work  on  depolarization  and  deradicalisation

from this insight.  Finally, it also indicates how these pro-
cesses may link up with existing failures and disruptions.

In this sense, the encyclopedia is psycho- and socio-edu-
cational.  With psycho- and socio-education is meant to
give  more  insight,  more  vigor  and  more  control  by  ex-
plaining  exactly  what  is  going  on,  showing  which  pro-
cesses  (psycho)  and  interactions  occur  in  specific  con-
texts  (socio),  and  letting  experience  what  mechanisms
there  are  to  exert  influence  in  favor  and  which  me-
chanisms go away from what is unfavorable.  By giving
visibility, by articulating and by making it experienceable
and workable, further skill can grow o act with more in-
sight and more impact.

The  encyclopaedia  aims  to  provide  a  certain  level  of
meta in concrete thinking and acting as a parent and tea-
cher in daily educational situations.  So there is not only
what  you  think  and  do,  but  also  a  certain  awareness.
This  way,  an  insight  and consideration  moment  can  al-
ways be built-in.  In this way, you can also incorporate a
moment of choice into your reaction, so that a reaction
with  added  value  becomes  possible.    Because  of  this
greater awareness, you can better tailor your interaction
and better situate yourself between other possible reac-
tions.  Your reflection creates more room to better at-
tune your actions to perceived needs for guidance with

your child.  By keeping a mental view, by following, thin-
king ahead, guiding and reflecting, you get a better grip
on your actions.

By being able to situate yourself better, you also get to
know yourself better.  Like what is typical of your way of
thinking and acting and who you are.  Which, moreover,
this specifically goes back and at when somewhere be-
fore.  This way you discover how what is specific to you
may be a resource, or a stand in the way, and how you
can change this.

Rather than questioning parent- and teacher-dealing, it
wants to offer a basis for this action.  Parents and tea-
chers  can  experience  support  through  this  substantia-
tion.  It also makes it clear to them how they can evolve
in their actions and offers the necessary support to know
these steps.

Rather  than  indicate  anything  from  the  outside  about
the  what  and  how  of  parenting  and  teacher-behavior.
From the inside the starting point is the what and how of
parent  and  teacher-dealing  with  respect  for  their  own
context.  What and how something is for the parent or
teacher.  This should allow not to seek answers, but to
come to formulate their own answers.  Rather than at-
tempt to provide answers, parents and

teachers are sup-

ported to come up with their own answers and so gain own
power and strength.

Parents  are rather  presented  as  experienced  and  com-
petent. Parenting is not approached too quickly as if it is
beyond  their  possibilities  and  power.  Parenting  is  also
not taken for granted. Nor is it taken for more, rather for
otherwise.  Parenting is quite a challenge and difficulties
are considered to be associated with it. These difficulties
are often tied to the development phase of the child. By
informing parents, an attempt is made to increase their
options for action and to allow them to gain their own
and shared strength, so that they can cope with their ac-
tual challenges. However, if the problems encountered
threaten  to  exceed  their  own  possibilities  and  forces,
outside  help  is  recommended.  This  may  be  due  to  the
increase in problems, their timeliness, their intensity, du-
ration  or  recurrence.  Even  then  parents  can  be  sup-
ported  from  their  vulnerability  to  have  an  increasing
share in the solution together with the child.

In a school context, there is a clear question of how to
stimulate social behavior so that young people develop
to deal responsibly with their environment and so that
roughness of behavior can be prevented. The develop-
ment of healthy behavior and learning and work strate-
gies also require attention. As well as learning to control
someone own behavior and dealing with stress and ten-
sion. In many countries, therefore, understanding expe-
riences and behavior is central in a school context.  This
to  acquire  competences  that  help  development  and
learning.

In the encyclopedia the development of the child is put
central.    To  make  this  possible,  parenting  can  make  a
contribution.    In  the  encyclopaedia  this  development-
supporting  meaning  and  function  of  upbringing  is  ad-
dressed.

To give space to the own character of the child and the
adult and let them come to their right, is a central star-
ting point.  Rather than disturbing present processes and
interactions, trying to them gain quality.  Attempts are
made to make what is and happens visible and to offer
possibilities to improve the quality of the interaction.

The  whole  was  developed  from  a  supportive  perspec-
tive,  for  both  parent  and  child,  in  which  polarization  is
prevented.    This  happened  by  not  thinking  in  terms  of
(unfavorable) judgments: such as

‘spoiled’ or 'ungrateful

children

’, 'unrespectful', 'unreasonable', ‘boundless’ or

'egocentric

’ young people, or ‘overprotective' or 'pam-

pering parents

’, or 'mu

tually opposed’ or ‘

uncertain ma-

king' pedagogical experts.  In other words, there is atten-
tion,  not  for  what  goes  wrong  and  who  is  wrong,  but
there  is  attention  to  how  together  from  everyone's
strength the quality can be improved.  So that it does not
turn out to be who is faced with whom, but it is a search
for what to support together.  In this way not choosing
the track of more panic with negative representation of
children,  young  people,  parents  and  pedagogical  ex-
perts. Such as, for example, the child as a risk or problem

child, the upbringing shifted to school education, experts
as depriving spontaneity and intuition and alienating.

Support  is  not  provided  here  for  the  sake  of  not  being
able to handle it alone, which might support suggest. It
is based on their own autonomy and independence. Nor
is it an attempt to make parents professionals, but more
competent and with more options and possibilities, ba-
sed on their own autonomy. No attempt is made to strive
for or achieve professionalism for parents while maste-
ring all possibilities. But it is precisely to allow parents to
explore useful new possibilities based on their own act-
ions, situation and strength. This without feeling obliged
to choose with so much freedom and possibilities.

Parenting support therefore does not have the connota-
tion that parents can no longer or are not allowed to do
it alone. On the contrary, it tries to respect and streng-
then their independence, without imposing anything on
them, but making alternatives available. So that they can
still  gain  in  self-assurance  and  self-confidence.  For
example, the quality of upbringing can be further enhan-
ced by making information available if it is desired.

In  this  encyclopedia  it  was  decided  not  to  do  this  in  a
language  for  professionals  or  experts,  but  to  opt  for  a
universal  design  when  providing  insights  and  behavior.
Preference  is  given  to  the  language  of  parents  or  tea-
chers.  Even more, where possible, preference was given

to  the  language  of  the  child  or  the  young  person  to
whom it ultimately goes.  Not what professionals say, but
what can something mean to me as an adult, or how can
it be useful for the child or the young person in develop-
ment.

Rather than winning the reader for something in the en-
cyclopedia, an attempt is made to bring together multi-
ple insights and to possibly build bridges.  Attempts are
being made to broaden the horizon so that a better lo-
cation of one's own upbringing situation and action, and
a more specific choice and response become possible.

Sometimes  focusing  on  parental  competence  is  called
demanding and disruptive, as this would result in paren-
tal insecurity and confusion.  It is meant that a scientific
approach would have insufficient eye and respect for its
own complex educational reality and would require pro-
fessionalism.

In  other  words,  use  is  made  here  of  a  distinction  bet-
ween an empirical scientific perspective with diagnoses
and advice and a philosophical framework and meta-ap-
proach that allows for more personality and more speci-
fically the individuality of the parent, the child and their
context.  The first is then indicted and the second then
acts as prosecutor.

However,  this  latter  philosophical  insight  may  still  re-
quire  more  competence  than  to  conform  to  empirical
findings.    In  this  encyclopedia  both  dimensions  are
treated as competences for this purpose, the first empi-
rically-scientifically  substantiated  with  emphasis  on  in-
forming  and  not  advising,  the  second  as  philosophical-
scientific and ethical with emphasis on own experience
and thinking.    These two dimensions or layers are ap-
proached in encounter with each other and in what they
can mean for each other.

As  scientific  knowledge  increases,  some  scientists
become worried about the use of this knowledge.  They
fear  that  scientific  diagnoses  and  advice  make  parents
insecure.  They suggest that parents better follow their
own  compass  and  gut  feeling  and  ignore  scientific  in-
sights  and  findings.    At  most  they  can  exchange  ideas
with each other as experience experts.   With a risk today
of 'sharenting', where via the social media too much con-
tent  about  or  outgoing  from  own  children  is  shared,
therefore  also  called  'oversharenting'.    In  this  sharing
with each other, more and more organization is pursued,
in accordance with the trend towards the socialization of
care as no longer just a matter for the government. Pa-
rents, citizens, volunteers and professionals work toge-
ther  around  everything  related  to  education,  from  the
motto upbringing, you don’t do it as a parent alone. So
locally  organized  volunteer  work  is  linked  to  informal
educational help, also known as educational civil society.

With  the  risk,  however,  of  an  unequal  distribution  of
upbringing support through initiative from below.  In this
context,  social  meeting  spaces  with  a  range  of  games
and  meeting  options  are  provided,  without  specific  di-
rection  or  preconceived  purpose.  Parents  and  children
can  meet  each  other  and  exchange  experiences  and
ideas that can be enriching. Parents find recognition and
social and emotional support there, can learn from each
other and, through the diversity encountered, better si-
tuate and measure themselves and their actions. In this
way  they  can  gain  self-confidence  and  a  sense  of  self-
worth.  The importance of support from one's own social
network is also pointed out. Research by the Social Cul-
tural Planning Office in the Netherlands shows in parti-
cular that support from one's own social network often
has positive effects and advantages for parents. Howe-
ver, it can sometimes also bring uncertainty, as it turns
out.  It also appears that being able to fall back on a social
network is less often possible for parents in a vulnerable
position.  There  appeared  to  be  limits  to  the  support
sought for privacy reasons and out of shame, parents do
not always want to share their situation and problems.

Another fear is that parents would blindly follow scienti-
fic  developments  closely  and  become  afraid  of  making
mistakes by deviating from them in their thinking and ac-
tions.  That  instead  of  more  options,  only  one  way  and
manner would remain. This out of concern for parents to

disadvantage  their child or  even  cause  harm.  This  con-
cern is stronger in Anglo-Saxon countries. More specifi-
cally,  the  numerous  recent  neuroscientific  findings
would oblige parents to follow a neurodiscourse in  pa-
renting that focuses primarily on the brain development
of their child. As if their child and its development could
be reduced to this. There is then talk of one-sided neu-
roparenting  that  would  limit  both  the  parent  and  the
child in their freedom. But here too it appears that it is
not  entirely  possible  to  eliminate  parenting  insecurity,
that  a  nuanced,  faithful  and  appropriate  translation  of
research is necessary if it is to be useful and that it is dan-
gerous to reduce the child to its brain and parenting to
development of its brain.

Because we start from the independence and autonomy
of parents and young people and we only want to streng-
then and support parents and young people, rather than
confuse and weaken them, we chose to inform parents
and young people about the various available knowledge
and  the  range  of  also  new  possibilities.  In  this  way  we
want to leave the initiative to parents and young people
to inform themselves and make or strengthen their own
choices. This all is not based on a weakness or gap that
must be eliminated, on the contrary, parents and young
people  are  recognized  and  validated  in  their  strengths
and forces. The optics are therefore rather bidirectional,
what can each learn from each other, rather seeking ba-
lance  and  dosed,  which possible  contribution  each  can

have and not reducing or persistent, but just opening up
and expanding with the necessary nuances.  Perhaps to
join forces here too and find out together and agree on
how it best can be done, as a joint quest that offers op-
portunities for better ideas and dealing with more well-
being.

We outline the various options, so that this information
is available if required, without including the expert role
of diagnostician or consultant.  Leaving users all (paren-
tal) freedom.  Our point of view here is not to withhold
parents  or  young  people  from  scientific  information  or
to put them in perspective.  In this way we hope to allow
them  to  inform  themselves  about  what  they  are  doing
and what is possible in addition.

So this work is not about telling parents what to do. It's
more about pointing out options. No formulations as ad-
vice to be followed, but offering a possibility and oppor-
tunity to think for themselves and make their own choi-
ces.  Taking  into  account  available  information,  one's
own situation and one's own strength.

The encyclopaedia is primarily focused on a preventive
educational approach.  This does not alter the fact that
a lot of information can be used in a more problematic
educational framework.

For each theme section at the back, a number of questi-
ons are provided for inspiration. They can help concre-
tize and apply the insights and methods provided.

What is addressed in education in a micro environment,
such as the family, can have a certain relevance for the
interaction in a macro environment, such as the society.
Similar  stresses  as  a  result  of  communication  and  in-
fluencing methods can, for example, be recognized.  At
the same time, solution methods linked to more harmo-
nious communication and influence methods in a family
context can be meaningful in a broader social and cultu-
ral context.  The how has many parallels, even if the who
is something different.

Often the challenge is even greater in the family, given
the  close  and  continuous  life  of  relatively  few  people,
while in the society there is more distance, temporality
and a larger and wider whole.  In the family the conse-
quences and repercussions are immediate, in society the
consequences  and  repercussions  require  a  little  more
time, although they may be far-reaching.

From now on you can also listen to the alphabetically ar-
ranged parenting themes as a podcast. This can be done
by  opening  the  part  of  the  encyclopedia  in  which  your
chosen  theme  can  be  found  and  then  downloading  it
with the download symbol at the top. You can then open

this  downloaded  file  from  Word.  In  Word,  choose  Re-
view and then Read Aloud. You can then go to the desi-
red parenting theme and listen to the fragment as a pod-
cast  with  the  play  arrow.  Enjoy  listening!  If  necessary,
convert PDF to Word and save a copy. Once you've figu-
red  out  how  it  works,  it's  very  user-friendly.  Playing  a
dash  of  quiet  or  classical  music  in  the  background  in  a
split screen view can complete the picture.

All information in the encyclopaedia has been collected
and compiled with great care.  However, no responsibi-
lity can be taken for the content and use thereof.  Con-
sultation and use are entirely under your own responsi-
bility.

The content of the encyclopedia can be quoted with re-
ference of the source.

Where around

In the encyclopaedia, special attention is given to the re-
ferential thinking & working model. In English referential
model. This referential thinking & working model is gra-
dually making its appearance in the care and healthcare
sector and integrates many of the existing thinking and
working models by taking a step further. It does this by
systematizing  the  existing  models  and  incorporating
them into a larger sustainable whole with its own con-
ceptual  framework. Particularly  insight  into  the  often

problematic  processes  present  and  making  a  switch  to
more favorable processes is one of its assets. To this end,
the referential model is simultaneously process-oriented
(neural  and  mental),  action-oriented  &  context-
oriented.    She  relates  these  different  orientations  to
each other and visualizes their mutual links.

More  specifically,  attention  is  given  to  what  parenting
and guidance models refer to, the where around, to give
them  a  place  opposite  each  other  and  to  make  visible
what can still be added, the where to, in order to arrive
at a total picture. In particular, it wants to provide more
insight into the often problematic processes present in
someone's development, the where around, in order to
make a switch to more favorable development proces-
ses, the where to. On an individual level, it thus wants to
help to gain insight into what it is all about for someone,
the where around, to get from here to what it could be
about for someone, the where to.

The  model  shows  affinities  with  the  emerging  schema
thinking & working model, the current identity question
and the evolving evidence-based information processing
theory  with  neuroscientific  roots. It  expands  the  con-
textual model further.

Referential represents what something is about. What is
in the center and is the essence.  By being aware of this
in its various forms, what revolves around what is in the

center and forms the essence, can be changed. The re-
ferential approach wants to create space to make visible
what  plays  a  central  role  in  a  person's  functioning  and
functioning  together,  but  is  difficult  to  make  visible
because we are so close to it. It wants to make resources
available from visibly made processes to optimize what
is so central, so that a better personal and cooperative
functioning  can  ensue. From  the  referential  it  is  just  a
step towards the (p)referential.

In this approach, attention is given to the cognitive, the
virtual and the cultural in individuals and groups of indi-
viduals. This as inner core elements, also called cognitive
and cultural schemes, around which it can turn with so-
meone or a group.   These mental elements are brought
together to describe and predict the influence and direc-
tion of individual and group behavior. It shows how each
participates  in  his  own  understanding,  behavioral,  and
contextual filling of his inner schemas and how this has
an  orientation,  steering  and  limiting  effect  on  his  own
expression and his own actions. In addition to the collec-
tive linguistic filling of used concepts, there is a personal
psychological  filling  of  these  concepts  that  determine
what something is or should be for each, how you do or
should  do  something,  and  where  and  when  to  achieve
something.

The referential model allows to visualize what is linked

and what refers to each other in its coherence and con-
gregation, to put it in its proper context and to help on
the way to from a new perspective. This way connections
can be made visible and what makes reference to some-
thing else made aware. This way the larger picture can
be  mapped. As  a  result,  possible  obstacles  can  be  de-
tected  and  forces  released. This  way difficulties can be
given  a  place  and  problems  solved. Like,  for  example,
how negative experiences can stand in the way, or how
someone remains excessively stuck to unusable beliefs,
or how certain emotions and desires stand between so-
meone and his environment, or how someone threatens
to fall victim to unrealistic plans or unattainable dreams,
and more.

Schemes  can  help  explain  why  we  do  not  so  easily
change opinions or feelings. First, there is a tendency to
retain  an  already  developed  cognitive  or  emotional
schema. As a result, we will only or preferably note what
fits within our schemes. This is how we protect our per-
sonal truth. Secondly, there is a tendency to defend our
schemes. We evoke thoughts and arguments ourselves
in  accordance  with  our  already  developed  schemes  or
beliefs. Thirdly, if we want or need to change or change
our  schemes,  we  do  this  only  step  by  step  or  by  little
bits. We only shift a little each time.

Thinking  in  terms  of  schemes  around  which  something

turns or is about and which are disturbed is already com-
mon  to  researchers  and  professionals. This  includes,
among  others,  identity  questions,  agression,  schema
therapy,  diagnosis  and  treatment  of  anorexia,  trauma
treatment, suicidal and attachment problems.  Schemes
often play a mediating role between what used to be in
the less favorable development and what is expressed at
a later stage.

In this work this is supplemented with schemes with un-
disturbed  development  in  a  favorable  framework. For
example,  schemas  can  be  dimensionally  situated  on  a
continuum of a non-disturbed with an average develop-
ment to a disturbed in a problematic development.   Dif-
ferent degrees can then be recognized.

This approach deals extensively with seeing what we ex-
pect to see: such as our own anxieties and fears, desires
and wishes, ideas and benefits. This is possible without
the fact that something in reality corresponds with this
as present, or as is so, or as corresponds with to those
expectations.

But also that, as a rule, we do not notice what is not ex-
pected, because it is not feared, is not demanded or is
not proposed. Even though it is present or present in re-
ality, but not in expectation.
This  is  also  sometimes  described,  if  too  pronounced,
distorted and/or too one-sided, as living in a world of its

own or a bubble of its own.  Here the reality is replaced
by personal memories, ideas, expectations, dreams and
fears without a real link to reality. What lives inside is so-
metimes described as facts that can take the form of 'fa-
ke' or 'alternative' facts and do not correspond with rea-
lity.

The referential thinking & working model is substantia-
ted with scientific findings from recent research and thus
translates research into practice. It forms a scientific up-
date of existing insights.   So she added to these insights
the  contextual,  the  cognitive,  the  neuroscientific,  the
cultural and the virtual dimension. Psychology is thus not
only in function of behavior and psychic behavioral pro-
cesses, but also in function of behavioral conditions. In
other words, the referential model is not a theory, but
forms a framework in which scientific research  find his
place.  It arose from a fragmentation of insights and me-
thods in the field of pedagogy and guidance that had no
binding agent.

(P)referential in the title of the encyclopedia has a dual
meaning. When talking about parenting, there is often a
preferential undertone : 'You can best do that.' However,
this  encyclopedia  uses  an  informative  point  of  view  -
hence the p in brackets. It wants to clarify what it refers
to in the various types of parenting. As where it revolves
around, so that this or that direction is not unconsciously
taken. What is parenting about and where thus it goes

to, together, where to go to or is referential. In addition,
there is a second reason for using (p)referential. Perhaps
or  possibly  the  conscious  own  choice  for  certain  and
multiple references in parenting is preferred and is pre-
ferential.

In summary, the initial p is stripped of the initial prefe-
rential,  in  order  to  become  aware  of  what  is  central  in
different  ways  of  parenting.  Later,  after  clarification  of
several references to where parenting refers, it is possi-
ble  to  make  a  consciously  and  own choice  for  multiple
references as what is perhaps or possibly preferential -
in this way referential gets its initial p back.

On this scientific encyclopedia is worked for years.   This
encyclopaedia wants to be an available precipitation of
this innovative work.  Hopefully it finds its way to inte-
rested parties and end users.

A  total  of  12  volumes  are  available  with  alphabetically
ordered  (p)referential  parenting  and  guidance  compo-
nents.   Each of these theme items is self-contained and
can be used separately.   At the same time, themes are
integrated into the larger whole that forms the encyclo-
paedia.

Even though the scientific encyclopaedia is arranged alp-
habetically, some emphases can be indicated of what is
dealt with in the individual parts:

In part one and two it is mainly about attention, care and
well-being

for

reality. For

example, communica-

tion and dynamics  are central  to  Part  1  and  Section  2
describes behavior and well-being.

In part three and four it is mainly about attention, care
and well-being for yourself.  For example, in part 3 inte-
raction and image formation is central and in part 4 mo-
dels and learning.

In part five and six it is mainly about attention, care and
well-being for the other person.  For example, in section
5 guidance and development  is central  and  in  section
6 parenthood and parenting.

In part seven and eight it is mainly about attention, care
and well-being for the relationship.  For example, in sec-
tion 7 the reactive and (problem) solution is central and
in part 8 relational and referential.

Part 9 and 10 focus primarily on attention, care and well-
being for the environment and context.  For example, in
section  9 social  interaction  and  schema  development
is central and in part 10 language and change.

In parts eleven and twelve, it is mainly about attention,
care  and  well-being  for  the  whole  of  the  mind.    For
example,

section

11, connection and valuation

are central and in section 12 world- and self-orientation.

The  attention,  care  and  well-being  offered  in  each  of
these  areas  can  lead  to  a  more  optimal  handling,  rela-
tionship  and  connection  in  each  of  these  areas.  In  the
contact-oriented,  relationship-oriented  and  connecting
parenting, there  is  increasing  interest  in  this.  Attention
stands  for  mental  in  mind,  care  stands  for  behavior
around  and  well-being  stands  for  the  desired  experi-
enced reality. All this can best be achieved from devel-
oping competence.

In each of the scientific parts the emphasis is always on
two  complementary  facets  or  processes  of  parenting
and  counseling.  One  facet  is  for  the  share  of  parent(s)
and  supervisor(s).  The  complementary  facet  is  for  the
child's  share  in  development.  One  process  takes  place
with  parent(s)  and  supervisor(s),  the  complementary
with the child. Both complementary facets or processe
anticipate and influence each other. No matter how dif-
ferent, they always form a whole. These complementary
facets are thematically broader across the parts.

These complementary facets are successively:
communication and own dynamics (part 1),
behavior and well-being (part 2),
interaction and image formation (part 3),
models and learning (part 4),
guidance and development (part 5),
parenthood and parenting (part 6),

the reactive and (problem) solution (part 7),
relational and referential (part 8),
social interaction and schema development (part 9),
language and change (part 10),
connection and valuation (part 11),
world- and self-orientation (part 12 & 12bis).

This broadening of the demands of parents can also be
found in the top 5 in the Netherlands of questions about
parenting, obtained on the basis of national and provin-
cial research reports.  This has also been taken into ac-
count in the classification.

This top 5 of parenting questions is:
1: General development of children, health and child di-
seases, can be found in
communication and own dynamics (part 1) and
behavioral behavior and well-being (part 2),

2:  Behavior  of  children,  especially  difficult  and  'disobe-
dient' behavior, can be found in
interaction and imaging (part 3) and
models and learning (part 4),

3:  Setting  limits,  listening  and  'obeying',  correcting  and
punishing, reflected in
counseling and development (part 5),
parenthood and upbringing (part 6) and
the reactive and (problem) solution (part 7),

4: Socio-emotional development, self-confidence, uncer-
tainty and (failure) anxiety, reflected in
relational and referential (part 8) and
social interaction and schema development (part 9),

5: General educational questions and skills, to be found
in
language and change (part 10),
connection and valuation (part 11) and
world and self-orientation (part 12 & 12bis).

Today, the referential model is unintentionally more cur-
rent than ever. Today, more and more tendencies can be
observed in society to break through and abolish the tra-
ditional  gender,  ethnic  and  class  categories  and  divi-
sions. This sometimes leads to new and other more va-
ried  categories  and  dividing  lines  with  a  larger  assort-
ment. Sometimes all divisions and distinctions are lifted.
Everyone can then fill in everything themselves and ac-
cording to their own preference and dosage, so that col-
lective  labels  and  associated  valuation  are  no  longer
useful. This is often linked to accepting and appreciating
everything  and  everyone,  called  woke.  The  referential
model  describes  the  underlying  processes,  including
how to bring about change.

Some short visual illustrations of possible application of
referential thinking and working

animation presentation

I would like to laugh,
but I feel sad!

We try to solve upcoming problems,
while we do not pay attention to
what there is, what works and what
is feasible!

I am always excluded and then I feel unsafe.
I would love to belong to the group and count
as someone, so I could feel safe.

Our child can easily divide us, for whom our
child chooses.
Instead of competing, we could also discuss
together, support and follow each other!

I prefer other parents as experi-
ential experts to share things.

I choose to exchange thoughts
and experiences as parents and
to form myself as thus.

I prefer experts to help
me with this.

I choose to learn and increase
my competence as a parent.

Can you be realistic
and child friendly!

I am friendly and
warm!

I am principled!

Look differently,
react differently

How a child experiences a social situation or event, will
strongly determine his reaction. This reaction can be a
favorable starting point for children with whom it is con-
cerned. This reaction can also form an unfavorable star-
ting point for the reaction of the other children. The re-
action of the first child is determined by the way it per-
ceives the situation or the event, how it experiences and
interprets it. The child can change little about the situa-
tion or the event. The child can also change little how
the children will respond to his reaction. It may, howe-
ver, try to change its unfavorable perception into a more
favorable one. In this way it can react differently, so that
it gives the other children the chance to react more fa-
vorably and differently.

How a child experiences a situation or event, will
greatly determine its response.

In summary :
How a child looks, not only determines his reaction, but
largely also the reaction of the other children.
If we want to influence the reaction of the other children,
we will have to change the way of looking of the child.

Below are three situations, find out for yourself how the
child can turn his reaction, but also that of the other
child, by a more favorable experience. In order not to get
stuck in the 'unfavorable situation' and the unfavorable
reaction of the other child, it can try to change its per-
ception so that it can react differently. As a result, the
child can develop the sense of having a grip on a difficult
situation and not being dependent on it, or having to un-
dergo the helplessness.

1.
Situation:
looks at me
To experience :
Thinks I am weird
My reaction :
look away and do not dare to do anything
say or do
Consequence:
The other child is really staring at me now

against themselves. This immediately implies an unfavo-
rable  starting  point  for  the  reaction  of  other  children,
who may feel misunderstood in some way or who per-
ceive that they are faced with someone who is a model
for self-discernment.

Children with such less favorable perceptions can be hel-
ped by helping them in addition to their first spontane-
ous unfavorable experience to find a second experience
that is more favorable. Not from a painful past but from
a hopeful self-challengers future. To take the height of a
less  tense  factual  reality  that  is  more  nuanced. On  the
basis of this image, which is closer to reality, one can opt
for  a  reaction  towards  the  other. This  immediately  im-
plies a more favorable starting point for the reaction of
the other person, who feels addressed and experiences
someone who is open and approach-able.

Since the first emotional reflex has often become an au-
tomatism,  the  child  will  always  have  to  go  beyond  this
automatism in order to arrive at a second more realistic
experience, closer to the other and themselves. A diffi-
culty  here  is  that  the  emotional  reflex  is  always  faster
than  the  reality-based  reaction. The  child  will  have  to
make every effort, until the new experience has gradu-
ally  become  an  automatism. In  this  way  the  child  can
come from a defensive or protective attitude to a more
involved and cooperative attitude.

red

is unfavorable perception,

green

is favorable perception

Below are three situations, find out for yourself how the child can turn its reaction,
but also that of the other child, by a more favorable experience.

In order not to get

stuck in the 'unfavorable situation' and the unfavorable reaction of the other child,
it can try to change its perception so that it can react differently.

As a result, the

child can develop the sense of having a grip on a difficult situation and not being
dependent on it, or having to undergo the helplessness.

Situation:

looks at me

To experience :

Thinks I am weird

My reaction :

look away and do not dare to
do anything

say or do

Consequence:

The other child is really staring
at me now

Situation:

sticks tongue out

To experience :

hate me

My reaction :

turn my eyes down

and walk away

Consequence:

the other child starts to laugh
laughter

Situation:

laughs at me

To experience :

laughs with me

My reaction :

sting out tongue

Consequence:

The other child laughs even har-
der

Situation:

looks at me

To experience :

shows interest in me

My reaction :

stands still, watch back en
asks what happens

Consequence:

winks at me as recognition

Situation:

sticks tongue out

To experience :

does funny to me

My reaction :

run to him

Consequence:

make himself a joke about
tongue

Situation:

laughs at me

To experience :

likes me

My reaction :

teases with his tongue

Consequence:

is running to me

In summary :
The first old experiencing, feeling, thinking, imagining the
other and themselves and reacting in a situation will gra-
dually  consciously  be  replaced  by  sustained  effort  by  a
second new experiencing, feeling, thinking, imagining the
other and themselves and reacting.

In this way the child can gradually start from leaving be-
hind the situation and children with which to make, and
come to an on the way to the situation and the children
with whom it wants to deal.

Because of emotional automatism, the environment and
the child will have to pay sufficient attention to the actual
realism.

The  situation  and  the  children  that  are  dealt  with  will
have to be stripped of their own less favorable associati-
ons  and  thus  provide  space  for  more  favorable  helping
connections.  Deconstruction can thus provide space for
new construction.

This is not an easy task for the child, which obviously has
his feelings of insecurity, less trust in other children and
self-doubt. For these feelings, the necessary space must
certainly also be offered relational.

However,  if  the  child  does  not  want  to  become  even
more victim of these feelings, with the risk that they still

increase in size and intensity, then it needs positive so-
cial confirmation. The child can increase the chances of
this  by  believing  that  the  perceived  insecurity  and  the
less trust in others and themselves are only temporary
and that certainty and trust for him or her and in other
children must also be possible by finding opportunities
for this.

In  addition,  it  can  often  be  even  more  difficult  for  the
child if it encounters real unfavorable feelings and a truly
repulsive attitude with other children, which may be trig-
gered by their own reaction. Even then, when the child
encounters  unfavorable  feelings,  thoughts  and  inten-
tions with other children, it is necessary not to continue
this and to offer no longer any further opportunities for
it. But to make an attempt to reverse this yourself. The
grip on this situation and the reaction of the other child-
ren will otherwise be minimal in such a situation. Only by
taking  steps  to reverse  the  negative  spiral  by  a  second
more favorable perception of where to want to go in the
future, despite the perceived lack of openness and coo-
peration,  can  eventually  be  found  to  be  connected  to
other  children  and  to  awaken  step-by-step  a  different
feeling, thinking, meaning and reaction to them.

How parents can help ?  Recent research at Utrecht Uni-
versity shows that explanations parents give to child be-
havior helps young children to view the behavior of their
peers with less hostility. Young children are more easily

hostile or agressive when they think other children want
to hurt them. This is so when they interprets it as provo-
cation. Most children interpret ambiguous contempts as
accidental, some find them hostile. By framing social si-
tuations in a positive way, parents can let their child ex-
perience less hostility in their social world. This way they
can  reduce  the  chance  of  agressive  behavior.    Young
children rely primarily on their parents to help them un-
derstand their social world. Very often they talk to their
parents about dealing with their peers.

Recent research from the University of Illinois shows that
the  quality  of  friendships  in  children  can  be  influenced
by the benign or hostile finding of the intentions of peers
and by how they experience and express their own emo-
tions. The emotions present do not stand alone, but go
together with the activated cognitions in a social context
when  a  child  communicates  with  peers.  Both  interact
with each other. Here it is the emotion and its intensity
that motivates or stimulates the reaction and the cogni-
tion that gives direction to the reaction, friendly or hos-
tile. Children can respond more quickly when their hos-
tile judgment or bias is fed by stronger emotions. They
attack  other  children  or  ignore  other  children.  On  the
other hand, children can show a more positive behavior
towards friends if their friendly representation is combi-
ned with stronger emotions. Their friendship and inter-
action with each other is growing then.

Assertivity

A learning school for assertiveness

Assertiveness is not a given. It is something that can be
learned,  or  can  be  given  in  education.   It  is  not  some-
thing that you do or do not have. You have it to a certain
extent.

Assertiveness  is  not  an  easy-to-handle  skill.   If  you  use
too little of it, then you are subassertive and you achieve
little. If  you  use  too  much  of  it,  then  you  are  easily
agressive and you also achieve little.

In the first case you risk that others take over from you
because  you  are  subassertive. In  the  second  case  you

Assertiveness is the degree of self-confidence and
strength in your dealing with your environment.

It is something you have to a certain extent and that
you can develop further.
YOUTH THEME

Actually

I mean no …

I say no.

No !!!!!!!!!

ASSERTIVITY

easily collide with resistance and resistance from others
because  you  yourself  are  agressive  and  offensive  or
come across.

It  is  nice  that  assertiveness  gives  you  the  necessary
energy  and  strength  to  take  the  defense  of  your-
self.   Preferably  on  time.   In  particular,  it  can  be  esta-
blished that whoever waits and, above all, waits, gets it
hard to stand up for himself, or to stand up enough.   You
have already made too much space, or you are forced in
an ungrateful role to still save something.

Actually

I mean no …

I say no.

No !!!!!!!!!

A S S E R T I V I T Y

How to promote assertiveness and resilience develop-
ment

Communication assertiveness is an aspect of communi-
cation positioning. It is the degree of self-confidence
and strength with which you conduct a conversation and
move in your interaction with your environment, so that
possible influence or tenacity is the result of what is ex-
pressed and not of the perceived uncertainty and weak-
ness.

Attention can be paid to the belief in yourself, in your
own views and in your skills as a (conversation) partner.

Attention  can  be  given  to  expressing  assertiveness  in
what  and  how  something  is  expressed  through  both
speaking and body language.

You can pay attention to your own base, the personal
support and the self-contained responsibility for your ex-
pressions.

You can pay attention to how to resist or prevent pres-
sure from the other person.

You can also pay attention to how to create space for a
vulnerable attitude of yourself within a safe and trustful
relationship or environment.

Communication assertiveness is characterized by:

I know how to express my views, attitudes, feelings and
desires.

I clearly say what I think is important, desirable or neces-
sary for me.

I can easily make clear what I expect from the other per-
son.

I easily express my opinion in such a way that it is taken
into consideration.

I consider it my responsibility to express my feelings, my
experience, my needs and desires.

It's okay to ask what you want without feeling guilty and
without experiencing it as if the other person will judge
you.

In conversation, be attentive to his own (and possibly dif-
ferent) vision, opinion, preference or desire to have, to
recognize, to admit and to accept.

Let go of the idea not to have to listen to yourself what
your feelings, thoughts and needs are, because you can
not take them into account anyway and it only produces
disappointment and inner conflict.

Not from the idea of not having to listen to yourself, let-
ting others decide what to feel, think and want.

I dare to say and ask what I want.

To be able to convert my feeling and desire into an ex-
pression (yes, no, not yet, this non-, if not, will, will-not-
,-that-way, under-that-condition,. ..- feel).

I know how to express myself originally in a direct and
spontaneous way, not saved or restrained.

I feel comfortable with my personal experience, which I
believe to be right, so that I can express it in an open,
non-offensive way.

I know how to speak to the other person for myself and
for my expectations without contact-restraint.

In conversation, I know to ask for attention and to ask for
an 'account-with-'.

What you have to say, you express with conviction.

I dare to ask attention for myself and talk about myself
in conversation.

Connect and maintain in conversation with yourself and
with the other person.

Do not show too much restraint in conversation about
yourself and your feelings.

To talk to the other person with a positive and good
sense of self.

Consider whether you want to make your own views,
feelings, needs, plans or expectations dependent on or
subordinate to the other person, or want to come into
your own right with the other person.

For the satisfaction of your needs, make you lesser de-
pendent on the other person, by getting to know them
better in (conversation) interaction and choosing to
stand up for it yourself.

Getting to know yourself better and the reality around
you, to come to an optimal choice for you with more
(self)confidence.

I can speak enough in the 'I' form.

I know to (re)act in a timely, specific and focused way, to
prevent resistance and to use less power.

You know to express your appreciation or annoyance
about the other person.

Show your appealing or appealing-restraint attitude and
feelings towards the other person.

Do not let yourself be bothered or disturbed in conver-
sation  by  self-summoned  and  maintained  physical
(unrest,  sweating,  ...),  psychic  (self-doubt,  fear,  ...)  and
social  tensions  (acceptance,  inferiority,  ...),  by  not  fixa-
ting you, not to seek confirmation, not to declare taboo
for yourself and not to want to suppress it.

You follow your own feelings, ideas, thoughts, me-
mories, desires and actions with your attention and use
those that help you achieve something.

The way you talk and interact with yourself, what you
think of yourself and what you feel for yourself, radiate
outwards.

So approaching yourself positively and treating you that
it reflects on the other person.

In conversation experience yourself and the other per-
son as very special, personal and unusual.

In conversation, assume that it is not only what you give
to the other person or get from the other person (for at-
tention) that makes you valuable.

Letting go of the unbalanced idea that you only mean so-
mething to the extent that you make the other(s) happy.

Not saying the opposite of what I mean from self-doubt
or to be accepted or positive.

In wanting to give attention to yourself, not being stuck
in non-helping ways of expression, but chosing for more
effective  expressions:  (from  being  kind  is  always
agreeing,  to  indicating  how  to  what  extent  something
can be; from being helpful as forgetting yourself to how
you  want  to  help;  from  expressing  criticism  as  what  is
negative, to what you would like differently; ...).

Do not choose negative thoughts that generate negative
feelings (fear, insecurity, anger, ...), resulting in weak or
collapsing behavior.

Leave a feeling or a characteristic in yourself or enable
another that can be helpful or offer protection.

I do not compare myself in a negative way with the other
person (more, better, faster, ...).

From the eyes of the other person I do not negatively
compare myself with the other person (less, worse, slo-
wer, ...).

To find a sense of security in yourself.

I stand on my own, which means for me a sufficient de-
gree of independence, individuality, support, respect,
appreciation and future objective.

Feeling responsible for yourself.

Motivate yourself to organize your life yourself.

To assign yourself a place in the relation to the other(s)
(equal, partner, friend, ... fascinating, appealing, inte-
resting, ...).

Not being so concerned with the negative reaction of the
other or with the other that you dare not to say what you
think, feel and want.

Check whether you are inconvenienced by an excess of
fear (to lose) or a lack of courage (win).

In conversation I give attention not to let me too easy,
too much or too often do, influence or convince myself.

Doing attempts to persuade the other person and not
give up in advance or too quickly.

Making connection with neglected or hidden parts of
yourself and bring them out.

Leaving behind inaccurate ideas about yourself that you
have spoken to yourself as an apology to avoid un-
pleasant and difficult situations.

Leaving behind inaccurate ideas about yourself that
others gave you to stimulate you or reduce your re-
silience.

Creating a mental space for yourself and your actions
(knowing, being able, daring, allowing, willing, being,

... something and not having to know, being able, daring,
allowing, willing, being, ...everything).

Not imagining or experiencing too much distance bet-
ween yourself and the other person in order to be able
to clarify in conversation, convince the other person, not
surrender yourself too much and be able to maintain the
desired safe distance, and give yourself a valid chance to
at least to come to self-expression, a certain understan-
ding or a rapprochement.

If I have changed my mind, I can tell the other person.

What you know, want, feel, can and do letting follow the
same step.

I dedicate my expressive expression to what I want to
achieve with it.

Not expressing your compliance, indulgence, docility,
submissiveness, passiveness (subassertivity) in advance.

Knowing your own domain and helping the other person
to recognize it.

Finding to know your own domain and letting the other
accept it and take it into account.

I discuss the other person's expectations with me in a
sharply way.

I focus my willingness towards the other person in con-
versation.

I clearly and expressively indicate my limits to the other
person.

I expressively indicate the way in which I wish the others
deal with me.

I can resist the other in a conversation.

If the other person asks me something, I know, if I wish,
to ask for an explanation to determine my answer.

Choose for yourself what you want to bring to the fore-
ground and what you want to bring to the background in
yourself and in your (conversation) interaction.

Take into account that you do not be more against your-
self (know, can, may, dare, do not want) than against the
other person.

Rather than running after yourself with consistently
disappointing ratings, prefer to lead the way with posi-
tive expectations.

I know how to take the initiative to express myself rather
than to adopt a passive or wait-and-see attitude.

Allow yourself space to enjoy the (conversation) situa-
tion and to think how and what you can contribute to a
pleasant interaction.

I ask the other person what he/she likes to talk about or
do and in what way, I then choose something that I also
like and put the other vividly and concretely for what to
do together and ask the other person finally to partici-
pate.

I can express complaints in a conversation and engage in
a confrontation with the other person.

I don't let myself get out of my lead during a conversa-
tion.

I transfer something of myself to the other person.

I do not suggest, but react and react in time.

In a conversation I remain very confident.

As preferable leave it to the other to be emotional (an-
xious, excited, annoyed, bored, angry, ...).

In conversation, I do

n’t abandon myself or turn against

myself.

Having sufficient self-esteem to always be able to fall
back on yourself in difficult (conversation) cir-
cumstances.

If your perception, experience, thinking, feeling, needs,
imagination, bodyfeeling go in the same direction
(keeping safety, expressing yourself, being aware of
yourself, defending yourself, ...), then this will also be au-
dible, visible and tangible to the other.

With confidence, I occupy my body fully and express my-
self easily and clearly.

With my body expression I confirm and support what I
express with words.

In conversation you are not only occupied with yourself
and how you come across to the other person, but also
have enough attention to focus on the other person and
how it comes to you.

Do not only listen to the other person in conversation
and do not only talk to the other person and listen too
little to yourself and talk too little to yourself.

So preferable you move your own attention and thinking
focus from yourself to your action, or to the action of the
other person, or to the other person without having to
compare.

In a conversation I look at the other person and let my-
self be looked to.

So preferably deliberately and slowly express you au-
dible in order to let your voice give shine on you.

So helpful keep your insecurity, doubt, fear, excitement
inside and come out with self-assured calmness.

By my trustful, crystal-clear expression, I invite the other
person to the same expression.

The way I position myself in space reflects my place that
I know to take in relation to my surroundings.

To  experience  it  positively  for  you  and  to  find  yourself
valuable  enough,  you  bring  the  other  person  into
something  that  spontaneously  he  did  not  consider  or
choose on its own.

To ask questions should not be tied to who you are and
what your relationship is, but to whom you want to be
and what relationship you want.

I dare to come out with enough power.

In how you make yourself heard, seen or felt there is no
exaggerated expressing of uncertainty, hesitation, weak-
ness, shutting down, hiding, numbness, lack of meaning,
stopping needlessness.

Be careful that a too extreme presentation in one way or
another can reduce the hidden power, quality and indi-
viduality.

I express myself concisely in the matter.

Pretending to say and act where you still have to grow
up to, as with respect for the other person and yourself
expressing something and standing up for something.

In expressing myself and standing up for myself, I prefer
not to keep me from communicating, if the other person
does not want to listen, is hostile to me, criticizes me,
finds me unreasonable or ridiculous, constantly discou-
rages me or interrupts me, gets annoyed or out of ba-
lance.

I clearly indicate the obstacles and interruptions that the
other person brings about during a (conversation) inte-
raction.

I reconfirm my relationship to the other person in a po-
sitive way and then share with which concrete I have
which specific problem.

If I do not want to comment on something in a conver-
sation at the moment, I indicate this.

Showing sufficient self-confidence by daring to express
and formulate remarkable insecurity, doubt, fear, excite-
ment.

What you express does not represent a form of weak-
ness, but a way to become stronger (I know, dare, can,
... not, but I want or would like to know, dare, can ...).

Be aware that fear of saying or doing fades away by say-
ing or doing it.

Before, during or immediately after a conversation I do
not feel nauseous or sick.

I dare to leave my territory in conversation.

Through the content of the communication I can ques-
tion and change my actions without doubting my-
self.

Talking or reacting is not equal to losses for me.

To me, talking or reacting is equal to winning.

I know how to give and receive positive appreciation in
(conversation) interaction.

I do not adjust my message to the reaction I expect from
the other person.

I do not deny or do not simply cancel what I just expres-
sed.

I show that I mean it.

I can go against and with the other person's concerns
and criticisms.

In a conversation I can admit unevenly on the basis of
realities.

In a conversation I do not feel like I'm losing.

If it threatens to conflict, I will not shy away from this.

In a (conversation) interaction I only admit what I will ac-
tually be able to fulfill.

If the other person appeals to me in a way that does not
lie with me, I respond to this.

If I feel attacked or hurt, I can tell the other person.

When I want to convince the other person in a conver-
sation, I put enough power behind what I say.

I don't give up immediately or give in on some resistance.

In a conversation I do

n’t admit because of pressure.

I do

n’t give in to the unreasonableness of the other per-

son.

I enter into a (conversation) interaction with a lot of con-
fidence.

Feeling good, safe and dignified in (conversation) con-
tact helps me to come out for myself.

In (conversation) contact I strive for greater self-awa-
reness and self-reliance.

I don't equate standing up with wanting to dominate.

I can set myself open and be vulnerable in a confidential
situation.

I can immediately indicate a refusal of a request in a di-
rect and simple way with a short 'no' initial answer.

I can recognize that my fear of saying no comes mainly
from unjustified catastrophic thoughts and images (hurt
and repulse the other, make myself unsympathetic and
isolate myself, ...).

If I don't want to respond to something or refuse some-
thing, I say 'no' immediately after the other person has
formulated his question or proposal, while I shorten my
acknowledgment or appreciation and gratitude for the
proposal (no, thank you! no, that's great about the pro-
posal!

I can regard my negative reaction as an informative
event in which the position of the other person and his
question and the position of myself and my answer are
clearly clarified (I know that you think or feel this and

that you would like to, I feel and think differently and
can't or won't go into what you want, ...).

If desired, I can motivate a refusal with valid reasons or
as my own choice, without further explanation; I avoid
using weak reasons or excuses that provoke counter-ar-
gumentation and refutation.

I prefer to indicate that I do not want something rather
than that I cannot do something, in order to prevent at-
tempts to convince myself of my ability or the possibility
of it.

I indicate a short no-answer at the behavioral level, star-
ting with 'no, I ...' and the verb used in the question (no,
I am not going; no, I am not buying; ...) and with further
questions. I supplement this with 'because I ...' and the
same verb (because I don't go, ...).

If I don't want to respond to a question or comment from
the other person, I just listen without answering or reac-
ting.

If a refusal can come across as very antisocial or is diffi-
cult within my friendly relationship (not helping, not pay-
ing attention to, not taking into account, not responding
to, not using my possibilities, no effort for, hurtful to, ...)
I press my regret not being able to help in the requested
manner this time. If necessary, I indicate that I want to
help in a different way or make a better proposal that

suits me more and if necessary I ask how the other per-
son thinks I can help differently, and I ask about the con-
crete reason, circumstances, context or background of
his request what I can help for (practical, advice,...) or I
look together who could help and whether there is no
other solution.

If I'm afraid by refusing to hurt the other, I separate my
refusal from the intention to hurt the other (I don't want
to offend you at all, not harm you at all, not ignore you
at all, there's nothing personally, ...; you must not take it
as, do not think that you, ...; I can fully understand you, I
follow you without question, I believe you completely,
...; would you mind, can you accept it (from me), won't
you blame me, ...).

If I am afraid to refuse, I use the description of my per-
sonal situation as an explanation so that the other per-
son does not look for the origin in himself or your rela-
tionship (it does not suit me, it asks too much of me, I
have no experience with it, I'm afraid of it, I'm not going
to start it, I'm not able, I can't do it now, I can't do it, I
see no possibility, I can't combine it, ...) and I show my
willingness should my situation look different (willing if it
suits  me,  I  would  if  it  doesn't  ask  too  much  of  me,  if  I
would have experience, if I wouldn't be afraid of  it, if I
could , if it was possible for me, I would succeed, I can
combine it, ...).

If I am afraid to refuse to create a negative impression
about myself and to hurt myself, I indicate my attitude
and commitment to the general, the what as a principle
and rule, and I indicate my refusal to the particular, the
how as proposal and exception (normally yes, not now;
otherwise yes, if not; I want to belong, once I have to re-
nounce; ...).

If I am afraid to refuse due to the consequences for my
further  relationship  (being  rejected,  loss  of  the  other,
tensions, distance, being less liked, ...) I express my fear
of this, and I indicate hoping this wouldn't happen, while
expressing  my  relationship  desire,  I  indicate  that  I  will
take  the  risk  anyway  and  indicate  the  importance  of
speaking out or (re)acting in order to keep my relations-
hip clear and pure.

If I can't respond to something, I give the feeling for the
other person, and the difficulty for me and I give my pro-
posal for the other (what a pity or bad for you, I can't or
don't know now, shall we at another time.. .).

I try to avoid having to refuse something by sensing the
evolution of a situation in time and being ahead of the
other: I tell my willingness, my attitude, my availability,
my reaction, ... in advance, or I will not respond to some-
thing and change the subject if possible, or I will distance
myself from the situation or leave it in time.

How to keep
the

balans positive?

Something can go wrong, something can go along, some-
thing can contribute. It can be realized or is already rea-
lized, it can already be learned and acquired. It can offer
firmness. It  can  form  a  buffer. It  can  hold  a  reserve. It
can offer protection.

Something  can  disappoint,  something  can  counteract,
something  can  not  bear. It  may  be  absent  or  not  yet
okay,  it  can  not  yet  be  learned  and  acquired. It can in-
volve  weakness. It  can  pose  a  danger. It  can  form  a
gap. It can involve risk.

You can count on some things. Not on others.

How does the parent tilt the balance favorably?

WHAT LIVES :

MENTALITY

WHAT IS :

REALITY

WHAT HAPPENS :

ACTUALITY

RISK

PROTECTION

The more protection can be offered or found, the more
solidity, reserve and the larger the buffer.

The less risk can be taken or encountered, the less weak-
ness, danger and the smaller the gap.

You do not have much control. It's just like that.  You do
have  a  lot  of  control. It  is  how  you  think  and  how  you
want something. It is how you arrange and organize so-
mething. It is how you do something and deal with so-
mething.

The basic rule can be used here : whatever escapes you,
you can try to take care of what you do have, so that the
balance remains positive.  That the risks that are there
remain  relatively  smaller  than  the  protection  you  are
looking for and can find.

In this way, sufficient strength, reserve can remain or can
be found and a buffer can be provided.

Especially in times and in situations where there are fe-
wer problems, work can be done to provide more secu-
rity. There  is  more  time  and  space  for  this  and  people
usually  are  more  interested. What  is  possibly  missing,
however, is to grasp the importance and meaning of this.
There is yet no immediate need for it.

Because of the positive spiral in which you end up, there
is  more  chance  and  opportunity  to  develop  more
strength,  for  more  growth,  for  more strength. This  can
be  expressed  in  the  physical  field,  mentally  and  so-
cially. You and your child can have a better physical con-
dition, greater mental well-being and better social inte-
gration in a larger circle.

At times and in situations where things go less well, the
risk increases. There is less time and less space for buil-
ding up and the desire is largely missing. At such a mo-
ment, the necessity and usefulness of more safety is felt
most strongly. There is then most immediate need.

Because of the negative spiral in which you end up, there
is more chance and opportunity for the loss of more po-
wer, for relapse, for more weakness. This can manifest
itself physically, mentally and socially. Yourself and your
child will then easily suffer under a less favorable physi-
cal condition, under a reduced mental well-being and a
more limited social integration and in a smaller circle.

By coming to a situation with a positive spiral for a longer
period of time, a longer time can be avoided with a ne-
gative  spiral. The  positive  spiral  avoids  ending  up  in  a
tense situation. The absence of a negative spiral allows
for more lasting relaxation.

Within a positive spiral there are experiences of confir-
mation, of self-esteem, of a positive self-image, of self-
confidence that bring greater resilience.

Within a negative spiral, there are experiences of discou-
ragement,  a  low  sense  of  self-esteem,  a  negative  self-
image, a lack of self-confidence that show a greater vul-
nerability.

The presence of what offers protection reduces the in-
fluence of what constitutes risk.  It can also change the
way of a response to what involves risk. The resilience is
greater.

In  concrete  terms,  it  is  possible  to  eliminate  or  reduce
risk, or what constitutes risk to form its protective coun-
terpart, or add some protection and prevent what cons-
titutes  protection  is  transformed  into  its  risky  counter-
part.

This way an experienced injustice can be removed, or re-
duced as much as possible, and instead of the injustice,
it is possible to allow as much right as possible, to streng-
then the right and to avoid being slipped to injustice.

Removing  or  deconstructing  an  element  and  inserting
another element in its place and letting it come into its
own strength can act as a lever or catalyst to also reduce

WHAT LIVES :

MENTALITY

WHAT IS :

REALITY

WHAT HAPPENS :

ACTUALITY

RISK

PROTECTION

RISK

Place each of the elements below in one of the six provided boxes.
There are three risk elements, also called risk factors.
There are three protective elements, also called protective factors.

We’ll make it right again.

Seeing violence in the environment.

Few alternatives for using violence.

Talk in time.

Hate violence.

You can talk to us.

We can’t stand injustice.

don’t help you.

I have few options.

We find you too busy.

No aversion of violence.

Violence in environment exceptional.

100

WHAT LIVES :

MENTALITY

WHAT IS :

REALITY

WHAT HAPPENS :

ACTUALITY

WHAT LIVES :

MENTALITY

WHAT HAPPENS :

ACTUALITY

WHAT IS :

REALITY

RISK

PROTECTION

Violence in environment exceptional.

No aversion of violence.

We find you too busy.

We don’t help you.

I have few options.

We can’t stand injustice.

You can talk to us.

We’ll make it right again.

Hate violence.

Few alternatives for using violence.

Talk in time.

Seeing violence in the environment.

101

Pro-active
development

guidance

As  a  parent,  you  are  often  inclined  to  respond  to  your
child in an encouraging or discouraging way. You want to
encourage certain behaviors, so that your child could use
them  easier  or  more  frequent. Or  you  want  to  discou-
rage certain behavior, so that they would occur less ea-
sily or less frequently and that they finally no longer oc-
cur at the end.

In a lot of educational work, upbringing is often largely
reduced  to  this.   Rewards  and  punishments  are  called
the pedagogical tools par excellence for the parents. Al-
though both can be very useful in education, they both
belong to the reactive type of development guidance.

Parenting is more than rewarding or punishing.

You can also proactively offer something as a parent

to which your child can respond favorably.

102

It  is  good  to  know  that  they  are  not  the  only  tools  for
parents. That there are a whole range of other pedago-
gical approaches in dealing with your child. Approaches
that belong to the proactive type. These tools offer the
advantage  that  your  actions  as  a  parent  do  not  follow
what your child does or says first. So that the chance is
smaller that you have to adjust something. As a parent
you first do or say something, something that the child
responds to. The intention is that through your actions
or  expression  you  create  a  favorable  situation  for  the
child on which it can respond favorably. A situation that
is also adapted to the child.   The chance that you will be
faced with a surprise to which you have to respond in a
decisive way will be reduced. Your input will increase the
chances  of  your child responding  appropriately  so  that
you can respond to it in an encouraging way. By acting
proactively, you increase the chances of a rewarding and
affirmative re-active act. This is nicely included. This way
your child can react more positively to you and the child
will appear more positively. You too can remain in a po-
sitive role, so that you can also act more favorably. Be-
cause of the positive atmosphere in which you end up,
this can also have a positive effect on your mutual rela-
tionship, so that it also appears more favorable :  there
is a better bond and it is more satisfying.  Because of your
pro-activity, your child isn

’t yet come to reactivity, such

as closing himself of, resistance or struglle, and is still re-
ceptive to your approach. If reactivity is already noti-
ceable in your child, your proactive action can bring the

106

O v e r v i e w proactive approaches

O r i e n t a t i o n c e n t e r e d

Functional approach

E x p r e s s i o n c e n t e r e d

P e r s o n c e n t e r e d

Informative approach

Collaborative approach

Parentfriendly approach

Listening approach

Childfriendly approach

Indirect approach

Direct approach

Intentional approach

Advising approach

Directive approach

Communicative approach

107

T o o l c e n t e r e d

E n v i r o n m e n t c e n t e r e d

I n t e r a c t i o n c e n t e r e d

Authority-dosed
approach

Experience-limiting
approach

Experience-giving
approach

Acting approach

Behavior

interactive

approach

Resource approach

Behavioral approach

Reality approach

Structural approach

Situation approach

Supporting approach

Motivational approach

108

N e e d c e n t e r e d

C o n t e x t c e n t e r e d

F o c u s c e n t e r e d

Personal approach

Territorium approach

Referential approach

Contact approach

Life safety approach

Attachment approach

Behavioral realization
approach

Person

realization

approach

Optimization approach

Responsive approach

Monitoring approach

Reflective approach

109

Limiters
Who or what
stops me ?

As a young person, you can be put for the difficult task
how  to  stop  yourself.   It  requires  a  sufficient  dyna-
mic. The  ability  to  have  a  sufficient  power  that  comes
from one or other power source. What can that power
be and who the power source?

You do not always want to stop yourself, but want the
environment to stop you. It is then the environment that
is looking for a sufficient force from a power source that
can stop you or stop you doing something. That power
and power source must then be acceptable to you.  This
can be particularly difficult, because you are looking for
something and want to start something that the environ-
ment wants you to stop early with.

As a young person you can stand for the task of slo-
wing down and limiting yourself.

YOUTH THEME

P O W E

S O U

R C E

110

But  you  can  not  blindly  explore. Even  then  you  place
stops or stops can be placed that you know to limit.

To know who and what stops you, you can pay attention
to your own actions lately and see who and what limits
this. Write  down  below  three  examples  of  situations
where boundaries have appeared. Indicate for each who
defined and what made it possible.

situation           who as a limiter             what as a limiter
1.

2.

3.

What do you perceive ?
Did you put adults and government in front? Do you no-
tice  that  you slow  yourself  down  or  not?  Do  you  think
that adults and authority figures should take care of that
and  think  about  it?   Are  you  going  through  with
something until adults tell you that you can not and you
have to stop?  Do you think you should not think about
something yourself?   Is there no room here for your fee-
ling?   Have  you  never  learned  it?   Have  you  possibly
canceled  it  because  it  did  not  count  how  you  thought
about something and what you felt about it?

111

What did you discover about yourself?
You  placed  yourself  and  your  thinking  in  front.  Do  you
experience  that  you  easily  and  often  slow  down?   Do
you  think  that  you  yourself  and  how  you  think  about
something should be responsible for that?   You do not
just go ahead, but only after you have set the green light
yourself and stop as soon as you have turned the light to
red  yourself ?   Do  you  think  you  should  consider  for
yourself how you think about something and what you
feel about something?   Or have you previously thought
about things based on your developed feeling?  So that
you can bring what you do into agreement with that thin-
king and feeling. Have you ever learned it and continue
to  grow  because  it  offers  you  a  directional  beacon  for
what, how and what not to do for you?

Where do you find your friends and the reality?
You put your friends and the reality in front. Do you ex-
perience that you slow down your pace when the reality
and friends as belonging to that reality move you?   Do
you think that only the (social) reality can stop you?   If
you can not do otherwise and your peers expect it from
you. Do you think you should only look at whether some-
thing can and should not pay so much attention to what
is  imposed  on  you  or  what  you  expect  from  your-
self?   Do you need this less?   Were you only taught to
pay attention to the actual situation and not to expecta-
tions and opinions?

112

Michiel  (16):  "I  can  sometimes  have  a  hard  time  when
adults tell me what to do and especially what I should not
do.  They then have such a sense of what they all know
better,  they  talk  from  experience.  You,  you  have  not
thought  about  it  yet  and  you  do  not  know  what you're
talking about, I used to think: just tell me, then I do not
have to think about it myself. But today it's a little diffe-
rent.  I  think  myself  about  what  I  want  and  find  myself
okay,  but  they  certainly  do  not  encourage  me,  so  they
serve  me  all  as  certainties,  so  I  never  learn to  have  my
own opinion. My friends sometimes tell me that I do not
have to think about anything, just do what they expect

REALI

YSE

ADU

LTS

FRI

AUTHO

RITY

GHTS

Place the power sources in order in which theY limit you. Place what you
most limited in front.

113

from you, so that's the least you suffer, apparently they
are not encouraged to think about anything either."

Sofie (17): "At a party I can keep on dancing until I drop,
there is no one who tells me anything and you want to
join in. I sometimes get stitches and suffer from shortness
of breath. I just try not to pay attention to it.  If I dare to
say something about it to my mother, she warns me that
if I am not paying attention I might get serious problems.
Fortunately in my circle of friends there is someone who
gets  it  also  sometimes  on  her  breath.    I can  talk to  her
about this, she is the only one who understands me "

Jenne  (15):  "If  something  has  to  be  done,  then  it  must
also  of  myself,  I  can  sometimes  be  really  principled  to-
wards myself, sometimes I pay too much attention to my
diet, but I am like that. I make no exception for myself.
Good  is  not  good  enough  for  me.  My  mum  sometimes
says  that  I  am  perfectionist.  I  sometimes  tell  her  that  I
have learned it from her. My friends sometimes try to se-
duce me to something. I just tell them that I do not parti-
cipate in this, even though this is not always easy.  Other-
wise I would feel very tense and uncomfortable.  Someti-
mes I would want to be a bit milder for myself, but then
those principles will come back to me. I just can not stand
it,  it  is  so  and  not  different,  even  if  I  want  something
else

.”

114

Indicate the most used power source in the oval below.

Then  enter  in  each  of  the  four  boxes  what  the  power
source can be to your best to influence and limit you:
. what
. what not
. how
. how not
Put  a  =  sign  in  front  of  your  statements  if  this  already
happens
Put a + sign in front of your statements if you think that
priority can be given to this.

WHAT :

WHAT NOT :

HOW :

HOW NOT :

WER

115

Young people have automatically learned to take into ac-
count what adults expect from them. Adults have lear-
ned  that  young  people  often  can  not  limit  themselves
and  adults  have  to  impose  structure  and  limits  on
them. They want that young people should do like other
young people and they then impose the same expectati-
ons and norms on all young people. How the reality is,
then counts less. It is the formulated principles and rules
that must be met.   A personal feeling and opinion is less
useful in that context, because it is expected to depend
on what adults expect and expect from them.

The  more  young  people  then  abandon  from  looking  at
reality themselves and what is possible and what is not
and the more young people neglect to feel for themsel-
ves how something is possible and to think whether it is
possible  or  not,  the  more  adults  experience  that  they
have to use structure and rules.  Adults often try to im-
press  their  principles  and  norms  on  young  people. The
hope then is that young people will remember them at
the right moment in a concrete situation.

Perhaps, in order to give young people more possibilities
to  control  and  limit  their  behavior  themselves,  they
should gradually be taught to perceive situations them-
selves, to feel for themselves, to think for themselves, to
choose for themselves. So they can not only rely on their
memories and the model of peers. It is then not so much

116

something from the outside that limits them, but some-
thing that is driven from within.

Perhaps there is still a whole task here, now that the out-
side world is experiencing loss of authority. Teach young
people how to acquire authority over themselves. Tea-
ching  young  people  to  experience  for  themselves  how
their  environment  experiences  their  actions,  now  that
the environment has to reduce the power of its laws and
does not know how to convey their experience expressi-
vely.   The assignment is not so much to use rules from
outside to exercise external control, but to convey stan-
dards that young people want to keep themselves in, so
that internal control becomes possible. As an adult you
can then hold up a mirror to them, to what extent they
already meet their own standards. You can thus indicate
their progression and indicate the direction to continue
evolving. As an adult you point out for them at what they
want to keep themselves.

You can further teach young people to make their own
choices,  young  people  who  are  increasingly  guided  by
peers  through the  reduction  of  authority. The peers  to
whom they mirror themselves and who they want to re-
semble, form the norm to be like them, which also opens
up perspective for them and assurance not to be exclu-
ded.

117

In this way, young people can be taught to focus more
on their own needs, on what they are at a certain mo-
ment and not to get carried away by group members or
to  limit  themselves  only  when  adults  know  how  to  im-
pose this.  Young people can then learn how to deal with
those  needs  more  from  their  own  thinking  and  fee-
ling. Without making themselves a victim of compelling
thinking, of threatening feelings or of their needs. Adults
can be a model for this and help young people to find out
for themselves what opportunities they offer and is use-
ful and helpful for them.

Young people can also discover that it is easier to stick to
something if it is agreed together, so that they can think,
choose  and  decide  together  what  to  do  or  not.  This
sense of being listened to and participation can have a
very stimulating effect on how to deal with something.
This way a joint commitment can arise. This from their
own choice who or what they want to follow as a young
person. In their own thinking they are behind that indivi-
dual and joint choice and decision.

Tom (14): "My friends try to drag me with them, I

don’t

know a lot about what I want, I pay little attention to it, I
do not have a look at it, I'm more interested in the other
guys, what they want, that's what me too, especially ol-
der young people are attracting to us, we simply follow
them, even though I sometimes feel uncomfortable with

118

them.  It's all new and strange.  The only thing I fear is
that my parents or a teacher will come after it"

Freya (15): "Sometimes I'm afraid of what I do not know,
I sometimes think it's better not to join in. But then they
just laugh at you, you better not feel anything and do not
think at all, just get involved and wanting not too much
standing out with what you think and you feel, let alone
with what you will.  Yet something in me protests, but I
dare not go into it too much, unless others support me.
Maybe I should show something more of myself than I do
not have to do things that I do not feel like."

Lisa (16): "I'm just away from home, making time to en-
joy things, if you're in the mood. No excess, only getting
the hang of it." Together with others if it

’s possible. I just

don’t let myself be put under pressure, I do not like that
at all: doing what I feel good about and what I want, is
really in me -   I think I have this from home. I do not put
pressure on other people, on the contrary, I find it easy to
resist  when  someone  is  put  under  pressure.    Everyone
must be given the space to follow their own opinions, fee-
lings  and  choices. And  not  just  having  to  run  after
friends."

119

From control cul-
ture to influencing
culture

Parents  are  increasingly  experiencing  tensions  in  their
task  as  educators. The  upbringing  they  received  them-
selves  is  no  longer  useful  in  the  contemporary  context
and  within  the  contemporary  culture  of  interaction. At
the same time, they experience that their child asks for
an appropriate contribution and a share from their side
as a parent. How to make this happen in the current con-
text is their question.

It can help to clarify this context and at the same time
indicate which behavioral culture fits in and provides re-
sults.

What remains of the context in which I was raised?

In what context do I place the education that I give
my child?

120

Parents intuitively feel that a compelling and demanding
attitude is not the right way, even though an obligatory
response will occasionally prove to be the exception. A
more positive and constructive attitude - away from the
escalation  of  resistance  and  flight  of  the  child  -  should
offer  more  prospects  for  cooperation  and  proximity. If
not, there is a risk of mutually compelling, opposing and
disposing,  with  the  threat  of  violence  and  its  develop-
ment in the longer term.

If in this way parents do not always immediately get what
they want from their child, it can be established that this
will  allow  favorable  developments  in  due  course.
Through a different way of exercising authority and in-
teraction with their child, chances are offered for deve-
lopment, which are only possible in this context.

Have influence and give influence
Increasingly,  society  is  asking  the  question  how  to  in-
fluence each other. One finds that the other is less wil-
ling to listen just like that, let alone just go into it or to
take into account what is being proposed or expected.

From  that  perceived  powerlessness  is  then  sought  for
means  to  yet  still  have  influence,  or  to  acquire  them
back. Often one seeks refuge in old recipes that are re-
called, in tightening the existing approach, or looking for
alternatives.  For example, by engaging others, prefera-
bly others that are hoped to help in some way.

121

It is then assumed that something is lost and that this has
to  be  recovered. Possibly  the  other  person  has  taken
over something that you want back. It is then presented
as  if  only  someone  can  always  have  it,  Initially  you  are
the other person, and therefore it comes down to regai-
ning its part. The origin of this problem, sometimes out
of  despair,  is  explained  to  the  other  person  and,  as  it
were, is expected to be solved by that side. It is then so-
metimes expected that he would give back the influence
of its own will and would encourage group members to
do so.

Influence, however, is not something that exists in a cer-
tain amount, that you can equate with having a say and
that you can win by appropriating it. Influence is some-
thing that expresses itself in quality, that you can equate
with the giving and that you can win by leasing it. One of
the things that can be thought of here is the distinction
between power and leadership.

Create conditions for self-regulation
Each of us has an inexhaustible source of energy, dyna-
mism,  aptitude,  approachability,  growth  and  creati-
vity. Everyone wants to be big and strong. Nobody wants
a feeling of helplessness, uselessness or futility. To know
how  to  speak  to  this  source  and  to  stimulate  that  you
acquire influence. This by giving influence and providing
the necessary support and help so that the acquisition of

122

influence on itself and its environment continues to in-
crease. And not to remove any influence and motivation
already spontaneously present.

Research shows that where influence is given an opening
is created to shared consultation, shared understanding,
shared  objectives,  shared  agreements  and  shared  res-
ponsibility.  Often one is even prepared to pledge a part
of  his  influence  from  growing  trust  or  present
need. With good contact we come to a good co (n) act
or vice versa. In this way, one ultimately comes to a sha-
red influence.

Influence is not only about the influence of young people
towards adults or vice versa, but also about the influence
of  young  people  towards  themselves  and  influence  to-
wards each other or towards the group, or even of the
group  towards  group  members  or  towards  adults. The
more, lateral influence of one person towards another,
the more influence there is, rather than less.

To  have  development  requires  something  to  add. Ad-
ding information, skills, experience, chances, opportuni-
ties, possiblities, power, strength. Something is often ta-
ken away out of uncertainty or fear. So there is no dan-
ger, so  everything  stays the  old, so  everything  remains
clear,  so  the  relationship  remains  intact,  so  you  stay
on. For example, it is unfortunately not possible to prac-
tice with what one does not have and has not received.

124

Working together with
the broad environment
Importance of social network

. Research  shows  that young  people  need  informative
support,  emotionally  supported  appreciative  support
and concrete practical help from meaningful adults who
feel something for them. In particular, the emotional at-
mosphere  in  which  help  is  provided  is  perceived  by
young people as very valuable. As a person, they are con-
sidered  worthwhile. Someone  shows  genuine  interest
and concern for who they are.

. The number of people for whom a young person means
something  and  who  can  offer  him  or  her  informative
help, emotional help or practical help can be limited or
more extensive.

Do they help the young person who has to know some-
thing  about  which  he  is  not  sure  ?  Do  they  help  the

Parenting isn’t something you do on your own.

125

young person who needs to talk about his feelings ?   Do
they give the things the young person needs or wants, or
do they help him or her ?   Do they offer the young per-
son anything on a mental-informative level, socio-emo-
tionally, on a real-practical level ? Do they offer support
in real life or online?   What is the ratio of real life versus
online ?

. Also the regularity with which the informative, emotio-
nal and practical help is available, so young people want
to use it, and the quality of this help are important to feel
good and feel socially absorbed. Being able to use a so-
cial network can be an important support to be able to

It can be checked whether the youngster can, for ex-
ample,  count  on  his  or  her  mother,  father,  step-  or
plusparent,  brother,  sister,  grandmother,  grandfa-
ther, aunt, uncle, cousin, niece, other children, neigh-
bor, neighbor friend, neighbor girlfriend, club friend,
club  girlfriend,  shopkeeper,  cleaning  man  or  lady,
class teacher, teacher, school friend, school girlfriend,
classmate,  friend,  grilfriend,  buddy,  partner,  leading
person,  youth  service  or  organization,  service  or  or-
ganization  head,  older-person,  younger-person,
stranger,  companion,  confidant,  online  contacts  and
friends, chat opportunities, ...

126

cope  with  life  and  everything  that  the  youngster
faces. Tensions  and  problems  can  be  handled  better,
because one can count on others and one has the feeling
not to stand for it alone and one knows people who be-
lieve in him or her. People who love the younger person
and care about him or her. In short, letting the youngster
notice  not  to  stand  for  it  alone  and  not  to  stand  al-
one. Others are around the younger. Especially the per-
sonal  and  the  small  distance  are  very  meaningful
here. They hold more chances than the impersonal and
the greater distance from organized aid.

. On an emotionally supported informative level, a young
person  may  need  help  with  thinking  about  something,
when solving a problem or conflict, when talking about
feelings  and  clarifying  them,  when  sharing  pleasant  or
unpleasant  feelings,  when  exploring  something  new,
when  trying  to  tackle  something  differently  or  better,
when releasing something, when in doubt and insecure,
when looking for answers, when understanding and ex-
plaining  something,  when  planning  and  looking  ahead,
when to come to perspective and rest.

. On  an  emotionally  substantiated  appreciating  level,  a
young  person  may  need  help  with  getting  over  some-
thing when he is confronted with problems and possible
failure  and  loss,  when  he  feels  valued,  when he or she
needs support and someone who defends him or her, to
say nice things about the younger ones, to be happy for

127

him or her, to show interest, to pay attention, to listen,
to being there for the young person who has a hard time,
when to process something, to be able to share some-
thing with him or her, to be able to trust the youngster,
to what you mean to him or her, to give the feeling of
belonging, to show how the youngster is perceived and
liked by others.

. On a concrete practical level, a young person may, for
example, need help with certain tasks and assignments
for which it has been asked, to take part in the responsi-
bility for something for which the young person himself
or herself is not only able to temporarily take care of so-
mething.

. Especially the opposite that no help is offered, or that
others are against the youngster or offer opposition and
counter-work,  can  come  hard  and  isolate  a  youngster.
Others do not care about him or her,  so the youngster
can not go to them.   The young person is far away from

128

them,  they  can  not  accept  him  or  her,  they  do  not  lis-
ten. The  young  person  can  not  talk  to  them  or  ask  for
advice,  he  or  she  can  not  be  open  with  them  or  take
them into trust. They laugh at him or her or bother him
or her, they have no attention and no time, they do not
take  the  youngster  into  account  and  exclude  him  or
her. They  do  nothing  for  the  younger  person  and  give
him or her a bad feeling, the younger one can not count
on them. As a result, he or she risks missing a number of
development opportunities.

. Especially if a young person discovers not being able to
go  to  one  group,  he  will take  refuge  with  another
group. The group closest to life in the younger state will
usually give the easiest access. However, it is often the
group that can offer something emotionally, but that is
informally  and  practically  less  equipped  to  offer  this
help. It  is  then  a  missed  opportunity  for  those  other
groups. The  cause  will  then  often  be  not  being  suffi-
ciently accessible and being experienced to much as an
opponent and a threat. One is too little inclined to res-
pond  to  the  needs  of  the  young  person  and  wants  too
much because of the help offered to meet his own needs
or to confirm himself. In the end one does something too
much for himself, the perspective of himself then stands
in  the  foreground  and  prevents  the  perspective  of  the
youngster.

129

. A young person who finally determines that he can not
go  anywhere  can feel  bad  and  develop  a  negative  self-
image. There  is  a  risk  that  someone  will  actively  iso-
late himself or herself in order to avoid feeling rejected
and so will in vain resort to resources and a response, as
a hold and shelter, which must reduce the pain of loss
and what missing and fill a large gap.

. A young person who feels isolated or excluded, also be-
lieves  to  have  less  influence  and  not  be  able  to expect
help and support from people around him or her.  From
this helpless feeling there is more and more the call for
powerful means and solutions of groups and principles
from  outside. Those who  do  not feel  isolated  or  exclu-
ded, believe that they have influence and that they can
expect  help  and  support  from  people  around  them.
From this hopeful and confident feeling, more reserve is
created as opposed to interference and disruption from
outside.

. We can check and follow up to what extent who offers
what  support  to  the  youngster. And  so  certain  help  is
lacking and no one in a positive way is at present able to
do  so,  you  can  try  to  arrange  this  or  letting  arrange  it,
by referral,  so  that certain  persons  will  give  the  neces-
sary help that is lacking or inadequate.

. If this help can not be offered in the young person's na-
tural environment, it can be sought or made accessible,

131

Reward and pu-
nishment
About develop-
ment guidance

Parenting as well as guiding the development of a child
is perhaps more difficult today than ever. Many certain-
ties from the past disappear and the future is difficult to
predict.

Moreover,  parents  and  educators  have  become  more
aware  of  their  educational  task. They  certainly  do  not
want to make mistakes and perhaps provide better edu-
cation than they themselves had.

Parenting  is  often  equated  with  rewarding  and  punis-
hing, in other words encouraging favorable behavior and
discouraging  unfavorable  behavior  among  children  in
development.

You reward to encourage behavior.

How do you actually do this in practice?

132

As a parent or educator you try through your reaction to
learn a child something by rewarding it or to unlearn so-
mething by punishing it and not the other way around.

You let the child first try something and you react enthu-
siastically  so  that  it  would  be  repeated  more  often  or
more easily.

Or you react disappointed so that the behavior would be
repeated less frequently and less easily and would disap-
pear as quick as possible.

However, it can be taken into account that there are also
many opportunities in a proactive, rather than reactive
act.

Proactive  parenting  means  then,  for  example,  creating
development-friendly situations for your child, talking to
your  child  in  advance,  making  arrangements,  setting  a
model for your child, stimulating skills, developing one's
own strength, working in a connecting way,  and so on.
You can read more about this in the theme section 'Pro-
active development support' of this encyclopedia.

Parenting by means of rewarding and punishing is there-
fore becoming less and less evident. There are so many
other parenting ways available that are more supportive
and power-oriented.

133

But even if you choose a different parenting relationship,
your  reward  and  punishment  will  continue  to  play  un-
consciously. You will, for example, be happy with what
you want or prefer from your child. You will not express
happiness  for  what  you  do  not  want  or  do  not  prefer.
Perhaps it is better then if you consciously deal with re-
warding and punishing.

However,  not  every  reward  method  that  is  effective  is
also desirable. The necessary conditions are that it is ac-
companied by respect and recognition of the child in de-
velopment, that it takes place in dialogue with the child,
that the effect is sustainable and that it promotes the in-
dependence and self-direction of the child.

If you want to reward and punish, it is important to build
a good relationship with your child and create a develop-
mentally friendly and child-friendly climate.  This begins
in the first years of life by giving the child the opportunity
to attach safely.

If  the  distance  between  yourself  and  the  child  is  too
great, it will be difficult for you to identify with what is
going on with your child and the willingness of your child
to invollow may be slight. Educating is simply a two-way
process.  Your  contact  with  your  child  will  also  be  less
good,  so  that  he  or  she  experiences  less  safety.  This  is
especially  true  with  long-term  or  frequent  problems,
tensions  and  stress,  which  make  it  easier  to  become

134

angry, impatient or at risk of giving up and letting it run
its course. After all, parenting is a two-way process.

The  better  you  can  notice  the  needs  and  feelings  of  a
child, the better you can respond to it.

Every child needs well-being and feeling physically well,
safety and security, attention and love, appreciation and
individuality, growth space and a dose of autonomy. It is
important not to forget this when it comes to rewarding
and punishing.

It is useful to know that a child still has to learn just about
everything :  getting to know himself or herself and the
immediate  and  wider  world. This  requires  exercise
chances and stimulation and not in the first place limita-
tion and deceleration.

Now and then the child gets excited or out of control and
is then difficult to reach and approachable. Allowing time
to catch some breath and regain control over itself can
prevent you from reacting excessively.  This is also so for
your own excitement.  Maybe because you are missing
something and you do not know it anymore.

It  is  important  to  be  able  to  work  with  rewards and  to
make the most of the opportunities for this, rather than
waiting until it goes wrong and then having to intervene
in a punishing manner.

135

To pay attention to children when they get along well is
preferable, then intervene limiting when they go wrong.

It  may  be  thought  that  rewarding  is  not  only  material,
such as spending money, a drink or something tasty.
Children often find social reinforcements very pleasant :
an  admiring  glance,  smiling,  attention,  an  encouraging
word and a hug can do wonders.

The reward of a possible joint activity is also very popular
with children.

Do  not  wait  too  long  with  your  reward,  the  faster,  the
more  influence  and  then  it  is clear  to  the  child  what  is
rewarded.

Do not, however, purchase your child's behavior by offe-
ring a reward in prospect, your child may only do some-
thing on condition that it knows what it will be.

A  punishment  is  essentially  something  unpleasant. For
example, the absence of a reaction or result can be ex-
perienced as punitive, it is then spoken of ignoring if you
do not respond.

Spanking and even a tap can better belong to the past,
you also set the better tone and you will not let the child
want to do violence. That way you can be sure that you

136

has not given rise to violence.  Violence that mainly pro-
vokes resistance and resistance, violates someone's phy-
sical  integrity  and  is  not the  way  to  a  sustainable  solu-
tion.

For  example,  in  countries  where  spanking  or tapping  a
child  by  anyone  is  legally  prohibited,  violence  among
young people declines markedly. In countries where only
parents  are  allowed  to  tap  their  child  as  a  pedagogical
tick,  only  aggression  is  reduced  among  girls.    Recent
large-scale statistical research has also shown that child-
ren who were beaten at the age of 5 showed an increase
in behavioral problems at the age of 6 and also at the age
of  8  compared  with  children  who  were  never  beaten.
Hitting  a  child  was  linked  to  an  increase  in  behavioral
problems. It was not effective and made the behavior of
children worse.  This was also evident in families where
parents were otherwise loving and warm in dealing with
their child.

A  child  responds  to  hitting  with  a  greater  response  in
areas of the brain related to self-esteem and confidence,
The greater response is related to signals of threat from
the  environment.  This  increases  the  chance  of  develo-
ping anxiety, depression, behavioral problems and other
psychological  problems.  Spanking  appeared  to  affect
how  the  brain  develops,  similar  to  what  happens  with
more  pronounced  forms  of  violence.  Also  a  tap  turned

137

out to have a greater impact than expected on the brain
development of the child.

Pausing the child, denying it something, putting it out of
the  situation,  having  the  child  rebuild  and  temporarily
imposing a limitation are perhaps better choices.

Try  to  process  something  meaningful  in  your  sentence
and have something done as it should.

Beware of humiliating punishments and remarks, such as
laughing at. They can have far-reaching side effects.

Your child can become anxious and insecure by regular
use  and  develop  a  negative  self-image. Your  child  can
then respond anxiously from fear of punishment or from
disapproval.

But the child may also become or be insensitive to pu-
nishment,  because  it  dislikes  outcomes  that  arouse  its
aversion or reluctance and predictors of these aversive
outcomes, such as punishment. It then clings to the re-
presentation it prefers or desires.  It reacts negatively or
indifferently  to  punishment  or  the  prospect  of  punish-
ment, so that it does not learn from it.  This according to
a recent Australian study.

138

Tell  your  child  I  like  you,  but  I  do  not  like  you  to do  or
don’t  do  this  or  that. Your  attitude  is  then  positive  to-
wards the child and adjusting to the action.

It is better not to assume as usual negative or undesira-
ble behavior on the part of your child. Unfavorable be-
havior that you can counteract and unlearn with reward
if  it  is  not  there.  Or  that  you  can  counter  with  punish-
ment if this behavior continues. Rather, you can let it re-
volve around a generally positive or desired behavior of
your child as a starting point, which you confirm with re-
warding if it remains present and can punish if it disap-
pears.

Respond in a timely manner and do not just let your act-
ions depend on your child who is disappointing or does
disappointing things.

Do not forget that every situation brings with it an expe-
rience that can be rewarding or punitive in itself. Some-
thing works and the child is happy with it or something
fails and the child is unhappy about it.

Avoid  disturbing  this  naturally  disturbed  experience
through  your  intervention. The  child  is  no  longer
unhappy by your intervention - if possible unjustly expe-
rienced - or is thereby distracted from his original expe-
rience.

139

Also pay attention to how a child experiences something,
how does a child feel about it.

Keep in mind that an internal stimulator and motivator
from  your  child  is  preferable  to  an  external  stimulator
and motivator from outside of you as a parent. This way
the  child can control  itself  and  is  not  dependent  on  its
environment.
If your child finds an activity intrinsically satisfying, such
as with play activity, it is better to omit an extrinsic sti-
mulus. If not, the child threatens to do something only
for the sake of your external reward and the inner stimu-
lation disappears even if your reward is no longer recei-
ved afterwards. This is due to the overjustification effect.

Many educators assume that only they reward and pu-
nish. However, parents can often find that their child re-
wards them when they overlook something and, conver-
sely, punishes them or ignores them when they ask for
something.

Do not let yourself be rewarded  for not holding on so-
mething  or  punishing  for  your  holding  on  some-
thing. Make  this  clear  immediately. You  can,  of  course,
reward your child for something you can hold.

Parents are sometimes inclined to establish their autho-
rity  through  reward  and  punishment.  It  is  good  to  be

140

aware then that you do this more for yourself than for
your child.

Every child has multiple sides. On the way you deal with
your child depends much which side develops. Especially
young children are still very flexible in their attitude and
actions, in their personality development.

Children do not change and grow suddenly, but step by
step. Every rewarding experience can be a step in a de-
velopment-friendly direction.

Every  punishing  experience,  especially  if  it  happens  to
them  personally,  can  lead  to  a  defensive  and  repulsive
response. You then come out with your child to what you
just wanted to avoid, distant and self-centered.

It is important to be patient with the child, even if it does
not work out completely. Especially to prevent you from
discouraging and discouragingly react to your child that
does not meet your (high) expectations.

You can also pay attention to stay in balance yourself as
much as possible, by taking time and caring for yourself.
If not, there is a risk that you will reach  to punishment
more quickly.

Every child wants to become big and strong, just like his
parents to whom it mirrors. By showing yourself how it

142

In your reach !

As a young person you often meet situations where you
can do little, at least that is how these situations occur.
You discover that something can be up to you, but that
you can not do anything about it. For example, others do
not understand you, or they constantly misunderstand
you. You did not mean it like that, it's up to the language
you speak, learned at home. It's up to me, to my langu-
age, but I can not help it. It are the others who do not
understand it, or constantly misunderstand it.

You often feel powerless as a young person.

Is this always the case?

YOUTH THEME

143

Or you discover that it is not up to you at all. You can not
do  anything  about  it  then. For  example,  others  do  not
like someone who is not sporty. Even though I could do
something about it, which is not so certain, it depends
on the preference and interest of the environment. Just
bad luck!

Even though something is not up to you and even though
you can not do anything about it, you can try to perceive
it  for  yourself  as  within  your  sphere  of  influence. Even
though you are not responsible for the origin, even if you
are not responsible for the consequences, you can ima-
gine it to yourself as if not to undergo it. Not powerless
to face.

The least you can do is protect you from possible conse-
quences. It  is  better  to  formulate  actively  and  find  out
how you can deal with it, so that some effect becomes
possible.

This  way  you  can  search  for how  to  avoid  becoming  a
victim of something that is not up to you or that you can
not  change  anything  about. Searching  for  how  you  can
deal constructively with something that is not up to you
and that can not be changed in itself.

Find out what you can do about the consequences. How
you can avoid the negative consequences and be a victim
through your perception and your dealings.

144

That language of yours, for example, that you received
from home and that nobody really understands. Even if
you can not change it in itself, you can try to avoid the
consequences by dealing with it to others. This way you
could check with others, or in doubtful cases, whether
they have understood you completely. This way you can
immediately correct misunderstandings and avoid that
you would later be confronted with negative consequen-
ces.

That being not sporty of you. You can not really help that
you are not an athlete. Still, you might want to develop

It’s up to me

Can do so-

mething

It’s up to me

Can’t to anything

about

It’s not up to me

Can do something

about

It’s not up to me

Can’t do anything

about

145

some sporting activity. If you can not do this, you can al-
ways talk about sports and you can show some inte-
rest. Or at least do not allow any subdued disgust.

Look for an example of something that is up to you and
that you can not do anything about.

Then find out what you could do to reduce or eliminate
the consequences for you.

Doesn

’t it work. For example, imagine that you are afraid

of  something  that  has  frightened  you  before  and  of
which  you  will  no  longer  be  redeemed. You  could  tell
your surroundings about your fear, and immediately ask
them to take this into account.  Tell them that they could
help you a lot. Because of their understanding or support
you would be very helped and you could do something
about your situation.

Try it yourself.

Look for an example of something that is not up to you
and that you can do something about.

Then  find  out  what  you could  do  to  reduce  the  conse-
quences for you, or make them disappear.

Doesn

’t it work. For example, imagine that someone is

constantly making you angry, because he always tries to

146

make you wise something, or sometimes even acts diffe-
rently than agreed. You can then make it clear to him or
her that you do not want to be made wise something, or
do not wish to experience that something is different
than agreed. As soon as you notice something, you can
also remind the other person of what you do not want.

Try it yourself.

Look for an example of something that is not up to you
and that you can not do anything about.

Then find out what you could do to reduce the conse-
quences for you, or make them disappear.

Does

n’t it work. For example, imagine someone hurting

you. He  or  she  makes  you  clear  to  no  longer  feels
something  for  you. You  can  have  a  very  difficult  time
with  this. You  can  then  talk  about  this  with  whom  you
did  this  grief,  or  with  someone  you  can  trust. You  can
also  try  to  learn  from  this  yourself  :  that  not  everyone
loves  you  and  that  you  learn  to  live  with  this,  that  you
figure out why someone no longer cares about you and
what you can learn from this to avoid or reduce repeti-
tion.

Try it yourself.

147

Often  we  are  inclined  in  what  we  do  to  react  to  what
happened to us : something scared us, someone made
us angry, or sad. We will respond to this. Something or
someone formed the cause, our response is then the lo-
gical  consequence. The  encountered  cause  is  the  star-
ting point of our actions.

We can also make the starting point of our actions from
a self-intended goal. Our actions then form the means to
achieve  our  preconceived  goal. We  then  respond  to  a
self  chosen  goal. Finding  safety,  staying  calm,  knowing
how to deal with loss is then our starting point for our
response.

Through  the  chosen  goals,  we  experience  more  in-
fluence  and  have  a  grip  on  the  situation  and  the
course. It revolves around something we want, and not
around something that the environment wants or does
not want for us.

That way we are less vulnerable. In this way we remain
or become more resilient. It does not matter from what
we  want  to  go  away,  or  what  we  want  to  avoid,  but
where  do  we  want  to  go  or  what  do  we  want  to
reach. For  example,  we  are  looking  for  resources  and
means for what can help us, who or what can support us
to figure out what we have chosen ourselves.

149

Development of
meaning

Common and additional meanings
Simply put, we could say that in our head we deal with
duplicates of the surrounding realities. Call it copies, alt-
hough this word is not so well chosen. Only one side of
the double refers directly to reality, this is the common
side. For example, consider the term 'younger' that re-
fers to a person of small age. This is the common mea-
ning or reference value of the double.

The other sides of the double refer to what is called in
our heads when we deal with this double, these are the
individual sides. These are the for each of us our own

There is a lot to learn to discover meanings and to
gives meanings for yourself as a child.

Even harder is it to get to know meanings that count
for others.

150

connotations that spring up automatically and are often
different  for  each  of  us. Think of associations of 'youn-
ger'  with  being  playful,  with  being  dependent,  being
overconfident, and so on.  These associations refer to in-
formation that is stored in our heads, often arising from
previous contacts and experiences. They only refer indi-
rectly to surrounding realities.

This  means  that  when  communicating  alongside  the
common side of the double which is easy to communi-
cate, a great deal of time must be spent on the commu-
nication  of  the  individual  sides  of  the  double,  if  one
wants  to  get  exactly  the  same  wavelength. The  lack  of
this  often  leads  to  a  different  or  wrong  understan-
ding. Having  common  experiences  can  provide  a  basis
for  building  up  multiple  common  sides  of  the  doubles
that are used in a communicative way.

Cognitions and cognitive schem

a’s as linking

Such a meaning can be called a cognition. Because mea-
nings usually occur together, think of common and indi-
vidual meanings, one speaks of a cognitive sche-
ma. Where cognition is a unit of knowledge, a cognitive
schema is a knowledge package. Once the child has mas-
tered the language, cognition is associated with a name
that has often been taken over from the environment. A
concept is linked to a collection of cognitions as soon as
the child's memory and thinking ability allow it.

151

Cognitions  and  cognitive  schemas  allow  to  attribute
meaning to the child in the environment. What the child
perceives  activates  in  the  child  certain  cognitions  and
cognitive schemas that allow it to be identified as this or
that as a common meaning. Or what the child perceives
can cause the child to be awakened to that or that which
gives it that individual meaning to something. If the per-
son who meets the child is small in shape, the child will
activate the child or younger schema. If the person who
meets it is smaller than the child, then the schema baby
may be activated, to which he looks somewhat down.

Meanings mean that there are links between something
in the outside world and something in the inner world or
between  something  in  the  inner  world  and  something
else  in  the  inner  world. For  example,  the  link  between
the  child  in  the  outside  world  and  the  image  that  the
child has of a child or a younger, or the link between the
image of a child and being weak as a picture.

Semantic memory as a storage medium
It is the semantic memory that stores the defining cha-
racteristics and the characteristic features in the course
of the development of the child. It is also the semantic
memory that makes the defining and characteristic fea-
tures  available. The  determining  factor  for  identifying
what is happening in the outside world. The typical mar-
king  and  characterizing of  what  is  going  on,  this  is  sur-

152

rounded with feelings, judgments, anticipation or aver-
sion, and so on. The moment the child forms a meaning,
it does this on the basis of stimuli from one or more sen-
ses. It may also be that the child is involved in interaction
with  that  something  from  the  outside  world. Specific
sensory and behavioral experience are then linked to the
encountered reality and stored in the semantic memory
as characteristic.

Researchers  from  the  Universities  of  Glasgow  and  Bir-
mingham were able to show that memories become less
vivid and detailed over time, so that ultimately only the
central core is preserved. This blurring of details of our
memory in favor of the essence was amplified with regu-
lar recall of recently stored experiences. Remembering is
seen  as  a  highly  reconstructive  process  and  not  as  an
exact representation, where memories can change every
time they are thought of.

Memories thus appear to be primarily focused on mea-
ningful contents, which is also reflected in brain signals.
That memories change with time and use is a good and
adaptive thing. Memories preserve the information that
is likely to come in handy in similar situations in the fu-
ture. This preference for semantic memory content ap-
pears  to  be  significantly  stronger  with  the  passage  of
time  and  with  repeated  recall.  In  this  way,  meaningful
information for later, remains longer.

153

After  a  few  characteristics  are  met  in  daily  reality,  the
whole of stored characteristics is activated in the seman-
tic memory. In this way something is quickly recognized
in reality and a rapid image and subsequent reaction is
possible. What is noticed is seen as a sign of and for (sig-
ning) a certain perception and reaction.

In semantic memory the encountered reality can be sto-
red as an image as a representation of that reality. This
is especially so in children up to about four years. Gradu-
ally, symbols are also formed that represent often more
complex realities. The scarf that symbolizes the connec-
tion with mommy who gave him to me. In the develop-
ment  of  the  language, concepts  are  available  to  store
characteristics. Finally, rules  are available  to  link  con-
cepts  to  each  other,  where  one  term  means  a  link  for
another concept. A child that is small and young.

The  development  of  the  language  allows  the  rever-
se :  where the child tries to capture reality in images, it
now  tries  to  evoke  reality  through  the  meaning  of  the
language concepts. For example, the semantic develop-
ment  of  language  is seen  as  a second step  in  language
development. This  after  the  phonological  development
that  concerns  the  making  of  sounds  and  the  syntactic
development that concerns the making of sentences and
the morphological development that is about the use of
the right word form. This way it comes to understanding

154

what  stands  for  what  and  thus  listening  for  active  use
and thus speaking.

Function of meaning development
Development  of  meaning  can  be  seen  as  a  system  for
classification, organizing and structuring of the environ-
mental  reality. The  way  this  happens  is  very  individual
and culturally determined. These are the child's own ex-
periences that are at the basis of the self-formed links. It
is the information obtained from the environment or the
shared experiences that form the basis of the jointly for-
med links. Who the parents are for the child will be very
colored  by  his  personal  experiences  with  his  pa-
rents. What his parents are is heared from his environ-
ment and is determined culturally and historically.

A clear trend that is evident here is that the provision of
meaning today is more individually determined then be-
fore. Previously, the child was more likely to abandon his
own  experience  or  let  it  precede  by  what  the  environ-
ment  imposed  and  expected. Not  who  are  my  parents
for me from concrete experiences with them or from ex-
periences with needs in contact with them, but what do
my parents want in contact with them as interpretation
that in general can be expected in the society from child-
ren.

In  addition  to  organizing  reality,  the  development  of
meaning also leads to that reality. How can the concept

155

allow a better response to and dealing with the environ-
mental reality.

Origin of own meaning development
From phenomenological research we know that the es-
sence of many realities can not be found in the core of
the realities themselves, but in ourselves in dealing with
those realities, in the meaning we give ourselves to these
realities, how much these realities in itself also displays
a certain meaning. For a child, a stack of books can have
the meaning of a sofa, however clearly the meaning of
the books may be to us.

Especially what the child is looking for in a reality and the
contact it has with it, is very decisive for his significance
assignment. So your mobile phone can be a nice toy for
the child. In the evolution of what the child looks for in a
reality and in the changing relationship with it, each time
different meanings are assigned. The strange child of the
neighbors becomes a playmate, later a friend, later the
sweetheart and yes perhaps the chosen life partner.

Development of meaningful constructions
Gradually the child develops besides doubles that refer
to realities outside of itself, also doubles that refer to
constructions in its head about realities. These doubles
also have a side that refers directly to the construction,
next to sides that refer to what is called with the double.
Think of 'young' as referring to the common meaning of

156

small age, in addition to individual associations of 'young'
with being active, with being-in, with new, with attracti-
veness, and so on.

For  these  abstract  doubles  even  more  differences  in
meaning arise because the common side can also show
individual  differences  in  nuance. Where,  for  example,
does young ends. As a parent you only have indirect in-
fluence on this.

Meaning to themselves and to others
Children  first  develop  the  ability  to  recognize  meaning
and attribute it to what they meet. In this way they get
to know themselves what something means to them. In
this way they also learn to discover what is important to
them,  what  they  seek  and  need  in  their  own  sense  of
meaning. My mommy means everything to me, so I am
still very dependent.  My mom goes before everything, I
seek and constantly needs her safety.

From  the  age  of  three,  children  develop  the  ability  to
also discover the meaning that others recognize and at-
tribute  to  something. Children  try  to  understand  other
children and to understand their intentions. Which idea
other children make of something and what other child-
ren  are  looking  for  based  on  their  knowledge,  desires,
questions and expectations. In other words, the child is
able  to  attribute  meaning  to  perceived  behavior. My
mum takes good care of me, I mean a lot to my mom. My

157

mom constantly urges me to do what she expects, she
wants me to be sweet.

Where four to five-year-olds in the meanings allocation
mainly  rely  on  the  concrete  situation  and  the  concrete
actions of themselves and others, eight or nine-year-olds
also  rely  on  the  knowledge  they  have  acquired  about
themselves  and  others. I  cry  because  I  have  lost
something  or  I cry  because  I  am  sensitive.   He  is  angry
because he can not participate, he is angry because he is
light-hearted. Gradually these two  knowledge contents
mix, these about the concrete situation and reaction and
the one about who someone is. She is excited because
she is not the first to turn and because she always wants
to win from others.

Encouraging the development of meaning
As  a  parent  you  can  stimulate  the  development  of  the
meaning of the child by using images of realities in the
child's  world. Images  that  accentuate  certain  characte-
ristics  of  these  realities,  for  example,  by  simplifying
them. The smaller shape of the child is magnified against
that of an adult. The love of the mother for her child is
over-accentuated  with  hearts. Picture  books  and  chil-
dren's videos can be helpful.

Regularly talking to, with and in the vicinity of the child
can make the child familiar with language sounds, from

158

your tonality a foundation can be laid for meanings. Re-
search shows that the richer your language use is in the
form of a variety of words and more complex sentence
constructions, the faster the vocabulary development of
the child (Hoff & Naigles, 2002).

It can help to give definitions of what the child meets, by
indicating its characteristics. If the child deals with a ball,
you can draw attention to the round, opposite the angu-
lar of a block.  Around you can illustrate with roles, an-
gular with non-movable and sliding. Especially for what
is not immediately perceptible, you can indicate what it
typifies  or  typifies  the  child. For  example,  if  the  child
weeps you can link to a feeling of grief because it has lost
something.

Especially giving concrete examples of what something
is  and  what  not,  what  belongs  to  something  and  what
does  not,  how  something  is  and  how  something  does
not,  when  something  is  and  when  it  is  not,  make  the
meanings very differentiated and at the same time more
extensive. What  is  all  small,  what  is  all  great,  for
example. What is not small, what is not great.

As a parent, you can give feedback to the child when it
gives  an  incorrect  meaning  to  something. Not  smaller
but less, no more but bigger.

160

Buffers
as protection

What accompanies me as a youngster?
I've  been  there  before  I  get  anywhere. In  my  thoughts
and in my imagining I have already formed an idea and I
can feel and experience this in a physical way.   Do I feel
tense, do I suffer from nerves?

The more often I experienced something, the more de-
tailed the image could be, but at the same time the more
volatile this happening, for the sake of predictability and
routine.

The newer a happening, the deeper and more detailed
this happening for me, even if I notice that it is still vague
or  unknown  and  needs  to  be  assessed  and  comple-
ted. Much  remains  in  the  question  form. This  ensures

Buffers ensure safety.

They allow us to notice insecurity on time.

How to sensitize children for this?

YES !

NO !

161

more prudence and a slower progress.  First (knowing)
to know and feel and then only doing.

Multiple buffers
For example, we notice that several buffers surround us
who ensure safety and avoid too great risks with serious
consequences.

In this way we have the already mentioned mental buf-
fer of estimating and feeling.

Closely connected to this is the signal buffer.  Signals that
point in a particular direction can be more direct or indi-
rectly read from what is being said, from what the per-
son shows and from what the person let feel.

Also  related  is  the incoherence  buffer. What  someone
says, does not correspond with reality or with what so-
meone does.

Towards yourself there is the comfort (zone) buffer. You
notice that the situation or the other person takes you
out of your comfort zone and you don't feel comfortable,
like you feel bad about something, you don't recognize
something or you don't trust something, you risk falling
outside your limits, etc.

In addition, there is the social buffer, the others on which

162

we  can  count,  who  accompany  us  or  on  which  we  can
appeal. They provide a large dose of safety and security.

Furthermore, there is the communicative buffer. We can
address, agree, inform, warn, and more.

Not to mention is the behavioral barrier, such as proxi-
mity  or  distance-winning, respecting  habits  and  rituals,
etc.

Finally,  in  emergency  situations,  there  is  the  reference
buffer,  such  as  apparently  cooperating;  say  yes,  doing
no; pretend; create a different impression; point to sur-
veillance; point to be met; someone on the way; set con-
ditions; delay; make

‘appointments’; 'promise'; keep tal-

king; gain time; distract; put on the wrong track; believe
in a way out and a happy ending; and so on.

This means that we are not immediately surrendered to
something, but that we often can see or feel something
in advance, that we can invoke the help of others in time
and act in a communicative or behavioral way. These
buffers surround us and make access to something pos-
sible or allow us to prevent access.

What to allow yourself?
For optimal use of these buffers, much will depend on
how you let yourself deal with a situation or event.

163

What you let go before, whether you want to go into so-
mething, go on with it, or want to go on. Whether you
want to go ahead, go along or go together. Whether you
want to check something or start from it. Whether you
want to go to something, or want to stop or go away or
go  sideways  or  backwards. Whether  you  want  to  go
ahead or want to let something go down, get out of the
way,  let  breakdown  or  get  lost. Whether  you  let  go  or
insist that something goes well and is possible. Whether
it goes this way before you go out. Or you allow yourself
to let go or get stuck.  It will be a matter of determining
for yourself how far you want to go and not just going
through with something.

Give buffers opportunities
Adults can teach young people how to use buffers. They
can explain what to do and can show how to do this. This
offers young people a basis to optimize their own expe-
rience for themselves and their own situation.

Adults often neglect this development or refute the na-
tural  and  intuitive  buffers  by  substituting  their  buffers
and acting as a buffer themselves.  But what if the adults
are not there or are not available.

Buffers in what you undertake
Where the previous is useful for what the other person
says and does to you and how you respond to this or not
and  whether  or  not  you  allows  this,  is  the  following

164

useful  in  your  own  or  requested  engagement,  in  what
you  undertake  and  how  you  already  does  or  does  not
act.

With what you yourself do and undertake, on your own
initiative or at the request of someone, you can use an
emotional, rational and behavioral buffer.

Emotional buffer : You can use what and how you feel
about what and how you think and do.
Rational buffer : Or can you use what and how you think
about what and how you feel and do.

Behavioral buffer: Or you can still use what and how you
do from what and how you think and feel.

An example :
Someone  wants  something  from  you  and  asks  for  your
cooperation, but fears a no-answer if you knew the un-
derlying reason for his request.

You  try  to  empathize  with  his proposal,  but  notice  that
many questions remain open.  Especially the why of his
question remains very unclear. Also why the question is
asked  to  you  remains  obscure. Especially  the  exclusive
and  wanting  to  exclude  the  others  can  not  be  inter-
preted. You do not feel comfortable with your requested
engagement. Also, not wanting to talk openly about the

165

direction  the  other  person  wants  to  go,  does  not  feel
right.

The mental image that remains vague, the feelings that
are  unfavorable  and  that  you  can  not  appeal  to  others
about  your  commitment  should  encourage  you  to  talk
more about what the other person wants from you. And
if this does not work, you can try to distance yourself or
actively take action not to go further with the other per-
son.

If you would go to the request of the other person, you
can  consider  how  you  would  think  about  yourself  and
how you would feel when you gave in to the other person.

Okay in all areas
Finally, you can check whether something is okay in the
three different territories with which you have to do :

Is it something I like or something I want, in the mental
territory ?

Are others in the social territory informed and agree with
what I do ?

Can I call on someone or something in the real territory
if necessary ?

167

A practical situation as exercise

YES !

NO !

answer

At home they

think that’s okay.

The others are al-

ready gone.

I love a

party.

Other friends

are going

too.

It’s already

late.

Nobody else is

there.

NO !

YES !

168

Preventing
burnout
as a parent

Burnout as a parent?
Perhaps  the  topic  will  somewhat  surprise :  the  occur-
rence of burnout as a parent. Is burnout not associated
with a 'burned-out' in a work situation ?   Indeed, but un-
der a work situation can more in general be understood,
a task that has been given or an own assignment that ge-
nerally  depletes  someone  so  that  he  or  she  goes  un-
der. Whether this is a work situation, a learning situation
(burnout at students) or a living situation (burnout at pa-
rents)  is  rather  secondary. It  always  involves  the  con-
frontation with a task or assignment - here a parenting
task - that requires too much of a person (bearing load)
so that he no longer perseveres with his available possi-

How as a parent prevent to go under?

Which signals can you notice in time?

How do you respond?

[emotional exhaustation]

[decreasing competence feeling]

[depersonalisation]

169

bilities  (capacity).    Because  the  possibilities  are  ex-
hausted  by  the  continuous,  repetitive  and  prolonged
load,  so  that  it  can  not  be  regained  again. It  is  not  so
much the balance of carrying capacity and bearing load
that is disturbed, but the balance of giving and building
up. The result is a long-term energy deficit and a perma-
nent feeling of exhaustion.  If in time the reconstruction
of  forces  could  be  done,  then  burnout  would  not  oc-
cur. However,  a  progressive  reduction  of  forces  takes
place, which in the long term gives burnout more oppor-
tunities. Reducing  this reduction  of  forces  and  offering
opportunities to rebuild them is one of the main points
of attention for preventing burnout as a parent.

(Mia  - 33  years)  I  experienced  that  I  was  very  unhappy
with  my  child. No  matter  how  much  I  tried,  it  did  not
want to click between us. It was also difficult: I constantly
made comments about what it did or did not want to do
what I wanted. Sometimes I completely lost my patience
and demanded in vain that it would sit still and be silent. I
just could not have anything from my child at certain ti-
mes. The  best  moments  were  when  it  was  away  from
home.  But  even  then  I  was  very  disappointed  that  it
would  come  home  again  and  everything  would  start
again.

(Diane - 36 years old) I started to experience myself more
and more as an unfriendly, upbringing and hard-working
parent who could no longer handle it and knew it with his

170

child to whom she was less and less attached.   Who did
the opposite of what she wanted herself, but who no lon-
ger had a grip on the child, on her own actions and on
herself.

The development of a burnout
Parenting can ask a whole effort of you as a parent. Es-
pecially if it is not easy when dealing with your child, you
may feel that you have a difficult assignment. It is then
easy to create a tense atmosphere that gradually turns
into a tense relationship with your child.  This tense at-
mosphere  and  relationship  can  then  easily  create  new
tensions and evoke stress both with you as a parent as
with the child. This way you as a parent and child easily
end  up  in  a  long-lasting  and  recurring  stress  situa-
tion. This requires a lot from the child, but also from the
parent who gradually feels that he can no longer easily
cope with his task as a parent.

As a parent you are inclined to make extra efforts to still
succeed in your parental task.  Efforts to which the child
does not always react positively. This can generate a lot
of emotions, such as excitement, disappointment, anger
and fear that make you gradually become very irritable
and easily react emotionally. The feeling then gradually
arises with your little impact-providing commitment that
this  can  not  continue  endlessly,  especially  because  the
child's positive response to your extra effort is lacking.

171

... or how emotional exhaustion occurs.

There is a danger that you will gradually question your
parental skills and your parental competence, that you
will gradually lose your self-confidence in this area, be-
cause you are increasingly confronted with not knowing
how to manege it as parent. You do not know how to
deal with the situation of your child and your child self,
so that additional tensions would arise. Especially the
decrease or lack of a clear vision on parenting makes so-
meone more vulnerable.
... or how decreasing competence feeling appears.

An additional danger is that your attitude towards your
child and your task as a parent becomes increasingly ne-
gative and you start to believe less and less in your child
and your task. This way you can gradually slide down to

Recently, Leuven researchers developed a new defi-
nition of burnout, with five core symptoms that can
be  seen  as  characteristics  of  (emotional)  exhaus-
tion. They  are  physical  and  psychological  exhaus-
tion; cognitive loss of control, such as concentration
and memory problems; emotional loss of control, ex-
pressing  itself  in  pronounced  emotional  reac-
tions; depressive  symptoms,  which  is  similar  to  de-
pression; and mental distance, expressing itself as a
mental distance from the present assignment.

172

a more cynical view of your child and your stated paren-
tal assignment. It does not yield much or anything with
your child who is disappointing.
... or how depersonalisation occurs.

Emotional  exhaustion,  a  decreasing  sense  of  compe-
tence  and  depersonalization  are  generally  seen  as  the
three related core characteristics of burnout.

Risks
It will be clear that a developing burnout does not only
entail a risk for yourself as a parent, but also for your ac-
tions towards your child and for your child.

1. risk to yourself
            . general feeling of powerlessness
            . permanent feeling of tension and pressure
            . doubt of own possibilities as a parent
            . much as a burden and difficult to experience
            . disinterested and isolated (want to be left
              alone, ...)
            . not be able to distance, nothing can be relative
               or let away

2. risk for your actions to your child
            . easily act emotionally charged towards your
              child: disappointed, excited, angry, ...
            . act impatiently with your child
            . slight tolerance towards the child

173

            . mood fluctuations and volatility
               in your dealings with child
            . increased pressure on your child
            . lack of energy, interest and sense of
              interaction with child

. show escape behavior or neglect behavior

            . easily conflictual interaction
            . in the background risk of abusing your child
              (hitting, heavy punishment, ...)

3. risk for your child
            . show your disappointing image of
              child (child as a nuisance, ...)
            . the development of negative self-image in your
              child because of your reactions
            . to develop a low self-esteem feeling
              because of the lack of confirmation
            . in the background risk for emotional neglect
              (disinterest, rejecti

on, …)

In summary, there is a risk that your actions will show
signs of overcompensation, giving up or escaping

Consequences of burnout
When the daily stress of being a parent continues,
it can lead to a burnout. This is an intense exhaus-
tion that leads parents to feel detached from their

174

child  and  become  insecure  about  their  parenting
skills. In today's society and cultural context, there
is  a  lot  of  pressure  on  parents.  However,  it  is  not
possible to be a perfect parent. Trying to do so can
lead to exhaustion, with the risk of achieving just the
opposite as intended.  This according to recent re-
search at the French-speaking University of Leuven.

The research showed that burnout can have serious
consequences for both parent and child. For parents
emotional  exhaustion,  emotional  detachment  and
parental  feelings  of  inefficiency.    For  children,  ne-
glect of physical, educational and emotional needs,
confrontation  with  a  parent's  thinking  to  abandon
them  and  a  propensity  of  their  parents  to  verbal,
physical or psychological abuse.

Parental burnout and parental neglect also showed
a circular relationship: parental burnout led to more
parental neglect, which in turn led to more burnout,
and so on.

The  study  indicates  that parents should  know  that
self-care is good for themselves and their child and
that when they feel severely exhausted, they should
seek help. Anything that allows parents to recharge
their  batteries  to  prevent  exhaustion  is  therefore
also beneficial for their child. It is best for parents to
avoid  putting  too  much  pressure  on  themselves,
such as expecting too much of themselves and wan-

175

How to prevent burnout
. Identifying signs of evolving bur-

nout  in  a  timely  manner,  in
yourself,  in  dealing  with  child-
ren, in children themselves as a
reaction  to  your  dealings.   No-
ticing  changes  that  occur  pro-
gressively, such as no longer re-
cognizing themselves at certain
points.

. Perceiving causes in yourself

(loss  of  control),  in  your
dealings with child (conflict, dis-
tance,  misunderstanding,  ...)
and  in  child  (insecurity,  uncer-
tainty, ...).

. Reduce causes and, if possible,

eliminate them.

. Add protective factors (partner,

friends, family members, self-
care, ...).

Emma  Mansour,  psy-
chologist  and  psycho-
therapist,  proposes  to
prevent burnout, to pay
attention  to  yourself.
According  to  her,  a
glass  jar  with  marbles

can be helpful.

Every

marble that you add re-
presents a moment or
an

action

self-

care.

Like, for example,

taking a break or just

moving.

Every marble

you  take  away  corres-
ponds  to,  for  example,
skipping  a  moment  of

rest or not moving.

Ac-

cording to her, it is then
essential  to  keep  as
many marbles as possi-
ble  in  the  cup  and  in
this way be reminded in
time  of  the  need  for
self-care.

too much expectations of themselves and wanting
to do too much. So exhaustion can be avoided and
also the harmful consequences associated with it.

176

. Reduce risk factors (stressful work situation, deman-

dingness, perfectionism, ...).

. Increase carrying capacity (parent skills, expand used

parenting methods and responses, ...).

. Reduce load (help, share parenting task, ...).

. Call on social network for conversation or to relieve you

practically. For example, participating in parent groups
or chatting online.

. Break through continuity in load (temporary relief, op-

portunity to gain strength, ...).

. Pay attention to available energy: keep reserve, charge

batteries in time, take breaks in time, spread out, di-
vide, ...

. Focusing on and recognizing the positive: focus on

whatworks and is okay, being happy with small succes-
ses and going step by step.

. Don't pursue perfectionism.

Parents who worry and who lack a vision are sometimes
presented as more vulnerable to burnout. However, this

177

is a circular process. The gradually increasing vulnerabi-
lity undermines self-confidence, makes people insecure,
increases worry, and doubts the existing vision.
You can also take into account that what you just want
to avoid (such as not being able to cope, losing control,
getting exhausted, ...) is likely to occur due to your incre-
ased effort.

Apology
It can be a good idea for an experienced increasing fai-
lure in dealing with your child, to :

 not just accusing your child, as if your child is a

big problem. But to recognize that from an evol-
ving burnout everything is presented more nega-
tively, more magnified and less nuanced than it
is, so that no possibilities for rearing are seen and
tried out,

 not just blame yourself, as if you were not able or

willing to raise your child. But to recognize that
from a developing burnout your ways of dealing
with your child are presented as more negative,
problematic and less nuanced, so that no action
possibilities are seen and tried.

Stress and burnout
Every parent experiences sometimes to get out of ba-
lance and out of selfcontrol, yet he quickly regains con-
trol over himself and the situation. This is typical for

178

stress. Many children know these stress reactions from
their parents, without this really giving them problems.

Some  parents  are  constantly  experiencing  loss  of  self-
control and can no longer find their balance, so that for
a  long  time  the  feeling  arises  that  they  no  longer  have
any control over themselves and the situation. This is ty-
pical  for  burnout. For  children,  burnout  consequences
can best be avoided, it causes more than transient pro-
blems for them.

Children respond very differently to a parental burnout
Many  children  have  noticed  or  felt  for  some  time  that
the relationship with the parent is becoming increasingly
tense and difficult. They also come under tension, which
can evolve to a more permanent state of tension.

Even though children sometimes do their utmost not to
increase the tension (being good, being quiet, not com-
plaining, keeping a distance, keeping quiet, sensing how
the mood is of parent, being careful in response, not da-
ring to react, ... ), yet the experienced tension causes fee-
lings of tension, such as agitation, irritability, fear, inse-
curity, guilt, disappointment and lethargy. The child can
respond to this with restless behavior, irritable behavior,
with uncertain behavior, with passive behavior and with
physical reactions.

180

Out of the center

we look at a group, we see group members who be-

long more to the center of the group.  We also see group
members who belong less to the center. Sometimes we
see group members who are on the edge of the group or
even  over  the  edge. Physically they are still part of the
group,  but  mentally  they  have  distanced  themselves
from  it  or  they  were  socially  excluded. Sometimes  se-
veral group members can be in this situation at the same
time. It will be clear that they find each other easily.

The  more  someone  is  at  the  center  of  the  group,  the
more someone will be inclined to refer in his or her act-
ions to what lives and guides in the group. The more so-
meone is out of the center, the less someone will be in-
clined  to  refer  to  what  lives  in  the  group  and  is  direc-
tive. The chance is then great that someone in his doing

What if a child no longer identifies himself with the
family group?

181

will refer to himself or to the subgroup who is also out of
the center.

The  reasons  why  someone  is  out  of  the  center  can  be
very diverse. On the one hand, they can relate to the less
favorable attitude of the group towards the group mem-
ber,  or  they  may  have  to  deal  with  group  members
themselves that for some reason do not fit or find con-
nection or want to find with the group, or also they can
have  to  deal  with  less  favorable  experiences  with  each
other as a result of being incompatible with each other
or not being able or willing to become compatible.

Those who are more in the center have more reasons to
comply with the group. Such a person gets more bene-
fits  from  the  group  through  his  conformation. Those
who are more out of the center have fewer reasons to
comply with the group. Such a person may derive more
benefits from the distance to the center of the group due
to  less  conformation. It  are  the  advantages  of  turning
with the group that makes someone move to the center
of the group. Once those benefits are lost, there is a risk
that  someone  will  distance  himself  more  from  the
group. In this way one easily ends up in a negative circu-
larity,  which  progressively  pushes  someone  from  the
core.
Primarily, on the one hand, there is a bridge between pa-
rents and children, and on the other hand a bridge bet-

182

ween child and the wider environment, say society.   So-
metimes parents end up in a struggle with their child, so
that the child will be more out of the center of the fa-
mily. This can make it particularly difficult for the child to
bridge the family group, so that the child could be in the
center of the family group.  Sometimes you may notice
that  parents  are  struggling  with  society  and  moving
more from the center of society and their environment.
This can make it particularly difficult to create a bridge
for the child to society, so that the child could be at the
center of the environment and society.

ometimes parents can determine to their despair that

their child apparently does not respond as they should
expect as a minimum. The child does not conform to the
customs that are customary in the family or are expec-
ted.    Apparently  the  child  sails  a  different  course,  res-
ponds  to  something  else,  something  that  is  strange  to
the parents. The child apparently does not refer to the
family group in his expression and reaction. The child ap-
parently refers to himself or another group, with which
it is more related or connected or feels. In dealing with
this, this easily gives rise to stress and conflict situations
that can cause a lot of stress in the child but also in the
parents. On  this  stress  the  child  can  react  with  excite-
ment  and  agression  because  of  the  collision,  but  also
with  pronounced  grief  and  uncertainty  because  of  the
perceived distance. Parents then clash with this excite-
ment,  these  outbursts  of  rage,  or  this  stagnation,  this

183

inability  and  grief. The  child  does  not  give  itself  to  the
group  that  offers  insufficient  safety,  space  and  recog-
nisability for it.  The child prefers the safety and familia-
rity of itself or another group that allows more stability
and less risk. In other words, there is an attachment pro-
blem that expresses itself with the child in an attachment
disorder.

Parents can have a hard time with this situation, which
often also gets a habit and possibly leads to increasingly
serious  problems. Parents  often  also  take  as  standard
that the child refers to what applies in the family. They
can hardly accept that the child is out of the center and
even beyond the boundary of the family group.

Starting from this reality, that their child is self- or alter-
native referential, and if they can accept this reality, this
can  lead  to  steps  towards  each  other,  without  thre-
atening. Parents  need  not  feel  threatened  and
misunderstood as a family group, the child does not have
to  feel  threatened  and  pressured. This  mutual  security
can  provide  a  favorable  basis  for  getting  closer  toge-
ther. You  can  maintain  your  own  core  and  space,  and
steps  can  be  taken  to  another  core  and  space  without
this risk or loss.

From a dreamed we-feeling, over an actual I-feeling, to
get  gradually  away  from  being  together  next  to  each
other, in order to arrive at a desired together-with-each-

184

other, with guarantee for sufficient autonomy and main-
taining its own integrity at the same time.

ometimes parents can distant themselves in some

way  or  another  through  less  favorable  experiences  in
contact  with  society  or  authorities  within  society. They
then develop their own culture away from the center of
the  society,  or  they  already  received  that  non-cultural
culture from home, a home that did not feel as socially
happy either.

Instead of trust in society, trust came in their own con-
victions and strategies. This own way of dealing with the
environment is often passed on to the child. It is often
about alternative or inverted values and norms that ap-
ply  as  a  way  of  thinking  and  behavior. For  example,
where a well-thought-out action is considered desirable
in society, an impulsive reaction as habitual behavior is
put  in  place  instead. Where  in  society  taking  into  ac-
count  environmental  expectations  is  preferable,  prefe-
rence is given to stubbornly adhering to own momentary
desires. Where  in  society  there  are  attempts  to  avoid
confrontation as much as possible, direct confrontation
is chosen. Where in a confrontation - if not to exclude -
the boundary is laid in a word dispute, it is easily threa-
tened  with  physical  confrontation  to  show  its  own  po-
wer. Where healthy trust prevails in society, a cautious
distrust is assumed.

185

Many of these own references, as a foundation, want to
protect themselves from becoming victims of the envi-
ronment. What  is  assumed  is  considered  to  be  of  in-
fluence, by acting in this way one experiences effect for
themselves. On  the  edge  of  the  group,  what  society  is
suggesting  is  insufficient  to  work  and  produce  an  ef-
fect. By postponing something and striving for effect in
the longer term, as often pushed forward in society, such
a  person  does  not  gain  opportunities,  but  experiences
them  to  lose  and  to  miss  out  on  his  chances. What  is
indeed possible, if one can no longer count on others.

From  the  center  of  the  group  -  family  or  community
group -  there  is  a risk  of  ending  up  in  a  negative  spiral
that moves someone further and further from the center
to  or  over  the  edge. The  unpleasant  contacts  with  the
group  lead  to  negative  reactions  or  a  lack  of  res-
ponse. Such  reactions  in  turn  lead  to  even  more  un-
pleasant  interactions  by  the  group.    Gradually,  incom-
prehension, hostility and rejection, or an increased risk,
develop along one or both sides. This misunderstanding,
this hostility and that rejection give reasons for pushing
someone  out  of  the  center  and  withdrawing  from  the
center. Because  of  this  double  action,  this  process  can
proceed  quickly  and  take  an  extreme  form. In this  way
each tries to protect himself - the group and who is iso-
lated. Due to this interaction method, the need and ne-
cessity to protect themselves is also becoming increasin-

186

gly apparent. Every agreement, every band, every com-
munity threatens to be lost more and more for a longer
period of time.

All reasons to prevent pushing someone out of the cen-
ter or withdrawing himself. This can be done by preven-
ting  negative  spiral  formation. Specifically,  this  can  be
done by, among other things, recognizing the various re-
ference forms. By avoiding a battle between different re-
ference centers because of the contradiction or the dis-
tance.  By bringing together multiple references and see-
ing  what  the  similarities  are,  what  the  additions  are,
what multiple interests entail and ask for attention and
seek attention. By proposing alternative references with
opportunities to open up to this without having to hold
back a threat. By creating a new reference group for an
increasing part or the whole for the future where every-
one can feel safe. By avoiding that anyone who already
has the tendency to withdraw from the center  get fur-
ther away.

magine

that you are in a weak position in a group.

Imagine that you are all alone in a group.
Imagine you do not notice it.
Imagine that others do not accept you as you are.
Imagine that others are against you.
Imagine that doing your best to belong to the group
makes little difference.

187

Imagine to perceive you do not seem to be and do like
others.

How would you experience this?
How would you feel?
How would you react?
How would you protect yourself?
How would you try to avoid repetition?
What effect could this have on you in time (self-esteem,
self-confidence, isolation, taking initiative, ...)?
How would you act as an educator towards someone
who experiences this?

erhaps is often too little understood the importance

of belonging to the center of a group. Perhaps too little
is  seen  the  reality  that  many,  individuals  or  subgroups
are located out of the center. This reality is also often not
accepted. This often causes pressure on those who are
out of the center. Too little is perhaps seen the signifi-
cance  of  being  able  to  make  a  contribution  and  to  be
able to continue to strive continuously to let belong as
many  individuals  and  subgroups  as  possible  to  the
group. Perhaps it is possible to use this difference not as
an  element  of  exclusion  but  as  a  referential  for  belon-
ging. So you can to a certain extent be yourself and be-
long to the group.

se the figure above for your child to mark the place in

or out of the center of the family and cohabitation group.

188

Circular
influence

Provoke
A child has a whole register of perceptions, feelings, de-
sires,  thoughts,  memories,  fantasies,  body  sensations,
expressions and reactions of which some are awakened
under  certain  circumstances,  in  certain  situations  and
contexts, or which the child evokes for himself in func-
tion of what it wants to achieve, maintain or avoid.

As a parent or educator you also have a whole register
of  perceptions,  feelings,  desires,  thoughts,  memories,
fantasies,  body  sensations,  expressions  and  reactions,
some  of  which  are  awakened  under  certain  cir-
cumstances, in certain situations and contexts, or which

What you say or do
can be a reaction to your child.

Your reaction can then again be the starting point for
the child to which it in turn reacts.

189

you yourself call forth in yourself in function of what you
want to achieve, maintain or avoid.

Mutual influence
When  we  respond  or  act  as  parents  or  educators,  we
may lure a reaction or action with the child in connection
with  the  activated  perceptions,  feelings,  desires,
thoughts, memories, fantasies, body sensations.

This  can  be  a  reaction  or  action  that  we  choose  or
want. However, it can also  be the opposite reaction or
action that we do not prefer and just do not want. This
action or reaction of your child can in turn provoke a cer-
tain action or reaction that is not desirable for the child
or the child himself does not want. As a parent or child
you can be aware of this circular process of mutual in-
fluence in the form of provocation or not. A mutual in-
fluence  that  takes  the  form  of  circular  triggering  pro-
cesses.  Parenting is rightly described as a complemen-
tary and circular process, in which both parent and child
are involved and successively active.

. With  our  impatience,  we  often  try  to  encourage  our
child  to  start,  continue  or  stop  something. The  impa-
tience  can,  however,  provoke  resistance  and  possibly
provoke  a  blockage  in  the  child. Just  what  we  did  not
want at all.  However, we just wanted the opposite, some
more  flexibility  and  mobility. The  resistance  and  the
blocking  and  the  lack  of  flexibility  and  mobility  of  the

190

child can arouse displeasure and cause even more impa-
tience. Just the opposite of what the child needs and de-
sires.    This  can  then  generate  more  resistance  in  the
child. Because of their own  performance each of them
leads  to  the  opposite  of  what  to  choose. The  resulting
reaction of each provokes the opposite of what together
and  what  also  each  wants  for  themselves. With  impa-
tience  and  resistance  as  a  result,  while  each  preferred
patience and cooperation.

If  this  occurs  repeatedly,  or  permanently,  or  still  very
pronounced, then the chances of provoking each other's
behavior increase more, each of which wanted to coun-
teract its own actions. Everyone's reaction increases the
chance of repetition, no longer ceasing or at a pronoun-
ced  intensity,  as  a  result  of  which  each  still  wanted  to
adjust the other person. The other person, who, howe-
ver,  by  your  own  performance,  is  less  and  less  activa-
table for what you wanted, but on the contrary streng-
thens flight into what you endeavor to achieve with rigi-
dity and more extreme action.

. If  you  easily  take  the  lead  in  avoiding  indecision,  this
can just provoke indecision, because  the other can not
practice making his own choice and because your deci-
sion definitely accentuates the lesser decision as weaker,
what is also perceived as thus by the other. The weak de-
termination of the child then triggers your decision and

191

initiative, which is the larger as the child is more indeci-
vise. By  triggering  the  opposite  together  the  origin  of
each other's problem is strengthened and the situation
evolves in a negative and more pronounced sense.

There is a high risk that everyone gradually resigns to the
development- and change-adverse situation and there-
fore requires each other to continue in the unfavorable
reaction.

. As a parent you do not expect any decision and initia-
tive from your child anymore and you endure his indeci-
siveness and passivity. As a child, you do not expect to
be able to make more efforts to be more self-determi-
ned  and  to  take  the  initiative,  and  in  this  way  you  can
sustain  the  superiority  of  the  parent. In  this  way  you
keep  provoking  each  other,  which  prevents  everyone
from allowing change and development.

Unfavorable mutual influence
As a parent you run the risk of negatively influencing the
behavior  of  the  child  through  this  mutual  provocation
process with your own behavior. You run the risk of hol-
ding  each  other  in  a  mutually  unconverted  expression
and behavioral pattern that is re-activated each time by
its own expression and behavioral pattern. An additional
risk is that you permanently reinforce each other in this
pattern. So that you feel at a certain moment that it can
not go on like this. You do not want your child to evolve

192

further  in  that  direction. By  possibly  feeling  that  you
have  too  few  expectations  and  demands  on  your  child
and being too accommodating and too weak, you risk in-
creasing  your  actions,  with  a  more  pronounced  un-
wanted behavior of your child, something against which
you just came up.

. Your  dominance  that  provokes  dependence  on  your

child, which in turn triggers your dominance.

. Your talk that triggers the silence of your child, which in

turn triggers your talk.

. Your attack that provokes defense with your child,

which in turn triggers your attack.

. Your control which evokes hiding in your child, which in

turn triggers your control.

. Your criticism that provokes passivity in your child,

which in turn triggers your criticism.

. Your agression that provokes rebellion in your child,

which in turn triggers your agression.

. Your compete that provokes withdrawal from your

child, which in turn triggers rivalry.

. Your doubt that provokes uncertainty in your child,

which in turn triggers your doubt.

. Your superiority that provokes submissiveness in your

child, which in turn triggers your superiority.

. Your know-all that provokes know-nothing with your

child, which in turn triggers know-all with you.

193

. Your compliance and following that provokes doing is

own thing in your child, which in turn triggers your
compliance and following.

. Your constantly limitation of your child that elicits

boundlessness from your child, which in turn triggers
your defining of boundaries.

. Your constantly commanding and adjusting that pro-

vokes carelessness in your child, which in turn triggers
your commands and adjustments.

The  toddler's  stubbornness,  for  example,  can  lead  to a
range of dysfunctional responses from the parent inclu-
ding  limiting  the  child's autonomous  desires,  giving  ex-
cessive  directions,  or  disrupting  his  chances  of  develo-
ping independent skills to regulate his behavior. This can
lead to even more resistance from the child to maintain
himself. The parent's intent in being overdirective is to
manage and control the child's behavior.

However, when parents know how to deal with this in a
calm,  confident  way,  responding  with  more  autonomy
support and less disruptive and controlling behavior, the
child will come out less powerful and more benevolent.
It experiences a certain space and it experiences gaining
influence. The negative spiral is then reversed.

Research by New York University showed, by way of illu-
stration, that negative parenting in early childhood has

194

consequences  for  later.  Negative  parenting  was  reflec-
ted  in  negative  emotions  towards  the  child  and  rough
treatment  of  the  child  that  escalated  over  time  during
conflict. This led to pronounced negative emotions and
violent  reactions  of  the  child,  which  in  turn  fueled  the
hostility  of  the  parent.  Negative  parenting  and  not  so
much  the  temperament  of  the  child  appeared  to  pave
the way for hostility and negative emotions in parent and
child  during  the  toddler  years,  with  the  worst  in  every
one  coming  up.  This  resulted  later  in  more  behavioral
problems at school for the child.

Favorable mutual influence
While these circular triggering processes entail the risk
of both coming out where you do not want to and hol-
ding  each  other.    They  on  the  other  hand  have  the
chance  to  trigger  the  positive  behavior  themselves  by
adjusting their own expression and their own actions in
such a way that allows behavioral change at both sides
and  that  can  activate  it. It  is  not  always  possible  to
change your child directly, but by changing your own in-
put you create opportunities to activate change in your
child. Because of the positive reaction that you provokes
with your child, it can in turn activate a further positive
relationship with your child. In this way you elicit a posi-
tive  expression  and  behavior  pattern,  you  keep  each
other in this and you create opportunities for another in-
crease.

195

. Your positivity that provokes openness with your child,

which in turn triggers your positivity.

. Your willingness to help that provokes cooperation with

your child, which in turn triggers your willingness.

. Your discretion that provokes confidence in your child,

which in turn triggers your discretion.

. Your respect that provokes respect with your child,

which in turn triggers your respect.

. Your calm that provokes peace with your child, which

in turn triggers your calm.

. Your sense of perspective that deactivates panic in your

child, which in turn triggers your relativity.

. Giving responsibility to your child that activates your

child's responsibility, which in turn triggers your giving
of responsibility.

Where you as a parent do not succeed in direct influen-
cing your child, you can always use the indirect by chan-
ging your own expression and behavior, and thus chan-
ging the expression and behavior of your child.

. For example, if you want your child to become calm and
your insistence does not help, you can always try to set
a calm tone yourself or you can let a difficulty rest for a
while or you can try to avoid escalation and provoke rest
with your child.

196

Parents can sometimes see that, for example, one posi-
tivity is not the other, the first does not result in open-
ness, the other does. It is then important to be positive
in the right way, so that it can activate the openness and
de-activate  the  closedness. Possibly  there  was  insuffi-
cient attention to de-activate the child's closedness, so
that the activated openness did not in itself receive suf-
ficient chances.

Multiple triggering patterns
What  provokes  each  with  the  other  can  be  very  diffe-
rent. We already indicated that there can be a positive
influence,  but  also  a  negative  one.    It  may  be  that  you
hold  each  other  in  the  opposite  pole  and  that  you  are
reinforced  in  this  opposition. It  may  also  be  that  you
maintain  an  action  and  reaction,  where  no  one  wants
any  concessions  or  changes. This  way  you  both  trigger
each  other  to  exhibit  a  kind  of  mirror  behavior. My  di-
sagreement  with  you  provokes  an  unconfirmed  res-
ponse. The  opposite  is  also  possible  that  you  can  each
respond to each other and you let each respond to each
other. Your noticed confidence provokes me to be con-
fident. Your  adult  approach  lures  me  an  adult  reac-
tion. Thus,  in  addition  to  a  complementary  triggering
process, a symmetrical or similar triggering process can
occur. How  you  approach  each  other  will  determine
which interaction process is triggered.

197

With a complementary and a symmetrical lure pattern,
each of you tries to avoid or prevent something that you
are afraid of or  have resistance to. Especially your per-
ception of each other and of each other's expected reac-
tion elicits your own expression and actions. Wanting to
move forward with your child in a certain direction can
cause your child to slow down or steer in a different di-
rection.  Getting you along as a parent for something the
child wants, can make you as a parent responds indeci-
sive or responds to something else.

With a similar triggering pattern you try to make every
effort to achieve something together or to retain what
you prefer and where you want to go. Your acceptable
approach  to  your  child  can  cause  your  child  to  refrain
from  any  reproach. Not  blaming  each  other  and  not
wanting to punish each other, can make you stand toge-
ther  on  the  trail  of  commitment  and  to  support  each
other.

Known by parents ... and child
Parents are sometimes aware of this mutual inducement
process in one way or another.  They say to their child
because you do not listen, I have to deny you this privi-
lege. I  would  like  to  give  you  this  privilege,  this  is  only
possible  if  you  promise  to  listen. Children  sometimes
also indicate this. I'm angry with you because you forbid
me this. They also immediately indicate how the parent

198

can take away their anger. Something that is not always
obvious to the parent.

Parents also sometimes use this provocation process as
a  condition  to  adjust  their  child's  behavior. I'll  listen  if
you do not yell.  They then make it clear that yelling of
the child does not activate their listening and that it can
not de-activate not listening. Children do this too. I will
do this if you are no longer angry.

In certain cases each can be difficult, to use as a means
to  get  from  each  other  that  he  originally  or  spontane-
ously did not want. In those cases it is best to handle it
carefully. It could lead to something circular by your in-
dulgence to provoke something that you do not want at
all and so to strengthen it. Your child always yells to in-
duce  you  to  listen  indirectly,  so  that  it  can reward  you
with quiet talking. You are always bad tempered to indi-
rectly induce your child to do what you want so that you
can reward it with your calm.

More or less mutual influence
Possibly multiple circular triggering processes are mixed
together. Multiple  between  the  same  people. But  also
with various other relevant people. For example, as a pa-
rent you may sometimes notice that if you try to reach
change  in  your  child  by  changing  your  own  expression
and  behavior,  this  does  not  have  the  expected  re-
sult. Your child may then be stuck in other dependencies

199

with  you  or  with  other  persons  relevant  to  your  child
from his environment. Your child wants to listen because
you also listen to your child, but your reproach to your
child prevents your child from being very open. Or your
child may feel obliged by his bond with his sister to do
very superficially on certain topics. Other elements that
elicit other behavior prevent you from achieving the de-
sired behavioral change in your child through your beha-
vioral change.

Sometimes  as  a  parent  you  may  notice  that  your  own
change does not bring about the desired change in your
child. There is a change in your child, but the content and
the form do not match what you prefer.

. By intervening less constantly, you child become more
autonomous. However,  the  autonomy  that  you  deter-
mine is not what you prefer. You want your child to be
less  helpless,  but  you  did  not  immediately  want  your
child to make his own choices.

Sometimes you can also notice that your change has no
influence  at  all  on  your  child,  without  the  afore  men-
tioned  inhibiting  factors  playing. The  reaction  pattern
that your child showed might have little to do with mu-
tual influence, but had arisen earlier or in a different con-
text. At most, you can try to create a different reaction
pattern through your interaction with the child.

200

. Your  child  easily  uses  power  words  that  it  may  have
picked up outside. No matter how calm you act as a pa-
rent, the child grabs if you limit it to these terms of ex-
pression. As a parent, you can try to get the child to ex-
press his feelings more directly, and to activate this reac-
tion  scheme  rather  than  the  force  word  use
schema. Damn it, not back again' as 'If I do not like it then
I feel anger coming'.

Victim-offender mutual influence
With your actions you can easily victimize the other per-
son. Whoever is a victim can then easily feel entitled to
victimize the other in turn, because of the damage and
the shortages you experienced yourself and because of
the  absence  of  recognition. Given  the  possible  circula-
rity, each can victimize the other, making it only worse.

. You have repeatedly asked your child to help.  You al-
ways assume that you have everything to do alone. You
also feel little willing to respond to a question from your
child. It does not matter that you would make an effort
for him or her. Only when your child is willing to apolo-
gize and to recognize how it does you wrong will you be
prepared to do something for him or her.

. Your  child  has  already  repeatedly  indicated  that  he
finds it very bad to be laughed at whenever he indicates
that  he  can  not  do  something  alone. He  still  feels  little
willing to answer questions from you, partly because of

201

fear of receiving comments again. In his eyes you do not
deserve that he would do something that you could pos-
sibly reproach him for too little independent. Only when
you promise not to laugh at him or her anymore and you
admit that this was unjustified, you can hope for some
compliance.

By having an eye on how to rightly repair injustice and to
undo or limit damage, you may be able to break through
the negative spiral and can generate willingness and
compensation together. This can be enhanced by recog-
nizing everyone's merit and acknowledging each other.

Yourself as standing in the way
As a parent, you can be aware of the fact that you may
be in the way with circular influencing by your own act-
ions, so that you may not be able to activate what you
want with your child.

Your distance to your child who possibly activates the
proximity search of your child, but at the same time en-
sures that more distance can not succeed. Your distance
blocks a possible distance from your child. Conversely, it
also applies that the proximity search of your child is a
stand in the way for more distance as a parent and en-
sures that more distance can not succeed. The proximity
of the child blocks a possible distance from you towards
your child.

202

Your talking that activates the silence of your child, but
at  the  same  time  makes  sure  that  more  of  your child's
talking is not possible. Your talking blocks a possible talk
from your child. Conversely, the silence of your child is a
stand in the way of not talking to you. The silence of your
child blocks a possible silence from you.

Who comes first, what comes later
In mutual influence, you notice that you exert mutual in-
fluence on each other in the negative, so that a negative
and escalating spiral arises, or in the positive, so that a
positive and strengthening spiral can arise.

In this spiral you follow each other and you react to each
other.  Your child flees you, so you go after it. It's just the
same for your child. You go after your child, so the child
flees you.

To break this spiral, you can choose not to follow each
other, but take the lead yourself and you can also choose
not  to  respond  to  each  other,  but  prefer  to choose  an
'acting'  or  initiative.  Your  behavior starts  with  yourself,
with  something  that  you  choose.  My  child  always  runs
away  from  me,  so  I  always  walk  behind  it.  I  choose  to
walk in front and I do not go after my child to come back.
My child will increasingly be tempted to walk away from
their own experience, to stay and follow more and more.
Your  child  reacts,  you  act.  Your  child  follows,  you  take
the lead. In circular triggering processes, it is therefore

203

important to recognize who can be provoked and reac-
ted and who provokes and acts.

In the past, attention has not always been paid to who in
the first place provokes and who is provoked. Whoever
provokes colors immediately where it comes to turn. For
example, dominance and dependence, such as self-con-
fidence and uncertainty. Who finally set the tone? If it
is the dependency and insecurity of the child, then there
is a great risk of domination and self-confidence of pa-
rents. However, if the parents set the tone by their do-
minance and self-assurance and occupy the correspon-
ding place for the child, they may force their child into
complementary dependency and uncertainty. However,
if they leave room for their child, this can easily result in
a  symmetrical  dominance  and  self-confidence  in  the
child.

Whoever takes the lead or acts has more choice, for him
or her it is more wanted. Who follows or reacts has less
freedom of choice, for him or her it is made more so. For
example, anyone who compels and is not inclined to lis-
ten will possibly have to deal with someone who shows
increasing  resistance  and  resistance  even  if  the  latter
does not want it at all. However, his or her response will
promptly  provide  for  justice  and  instigation  of  more
coercion with less listening. From the second, his nega-
tive  sides  can  then  increasingly  be  addressed,  while  it

204

would never have come about in itself or in another con-
text. But this is provoked by the initial stubborn compul-
sion of the former.

Those who can

’t do something will ask for help from

those who can do something. The help offered can make
that  something  is  never  learned. The  weaknesses  are
maintained  by  the  strengths  of  the  other. The  weakest
takes the lead and makes the strongest respond.

Determining  who  takes  dominant  initiative  for  the  na-
ture of the circularity can also immediately explain why
undergoing  violence  or  abuse  of  the  child  can  not  be
seen  as  provocative,  but  its  the  parent,  and  the  child
does not have a share in this event.

Whereas in the first place everyone's reaction was a con-
sequence  of  what  preceded  as  a  cause,  everyone's
action can therefore become a means for what is aimed
at as a goal.   In this case, both can also take the lead and
responsibility together for what you want together. This
prevents both of them from falling victim to what both
do not want together.

Unfavorable unwanted (schema) activations
Someone lures it out or obliges you to activate a certain
schema  that  is  undesirable  for  yourself. A  schema  as  a
way  to  record,  observe  and  respond. In  a  relationship
this often happens mutual and escalating towards each

205

other. To an increasing degree, the intensity or the num-
ber  of  schemes  for  recording,  perception  and  reaction
are often unconsciously increased.

For example, in a parent-child relationship, a child goes
into  attack  and  tries  to  dominate,  so  that  the  parent
wants to defend himself and tries to restore the balance
of power in order to protect himself and keep the whole
thing  going.  This  may  provoke  more  attack  and  domi-
nance in the child. The parent may try to distance or re-
fuse  to  respond  to  reduce  the  impact  and  destructive-
ness,  potentially  allowing  the  child  to  try  to  hold  and
claim the parent more. Through the child, schemas, such
as sides and parts, are activated in the parent in such a
way  that  the  parent  himself  does  not  wish  at  all  and
spontaneously never would. The parent, however, must
follow the schema dance started by the child and stepped
up. It does this to keep it livable and working and not to
make it worse.  Both will easily have the impression that
the  other  person  started  and  is  the  basis  of  the  com-
pulsory schema dance.

Another  example,  a  child  easily  disposes  of  everything.
This obliges the parent to follow and keep everything in
order. Because the parent takes over and keeps an eye
on everything, the child makes it even easier, after all can
be counted on the parent. Two processes may occur here:
the child is incapable of independence or not yet capable
of doing so, and the activated schemes with the parent

206

do not promote autonomy in any way and may prevent
it. If serious problems are to be prevented and to remain
fully functional, the parent will have to keep the schemas
that have been provoked at his own will.

Possibly  a  combination  of  dominance  and  dependence
occurs. This is, for example, when a child demands that
the parent does everything. This creates a very difficult
situation for the parent. The parents will have to defend
themselves if they do not want to go down completely,
at the same time they will have to take great care. If it is
possible to defend itself by not automatically taking on
everything,  the  child  may  be  unwilling  to  notice  this,
which may lead to more demands and expectations to-
wards the parent. The parent has to activate his defense
and  give  continuous  caring,  which  he  does  not  really
want at all. Sometimes this is reinforced if the child de-
velops hostile feelings in response to what it thinks it is
experiencing. As a parent you will unwittingly end up in
the hostile camp from an activated divide : companion
or opponent, friend or foe. The child then tries to isolate
the parent by choosing party for others against the pa-
rent.

If this hostility adds to the foregoing, an even more com-
plex and contradictory situation arises: as an unwanted
opponent (due to hostility) the parent must then defend
himself (as a result of perceived dominance) in a situa-
tion of care (as a result of experienced self-reliance). .

210

Claim behavior,
demanding a lot of
attention

- "Mom, mom !  Look !'
- "Dad, may I?"
- "Mommy, what is this?
- "Daddy, come and help!"
- "Mom, mom, mom, is this right?"
- "Dad, do I get a piece too?"
- "Mom, I can not join."
- "Daddy, she teases me."
- "Mom, when are we going to grandmother?"
- "Mum, Dad, I'm hungry."

Every  parent  thinks  it's  okay  to  be  there  for  his  child.
Every parent thinks it's okay that his child calls on him or
her.  Every parent thinks it's okay

to give

the child

suffi-

cient attention.

Every child needs attention.

How to deal with it ?

211

This is no problem for parents.  The problem arises when
you, as a parent, have to be too much for your child, if it
appeals too much to you, demands too much attention.

This  too  much  is  very  subjective.    As  a  parent  you  can
quickly find something too much.  Or, at times yourself,
may already be heavily burdened, and so find something
easier too much.

For an important part, the feeling of asking a lot of atten-
tion has to do with yourself as a parent and not with your
child in the first place.  It feels as not pleasant for you, it
overloads you.

As soon as you feel overwhelmed, you will see if you can
not slow this down and how you could actually do this.

You will see if you can slow this down without neglecting
the needs of the child.

You want

to know exactly

which needs of the child are

the  basis  of  his  attention  questions  and  claims.    And
whether these are justified.

You also want to know which reaction, go into or against
your  child  and  helps  your  child  the  most.    In  the  long
term, help your child to get ahead by going into it, or help
your child by going against it or by not responding to it.

212

You can always take this into account in your response:

1. What does it mean for your child in the

short term

now;
2. What does it mean for your child in the

long term

later?

You can also always consider yourself in your response:

1. What means the situation of asking attention for you
now, can you handle it?
2. What means the situation of asking attention for you
in the long term, can you always respond in this way.

Make  sure  you  take  sufficient  notice  what  your  child

learns

from your reaction of what it can repeat in the

future.

Responding to what your child says or asks in a positive
way increases the chance or frequency of repetition of
your child's asking for attention.  If you respond negati-
vely or not, you reduce the chance or frequency of repe-
tition of your child's attention claims.

This  way  you  contribute  to  the  habitual  formation  of
more or fewer attention claims.

Do not react at first and eventually when your child con-
tinues to whine or makes trouble or threatens to make

213

fur, well, you risk to learn your child that it has to

persevere

or must insist to get a desired response from

you.

If you first react positively and afterwards no longer or
negatively, then you risk that your child will repeatedly
look  for  attention  with  short  interruptions  because  it
tries to get what he can now get before you change your
mind.

If you are changing in your reaction, then your child's at-
tention will easily be drawn to this.  His sense of it makes
sense or it does not, works lesser then.  By following up
and  thinking  about  the  situation,  he  wants  to  find  out
what he can or can not expect.

He will then easily

match

his attention-seeking behavior

to what he expects

. What he expects will also depend

on what you expect.  If you would like your child to claim
your  attention, this  can also  be  picked  up  by  the  child.
Your  child  who  is  also  responsible  for  the  atmosphere
and comfort of daily life.

Today,  a  child  takes  an  important  place  in  the  social
event for his parents.  A lot often comes to turn around
the child.  The child receives a lot of attention at the ta-
ble.  Parents talk with the child and what the child does
is often followed with attention.

214

Children can feel which place they occupy

and what

is expected of them.  They often enjoy the attention they
receive and the role they play in company.

What they say and do is often given full attention.  There
is also very often positive talk about the child.  This hap-
pens  in  terms  of  how  it  surprises  its  parents  and  what
effort they are willing to make to ensure the child's well-
being.

The  child  does  not  easily  get  the  feeling  that  when  he
reacts positive to this, it would be disruptive for his envi-
ronment.

Because  of  lots  of  attention  that  parents  give  to  the
child, they are also a model  for lots of attention that a
child gives to the parents.  As a child you can easily talk
with your parents because the parents talk a lot to you.

By giving a lot of attention as a parent, you indirectly pass
on the message that the child isn't standing alone, that
he can always turn to someone and that independence
is not something you expect immediately.

The  child  can  deal  with  this

implicit imaging

that you

provide.  And if he has a question or if he encounters a
difficulty,  he  immediately  can  turn  to  the  environment
for an answer or for help.

215

Because you want to be there as a parent for your child,
you do not easily say no. This means that your child will
also easily claim you because you usually go to your child
and agree.

You do not want to

come over as

the forbidding parent

who is strict and does not allow anything.  Or that autho-
ritarian conducts the child.  You prefer to listen to your
child  and  you  want  to  respond  to  him  and  if  possible
agree.

So you can count on the love of your child, you hope, and
do not have to deal with his hatred.  Love that now tran-
slates into joy with you and hatred that can be avoided
by not arousing the anger of your child here and now.

By being somewhat or very insecure as a parent about
being  loved  by  your  child,  you  can  also  easily  arouse
some

uncertainty

in your child. For example, whether

it is still loved by you as a child.  Your child can then ask
for attention by repeatedly asking for confirmation.

The child wants to know if everything is still in order, and
whether what is there now also has your approval.
As a parent you can notice that at certain moments and
times the claiming behavior of the child is stronger and
more frequent.

216

There may be differences that, in addition to the influ-
ence of the upbringing as described here, go back to the
temperament of the child. So one child requires more
attention or is more demanding than the other child.

If the attention-seeking and claiming behavior is tempo-
rary, it may be

related to the development phase

which the child is present.  For example, the one and a
half year old child can want to manifest and seek confir-
mation for him.  Likewise, the child may want to distance
himself  more  from  adolescence  and  want  to  stand  up
more and try to enforce this position if necessar.

If the size of the nuclear family is small, such as a child
alone, and if the social network is limited, because there
is  little  contact  and  interaction  with  the  environment,
then the pressure of the child mainly comes to the few
members  of  the  family  and  the  small  network.    So the
child  comes  very  quickly  over  as  a  lot  and  very  questi-
oning person.

The restrictive attitude from the

small immediate en-

vironment

is then hardly compensated by a broader en-

vironment  that  allows  more  room  for  maneuver.    The
restraining attitude then very quickly triggers a rebuttal
in  the  child  who  is  characterized  by  fighting  indepen-
dency.  With the awakened attitude not to stop until this
is achieved.

217

If you come too quickly as a parent to comfort or reas-
sure the child, the child also expects your intervention.
He will then make little effort to do so himself if it ends
up in that situation.

As a parent, you can best pay attention to your child and
respond when the child starts to settle down or reassure
himself.  Wait until the child is calmer than before and
reassures  himself  before  you  react.    Knowing  how  to
posphone satisfaction and calm and comfort oneself are

important skills that reduce attention demands

If you constantly go against your child because it does
something that you do not want, the child can gradually
become accustomed to this

negative attention

from

you.    At  your  limitation,  at  your  judgment,  to  your  re-
mark, to your reproach.

The  child  may  unwittingly  provoke  the  same  reaction
from you at other times.  This is because at those times
it feels like something is missing so often, namely your
comments and your reaction.

By  expressing  your  displeasure  at  what  your  child  says
and does, there is a chance that your dissatisfaction also
arouses displeasure in your child.  You are then on a

ne-

gative track

. You want to slow down your child by ex-

pressing your displeasure, and your child is trying to do

218

the same thing to you.  Namely slow you down in your
displeasure by annoying you.

The result, however, is easily a mutually increasing and
escalating  displeasure.    What  is  activated  in  you  acti-
vates something similar in your child.  As if you turn on
each other.  With your emotional expression you infect
your child unwillingly.

A child who gets a lot of attention can keep this attention
going, out of fear that an end would come on it.

He wants to know if he can still count on your attention,
and

constantly

tries

to assure himself

by demanding

your attention and seeing if nothing has changed yet.

In  the  past,  the  child  may  have  gained  the  experience
that he did not receive attention and was left to himself.
He does not want to experience it again.  Hence a cons-
tant check to see if he can count on your attention.

As a parent you do not like the claiming behavior of your
child.  You actually want to go against this and take your
child

the lead

or his over-share. The child easily feels

that you are not favorable to his claiming behavior.

For that reason, it is possible through his constant atten-
tion seeking to ascertain himself whether he still has the
say and you have not taken it over from him or her.

219

Similarly, the birth of a brother or a sister can mean that
he looses a part of the attention of his parents.

The child can then become insecure about

his or her

position

and by looking for attention seeking trying to

know where it stands.  It may possibly have to try to cut
back or undo attention parts.

By  providing  the  child  with  clarity  and  certainty  that  it
will be able to receive sufficient attention, it can be pre-
vented  that  the  child  has  to  found  out  or  has  to  try to
reduce the shared attention.

Often, claiming will become worse at the time the child
fears being confronted with loss.  He wants to get some-
thing or does not want to do something and notices that
this will not work out.  By putting more strength, he still
hopes to achieve its right or advantage.

As  a  parent  you  can  try

to inform

your child

in time

about  what  is  going  to  happen,  so  that  it can  take  this
into account and can already adjust to it or get used to
it.  You can then appeal to your child to go into this and
you can then make appointments.  "You can be strong!"
"How great you are that you can it alone !'    "If you listen,
you may tomorrow." And so on.

It may be possible that you have adjusted your child or
banned  something,  that  your  child's  attention  seeking

220

mean so much as an attempt to undo this or to discou-
rage you from repeating this again.

His nagging attention seeking is the

price

you have to

pay if you deny something or ask for something.

It may not be about attention seeking, but rather about
giving

attention

. It may possible not be about unlear-

ning you something.  On the contrary, attention seeking
may have to do with an attempt to abandon your expec-
tation.

You  can  be  deduced  by  the  attention  you  get.    The
kindness of your child, wants to do away your reaction
or your requirement.  If I am so kind to you, you can not
refuse me anything.

A child tends to use a more extreme way when as a pa-
rent you do not want something or just want something.
As a parent, you can make clear what you accept or re-
ject of how a child respond or react.  What you want to
pay  attention  to  and  to  what  not,  without  what  you
agree.  "If you calm down, I want to listen, without auto-
matically agreeing."    "If you stop cursing, we can take a
look at what makes it so difficult for you."    "I notice that
you're having a hard time, maybe it can help if we try to
figure out which feelings are going on in you."

221

Afterwards  or  in  advance  if  your  child  is  calm  and  re-
laxed, you can raise a difficulty and make clear what is
possible and what is not possible, what you expect in this
context and what you do not want.

Because your child is more relaxed and not immediately
confronted  with  the  difficulty,  there  will  be  less  resis-
tance and it will be easier to develop willingness and mo-
tivation to accept your proposal.

As a parent, you can not always immediately enforce be-
havioral  change.    Usually  this  happens

step by step

over a certain amount of time.  Small changes are usually
more acceptable for your child.

By setting up your own step-by-step approach and reac-
ting differently, you can progressively take small steps in
the more desired direction.  A power struggle often ac-
companied  by  escalation  on  both  sides  can  thus  be
avoided.

As a parent you can make sure that you are not the only
one who can give attention to your child, but that other
adults and also other children can do this for your child.

If a child has a playmate or has another child to talk to,
giving attention and responding to your child is more di-
vided.

222

At certain times in certain situations they can

give pre-

ference to

others than yourself. This can make you

temporarily relieved.

Some children are busier, they are more sensitive to sti-
muli  from  their  environment  and  respond  faster  and
more, sometimes quite impulsively.

Other children need more stimuli and a need to be ac-
tive.

As a parent you can take this into account, that this be-
longs to

their nature

and has little to do with unwilling-

ness and being not susceptible.

As  a  parent  you  can  pay  attention  that  not  everything
has to go through you.  If others are available or if the
child can already do something independently, you can
make it clear to your child how he can do without you.

In this way you run less risk of being overloaded.  Instead
of focusing his attention on you, the child

will focus his

attention

on the situation and on who else can possibly

help.

As a parent you can pay attention to

circular proces-

ses

: the more you give attention and help, the more the

child may need attention and help. The more your child

223

needs attention and help, the more inclined you will be
to respond to this.

By  dosing  your  attention  a  bit  more,  the  child  can  get
used to less attention.  Because he can be more in him-
self, you can dose the attention you give yourself.

Give your child

an alternative

for his attention seeking

to you.  What could he do instead of your input.

Could he, for example, just try or do it?    Would some-
one else have time to explain or help ?  And who then?
Make sure that this alternative is valuable and feasible.

As  a  parent,  you  can

provide sufficient

time for

pre-

ventive attention

in the context of 'quality time' toge-

ther. Here you can pay attention to each child indivi-
dually, but you can also set yourself up so that you pay
attention to the group of children, so that each one ex-
periences it as if addressed.

Indicate your

own needs

as a parent. Make it clear to

your  child  that  as  you  also  give  some  attention  to  his
needs, you also want room for your needs.  "Our mum
has no time now."    "Dad, takes a break."

224

Also indicate the

needs of others

as just as legitimate

as  your  child's.    "There  must  be  something  for  every-
one."  'Everybody has to have their turn, later on it will
be your turn again.'

Consider

your own experiences

as a child. Did you get

a lot of attention, or just very little.  Do you want to offer
your child the same, or do you want to make it possible
for your child what you missed?    Do you respond from
yourself or from what your child needs?

   What can I              What can I              What can I
   do more ?                  do less?                     do it differently?

225

I walk behind,
I walk ahead.
What can coaching
do for me ?

As  a  young  person,  being  with  peers  is  an  important
thing  for  you. It  is  also  quite  a  challenge  at  the  same
time. As a youngster you can be more at the front of the
peloton of peers and it costs you less effort. As a young
person,  you  may  also  feel  that  you  are  more  in  the
back. This can be very stressful. Especially because more
and  more  support  centers  are  disappearing. Confirma-
tion and valuations are then easily missing. Sympathetic
expressions  or  jealous  glances  of  peers  can  not  be  no-
ticed.  Instead, comes worried looks or impatience from
alarmed adults.

As a young person, much is still a dream to realize.

With discovering how to make this happen, via
which roads and with the help of what and who, you
can help yourself.
YOUTH THEME

226

The risk then is that you tend to flee or crawl away, or
that you get stuck and do not progress or want to stop,
that you do not want to face your future and possibly dis-
tance  yourself,  and  you  do  something  unrealistic  that
has no opportunities. Or that you do not get any more
opportunities, and no one can find anyone who still be-
lieves in you and wants to invest in you.

There is a risk that you will easily merge everything, so
that little movement is possible.  And there is gradually a
negative image forming, on both sides: because they no
longer believe in you, you do not believe in yourself any-
more and no longer in them.

However, it can be a good idea to look at what you are
in, or even in advance, and what you are not in or even
in reverse with. And for which someone will still give cre-
dit for you, or you still want to offer the other credit.

Through  this  more  nuanced  and  focused  approach,  at-
tention and work points can be recognized. Can gaps be
established  for  which  bridges  can  be  sought  and  thus
overcome barriers. Can strong points be found that can
be further developed, or that can be used. At the same
time, you can try to recognize existing opportunities and
learn to use them better and you can identify and avoid
pitfalls and stumbling blocks.

227

Especially  as  a  young  person,  it  is  always  important  to
take  a  next  step  in  your  development. Starting  from
where you are, entering the zone of  proximal develop-
ment, reaching for something on a level one step higher
than  you  are  on. Without  being  pressurized  or  putting
yourself under pressure. Without coming into great ten-
sion by having to or want to skip a step.

To make this optimally possible, longer-term follow-up is
desirable. Young people can be taught to take part in this
follow-up and to draw up and fill in their own life plan,
or young people can be taught to call on others where
necessary. Others who are willing and (perhaps better)
able to see the strengths and weaknesses of a young per-
son,  not  to  judge  them,  but  to  find  ways  to  acquire
skills. And especially in order to develop further what the
young person is good at. To this end, the young person
helps to discern and utilize existing opportunities, and to
help create desirable opportunities for this in the envi-
ronment.

For you as a young person much is still virtual and reali-
zable. It is worth discovering how to make this realistic,
by  means  of  which  roads  and  how  to  take  care  of  this
yourself if possible and to follow this up.

If you are unable to do this yourself as a young person,
the use of a supervisor or coach who can offer a follow-
up in the longer term can contribute to this in a favorable

228

way. This coach can be found as a young person in your
environment. One  or  both  parents  may  be  able  to  in-
clude  this. But  also  others,  professionals  may  be  invol-
ved  here  as  a  learning  path  counselor. Without, howe-
ver, posing a threat or exerting pressure, but to see op-
portunities  that  are  there  and  to  make  optimal  use  of
them, so that you can better come to your right in your
environment and come more to yourself.

As a young person, you are very willing to train a lot and
practice for your future later. You want thoroughly pre-
pare yourself to succeed in reality and then to be suffi-
ciently  armed  and  to  have  gained  sufficient  expe-
rience. Question  may  not  be  so  much  how  you  as  a
young  person  motivate  you  to  do  this,  but  to  examine
how you as a young person may have lost this motiva-
tion.

By  taking  the  step  yourself  and  indicating  how  a  confi-
dential counselor can help you, a patronizing and forced
intervention  can  be  avoided. As  a  young  person  you
want to be able to choose and take steps, or at least ex-
plore and learn. This does not alter the fact that an adult
could  be  helpful  and  would  support  you,  so  that  your
self-initiative  and  autonomy  are  sufficiently  res-
pected. An  adult  where  you  can  feel  safe  and  you  feel
that it really is all about you. It helps you to see yourself
and your surroundings better and to speak to and to pick
sides in you and to help you take consecutive steps.

231

explained  theoretically. The  parenting  situation  for  the
practical examples is always the same elaborate eating
situation, both for you and your partner as parent, and
for your child.

In this way you learn about what cognitions are as a men-
tal  unit  and  how  you  can  use  them  when  raising  your
child. In this way you also gain insight into the place of
cognition  in  the  behavioral  cycle  or course  as  a unit  of
parent-child interaction.

1. Practice
YOU AS A PARENT
This is happening
Iris  constantly  walks  away  from  the  table  during  the
meal.
We do not respond directly to what occurs.
For us, these are the original behavioral conditions.
What is and happens are behavioral conditions.

This is what you do (as perception behavior)
You try to find out what is going on by watching and lis-
tening.
We first try to know how we interpret what is occurring.
We respond to behavioral conditions with input or input
behavior.
What you do is your behavior.

232

This is what you make of it
Iris is as busy as ever for you. She is a busy child.
We want to know with what recognizable what occurs.
Our recording behavior activates appropriate cognitions
for imaging.
What you make of it are behavioral processes.

This is what you do (as reaction behavior)
You ask Iris to be more calm and to stay at the table.
We do not respond to what happens, but to the cogni-
tion of it with accompanying feelings and beliefs.
Our cognitions direct the executive or output behavior
for reaction formation.

This is happening
Iris wobbles back and forth on her chair in her attempt
to remain seated.
Our response causes changed behavioral conditions.

YOUR PARTNER AS A PARENT
This is happening
Iris constantly walks away from the table during the
meal.

This is what your partner does (as perception behavior)
Your partner wonders if she will start again.

This is what your partner makes of it

233

Iris  can  not  listen  to  your  partner  as  usual. She  is
headstrong.

This is what your partner does (as reaction behavior)
Your  partner  says  she  should  not  have  a  dessert  if  she
can not listen.

This is happening
Iris  is  crying  on  her chair. She did her best  and did not
understand the consequences.

BEHAVIOR PROCESSES

BEHAVIORAL CONDITIONS

BEHAVIOR

schemas

reality

perception
behavior

doing

reaction
behavior

BEHAVIORAL CYCLE

this is what you make of it

this is what you do

this is happening

234

2. Theory
In our example, we notice Iris wobbling quietly and Iris
wailing aloud after she left the table earlier: THE BEHA-
VIOR CONDITIONS

The  difference  between  wobbling  and  weeping  is  for-
med by seeing Iris as busy or seeing Iris as headstrong. As
a parent or educator you can usually not directly change
the  child  and  his  behavior. You  can  change  the  image
you form of the child and his behavior: THE BEHAVIOR
PROCESSES

By activating another cognition about the child and what
it does, you can activate another reaction yourself. This
reaction (encouraging or punishing) is controlled by your
cognition (busy or self-centered). This reaction gives the
child the opportunity to respond differently: THE BEHA-
VIOR

A cognition is what you know, as you know it.  In other
words, it is very personal.
Cognitions are stored in the form of cognitive schemes,
as ready-to-use knowledge and doing packages.
Cognitive  schemes  contain  not  only  an  informative
knowledge. They also contain a feeling and a view. They
also indicate direction and interaction.
The creation of an appropriate cognitive schema is based
on  triggers  that  are  present  in  the  behavioral  condi-

235

tions. These  observed  data  from  the  behavioral  condi-
tions ensure that the most appropriate cognitive schema
in you is activated.
For you this was the being busy of the child, based on the
many distractions.
For your partner it was not listening, based on his pre-
vious comments.
Being  busy  involves  very  different  feelings,  a  different
opinion and a different reaction than non-listening.
You  can  also  create  a  cognitive  schema  yourself  based
on what you know or found out.
For example, it may be useful to know that the child is,
for example, of nature busy. It does not mean not to lis-
ten, but easily gives too little attention.

3. Practice
YOUR CHILD
This is happening
You ask to be calm and to stay at the table in a quiet way.
A child does not respond directly to what you say or do.
For  the  child,  these  are  the  original  behavioral  condi-
tions.

This is what your child does (as perception behavior)
The child tries to find out what is expected.
A  child  first  tries  to  find  out  the  meaning  and  the  pur-
pose.
The  child  responds  to  further  information  about  beha-
vioral circumstances.

236

This is what your child makes of it
If something is said quietly, it allows attention and arou-
ses this willingness.
Something is awakened in the child.
This information matches the child with an existing co-
gnition.

This is what your child does (as reaction behavior)
The child tries to remain seated and to slow down.
On the basis of what is awakened in the child, is respon-
ded.
The activated cognition conducts its response.

This is happening
As a parent, you show satisfaction.
The child does not react to what is said, but to what this
awakens in the child.
His reaction works out for you and forms the changed
behavioral condition.

YOUR CHILD AND YOUR PARTNER

This is happening
You ask yourself in a busy way, incredibly, whether
change is possible.

This is what your child does (as perception behavior)
The child wonders what you mean by this and why you
say something like that.

237

This is what your child makes of it
The child's insecurity is awakened as well as his feeling
of inability.

This is what your child does (as reaction behavior)
From  his  excited  inability  the  child  gives  up  and  bursts
into tears.

This is happening
As  a  parent  you show  disappointment  with  this repeti-
tion of unwillingness.

4. Theory
What you say or do as a parent or educator (your ques-
tion or judgment) can make the behavioral condition for
the child, sometimes more than the situation for which
it is placed (stay in place): THE BEHAVIOR CONDITIONS

Experiencing yourself as being addressed or failing is the
cognition  to  which  the  child  responds,  rather  of  what
you say or do directly.The child generates this cognition
based on what you say or do: THE BEHAVIOR PROCESSES

By allowing the child to activate another cognition, it can
react  differently,  also  emotionally. This  reaction  (exer-
ting or giving up) is driven by its cognition (prepared or
powerless). This reaction gives you as a parent or educa-
tor the opportunity to react differently: THE BEHAVIOR

239

A COGNITION

= SMALLEST KNOWLEDGE UNIT

                            = SOMETHING I KNOW -> information
                               LIKE I KNOW IT (ON MY MANNER)
                                                         -> feelings + thoughts

for example : cognition CHILD (vulnerable, cute, dependent)

COGNITIVE SCHEMA

= KNOWLEDGE PACKAGE

= COLLECTION OF ASSOCIATED COGNITIONS
(OR UNITS OF KNOWLEDGE)

for example : knowledge package CHILD
                        a child is young
                                     is in development
                                     is not independent
                                     is playful
                                     is distractible
                                     is influencable
                                   is part of a communion
                                     is part of the future

SCHEMAS

= KNOWLEDGE STRUCTURE

                       OR KNOWLEDGE NETWORK
                    = MAKES IT POSSIBLE TO ORGANIZE
                       AND INTERPRET INFORMATION

Helps to cope in a fast way with lots of information from
the environment.
They are and function as shortcuts.

They make use of part-whole relations : parts refers to the
whole, and vice-versa a whole refers to its parts

for example : young and playful refers to CHILD
CHILD refers to young and playful

241

He described it here for perception as both perceptual
and reactive behavior (see inner zone graphic represen-
tation). The model depicts how cognition influences per-
ceptual exploration, but is in turn modified by real-world
experience, creating a cycle of cognition, attention, per-
ception,  and  the  real  world  in  which  each  influences
each other.

However, as can be seen graphically, the model can be
extended and applied to any behavior in which percep-
tion  and  response  are  integrated  (see  out-of-zone
graphical representation).

The model was recently amended by Plant and Stanton
for use in an artificial intelligence context.

Neisser,  U.  (1976). Cognition and  reality:  Principles  and
implications of cognitive psychology. San Francisco: W.H.
Freeman.

242

Cognitive schemas

and parenting

1.  Development of cognitive schemas that are very
      meaningful
Parents do not think about how their child develops cog-
nitive schemas based on their existing aptitude, their up-
bringing and their own experience, which are very mea-
ningful for how it perceives something and for how it re-
acts to something and deals with something.  Parents do
not think about how much their child has to fill cognitive
schemas  to  know  and  understand  what  things  in  their
environment  look  like  and  how  they  can react  emotio-
nally  and  judiciously  and  can  deal  with  them  behavi-
orally. Parents  do  not  think  about  how  children  use

The development of the child is accompanied by the
development of cognitive schemas.

In the upbringing, the child can be helped with the
construction and filling of cognitive schemas.

243

these  cognitive  schemas  constantly  to  know  and  esti-
mate things and to determine how to react emotionally
and judgmentally themselves and to interact with them
in a behavioral way.  Parents do not realize how impor-
tant it is for their child to be able to read each other or a
situation. To learn which knowledge schemes to activate
with whom or in which situation. Like with whom can I
feel safe, when is a situation unsafe. Can I read if some-
one or a situation comes across as safe or unsafe? What
am I supposed to understand about what someone says
or does? What meaning should I give to a situation. But
also being able to read  what has been activated in the
other  person  or  has  been  activated  in  a  situation.    Pa-
rents do not think about how their child can be disabled
so  certain  cognitive  schemas  are  lacking  or  little  deve-
loped,  or  distorted,  inappropriate  or  unusable,  or  very
dominant or rigidly present.

Recent research at Northwestern University shows that
a three-month-old child can already distinguish what is
equal  from  what  is  different.  Something crucial for  the
development of cognitive schemas. If first paired things
shown are the same, it will continue to look longer when
it is suddenly shown something unequal. Or vice versa, if
the  succession  of  unequal  being  followed  by  what  is
equal,  it  will  continue  to  look  on  for  longer.  In  other
words, even before the development of the understan-
ding of language, the relationship can be recognized as

244

equal and unequal and thus the child can make a distinc-
tion between what belongs or goes together and what
does not.

Parents can indirectly understand the meaning of these
cognitive schemas for their child when they notice how
very curious and active their child can be to get to know
everything,  not  only  in  what  it  is,  but  also  in  what  it
means to the child and how it can be handled. Parents
can indirectly see the meaning of these schemas when
they  determine  how  unrealistic  their  child  may  be  and
against any reality or healthy judgment in do things that
in this situation here and now and at this age are not at
all suitable or useful for their child.

Parents often do not notice how much they are doing to
fill  the  content  of  their  child's  cognitive  schemas. How
they do that by being a model in what is right for them,
in what something means to them emotionally and ra-
tionally and in what their association means. How they
do that in their reaction to what is right for their child, in
what something means to their child emotionally and ra-
tionally and in what it means for their child. How they do
this in informing and instructing their child about what
something could or should be for him, what something
could or should mean for him and what the child's way
of being could or should be.

245

According to research from Northwestern University, for
babies who learn their first words, the way in which so-
mething is mentioned determines the method of coding,
representation and memory. The designation can repre-
sent a category, for example a dog, or it can indicate so-
mething unique, such as this is Max. If the same name is
consistently  used  for  a  series  of  observation  objects,
then  mainly  common  characteristics,  for  example,  pet
and bark, are stored, rather than what distinguishes the
observation  objects.  When  a  unique  name  is  used,  the
unique characteristics are stored, for example, scar and
collar with dog's name. Naming a series of different indi-
vidual objects with the same noun invites babies to form
object categories based on what is in common, without
regard to differences. It invites the child to focus on what
is similar and less on what is unique about an object of
observation.

When the same name is consistently applied to a range
of objects, babies mainly encode their common charac-
teristics.  In  contrast,  when  a  unique  name  is  given  to
each observation object, babies encode the unique cha-
racteristics of each object. The method of encoding ob-
jects of observation in memory and retrieving them later
is  fundamental  to  human  cognition  and  arises  in  child-
hood.

The  manner  of  naming  objects,  even  if  only  once,  can
have a lasting impact on how babies encode an object,

246

remember it, and reproduce it from memory. Thus, na-
ming a series of different individual observation objects
with the same noun invites babies to form an object ca-
tegory.

2. The what of cognitive schemas
What are cognitive schemas then?   They form the way
in  which  the  environmental  reality  is  stored  in  our
minds. Both  reality  as  we  know  them,  as  reality  as  we
sense  and  estimate  them,  as  our  dealings  with  the
known, sensed and perceived reality. These knowledge
components are stored in knowledge packages that we
have about the most diverse realities.  These knowledge
packages form the cognitive or inner schemas.

The learning of categories as knowledge packages, such
as colors, shapes and objects, happens initially pre-ver-
bal with the infant without words. This pre-verbal visual
category knowledge is then used to discover word mea-
nings, such as names for colors, shapes and objects. This
was recently found by researchers at Birkbeck University
of London and Central European University. Differences
between young children in the development of visual ca-
tegory  learning  help  to  understand  the  difference  in
speed of language acquisition. For example, difficult ca-
tegory learning in children with autism can help explain
the slower vocabulary development.

247

The cognitive schemes are constantly supplemented and
modified on the basis of information obtained and of ac-
quired  experience.These  cognitive  schemes  are  con-
stantly  used  to  know,  to  feel,  to  estimate  and  to  deal
with just about everything that we have to deal with.You
could say that about half of our behavior is at the service
of cognitive schema building and the other half for cog-
nitive schema use.Cognitive schemes form the best pos-
sible representation of the realities for us based on what
we record. From the multitude of realities we try to de-
duce a somewhat stable concept of understanding that
this  variety  clearly  carries  within  itself,  without  being
confused by it. To this end, cognitive schemes will make
use  of  either  the  named  realities  themselves  in  simpli-
city,  but  also  their  symbolized  representations  by indi-
rectness, to regularities and rules at great complexity.

An example, a child wants to know exactly who his pa-
rents are. Thus it will try to deduce from the multitude of
behaviors  of  the  parents  how  they  are. In  the cognitive
scheme of your child, you will thus find whether you are
sweet  or  impatient,  or  there  is  regularity  in  it,  usually
sweet,  exceptionally  impatient. The child  may also stop
rules in his schema : what is my mommy or daddy, what
is my mum or daddy not, how is mommy or daddy, how
is mommy or daddy not ? If you are like that, you are the
sweet mum or dad, if you are different, you are the im-
patient mommy or daddy for your child.

248

Cognitive  schemas  also  provide  the  best  possible  res-
ponse and interaction with the proposed realities based
on  information  and  experience. From  the  multitude  of
possible  reactions  we  try  to  derive  a  somewhat  stable
behavioral fulfillment that implies the best possible reac-
tion intuitively and judiciously for ourselves and involves
the best possible interaction with the environment.

An example, a child will react emotionally and judgmen-
tally in a completely different way to the sweet mother
or dad and will deal with it very differently than with the
impatient  mom  or  dad. The  child  is  happy  and  relaxed
when it meets his preference. It is inclined to cooperate
and respond to what the parents expect. A child who is
confronted  with  the  activated  cognitive  schema  of  the
impatient mum or dad will be rather angry and tensed at
his aversion. It will be more inclined to counteract and, in
this way, not want to show off the parental expectations,
unless the parents switch to their dear way of being and
allow him to activate an appropriate cognitive schema.

Cognitive  schemas  form  so  implicit  syntheses  that  are
continuously  used  to  know  and  deal  with  encountered
realities : the conceptualization or concept filling as the
best possible representation, the behavioral filling as the
best  possible  emotional  and  judgmental  reaction  for
oneself  and  the  best  possible  interactive  interac-
tion. Realities  are  constantly  compared  with  already

249

developed cognitive schemas and thus known and reco-
gnized. At the same time these schemes are constantly
being  supplemented  or  adjusted. From  the  cognitive
schemas  reality  is  then  approached,  so  that  someone
can react emotionally and rationally and can deal with it.
These reactions are also supplemented and adjusted on
the basis of experiences.

For example, a child will easily recognize familiar adults
on  the  basis  of  the  comparison  and  found  agreement
with his already developed facial schemas. The activated
schemes can be supplemented and adjusted so that small
changes  can  occur. My  mother,  that  is  brown  hair,  but
also red hair. My dad, that is without, but also with pier-
cing. For example, a child will respond differently in the
presence  of  unfamiliar  adults  and  come  to  other  inter-
actions. The child may be scared and inconvenienced, it
keeps distance. After all, the new adults do not fit into an
already  developed  cognitive  facial  schema,  but  fit  into
the cognitive scheme stranger that is activated with res-
tlessness and distance as a result.

3. Building cognitive schemas
Children  and  also  we  needs  cognitive  schemas  very
much  to  deal  with  the  surrounding  realities  with  more
precision and more ease. To this end, it is necessary for
the  child  to  build  up  and  fill  in  his  cognitive  schemes,
both  in  terms  of  what,  the  concept  filling,  the  way  in

250

which, the behavior filling and the where and when, the
context filling.

For example, babies discover very early that mouth and
food goes together and hard objects, such as glasses or
smartphone goes with the senses, such as eyes and ears.
Thus a movement or action forms the basis for the beha-
vioral concept and the evolving schema behavioral filling.
This was ascertained because the child continues to look
longer  when,  unexpected,  food  was  not  brought  to  the
mouth  and  glasses  were  brought  to  the  ear  or  the
smartphone to the eyes.

Completion of the concept arises on the basis of noticed
patterns. Behavioral infill is created on the basis of disco-
vered rules. Context completion finally goes back to es-
tablished regularities. These progressively observed pat-
terns,  rules  and  regularities  together  form  developing
schemes.

For  example,  from  the  adult  visual  cortex  is  known  to
contain two regions that work together to process per-
ceived faces and two more regions that work together to
process places. Research at Emory University now found
that already in infants, the two areas of the visual cortex
associated with facial processing, and the two networks
associated  with  sites,  fired  synchronously.  These  infant
patterns were similar to those in adults, although not as
strongly. The visual and site networks of the brain were

251

connected within a few days of birth and talked to each
other. This finding suggests that there is room for these
networks from an early age to tune in better and better.
Babies'  brains  seem  wired  for  specialized  tasks  such  as
seeing faces and seeing places so that specific patterns
of brain activity are possible. The baby brain then essen-
tially  waits  for the  relevant  information for  its  progres-
sive processing. This may explain why a baby's gaze is fo-
cused on faces right from birth.

Another  example,  recent  research  by  the  University  of
Washington  shows  that  toddlers  from  17  months  are
able  to  recognize  social  dominance  (what). They  know
where  to  see  who  in  a  group  is  dominant  (where  and
when)  and  know  how  to  commit  to  receiving  more  re-
wards (how).

In  the  development  of  a  knowledge  scheme  as

knowledge structure

, it can be established that first

mainly declarative knowledge is developed (the concept
interpretation: what something is and what to do), then
especially the procedural knowledge (the interpretation
of  behaviour:  how  something  is  and  how  to  do  some-
thing)  and  finally  especially  conditional  or  conditional
knowledge (the context interpretation: where and when
something  is  and  where  and  when  something  is  to  be
done). When a child, for example, becomes acquainted
with  a  game,  he  successively  discovers  what  is  there,
how  something  happens  and  where  and  when.  At  the

252

same time, it successively discovers what it should do,
how in what way, where and when as the best choice or
option. You could say that each time the form and con-
tent of the knowledge already present is converted into
a different form and content. The what is then converted
into the how and then into the where and when.

The child spontaneously puts a lot of effort into building
cognitive schemas: his outspoken curiosity, being conti-
nuously involved in a playful exploration, asking questi-
ons and asking why. These are ways of realizing this con-
ceptual and behavioral filling of cognitive schemas that
is necessary for the child.

Recent research from Ohio University shows that child-
ren four to five years old would rather explore than re-
ceive rewards. They explore a major driving force during
early childhood, of more importance than immediate re-
wards. They seem motivated in the first place by the in-
formation obtained from research. It helps them make
the world work.

It's not just running around aimlessly, opening drawers
and cupboards, and picking up random objects, as adults
easily think. Their exploration and investigation are not
random at all, but are done systematically to make sure
not to miss anything. The seemingly unpredictable beha-
vior of children at this age strongly resembles an urge to
store information.

253

Children apparently go through a stage where systema-
tic exploration is one of their primary goals rather than
being motivated by rewards.

The child also is using his developing sense of probability
in building cognitive schemas. The presence of a sense
of probability is necessary for the development of cogni-
tive  schemes.  Recent  research  at  the  Max  Planck  Insti-
tute shows that six month old babies are already able to
make generalizations based on limited information. The
brain does this by using probable information to direct
its own actions based on established regularities in the
environment.  The  brain  records  which  situations  and
events are more likely to occur than others and are the-
refore more likely. This may concern their coherence or
their succession. This is to estimate their occurrence to-
gether or sequentially.

Infants who, early in their development, even from the
age of 6 months, have the ability to process new infor-
mation  and  make  associations  with  other  information
and expand their knowledge this way, achieve a higher
degree of development, according to recent research at
the Case Western Reserve University.

The  young  child  has  a  built-in  learning  strategy. Babies
don't randomly explore the world around them, but stra-

254

tegically. They select and focus on information that ena-
ble them to learn faster and more efficiently, and they
prefer to focus on that. Instead, what they see as what
doesn't help them learn, they ignore. They therefore fo-
cus on what learns them the most. Babies are thus pro-
bably the best learners imaginable. This all was recently
shown in a study by the Donders Institute for Brain, Cog-
nition and Behavior, by means of eye tracking.

Cognitive  schemas  can  refer  to  situations,  but  also  to
events. In the first case it is what is, in the second case it
is a course. The cognitive schema then refers to the co-
herence between what is: it indicates a causal relations-
hip, the second as a result of the first, or it indicates an
instrumental connection, the first that results in the se-
cond.

Also  for  this  dynamic  coherence  included  in  cognitive
schemas, the child makes a lot of effort to get to know
them better. It questions how something has arisen. For
example, what made my mum impatient. It also goes for
itself  how  it  can  create  something  itself. For  example,
how do I make my mum sweet. These cognitive schemes
will  also  regularly  be  used  by  the  child  to  influence  his
environment or bring about change.

Cognitive schemas can also refer to people.  Himself or
herself, meaningful persons from the world and the re-
lationship  between  themselves  and  others. Who  they

255

are and how to respond and deal with. How both relate
to each other and what causal or instrumental connec-
tion there is.

For  example, newborns have  a preference  for orienting
themselves toward faces in their natural visual environ-
ment.  This  indicates  that  the  mechanisms  underlying
orienting  and  moving  faces  with  direct  gaze  also  facili-
tate  activation  of  relevant  cortical  regions  in  young  in-
fants,  providing  an  important  foundation  for  the emer-
ging  social  brain.  There  would  be  a  rapid  subcortical
pathway for face detection triggered by a face (or eye)
like phase contrast pattern within a bounded area. In this
way, the baby brain would absorb information about the
social world and process it into social cognition, which it
can then use in its social interaction.

Another example, who am I to myself, I love myself and I
value myself,  how attentive  and caring  I am  about  my-
self. Who is my mother, what feelings does she raise and
how  much  does  she  mean  for  me,  how  do  I  deal  with
her? What is the relationship between the two of us, how
does it feel and how important is it for me, what kind of
interaction does it take.

All  this  information  is  implicitly  stored  in  the  cognitive
schemas of the child and is used as a matter of course
and therefore often less consciously when assessing and
dealing  with  situations,  events  and  people. They  form

256

the best possible wholes as an undertone in what is the
predominant  here  and  now. They  provide  a  solid  basis
for the concrete action of the child.

4. Perception and cognitive schemas
Every  perception  is  carried  by  cognitive  schemas  as  a
comparison  of  what  the  child  hears,  sees  or  feels  with
what has already been acquired by schemes. The result
is that a scheme is applicable or applies in a new situa-
tion, something that is included in the scheme or assimi-
lated  to  the  scheme  so  that  it  remains  confirmed. The
result  can  also  mean  that  something  is  not  included  in
the scheme, but is split off, or that the scheme is chan-
ged so that it is accommodated. In assimilation, the co-
gnitive schema applies more broadly, with accommoda-
tion  the  schema  becomes  more  limited.    For  example,
research  shows  that  children  are  looking  at  something
longer  if  something  does  not  meet  their  expectations.
This information is used by researchers to gain more in-
sight into inner processes, for example in children who
do not yet master the language. In this way they acquire
insights  into  activated  thoughts  and  feelings  of  these
children.

To  illustrate,  recent  neuroscience  research  at  Dresden
University  of  Technology  suggests  that  someone  hears
what he or she expects to hear. Previous research has al-
ready shown that the cerebral cortex continuously makes
predictions  about  what  will  happen,  and  that  neurons

257

responsible for sensory processing code differences bet-
ween predictions made and actual reality. It now appears
that not only the cerebral cortex, but also the entire au-
ditory path represents sounds according to previous ex-
pectations. This fits with the more general theory of sen-
sory processing that describes perception as a process of
hypothesis  testing.  Predictive  coding  assumes  that  the
brain is constantly activating predictions about what the
surrounding  world  will  look  like,  sound,  feel,  and  smell,
and  that  neurons  only  process  the  differences  between
these predictions and the actual physical world. The pre-
viously established subjective beliefs about the surroun-
ding reality thus appear to play a decisive role in how the
perceived reality is processed and understood.

Every  feeling-  and  judgment-response  is  carried  by  co-
gnitive  schemas. The  activated  schema  evokes  asso-
ciated feelings and stored judgments.

Every  interactive  dealing  is  supported  by  cognitive
schemes. The activated scheme calls  up associated be-
havior.

An example, a child will deal with a stuffed animal very
differently than with a living animal.  A child may start his
dealings with a living animal from his association with his
cuddly toy.  However, it will quickly experience that both
can  be  best  distinguished  and  that  both  raise  different

258

feelings and preferences and necessitate a different ap-
proach, for example itself more active towards reactive
in the living animal.

Not only their own interactive dealing but also those of
others in the environment is supported by their own co-
gnitive schemes in development. Cognitive schemes al-
low predicting the behavior of others. This is necessary
for smooth social interaction. For example, according to
Bekkering of Radboud University Nijmegen, we are able
to estimate what the other person is doing, how he will
do this and in what context, such as with what intention.
For example, if your child is walking around with his plush
pet, then it will play with it when it is fit. However, if it is
tired,  it  will  reach  its  favorite  animal  to  nurture  it  and
press it against itself.

In the brain, there would be a memory area in the tem-
poral  cortex  at  the  brain  side  that  would  help  to  form
these expectation models.

The child himself gradually finds out how other children
deal with their pet animal, also from their own experien-
ces with pet animals. Playing in the wake-up time, che-
rish around the sleep time. The more they exhibit this be-
havior  themselves,  the  better  they  can  assess  it  with
other children.

Research shows that the brain sends stored predictions

259

to the brain area that is responsible for observation. For
seeing the visual area in the back of the brain. Signals of
low-frequency brain waves stand for this. If the observa-
tion does not match the predictions, signals from high-
frequency waves are sent to the memory area with pre-
viously built-up predictions.  Possibly the prediction can
still be saved, because it is not applicable and can so be
saved.    It  was  not  the  stuffed  animal,  for  example.
However, the forecast may have to be adjusted.  In the
example, not only when the child is tired, the hug is che-
rished, also if the child feels unsafe, playing with the hug
stops and the hug is pressed against him.  In predicting
and estimating this, the child should first pay attention
to the context, then to the course and finally to what it
represents.  That's how it goes from general and vague
to concrete and specific.

According to some scientists, we perceive from the out-
side in and from the global to the detail. For example, we
would  first  perceive  and  label  larger  wholes  such  as
areas of color, then perceive shapes through edges and
then  focus  within  them  on  from  larger  to  smaller  local
details, which would lead to a precise identification. For
example,  such  as  discovering  body  and  facial  profiles
first, it is a man or woman, a child or an adult, then per-
ceiving that it is someone with blond or gray hair, white,
brown or black skin and finally based on perceiving smal-
ler details that it is, for example, your child, your neigh-

260

bor or your grandmother. This would also be neurologi-
cally  substantiated.  For  example,  rods  are  mainly  res-
ponsible  for  peripheral  vision  and  cones  for  central  vi-
sion. The principle outlined here is gratefully used in ar-
tificial intelligence.

5. Cognitive schemas and parents
Even though parents are not consciously busy with the
filling of cognitive schemas of their child, parents have a
big influence on these schemas. Significant for this cog-
nitive development of the child are the cognitive sche-
mas that parents themselves possess and use in their ex-
pression  and  dealings. Children  are  very  influenceable
for what is for their parents, what they know in their own
way. Also  for  how  they  react  for  themselves  and  their
environment to what is right for them, for what feelings,
judgment  and  association  they  connect  to  some-
thing. This way we can talk about social cognitive sche-
mas that apply to the whole family or the whole environ-
ment and that also assimilates.

262

If the interaction between the parent and child is unfa-
vourable, and if there is long-term stress due to financial,
relationship,  parenting,  addiction,  violence,  (too much)
focus or diversity problems, the child can develop deve-
lopmentally  unfavorable  minus  schemes  in  addition  to
developmentally favorable plus schemes, resulting in in-
security.

Parents sometimes take this more consciously and then
make an effort to teach the child values and norms. To
contribute what is valuable and to contribute what and
how something is possible, and what and how something
can  not. Even  though  parents  do  not  do  this  explicitly,
their implicit use of their cognitive schemas will implicitly
affect children, especially at a younger age, when child-
ren  easily  assimilate  what  is  implicit  in  their  environ-
ment. What is expressed as an undertone in the expres-
sion and actions of the parents.

New European research shows that the tendency to form
a  first  impression  about  someone  based  on  the  ap-
pearance of a person's face arises early in development.
Parents, among  other  things,  reinforce  their  child's  for-
mation  of  impressions  in  interaction  with  them.  About
thirteen percent of the parent-child conversations in the
study had to do with perceived characteristics of people.
Parents actively reinforced their children's facial attribu-

263

tes.  Moreover,  they  often  agreed  on  their  mutually  ex-
pressed opinions. Parents thus encouraged the mapping
of facial features to infer who someone is on the basis of
perceived  physical  appearance.  Specifically,  babies  as
young as seven months old prefer already to look at faces
whose  features  resemble  a  subtle  smile  rather  than  a
subtle frown.

Parents  who  consciously  take  care  of  the  concept  and
behavior formation of their child can see that as the child
grows older this is not always as easy and runs not always
as smoothly as before. This is because their child usually
already  has  a  certain  developed  cognitive  schema  with
personal concepts and own behavioral filling.  What pa-
rents offer is included, as confirmation, as a supplement
or as a change to which the child does not always want
to  pass. It  disturbs  the  inner  cognitive  stability  and
housekeeping. It may end up in the cognitive schema not
as own, but as what and how parents know something.

In  recent research, children  who  accepted  the  habit  of
imitating their parents naturally seem to be more open
to influences later on. A mindset or scheme is thus deve-
loped to supplement (assimilation) and change (accom-
modation)  their  schemes  under  development. This  can
be of significance so later on openness is important.

264

John Dewey, an important educator of the last century,
already  described  the  educational  process  as  a  conti-
nuous reconstruction of experience. For him it meant a
continuous  learning  process  without  end,  not  even  in
adulthood. For example, he preferred the term growth
to that of development. Each new experience builds on
previous experiences and helps determine the quality of
future experiences. The upbringing process must be un-
derstood  from  the  point  of  view  of  the  child's  activity.
The more intensive the interaction, the more interrela-
tions  are  made.  So  the  more  meaning  is  given  to
something, individually but also collectively.

6. Operation guiding and control
Research  shows  that  children  around  the  age  of  about
three years evolve from being incapable of action con-
trol and are dependent on the outside world to the use
of strategies that allow a certain action guiding and con-
trol without leaving it to the outside world. The develop-
ment of this guidance and control appears to be in paral-
lel with biological, cognitive and social development pro-
cesses.  They then gradually become aware of whether
something corresponds to what they apparently use as a
scheme or standard. If this is not the case, then this may
seem strange to even frightening, or crazy or even laug-
hable.  Likewise,  they  gradually  become  aware  of
whether something is going on, such as what or how, for
what they apparently use a stored scheme or rule. If this
is  not  the  case,  then  this  can  be  perceived  to  them  as

265

non-okay, which makes them refuse, or just as okay and
as  their  priority. The  development  of  this  course  of
action and control is progressing step by step, with more
and  more  schemes  being  used  as behavioral  orienting
and with increasing use of multiple schemes as behavi-
oral forms

Before a child is able to act internally based on cognitive
schemas,  a  whole  period  of  externally information-dri-
ven action from the parents and environment precedes
it. This external information that the child must help with
his behavioral control consists partly of product informa-
tion and partly of process information.Product informa-
tion  relates  to  a  certain  (social)  situation  or  event  and
forms a  whole set of data and characteristics that is in-
dicated as an image.Process information includes an in a
certain (social) situation or event associated dealing and
(inter)action  progress  that  is  indicated  as  a  model,  the
how. By  means  of  product  information  that  is  more
spontaneously derivable or more expressly provided by
the environment, the what, and process information, the
how,  the  child  is  able  to  orient  and  direct  his  beha-
vior. Initially  with  the  necessary  practical  help  and  ad-
justment. On the basis of this information made availa-
ble and supplemented with own experience, the neces-
sary cognitive schemas gradually develop.

For the development of the child, this external informa-